A/N: Some flashbacks. The moments that Scott relives when Mack's water breaks. The best...and the worst. ~ Meowser
The flashbacks were written by Meowser and are in italics, while the scenes of Mack in labor and with Freya are written by me, GhostWhispererFangirl :) Enjoy! xx Mariah
Scott breathed in, feeling everything go off kilter.
He remembered a lot of mundane details in that moment; how last night, he'd forgotten to turn off the a/c and had woken up freezing.
He remembered that Mackenzie had cancelled two days ago, but she kept calling, asking to make it up.
But he'd been stressed. He'd forgotten to get back to her.
And now…now…
This moment. Ned clutching at his leg, and the anguished scream of Pete, watching as the life drained from his wife's eyes.
Scott jumped forward, knocking the weapon from the attacker's hands, but the damage had been done.
The other officers were taking over; everyone was panicked and shouting and Scott moved towards his partner's side.
Ned's eyes were closed tight against the pain, but he opened them when he sensed Scott's presence. "I'm okay," he managed. "Get help for Hadley."
"It's too late for Hadley," Scott muttered, putting pressure on Ned's leg, making the older man hiss.
"Fuck," Ned managed.
"This is my fault," Scott said, not even fully cognizant of the fact that he was speaking.
"No," Ned said. "It's his fault. He's the one with the gun. We just tried to contain it."
"But I'm the one who lost it," Scott said, ripping his dress shirt off to tie around Ned's leg. He had no fucking clue what he was doing, but knew that he had to create pressure.
When the medics arrived, they'd probably undo all of his work, and he was probably just creating more work for them, but he only knew that he had to be doing something right now.
"It's not your fault, and anyone might have done it," Ned panted.
"But anyone didn't," Scott said, feeling emotions and bile rise in his throat. "I did."
Scott thought he'd experienced an adrenaline rush before, but he was wrong. He could feel his heart pounding, and suddenly everything felt very warm, especially around his neck. He ran down the stairs to see Jim and Melinda comfortably seated by the fire, sharing a bottle of wine as they kissed.
"Mackenzie's in labor," he said loudly, breaking their moment.
"What?" Melinda said as Jim was already on his feet and halfway to the stairs.
"Just come up," he said and ran up the stairs.
He could hear Mackenzie breathing raggedly from the landing and the second he had a grip on the railing he jumped three stairs and rushed toward her. He caught her by her upper arms, making eye contact with her. She gripped his elbows, knuckles turning white, taking deep shaking breaths.
"I can't grab it," she whispered and he grabbed the bag near his feet and slung it over his shoulder.
"She won't change what I feel," he said simply. "I'll be there for you every day, if you want."
"What I want is for her to have a father," she replied.
"I can be that," he said.
"Scott," she inhaled harshly and her face turned red. "Don't make promises you don't know if you can keep."
"You can talk more at the hospital," Jim said clapping a hand on Scott's back softly and picking Mackenzie up into his arms. "Let's go baby."
"Okay," she nodded, breathing heavily.
He stood there as Jim disappeared down the stairs and Melinda went to Lana's room to give her the details. Emma had been alerted also, and both of them had been through other siblings having children, so it wasn't a big task to stay home while mom and dad left.
Scott on the other hand was not in his element. He had never even been around a pregnant person who he knew before Katie had Willow and he definitely wasn't there for that process.
"Come on newbie," Melinda said rubbing his back. "You'll be just fine."
He tried to smile, shrug, make any sort of human interaction with her, but all that came out was a head nod and a slight eyebrow raise.
He was awkward, more awkward than anyone.
The phone rang; once, twice, a third time.
Scott didn't even check the caller ID. He didn't have to; he knew who it was.
Mackenzie.
He knew it was her, like he knew that it was his fault that Hadley was dead.
And he also knew that he couldn't afford to talk to her.
It had been a week since the incident; he hadn't seen Mackenzie once. She'd come by, too. Carrying a pot of soup, like all he had was a cold. She'd knocked on his apartment door, stood outside for what seemed like centuries, waiting for him to open up.
He never had.
She'd left after hour four, promising to be back the next day.
She'd left the soup.
For all he knew, it was still there, but he doubted it; she'd probably taken it with her when she came back, this time with her mother in tow.
Thankfully, though the Clancy women were very talented, their talents didn't—yet—extend to lock picking.
Scott had waited them out, like he'd waited out Mackenzie when she'd been alone.
It took a week before she gave up.
