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Sheldon:
Valentine's Day 2020:
Yet again, Sheldon found himself in the car waiting for Leonard. Luckily, this time, it wasn't 104 degrees.
He texted Leonard "If you insist on making me wait, I will be forced to issue another strike. You're on strike two for the month. Are you sure you want to risk it given you will be moving out two weeks!"
Instead of texting, Leonard rang back. "Wait... late for what, where are you?"
"In your car. At the appointed time. We have a standing mid-month shopping event on the second Friday of every month. And given the new virus that is coming our way, we need to stock up."
"Sheldon! It's Valentine's Day! I am going to be taking Penny out to dinner. She's about to pick me up and I won't be taking you shopping. I thought you had an eidetic memory...how can you forget Valentine's day?"
"How can you forget mid-month shopping?" Sheldon said, annoyed.
Leonard paused and said with a discernible slyness in his voice, "Because it's a leap year, we are off a day. So we can go tomorrow!" Leonard sounded very pleased with himself, until Sheldon corrected him.
"Which is why I put FRIDAY mid-month; not a specific date." Sheldon remembered Amy's advice about compromise and offered, "Fine... If you insist... Penny can come if she holds the case of toilet paper. Also, she has to bring her own list."
"No way. Penny is not going shopping. We'll shop when we get to the new place. I'm not moving all the stuff she is likely to buy once she gets loose in a shop."
"But we need to get toilet paper and hand sanitizer before the hoarders get it."
"You, Sheldon, you are the one in California hoarding. I'm getting off the phone. We will go tomorrow. Penny's here now. "
"I have a very strict schedule, Leonard, you know that! Tomorrow is laundry day, then and... Did you just hang up on me? Of course you did." Sheldon knew Leonard would give in, he just had to be patient and wait for Leonard to come to his senses. He rolled down the window a crack to let air in.
Sheldon's next instinct was to text Amy and see what she thought of Leonard's flagrant disregard of established protocols for some socially imposed outdated ritual created by the greeting card companies to drum up sales. As he waited for her reply he smiled, remembering the day he had first "met" her virtually.
However, after 10 minutes of waiting, she still hadn't answered his texts. "I'm sure you are busy with your own shopping for the impending crisis. I myself plan to purchase a case of hand sanitizer over and above my normal supply."
No response.
"You there? This is Sheldon, by the way. I'm sure you know."
" ..."
"Are you capable of responding? I see that you have seen my messages." Sheldon wondered if he could drive Leonard's car to the police station and put out an APB for a harp-playing knitter with a fondness for 1970's television shows. He really did need to think about breaking the friendship agreement and asking for personal information.
Finally, a reply: "Yes, I have seen them. I'm just not in the mood for much talking today."
"Good thing we are texting then." Sheldon texted and then waited for an LOL. Nothing. He wrote back, "Have you some sort of gastronomical intestinal distress after your ill-thought culinary adventure of Korean and Mexican Fusion for your lunch break. I heard Sombrero del Seoul is not that good, frankly."
"No, it's the not the food. It's Valentine's Day. I just never thought of this holiday before. Now, it's like there are hearts everywhere, cheap chocolate and I can't go to the store without seeing roses and red balloons."
"You should be seeing a case of toilet paper. I'm telling you, please stock up."
"Yes, I hear you on that, but I just can't deal with much today. I'm still at work and they decorated the break room with a giant anatomically correct cupid. It's frightening."
"Nothing scarier than a half-dressed child armed with a bow and arrow."
"Don't pay attention to me; it's just a lonely day."
"Again, I will say...Good thing I texted you then. Even though you shouldn't care about the silly man-made holiday anyway."
"Yes, but really aren't all holidays man-made. Anyway, I know it's a silly social construct that has no intrinsically value to me as a person and normally that is not an issue. But for some reason this year Valentine's Day seems to highlight how alone I am. Maybe I should be out there."
The next text made Sheldon sit up and nearly choke on the seat belt strangling his neck.
"I think I might be ready. I have to go on my annual date anyway to appease my mother."
"Nonsense." Sheldon wrote but Amy texted back:
"My new friends wanted to set me with their neighbor across the hall. They almost had me go over and knock on his door, but I said no."
