Chapter Forty-One
Driving Emotions
Nick had once told Judy that he mused best while in the car, being driven, that is, not driving. It wasn't that he couldn't think at all while not driving, it's just that his head always seemed somehow clearer with the background noise and slight jostling which driving entailed.
For this reason, it was mostly the rabbit's job to do so. She liked driving and understood that with the right setting Nick could think more deeply and more single-mindedly about a subject then she ever could. And right now, by the look on the fox's face... Nick was thinking, hard. Judy returned her eyes to the road as the silence between them lingered. The pair had soon settled down into driving quietly after their first few moments of giddy silliness, but since then a kind of heaviness had descended upon them and en-chained them with weight.
Judy turned the wheel as she drove the car down yet another road towards the outskirts of Precinct One — electing to drive through the more widening, but uncontested, roads rather than the more direct, yet packed and slow-moving, traffic in the center of the city. The rabbit bit her lip a little, because she knew what the fox was thinking about: the same thing currently occupying her mind: a certain desire she had let slip, in the heat of the previous conversation, in the corridor at Registry House.
That desire.
Once again, she felt a wave of sudden warmth roll through her which left her lungs short of air and her head brimming-giddy. She sucked in a long breath and wound down the window a little as she tried to keep a grip. It wasn't that she regretted what she had said to her partner — it was the truth after all. It was just, maybe, she could have put it a little more... delicately? The fox cleared his throat and started to draw breath beside her as though about to speak, and the rabbit's heart started thumping just a little louder in her chest at that realization.
Nick twisted his head to her, while she watched out of the corner of her eye without him knowing. She observed as he looked at her, his mouth still open as though to talk, apparently taking in all the features of her expression, before, slowly closing his mouth and drawing his attention back to the road at paw. Judy knew what he was doing; he was planning his next move, and planning it carefully, given that both had been silent for the past five minutes. The rabbit parted her dry lips to try and start something, "Nick—"
An ear rose and his head angled towards her slightly, but then she ran out of words and closed her mouth. Silence descended upon the car once again as the rabbit continued down the road. At length, Nick sighed, crossing his arms and resting back in his seat with a heavy grunt, while his eyes fell closed despondently. He finally cracked the deafness, dryly, "You always have to be so difficult."
"Nick?"
"I've known you more than a year now," he unrolled, turning to her, "and I still can't figure you out."
"What do you mean?"
"That, is what I mean."
"What?"
"How can you not know what I mean? What do you think I mean? How is it you can be so open about something so incredibly life-changing and important... like marriage... as though it was nothing?"
The rabbit glanced to the fox, wondering if she'd given him the wrong impression. "I... I don't think of marriage as nothing, Nick. I was just—"
"What, teasing me? Is that what that was?"
Judy went through some deep mortification. "What is with you?" she asked, squinting. She wasn't sure, but that sounded an awful-like the tone of voice he had taken after her speech about the Nighthowlers case.
"Teasing, it's always teasing: I tease you, you tease me; it's how our relationship's always worked. Well, if it's teasing then it's not serious," he added through gritted teeth, "and if the idea of marriage is just a joke to you, how do I know our entire relationship isn't just some kind of prank?"
"What? You— you're blowing things out of all proportion."
"I'm not," he shot, "or do you mean I'm blowing the importance of this relationship out of proportion?"
"Nick, you know what I'm trying to say. Don't be such a dumb fox."
"Well I'm sorry!" he shouted, "but this is a hell of a big deal to me, Judy!"
The car fell deathly uncomfortable, with Judy's eyes widening as they stared at the road in front of her. Her ears slowly drooped behind her head; Nick groaned dejectedly, edging closer, his paws clasped in front of him as he turned to her and held her gaze, even while she fortituded staring at the road.
"I'm sorry," he said again, his voice far quieter. "And I'm sorry I shouted at you just then. I'm just... trying to figure out what you want." He played with his claws for a bit, before, moving on, "I mean, how the hell do I know?" he added, softly. "I've been going out with you, what, a day? A day and a half? I know we shouldn't even be thinking about marriage this early on. And yet, one way or another, the subject just seems to keep coming up. But how can you be sure it's what you want? How can either of us be sure so soon? You'll tire of me some day," he added gloomily, his head slowly limping into his paws.
