The Shotgun Approach

Chapter 7: Forgiveness

. . .

I was standing on my balcony's railing, the surface made of mortar and stone, shoulder leaned up against the edge of the building. The day was drawing to its close, the sun setting in the distance casting everything in a deep fiery orange glow.

It might have been beautiful. If it wasn't for the dark aura sitting below me, having taken up the single chair, his booted feet propped up on my tiny balcony table.

He didn't beat around the bush. Didn't pretend he was there for anything other than an interrogation.

"Who are you, Etternia?"

I folded my arms across my chest and sighed; covering up the flinch my name caused. "This again?"

"I have worked beside you for a month and you have kept yourself carefully guarded. So careful that it's suspicious."

"Perhaps I dislike the idea of you picking around in my head."

"Or you're hiding something."

I took a deep breath of the evening air. I could smell a storm far off in the distance. The water and wind called to me. I held out a hand as if I was reaching for it and then clenched it into a fist.

"Have I given you many reasons to believe I'm something of a threat? I don't fight. I work to save lives. Yet you still think I'm some secret evil."

"I do not trust what I do not know."

"My past is...complicated. Things are better left unsaid and unseen," I said.

"We all have things in the past we prefer not to speak of, but I cannot excuse it in this case."

"Because of Yusuke?"

"In part," he said, "as you are aware my job as one of the King's hands is to eliminate potential threats."

"I think Yusuke is highly capable of taking care of himself."

"He is young and stupid," Hiei said. "He makes snap judgments and often times does not use what minimal brains he has."

"You speak so highly of our ruler," I said, teasing.

"I know Yusuke. Just like I know he has grown attached to you."

"I nipped that in the bud," I said.

I leaned my head against the cool white painted stone of my building and closed my eyes. I wanted Yusuke's friendship. But I couldn't afford to have him want me, not in any capacity.

"Did you?" Hiei's tone was sardonic, as if he didn't believe me.

"He's stubborn, so he might try again. But I swear you have nothing to worry about."

"Time will tell," he rumbled, before I heard the chair push backwards.

Next thing I knew Hiei was beside me on the railing, black cloak flowing with the breeze, hands in his pockets. He turned cold eyes towards me. "Make no mistake, Etternia, if you betray us I will kill you without a second thought."

And then he was gone, flitting across the rooftops, a black blur in the waning light.

I stood on the railing for a long time, well after the moon had risen. I fingered the bottle in my pocket, a constant unfortunate sense of comfort.

I took three pills that night.

. . .

My alarm never woke me the next morning. I might as well have been comatose.

It went off for a long time, before a pounding at my door that grew increasingly louder drew me away from rest. I took my time crawling from my mattress, naked and confused, hair in a messy halo around my head.

I answered the door that way, my brain ceasing to function apparently.

Kuwabara was behind it and it was almost endearing the way his entire face went tomato red. "Cripes, put some damn clothes on!"

I looked up at him with blurry eyes and frowned. Clothes?

Kuwabara covered his eyes and pushed his way into my apartment, slamming the door behind him. He rushed by me, picking up abandoned pieces of clothing off the floor and thrusting them at me. "On, now!" he said.

I stared at the articles in my hands—a tank top and pair of shorts—and pulled them on. What was the big deal?

"Have you never seen a naked woman before?" I asked, truly curious.

"Is this a demon thing...or just because you're a paramedic that it doesn't bother you?" he asked in return.

I shrugged. "It's just skin and fat and muscle," I said. "Humans highly sexualize everything. A body is a body. If I wanted sex you'd know it."

"Th—that isn't the point! It's not proper!"

I ignored him and made my way to the kitchen, Kuwabara in tow. "Coffee?" I asked.

"It's the middle of the afternoon."

"Your point?"

"Uh, I'll take tea if you have it."

I nodded and set the kettle on the stove, the old cast iron was beat to hell but still useful. I flopped into a chair after, my brain still fuzzy and disoriented.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"I haven't seen Urameshi in a couple of days and was hoping he'd be here."

"Why would he be here?"

"I dunno...he seems to be spending a lot of time with you recently."

