Dignity or Love (An Arwen Story)
A/N: I always thought Gwen should have made Arthur work just a tad harder for her love when he broke up with her in S4x05. This is just a little take on what I would have liked to see.
The warmth in the small house was dissipating due to the dying fire in the hearth but Gwen hardly noticed. Her mind was too clouded with the words Arthur had said to her earlier during his visit. She was so happy to see him as his visits were sporadic and unplanned. They had to be extremely careful to ensure that no one saw him as their relationship was still looked upon as unconventional. She recalls how her brain immediately went to what she had in the cupboard to prepare some food for him as she had done many times before. Only he didn't want food because he only came to tell her that he couldn't see her anymore.
Those were the last words she expected to hear from Arthur Pendragon. She thought they were on an eventual path to be the King and Queen of Camelot. She was willing to be patient. She had been patient so for him to come to her and tell her she wasn't 'appropriate' just about broke her heart in two. She knew who was behind it all…..Agravaine, Arthur's know-it-all uncle. He put doubts into Arthur's heart, the words in his mouth and it pained Gwen to no end to think that Arthur was still so unsure of their love, unsure of his place and authority.
She vowed that she had spent all of her tears but she could feel the sting as fresh moisture welled up once again and traveled across her face. She pulled the blankets closer to her chin, closed her eyes and hoped for sleep to overtake her.
The next morning she awoke as usual, thinking positively. It was a new day and she looked forward to going to the castle and…..The memory of last night came flooding back along with the despair she felt throughout the night. The sadness fights to overwhelm her but she cannot give in to it. Not like she did before. She has to regain her composure, her dignity and face the day like she would any other. She shivers as her eyes land on the dark, lifeless hearth. A roaring fire and a warm breakfast would be just the start she needs. That and avoiding Arthur Pendragon at all costs.
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Curiosity got the best of her as she stands within the castle on an upper floor looking out at the square below where Arthur, Merlin, and the knights of Camelot were preparing for another mission. She tried her best to ignore the talk amongst the servants but the castle was buzzing with the news. King Arthur and the knights were riding off to face Queen Annis of Caerleon and her impressive army. This war was in answer to Arthur's decision to kill her husband and King.
Gwen cannot quell her disappointment in hearing that Arthur had to kill someone but she also knows the choice did not come lightly. Although there is a slight question of whether Agravaine influenced this decision as he has others. A shuffle to her right has Gwen gasping in fright as Gaius steps toward her.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. I thought you heard my approach," Gaius relays.
"I apologize. I'm afraid I was too deep in thought to hear anything," Gwen replies.
Gaius nods as he follows her gaze out of the window. "Don't worry Gwen. He'll return."
"I've no doubt. I just….." She shakes her head. "Never mind."
"You can speak freely with me."
"I feel….this time is different. He's king now and everything rests on his shoulders," Gwen states.
"He doesn't have to bear that burden alone. You know that as well as any other," Gaius says.
A soft sigh leaves Gwen as she answers, "I do know that but I fear he doesn't."
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Arthur is beyond relieved that he was able to diffuse the dissension between Camelot and Caerleon. He defeated Derian, Queen Annis's champion, by some unknown strength. He thought for sure he had breathed his last when facing the giant of a man but it was not his time to perish. The fight brought so much into perspective and the one person he could not cease thinking of was Guinevere. He couldn't wait to see her again, to apologize for his actions before. He knows now he was misinformed and their love is the only thing that matters.
He looks to his side, still annoyed with his servant and his interference in his negotiations with Queen Annis. He sighs as he knows Merlin means well but he wishes he would learn his place. "Merlin, look there." Arthur points toward a small patch of lavender flowers off the road. "Grab some of those for me would you?"
Merlin frowns. "For you? Your room not pretty enough or fragrant enough?"
Arthur decides not to respond. He simply projects a certain look, commanding that his bidding be carried out. He takes a breath of relief as Merlin responds and leaps from his mount to gather the flowers as directed.
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A knock at the door has Arthur calling out, "Come."
Gwen enters the room, carrying a pitcher of water as Merlin instructed her. She wanted to refuse him but knew she could not continue to avoid Arthur. "Good morning, sire."
"Ah, Guinevere, good morning," Arthur greets as he grabs the small bunch of flowers from his bedside and approaches the woman he loves. "These are for you."
Gwen sets the pitcher aside and reluctantly accepts the flowers. "Thank you….I think but I don't know what they're for."
Arthur clears his throat. "They're to say I'm sorry."
She shakes her head. "There's no need to apologize. I understand why things have to be the way they are."
"I listened to you the other night and you're right. A good king should be true to himself and do as he sees fit."
She gives a slight nod, knowing she will accept his apology but realizing she would be remiss if she didn't relay to him how his lapse in judgment made her feel. "I'm glad you heard me Arthur and I accept your apology but I need you to know something. I need you to know how much you wounded me with your words. Are you still so unsure of our feelings for each other?"
He steps back, wanting to get a better look at her. "I'm not unsure. It was one moment of uncertainty and I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
"How can I be sure?"
