Sheldon

Sheldon's attempt at trying to find two new friends had been unsuccessful. He tried to "cheat" and invite old friends just to get the task done, but Stephen Hawking couldn't make it due to the weak excuse of being in the UK. Sheldon had tried to invite James Earl Jones to a viewing party of Roots, but he had declined saying he had already seen it. The cast of Heroes declined his invitations to a soiree as well, even though they had nothing to do since the show was canceled. Neither did they appreciate the reminder of their lack of employment.

He had skillfully avoided the subject on Sunday by distracting Moxie with more questions about knitting even though they had exhausted the subject previously. Ms. Moxie seemed more than happy to discuss every aspect of the hobby in excruciating detail, and Sheldon didn't think to ask her about her progress on friendship the acquisition. He then faked a sudden onset of IBS symptoms citing an aversion to discussions of dental floss.

However, Moxie had generously suggested the challenge be extended for a 2nd week. She had also graciously not rubbed salt into the wound of his failure by boasting of her success.

The intellectual salon that had been 4A was replaced with the mundane talk of parenthood from Howard and Bernadette, the inconsequential news that Raj's parents had managed to source a bride for Raj and their subsequent wedding plans, plus Penny and Leonard's redecorating 4B for some reason and needing boxes. Even Bernadette's planned biologist conference for the end of the week had been more exciting than this meeting of supposed intellectuals. Sheldon had to find a new salon, but having exhausted all other avenues, Sheldon had been left with the slim pickings of those on the edge of his immediate circle.

#

After the previous week's failed attempt, Sheldon had finally decided to ask Zack, Kripke and Stuart over to an evening of trivia games with prizes. Kripke arrived late of course, with a six-pack of light beer, and soon after, the conversation degenerated. Sheldon's mastery of trivia went unappreciated. The group was more interested in listening to Zack answering questions on his sexual conquest of a lady in a hot tub, than Sheldon answering the questions of the trivia quiz. Sheldon couldn't get the image of swimming in a hot soup of bodily fluids out of his mind, so he kicked them out.

So exactly two weeks after the initial challenge, Sheldon had to report his progress on finding new friends; which was none.

Sheldon and the gang gathered around the leather couch eating their usual Thai food when a phone emitted a familiar alert. However, unlike every other time, they heard the alert; Sheldon ignored it and continued to push his food around the full plate instead.

Penny said, "Sheldon... Your pants is ringing."

"Are ringing, and yes I know." Sheldon automatically corrected Penny while he looked for some soy sauce to help his dinner. He picked up the non-low sodium soy sauce bottle, and glaring at Leonard, he mouthed out, "You had one job."

Penny looked to Leonard for help. Leonard ignored Sheldon's non-verbal jibe and shaking his head replied instead to Penny's silent plea.

"Sheldon's being a pedant again."

"I hardly think using good grammar would qualify me as a pedant." Sheldon picked around at his Mee Krob and adjusted his legs to mask the ring tone.

Leonard said, "No, but correcting everyone is pedant, Sheldon."

"That should be pedantic since you changed from describing me as a noun to using an adjective."

"Exactly...Thank you for making my point." Leonard snapped.

Interrupting the sparring match between Sheldon and Leonard, Penny attempted to argue grammar with Sheldon "But it is one pair of pants."

Leonard tried to help Penny out of the hole she was digging herself into, "Yes, but it's plural, since it's a pair..." Leonard nodded to Sheldon who was too busy fussing in his pocket trying to mute the sound on his phone. Ignoring Leonard's comments, Penny turned back to Sheldon with a glare as his phone rang again.

"Yes... well THOSE pants are still ringing and hey isn't that the tune from that old show with David Hasselhoff in, the one before he did Bay Watch...Leonard, what's that show?"

Penny glanced over to Leonard, "Knight Rider."

"Night Rider?" Penny squealed as she teased Sheldon, "Oh, I get it! That's your lady friend, isn't it? Now I get it. Maybe she likes to ride around at night... you know..." Penny nudged Sheldon in the side and her wink and sneer obviously implied much more than a simple ride. Sheldon was incensed at the slur upon Ms. Moxie's reputation. To insinuate that she did anything untoward at night was insulting to say the least.

Sheldon snapped at her, "No, I don't know what you mean. She doesn't do anything at all hours of the night. Besides, it's KNIGHT Rider... with a K!"

