November 12th, 1995
Gallahad Gazette
HOGWARTS IN CHAOS!
Disrespect. Traditions Broken. Anarchy in the Classroom. How One Year and One Weak Headmaster Brought Down Merlin's House
By Rita Skeeter
Even those lesser members of our society know the quotes and claims. Of how Hogwarts is the greatest Trainer School in all the world. Daggertooth might be one of the oldest, as those that attend that academy are fond of repeating (related: Daggertooth Remains Leaderless After Being Made Lanceless), and Beauxbaton boasts of the most beautiful campus (related: Are the Veelas of Kalos Turning Exchange Students Into Lesbians and Why Do Many Men Not Care?). Much has been made of Opelucid Academy's modern classrooms (related: The Cost of Higher Education- Ocelucid to Sell Children Into Slave Labor to Cover Debts?) while Kula ma ka mokupuni nui of Alola is the only school where the students have classes on the beach (related: Sharpedo Attack! What is the Alolan Government Hiding?). But it is Hogwarts who produces the greatest trainers in all the known world. A mixture of age with a touch of the modern world, and while only fools would attempt to surf Black Lake the snowy lakescapes have a beauty rare to find in this world. This place of learning is the envy of all the other regions and the pride and joy of Avalon.
Or so it once was.
Now Hogwarts finds itself an international laughingstock, where students run wild and the teachers are either incompetent or lazy. And all of this can be laid at the feet of one Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.
When Prof. Dumbledore was first made the Headmaster of Hogwarts it seemed an intelligent, if safe, selection. Known not just as a world-class trainer with dual Masteries in Pokémon Care and Potion Making (related: Where is Dumbledore's Diploma? All Masteries Nothing But Lies?!) but also a war hero who, if claims and legends are to be believed, defeated Gellert Grindelwald (related: The Greatest False Flag Known to Man). Hailed as national treasure it only made sense for Dumbledore to take over for Headmaster Armando Dippet (see: Armando Dippet- Master or Moron?). But while at one point Dumbledore may have been a skilled trainer and teacher the last few years have proven that his once bright star as collapsed into a black hole that threatens to consume all of Hogwarts.
After the defeat of Lord Voldemort and his Team Nocturne (related: 'Dead is Dead' says Minister Fudge on Voldemort Lies) Dumbledore returned to running Hogwarts but it soon became clear that the old man had lost his touch. The hiring and retaining of several odd selections for professor positions only proved this. Severus Snape, the adopted brother of The Lady-Who-Won Lily Potter (related: Incest is Bestest: The Secret Loves of Lily Potter; related: The Boy Who Was a Snape? What Lily Potter Hid From James), a man barely out of Hogwarts himself. Sybill Trelawney, a washed-up so called 'seerer' known more for her addiction to sherry than her accurate uses of mind magic (related: Cold Reading And You). The BINNIS Program, which has been boring students for decades (related: Alt-Ctrl-ZZZZ- A History of the Binnis Failure). But it was the arrival of one Harry James Potter that saw the school truly fall upon hard times and arrive at the point we are at today.
In early 1992 a series of attacks against the likes of Pansy Parkinson (related: Patrick Parkinson Missing!) and Draco Malfoy (related: The Man of the Year- Why Lucius Malfoy is the Hero We Need) nearly resulted in Hogwarts being shut down. Though the culprit was never revealed many have come to believe that the Zygarde responsible was released accidently by one Hermione Granger, who did so in a bad bid to win the love of young Mr. Malfoy who has spurned her advances. It was only because of her relationship with Potter, who Mr. Malfoy himself was quick to confirm had lusted after Granger, that saw her not sent to Sevii Island for her crimes. Dumbledore, clearly fearing the power of Potter's name and fame, allowed the near-murdereress to get away with her schemes without even a slap on the wrist.
The next year though would see Sevii Island and its degenerate master, Sirius Black, arrive at Hogwarts (related:' Lord Black Impregnated Me and my Houndour!'). Black, an already weak and ineffective warden of our world's most well known prison (related: From Dungeon to Sex Dungeon- How Sirius Black turned Sevii Into His Pleasure House) allowed his degenerate and deranged brother, the believed-dead Regulus Black, to gain control of the Sevii Dusknoirs and send them on two attacks against Le Fay's Landing (related: Lord Malfoy Prevents Dusknoir Disaster!) and Hogwarts itself. While Regulus Black was captured all reports from Hogwarts state that Dumbledore was busy in his private rooms while the attack took place, leading those in the know to wonder how the Headmaster can be expected to protect Hogwarts when he was too busy with private matters (related: Top Ten Signs Your Loved One is a Chronic Masturbator).
