I promise it will get better. Just a little more torture.
Against all better judgment, Soul allowed Black Star to tear him away at the end of dinner. It wasn't going to make matters any better, he knew that, but, honestly, he saw no way that it could make it all that much worse. When he had gone to pick Maka up early from the lady's mid-morning tea, a horrible bore he was sure, he got nothing but a pert dismissal. Sure, there was a smile attached to it, but there was none of the joy of it in her eyes and she ultimately politely ordered him to leave until it was done. Even when he returned, she was just urging them on to the next post-wedding social engagement.
While he was sure all this was necessary, everything about her today felt forced, especially those words that had echoed through his head all morning. What the hell does she mean by 'particular regard' and how, or better yet, why the fuck am I going to do that? Each moment with her after that just heated those thoughts, making his head broil and his gut churn. So, by the time dinner was over, he couldn't actually create an argument against it and he and Black Star slipped away.
As usual, the two of them existed in silence long enough to drain a third of the skin. Black Star finally broke it with an annoyed sigh, "Please tell me that you didn't get in a fight on your first day of married life."
"Fuck if I know," Soul spat back.
Black Star grimaced, "Well, you showed her a good time last night, right?"
Soul stared blankly at Black Star before taking another long swig.
"Are you serious?" Black Star barely kept his voice from shrieking. "All that romantic bullshit and you, what? Held hands until you fell asleep?"
"Keep your voice down," Soul grumbled. "I didn't want to push her. She seemed scared."
Black Star let out a feral groan, "So now she's mad at you for not?"
"No," Soul let out an achingly long sigh. "I can't figure it out. I felt like we were so close to just getting back to where we were. Being in love. But now, all of a sudden, it's like she's turned it off. I even tried to say it to her and she stopped me."
"Whoa, like flat out 'I love you'?" Black Star took the skin back and washed the words from his mouth.
"Pretty much," Soul sighed. "I thought maybe it was because we weren't married yet and I guess I was going to try again if she came to the music room but she never showed last night."
"Ah," Black Star croaked. "So, maybe I forgot that part."
Soul narrowed his eyes at him. "She didn't know where I went?"
"Nope," Black Star grinned before taking another sip, shielding him from any abuse with the precious wine in the way.
Soul sighed, "I don't even know if it would have made a difference. She-"
His words were cut by the sharp footfalls up the stairs behind them and both boys sat frozen. Soul almost expected his angry blond to come through the door but instead, it was a taller, lankier version. "Here's where you idiots are," Liz hissed.
"Be careful of how you speak to me," Black Star threatened the wine in her direction only to have it snatched away.
"How drunk are you?" She brandished the skin towards Soul.
"Not much," Soul grumbled dumbfoundedly.
"Good, then get to your room. Your bride is borderline in tears and I swear if you ruin this!" She threw the wineskin over the edge of the parapet, leaving Black Star groaning as Soul slowly got to his feet.
"Does she even want to see me?" Soul spat at Liz. "She's been-"
"I don't care," Liz rolled her eyes. "And of course she wants to see you. Even though she gave me the damn line that she doesn't want to talk about how she feels about you anyone can tell. Something is going on, though, and it's your damn job to figure it out, not me."
Soul sighed and Liz reflexively smacked Black Star on the back of his head. "Hey, I didn't do anything," Black Star yelled at her.
"Well, I can't hit him, so you're getting it instead." Liz planted her arms at her waist before staring at Soul again. "Well? Get going!"
Maka had stifled any more tears by the time she'd heard the door open. "You were drinking with that idiot, weren't you?"
Soul was helpless against snorting a laugh. "You're getting good at sounding like a nagging wife."
That did it, making those jade eyes burn as she rolled over in the bed to give the wall attention that it didn't deserve.
"I had a few," Soul murmured as he moved towards the bed. "And that was because I knew…" Instead of laughing at himself which should be customary, he found a soft sigh breaking his lips as his eyes followed the bare skin of her shoulder blade.
"That it would make me angry?" she offered haughtily.
"I knew I'd only be able to ask you this if I did." He hoped the words didn't sound half as panicked as they made him feel.
A pause, a good sign since he'd learned that if Maka was really cross there was no stopping words from gushing forth. "Ask me what?"
"If you'd let me," he cleared his throat as he just rested his hand on her arm. She allowed it, not moving away and for a moment he was hopeful there would be another memory with it but he urged himself back to the task at hand. "I want to touch you."
"You are," Maka corrected.
The color was blossoming on his neck and he was sure he would never be able to swallow again, his mouth arid. "Like a man should touch a woman."
"You are a man, I am a woman, and you are touching me." Her voice was now as tight as her shoulders and he felt all of this slipping from his grasp.
"Like a husband should touch a wife." He was infinitely glad that she was staying rolled away so she could miss the bright blush that was burning brighter than any bonfire.
"You… are my husband," whatever annoyance in her voice seemed to be dissolving but he didn't like what was leftover, a tender fear. "Asking me, isn't that just useless?"
