Just a reminder, this story is set in 2019 going on 2020. This will be important later, but for now, enjoy the pre-COVID bliss of our favorite show.
Moxie:
Sunday evening after Thanksgiving was her first attempt to call the woman from the Zangen conference. Moxie paced around her living room practicing what she would say, how she would introduce herself and how she would add a few quips to lighten the mood.
How could she be upset with Sheldon for not completing the task of making friends, if she avoided her own task? She took a deep breath, no more time for excuses, she dialed up the woman from the conference, but the minute she heard an aggressive female voice, she almost hung up.
"Hello? Hello? Listen up, pal. I don't want to buy any cruise packages, don't need a walk-in tub, and my social security is just fine, so you better put me on the do-not-call list right now!"
"Um... this is the woman from the Zangen convention. With the plastic bottle"
There was a pause and then Bernadette returned to her normal high-pitched voice. "How are you? I'm glad you called!" Moxie introduced herself and added. "I know it's after the socially acceptable dinner hour, but it is before the average time that most people sit in front of the TV according to-"
Bernadette interrupted her flow as she yelled over the speaker. "STOP THAT RACKET WITH THAT FAKAKTA MACHINE!"
"Is this a bad time?" Moxie asked, pulling the phone from her ear.
"Not at all! Hubby is with the kids in the other room."
After proper introductions and commiserations about telemarketers, Bernadette suggested that they meet for drinks the following Thursday at 7 PM. The kids would be in bed by 6 PM and she would convince her husband to cancel his stupid video game night.
"I've been looking for an excuse to have a night out without these people!"
"You mean your family?"
"Yeah…Thanksgiving was brutal!" Bernadette yelled in a voice that would scare a longshore man, "DON'T TOUCH THAT, HOWIE! THAT'S FOR THE KIDS!" then turning back to Moxie she said sweetly, "Yes! Can't wait to talk to a normal person! See ya Thursday!"
After she hung up, Moxie sat back on her couch and let out a huge sigh. Now she just had to figure out how to keep a conversation going at a local drinking establishment. A one-on-one seemed much less intimidating than what Sheldon had to contend with on a daily basis. But at least Sheldon only had to lie about sex and he would be accepted. She had to try and keep a conversation going with a woman she did not know.
She decided to google topics that she thought a woman would find interesting and after 20 minutes, found herself watching skin care routine videos, and that somehow led to a pimple popping video which seemed to have an enormous amount of views.
"Give the people what they want, that's what I say."
Her research was interrupted by a text from Sheldon:
"911!"
She smiled as once again he over used that emergency call for what she was certain would be something trivial.
"What is it Sheldon? Did your landlord change the hours for the laundry room again?"
"No. A strongly worded letter to the property Management Company fixed that fascist's tune and I found that unmatched sock after looking for three hours. No, this is about our project. I've got a meeting scheduled with the NFC 2.0 and we haven't finished our script for the date. I have to know, what kind of perfume do you wear?"
"I don't wear perfume but my shampoo is scented with vanilla milk and papaya."
"Got it. Like fruity pebbles. Check. I am in the process of creating a small cohort outside my core group that will enjoy the script we created. But finding a suitable time is harder than herding cats or nailing Jello to a tree."
"You're so funny. I have no doubt that they will be captivated by your humor and sharp wit."
"Few can escape my grasp. But, if you have time, can we go over the script I have created for our date? I made some modifications I would like them to meet with your approval."
"I'm sure anything you come up with will be fine, but please, send it over."
Within five minutes of reading Sheldon's script, she was already more aroused than with any of her Dentist based romance novels. She texted Sheldon back right away.
"I must say, this is quite detailed. I am impressed. The part about Cat woman using Batman's own belt to tie him to a carpeted scratching post is inspired. Do you think they will enjoy this bondage aspect of the coitus?"
"Given we're meeting at a comic book store, I think they will. Modern comic books, and graphic novels in particular, have a generous amount of sexual undertones and female dominated role playing. I'm just giving the people what they want."
"Smart man."
#
Sheldon
Sheldon heard the creaking of the floorboard in the hallway. It was gone 9 PM on a Sunday evening, past the time Leonard should be bothering him, but that hadn't stopped his roommate of making a general nuisance of himself in the past.