The national disgrace that was the Grand Trainer Tournament has been well covered in articles, holocasts, and in the upcoming book 'Grand Trainer Tragedy' (related: beloved reporter and columnist Rita Skeeter to publish book on the Grand Trainer Tournament) that repeating all the mistakes and errors, from inviting a known terrorist to Avalon to the death of a young Veela who was only resurrected thanks to blood magic, need not be repeated here. What must be said is that at the end of the tournament there were many who wondered if Hogwarts could fall any lower (related: Opinion- Hogwarts Can't Fall Any Lower by Rita Skeeter).
But this current school year has proven that Hogwart's reputation could sink even farther.
Dumbledore's tenure has seen the most Battle Class Instructors turnover in school history and this year the man meant to guide our children to excellence is the rather infamous Brock Slate, a professor who has challenged Snape for the title of youngest professor to teach at Hogwarts. Worse, Slate is well known for his lustful libido, with entire websites dedicated to the women he has attempted to woo. Thankfully it appears that our new 'instructor', a personal friend of the disreputable Misty Waterflower (related: The Secret Photos Misty Waterflower DOESN'T Want You To See!) and the notorious Ash Ketchem (related: Ash Ketchem- Cunning Threat Or Moronic Menace?), has a taste for wrinkles and liver spots rather than young nubile students but how long before his leering eyes towards our young (related: Why Does Brock Slate Squint? The Dark Secret He's Hiding!)?
And now there are reports that Harry Potter, who as readers will remember has been seduced by the 'Whore Of Johto' Jasmine Kenway and trained by the mass murdered and Wooloo-Fornicator Jack Kenway (related: The Fall of Little Surrey, A Modern Tragedy), has begun using Hogwarts to recruit his own terrorist organization to overthrow Avalon and install Kenway as its emperor! One of Mr. Potter's housemates, Cormac McLaggen, exclusively informed this reporter of how Mr. Potter had sought to convert strong, lawful Gryffindors, Hufflepulls, Sytherins, and Ravenclaws into sleeper agents that will slaughter their parents before enforcing Johto-Law upon good honest Avalonians (related: How To Spot a Johto Sleeper Agent)! The only saving grace, according to Mr. McLaggen, was that Mr. Potter mocked and shamed well known assaulter of ear drums Dolores Umbridge in front of the whole school, proving that even the worst of us can have a sliver of common decency (related: Dolores Umbridge- The Terror Wore Pink).
People of Avalon, how long will we allowed the likes of Dumbledore to run Hogwarts into the ground? How long will we allowed mind-controlled youths to create terrorist training grounds in our schools? When will the people rise up and demand change?
(continued on Page 2)
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November 13th, 1995
Gallahad Journal
Gallahad Gazette Columnist Rita Skeeter Target of Paint Bomber!
'It was just everywhere!' one witness proclaims
By Adam Douglas
Rita Skeeter, the popular writer of the Gallahad Gazette's 'Rita's Take' columns, was the target of a paint bomb attack yesterday afternoon. The reporter, out at lunch while working on her next article, received a package from a Delibird that she quickly signed for, believing it to be a gift from a fan. But the 'gift' turned out to be a specially designed paint bomb that coated Miss. Skeeter in a gallon of pressurized permanent blue paint.
The pigment, normally used at high-end bouquets to deal with shoplifters, is notorious for being near impossible to remove from the skin. Miss Skeeter was coated with the chemicals, it even leaking through her clothing. She was rushed to St. Mungos but the doctors stated there was little they could do.
"Miss Skeeter will just need to wait for the paint to fade," said Doctor Elias Steward, who later denied that he hadn't done all he could for Miss Skeeter and in fact that given her an unneeded enema as revenge for an article she penned 2 months ago questioning Dr. Bradbury's education. When further questioned Dr. Steward merely stated, "What? I put the straightjacket on her first BEFORE giving the enema!"