Ignoring Sheldon's comment, Penny just grinned, "Whatever, I guess she told you she had a crush on David Hasselhoff or something."

"She didn't have a crush on him, Penny. She liked the voice of the car!"

Ms. Moxie's texts were like that car: His own sentient technology guiding him through the malaise of social interactions. Ms. Moxie had admitted that she had liked the show for the main character, which Sheldon assumed was the car. However, Penny didn't need to know that.

"Face it, Sheldon. She's hot for the Hoff."

Bernadette added. "If it doesn't work out with your fake girlfriend when she leaves you for David Hasselhoff, I can introduce you to this girl I met at the conference last week. You'd love her. Totally into weird stuff and smart as a-"

"Not interested."

"Fine...Your loss. I think she'd be perfect for you." As the tune rang out again Bernadette added, "Also...your fake girlfriend texted you again."

Sheldon only stabbed at his unsatisfying dinner and muttered, "Knight Rider is with spelt a K..."

Leonard added, "...and pedantic is spelled with a P."

Finally, after the third tone, Penny had had enough and snapped at Sheldon.

"Oh, for goodness sake Sheldon, why don't you reply to the dammed phone?"

He was unusually reluctant to answer Ms. Moxie's text. He thought he could put off admitting his defeat, but unfortunately, the delay had enabled his nosy friends to recognize the alert tone he had assigned Ms. Moxie. But before he could answer Howard cut him off.

"He's in trouble. I know that look. Better face the music, pal. Even your fake girlfriend has you whipped." And with a smirk, Howard pulled out his phone and used an app to make a whipping sound.

Sheldon tried to avoid the group's stares. He knew exactly what Moxie would be seeking. An update on the challenge they had set each other 2 weeks ago. A task that he had still not achieved. So far, his attempts in trying to gain 2 new friends were for naught.

So, ignoring the group, Sheldon dried his sweaty palms on his pants, pulled out his phone and read the three texts so far received.

"Hello, Sheldon."

"I assume you're having dinner."

"Are you enjoying your Thai food?"

"Hello Ms. Moxie. Sorry for the late reply, but I was reading a book on helium. I couldn't put it down."

Sheldon chuckled at his science joke, but he didn't get the response he wanted.

"I take it by your delay in replying and terrible joke that last week was a bust as well."

Of course she knew that his attempts had been a bust. Crafty woman. Sheldon had to text back something. He was caught.

"If you knew how to read minds, you really should let a guy in on it."

"No mind-reading required when it comes to you. Now, tell me all about it."

Ignoring her latest request, he responded to the first question,

"The Meh Krob is dry and Wheezy refused to complain since that is where we get our weekly Thai food take away. He says we have to maintain a good relationship. I sent a letter instead."

"Don't change the subject with humdrum chit chat. It's unbecoming. You know I meant our friendship experiment."

"Fine. You caught me."

"So speaking of maintaining good relationships, do you want to tell me what happened last week and why you were unsuccessful?"

Ms. Moxie did not always ask direct questions, especially on what could be deemed an awkward subject, allowing Sheldon to make the decision on whether to provide the information she sort, or not. This time, it wasn't a story Sheldon was ready to give up.

"Not really."

"Very well Sheldon, I realize that it is probably difficult for you to expand on this at the moment as you are currently not alone, do you want to go somewhere more private and e-mail me when you are ready."

Sheldon texted back his agreement and upon leaving his nosey companions to gossip in his absence, he trudged back to his room and closed the door. He opened the lap-top he had already set up on the end table, e-mailed her, and then turned the screen to the wall so he could get dressed for bed. The beep of an incoming e-mail came just as he pulled on his pajama bottoms. Sheldon flourished his robe like a cape around his shoulders, before putting it on and tying it tight around his waist. He flung himself on the bed with a bounce of defiance as he picked up his lap-top.

"So we both had an extra week to try...?"

Moxie left the question hanging, unfinished, something Sheldon had to complete

"I invited Stuart, Kripke and Zack over for the game night."

"And?"

"There were complications."

"What complications?"

"They were annoying."

Sheldon should have known he wasn't really interested in maintaining any real friendship with the three men, since he hadn't even bothered to give them cute nick names or hide their identity.

"Why? Was it this Stuart person's breathing again? Sheldon I told you, some people have a problem chewing with their mouth closed."

"NOT THAT!"

