A/N : Let me know if the formatting or font is messed up again. This is available on AO3 with the same name, you could read there if it isn't readable here.
Piper held on to her for a long time, hoping as if to leave a mark on Alex to remind her that she was here. That she was not going anywhere. Not this time. When the guards again appeared at the edges of the doorway, she glared at them. But Alex had to go back to her cell eventually.
"Apply for the furlough, okay? I'll make sure that it gets through." She said. Alex nodded in reply.
Don't let anyone see you like this, she wanted to say, they are like vultures who feed on vulnerability. Eat something before you go to bed. Talk to the counsellor please. Stay safe for one more night. But she didn't. This was her Alex. Her Alex who had survived worse than prison. Who was stronger than she ever will be. Who will hate her if she coddled too much. So, she said,
"Take care. I will be here tomorrow."
"And- And the funeral? I don't know anything about-" Alex stopped short. "I have never buried anyone else before." She said blankly, like it was a distant thought she wasn't aware of.
"I will take care of that." Piper said reassuringly.
"Okay." Alex said and with a pleading look in her eyes, she again asked, "You will be here tomorrow?"
She isn't sure if I would come. How could she doubt that after everything? Piper wanted to ask. Because I wasn't here the last time. Because grief resurfaces all of her insecurities. Because once she is outside of these walls, she will have no one but me. And it is wrong to have so much power over someone she loved. So, she would answer Alex a thousand times if it made her feel better.
"Yes. Yes, I would be." Piper reassured. How could I not be?
"Okay." Alex nodded her head once again. "Thank you."
Piper kissed her cheek. "I love you."
Alex hugged her for the last time and replied, "I love you too." But Piper could see the unsaid words in her eyes. Please don't leave me. Again.
And Piper was angry. She did not have a choice but to leave Alex alone in grief even if for a few hours. She never seemed to have a choice. Never. So, she stayed glued to her place as the guard led Alex out of the visitation room. She stayed till Alex was out of her eyesight. After that, with a heavy heart she got out of the building and vomited on the sidewalk.
The weather had decided to be a bitch today. It had been raining since morning. Last night, Piper had placed a few calls and made arrangements with a funeral home. Then made another set of calls for Alex's furlough. And now she was standing outside of Litchfield penitentiary, in black suit and trousers, hugging a beige trench coat close to her shoulders as water dripped into the ground from the umbrella overhead. The parking lot was eerily empty. Dark clouds hung low in the sky as if they were in mourning too. It was 10 in the morning but the sun had yet to appear.
Piper had imagined this sort of day many times. In her thoughts the day Alex got released was sunny and bright. Piper had imagined herself to be happy and crying. She had imagined herself picking up burgers and french fries and milkshakes from all the places that Alex loved. She had imagined herself running into Alex's arms when she finally got out of there. She had imagined Alex kissing with fire, touching her, feeling her, hugging her. But now it was all a dream. The sky weeped. She couldn't be happy because it would be cruel and she couldn't cry because who would stay strong for Alex then.
Sighing, Piper glanced at her watch. Any minute now.
A figure in prison issued clothes came out of the building holding a duffle bag and frowned at the weather before her eyes landed upon Piper. Piper released a relieved sigh. Alex was out and safe. And she will never go in there again.
Piper's feet moved on their own accord and soon she was pulling Alex underneath her umbrella. Alex sighed and put her forehead against hers. Somehow, she looked older. There were lines on her face that had not been there yesterday. The uncharacteristic red and puffy skin under her eyes acted as a reminder of the situation they were in. A small smile graced her lips despite all the looming sadness in her eyes. Piper felt herself smile too. The rain was falling heavily and there was not much space under the umbrella. So they pressed closer, like magnets.
"You are here." Piper whispered.
"It appears so, yes." Alex chuckled. Piper had missed that sound. Piper kissed her then, soft and tentative. Alex reacted hungrily, biting and sucking. Piper slipped her fingers in her hair as Alex moved down to her jaw. They were kissing in the rain, under an umbrella that was too small but Piper didn't mind. Soon Alex was wet, quite literally due to the rain.
"You are wet." Piper teasingly said. "From the rain."
Alex let out a breathy laugh. Piper played the sound in her head in repeat. She looked so beautiful, so ethereal, like one of the heroines from her classic novels. Except her glasses were askew and lips swollen from kissing Piper. Then Alex's mirth disappeared as soon as it had come.
"I wish the circumstances were better." she said. You deserve better than me, she wanted to say.