"Are you calling my trustworthiness into question?"
"No and I do not wish to argue. I just want to say that until I know you're sure of what you feel, of who and what you want, I think we should leave things as they are."
He scoffs as he can't believe what she just said to him. "Are you serious?"
She knows if she continues with him this would go on for hours as he cannot stand being unable to get his way. She pours the water in the bowl and lays out a couple of linens for drying. "I will return for these once you've dressed for the day." She curtseys politely with a slight nod. "My Lord."
He watches with his mouth agape as Gwen turns her back on him and walks out of the room.
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Arthur is completely flabbergasted by Gwen's decision. He knew she would be upset, hurt but he never anticipated that she wouldn't take him back. Surely she knows he never meant what he said and he most certainly did not mean to hurt her. He is jerked out of his musings by Merlin's shoulder slamming into his. He looks harshly towards his servant and then realizes they have an audience.
The knights were training and awaiting his instructions. He looks to them and waves a hand with, "Carry on." He walks away intending to capture a few moments alone to ponder his situation but of course Merlin follows.
"Give me a moment please Merlin," he requests.
"Anything I can help with sire?" Merlin wonders.
"No I….." He takes a second look at his servant and it dawns on him that Merlin and Gwen are friends and maybe she had said something to him about her feelings or her decision. "Well….have you spoken with Gwen today? Is she unwell?"
Merlin smiles. "You mean you wish to know why she's avoiding you?"
"She's not avoiding me." Arthur's frown morphs into one of question. "Is she? She's really avoiding me?"
"She only said she believes some time apart would be best."
"She told you that?" Arthur's heart begins to race at just the thought of being away from Gwen indefinitely.
"Actually, I heard her mention it to Gaius," Merlin answers.
"Gaius?!" Arthur yelps. "She's told Gaius about us?"
Merlin shakes his head negatively. "He….sort of guessed."
"More like you told him. I could've sworn I explicitly ordered you to keep my relationship with Guinevere a secret."
"And that's exactly what I did my Lord but people have eyes. They can see how the two of you look at each other when you're in the same room. You can't hide love, sire."
Arthur softens at the mention of love and knows he has to do all within his power to show Guinevere how much he truly loves her.
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Gwen walks through the enormous hallway and is grateful that being King keeps Arthur as busy as ever. She hasn't seen him nor does she want to. She can't give him the opportunity to persuade her to take him back. Her resolve would crumble as soon as she glanced into those baby blue eyes of…
"Ah!" She gasps as her arm is grabbed and she is pulled into a small space beside a huge column. Her eyes encounter a broad chest and she looks up quickly before dropping her eyes to the floor. She closes them briefly and whirls around only for him to place a hand at her waist to bring her back around to face him. "Arthur…what are you doing?"
He smiles. "Oh so I'm Arthur today and not sire?"
She shakes her head as if to clear it. "I mean….sire. Is there something you need?"
He places a finger beneath her chin and lifts her head. "Just you. Meet me by the old bridge in the north garden in one hour."
"I'm afraid I can't sire. I have….."
"One hour Guinevere," he repeats before walking away.
She takes a deep breath and releases it slowly, wondering how he can still affect her as poignantly as he does. She swallows nervously as the heat of his touch on her arm, her waist, and her chin still lingers.
Arthur steals a glance over his shoulder, still astounded by the beauty of his love. He can't help but wonder if his closeness affects her as much as her closeness affects him. Surely she won't continue to deny him the pleasure of her presence. He would know within the hour.
Merlin watches the last of the sand in the hour glass slowly trickle down from top to bottom, indicating the passing of one hour and no Gwen. He risks a look at his King and friend and frowns as he wonders why Gwen is taking such a drastic stand. He realizes Arthur was wrong for allowing Agravaine to dictate to him but he thought Arthur coming to his senses would be enough. He was about to approach Arthur when he notices Gwen practically running out of the castle and down the small incline towards Arthur and the bridge.
Arthur sees her and straightens to his full height, offering her a bright smile. He extends a hand toward her. "Guinevere. You came."
"My Lord I do apologize. A delay in the kitchens," she explains. She steps toward him and risks looking into his eyes.
"Truly? Or were you contemplating leaving me here alone?" Arthur wonders.
"I did consider it but I felt it would be rude and I am not rude, sire."
"Would you stop with the formalities? I'm just Arthur when I'm with you."
She gives him a nod. "Well…..Arthur, is there something you wish to discuss?"
"I simply thought it would be nice if we could take an evening stroll before dinner. Would you like that?"
Gwen immediately eyes their surroundings, wondering about prying eyes. "I don't think that's appropriate."
"I've taken a precaution. Merlin will be our chaperone."
Her eyes follow the direction in which he points and she sees Merlin standing only a few feet away. Her friend waves with a smile and she returns it gladly. She reverts her attention to the man before her and likes the fact that he remembers her love for leisurely walks.
He offers her his arm and she accepts as they walk across the bridge into the garden. "I hear this is one of your favorite places to choose flowers for the greeting hall."
"You hear? Has Merlin been sharing my secrets with you?"