"I know you will. The day my teasing ceases to amuse you and just pisses you off instead. And when that happens, I'm screwed. You realize that, right? That's all I got going for me. That's the only way I know how to talk; to joke and to tease and to dodge the question and avoid the answer, because it's always been easier to do that than to square-up to how I really feel."
The fox wiped his eyes with the palm of his paw, so enwrapped with his thoughts he didn't even notice that Judy had pulled the car to a stop. "I've been living on my nerves for the past twenty years now. It gives you energy, sure, but it's paper thin; there's nothing beneath it. If I try to change my ways now... it'll ruin me. I don't have the strength to be open about who I love and the things I want so bad, it just keeps me up at night. It's just not something I am able to do, Judy. I've been wearing a mask for too long, been playing the part of the untouchable fox so much. I can't remember how to stop acting anymore. It's become me."
Judy couldn't hold her relief away as she tugged a subtle and understanding smile. "Nick, I know who you are. I've seen into the darkest, most wretched parts of your life. I've seen you at your very best! The day you graduated from the academy, the first day at work together, last night at your apartment... and I've seen you at your very worst. I've seen you stand up to me, completely fearless, in the face of Chief Bogo. I've seen you throw yourself in front of me because you thought I was in peril. I know you've gone without so I could have what you felt I deserved, and without ever seeking any consideration or thanks in reward."
"I have seen the Nick behind the mask. I know who you are on the inside. I know that, while the fox on the outside is a great guy and a real charmer... the fox on the inside has a heart of pure gold. And the moments I've spent with that Nick... have been some of the happiest moments of my life."
The fox grabbed the rabbit's paw and held it, forlornly. "And what about the day you want to have kids, Judy? Kids of your own flesh and blood? I certainly can't give them to you!"
"We'll get to that when it comes, Nick. But for now, all I want is to be with you. That's the only thing that really matters to me."
"But, Ju—"
"And I'm sorry to cut this short, but this really isn't the time or place to be talking about this."
His ears lowered at her words glumly, but he nodded after a moment and released her paw. "Why can't this just be easy?" he muttered to himself.
Judy smiled at him, gently. "And since when has either of our lives been easy?"
The fox chuckled as he wondered out of the window, his head resting on his paw as Judy re-ignited the car and started back down the road. Nick turned to her, honestly, "I do want to talk to you about it all though."
"Me too, Nick. There's a lot I want to get figured out tonight."
"After the raid?"
"I'm seeing Jack at the café, remember?"
"Oh... yeah."
"Sorry."
"Doesn't matter. I can do that overtime I still owe Bogo for taking Monday off."
Judy nodded, a little disappointed that she had to push that conversation aside, but realizing that if they talked about it now, it would either be rushed or result in the two of them being unable to locate Nyilas in time to prepare for the raid. "So, what's Jack like?" she asked.
"Huh, what's the politically correct term?"
"A bastard?"
The fox chuckled. "Well, that's a start, Hopps. He's a femammlenizer for sure and corrupt to the soul— at least he was at one point, even if he has always denied it."
"What do you mean he denied it? To his seniors?"
"Well yeah, he denied it to his seniors, obviously. But what I meant was that he denied it to himself. All the while, when he was working as a bent agent for me, he believed what he was doing was in the law's best interest. Always prattling on about how this was just some 'supreme sacrifice' he was making. I always found it hilarious, listening to his little speeches about how he was gonna fix the city and save the world, just after he'd sold vital government secrets to the largest criminal gang in Tundratown for the sake of his own advancement."
"He never caught onto what you were doing?"
"Oh no, it was worse than that. He knew what I was doing. He knew exactly why it was in my interests to push him as high up the ranks as possible, and he still believed he was doing the right thing."
"But, if that's what he believed, and that was the reason he did the things he did… doesn't that make his intentions... honorable?"
"Not exactly. What you believe in is one thing, but... look, as Freud once said, 'Every desire has its cause, but the cause may be obscured from plain sight, altered, rationalized by the subconscious part of the brain to justify it'. Some are simpler, some are more complex, and some we don't even consider. For instance," Nick asked, matter-of-factly, "why is it you always want to be so physically close to me?"
"Because... well, because I love you, Nick."