"Let's get out of here." Piper replied, nodding.
Piper drove back to her brownstone in comfortable silence. When they entered, she tried to imagine what Alex thought about it. It looked more lived in and homey to Piper. But Alex didn't mention anything. She had been quiet the whole way and now she simply asked for where the bathroom was.
Piper put the black dress and balck leather jacket she had taken out of Alex's storage on the bed. It was a simple yet elegant dress, one that Alex had not bought to wear at her mother's funeral. And the jacket was Diane's. Alex had once fondly told her about it. How she used to wear her mother's clothes all the time. For Alex, Diane was nothing less than a supermodel. Piper never had that kind of relationship with her own mother. But she understood what unconditional love felt like. She loved Alex that way.
She also left the scarf that Alex had requested. It was made of the softest silk money could buy. Alex had bought it for Diane after she got her first commision in the cartel. Diane wore it proudly, Piper had seen the pictures.
With a heavy sigh Piper left the room. There were other arrangements to be made.
Piper ordered a couple of burgers and milkshakes from a nearby place, knowing that Alex had not eaten anything since morning. The delivery guy arrived when Alex was coming down the stairs.
She looked beautiful. It was all Piper could think. So utterly lovely in the black dress that hugged her perfectly.
"What is that?" Alex asked. Her voice was more gravely than before. She had been crying in the shower, Piper realized.
"Burgers." Piper answered.
"I was fucking starving. You are a lifesaver, Pipes." Alex took the bags and kissed Piper softly on the lips. Both of them halted. A sense of déjà vu clouded Piper's mind. And perhaps Alex felt it too.
They were like this back when they were in the cartel. Alex working hours on end, forgetting to eat or sleep. Then Piper came along. Piper noticed the pattern clearly. Alex would get antsy and irritating when she forgot to eat. Piper would order whatever was on the Hotel's menu. After getting their bellies full, Alex would utter the exact same words. You are a lifesaver, Pipes. But now all of that seemed a lifetime ago.
"The burgers are getting cold," She said.
Piper drove them to the cemetery where the burial was going to take place.
Alex had not been to many funerals. Diane had left home when she was a teenager. Since then her aunt and a couple of close friends were her only family. After joining the cartel, she had only kept in contact with her mother. So, no, perhaps this was her first real funeral.
Piper had been to many, she had told Alex over a glass of wine a few hours ago. It was nothing to brag about. But it was the truth. A lot of people kept dying around her, she had said. Her teammates, her targets, her friends from the army, her grandfather and grandmother. She was used to the cemetery in that sense.
"Sometimes I like jogging around the graveyards. It is creepy but I love the quiet only cemeteries seem to have . Like time capsules, everything still and decaying. Plus, they are always less crowded than central park."
Alex had frowned in reply. It didn't make sense then. But now, looking at the headstones and crosses littered across green fields, Alex understood why Piper liked it.
Alex's hands were fidgeting, her fingers looped around the scarf, toying with it. Although the rain had stopped a while ago, the sky was still grey and angry. When they stepped out of Piper's car, the ground was wet and mossy. Alex offered Piper a hand to hold. But truly, it was for her own sake.
They made their way to the burial site. She was uncomfortable and spooked. She hated that Piper was relaxed and unbothered. She could be walking over dead bodies and she wouldn't know. Someday someone will walk over her Mum's and they wouldn't know. It made her sick. Her bloody eyes were getting blurry as the tears gathered in her eyes. She tried to command them, tell them to stop but they would not listen. She was sad and her body had different ways to show it. She felt like a mess.
Piper must have sensed her unease. She looked at her pointedly as if to say you are allowed to be sad. But she didn't say it. Not with words. Her hands reached Alex's glasses and removed them to wipe the tears away. She placed a hand on her cheek and kissed the corner of her mouth gently. Then she placed the glasses back and offered a handkerchief. Piper gripped her forearm a little tighter and placed her hand on the small of her back, guiding her to the site. Alex's breath came a little easier after that. The tears fell more freely. She felt seen and cared for.
"We are almost there." Piper said. Alex found herself nodding and holding onto her for a little longer. She thought she couldn't have done it without Piper.
She had chosen a quiet and humble graveside burial service. Diane always hated the pretentiousness. She felt her legs falter as the small hill came into view. Piper steadied her. Her aunt was blowing her nose into a blue handkerchief. Beside her the owner of her Mum's favorite diner was muttering prayers. The priest they had hired was going through a pamphlet in his hand. And that was it. Just the five of them.
