Trigger warnings: References to self-harm and anxiety
She was twiddling the pen in her fingers, playing with it to distract her mind from the thoughts of possible failure, she glanced to her bed where her bags were packed, to the wardrobe where it was empty, to the desk where there were no more of her belongings. Dr Williams entered the room with her discharge papers and an appointment card for a counselling session in a couple of days to give her a chance to settled in. All she had to do was wait for Michelle.
Peter made the decision to move back in with his dad, he wanted to give Carla space in an environment where she felt safe, he knew she would be in safe hands with Michelle there now, all he could do was sit and watch because that is literally what it is, he had to sit and watch because he couldn't go near her because she didn't want him there, only to do with Aziza, that was the only way he could see her.
Michelle eventually came and Carla said her goodbyes to the nurses and Dr Williams who she would see any way for counselling in a couple of days. Carla got in the back of the car with her bag and Azalea was sitting in the car seat causing Carla to coo over her daughter for the journey home, as soon as she stepped out the car and glanced to the house which she once shared with Peter, she linked her arm with Michelle and sighed.
"Are you ok?" Michelle questions, Carla turns to face her and smiles offering a brief nod "Are you ready to go in, we can go somewhere else if you want?"
"No" she shakes her head "I will have to face it sometime" she nods, Michelle kisses her on the forehead and lifts Azalea's car seat out of the car and passed it to Carla who walks into the house and closes her eyes and breathes in deeply
"Still the same you see" Michelle smiles taking Azalea's car seat out of her grip and placing it on the table, Carla walks over to the shelf and picks up a photo of her and Peter "You need changing don't you sweetheart?"
"I can do it" Carla smiles placing the photo back down on the shelf, she goes to take Azalea off Michelle and walks upstairs into the nursery, Michelle follows and watches as Carla changes her daughter "I have not missed this eh? Where's Aziza then?"
"She's out with Peter, he wanted to give you some space" Michelle responds, Carla nods slowly "How are you and Peter, I know he went to see you"
"He did, yes" she confirms dressing Azalea back in her clothes, "I told him we're over"
"Is that what you want?"
"I don't know what I want, all I want right now is to reconnect with my daughters and be a mother to them, that comes first"
"Ok, sorry"
"No, I'm sorry" Carla replies apologetically chucking the soiled nappy in the bin "It's just difficult adjusting, even more so now because this stay was worse than the last, I'll be fine, I have to be"
"I was thinking why don't we go out for a walk with this little munchkin? Get some nice fresh air, she could do with a walk as well"
"Yeah ok" Carla nods slowly causing Michelle to smile somewhat glad Carla was making an effort, they both go downstairs "Could I put her in the sling?"
"Yeah if you want" Michelle smiles grabbing it from the side and helping Carla put it on and get Azalea settled in it "We can go and get Zi if you want? Go over to the Red Rec?"
"Yeah ok" Carla nods with a small smile "You're beautiful little one aren't you, shall we go and get your sister then?"
"Let's head off" Michelle smiles and links her arm with Carla as they walk out of the house and down the street arm in arm until they reached Kne's Michelle knocks on the door
"Hello Michelle, and Carla how lovely" Ken smiles gesturing for them to come in, Aziza runs down the stairs and hugs Carla who bends down in front of her supporting Azalea's head
"Are you home?" Aziza whispers, Carla nods in agreement causing Aziza to launch herself at her mother and hold her
"I was wondering if you'd like to go out to the park with us" Carla grins, Aziza nods eagerly grabbing her coat and putting it on, Carla kisses her on the head before glancing to the stairs where Peter was at the top of them smiling at the union "Hello"
"Hi" Peter smiles taking in her features, she looked beautiful and healthy "Be good for Mummy Zi"
"I will" she nods glancing to her father who was smiling proudly at her, she slips her hand into her mother's
"Shall we go then?" Michelle questions, Aziza nods eagerly allowing herself to be led out of the house by her mother
They went to the park and Carla watched Aziza climb on the climbing frames whilst she entertained Azalea who was huddled up in the sling close to her body. Michelle suggested that tomorrow they went shopping to buy some bits for them to start feeding Azalea solids as she was more than ready, Carla nodded nervously but Michelle left it open for her to change her mind if she wanted. They eventually called Aziza back and then they went back to Ken's because Aziza left her bag there so they needed to collect it for school tomorrow which she wanted Carla to take her to. Michelle knew it would be a long journey for Carla but she was doing great, she needed to make sure that she spoke though and that was always a challenge because Carla was such a closed book.
"Daddy!" Aziza launches herself at Peter who was trying to peacefully drink his coffee
"Zi, careful" Peter chuckles, she bites her lip glancing to her mother "Your bags upstairs if that's what you're looking for?"
"Yes, ok" Aziza nods running off upstairs, Carla just glances aimlessly around the room bouncing Azalea gently
"Do you want a drink, Carla?" Ken offers, she shakes her head silently before sitting down on the sofa, Azalea slowly falling asleep against her chest, Carla just stares at Peter which he found somewhat daunting
"Are you ok?"
She nods her head.