Though for the last two weeks and over the Thanksgiving holiday, Leonard had been more than accommodating, which was suspicious. Leonard had replaced the toilet roll when needed, stocked the tea box, and didn't use the urine collection cup for pancake mixture. He didn't over cook the turkey and kept Penny out of the kitchen. He had organized the comic books and games into stacks, one for Sheldon and one for Leonard, emptied out the hall closet and for some reason had decided to do spring cleaning in the middle of winter.
"Hey buddy." Leonard came into Sheldon's bedroom to ask what was evidently a ridiculous question as Sundays had now become Sheldon's sacred time to text with Moxie.
"Is now a good time to talk?"
"Not really. I'm on a riveting text with Moxie. Did you know that there are six types of pimples up to and including papules, cysts and nodules?"
"Sure...right. Well, do you think we can talk this week about the roommate agreement? Maybe Thursday? Wolowitz has just called and canceled game night. He says he has to baby sit."
"Canceled. Again? A family man should know how important it is to keep to a routine." Sheldon sighed, and said, "Very well, but I'm going to change the thermostat no matter what Game of Thrones says. Winter is coming, but 72 degrees is just fine."
"Right, sure. Okay. Talk to you then." Leonard turned to leave the room when Sheldon called him back.
"Oh, Leonard? Can you add fruity pebbles to the grocery list? I'm feeling like diving in the naughty end of the cereal aisle this week."
"Sure, buddy. Sure..."
After Leonard had left, Sheldon continued to text with Moxie about his script for their coitus. He had been working on his tale for the New Friends Club (NFC 2.0) unceasingly, even ignoring his current project at work with Kripke. And now with her olfactory details, the story had come to life.
#
On the evening of Tuesday, December 3rd, the first meeting of the NFC 2.0 was held at the comic book store. Those attending included Stuart, of course, Bert from Geology, a large unknown man in sweat pants, and an unnerving person named Dale who was far too eager to interrupt Sheldon's story with annoying questions.
Sheldon told the group that he had had a riveting date with Moxie and he eagerly started to tell them the whole story he had memorized. Thanks to Moxie, he had the perfect date scripted that would surely endear him with these testosterone laden cohorts.
Dale inched forward on a velvet couch in the corner of the comic store and interrupted Sheldon's story for the third time, "I didn't know you could do that with Mario theme song. Can you download the whole song pack from Nintendo?"
"Yes. I think you can. Now...I was just about to get the good part. We had just completed the bottle of Strawberry Quik and spaghetti with little hot dogs, when-"
"Do you think the syrup or the powder is better?" Dale asked.
The whole group snapped, "SYRUP!"
Sheldon continued, "We returned to the couch and she suddenly she takes off her glasses, and pulls off her sweater, and she had on a Cat Woman costume."
"Which one?" Stuart asked.
Sheldon turned to him and said quickly, "Julie Newmar... So, we sat on the couch-"
"V neck collar or small collar?"
"V Neck. So before we kiss, I say the Batman quote." Sheldon did his best Adam West impression when he said, "Kissing is the most natural thing in the world. People kiss every day."
Stuart annoyingly interrupted, "That's a quote from the 1966 TV series, season 2! The costume you mentioned is Season 3, for sure."
"Is not!" Sheldon slammed his hand on the couch, but Stuart didn't budge, and crossing his arms defiantly and he said, "Just because you want it to be so, doesn't mean it is."
The man in the sweat pants interrupted, "Yep. Stuart's right. Episode aired 1966 on-
Sheldon snapped, "Do you want me to get to the coitus or not!?"
It was at this point that Bert burst into tears. It took 10 minutes, two boxes of Kleenex and four cans of grape soda before Burt was able to tell the others that he had just broken up with his girlfriend who had taken him for all his life savings and the best rocks from his collection. It was then he realized that Guy's night out was just an excuse to cry over women.
#
The next day, Sheldon relayed the story to Moxie,
"So that's why they never heard about our earth-shattering coitus. The whole evening was spent with Blubbering Bert, and Ditzy Dale"
"I am not familiar with those Dwarfs."
