A/N: I can't really talk about why I haven't updated in forever. All I can say is that it involves Pokemon Go and Novelas. I have no shame. None.

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FIFTEEN

Disillusions

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His first birthday was drawing near. Wendy had brought it up on multiple occasions with a sense of excitement and sadness rolled into one. Summer was just around the corner and soon autumn would arrive. Once again the leaves would fall off the trees in multiple colors of yellow, red and orange. And with autumn would come the first year anniversary of Johnny Winters' birth.

On that day, a day in mid-September, Lana had just come home from a long day out on the field. She was frustrated and on the verge of ripping a few hairs out. It was one of those moments in where she felt like she was backtracking. After the hype of Briarcliff had died down, Lana felt herself disappearing into the background. The news of the asylum was becoming something of the past and all her work was slowly being forgotten just like Bloody Face.

Lana hated the feeling of failure. She desperately tried to bury it deep inside her as she opened the door to her home and stepped inside. There had to be something that would keep her from sinking and that something was a certain manuscript hiding on the highest shelf of her bookcase.

"Na-na!" Lana heard the little squeal and looked up to see her little boy crawling at full speeds towards her. His wide smile cleared her mind of the manuscript right away.

Wendy was standing in the living room entrance, a bright smile to her face.

Lana knelt down and let the baby reach her. "Oh, my. What a lovely welcoming."

"Little quickstir, isn't he?" Wendy teased.

Lana laughed, forgetting all her failures. If anything, that boy was more than an accomplishment. He was a product of her victory.

However, Lana often forgot that.

"Hi, little boy, hello."

"Na-na!" He giggled.

They had deemed "Nana" to be Johnny's first word. Or at least an attempt at his first word. He had said it one night after a terrible tantrum when Lana placed him in his crib to go to sleep. The word has granted him a trip to his mother's arms and plenty kisses from Wendy who couldn't stop gushing.

Lana frowned, "Why do you keep calling me that?" She looked up at Wendy as she stood up with Johnny in her arms, "Why does he keep calling me that?"

Wendy went up to her and gave her a kiss, "I think he's trying to say Lana."

"Hmph. Well, isn't that something?"

Johnny leaned in and planted a wet, sloppy kiss on his mother's cheek in attempts to mimic Wendy's actions.

Wendy laughed. "Aw, that's so sweet."

Lana snorted, "Is that what you call a kiss, boy?"

Johnny said nothing but gibberish and squirmed to be let down. Lana set him down on his own little feet. He tumbled and fell sideways and crawled off.

"Oh, Lana why do you pick on him?"

Lana laughed, "I'm not picking on him."

"He's trying his best."

"I'm sure he is."

Wendy shook her head. "How was work?" She asked, picking up a few toys from the ground in attempts to clean up a little bit.

"Great." Lana lied. She didn't want Wendy to know how terrible she had been doing in that moment. She walked to the mini bar and poured herself a drink. "Never better."

Lana took a sip from the hard liquor and looked over at Johnny who was attempting to stand on his own but would fall over. She was growing deeply concerned that at eleven months he still wasn't walking.

"He's a late bloomer." She had assured herself and Wendy. After all, most babies didn't begin to walk until well after their first birthdays according to Wendy. Johnny was sure one of them.

Lana liked to believe that.

"How was he?" Lana took a seat on the sofa.

Wendy sat next to her. "He was fine. Threw a fit earlier but I think it's because of his incoming teeth."

"That could be it."

Johnny crawled over to the bookshelf and used it as leverage to stand up. He reached for the figurines on the only shelf he could barely reach and attempted to grab one.

"Hey, you stop that." Lana called over to him.

Johnny turned around, flashed her a little impish smile and then turned back to the figurines.

"You break it you buy it, little boy."

"Dah!" He shouted back and babbled baby gibberish.

"Now I know you aren't talking back to your mother." Lana replied.

Wendy laughed at Lana's banter with the boy. She treated Johnny like a little person; it was amusing to see.

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Lana cooked that afternoon. She received a few jokes from Wendy but for the most part Wendy kept herself occupied with the baby boy that only wanted to be with his mother. Once Lana came home from work, Johnny became a little wad of gum.

At one point, Wendy gave up and handed the boy to Lana. Lana settled him on her hip and continued to cook. Wendy just watched with a humble smile. She always knew Lana would come around to the roll of a mother. Wendy was proud of her.