"You don't seem it, you're quiet" he comments, Carla just shrugs watching as he gets up and sits next to her, she continues to look at him "Speak to me, I might be able to help?"
She just shrugs.
"Dad I don't suppose you could take Zi to go get some pick a mix could you?"
"Of course" Ken smiles heading up the stairs to find Aziza, Peter returns his attention to Carla who was eyeing him suspiciously
"Now will you speak to me?" Peter questions, she lets him take her hand, the feel of his skin burning hers, she lets a tear fall "Hey why are you crying?"
"Because of everything I've done" she replies quietly, Peter nods slowly "I hurt you so much and…and I had a choice, I will never forgive myself"
"You need to forgive yourself to move on Carla" Peter smiles slightly cupping her cheek, she diverts her gaze from him "Do you want me to have Zi again tonight then you can speak to Michelle?"
"No I want her" she confirms, Peter nods slowly watching as she chews her lip, she lets more tears fall "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Yes please" she smiles, Peter nods slowly grabbing his jacket just as Michelle enters the house with Aziza and Ken "Home, Peter's coming"
"Ok" Michelle nods as Carla rushes out the door, Peter sighs slightly giving Michelle a look as to not say anything whilst he chases after Carla who was walking quickly down the road as fast as her legs could carry her
"Carla wait up!" Peter states as he runs after her, he watches as she bumps into none other than Ray Crosby, he sighs
"Hello Carla" Ray smiles glancing down to the baby in the sling, she glances back up at him "I didn't realise you were home"
"Oh get lost Ray" Carla shouts, Peter stands in front of her slightly so she didn't feel threatened
"Not nice to say that to the father of your child" Ray smirks glancing to Peter who rolls his eyes, Carla just crosses the road, "She told you then, about everything?"
"She did yes as well as your silly little plan and how she was involved" he states heading off, he sighs glancing back "You confuse me Ray, a lot"
"I confuse a lot of people, Peter, I confused her a lot as well no wonder she ended up back in the nuthouse" he smirks again causing Peter to punch him "I could have you arrested for assault, what use would you be to her then"
"A lot more use to her than you, your daughter will probably end up in care if you took me out of the equation and if you had an ounce of decency in your body then you would rethink because of your daughter" Peter snipes, before turning to Carla who had tears streaming down her face "Carla, no I didn't mean-"
"Get lost Peter" she states storming down the road he sighs causing Ray to chuckle and walk off, Michelle appears wondering where Carla went
"Oh for god's sakes" she mutters as Peter rolls his eyes and heads off in the direction of home
"Don't follow, let me sort this" Peter states, Michelle sighs and nods glancing to Aziza who just shrugs as well
"Shall we go to Roy's for a milkshake then?" Michelle questions, Aziza nods as they walk off in the direction of Roy's she glances back to where Peter was walking down the road internally wishing that he didn't make this worse…
He rushed after her, she was obviously agitated about seeing Ray and that was ok after all it probably made her feel eternally guilty for everything that she had done. He approached the house and let himself in as he still had the key. He glanced around the living room and saw her sat on the sofa, her legs crossed and Azalea still cradled in the sling, he gingerly sat down beside her and she rested her head on his shoulder and let out a shaky breath until Azalea started to stir and look up at him. He cooed at her gently until he realised Carla was asleep so he took Azalea out of the sling to change her and give her some food allowing Carla to rest on the sofa.
"Woah are you ok?" Peter asks as Carla jumps up from the sofa, he sits next to her, she huddles into him and sighs "You're not very talkative are you?"
"What's there to say" she shrugs standing up and lifting Azalea onto her hip as she bounces her gently, the both of them walking around the room
"The way you feel?"
"I don't feel anything" she hits back, he narrows his eyes knowing it was far from that "I don't need to feel anything, I just need to focus on my kids; why are you even here anyway?"
"I know you, and I know what you're saying is just that anger bubbling at the surface, your defences but I'm here for you"
"You shouldn't" she states shaking her head tilting it back in exasperation "I'll only hurt you, Peter, we hurt each other it was just my turn this time"
"Speak to me?"
"There's nothing to say!" she exclaims, a horrified look on her face, he stands up and stops her in her tracks "Go, Peter, I don't want to speak to you, I'll just hurt you"
"You need to let this guilt go Carla, for your sake, Aziza's, Azalea's and mine, you need to get through this"
"And what if I cant"
"Then you know what's going to happen" he states firmly, she gasps shaking her head and backs herself into the corner of the room, the tears flow down her face as she continues to shake her head repetitively all whilst Azalea looks around the room confused "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
"Just go Peter, please" she begs, he sighs and nods knowing that he was just making things worse
"Don't do anything stupid yeah?" he confirms, she gulps and nods before sitting down on the sofa, he sighs as he leaves the house not really knowing what to do, whether leaving Carla to her own devices was a good thing
"Get it together" she whispers to herself glancing down to Azalea who was looking up at her with a wide smile, she kisses her daughter on the forehead and sighs
10th June 2021
"Get off me!" she screams trying to push the various doctors off her body who was restraining her "I don't need you here, where's Peter?!"