"No," Soul let his hand fall slightly firmer on her arm. "I don't want you to think I expect those things and even now… all I'm asking is the opportunity to touch just you. You don't even have to think about me."
The pause after stretched into eternity until a whisper came back. "Then why bother?"
Soul sighed as he eased his fingers down her arm. "Because I think I… want you to be happy."
Another intermission for her thoughts until she found the right ones to be angry about. "And then after you'll go to the consorts and have your fill."
He laughed sharply, "Is that what the rumors are? That I visit my father's whores?"
"A man doesn't give without expecting to get," she snapped back sharply.
"Maka, have I been a man like that?" Soul was actually pleased to hear no immediate resounding answer, instead peeking over her shoulder to see her finger tracing a line in the sheets. "After, I'll just… I can take care of it myself."
"I still don't understand why," she murmured.
"If what I said isn't enough for you then say no." He tried to temper the temper in his voice with his hand again running along her arm, this time producing a healthy trail of goosebumps.
Suddenly, she was sitting up, still facing away from him and Soul was sure he'd ruined it all. She was either going to turn and belt him or simply get up and leave, both of them now perfectly acceptable reactions to his current behavior. Because what have you fixed by asking her for this? What is having sex with her really going to do if she won't unlock her damn heart?
Instead, she sat still for a moment as she strangely played with the ends of her hair. Maka let a hand drift from there to her side and Soul held his breath and she lifted her arm, leaving room to pull the side ties of her dressing gown apart. She repeated it on the other side before simply upending the fabric over her head. Her back was lily-white and while he wanted to touch it, to use his fingers to connect a few errant freckles he'd already noticed on her skin, he stayed still.
Without looking at him, she lay back on her side. The next question trembled off her tongue, "I can ask you to stop if I want?"
"Yes," he tried not to allow any of the building excitement to add to the word.
"Alright then," that whisper quivered from her throat but the rest of her remained eerily still.
Soul moved his hand to her shoulder, pulling aside the honey-blond hair and letting it decorate the pillow beneath her head. He made a fool of himself in his head as he took another moment to run his fingers through her hair, validating the softness that he'd considered before in idle moments. "You're beautiful," he murmured.
"You don't have to do that," she snapped.
He tried to make it sound like he was clearing his throat but he could hear it for the growl it was. "Why do you seem even more guarded now that we're married?"
"What?" Her head turned over her shoulder, blinking at him.
Soul tried to bite it back but the words just rolled off his tongue, "Is it something I don't remember? Or was last night all wrong? I was trying to make you comfortable."
Her nostrils flared with a few desperate breaths before she opened her mouth, "Where did you go when you left?"
His forehead wrinkled at the question. "Where I always do, to play. I had told Black Star to leave you a note that was where I'd be but he forgot. I took longer than normal because I wanted to give you time to - I don't know - settle in. Where do you think I went?"
Maka bit her lip, ready to leave it until his hand clutched her chin, forcing her eyes to his. "The maids were talking this morning…"
"About what exactly?" he snapped.
His anger bled to her and she sent the words out like venom, "How is it that they all seem to know you're such a good lover?"
Soul couldn't catch the bray of laughter from his lips, "Me?"
The tears were starting in her eyes as the words shot off her lips, "Oh, they had a lot to say since it was safe because I was just like them, a common girl, not some dainty lady-"
Soul pressed her chin to shut her mouth and muffle the rest. "Tomorrow, you ask Black Star. He'll love the chance to embarrass me and rat me out that you were the first girl I even held hands with." He let a rueful laugh leave his mouth, "As far as I know, I haven't even kissed a girl and you can't even imagine how fucking scared I was just now even pretending that I know the first thing about touching you. I mean, I started with your hair for fuck's sake. What moron thinks that touching a girl's hair would make her feel good?"
The tirade had kept him from focusing on her face but as he sucked in another breath to continue on in his self-deprecation he saw the blush on her cheeks, the now not so tight draw in her lips. "It felt nice… and you…"
"And what?" He asked back breathlessly as he loosened his grip on her chin and let his hand slide down to cup her neck.
A warbling sigh left her lips as she rolled over, just barely clutching the sheet as a barrier between them. "Could you look at me and try to remember?"
"Try to remember what?" he asked dumbly.
"Soul…" She groaned as her eyes looked up at him, pleading.
He stared, examining her face and trying to find the secrets hidden in the contours of her lips, the gentle arch of her eyebrows. Instead, a frustrated groan left his throat, "Maka, I'm sorry. Nothing's there. If it's the past, if I hurt you then or if I hurt you now I'm sorry, but I-"
The words had no choice but to stop as her lips clamped over his. Her hands refused to touch him, just her mouth lingering on his but he didn't need it, her breath enough to jump-start his mind.
"Why are you rushing me?" Maka grumbled. "We're leaving the rest of them behind and they have the picnic basket. I bet you're thinking with that overactive stomach of yours. We're not going to get the food any faster by getting to the clearing first."