"Well, he's not here, as you can see." I gestured around the room with a wave of my arm.

"Are you okay, Ettie?" Kuwabara asked. "You seem...weird."

I frowned at him, wondering how much I should say and what would and wouldn't upset him. I settled on the truth. "I took a lot last night so I could sleep."

I could see in his eyes that this unsettled him but he didn't dwell on the drugs. "You have trouble sleeping?"

"Always," I replied.

The whistle on the kettle screeched and I got up to start the tea making process, when a thought occurred to me. "Has anyone seen Yusuke the past couple of days?"

"I've asked everyone I could think of before coming here. I figured you needed your rest."

The kettle went back on the stove and I strode away from him with quick steps. He called after me but I headed straight for my dresser. I pulled out more practical clothing; slipped them on. By the time I was finished my brain caught up completely.

I grabbed my bike keys. "Come on," I said. "Lets go look for him."

"You think something bad happened?"

"I'm not sure yet, but my gut is trying to tell me something."

"Sure you're just not hungry?"

I gave him an exasperated look before pushing him out the door.

We spent the day cruising around the city (Kuwabara riding on the back of my bike was a hilarity but one I couldn't indulge in) and stopping to ask if anyone might have seen the king. When we came up empty handed time and time again I grew worried.

Where the hell were you, Yusuke?

When it began to get dark Kuwabara called an emergency meeting of the King's Hands. We met Hiei and Kurama in a park not far from where we were.

Hiei gave me a pointed look the second I stepped off the bike. "This is your fault," he said.

"What the hell, Hiei? Ettie's been home all this time, how is it her fault?"

"He's suspicious of me," I said, taking my spare helmet back from Kuwabara and hanging it off the bike's handlebars.

"Still?" Kuwabara asked, incredulous. "We've known her for months."

"It was something I saw...while she was drowning."

I stiffened, my body going rigid as stone. He'd spied into my head while I was vulnerable? What could he have seen? Something that has made him wary. Something that made my veins grow cold.

"I was dying and you thought it was a good time to sift through my memories?"

He glared at the ground, face tight and stance defensive. "They were just there...as if you were trying to let them free and return them to the water."

I stared at him in disbelief. My hands itched to reach into my pocket. I kept those things to myself for a reason. I did not want to remember them myself; did not want other people privy to them either.

"What did you see?" I asked. My voice was filled with careful calm, even as I started to panic.

He opened his mouth to tell me but Kurama cut in, sliding between us with lethal grace. "Perhaps this is a conversation for another time," he said, smile benign, trying to defuse the situation.

"Yes..." I said, "perhaps you're right."

There was a too long bout of silence after that. One that was uncomfortable and awkward. Kuwabara broke it and I could have kissed his feet. "Any trace of him in demon world?"

"He hasn't been to Tourin," said Hiei. "I spoke to the monks."

"I asked in other places he frequents there, but was cut short in my search. Avoiding the other members of the demon world government would be best, for now."

"There is...one last thing we can try," I said, hands shaking. I had not done this in a very long time.

"What else is there? He obviously doesn't want to be found," said Hiei.

Yusuke was capable of taking care of himself, I knew that. But my stomach still twisted in unpleasant waves. Something wasn't right. I doubted Yusuke would just run off...

"Let me search...the earth," I said.

"What?" asked Kuwabara, his brow so furrowed in confusion his eyebrows almost touched.

"It is a gift of greatest magnitude and can't be taken lightly," I said. "Everyone is connected to the earth and those with spiritual energy even more so."

"I still don't understand."

No, I supposed they wouldn't. Even Kurama's gaze was quizzical. It was best to just show them.

"Watch," I murmured.

I knelt in the grass, running my hands over the blades, breathing in the scent of green and growing things. I closed my eyes and delved deep inside—to my core. I pulled until one power alone ruled over all the rest. This shift was always painful and I felt tears leak out from my closed lids before I could even think to stop them. I choked out a sob, the world falling away.

I dug my fingers as deep into the earth as they would go. The touch of cool dirt and life sent electric shocks through my hands and feet and arms. Earth took over.