"Wrong." The rabbit blinked in befuddlement. "At its core, and I'm talking its very core, all other emotions and desires completely stripped away: it's your sexual drive trying to get you to mate with me so we can have kids and carry on the species." A heavy blush grew on the rabbit's face, a wave of heat flushing through her. Did he know? Did he know that she wa—
"And while Jack always made a big song and dance about how important the safety of Zootopia was to him, a statement he believed, I'll give him that. What it all boils down to is wanting to be the guy everyone looks up to and says, 'You saved us. You saved all of us. We are indebted to you and we will be grateful and love you forever'."
"So what are you saying, he has an inferiority complex?"
"Essentially, yes. He feels the constant need to prove his worth: to himself more than everyone else, and seeks praise from wherever he can get it."
"So what caused it?"
"I'd hate to think. I never knew him socially. But from what I gather, his early life wasn't the happiest of times. He seems totally committed to justice and doing the right thing... but he doesn't always seem to quite realize when he's crossed the line in the pursuit of justice and ends up doing more bad then good."
"So he's like a black knight?"
"Or a guardian demon."
"Oh. Any examples?"
The fox paused for a moment as he considered, then spoke, "Alright. Once, about half a year after I recruited him, the MI-Z assigned him with the task of capturing and interrogating an ex-policemammle who was reported to have joined a small criminal gang in Precinct One. The Ministry wanted him to find the defector and get him to spill the names of the other members of the gang. Now, as the relationship always was between Jack and myself, it was a favor for a favor. He pawed over plans for some kind of prisoner transfer we could intercept… I forgot the details. And we, in return, found his defected copper. We took him to a place only Firm members could get to and tied him down to a chair and gave Jack half an hour to do whatever he felt necessary to do without being disturbed.
"Now, unofficially, the MI-Z know that interrogations sometimes get a little rough. You'll never hear them admit that, obviously, but what Jack did... God." The fox paused, taking a breath which shivered a little in the memory of what he had seen that night before he continued. "The interrogation had turned into torture Judy. And Jack had beaten him to death with his bare paws." Taking a breath, the fox calmed himself.
"I was stood just outside the door when it happened. I heard shouting and screaming, which didn't surprise me. And then it just stopped, and everything went deathly silent. I opened the door and stepped in; there was Jack facing away from me, the corpse of the mammal lying in a heap on the floor. When he heard the door opening, Jack turned to me, and his face was just..." the fox cringed, visibly. "He turned around, walked up and just threw his arms around me. He hugged me tightly, so tightly, for over an hour while crying his eyes out into my chest, wailing like a child. I've never seen him so weak as in that moment. I don't think he meant to kill him. I don't think he knew what he was doing. I think he just went into a blind fury, forgot where he was, and let all his rage and his malice and his emotional insecurity loose on this poor mammal… who turned out not to be a defector anyway."
"But it was all done with the best intentions! All done for a cause Jack knew was worth fighting for: the law. And he was prepared to do anything, break any rule, go as low as he needed to catch and deal with anyone who was a threat to the safety of Zootopia. Even willing to join a criminal super-power to do it." Nick paused in the swamps of his life. "To me, this speaks of a lack of understanding between right and wrong, something most of us learn from our parents. This gives me all kinds of ideas as to what his early life might have been like."
He leaned away, gazing at the roof. "The best I could come up with was that his parents were lawyers or cops or maybe secret agents themselves, even. Two good people with a lot of respect for justice and doing the right thing. Then one day, on a mission or on patrol, something happens to them... and Jack never sees them again. The authorities take him into protective care, a foster home or orphanage. And the young Jack Savage, like millions of kids in that situation do, just snapped and went out of control."
"If that is the case like I suspect it is, he would have been moved from orphanage to orphanage: never happy, never able to settle, always picking fights and getting into trouble and getting kicked out and moved to the next place. When he reached eighteen, the state would have dropped him like a hot potato and left him to fend for himself. Now I don't know if any of that's true… I had my best mammals spend weeks looking into his past, and they couldn't find a thing. Not one trace of who he might once have been. In fact, the only thing I know for sure is that he sure as hell didn't used to be called Jack Savage." Judy glanced to the fox; he nodded towards her, meaningfully.