Sheldon couldn't type fast enough, "Some strange neighbor? Who knows what kind of weirdo that person could be! Now is no time to be dipping your toes in the germy dating pool. I think I know your problem. It must be your cycle. You are off by a week."
"It's not my cycle, Sheldon! I told you, QUIT mentioning that!"
"Fine, but don't use all CAPs it hurts my ears."
"We are texting, you can't hear me, remember."
"I do. I hear every text. I memorized your voice when you called and every time I read your texts, I hear it with your particular inflections. Your tone is very distinctive. I even went back and re-read all your texts with this new knowledge. I particularly enjoyed our first sessions for the DFC club."
"I don't know what to say."
"If you like, I could write a predictive text algorithm based on your previous responses, but I would guess you might say, "That's very thoughtful, Sheldon."
"Yes, that sounds like me."
"I know."
"Thank you, Sheldon. You always make me feel better."
"Good."
Sheldon then called Amy, who picked up, "Hello. Now, I have an important question for you."
"Yes?" Amy eked out.
"Do you have an Escherichia coli in your lab?"
"Yes. Of course."
"And Acinetobacter baylyi?
"Yes, but-"
"Go get them, and put them together in a dish. Be careful, I don't want you to get sick... I'll wait."
A few minutes later Amy returned to phone. "I don't know why I am doing this, these are unremarkable bacter- Oh wait... look at that!"
"Describe it."
"It's blooming out in symmetrical patterns, like bands then and the A. Abylyi is pushing the E. Coli into a pattern. It's like-"
"Flower petals. See? You got flowers for Valentine's Day."
Amy's voice cracked when she said, "Oh Sheldon, this is so wonderful. Thank you so much!"
"Good. Now, that's done. Go wash your hands with the strongest disinfectant you can find and then let's discuss your provisions for the coming apocalypse."
Sheldon spent so long in the car chatting with Amy about disaster preparations that he forgot the time and only knew it was past his bedtime when Leonard knocked on the window.
"Forgive me Amy, my roommate is finally here so I should bid you goodbye." Sheldon then said warmly, "I hope you had a good Valentine's Day."
"Marvelous. Thank you, Sheldon." Amy hung up just as Sheldon rolled down the window to greet Leonard who had a hint of wine on his breath, and seemed to be half dressed in his underwear.
Leonard was exasperated, "Sheldon! Have you been waiting in the car this whole time?"
Sheldon was about to tell him he had forgotten the time while talking with Amy, but decided that guilt was a wonderful motivator. "Yes, I have. And I must say, this will cost you a strike! By the way, did you know the singular of confetti is confetto, which you have on your nose? Begging the question why do you have a confetto on your nose."
Leonard brushed the offending article off his face. "As you know Penny and I were going out to dinner, but there was a wait for the table, and then she said she felt old doing something so boring on Valentine's Day, so we had to prove we were young and fun. Oh. Never mind. We're going up, are you coming?"
"Yes. I better get some sleep." Sheldon exited the car and headed toward the apartment after he glanced at his watch noting the time. "Shopping tomorrow will take all day. And you owe me a big favor, Leonard. You can expect that I will collect before you move out."
"Oh man..." Leonard stomped in front of Sheldon up the stairs. His cupid costume did not cover his hind quarters enough for Sheldon's taste, so he pushed ahead on the stairs and went to bed.
#
Amy
The day after Valentine's Day, Amy felt a bit better about her silly nagging feeling of being alone. However, she continued to avoid couples and the forced social construct of romantic love, so when she received another invitation for a girl's night that Sunday, she jumped at the chance.
During her Saturday grocery shopping, she saw all the forgotten roses and left-over cards and laughed at the waste. However, half price on a box of Cadbury chocolates could not be sniffed at. She could bring the extra candy to her girl's night scheduled the next evening at a local bakery, though it seemed akin to bringing coals to Newcastle, as they say.
Sunday evening, Amy arrived on time at the Hot Crossed Buns bakery, and waited for Bernadette and the other girls to arrive. She wondered why Bernadette had picked such a location for a girl's night. The whole bakery seemed set up for a cake tasting. Maybe the girls wanted free samples, a frugal practice.
The tables displayed all types of tiered wedding cakes with sliced samples of each one. In the corner was a rather scandalous display of cakes labeled, "Bachelorette party delights." As Amy eyed the display with interest, the kind attendant asked her when her date would arrive.