Witnesses on the scene report that seconds after the paint had finished striking Miss Skeeter a recording declared 'Love from the Marauders and the Pack, Bitch'. Due to the package self destructing once its payload had been delivered these claims could not be proven.
This Story Is Developing…
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Teen Trainer Monthly
December Edition (Released November 20th, 1995)
Harry Potter, The Boy-Who-Got-Totes-Hawt!
by Becky L.
For all ya'll lovelorn ladies out there we have a treat this month! Harry Potter, the son of national heroine (and idol of this reporter and many on the staff of Teen Trainer Monthly) Lily Potter, was spotted earlier this month in Le Fay's Landing and as these pictures prove his training with the Johto Gauntlet Team has taken him from small and scrawny to hot and ready!
Harry, wearing a custom made Rosewood Co. jacket, Rainer Jeans, and a killer pair of Ares Sneaks, was spending the day with his friends and making all the girls swoon, as this reporter was when she saw these pics!
Last month we discussed the rumors that fitness gurus in Johto had figured out how to combine that region's favored Martial Workout with Veela Allure Spells to create a program to transform anyone into drop dead gorgeous in a few months. With the likes of the Dilf Of Johto Jack Kenway, Elite 4 Member Jonas Kenway, and the stately and sexy Lance Blackthorn this appeared potentially true but Harry has erased all doubt! And it seems to be rubbing off on his friends! As seen with these before-and-after pics all of Harry's close friends have leveled up in hotness and this reporter knows that she's scheduling a vacation to Johto next summer to bag herself a killer bod… and a new boi as well!
~MC~MC~MC~
The Goldenrod Sentinel
Brothers-In-Arms
An exclusive interview with the co-headmasters of Olivine Pointe: Jack Kenway and Lance Blackthorn
By Rachel Graves
While we'd just gotten the first hints that winter was on its way inside the newly furnished office of Headmaster Lance Blackthorn it truly felt as if Olivine Pointe was going through its second Spring. Already in a modern renaissance thanks to the work of Headmaster Jack Kenway, the hiring of Prof. Blackthorn had only seen Olivine Pointe's future look all the brighter. The office felt more like a study than the lair of a school official, certainly much different from when I'd gone to Olivine Pointe, but I knew that such casualness had already begun in the school with Prof. Kenway's tenure. While Rogue's End would remain his home Olivine Pointe and the headmaster's family living quarters were designed to be welcoming and inviting to all and this desire had slowly permeated all aspects of the school, something Prof. Blackthorn clearly agreed with as he greeted me and led me to a comfy arm chair, him sharing a firm yet cushy couch with his co-headmaster Prof. Kenway, the latter's constantly companion Mumik close by.
Rachel Graves: Prof. Blackthorn, Father, thank you for having me.
Lance Blackthorn: Thanks for coming.
Jack Kenway: Please, just call me Jack.
RG: I'll try but honestly it feels like sacrilege to be so informal with you
LB: Careful. He doesn't need a bigger head than he already has.
JK: One to talk o' 'Master of All Dragons'.
LB: That is a title passed down through my family! That doesn't count.
JK: (laughter) How convenient!
RG: That actually leads me to my first question. When The Fa- when Jack became headmaster of Olivine Pointe it was as a conquering hero. The man that delivered independence. But you, Lance, came in as headmaster as the face of the opposition. Has that been difficult for you.
LB: Well-
JK: Hold up. I want to make something clear... the war was never Me vs. Lance, despite what people might thing. It was Johto vs. Kanto. And if I'm forced to put a face on each side it was me vs. Koga. Lance wasn't the one that killed my aunt and uncle. He didn't make orphans out of so many children, widows and widowers out of so many adults. He chose his side, yes, but he wasn't a monster.
LB: Jack, I can defend myself. (Pause) Sorry, but we're... kind of protective of each other. Anyway, me being headmaster... yeah, it was hard at first. I got quite a few dark stares. Still do, to be honest. I lost a lot of trust with Johto when I sided with Kanto. But I think you just saw the biggest thing that has helped ensure that things have gone far smoother than one might have expected. (gesture towards Jack)
JK: So when I'm getting praised being the Father of Johto is a bad thing but when it benefits you...
LB: Of course!