Things seemed so well that afternoon until nighttime came around again. It was around three in the morning when Lana woke from another night terror. The night terrors and the nightmares seemed to have become a part of normal life in the Winters-Peyser household. Wendy woke with a fright to the sound of Johnny's crying and Lana's suffering. It became so often that when Lana woke, she put herself together and calmed her son.

Most nights, like that night, Lana suffered her dreams in silence and woke to find Wendy still fast asleep. Johnny however was fussing in his crib. Lana got out of bed and picked up the boy from the crib. She took him to the living room and sat on the sofa, cradling him like a newborn.

Johnny whimpered and mumbled but Lana kept him calm. They calmed each other. His mother's presence always made Johnny feel at ease and his presence alone made Lana forget all her demons.

Little by little, Lana began to understand her love for the boy. It was different than the love Wendy had for him. It ran deep through her veins and she knew he was the one thing that was holding her together. His innocence and dependency on her softened her, made her realize that he needed her and she had to be present for him.

But it was his unconditional love that really opened her eyes. Sure, the boy adored Wendy but he always sought Lana out first and Lana always kept that in mind.

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The two women strolled through the park early that Saturday morning. Lana pushed Johnny in his tram. He lay on his back with a rattle in his hand, looking up at the faces of his mothers. When Lana made eye contact with him, he'd smile.

"It's such a lovely day, isn't it?" Wendy asked, holding her hands behind her back as she walked.

"Extremely lovely." Lana agreed. Her eyes scanned the park looking at all the people enjoying the fresh weather.

Lana often saw men that resembled Oliver in the slightest, whether it was a pair of glasses or the style of a hair cut and she would become tense. She shied away from them and became silent.

Wendy took almost no notice and continued to enjoy their walk. She had other thoughts on her mind like her deep desire to show her family off out in the open like men and women did together. She knew she had promised Lana she wouldn't back out that time around but the fear to come out was still so strong within her. It weakened her and Wendy knew if Lana found out, she would lose her for good. There would be no third chances.

Wendy forced a smile and continued to talk about her plans for her new class. She was always so excited to meet her new students and would go on and on about her lesson plan. Lana let Wendy talk about the upcoming school year even though she didn't much care for it. She knew she should feel bad for being so dismissive about Wendy's passion but it was that passion that sent Lana to Briarcliff. Lana supposed she still felt some animosity towards Wendy's job for making her Wendy so weak and afraid. Lana knew that was the difference between them: Lana would have given up her career for the woman she loved. Or so she had told herself.

Lana and Wendy picked a shady spot under a tree and placed a blanket down. Lana took Johnny out of the tram and sat him on the blanket with them. He shook his rattle and looked around his surroundings. Wendy brought out a few snacks that the two women shared together.

After Lana was done eating, she lit a cigarette. Wendy disapproved immediately and gave her a stern look.

"Oh, don't be so rigid." Lana inhaled and blew the smoke away from Johnny, "It's going downwind."

Wendy shook her head. She herself hadn't given up smoking but she had done so in front of Johnny. "Just don't blow any in his direction."

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" Lana was offended.

A woman and her children walked by and Wendy smiled at them before she put her attention back at Lana. "Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm being ridiculous?" Lana tapped her cigarette upon the dirt around the tree.

Wendy sighed, "Lana, let's not start."

"Dey-di!" Johnny babbled, crawling his way to Wendy.

Lana put her cigarette out on the dirt. "Fine."

Wendy stood with Johnny in arms, "I'm going to take him to see the ducks."

"Be careful." Lana warned but let Wendy go a few yards away where the small, man-made lake was.

"Always am."

Lana watched them from the blanket upon the grass and a strange feeling filled her. She knew Wendy only wanted what was best for the boy but she often acted like she was the one who had given birth to him—or at least Lana felt that way. She just disliked the way Wendy belittled her ability to mother her own child. Lana knew what she was doing, she had struggled at first but she was getting the hang of it. Wendy had to have faith in her.

Lana shook her head. "Don't be a fool…" She told herself as she watched Wendy hold the baby against her hip as she pointed out to the ducks upon the water. "She loves you."

Lana imagined Wendy signing those papers over to Jude.

"And you love her." Lana repeated in vain.