"But now that my past self lies in her grave,

The new me comes out of the womb.

Now that what I was is dead,

I can bloom."

-Madeline Marie Morley

I felt a multitude of things, sitting in the front seat of our Jeep, as I stared at the quaint house in which I've lived my whole life thus far: fear, guilt, sadness…and an overwhelming sense of relief.

I pulled down the sun visor and looked at myself in its mirror: Flat, dirty blonde hair that touched my shoulder blades. Pale skin wrapped tight around my cheekbones. Light blue eyes with dark circles underneath. The ugly pink scar peaking out from my hairline. Yup, still me.

"Have everything then? Especially all of your medications? Are you sure today's a good day for the drive?" Margot, my older sister, asked as she loaded the final piece of luggage in the trunk.

"For the 100th time, yes. We have everything." I patted the med bag on my lap. "And you know how it is. I feel well enough...I guess."

"Did you get plenty of sleep last night?" Margot asked, hand planted on a cocked hip.

"Sure. Can we leave now?"

Margot closed the trunk easily with the push of one lean, bronze arm and got into the driver's seat next to me. "I just want to check, one more time, to make sure we have everything. Can you imagine what would happen if we left a med behind? Go through the bag and read me the list again, please."

I rolled my eyes, but opened the med bag and pulled out the check list. "Okay...we have topiramate, levetiracetam, felbamate, midazolam, and lorazepam. We've also got bandaids, tegaderm patches, gauze, daily vitamins, ibuprofen, alcohol wipes, hand sanitizer, suction tank, gloves..."

"What about the nasal cannula?" Margot asked worriedly.

"Can you turn your nurse mode off for a minute? You're giving me a headache. We have the damn cannula, I was getting to that. Oxygen tank is in the trunk." I rubbed my temples.

"Sorry...I guess I'm a little nervous about all this. BUT, we are totally prepared, and we're going to be absolutely fine! This is the start of our new beginning! We'll be living together, just us gals! I just want you to be comfortable and for everything to be perfect. Besides...I'm no longer a nurse! As of today, I am officially a farmer!"

I had to laugh at that. "Farmer or not, you'll always be a nurse."

Margot smirked and turned on the ignition of her big, orange Jeep. It was definitely not a color I would choose, but it fit Margot just fine: sunny, bright and too obnoxious to ignore.

The ride was long. Margot turned up her pop music, occasionally bobbing her head and drumming her fingers against the steering wheel to the beat along with an occasional wink towards me. I always felt like she was trying to inject her happy, radiant vibes into me but, as usual, I'm just too stubborn to budge. It must be tiring for her. God knows why she's even moving in with me in the first place.

I placed my feet on the dashboard, put on the thickest pair of black sunglasses I had and gazed out the window. The cool glass felt nice against my forehead. The open road, forever winding and curving, made it easy for the mind to wander. I loved these moments of just observing without participating.

I realized I hadn't taken a drive like this in a long time. Grandpa's farm felt like a distant childhood dream where we spent lazy summers swimming in the lake, building tipis out of twigs in the backwoods and running along the deck with rainbow-colored pinwheels clutched tightly in our tiny hands. The cottage always seemed rustic, yet sturdy and comforting. It felt like an adventure, but also like returning home.

The entrance of Pelican Town was nothing to brag about, yet it had my nostalgia-senses tingling. A large wooden sign, which must have been at least 50 years old, read "WELCOME" with a cartoon Pelican smiling and waving me in. It was one of those old-fashioned styles that made me think "family-friendly". The wood had splintered, and the paint had paled after weathering the elements for so long.

It was clear we were not in the city anymore. There was a significant increase in Houses of Worship. There were a few hand-painted cardboard signs that read things like, "Free Manure" and "Free Firewood". The road phased to loose gravel and our car began to lightly bob from side to side.

My palms were getting sweaty as the trees started to clear. When the cottage finally came into view, I couldn't keep my eyes from widening as I took in all my surroundings.

I forgot how vast and blue the sky looked in the countryside. I forgot how tall trees could be as they stretched so high into the sky. I forgot how rich and vibrant spring flowers bloomed and how delightful they looked gently bending to a warm breeze. Stardew Valley was not only real, it was magic. No amount of fiber optics, concrete or steel could possibly measure up to this level of magnificence.

This is why I came here.

"Thank Yoba, we're finally here!" The driver's side door swung open with Margot following close behind and not waiting a single second to spread out her limbs as far as they could go. "Ahhh, it always feels so good to stretch after a long drive!" Margot smiled wide.

This time, I wanted to smile too.

I slowly opened my door and carefully climbed out of the Jeep. As I took in the yard with a slightly renewed perspective, I could see all the work that needed to be done: trash, weeds and overgrown plants. No type of crop could even begin to grow before everything was cleared.

"Yoooohoooo! New Farmer!" A woman with a carpentry belt waved as she walked down our road and struggled to carry an assortment of supplies that were cradled in her arm.

Ugh. We literally just parked and already I need to meet someone. Couldn't I have at least a day before having to deal with this shit?

I checked my pockets for a key in an attempt to escape this sudden social encounter, but I couldn't find one. I looked to Margot for help, but she never looked my way. Instead, she enthusiastically waved as if she'd known her for years. Extroverts.

"Hey ya! Are you the carpenter? Mayor Lewis mentioned over the phone that you might be stopping by!"

"I am and-!" The woman's speech was cut short as the items in her arm became too much. She wiggled and contorted her body in an attempt to prevent the fall, but it was too late. All the supplies as well as the woman herself went tumbling to the ground.

Margot immediately ran over and helped her up.