"But, the thing is," he forged on, thoughtfully, "is that we... you, only know him as the mammal he is today. The double-dealing, self-obsessed, traitorous femammlenizer. When really, Hopps, the truth is... he wasn't all that different from you at one time. All he wanted to do was make the world a better place. But in truth, it was the world that changed him..." Judy glanced to the fox and saw him staring down at nothing, his eyes lost to a distant memory, his voice as cold and absent as his thoughts... "I changed him." The fox's voice dropped low as he glared at his paws clasped in his lap.
"It was late in the year in wintertime. About three, four years after I recruited him. He phoned me one day, asked if we could meet somewhere private. It was arranged and we met up later that day." Nick's eyes lost themselves up at the sky outside. "He said things to me I never thought I'd hear, not from him. Not Jack: the fantastic femammlenizer who shared a bed with a different girl each night, and who hated and loathed and despised me with all his soul."
Her voice was soft as she asked, "What did he say?"
"I remember every detail of what happened," Nick continued without noting Judy's question immediately, "the way he shifted from foot to foot, how he kept fidgeting with his paws, kept trailing off and stuttering… his expression, his tone, the way he kept looking off to the side before looking back—"
"But what did he say?" Nevertheless, she wasn't given an answer, as Nick was lost in his memories.
"And I laughed at him," Nick added, sickly. "I just stood there, and laughed at him." His gaze falling, the fox's eyes closed remorsefully. "Out of everything else that was going on in his life at the time, everything that made him look in the mirror and wonder who the heck he was, made him question his values, his faiths, beliefs. After everything he had been through, it was this... me... that finally broke him."
"Nick, what did he say?"
"Sorry, Hopps. That's not my secret to tell."
"Oh." The car fell silent, while Judy drove, now heading back into the city as they neared the university. "You said before that my ego isn't so inflated and my morals are too strong to allow myself to fall into the same trap Jack did. What trap was that? Nick?" Judy turned to the fox. His eyes were vacant and distanced as he roamed at the space before him, his face blank, his mind obviously sunk in thought. "Nick," she prompted again, reaching out a paw and touching him on the shoulder, "it's okay."
He slowly moved, smiled at her cheerfully and spoke, his voice up-beat and jovial — Judy knew it was forced, "But enough about me, let's go back to that infinitely more entertaining conversation about our future together."
Judy breathed softly. The change in conversation was hardly subtle, but then, that wasn't the point. Nick wanted her to know that he couldn't talk further about his past dealings with Jack, whatever they were... if only she knew what they were, maybe she could've helped him! But, if there was one thing she'd learned the hard way, it was that if there was no more give in Nick's leeway, it was time to stop pushing.
"Alright," she relented, aware she had just discovered another thorn from Nick's life she didn't even know was there, but also knowing there was nothing more to be done about it yet, "you win. Let's go back to the tedious topic of discussing all the people who are gonna hate us if we ever get married."
"Married?" he exclaimed, managing a chuckle which was now only half-forced, "who wants to talk about marriage when we can't even do that yet? No, Hopps, no. I'm thinking of something far more... current."
Although the rabbit didn't yet know what he meant, clearly a small part of her did because his words sent a light tingle down her spine. "Wh— what were you thinking?"
Nick leaned towards her, his grin now truthful. "What we're gonna do tonight."
"To— tonight?"
"As I think I heard a certain bunny say," he revised, adopting a high-pitched, fluttery impression of Judy's voice, "'I am going to share my body with you, you handsome devil, doing everything I can short of breaking my parents' wishes'."
"I— didn't say that."
"Oh? Well as my mom always said, 'if it looks like a rabbit and sounds like a rabbit, it's probably Judy trying to wriggle out of something.'"
"I'm not wriggling out of anything," she shot, quickly, "it's just, what I said to you… it wasn't all that well-thought out, and I lost something of what I meant to say in the way it was—"
"No, my love," he interjected, slyly, "you're not getting out of it that easily. Whether you meant to say it or not, that is what you said. So I ask you, Judy, what exactly constitutes your parents' wishes? At what point does sex become sex?" The rabbit's heart started thumping louder; the blood rushing to her ears and her cheeks, and making them tinge red with a blush.
"There you go again," the fox smirked, "venting your desires."
"I'm sorry, I—" The rabbit huffed, heat enshrouding all around her collar. She tugged at it and then undid a button... "I haven't been feeling quite myself."
Nick raised a brow. "How do you mean? You ill?"
"Erm, sorta."