Diane had friends and colleagues and lovers who would have come to say goodbye for the last time. But, with Alex being there, nobody dared to come except those who were as brave as her, she figured.
She could not remember what happened after that clearly.
The priest who had never known her mother was speaking strange words about her being a god loving woman or some bullshit.
No, she was not. Alex wanted to scream. She was a badass. She worked four jobs and drank frozen beer. She loved fluffy socks with holes and listened to punk rock. She was there when I got my first tattoo. She was there when I graduated. She was there when I came out. She was brave and fearless and kind and honest. And she loved me.
But she didn't scream. Instead she buried her face inside the crook of Piper's neck as Piper rubbed her back in slow circles, murmuring sweet nothings in her ear. She was sniffling and sobbing and the hole inside of her only seemed to be getting bigger. She was aware that it had started raining again when Piper freed one hand to open up the umbrella over their head.
Shortly after that, her aunt had left. Now there was no one there but the two of them. And her mum, six feet underground.
Piper remained silent by her side, covering her head from the rain as Alex let go of her to knelt beside the freshly turned earth.
Her mother had never known about her real job. Or that she went to see her father. Or that she was an addict. Or that she went to prison. Alex was selfishly happy about the prison part. What would have she done if she had known about it? Would she be disappointed? Alex could only imagine what she would have said. You fucked up real bad, kiddo. But it's okay, you served time for it. And look at the bright side. You got a decent girlfriend out of it. Alex smiled at the thought, Diane always found a bright side to everything. She clutched the little scarf a little closer to her heart.
Piper, she thought. Why was Piper here anyway? Alex was at her lowest. She had nothing to give. No money or adventure or intel. Only a few hundred dollars were left untouched by the feds in a joint account that she shared with her mother. Used to share, she corrected. The day after tomorrow she would be back in that hell. Her life was a bad kind of uncertain. Yet Piper was here. But for how long? A dirty voice said in her head. Piper had a flourishing career, a rich inheritance and friends who would die for her. What if one day she woke up and realized that Alex was no good for her?
A soft weight dropped on her shoulder, jerking her away from her thoughts. Alex looked up to find Piper's concerned face. It was as if Piper had known exactly what was going through Alex's mind.
"It's getting late." Alex cleared her throat and got up, brushing the dust off of her bare knees. "We still need to go to Jericho," Piper nodded and held out her hand.
They had planned to go to Jericho, to her mum's house which had been locked up for almost a year now. It was an one hour drive. Alex wanted to sort out some things. Piper had gone there on her request to cover and pack things up.
They made their way out of the cemetery hand in hand. Once inside the car, she opened up the window a little and glanced back at the dull grey headstone. Then she turned back to the front, willing herself to say goodbye for now. She looked at Piper who had been observing her attentively. I am ready to go.
They stopped the car on the side of the road when Piper's phone rang.
Washington, she mouthed, picking up the call.
"Washington," Piper said in lieu of a greeting. She nodded at something Poussey said.
This side of Piper's life still fascinated Alex. Like a switch that would turn on and off. Like right now, even if she was just talking on the phone, her shoulder tensed up. She gripped a steering wheel a little bit harder. Her voice demanding respect and oozing authority. Her brows furrowed in apt concentration and once in a while she brushed the coat where the holster was attached to her hip. It took Alex some time to get used to the idea of being around a gun at all times.
She loved Piper like this. All business. Serious and focused. Her very own James Bond. It turned her on. She wanted to run her hands on those tense shoulders, loosening them with soft kisses. Bite the soft skin of her hips and guide those skillful hands to where she needed them the most - in her wet core. She wanted that honey coated voice to say dirty, dirty things in her ear.
She was sure her eyes had turned a little bit darker and there was a faint blush on her cheeks. Piper would know exactly what she was thinking. She wanted Piper to know what she was thinking. She wanted Piper to act on it. Because she could not. Because even after everything there was this ugly voice in her head saying, you have nothing to give her. She already has everything. You are a broken, miserable thing. Even your mom left you. But she loves me, Alex thought. For how long? She will get bored of you. Maybe she loved you before when you had everything. Now you are just an orphan with no one in the world. It's not if she leaves you. It's when.
"Al," Piper said, putting her cell phone back in her pocket. Alex had zoned out of the conversation completely. "Did you hear what I said?"
She cleared her throat before answering, "Not exactly."
"There is something you should know." Piper was looking at her intently. Her eyes focused and hands fidgeting with the hem of her coat.