Amy answered, "I think they'll be here in a few minutes, but those girls are always late."
The attendant looked confused, "Okay... More than one? That's new, but don't worry! We are an inclusive bakery who does not discriminate based on sexual orientation or um... polygamy, I guess..."
"I should hope not. But I think you should know there's an anatomically incorrect penis in the corner labeled, "This Bud's for Hank." Amy looked around for a place to sit, but the couples who had come in for the cake tasting had taken most of the open seats.
Standing in the corner of the room, she watched as the couples fed each other cake, commenting on the texture and flavor while sharing lingering looks of love. She felt what was now becoming a familiar feeling of being alone. Normally, she enjoyed her solitary lifestyle but watching the loving couples' fuss over each other made Amy feel like she was missing something.
After five pieces of cake, two of which tasted like they had anise in them, and the other three some unknown substance, she left. Neither Bernadette or Penny had arrived, but Amy couldn't stand another minute of it. She felt as if she had had a sugar overload.
In her car, she was about to text the girls that she couldn't stay any longer, but Bernadette called her instead.
"Hey girl, sorry we are late. Traffic was insane. Is it popping in there?"
"It's a little crazy. I think the favorite of the night is the lavender lemon sponge."
"I haven't heard of that striper before. Did you bring your dollars?"
"Um... I brought some rolls of nickels." Amy looked at the rolled change sticking out of her purse.
"Okay... but I doubt they will fit in their tight pants. We are parking on Colorado Blvd now. See you soon!" Colorado Blvd was nowhere near Amy's location. She looked at the invitation again. She was supposed to go to Hot Buns Strip club, not Bakery.
"I'm sorry ladies. Please include me another time. I'm just not in the mood tonight. Thank you for the invitation."
The next morning, on Sheldon's morning call, Amy felt dehydrated and loud noises made her bilious. She wished she had gone to the club with the girls, almost regretting missing out. The evening would have been fun, and in fact having a man's penis wave in her face might normally have excited her, but after seeing the fake one at the bakery, none could compare.
When she finally picked up on the fourth ring, Sheldon asked her, "Did you imbibe last night, Amy? You seem a little out of sorts."
Amy took a look at the roll of nickels sticking out her purse and said with certainty. "No, but I overdid it on cake." Amy sighed and said, "It's fine. I'm fine."
#
Sheldon:
Over the week that followed the daily check in's and the evening wrap ups continued as normal, but Amy's mind seemed distracted and when she didn't answer his trivia questions on flags, he knew something was wrong. He remembered his Meamaw used to say, "Fine is short for "Feelings Internalized Not Expressed." He always thought she meant gas.
He penned an email to her exploring the cognitive evidence of her distraction as proof she had contracted some virus. He sent a three-page medical contact history form for her to fill out but she refused based on the confidentiality clause of the Friendship agreement.
Dissatisfied with the outcome of that attempt, he needed more insight into the pesky female mind. Sheldon crossed the landing, and shaking his head at the level he had sunk to, he rapped his signature knock on 4B. Penny opened the door, trying to block his view of inside the apartment, but Sheldon smelled the distinct aroma of cardboard and packing tape.
"Oh, Sheldon... I didn't expect you to visit today."
Sheldon brushed her aside and entered the apartment, "I know all about your feeble attempts to shield my feelings about your impeding abandonment of me so you and Leonard can grow your relationship in the backwater of Alta Dena. I'm not a child, I can handle it."
Sheldon dropped onto the teal couch expecting an offer of a hot beverage, but realized that none would be forthcoming as Penny was obviously packing her dishes in the kitchen. Sheldon watched in horror as she stacked plates with cups using nothing but newspaper. The whole lot would be in pieces before the box reached the door, let alone the four floors down stairs. Though he wondered why he should be surprised when he had witnessed her poor packing skills 11 years ago.
After a slew of criticisms and advice on proper stacking, Sheldon took over the job while Penny sat on the couch drinking wine out of a Dixie cup. Since he was going to ask Penny's advice about his recent dilemma with Amy, he thought he might as well do something productive.
"I am surprised at you being so organized in packing this early. You're not moving for almost three weeks."
"Well we eat out all the time so I thought I might as well get all the unnecessary stuff out of the way." She nodded to a stack of boxes by the door.