"Good Yoba! This stuff weighs a ton! What a way to introduce new neighbors to the neighborhood. I know I said that I just wanted to scan the property today, but there's a LOT of work that needs to be done around here and I thought I might as well get started a little early! I can get a little obsessive with new projects. I'm Robin." Robin held out her hand, and Margot enthusiastically shook it.

"I'm Margot and this is my sister, Rosie. Ah yeah, we totally have no idea what we're doing so we can use all the help we can get!"

I gave a small wave with a quick, tight-lipped smile before looking down and pulling at the sleeves of my dress. I didn't want to see the expression on her face when she looked at me. I hated meeting new people for so many reasons. There was always the automatic comparison between Margot and me: the pale, thin, sickly woman next to the tanned, confident, bombshell babe. I've seen it and heard it again and again.

Next to me, I heard from Margot: "Rosie's a shy one, please don't take offense."

"Oh please, she reminds me of my Sebby. He's shy too, if you ever meet him, but I'm sure he'll warm up to you if you're nice to him. He's practically a hermit in our basement, however, so I have no idea if you'll ever actually get the chance.

"Is he your only child?"

"I also have a daughter named Maru. I'm assuming you haven't met the rest of the town yet? That sounds exhausting."

I looked up at her then, surprised. She had auburn hair, kind eyes and a genuine smile.

Yes, meeting the town would be exhausting and, thus, I had no intention of doing it. I gave another smile, more prolonged than the first, but still said nothing.

Margot laughed. "No, we haven't yet. We are really looking forward to meeting everyone though and becoming a part of the community here."

Margot and Robin soon after went over details about what additions she's looking for with the cottage and the land. Margot seemed overly excited to get chickens and cows. Robin agreed to come by every morning to begin building. Robin even did a quick clean sweep of our yard and assisted in a trash clean up. I tried to help gather some trash together to help, but found myself soon after practically wheezing from the exertion and the dust.

"Rosie! Don't bother with that, we got this! Why don't you go sit in the shade? This will only take a couple of minutes."

This is always how it is. I can never be of any help to anyone. My body is useless.

When we entered the cottage, the first thing I noticed was that the air felt stagnant. Margot raised the blinds and ripped open the large windows, allowing for the white, natural light to filter in. I ran my fingers along the walls and felt the grooves of the wooden panels. It felt so strange to be here again, but also very comforting.

When I went to sleep that night in a new bed, I even felt happy. Happiness is always temporary though. It never lasts.

Over the next few days, a bunch of strangers kept coming to the house. I couldn't even keep track of their names, and I didn't go out to meet them. I stayed in my room instead. I didn't come here for them. I don't know them, I don't care about them, and I don't WANT to know them. Why would I waste energy trying to make an effort into something so pointless?

Everyone expects an illness to be a temporary incident, especially when it's invisible. They'll say things like, "Oh, you're still going on about that?" or "But you're all better now, right?".

On day four, I woke up with a pounding headache that felt like the nerve endings in my brain were on fire. My stomach was in knots, my whole body felt heavy, and, to top it all off, the rain just wouldn't stop. What was that expression again...?

How long was it going to last this time? An hour? Two hours? A whole day? I hated this. Then, that feeling, whenever my pain would spike, as if I had tripped and was falling backwards, even though I wasn't. An aura of panic. I tried to squash it as best I could. "Just calm down, just calm down. You're safe, you're okay. This is only temporary and you can handle it. You've handled much worse."

Why did they think moving to this place would help? This is just another prison.

Everything was pointless, even reading felt like a waste. I wanted to lay down, but I couldn't stand sitting still either.

Margot kept coming to the room asking:

"Do you need anything?"

"Can I make you something?"

"What can I do to help?"

I know she meant well, she always does, but her questioning just reinforced my feelings of suffocation. This is what they don't understand. I feel sick EVERY DAY, but on bad days, it's just a special kind of hell, and NO ONE can save me. It is what it is.

So, I did the completely illogical thing: I ran outside into the rain without even thinking to grab some shoes and an umbrella. My feet splattered and slid against the wet earth. There was a voice in the back of my mind telling me to be careful, that I was running too much, going too fast. There was a large old tire in the yard that caught my foot and brought my knees down to the ground hard. I got up and kept running.

I ran until I saw the beach and an old fishing pier. When I reached the edge of the pier, I sunk to my knees and cried, cried, cried as the rain relentlessly carried on. My arms were wrapped around myself, holding me as I sobbed. This was my life. I would never get better. I would never be healthy again. There will always be days like this. I'm doomed to repeat the same hell over and over and over. The waves crashed angrily, a constant wrestle for domination as each crest swelled and tumbled into itself. Every crest, every angry tumble, made the chaos within relatable. It calmed me.

Then, there was a moment, a suspicious feeling tapping on the side of my neck, which made me suspect that I might not be alone. I slowly turned my head to the right and noticed that I missed an almost identical pier standing parallel to my position. A man with dark hair and dark eyes was looking directly at me. He held a piercing gaze and wore all black, like the grim reaper himself. As I felt his gaze on me, my breath caught in my throat. I should have been mortified, but I kept looking back blankly. He held eye contact with me for only a moment, before turning his head away.

I felt a rain coat being plopped above my head, and Margot coming to sit at my left side.

"Are you trying to kill me? I was worried sick about you." She sounded tired again. I didn't want to look at the disappointment in her face, so I continued looking out at the ocean and rain.

"You worry too much..." I tried laughing, but I choked up, pitifully, and ended up crying instead. "I just...needed to get out."

Margot wrapped her arms around me as I leaned my head into her shoulder.

"Bad day, huh?"

I nodded.

Margot's arms wrapped even tighter around me. "Give me a head's up next time, okay?"