"You okay to work?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
"Well, what are the symptoms?"
"Oh, this and that…" she mumbled vaguely in dismiss. "Light-headedness, a little dizziness, upset stomach..." The rabbit cleared her throat, moving her head closer to the steering wheel as though hoping she could crawl in and disappear within it… "Mood swings, heat flushes, inability to concentrate."
"Hell, mood swings? What the heck causes mood swings?"
"I'm fine, Nick," Judy assured nervously, "just... fine."
"Like hell you are. Heat flushes, inability to concentrate? We need to get you to a hospital, Hopps."
"I'll be fine, Nick," she repeated, her volume increasing.
"You're not, fine," he asserted, tersely, "you're sick. Now, if you're feeling light-headed, at least let me drive the car so we don't—"
"Nick," she shouted, "listen to my words! I am fine. Do you understand me?" The rabbit snapped sharply to the fox's saddened expression, and she scolded herself for doing so, thus, turning her eyes back to the road as she tried to calm herself.
"Judy, I'm... I'm only trying to help you."
Growling, Judy's grip grew excessively tight as she tried to control the shaking of her paws. "Nick, I... I'm—" The rabbit's body flushed with warmth and her head became faint. She drew in a long breath and let it out in a loud huff which shook with nerves as it was blown out of her... "I'm in heat."
Nick's reaction was of full slack. "I-I-I mean soon," she stuttered, "well, now, I guess. I'm in heat as of now, thanks to you. Not that it was your fault," she added, starting to ramble through her anxiety, "I mean, it was due any day now… But you're the one who's kicked it into overdrive and it's just... it's—" A small chuckle interrupted her. "Damn it, Nick, how can you be laughing?"
"Sorry, Carrots, sorry. It's just... so, that's what I've been smelling all day?"
"What! Ha— have you always known the days I was in heat?"
"No, Fluff, no. But then I've never been able to get quite so close to you before now. And your heats aren't normally this bad, I'd wager?" The rabbit growled, but nodded to Nick's new amusement.
"It was when we were rolling around on the floor this morning I first noticed something a little different about your scent; it's slowly been getting more, erm... potent, through the day. But I didn't know what it was because I've never smelt it on you before. Though, I admit," he whispered, mildly, "there were one or two occasions where I thought you smelt somewhat more delectable than usual."
"And getting shut in a confined space, sitting right next to you after that intimate little chat we had sure hit the point home." The fox angled towards the rabbit and drew a small, appreciating sniff. "You do realize the car's been full of it since you got in here, right?" The fox sat back in his seat smugly as he waited for Judy's retort. None came. A brow picking up, he inclined forwards and looked back towards the rabbit who had focused all her attention, very deliberately, on driving. Nick smirked. Yeah, like he was letting this go that easily…
"So, Carrots," Nick continued in a patronizingly impartial voice, "a rabbit in heat. What does that mean, exactly, huh?"
"You know what it means," Judy grunted.
"Actually, I don't know all that much about it. It's something to do with the math's season, isn't it?"
"No! Mating season, Nick. Mating, not maths!"
"Same thing, surely."
"How are they the same thing?!"
"They both involve a certain amount of... multiplying." The fox grinned wider as the rabbit groaned, her open paw meeting her face as she huffed loudly. "Ohh," Nick groaned, mocking arousal, "why, Hopps, you sound tense. Need me to give you a 'release' for some of that 'pent-up' stress?"
The rabbit put her finger in her mouth and bit it, hard. "Nick," she warned, "this seriously isn't the best time to be playing with sex jokes. Do you have any idea what it's doing to me right now?"
"Well," he answered smoothly, "there's an easy way to find out." With that, the fox slid his paw across the distance between them. He placed it on Judy's knee to a small gasp from the rabbit and began to slowly stroke it up and down her leg — taking it a little higher each time. "Just think what'd happen if I tried to take things further."
"Nick, you jerk, stop!"
He tipped in, his voice a hot breath in her ear. "Just think what would happen," he said again, his thumb tracing along her inner thigh. "You know... I'm horny too."
Judy tried to pretend it was all his paw's doing, but she knew it was the simple fact of Nick voicing his desire that sent yet another flush of heat through her, his paw creeping closer to the center of that apex-craving. "Yeah, that's right," the red fox breathed, "that's what you like."