"Carla you know Peter can't be in here with you now, not yet anyway, another half hour maybe"
"Please" she whimpers "Please I need him here, I need to tell him how sorry I am, please"
"I'll see what I can do love"
"It hurts" she cries out throwing her head back as she breathes out exasperatedly, the sweat lining her forehead as she was teleported into reality just as Peter entered the room with one of the nurses
"Hey beautiful" Peter whispers reassuringly, she shakes her head and pecks him on lips briefly before groaning "I know it hurts, I know"
"I want her out" she whimpers, Peter sighs slightly "She needs to get out of me, she's poison, get her out, she's killing me, Peter, pull her out!"
"Baby she's not poisoning you ok? It's just your mind ok?" Peter reassures her, he knew deep down that Carla knew her baby wasn't poisoning her
"Please get her out, please" she cries before screaming in pain, "Get out of my head, please!"
"I know darling, I know" Peter runs his fingers through her hair as a midwife enters the room with a small smile on her face "Can she push yet, it's her mind….she's distressed"
"Can I have a look, Carla?"
"Ok," she whispers apprehensively allowing the midwife to check her, "Please, it hurts, I can't stop it….please, Peter, make it stop"
"I cant sweetheart, it'll be over soon though" he murmurs kissing her on the forehead as her arm which was covered in a series of bandages reaches out to allow her fingers to run through his hair "Hey beautiful girl"
"Hi" she whispers, he could tell this was the real Carla coming through to him now, not the tainted one, not the unstable one "I'm sorry for everything, one day I'll tell you, one day…"
"Sweetheart I don't understand" he shakes his head her eyes glance to the midwife who nods at her, she begins to push "Good girl, come on you can do this"
"Ow!" she screeches before releasing a breath, her chest rising and falling rather quickly, it was obvious she was tired, she glances to the corner of the room "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't hurt me, please you can take her, I don't want her, I'm so sorry"
"Carla baby, you need to push" he murmurs, she nods as she begins to push again, she uses all of her strength to hold it for as long as possible until she finally gives up
"Good job Carla, you're doing so well" the midwife reassures her, Carla glances to Peter who kisses her softly on the lips "One more push then I reckon we'll have a baby"
"No, no I don't want her, you don't understand, you're not listening to me, you cant take her out, she's…no I don't want to hold her, have her, I don't want her, LISTEN TO ME PLEASE"
"Carla calm down" Peter murmurs into her but she pushes him away as another wave of pain overtakes her body causing her to push "Good, keep going sweetheart, it'll all be ok, I promise you"
"Make it stop!" she screams before her body jolts, a loud wail echoing throughout the room, the baby gently placed on Carla's stomach making her gulp and stare at the limbs flailing around; Dr Williams enters the room
"There we go, look Car there's our baby sweetheart, we created her baby" Peter beams with pride, Carla turns to face him, the guilt rising until she glances back down to the baby which the midwife was checking over
"Do you want to cut the cord, Peter?"
"Yes...yes ok" he nods taking the scissors and cutting between the clamps which makes the baby cry and Carla to press her hands to her ears "Do you want to hold her love?"
"Get her away from me" she whimpers glancing to Dr Williams who nods "Please I don't want her, she's tainted like me, evil"
"Love she's not, here hold her" Peter smiles placing the baby on Carla's chest, she shakes her head and pushes the baby away
"Leave Peter, I don't want you here or her, just go, please" she states as the tears fill her eyes, Peter sighs taking the baby into his arms and holding her
"Maybe it's best Peter, we don't want to traumatise her further, she might come round" Dr Williams responds, Peter sighs and nods knowing there wasn't much he could do
"Ok, yeah" Peter gulps trying to keep his emotions in control but seeing Carla refuse their daughter, yes she was will but it hurt, the only problem is that he didn't know that she wasn't his daughter and that he was bringing up someone else's baby...
"Hey what's happened?" Michelle questions as she runs into the house, Aziza frowns at her mother's state "Zi go upstairs please"
"No" she shakes her head defiantly, Carla sighs gesturing for Aziza to sit down, she curls into Carla's side as Carla runs her fingers through her daughter's hair
"I love you, baby girl, so much, never forget that ok?" Carla reassures her daughter who nods with a smile on her face, Carla tilts her head up to meet her eyes "I love you"
"I love you too, I've missed you" Aziza hums, Michelle smiles at the union "I'm going to go upstairs now if that's ok?"
"That's fine" Carla smiles watching her go upstairs she turns to Michelle who was sitting next to her "Me and Peter, things got a bit heated but we're fine, we are, it was just emotional then Ray..."
"I know, why don't you have a break eh?" Michelle suggests, Carla nods slowly "I'll get your meds for you"
"I can do that" Carla smiles, Michelle nods "Then I'll have a nap upstairs, she needs changing by the way"
"Oh great" Michelle scoffs, Carla grins cheekily watching as Michelle heads upstairs, she picks up her medication and examines the pills rolling around her palm, she swallows them down before walking into the downstairs bathroom and shutting the door, she falls to the floor, her back against the door. Tomorrow would be another day.