"I added them to the list"
Sheldon was sitting alone in the apartment that evening. Leonard had coughed in the car to work that morning, so Sheldon had told Penny to keep him away for an evening until he was clear to make sure he wasn't contagious.
Howard and Bernadette couldn't make it for dinner because of some child nonsense and Raj was shopping for his wedding with his mail order bride fresh in from India. So Sheldon had a lonely Wednesday with a pizza and no one to share it with.
"The whole of next week is going to be a bust. I am unable to have the NFC 2.0 as planned and Leonard still hasn't purchased the cereal I requested or received his test results or submitted a trace analysis of every person he had come in contact with."
"Who's Leonard?"
Sheldon gasped and started to choke on his pizza. He ran over to his desk chair and pushed the back up against his chest to give himself the Heimlich maneuver. After 5 minutes into his near-death experience, he texted back Moxie,
"A guy from work."
"Oh, maybe he can be your friend. After you make sure he hadn't been exposed to 2019-nCoV. I heard it's a nasty one."
Sheldon's mood didn't improve with the mention of a virus that was raging through Wuhan China, even with Moxie's subsequent texts about the latest research on Neuroplasticity of the brain, or her riveting text about the history of the Saudi flag. Not even her jokes would improve his mood.
"I made a chemistry joke, and there is no reaction."
Sheldon chuckled to himself and texted back,
"I guess I'm just not in a good mood tonight."
"That's okay. You don't have to be a good mood every day. Would you like me to let you go for the night?"
"No! Not at all. I nearly died by inhaling an Italian sausage and there was no one here. If something happens to me, who will call 911, who will give me first aid and protect my comic books from thieving paramedics?"
"I'm not there physically, so I can't help with that, but I can say that I doubt paramedics would be interested in your comics." She sent a winking face emoji. Then her next text made him think. "What has made you happy in the past few weeks? Think back to that."
Sheldon gave some thought to the question. He hadn't had much fun with Leonard, work hadn't been exciting at all, and the only time he remembered laughing or having any kind of fun was with her. He wrote back,
"I must say, Moxie, it's been our discourse about our imitation liaison, that I have most enjoyed."
"As have I. Who knew pretending to have coitus could be so much fun."
"I must tell you, that my friends have started rumors about us. They have even tried to steal my phone just to get your information."
"Well not even you know who I am, so they are fishing in the wrong pond."
"I told them exactly that. Besides, it's been interesting hearing the rumor mill at work. I related to my co-worker Kripke that we have been engaged in a carnal fashion. So it's only a matter of time before the whole department knows."
"We should chart the expansion of gossip and see how long it takes for the rumors to get back to you."
"I love how your mind works. This will be a welcome distraction from things at home. Wheezy has been acting strange, as has Sleepy. Also, my neck is bothering me. Most likely from stress. So fragile a mechanism to hold up such a valuable object as my brain."
"Have you tried self-massage?"
"Sounds like a lot of touching."
"Self-massage is a great way to alleviate stress. I'll send you a method you can try. Also, to alleviate stress, you can try mediation or masturbation is effective."
Sheldon shifted on the couch, slightly uncomfortable at the subject. He wrote back,
"That is just is self-massage but lower."
"And more beneficial. Masturbation is a good way to alleviate stress, it boasts helpful hormone production. Not as well as normal intercourse, but you aren't interested in that."
"Certainly, not."
"It also can boast your immunity. Lately, I have rediscovered the benefits."
"Interesting. A friend of mine's book discusses the benefits of this practice as well. Her new book is all about it. "A Cougar in the Bushes: A guide to self-abuse."
"Dr. Hofstadter? She's brilliant. I've read that book. I'm impressed you know her personally."
Sheldon sat back and smiled. Well, he did have quite a brilliant personality so no wonder people were attracted to him like moths to a flame, even Leonard's dazzling mother.
"I'll read that book later and report back."
"If you are interested in self-abuse, I have quite a few suggestions that would aid in that regard. But on to other topics, I have my own NFC this week. I will be meeting with a woman I met at a conference. We are meeting at a local drinking establishment, so I will not be able to make our 9 PM call tomorrow."