"Nick... please..."
His paw halted. "Do you want me to stop?"
"Yes..." the rabbit choked a slow breath, trying as best as she could to keep her focus on the road, "and no." The fox got in close to the rabbit, his paw edging up just that inch closer to the source of all the rabbit's pent-up frustration and desire.
"Maybe," he whispered, "a little bite is what you'd like. A little nip from the hungry predator."
His eyes mooned, then he leaned closer-still and pinched his teeth lightly on Judy's shoulder, making her gasp with a shiver.
"Nick," she shouted, frantic but failing.
"Because I'm the predator here, Judy," he rumbled, tilting his head up a little more and pinching the exposed fur on her neck where she had undone her top buttons.
"Nerh... Nick—"
"And you're my prey."
"Ohhhh," the rabbit groaned, pulling down another road, her eyes suddenly widening with realization as she noticed a large sign. "Oh look," Judy shouted, "we're here, Nick, we're here!" She shoved his head away with her paw, a forced grin on her face and her voice several octaves higher-pitch than normal. "We're here now, so, we have to go, a, and—"
She trailed off, practically ripping her seat belt off and diving for the door handle, her heart pounding at an uncontrollable rate in her chest, while her whole body practically rippled with flames.
Her paws reached for the door handle, but then an auburn one stopped her. The larger paw clamped tightly around Judy's wrist. The rabbit froze, a low and animalistic sound rumbling out from right behind her, a sound which sent her mind right back through the generations of evolution and right back to her primitive ways.
Growling.
Her head turned slowly, gasping at seeing the fox's face with his mouth twisted in something between a grin and a snarl, every one of his gleaming teeth on display and his emerald eyes a beacon of untamed, unstoppable, unsatisfiable... lust. In a snarl of sudden activity, the fox grabbed his prey by the waist and pulled her effortlessly across him. He set her down on the dashboard in front of him, her paws either side of his head on the headrest, while her feet were on either side of his knees.
"Nick?" Judy cried in surprise and worry, "Nick!" In an almost frenzied rush the fox's paws worked at the rabbit's belt, undid the button, slid down the zipper, parted the rabbit's legs with his large, red paws and pushed his muzzle deep between the rabbit's thighs. "Nick!" she cried again.
The fox inhaled. He inhaled deep and he inhaled long. He inhaled until his lungs were full of the rabbit's intensely appealing musk, and then he held the breath within him. The fox breathed out through his mouth slowly, a long and deep groan of pleasure escaping his lips. His glazed eyes rose to look at the rabbit, whose scent of arousal he could taste on his tongue, while he was only half surprised when he saw her. Her every muscle was tightened and her eyes were clamped shut. Her jaw was set hard and her breaths were still. She sighed, whimpered just a little before she spoke in a weak and breathless tone, "How... how long do we have?"
"Not long enough for that, if that's what you mean."
A soft, panting chuckle escaping her, the rabbit crossed her legs around the fox's neck. "Nuh-not even a little?"
The fox lowered his snout, touching his nose gently down on the moist material of the rabbit's black panties, hence, making her groan at the sensation as he again inhaled her essence.
"If I go any further than this," he dissuaded, his hot breath a warm purr against the bunny's folds, "there is no 'just a little'. There is no 'going back'. I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't have enough self-control to stop."
"I don't want you to stop."
"— We have to." The rabbit opened her eyes for the first time since this happened, trying to focus on the fox as he sat back and mooned at her steadily in predatorial need. His voice was pained and sorrowful, wretched almost, but earnest and resolute. "I don't want our first time to be in a car, Judy." His head shook, slowly. "That's just not right."
The rabbit stared into the fox's face with a questioning expression for a few moments longer... then she collapsed with a heavy groan, her head falling with a thump onto the car dashboard, her legs spread either side of the fox's head. "You... big... jerk."
Nick waited from between her legs. It would be so easy to just inch forward, twitch aside that thin layer of material, take his tongue and... without a word, the fox raised his large paws. He touched them for a moment upon the rabbit's inner thighs and then tenderly, reverently re-covered the rabbit's modesty — the rabbit huffing and panting, her eyes closed, just before him.
Author's notes:
Hesitance jumps around your mind,
Grooms decision thus chosen blind.
Your thoughts most succulent of snack,
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