In my mind's eye I watched a network of beautiful colors merge and connect and cross over each other. Lines of power and life. So many colors; too many to name. But it was picking out that specific one that was the hardest.

I searched for a long time, growing desperate when I parted thread after thread of power and did not find that one that should shine just a little brighter than the rest—electric blue and red twined into one.

It should not be this hard to find, even if he was suppressing his energy.

The search began to take it's toll on my body. I could feel my core starting to overheat and soon another power would rise to settle the balance. I could never use just one of them for long.

It was at the last second that I dared keep the power active that I found him. But the colors were muted...weak.

He was in trouble.

I pulled back abruptly, severing the connection to the earth. Lights burst behind my eyes. It made me cry out, pain searing across my senses. But I didn't have time for the slow separation it usually required. And if held too long the earth would try and call me back to it much sooner than I was ready.

"He's in Roppongi and he's in trouble," I said in a rush.

"Roppongi?! Why the hell is he all the way in Tokyo?!"

I ran back to my bike, shouting an "I don't know!" behind me. Kuwabara was hot on my heels, just barely shoving on his helmet and jumping on the back of the bike. I didn't even wait to make sure he was holding on before I was ripping out of the park's parking area.

Roppongi was far from Sarayashiki. I pushed the motorcycle as fast as it would go, Kuwabara's arms wrapped so tight around me I was afraid he'd squeeze me to death. I could hear him screeching through his helmet, but I continued to weave in and out of traffic like a maniac.

Kurama followed in his car, fast reflexes helping him keep pace with me even when we hit heavy highway traffic.

And of course Hiei stayed on foot, jumping across rooftops. He made sure not to gain too much distance ahead, because even if he reached Roppongi first he wouldn't have a clue where Yusuke was.

It felt like ages before we pulled into the city.

It didn't take long to reach the district after that—the place lit up like a firework and so loud it hurt my ears.

When I parked the bike, Kuwabara got off and kissed the ground, moaning that he was going to be sick. I grabbed him by the back of his shirt and tugged him along. Yusuke's energy lines lead to the last place I'd expected.

As a group we stalled outside, staring up at the giant neon sign and cringing. "A nightclub?"

"I thought you said he was in trouble?" asked Kuwabara.

"His energy signature was muffled, as if I saw it through frosted glass," I replied.

I'd assumed it meant he was weakened. But now I had a horrible sinking suspicion that it was something entirely different, but not much better. Something I was all too familiar with.

The bouncer lets us into the club without so much as a glance at ID. My instant reaction was to turn back around. It was far too loud, far too bright, while somehow managing to be dark at the same time. The strobe lights burned my eyes and the music was too electronic for me to enjoy.

I couldn't even hear myself think in this place. And it seemed my companions had much the same sentiments.

I figured we'd spend an endless amount of time searching for Yusuke, but he was the first thing my eyes strayed to. And in that moment he struck me as...beautiful, in an unconventional sense. He was smiling, a grin so wide it tore my heart to shreds.

Yusuke was dancing, the center of attention, the king of demon world. And many must have recognized him here, the place was packed with humans and demons alike. But Yusuke didn't seem to care. He remained pressed against his dance partner, not giving one single shit.

"Is that a dude?" I heard Kuwabara say over the din.

"Who cares," growled Hiei.

"Did he come here to seek company?" wondered Kurama.

"That...and something else," I said. Yusuke was obviously drunk, near black out, but there was more to it than that. Simply being drunk wouldn't make his lines so muted.

"He's on something...isn't he?" Kuwabara was the first to notice, his face so carefully blank that I knew he couldn't process what he was seeing, not really.

"A downer of some type most likely, one that inhibits his emotions but doesn't sedate," I replied. "It's part of the reason his lines are so dim."

"His lines?"

"I'll explain later," I said. "Right now we should get him out of here."

But I was grabbed the second I tried and I looked up to see Hiei glaring down his nose at me. "Explain now," he snarled.

I looked back to Yusuke and then sighed in resignation. I gave them the rundown of how I managed to track him here, how I could sense the lifelines energy created within the earth. And that certain things can cause those lines to fluctuate and even become severed.