Sheldon's face flushed with disappointment. He wrote back,
"Oh, really. I hope you're not considering partaking of alcohol?"
"No, not in the least. I would order my usual drink. Tepid water."
"Ah, good... Good." Sheldon said out loud as if she could hear.
Later that evening, he read Mrs. Hofstadter's book on masturbation. While the scientific research was well documented, he just couldn't imagine the practice. Instead, he decided to take another look at the make-believe date he had with Moxie. The second NFC 2.0 had had to be canceled due to Dale's unfortunate accident walking in front of a grilled cheese truck after last night's meeting, but Sheldon saw no reason to not to keep up his new challenge.
He created a new plausible date with Moxie that resulted in coitus. This time, he really outdid himself. The whole experience made his body tingle, and his localized vascular throbbing wouldn't allow him to sleep. His growing problem popped up whenever he thought of his 'date' with Moxie. He had thought to chart the correlation, but instead drifted off to sleep, hugging his pillow.
The next morning Sheldon woke at 5:00 AM with a raging erection that would not abate. He tried everything, cold showers, and Kolinahr, but nothing worked. He followed the instructions his eidetic memory had retained from Mrs. Hofstadter's book:
"First, massage the Glans, or head of the penis, teasing the rim while your hand slides down the Corpus spongiusum at a traverse angle to the shaft. You must exert the right amount of pressure and also massage the testicles while paying special attention to the scrotum. The blood flow will produce a pressure and harden the tissue in the corpus cavernosum."
After the longest shower of his life, Sheldon emerged, wet and frustrated.
He wrote Moxie while he ate his high fiber cereal.
"I have tried your methods for stress alleviation and frankly they take too long. I spent an hour and 45 minutes in the shower, and after much effort and a lot of cold water, the entire enterprise was for naught."
"Almost two hours?"
"Yes"
"Wow. That was a long time."
"I thought so, I came out looking like a prune. I think I will have to try other methods."
"Maybe your delivery was inadequate, or the environment was insufficient."
"Believe me lady, my delivery was more than adequate."
"I'm sure. But if you want to achieve gratification, you need to set the mood."
"I have no mood for this activity."
"You're right. Best to give up."
"I never give up!" Sheldon was getting insulted she would even suggest him accepting defeat.
"I am sure. Well, maybe we can discuss the parameters. The goal is release; is it not?"
"Absolutely. The quicker the better. I have things to do."
"Precisely. I recommend that you consider evoking your fantasy world. That way, you may be able to achieve orgasm in the most efficient and effective way possible."
"How can I do that?"
Sheldon moved the conversation to his room as he dressed for work. He removed his robe and was just about to dress, when Moxie's text distracted him.
"When was the last time you had a physical reaction to something. Engage that memory."
Sheldon followed her methods, and imagined the kiss she had described in detail. He relived the story he had created to impress his new friends, but this time he touched himself as he thought she might. He closed his eyes and imagined himself, as Batman tied to a carpeted scratching post, while Cat Woman ran her claws down his stomach, to his thighs and then coaxed him erect with a kittenish grin and a purr.
Sheldon memorized the text from her:
"Close your eyes and imagine that world coming to life. Your whole body is experiencing the sensation. The slight touch, the soft words in your ear like a purr. You feel the coaxing hand wander down your chest, and it's no longer YOUR hand. You don't know what it will do, will it touch you, tease you? Command it. Tell it what you desire. The feeling will build in you, like a voltage being held back by a resistor. Let it flow, let the feeling pulse through you. Then, just when you can't control the building sensation, let it free. Succumb to it."
Within 2 minutes, he released a moan louder than from any other self-massage. He didn't recognize the feeling, the uncontrolled and unbridled sensation that made his muscles quake. Sheldon panted as he breathed aloud, "Well, I liked that more than I thought I would."
"I hope that works for you."
He couldn't respond.
She wrote back.
"I have to brush my teeth now."
I wanted to offer a sincere thank you for the reviews. I really appreciate your feedback. It tells me this whole story was worth it. I have been working on the draft of this for months with my co-author going back and forth over emails... so many emails! LOL. I hope you enjoy!