Today was the first day she hadn't come by, and it was close to midnight.
Would the day really pass without her coming by?
It hurt Scott's heart to think of her giving up on him, but it also made a selfish, scared part of him very relieved.
It meant there was no more pressure.
It meant he didn't have to worry about someone else dying on him too.
Everything started moving very quickly, in some kind of blur. Melinda drove while Jim talked on the phone to who he needed to and Scott sat with Mackenzie in the back. She was clutching his hand tightly, so tightly he had lost feeling in his fingers blocks prior. She squeezed his hand harder and screamed in pain.
"I can't do this," she cried out and although he already felt like he could make his grip no harder, he did his best to squeeze back.
"Yes," he said. "Yes, you can."
"No, I can't." She sobbed.
"Mackenzie," he warned. "Yes, you can."
He watched a grin spread across her face, and without thinking, he leaned forward, catching her lips against his own. She pressed back momentarily, and seemed speechless as he pulled back.
"That helped," she nodded.
"Good," he said.
Melinda swung into the hospital's emergency entrance and Jim hopped out as staff ran out.
"How far apart are her contractions?" The obstetrician, Dr. Kimberly, asked.
"About eight minutes and they last about the six minutes," he explained.
Dr. Kimberly had been there since the first check-up. The confirmation. She'd confirmed the gender, prescribed vitamins and soothed each of her worries.
"Wait," Dr. Kimberly said and stepped forward as Scott moved out. "Get a gurney, a wheelchair isn't enough. She's bleeding."
The staff ran to grab one and Scott helped Mackenzie out of the car.
Everyone glanced down and saw, she's right. Blood was beginning to stain the inner part of Mackenzie thighs because she was wearing such small black shorts to keep cool with the heatwave this June.
"We might possibly need to do an emergency C-section," Dr. Kimberly says, not looking at Mackenzie as the gurney wheeled up.
Her eyes were focused on Jim. Her father. "No," Mackenzie gasped, clinging to Scott's hand, teeth gritted. "Daddy, please. Don't let them." Jim moved forward, helping Scott get her on the gurney. "She's not ready. I'm not... ready."
"Mackenzie, this isn't a discussion. She's coming." Jim said. "She's decided you're going to be a mother tonight, so you're going to be a mother tonight." Her heart constricted. "I know you wanted to do this the way you wanted, but it may have to go another way for not only your health, but your daughters."
Mackenzie's teeth were gritted firmly and she grasped Scott's hand so tightly he cried out with sound, and she didn't answer.
"She's having another contraction." Dr. Kimberly informed everyone as she watched Mackenzie's movements. "If we let this go for too long, her placenta will tear and she'll bleed out within the hour. We need to do this now!"
Jim nodded and they began to push the gurney, with the help of the Scott and the orderly who brought it up. Melinda followed while she was on the phone updating Kate on everything she needed to know.
"Alright, Mack," Jim said, talking calmly. "This is an emergency situation. It's going to be a little different than a regular C-section." She doesn't answer, but in took a sharp breath and nodded. "They're going to have to put you under anesthesia. You won't feel anything, and you'll wake up in a few hours, with a wonderful baby waiting for you." She reached her hand out toward him and he grabbed it. "I'll be there in the room, watching over every single step. It's gonna be okay."
"I know," she whispered back. "You need to listen to me though." He squeezed her fingers. "Stay with her." He nodded, mouth opening slightly. "Say it."
"Every step of the way," he said. She seemed to let out a breath, her muscles relaxed and she nodded. "She'll be here in fifteen minutes. It won't even be that long." They reached two doors the gurney stops just as the doors open automatically. "This is as far as you two can go."
Jim looked back at his wife, she'd just ended the phone call and looked at him with a displeased look. There's nothing else she needed to say. She wanted to be there, and she knew she couldn't. Disappointment.
He bent down and kissed her tenderly, letting her anger be swept aside for the moment, before moving for her to get to see Mackenzie.
"You're going to be fine. Your father is going to look over you," Melinda reassured herself before kissing Mackenzie's forehead. "And you," she touched her plump stomach and then smiled at her daughter. "Look at you, all grown up." She moved Mackenzie's braid over her shoulder and touched her face. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, mom." She smiled and then whispered in her ear softly, something that she wanted to be a secret between. "Promise?"
"Promise," Melinda winked and then turned to Jim, kissing him again. "Love you," she whispered against his lips.