"Then what upset you? Was it really important or did you look for things to upset you?"

"Anyone would have found their conversation offensive. I just don't think I should repeat it to you."

Sheldon looked back and checked the door to make sure it was locked up tight. If Ms. Moxie asked him why, he would have to answer her.

"Why?"

Drats.

"Since you are a lady."

"A curious lady, so I can handle it. Tell me."

"They were so crass."

Sheldon wanted to leave it at that, but Ms. Moxie typed back:

"..."

He knew he had to tell her something. The last thing he wanted to do was to give a blow by blow of Zack's watery liaison. Finally, he decided he had to tell her the truth so she would know he wasn't making a big deal over nothing.

"Zack was describing his conquest with a certain woman in a hot tub."

"Tell me everything."

Why would she want to know about something so salacious, Sheldon wondered.

"I will not!"

"Well, tell me something!"

Ms. Moxie rarely used the exclamation point in any of her communications, other than about Englebert Humperdinck, so Sheldon was taken back.

"Why are you so interested?"

"A girl has to have some fun living vicariously through other's mistakes. Spill it!"

"Well, if you must know, they were overly concerned with women's physical appearances and the fact that this particular woman had large enough mammary glands to feed a large army."

It had also irked him that because the guys couldn't keep Sheldon's virtual relationship a secret, the whole campus of Cal-Tech knew that Sheldon had a mystery woman he would communicate with on an hourly basis. And the truth was Sheldon was tired of Kripke's constant taunts and jibes over his relationship with Ms. Moxie

"Most men bond over the objectification of women. They like to compare their conquests; successful or imagined. They especially give extra deference or props, as they say, to those men who can land a "Hot Babe", as they also say."

"Well my erstwhile friends and acquaintances have been on at me about what you look like, and I have informed them that I am not interested in that. Our relationship is a meeting of minds and intellect - not based on trivia such as looks and baser urges. I don't need a girl who is hung up on her looks. I have my sister for that."

Sheldon hit send before he realized what he typed sounded like he was promoting Ms. Moxie as "his girl."

He held his breath as he waited for a reply while. Too pent up to keep still he stood and paced back and forth across his room like a caged tiger. Finally, Ms. Moxie replied. He could almost see her blush from her text as he returned to his position on the bed.

"Sheldon, I am flattered. I really like the idea that you feel like that about me. However, back to the original topic. So the social experiment to expand your friend base was a bust?"

"Yes."

"I failed as well, I have to admit."

"You did?"

Sheldon was completely shocked that she hadn't completed the task, but pleased at her failure and a wave of schadenfreude overwhelmed him. Who wouldn't want to become friends with this fascinating woman? He imagined that she would have had hordes of friends just begging for attention at all hours of the night. Her social calendar should be filled, but the obligations would distract her from her pursuits and more importantly, from Sheldon. He could not help but selfishly smile at her admission.

"Yes, last week, I didn't make any friends and I didn't want to admit defeat. However, this week, I did meet one person with whom I am now on a friendlier basis; a nice woman in my building who now gives me Armenian cookies. I also spoke with another woman at a conference who asked me to call her. So a little progress. But you have made friends before and you can do so again. I want to know, are you really ready to give up on our Friendship Acquisition experiment?"

She hooked him with that line. Sheldon Cooper does not give up. But, science wasn't flowing, his friends were unwelcoming, and his life seemed stalled. At least he had one thing going for him, Ms. Moxie and he couldn't let her witness his defeat.

"No. This Sheldon doesn't give up."

"That's what I like to hear. Or read, as the case may be."

"However, I was not aware of the parameters before I started this experiment."

"In what way?"

"It seems finding a person matching my intellect is quite daunting."

"They don't need to match your intellect, which would be impossible. Your current friends do not have this requirement, why should your future friends be put under the same scrutiny?"

"Because as far as I can see, all most men seem to be interested in is sexual conquests and I have never been with a woman in a carnal fashion."

"Then make something up."

"I should lie?"

Lying was not in his wheelhouse but he could exaggerate to gain social standing. If pressed, he could lie as long he didn't have to keep up the ruse. He taught Leonard how to lie to avoid watching Penny in a terrible play. Sheldon may not be good at lying, but he was good with secrets. He had many.

"Lie is a strong word. Just extend the truth. You could say you are interested in pursuing that avenue of physical contact, and you plan on doing some carnal experiments with some lucky woman."