"He's high on something and that's caused a reaction within his body. I know it's a downer because something like cocaine or ecstasy would make the colors more vibrant, not muted."

"Stuff like that messes with spirit energy too?" asked Kuwabara.

"Of course it can. Anything you put in your body can have positive or negative effects on your health, why would reiki be any different? It's a part of you, just like the rest."

"And it's no different for demons, we just have a higher tolerance," added Kurama.

"You caused this," said Hiei, the look in his eyes enough to burn.

I knew I was partly to blame. I did know that. Yusuke ran off because of me. But that didn't mean I took kindly to Hiei's words. So I just shook him off and waded through the crowd, snaking between sweaty bodies and moving as if I belonged in this place.

I cut in smoothly between Yusuke and his partner while the king's back was turned. The man gave him up graciously, bowing me in, and I cast him a wane smile. I pressed my hands to Yusuke's sides and melted into his movements, swaying to the beat. He was so gone he didn't even notice that the hands at his waist were much smaller, that the body moving behind him was at least a head shorter than he was.

When he did finally turn, his mind didn't register what his eyes were seeing for a good solid thirty seconds.

"Ettie?" he asked, all movements grinding to a sudden halt.

I stopped with him and stared up into glassy eyes with pupils too large. The room melted away. The sounds drowned out by the sudden rush of blood in my ears.

"Am I fucking seeing things?" he asked when I didn't say anything.

I shook my head, "Let me take you home so you can sleep this off."

"Now you want to take me home?" he said, tone bitter. "I think I'm happier here."

I was angry now. Angry because Yusuke was being unreasonable. And angry at myself for letting it get this far. I knew he was drunk and on some sort of depressant and couldn't think straight. It didn't make my words any less biting, "You're acting like a child that's been denied a toy."

His face fell, the words hitting right where I hoped they would. He slumped, draping his body over my shoulders. Holding him was awkward given my height and his lean muscle weighed more than it looked, but I managed.

"You're right," he mumbled in my ear. "I'm doing something stupid."

It was more than that, except I could not admonish him further. What was done was done. And I was certainly not a saint.

"Come on." I helped him walk off the dance floor and towards his friends.

When we reached them, Kuwabara took him from me and slung him up into his arms. Yusuke rested his head on the man's shoulder and murmured something about him smelling good, in which Kuwabara blushed beet red.

"Sh-shut up, Urameshi," he mumbled.

I went to leave with them, watching as Kuwabara carried Yusuke out of the club, but an arm shot out to stop me. Walk any further and I would have been close-lined.

"You've done enough for one night," Hiei hissed.

I stared at him in disbelief. "I didn't do anything."

"You're the whole reason he was here in the first place."

My mouth snapped shut. I couldn't deny that. I just didn't understand how my rejection could push Yusuke to that point. "Explain it to me, please," I begged.

Hiei's eyes are cold, colder than the ice I could create. So cold they burned. "You are naive and foolish. He is the reigning King of demon world. He is working towards a goal none others before him have—unification with the humans."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"Everything. He has the weight of three worlds on his shoulders. And you were the straw that broke his back."

He left me then, flitting through the club like a shadow. And all I could do was stand in a sea of people...and stare at nothing.

I was the straw that broke the king's back, he said.

How laughable. And cruel.

. . .

The bombings came to a lull after the festival. I assumed it was so the people behind it could regroup and come up with a new strategy, one that would not be interrupted by team Urameshi.

Weeks went by. Monotonous weeks where I made ambulance runs and did mundane things—talked a person off their meds down until I can strap them to a stretcher, checked over people who'd been in minor accidents, gave CPR to a kid that forgot how to swim at the community pool.

I was high through it all. It was better to be numb.

But my crew began to notice the change. I was taking too much and had stopped caring. It was Shou that said something first. I played it off as stress.

He didn't believe me.

Next it was Eric, but he didn't even get as far as Shou before I shut him down.

Momo was a little more persistent. She bugged me for days on end until I nearly exploded and gave myself away.