"Don't be afraid Mackenzie," Scott said comfortingly, squeezing her hand and kissing her cheek. "You'll wake up in an hour and the first thing you'll see is her."
"We don't have time," Dr. Kimberly snapped. "She's contracting."
The woman pushed the gurney forward. He remained in place, and her fingers slipped from his grasp as she moved into an operating room. Jim hesitated, kissing Melinda again before following them into the door.
"I'll be out soon to update you," he told them, before closing the door. with his badge.
He stood dumbstruck, watching as the doors closed. He couldn't make out anything going on beyond them though. He never believed he'd be at this moment.
Even earlier, the pregnancy felt more like a novelty, an idea or a concept, not a reality. But in less than twenty minutes, Freya would be in this world. The rushing feeling coursing through his body, could either be nerves or excitement. He couldn't tell. It might very well be both. He stood rooted to the spot outside the operating rooms, counting his heartbeats, as if that will make time go faster.
"Come on," Melinda looped her arm around Scott's. "We've got time to kill."
Mackenzie went away to college; maybe there was a small part of her that was giving up on him, or maybe this was just part of the plan all along.
Scott returned to work; had many reevaluations so that everyone could make sure he was actually ready to be back in the field.
Even so, LeTrai was placing harsh restrictions on him, making sure he wasn't going to be doing anything half as stressful as a hostage situation anytime soon.
He was stuck filling the goddamn coffeepot for what seemed like centuries. And then one day Ned's new partner, the guy who'd briefly replaced Scott, called in sick.
Scott got into a squad car with Ned for the first time in what seemed like a whole millennium, his hands clutching the wheel. Ned was glancing out the window, pretending that this was no big deal, but Scott could feel the other man's eyes on him, every few seconds, just darting back to check on him. To make sure that Scott hadn't lost it yet.
Or that was how Scott took it.
Unbeknownst to him, Ned's thoughts were more along the lines of how mind blowing it was to have Scott back. How amazing it was. How he'd thought to never again be driving with Scott O'Neill, watching the other man's eyes dart about his surroundings, not missing a thing. How his hands clutching at the steering wheel, not light handed the way Ned was.
How he had complete confidence in Scott when the other man drove. How he knew he could always depend on Scott to get them to the right place.
How very much he'd missed this. How very much he'd missed working alongside someone he had total and complete trust in.
How very much he'd missed Scott.
Katie listened to an abbreviated version of these thoughts later, her eyes and face softening, her hands gently moving over Ned's face and shoulders, making a sound like an injured doe to realize just how much Ned had missed having Scott as a partner.
"Oh, Ned," she breathed, and that was it. No more talking that evening.
An hour later, the door finally opened and Jim walked through in his red scrubs. His muscles and joints ache from sitting in the same position for so long. He didn't even register that Jim was standing there at first. Jim smiled though, as his eyes slide in and out of focus, looking for his face as he then went to rub his eyes.
"Where's Melinda?" Jim asked, ripping the scrub mask off and throwing it away.
"Coffee," he yawned. "Katie called, for the third time."
"Is there any news?" Katie walked with purpose through another door with Melinda.
"Nine pounds," Jim said triumphantly. "On the nose. She's perfectly healthy and beautiful. Mackenzie is being moved to a recovery room as we speak."
"Really?" Melinda gasped.
Jim just smiled as the doors opened again and a woman came out, pushing a small cart in front of her. Dr. Kimberly was careful with her steps and wore a large smile.
"Mackenzie did great," Dr. Kimberly explained. "Isn't she beautiful?"
They all heard the smallest, large cry they'd ever heard. It was the kind of loud cry that could only come from little lungs, taking their first few breaths. Scott moved forward, like he was on autopilot, looking down.
"Are you the father?" Dr. Kimberly asked. "I don't believe we've met before."
Katie stepped forward from where she was and rubbed his back before looking up at him.
She had red skin and looked tiny, considering how big Mackenzie was at the end. Her eyes were closed but her legs were flailing up in the air, as she kicked desperately. They had her half wrapped in a pink blanket. Her tiny fists, moved wildly about and around her body. It was like she was fighting the air and rejecting the sudden cold of the world around her. His eyes moved to her face. It's chubby with Mackenzie's nose and thin lips. The hair on her head was blonde, a small wisp of a curl went around her ears.
"You have to make your decision now," Katie replied, softly. "You can't play games with a child in the picture now. It will only confuse her."
"I was never-" He muttered, looking over at her.