"But I'm not. Isn't that a lie?"

"Not a lie so much as an overstatement of interest. You don't have to do the act, just say that you are interested and you will be accepted into the social circle. You don't have to say HOW much interested you are. The quantity of your interest is minimal."

"Exactly, non-existent. "

"There is no absolute, ergo you can say with honesty you have an interest. They don't need to know it's .0000001%."

"Good point."

"Right, then you will be part of the conversation. Once you get your prospective friends acclimated to you, they will be enamored by your brilliance and you will have enough friends that you can cull the herd, choose with whom you grace your presence and allow in your world."

Sheldon wondered what he could possibly say to show he had interest any in coitus. He was never any good at lying, his face and body ticks gave him away. In fact, as he was fond of repeating his own joke, he had more ticks than a Lyme disease research facility. As he was pondering this problem he received a further message from Ms. Moxie.

"Sex sells, Sheldon. Just give the people what they want. Tap into that vast knowledge base of yours and just discuss what you have probably seen in countless films and modern TV shows."

Sheldon would have to feign interest in a subject that he is not remotely interested in. Could he do it? Well, he thought, he could fake interest with Moxie's knitting, Leonard's professional career, and Penny's yoga, he could do it with sex. After all, it was just like those things combined: curling something together in a sweaty and physically taxing exercise and ultimately futile and unfulfilling.

"I can try."

"Good! Well try and have fun with it. Maybe start with a possible scenario that you have had coitus. We will discuss next Monday."

"Wait! I need help with this. You can't just leave me hanging here. I need to know who, what, where and especially how."

"Okay. I will try and think of something."

Sheldon breathed a sigh of relief. He had outsourced lying about coitus, like a playboy Tom Sawyer. He was a genius after all.

"You will need to think of a few things as well."

"Do I have to?" Sheldon slumped down. So much for outsourcing this task.

"YES! This is your story. You can start with the 'who' you want for this imagined dalliance."

Sheldon relaxed into his pillow, he had completed his task.

"Easy. You. Now I did my part. You do the how."

"Me?"

"Who else? I can't imagine being with anyone else in the world besides you."

Sheldon hit send and thought about his own words as if they came from another person's mouth. Sheldon could imagine a number of things, being in a 2-dimensional universe, having three Nobel prizes or winning on a cooking show with Meamaw's brisket recipe, but "being" with a person in the carnal sense? That would take a paradigm shift of his self-identity that would shatter his foundation to the core.

Sheldon had sent his response quickly, and without hesitation, he had to hit pause on his emotions and catch up. Moxie's late reply didn't help his rapid heartbeat.

She seemed to not realize the gravity of his words when she sent:

"Fantastic! Use me. Ravage me. Let my body be your playground, virtually, I mean. You've got some homework, buddy. I expect the outline of a 'knock your socks off' love making session by next Monday night."

Sheldon loved homework.

"You've just said that magic words. Our evening text will be at 9:00 PM on the dot, so expect to be lacking hosiery before bed time."

"Let's think about how we can make you out to be the stallion you are!"

"No one is going to put reins on this horse, little miss, let me tell you."

"Not a problem. We can make sure the guys THINK you are stud. I need to do research. Talk to you later... STUD."

Sheldon couldn't help but let out a giggle. Never in all his life had he ever been called a stud.

#

Moxie:

On the Monday evening following their first week of the challenge, Moxie had sighed with relief to receive Sheldon's confession of his failure. So she had suggested extending the challenge for another week, whilst carefully not mentioning her own failure.

She had arrived home Tuesday evening, after a grueling day of again attempting to make friends at work with the administrative staff. She could have tried with her peers, other like-minded scientists, but most of those seemed to be too busy with their own work or friends to widen their circles. She drove to a fast food restaurant and arrived at her apartment with enough time to wolf down her unhealthy food before her scheduled call with Sheldon. However, before she could reach her door, Mrs. Kokosian, one of her neighbors, stopped her in the hallway.

"Why you eat that bad food! No good! Girls need good food. That make you fat"

"Yes, I know. I hardly eat this type-"

Mrs. Kokosian didn't seem to want any such excuses like, Moxie didn't have time, or she just wanted a high fat and carb meal to wash away the day. Mrs. Kokosian pulled her into her apartment and shoved a plate of rice, some grilled chicken that smelled divine and pita bread with a roasted tomato. "You eat this. Healthy girl needs good food, friends and a nice husband."