(both laugh)
LB: Seriously, if I had just tried to come in on my own I would have been eaten alive. Half the staff fought in the war and the other half remember me as a kid who got in trouble with this idiot here (nudges Jack). The latter I need to win the respect from and that would happen no matter what I did before being headmaster but the former? The former were ready to string me up if it weren't for Jack. And I appreciate that.
RG: Is Olivine Pointe different from Daggertooth?
LB: Yeah.
JK: Didn't even need to think about that one?
LB: not in the slightest. The thing that everyone forgets is that while I led the war effort for Kanto I'm not from Kanto. The same prejudices that started the war, that the people of Johto are backwards and savages and far too emotional, plagued me in my time at Daggertooth. The students loved me, I want to make that clear... they had nothing but respect for me because they saw all I did to make the school better.
JK: We've actually gotten a few transfer students from Daggertooth this year.
LB: But it was the school board and the media I had to battle with often. Any suggestion that we change things was met with scorn at best and accusations that I was trying to destroy traditions at worst. I got the position at Daggertooth because Kanto knew they couldn't shove me aside after the war and I was done with the Elite 4; I wasn't in the mood to fix that mess. So they set me up there but I realized very quickly that they were looking for a way to cast me out.
RG: But it has been better here?
JK: Well, I have threatened to fire him.
LB: I beat him at Mario Kart last week.
JK: Blue shell using bastard...
LB: But yes, it has been a lot better here. Jack had already begun to change things in Olivine and they are used to his methods and madness. I'm just a saner version of him.
JK: I'm not crazy... I'm just ahead of the curve.
RG: That leads me to my next question. So why you came to Olivine Pointe is clear, Lance. Daggertooth unfairly terminated your employment and you graduated from the Pointe. But my question is to you, Jack... why did you bring Lance in?
JK: It isn't merely because he is my friend, if that is what you are wondering. I'm not like some regions where they hand out favors to blood and friends. Lance is the best man for the job and that's why I selected him.
RG: That wasn't what I was getting at, actually. You have been doing rather well as Headmaster... why bring in Lance to work with you?
JK: Ah, that makes more sense. Sorry about that. (pause) When I took over as Headmaster I was looking to escape what happened in the war and, frankly, how people were looking to me.
RG: Your famous 'Freedom from Tyranny' speech to the Gym Leader's Council.
JK: Exactly. I fought to free Johto and there were some that wanted me to take that freedom away. Don't get me wrong, I'm humbled that people wanted me to be king-
LB: Wanted? They still do, Jack. If you asked for the crown the Elite 4 would simply bring up the coronation they have filed away.
JK:-anyway, I took the job as Headmaster as it allowed me to have some stability and to get out of the public eye, even if just during school hours. I also wanted to have a reason to stay rooted in place, for Jasmine and for Clair. I wasn't fair to Clair when we got married... I wanted to travel and see the world and while she did too she had responsibilities with the Blackthorn Gym. Hadn't trained a replacement yet. And then I adopted Jasmine and was instantly off to fight right a way... I regret those 2 years that we lost out on. After the war so many places wanted to see me, to honor me… I'd have spent those years traveling if I gave in. Being Headmaster of Olivine Pointe forced me to stay put, to give her a stable home.
RG: But now things are different? I know that your daughter moved out in September...
LB: Big baby sobbed the entire time.
JK: Shut up.
LB: (laughter)
JK: But yes, Jasmine is running her gym now and Clair has stand-ins for the gym. So we can travel again. Besides, I have a lot of projects in the pipeline. My fossil Pokémon preserve-
LB: (humming the theme to Jurassic Park)
JK: Again, shut up. The historians for the Elite 4 have been begging me to set down my account of the war for ages and as loathed as I am to remember those times I know it needs to be done. There are also some sightings of rumored Pokémon I'd love to investigate. Even with the travel restrictions in place there are places in Johto alone I can investigate... plus I have ideas for Olivine Pointe too. Ways to renovate and modernize but I need to make sure I'm not pushing to far or too hard. Lance acts as a way to slow me down and make me think.
RG: There are some in the international media that claim that you need Lance to break the travel agreement and enter Avalon. That you are used Lance to attack Little Surrey.
LB: If Jack had done that I'd be the first one to drag him to the International Courts. I think I've made that clear to the world.
RG: Apologizes.