Arthur smiles. "If only. No, there are rare mornings when I have the opportunity to witness you come here and choose your lot for the day. I rather say the time gets away from both of us…..you linger too long in the garden which makes us both late for pressing matters within." He blushes slightly as her eyes meet his and he hopes she doesn't think he is being untoward for watching her unawares.
She stops abruptly. "Arthur I…"
"Don't say it. We're just here to enjoy the fresh air and one of your favorite places. I don't want to spoil it with talk of mistakes and uncertainties. Is that ok?"
She nods reluctantly and thinks that maybe it is better to put that moment behind them and move on. She wants nothing more than to bask in the love she has for him, to be confident in that love.
All too soon their moment of tranquility is interrupted as Agravaine bypasses Merlin rudely and approaches his King and nephew. The older man bows low with "A moment your majesty?"
"I am rather busy at the moment Uncle. Can this not wait?"
Agravaine eyes Gwen before facing his nephew. "I'm afraid not. Sir Leon has just reported that Gwaine and Elyan were attacked while patrolling the southern border. Elyan has been wounded."
Gwen gasps and gathers her skirts to race back inside the castle.
Arthur watches her disappear and asks, "How grave is it?"
"I have yet to speak with Gaius sire but Gwaine nor Leon looked very hopeful."
"Cenred's responsible?"
"It would seem sire. I advised you to show your hand weeks ago yet you chose to take on Caerleon instead."
"Ready the knights. It seems we are off to settle yet another dispute. Cenred will be dispatched directly," Arthur commands.
Agravaine bows low with a slight nod before leaving his sovereign to enter the castle.
Merlin jogs over to Arthur. "Did I hear you correctly? We're off to Cenred's lands?"
"It would seem so. Yet another thorn in my side needling away." Arthur takes a deep breath and releases it. He has yet to feel the confidence he was assured would come when he ended Caerleon's life. He looks to Merlin. "It has to be dealt with. Do you disagree?"
"I only wish there was another way but you are King and we will do what you think is best," Merlin assures.
"Gather the supplies. We leave at dawn," Arthur instructs.
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Gwen wrings her hands as she paces the floor of her small abode, her worry halved between Elyan and Gwaine's recoveries and Arthur's mission to face and defeat Cenred once and for all. She was supposed to be heeding Gaius's orders of rest after she assisted him in patching up her brother and Gwaine for hours but she finds sleep eludes her. She doesn't want Arthur to face another battle with the extra weight of wondering about her feelings for him. She stops in the middle of the room and decides right then and there that she must see Arthur before he departs.
She gathers her cloak, secures it tightly, and shrouds her face with the hood before exiting her home and racing towards the castle. She takes the stone steps as quickly as she is able, breathlessly reaching for the balustrade to balance herself. She rounds the corner only to slam into a solid body, cloaked in darkness as well. She almost tumbled backwards but strong hands grasp her arms, preventing her fall.
She looks up and with a relieved gasp throws her arms around her savior. "Arthur."
He returns her embrace, breathing in her familiar scent. "Guinevere."
"I'm sorry. I had to see you before you go. I don't want you to worry about us….at all. I love you Arthur and I always will. Never doubt that please."
"I don't doubt it Guinevere just as I don't want you to doubt my love for you. I've never loved another and I never will. My heart is yours here, now, and always. I love you."
They hug each other tightly, relishing in the love they feel for each other. Moments later, Arthur pulls back and grasps her hand in his. "Come," he instructs.
He leads her to his quarters and secures the door as she pushes her hood back and faces him.
"So all is forgiven?" He asks.
"All is forgiven," she answers. "And I'll have your favorite dessert awaiting upon your return."
"Well that's incentive isn't it?"
"So is a bit of incentive needed to assure your safe return to me?"
He smirks a bit and answers, "It certainly wouldn't hurt."
"Well how is this incentive for you?" She reaches up to cup his face and guides him toward her. She gently places her lips against his and slightly opens her mouth to taste him. At his groan, she grows bolder and slips her tongue past his lips. An arm at her waist presses their bodies together as Arthur deepens their kiss, answering her tongue with his.
They spent hours in each other's arms before his departure at dawn. Gwen returned to Gaius, knowing she would need something to occupy her mind and her time while Arthur was away. She spent a full day and a half agonizing on what Arthur, Merlin, and the knights could possibly be facing before she heard the trumpets sounding their return.
She races from the castle into the square, the short distance seeming longer than ever, and watches as a battered and bruised Arthur sits atop his horse leading Merlin, Agravaine, and his knights back inside the safety of Camelot. He held the flag of the kingdom of Essetir, indicating that their mission was successful. He guides his horse directly towards her and dismounts.
They smile lovingly at each other as he asks, "Miss me?"
"More than you know," she answers.
"I missed you too," he utters before he leans in for a kiss.
Gwen leans away with a gasp. "Arthur, we're in the square."
He shakes his head. "I don't care." He drops the flag and plants his lips firmly against hers, allowing the whole of Camelot to see who he truly and irrevocably loves.