"Scott," Katie warned. "You know what I mean by games. It's been these last eight months of you and Mackenzie being hot and cold, hot and cold, and hot and cold. You're either going to be with her or you're not. You need to choose, for the sake of this little girl's heart."
"Let me just take her vitals and do a few tests and then you can hold her if you'd like," Dr. Kimberly told him, pushing the carried toward another door just down the hall.
Jim met Melinda with a hug and they followed Katie and Scott.
Dr. Kimberly pulled out a stethoscope as they came to a stop. "Good news is, she has a healthy pair of lungs." Dr. Kimberly chuckled. "She hasn't opened her eyes yet. "There you are," Dr. Kimberly cooed to Freya as she picked her up. "There's Daddy."
"Oh, I'm-" He supported her head as Jim, Melinda and Katie looked on. She weighed practically nothing. Nine pounds was what Jim had said. How can anything so amazing be so small? "Hey Freya," he whispered. "Hello." She stopped crying and looked up at him.
"She's used to your voice," Katie smiled, stepping toward him. "Mackenzie said that."
"I'm Scott," he told her softly. "And you are Freya Clancy. You live in Grandview, with mom, grandma and grandpa. Auntie Lana and Emma live there too. Mom isn't here right now, but you know her. She's the one who kept you all safe and warm up till now." She lets out another coo as she kicked her little legs and stretched a little in his arms. Her eyelids just barely fluttered. "That's right." Her eyes flutter again. He held his breath as she slowly pried them open.
"Look who learned to open her eyes!" Katie gushed, and scooped her niece from Scott's arms. "Hello there Freya, I'm your Auntie Katie."
They didn't know what to expect for Freya's eyes, but as she opened them, he almost braced himself for the worst. Instead it's like he's looking in a mirror. Mackenzie's blue irises stared up at him, wide and wondering, taking in the world for the first time. Green pooled in around the edges, reminding him of the ocean and he smiled.
"She got that down quick," Jim commented as he walked over with Melinda.
"She has her mother's brain," Katie answered. "Your mama is smart as a whip. She's gonna be a nurse once she gets back on her feet an to her internship."
"Can I?" A smile spread wide across Melinda's face as she held open her arms.
"Of course," Katie passed Freya to her mother and then turned to Scott. "Have you thought about it?"
"About what?" He asked.
"Being her father?" Katie asked.
"In the beginning? No. I thought I had the worst chances of getting her back. It never even crossed my mind," he replied. "But lately, it's been on my mind. Today made me think of a time I didn't ever want to think about again."
"After the hostage situation," Katie pulled Scott aside and hugged him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Do you still blame yourself for that?"
"Some days I think about what could have happened if Ned hadn't been shot in just his leg." He answered.
"No," Katie pulled out her pointer finger and pushed it into his chest. "You are not going to talk like that. It was not your fault."
Days passed. Ned finally came by, on crutches, and had LeTrai physically force open the door to Scott's apartment.
They'd talked to him; lots of words were voiced by worried voices, words that entirely escaped Scott. He couldn't bring himself to put meaning to them. He just knew he saw their mouths moving and tried hard to block out the sound.
It's not your fault.
He heard those words, ringing between his ears, repeated numerous times.
It's not your fault.
He didn't believe them.
It would be a year before he did.
Mackenzie's room was soft. It has a light yellow wallpaper with a matching hospital bedspread. There were a few pictures of teddy bears on the wall, with yellow ribbons. She was lying in the bed, breathing on her own. The last time he'd seen Mackenzie in a hospital bed, was after the accident.
He could remember how his heart had broke when he saw her. She'd lost so much weight, looked so fragile and pale, bruises were scattered over her body and she had stitches across her forehead.
Today was much different. Today she looked radiant, refreshed, her hair fell down over her shoulder in a braid like before and the scar from those stitches before was nearly gone.
He sat in a comfy chair in the corner, looking down at Freya. She's awake, blue eyes staring back at me, with what he can best describe as quizzical interest. She's so full of expressions, and he thought the joy from watching her face shift into each one might consume him.
Everyone else had gone to update the family, change and refresh themselves.
Scott was in such a trance watching her; he didn't even notice the first cough. The second one though was louder and jolted him to look up. He got up slowly and made his way over to Mackenzie and sat near her. She coughed again, eyes still closed, but fluttering behind her lids. She slowly pried them open, blinking a couple times.
"Scott?" She sounded hoarse.
"Hi," he whispered. "How are you feeling?"
"Sore," she answered. "Could you get me some water?"