JK: It's okay. Only saying what others are thinking. As for Avalon, that is something else I'm dealing with, but not in the way some people think. I am working to help that region out, to provide aid to those that need it, providing support for the refugees that are fleeing there before war truly breaks out-
LB: I've also been helping with that. My time with the Kanto Elite 4 has helped me understand how bad the red tape can get.
RG: There are reports that you've had a hand in the deaths of some alleged Team Nocturne Agents in recent months...
JK: I swear on Jasmine's life I have not killed a single Team Nocturne agent since that battle in Little Haggleton.
LB: I swear the same. (pause) Look, people want to believe that Jack is some monster waging a one-man war against Avalon. That isn't the case. Do we both disagree with how the current Prime Minister is handling things? Of course. But Jack isn't rushing out to take on everyone in that country alone.
RG: Fair enough. Now, you recently held another round of lectures before the school year. I'd like to ask you about one of the guests.
LB: Shoot
(continued on page 5)
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The Quibbler
"Anyone Looking To Buy An Endtable? I Have One I Don't Need..."
Avalon Infested With Nocturne Agents!
(Where Is John Goodman When You Need Him?)
By Xeno "I'm Just A Love Machine And I Won't Work For Nobody But You" Lovegood
Much like how Beatle Mania swept across Unova in the 1950s we in Avalon face an invasion of our own. And just like the Beatles their intentions are sinister.
No one is quite sure how they got here (though the editor of this paper believes someone left breadcrumbs on the floor and they scurried in) but Nocturne Agents have been spotted all about Avalon, doing Nocturney-things. These include, but aren't limited to, keeping Pokelantis off the maps, keeping the martians under wraps, holding back the electric car, and making Steve Guttenberg a star. Nocturne Agents have been identified by their poor fashion sense, arrogant attitudes, and their need to compensate for something (and by that this paper means their tiny micropenises). If spotted Avalonians are asked not to feed them, especially after midnight.
How Nocturne Agents have spread so greatly is unknown, as it is well documented that their Queen, Lord Voldemort, lacks genitals as reported by Lord Harry James Potter at the Grand Trainer Tournament.
Thankfully for Avalon it seems that a group of heroic pest exterminators have been working to eliminate their nests and spray houses for the vermin. In recent months noted Ministry Executioner and Pickle Fetishist Walden McNair was peacefully and humanely put down via vicious stabbing and immolation. And while it is believed that he fled Avalon The Quibbler has exclusively learned that Patrick Parkinson was turned into a Joltick, placed in a box, which was placed in another box, mailed to one Dolores Umbridge, who then smashed it with a hammer.
Reaction has been mixed to the dealing with these pests, as this reporter found by interviewing ordinary people throughout our region.
"I guess it's good," one woman who aspired to go to law school told this reporter. "I mean, McNair was a horrible tipper. Now would you like a lap dance or not, Mr. Lovegood?"
"I don't like the idea of people coming in and killing innocent Avalonians," said one man who tragically was unable to finished his interview before he was hit over the head with a reporter's tape recorder.
"My name is Barry Allen and I am the fastest man alive," was the response of one man who was sadly trapped in this reporter's television.
"Oh, is it my turn?" one Luna Lovegood told this reporter. "Ahem... YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE! AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!" She then added, "Did you enjoy the strip club I recommended? Did Candi like the muffins I sent her?"
Whatever the case may be we at The Quibbler will continue to update on this story until it is either settled or someone posts a cute video of a baby sneezing.
Click Here to read about Steve Guttenberg and The Beatles' plot to write their names on the moon
Click Here to read about people you've never met who are upset about something you've never heard about
Lick-ca Ere-ha o-ta ead-ra his-ta tory-sa in-a ig-pa atin-la
~MC~MC~MC~
Author's Notes: Welcome to the chapter that half of you will hate!
This was a fun one to do as it let me explore things away from the cast and show just how different parts of the world are handling what Harry, his friends, and the Pack have done.
For those curious about Alola's school they weren't part of the Grand Trainer Tournament in-story due to Avalon snobbery and out of story because we didn't have an Alola when I began writing Grand Trainer Tournament.
I love the fact that in this universe even RITA doesn't like Umbridge. Just makes me smile.
And Luna sends muffins to stirppers. That's a thing.