Eventually I told my crew I was going to use some of my vacation time and take a few days off. That I wasn't feeling well. They were shocked, as to be expected, because I never took time off unless it was vital and unavoidable.

I knew they were worried for me. Except there was no explanation I could willingly give.

I finished out my shift that day and went home, not even remembering the ride. I sensed an energy that had grown familiar in my building, waiting for me I knew. A week ago I might have been relieved. Now, I just wanted to be left alone.

I trudged up the steps to my apartment door with heavy feet, like I was stepping through wet cement. I knew I couldn't avoid this, so stalling was foolish, but I couldn't help dragging it out.

As I crested the top of the stairs I found Yusuke sitting in front of my door. He sprang up when he saw me, words on the tip of his tongue that I silenced when I brushed past him. I unlocked my door with nimble fingers and meant to close it quickly behind me, but he jammed his foot in at the last second.

"Can I at least explain myself?!"

I held firm on the other side of the door, slowly icing over the crack. Soon enough his foot would get stuck and he'd have no choice but to rip it out.

"Ettie, please!"

"Why are you begging?" It was a genuine question. The urgency in his voice stopped my hurried attempts at blocking him out, but I was not sure so sure if that was his intent.

His foot is pulled from the door just before my ice might have reached it. Because I'm pushing against the other side it slammed closed, shards of ice shattering like glass. I waited, knowing he was still outside, back against the door. I heard him slide down it just before he started to speak.

"I never wanted to be king," he began, "but when the time did come I thought I was ready. I was...an idiot."

I slid down the door too, so we were back to back, just a thin bit of wood between us. "It has become too much pressure."

"It's not that I can't handle it. I've got some awesome support on my side; people who really believe in what I'm trying to do. Just lately..."

I stood and opened the door. He fell in backwards and stared up at me with wide eyes. Eyes that always seemed to have some kind of preternatural light in them.

"Hi," he said.

I just looked down at him with a raised eyebrow. "I am not the person you should be talking to about this. It would make me a hypocrite."

I couldn't rightly tell him what he'd done was wrong...when I lived a far worse scenario everyday. Yusuke went on a two day bender. It could happen to anyone if emotions became too heightened or out of control. But for me...

The bender never ended.

"I just wanted to forget...take a vacation."

"You can't take a vacation from life, Yusuke. Don't be naive."

He sighed, rubbing his hands down his face. "Maybe I'm not cut out for politics."

"Well, that's obvious," I said. "That's why you let the people with brains handle the more political aspects of your job."

"Hey! Are you calling me stupid?" But a smile curled his lips and I knew he wasn't truly offended.

I quirked my lips up too, running my tongue over my chipped tooth. "Not stupid, just not built for this sort of thing."

I offered him a hand up and he took it. "It wasn't because of you, ya know," he said, voice soft, eyes averted as if embarrassed.

I knew he was lying. His grip on my hand lingered just a little too long. "Of course not. A lowly creature such as myself could never affect the emotions of the king."

Yusuke took a good look at me then—at the haggardness of my appearance, how the lines of my face seemed to stick out in stark contrast when they hadn't before; the way my eyes have sunken in. My hair—normally framing my face in tiny braids woven among the rest—is dull and knotted.

"You're not doing well...are you?"

I had no reply that would satisfy him. So my smile fell away, revealing how truly tired I was.

He asked no more questions that night, or the nights after it.

But Urameshi Yusuke stayed. He stayed when none other would have. Because without work to occupy at least part of my mind, I kept myself in a state of near oblivion. I didn't remember most of those three days.

What I could recall...were Yusuke's gentle hands as he removed each braid from my hair. He helped me wash it over the kitchen sink and when it was dry he braided it anew. Just this simple action made me feel even the most minute amount better.

Forgive me, Yusuke.

Forgive me for my transgressions and all those that would come in the future.

And forgive me for feeling the way I did...

Because I would only break us both in the end.

. . .

A/N: I didn't get a lot of response last chapter, but I really would love to hear from you guys! Who are you rooting for Ettie to end up with? Yusuke? Hiei? BOTH OF THEM?

And any hints as to why Ettie is so secretive about her life?

Lets hear your thoughts!