"What is it?"
"I wanted to tell you right away this morning but you were…" grieving, sad, broken "You were tired and I was still figuring things out. So…"
This is it, the voice said, she is breaking up with you. She doesn't love you anymore. Protect yourself. Save yourself before it's too late.
"Are you breaking up with me?" Alex aske jerkily, not letting the hurt she felt show up in her voice.
Piper looked bewildered for a second. "W-what? What are you-"
She doesn't want to hurt you. She is good like that. You don't deserve her. Spare her some mercy, Alex.
"This is it, isn't it?" Alex said, grinding her teeth. She was not going to cry, she was not, no way. "I get it. I don't love myself either. I just want you to know that I am sorry for the fucked up detour you took with me. You have done more than enough. Thank you for everything. I will find my own way back to Litchfield." Her voice broke by the end of it. "I will always love you."
Piper was still silent. Frozen in place. Her mouth opened and closed a few times. But still so fucking beautiful. Alex could not bear it anymore. Her hands found the door handle. She opened it and stepped out. The angry sky was pouring water as if it hated her. She gulped and stepped away from the car. Her tears now mixed with rainwater trailed down her cheeks. But before she could run away with her despair, she heard the other door opening.
In seconds, Piper was dashing towards her around the front of the car. Alex blinked. Piper was furious. She grabbed her by the lapels of her leather jacket and pushed her against the car door. Alex stumbled, coping from such brute force. She was startled by how gorgeous Piper looked even in this rain.
"Piper, what the-" Alex started but couldn't finish as Piper pushed her again, pressing her body against her own so closely that it started doing weird things to Alex's heart. She had missed the feeling of Piper's body.
Next thing she knew, she was being kissed. Fiercely. Hungrily. Desperately. Despite the gut wrenching cold, she felt warmth spreading in her stomach. She kissed back fervently. Piper's hands had moved up to her face, cupping them. By the time they let go, they were both panting. She was confused by the turn of events. But Piper's anger was more predominant.
Piper grabbed her by the lapels once again and pushed her. And boy, she would be lying if she said she didn't find it utterly sexy.
"You fucking idiot!" Piper screamed at her face. "You bloody fucking idiot! Is this proof enough for you?"
"Piper, what-"
"No, stop fucking talking." Piper covered her mouth with one hand and put the other over her breast, pinning her in place. "I am not breaking up with you. I fucking love you. And I did not come all this way, I did not put our lives on risk, to give up like a fucking coward. If you need time. Fine! Take your time. But I am not going anywhere. I will always, always wait for you. You are not a fucked up detour from my life. You are my fucking life, Alex. You are my everything. I cannot live without you. And I love you. I love you even if you don't. I will love you enough for both of us if you give me the chance. And I love you. I love you. I love you. And I will keep saying that for the rest of my life until you fucking believe me."
For the first time in months, Alex felt free. And light. And safe. And loved. And brave. Like someone had said that she wouldn't have to go back to Litchfield again. She realized Piper had loosened her grip, her hands were hanging awkwardly and her lips were trembling. Her face was low. Alex frowned and cupped her face in her hands and lifted.
Water was dripping from her golden hair, her cheeks pink from the cold and lips swollen from the last time they had kissed. Alex felt her heart skipping a beat or maybe two.
"Pipes," She said quietly. "I am an idiot. I am sorry."
"No." Piper whispered. Her voice hoarse and scratchy from the screaming. "No. I have also hurt you. I couldn't protect you. I made you feel… feel like shit. So I am sorry. For the lies and for Paris and for Litchfield. I am sorry. I will devote the rest of my life to make up for the mistakes I have made if you let me-".
Alex could not - would not let her go down that spiral. She would not let Piper feel anything less than the angel she was for her.
I love you too. Her lips said, colliding with Piper's. Her finger cradled the soft skin beneath her neck. They were cold and hot and wet and thirsty. Is this proof enough for you? Her hands asked. Her eyes soaked up the look of sweet relief in Piper's eyes. I love you, they said, You are the best thing that ever happened to me, you are everything I have left now. And I love you.
And even as she was kissing her and kissing her and kissing her, she wished she were kissing her, wanting more, more, more, more, like she couldn't get enough, never will be able to get enough.
This is not the end. What was Piper really going to say? Who knows.
Coming up : Foggy car windows and discarded clothes ;)
Thank you for all the love. And yes, I heard you, marriage (maybe, maybe not). Please don't kill me.