"I think those things are out of my reach." She smiled at the kind woman. What she really needed was a Nobel Prize, a backstage pass to Neil Diamond's concert, and a dishwasher that didn't stop on the rinse cycle.

But Mrs. Kokosian kept pestering and putting the plate in her hand, she said. "Friends keep you young, happy. You lonely girl, so I be your friend. You get cookies." She took the bag of fast food out of her hand. The grease had already stained the paper and replaced it with a bag of cookies.

"Nice? Yes. Good?" The kind woman's smile was as intoxicating as the smell from the cookies. As Moxie went back to her apartment, she thought about what Mrs. Kokosian said. A husband was never needed, and good food could be had, but making friends wasn't an easy task.

Devouring the plate of delicious food, she thought of the experiment on Friend's Acquisition. In all good experiments, one must examine the variables. Her sample size might have been too narrow. Where could she meet like-minded individuals that shared her interests? As she thought about the idea, she glanced over to her mail and an advertisement for a drug company-sponsored biology conference due to be held at the end of the week, caught her eye. She might be able to pull off finding friends before her deadline with Sheldon or at least get some good conference swag she could sell on Ebay.

So that Friday evening, she found herself in the crowded Hilton conference center in Pasadena ready to interact with as many people as she could. The large room off the lobby had rows of booths from every drug manufacturer and bio-chemical supplier in the Los Angeles area. However, far from a conference of like minds, this room seemed more like the Wal-Mart of science. She doubted many people in attendance had a degree in science; rather Marketing and Sales based on the gorgeous women manning the booths handing out free samples of useless items with logos to hock their brands. The crowd seemed especially interested in one booth manned by a good-looking blonde woman who looked like the same girl from a hemorrhoid commercial.

When the crowds moved in, the air started to feel a little thin, so she backed herself against a wall behind the booth just to catch her breath and escape the horde. She wondered if the numerous drug companies' hosting this event had a cure for agoraphobia.

A small blonde woman rifling through supplies and restocking the pamphlets had a sympathetic smile for her.

"Too much eh? These conventions can get pretty crazy. Especially when you get out the good swag. Watch em go crazy when I pull out these bad boys." The woman, who had a high-pitch voice and was, no taller than 5 foot pulled a plastic water bottle out of a cardboard box. "These will go like hot cakes even though they are loaded with diethylhexyl adipate."

"Yes, but the EPA classified that a non-cancer causing since there is no evidence of teratogenic effects, immunotoxicity, neurotoxicity in studies."

"Well, don't tell my company Zangen that. We are developing a drug to counteract the effects, though the side effects are nose bleeds and anal leakage." The woman handed her a bottle, "You can have the first one."

"Thank you." She wanted to introduce herself, but the woman asked too fast.

"So, what company you with?"

"UCLA." She said with a smug smile.

"Oh, academia, huh? No money there, but good work going on." The woman asked her about her field and what she worked on and she let the flood gates open. Finally a person she could speak to who had an inkling of her interests. After about 15 minutes or so of a great conversation about the effects of extracellular secretion of mutant huntingtin proteins as it relates to the history of Lewy body dementia which morphed into the Three Stooges, the woman said a strange thing: "Oh you'd fit right in with my friends. I got this one guy, just like you. You should meet him."

"That would be acceptable under the right circumstance-" But before she could get any more information, the woman's colleague yelled over for her to come up and help deal with the unruly crowd.

"Hey! They are killing me up here! Get those bottles and get your butt up here!" The woman turned to the crowd and said sweetly, "Now let me tell me you the benefits of a new drug we are developing for eye lash decay. May cause blindness, but you'll never need an Instagram filter again!"

A screech came from the stage, "BERNIE!"

"I better get up there. Text me your info and we can chat more." The woman's business card said, "Dr. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz."

She left the conference with a bottle in hand and a little spring in her step. At least she did her homework, and had someone to call.

Well well well... What has your author done here? A little meeting of the gang sans Sheldon? I hope you are enjoying the story so far! Leave me a review and say, hello! Anything will do, even if you are just reading this for the first time, or have been reading the whole time, tell me what you think thus far. I'd love to hear. Thanks again, to all of you for reading this crazy tale. Speaking of Crazy... Things might get Crazy. ehehehe