"How sore?" He grabbed the mug of water the nurse had brought in just moments before, noting that she would be very thirsty when she woke up.
She waved her hands, eyes still unfocused, pulling herself up a little. "Don't worry about it. I've had worse." She coughed and took the mug. "How did everything go? Is she-" With one last large blink, her vision seemed to come back to her. They made eye contact and she smiled widely, reaching out a hand to him.
He grabbed it.
She pressed her lips together and he quickly situated her. There's a quiet choking noise.
He looked at her face and her eyes were welling up. She extended her hands, and very slowly, he transferred Freya to her arms. Once the child was fully out of his hands, he stepped back to give her the space she may need in this moment.
Her first moment with her daughter in her arms.
Her eyes filled with tears as she extended a finger to her daughter, putting it lightly in Freya's fist. Her little fingers closed around Mackenzie's larger one. She pressed her lips together again and took in a deep shaking breath.
"Freya Rose," she whispered. "Welcome to the world," she paused again, and closed her eyes. "I never thought I'd get here, not with all the obstacles in the way." He had almost reached for the door when she looked up. "Where you goin?"
"I didn't know if you wanted me to stay," he cleared his throat.
"Of course I do," she blushed. "I never stop thinking about you Scott, but I feel as though you're almost untouchable for me. I'd ruin you."
He buried his face in her hair to inhale, before lightly kissing her temple, silencing her sadness for this moment.
Scott saw pictures of Mackenzie on Ned's left open Facebook one day; Mack at college parties, dressed to the nines, hair done up, a huge smile on her face.
At least she was doing well.
She sent him a text, once, when she was coming home for a long weekend. She said she'd heard he was working again, back on the force. She'd heard that he was doing well; it made her happy.
She said she was coming home.
She asked if he wanted to meet up.
I'd like to see for myself how you are.
He didn't know how to reply. He didn't know that he was brave enough to see her. All he could think was that he was terrified that he'd disappoint her.
So he didn't reply.
And that was how he disappointed her the most.
She didn't try again after that. He'd seen her once, that long weekend, from a distance.
She was wearing shorts; her blonde hair was in a braid—he loved it when she braided her hair—and she was laughing at something Emma had said; her hand was clutching an ice cream cone and she'd looked out over the town square as she and her sister walked to her mother's shop.
Scott faded back into the shadows, pulling back, turning around and going back to the station. He spent the weekend half expecting her to show up at the station, ostensibly to see Ned, but really to check up on him. He spent the whole 72+ hours in tense expectation, just wondering and waiting to see how she'd show herself to him.
But she didn't. Not once.
And next thing he heard, she had a boyfriend. Tall and redheaded.
Scott said farewell to any hopes and dreams he'd once pinned on Mackenzie Clancy. He knew it was his fault; of course it was his fault, he'd done this to himself. He'd done it to them.
He'd ruined whatever chances their budding relationship had once had, yet it had never burned quite as much as the moment he saw a picture of Mackenzie with her new boyfriend; he was clinging to her, one long arm tight around her waist.
Goddamnit.
Scott hated this.
He would never admit it to anyone, but he wanted her back.
He went to dinner at the Clancy house; without even realizing it, he spent the whole evening asking about Mack, pretty much begging for details about her life. Her parents and sisters had humored him, not letting him know how clearly they saw through him. They'd been sympathetic; they'd let him know everything he needed, pleaded to hear.
And somehow, some way, more time passed.
He heard less news about Mack's life at college; but so, it seemed, did everyone else. Ned's brow started to crinkle when Scott mentioned Mack, as if he didn't know how to answer the question.
And gradually, Scott learned to not ask.
He shouldn't have stopped asking though; none of them should. They'd taken it as Mack just wanting space, but in truth, she'd been distancing herself from fear, from not knowing what to do. From needing someone to just push a little harder, she'd needed someone to make her break; break and tell people exactly what was going on.
But no one did. Everyone changed a little in college, everyone pulled away from their families, at least a little. You stopped telling your parents every little thing that happened; it was just a natural progression.
Or so everyone rationalized it.
There would come a day that everyone would wish they'd just pushed a little more. One more step.
As is always said on cheesy inspiration quotes, it's better to regret the things you've done than the ones you didn't do.
On a cold day in January, the Clancy family and their surrounding circle of friends, would learn just how true that was.
When the combination of ice and cars proved to be dangerous, nearly fatal, and Mackenzie Clancy first uttered these words out loud: I'm pregnant.