Callie POV
I run up the stairs and into my room and throw on a hoodie. I lay on my bed facing the wall and I start to cry. I hate that this man has broken me, that he literally tore me apart. I hate that I can't be what my moms- no, what Stef and Lena- deserve. They deserve more. I should run away and never come back it would solve so many problems for them. I hear someone knock on the door and I quickly wipe my tears and pretend to be asleep. I feel my bed shift and someone roll me over. "Cals baby I know you're not asleep. Talk to me about what you said to Mama. You know she loves you more than anything." I open my eyes to see Stef looking at me and my heart is breaking. I'm hurting them and I hate this. I hate that I attract all this hurt and pain everywhere I go. I didn't realize I was staring at her until I felt her hand on my cheek. "Callie come out of your head for awhile and talk baby. Do you really think Mama hates you? That she wishes she never brought you home?" I nod and I watch as her face drops a little but she's tries to quickly recover. "Do you think I hate you? Or that I wish you never came here?" I can feel how tense she is and I roll into a ball on my side closer to her. She quickly changes positions so that my head is in her lap as she plays with my hair. "I think you love me a lot. But I think you'll wish I never came here once you know everything. But right now I think you love me." I feel the atmosphere change slightly as she tenses but I ignore it and keep talking. "I think Mama regrets bringing me here. That she thinks I'm a bitch who should have kept her mouth closed that day and just listened and we wouldn't have been in that situation. Mom don't tell Mama but I dream about that night everytime I close my eyes and I hardly sleep. I hate myself so much because of that day. All she wanted was to spend more time with each other and because I was tired and scared to get too close I told her I'd rather be home. Mom, I love her a lot but it's all so much. I hate that it took what happened for us to be closer, because then to me that's always going to be the reason why we got closer. I don't want to replace you either by getting closer to her.." She cuts me off there. "Oh my love. Please understand that you getting closer to Mama only makes me happier. I love Lena with every part of me. She's my life. You kids are my life. You allowing yourself to love her the way you love me and everyone else only completes me more. She loves you so much and what just happened downstairs destroyed her. Partly because of what you said but mainly because we can tell how much you're hurting. You're starting to close yourself off again just because you've gotten so close that you're afraid if you get closer it's all going to go to hell. You don't talk that often unless one of us address you first. When you do talk it's very few words. You're closing in on yourself and telling everyone you're fine to keep the hurt away from them. Sometimes you just gotta let yourself fall apart and there's no shame in that not even a little. My love always remember no matter how hard you pull away or how close you get to someone that I still know you better than you know yourself. I'll always help you back up when fall apart." I look up to her eyes and my walls crumble. I cry hard as she holds me. Giving me the affection I have been craving for so long. "I'm afraid that what I say to Mama will crush her if she sees how much pain and guilt I am carrying. How can I ask her to carry that load with me?" I feel her pull me up and she cups my cheek. "Cals that's her choice you can't take that from her. You trying not to crush her is crushing her and yourself. Don't push her away but tell her you're not ready to talk if you aren't. Just don't push her away because you love her and she loves you. You know this deep down in your heart even if your mind hasn't caught up yet. I love you. I'll be here when you're ready to talk more. Think about it love." She kisses my forehead and walks away leaving me alone to my thoughts and I think about everything she said. Maybe Lena does truly love me but then that voice pops up and it tells me she could never love me especially after everything that has happened now. I fall asleep during the internal battle with myself not sure which voice I'm going to listen to. The one my mom has shed some light on or the one that is constantly in the dark. Leaving me with one question. Talking, does it actually help or does it only make things more complicated?