Soul wasn't relinquishing his hold or his pace, just pulling her forward so that the trail was far behind them along with the rest of the group. His mind was racing and his heart was threatening to jump out of his throat. He knew his hands were clammy and it was a blessing she hadn't called him out on it and taken her delicate fingers away. All he needed was a few more feet, getting her to the other edge of the clearing so that the trees there could give him at least an extra moment's worth of privacy.
"And now we're leaving the glen? Where are you taking me?" Her impatience was started to give way to amusement and a delightful laugh from her lips sent a chill up his spine. Just as they'd passed the first large tree he turned, catching her in the easy collision course she had taken since she was not expecting the stop. He caught her at the waist, pressing her back against the trunk and his body to hers. "Soul," she barely breathed out as her eyes widened.
"Maka, I…" One hand trembled up to her cheek and back into her hair, guiding her lips to his. It was delicate as could be since he feared clashing teeth or knocking noses and he was sure it would only last a second, just long enough for her to realize his idiocy and give him the wallop he expected. Instead, her hands came to his waist, locking him in place as she threw away all hesitation, stealing the kiss from him and making it her own.
Before he could leach anymore, Maka pulled away from him but even without her lips he was buzzing with excitement. "I kissed you!" His laugh was joyful and almost awestruck until he opened up his eyes to see the tears streaming down her cheeks. "Hey, Maka, don't," he murmured as he moved his fingers to clear them. "I remember, I brought you to the edge of that glen because I wanted to kiss you so badly and I was going to tell you-"
"But you don't remember what happened after that?" her voice trembled.
"We kissed, you kissed me back, and I was so happy, Maka, you have no idea," his laugh was still guarded as another wave of tears leaked from her eyes.
"We were interrupted," Maka murmured.
None of it came back to mind, his focus too keen on clearing her face. "Is that… when it happened?"
Maka took in a trembling breath. "Of course it did, because I-"
"Are you trying to say it was your fault?" He dared to touch her cheeks again to clear the tears away.
"Soul," she warbled as she pushed his hand aside.
"Maka, that's ridiculous," he shook his head slightly. "No matter what happened it wasn't you with a sword, so it couldn't be your fault."
"It might as well have been," she spat.
Soul forced his hand back to her face, sighing as she still struggled against him. He let the fight linger for a moment before he rolled away from her, sitting up on the edge of the bed. "If I remember, am I going to be able to convince you?" he spat to the floor. "Or am I just going to get pushed away no matter what I do?"
"What?" Maka shuffled with the sheets, clutching them to her chest as she sat up in bed.
He couldn't stop the rueful whisper, "Why do you want me to love you but at the same time don't? I married you and there was duty there, sure, but we both know that's not why I chose you. I've still promised you forever. So is it me? Is it what I am now? Is it because somehow I can't be him even though, for fuck's sake, he is me?"
"It's not you," she said softly as her fingers grazed his back. "It's that love is only good for making rash, stupid decisions and I don't want to put either of us at risk especially since everything is so dangerous right now as it is."
Soul scoffed, "So, what? Just indefinitely hold off on falling in love because we've got a job to do? How long is that going to be?"
"Soul-"
"No," he urged, breaking any hope of her continuing, "Because you make way too quick decisions even without being in love. That's you. We both know that 'pregnant in a year' promise wasn't because you loved me. You were making sure you were Queen, following your first objective."
Her lips pressed into a line, "It wasn't my first objective, just one of."
"Leave it to you to be pissed about the words I use in the middle of an argument," he sighed.
A little bit of fire was starting in her eyes, zapping away the tears. "I don't like that you're making it sound like I just married you to be Queen."
"I know that's not the only reason," Soul grumbled back, "but it sure as hell feels like the main one."
"Do you really think I came each night to the music room just to be Queen? Or what about touching me? Getting your memories back could have backfired because I could have been reminding you how little you cared for me but I did that because I wanted you to have them. I wanted you to feel whole, to be better." Her hand was no longer a soft touch but a jab at his spine. "And Medusa! I was willing to risk everything, this entire mission, get myself kicked out of the competition altogether because I thought she was killing you and I'd rather be sent away, worse, dead, than let you suffer."
He shot his head over his shoulder, finally looking at her with blazing eyes. "Then tell me you love me."
Her lip trembled but held tight.
"Tell me," he urged again. "Because I loved you then-"
"Soul," she pleaded.
"And I love you now," he finished desperately. "But if you can't admit that you love me, then maybe you should put your clothes on."
Her fingers were clenched so tightly that they were as white as the sheet. "What?"
Soul brought his eyes back to his lap, focused on his fingers. "I will do my duty. You have to have a child, I know that, and I will do what has to be done, but what I was promising right now, what I wanted to happen between us tonight, that can't happen if you can't admit, if you won't." He got up quickly, his hands balling into fists at his side. "I'm going to go play. If you don't trust me, you can follow but unless you have something to say to me, don't stay."