My vision blurs around the edges. I'm staring so hard at that face. It looks like mine, only different. The hair is shorter, the smile is brighter, the eyes are shining. He looks happy.
I can't remember feeling like that in a long time. I remember cold and pain. The strange words that slip off my tongue and into the world without my permission. Learning smiles and mission reports. Breathe and stay calm.
I wish I could feel like this man with my face did, just to have the memory to hold on to. My feet carry me away from the huge building and into the world beyond. I let them take me to wherever it is they want to go.
Sirens of a police car rush by and I flinch, in the loud noise I hear screaming. The cold starts to creep around my brain, my skin raises in goosebumps. I shiver in the warm sunlight of the day and try to keep the flashback at bay, they never bring anything good. Breathe and push it back, don't let it in.
I keep walking. The museum says my name is James Barnes, if that man is really me.
I remember. But I'm not the man from the museum. They call him a hero, and of all the things I'm not sure of I know I'm not a hero. Heroes save people, and all I remember is death.
The day passes slowly as I fight the familiar battle of staying in control. Breathe and forget, don't get triggered by the cars, or the man with his hands in his pockets, or the women who is whispering. Don't tense up when the man reaches into his pocket to pull out a phone, don't freeze when a little girl tells you she's lost. Breathe and stay in control, don't run when the car pulls too close, or someone begins to shout. Don't flinch when someone brushes me, don't take the long way everywhere so no one can follow.
Breathe and remember what is important, my name is James Barnes, someone called me Bucky. Steve called me Bucky. I remember his face, a clear picture in my mind. He was my friend. The picture in my mind grew bloodied and battered. Steve. Breathe and stay calm.
Rebecca. No, no don't go there. Rebecca. No. Stop.
Breathe in, breathe out. My name is James Barnes. I was in the army. I was in Hydra, I was Hydra, their face, their fist, their secret weapon, their resurrection.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I am James Barnes. I liked to smile, and eat food, and tease Steve. I was one of the good guys.
Breathe and get it together, keep walking, head down, arms in pockets. Go back to the abandoned house I fixed and stay there until I have to leave again.
What am I doing?
Breathe and lay in bed, knowing sleep won't come. Climb out of bed in the morning. Breathe, splash cold water on my face. Breathe, step outside and wonder around. Breathe and keep going, just keep going. Don't be suspicious, don't cause problems. Breathe, be in control.
But why? Why breathe? What would it matter if I stop? Breathe. Steve would want that. You don't even know Steve, I internally yell at myself. Don't breathe, but stay in control because if you don't people will get hurt, people will die.
Walk, keep going. Slip from a restaurant I don't eat at and keep walking. Breathe and don't make it worse. Don't hurt anyone else.
Darkness has fallen when I start my walk back to my house, through the town. Breathe, check the corners for enemies. Breathe and keep walking, get back to the house, and then it can all be over.
But I don't get there. There is a fight, at a bank two blocks from my house. About six to one.
I freeze, my heart pounds. Panic is rising in my throat. Breathe and run. But I freeze, I watch from the shadows. There is a winner, then someone steps from the shadows behind her and fires a gun. Two shots.
Assess threat, no orders. Leave. Don't jeopardize the secrecy of Hydra.
I shake my head, shut up. My hand tightens around the knife. Don't engage, don't engage. I throw it. Shut up Hydra.
The man with the gun falls, the knife buried in his chest.
Breathe and do what? I step out and hover just outside the crime scene. What did I just do?
Breathe and make a plan. I can run or help. Hydra says run. What do I say? I don't know.
I stay. I kneel next to the girl who was shot. She's wearing a black suit with an eagle symbol. I know that one, it's S.H.I.E.L.D..
Run Hydra screams in my head. No, I am going to stay. She's bleeding.
I hesitate.
Run Hydra screams again. I pick her up in my arms and carry her to my house. I lay her on the bed.
I hesitate again. I don't fix things, I break them. Breathe, I got this far.
She has a gunshot wound on her stomach. I undo the top of her suit, leaving her in a black tank top and pull that up to reveal her wound. There's blood. But you didn't do this, I tell myself.
I walk toward the door. I can't do this. I pinch myself. Breathe and walk back. Idiot, help the girl who's bleeding out. Breathe, I can do this.
I retrieve a first aid kit from the bathroom. I used a pair of tweezers to remove the bullet. I clean the wound and stitch it up, I dress it and wrap it. Excellent, except she has another bullet wound in her left shoulder. I repeat the same process and stand back to admire my work.
She is still alive. I should call someone. 911? That sounds right. Except I don't really know how. I could ask someone, but that would cause more problems.
I shift her so she has pillows under her head and blankets around her legs.
Now what? Breathe, and take it slow, she'll leave soon. Maybe she can help me. Breathe and let it be okay.