"Are you sure you're okay with this move, Sheldon? I'm worried about you."
"I'm fine...However, I do need some advice."
"Shoot." Penny took another drink out of her paper container.
"In your estrogen-based experience... is it just during your girly cycles that women are in a state of utter confusion and moody resulting in long pauses or delayed communication, or is it a permanent state?"
"We are never confused. We know exactly why we are upset. We just edit everything for you guys since you're swimming in a sea of testosterone and can't multitask nor use your Pary light lobes and insulta."
"That's parietal lobe and insula." Sheldon stopped and turned to Penny who had a smug expression on her face. "Where did you learn about neuroscience?"
"A new friend Bernie introduced me to. And...seeing as you can't pack and talk, I guess my new friend was right. Anyway, to answer your question, what's gonna on with your mystery girlfriend? Getting no love, huh?" Penny chuckled to herself.
"Nah... I get plenty of that. It's scheduled once a week and-"
Penny spit out her wine, "I'm sorry? What?"
"Oh, yes. We have been virtually sexually active for about a month now. It's just lately, during our normal correspondence, she's not as, how should I say, bubbly, on our calls."
"Calls? Sex calls? Does she charge you per minute?"
Sheldon rolled his eyes and started to the door, "Clearly, I came to the wrong person for advice. I'll leave you to this task-"
Penny rose off the couch to block Sheldon. "Let's put a pin in the sex calls but I still have to ask, are you sure she's a woman and not some Russian bot or something?"
"Unless he is very good at modulating his voice to the higher pitch of 160-300 hertz, she is a woman. Also, given her monthly melancholy, I'm sure of it. This brings me back to my original point. How do I get her out of this funk?"
"What does she say?"
"That's the problem, she doesn't say. She only states everything is fine."
"Oh no... Fine is never fine, Sheldon." Penny smirked.
Sheldon remembered he had just said he was fine with their move. He wasn't fine. Not in the least, but he wasn't going to let them know that.
"As you well know..." Penny continued, "That's a red flag! How long has she been like this?"
"Just this week, but I worry it's going to be a problem. She canceled our sing-a-long night this week, complaining she couldn't get the strings for her harp."
Penny curled up her legs on the couch and hugged her wine as she thought through the problem, "You don't see each other, but basically are dating... Usually it's because a girl is not being satisfied, but clearly that's happening, as weird as it is... Um..." Penny snapped her fingers and said with a huge smile, "You need to ask her on a real date! Take her to dinner, a movie, you know."
"A real date, as you state, is out of the question."
"Sheldon, are you afraid to meet her in person?
"Not at all, but she is against personal communication of any kind." Sheldon had wondered if perhaps it was time to suggest a more personal meeting, but not while she was moody. He didn't want to risk getting hit in the face with a purse – even virtually. However, Penny did have a good idea.
"I think I have a way to have this date of yours and still keep within the parameters of the relationship agreement. Thank you, Penny. You've been very helpful." Sheldon handed Penny the tape and left the apartment but not before she called out to him:
"You know, I got a big drawer of kitchen gadgets just itching to be organized, Sheldon."
"No thanks. I don't need to see anymore spatulas used only for fried pickles or some such nonsense. I got a date to plan." Sheldon waved goodbye and headed straight to 4A to write Amy an email.
#
Amy:
During the girl's night a week ago, Amy had sat and listened to the girls talk about their significant others and she had begun to feel an odd hollowness in her own reassurances that she was fine with being alone and she realized one only notices loneliness when you're surrounded by people.
Amy had been rather quiet on the calls with Sheldon over the week that had followed, not because she didn't enjoy his company, quite the opposite, talking with Sheldon was the only time she didn't feel alone. However, she knew that this was going to be a hard month with Sheldon's roommate moving out, and she wanted to keep their correspondence light and fun, but the more she tried, the harder it was.
Driving from work one night she decided to go to a local Italian restaurant and treat herself to her favorite food, instead of getting take-out and eating at home.
The Olive Garden hostess looked at Amy, and then behind to see if there was anyone else, "Party of one?" She asked, judgmentally, which did nothing to improve Amy's mood.
"Yes, is that okay with you?"
"Why of course. I have just the table." The hostess gave a short, fake smile and proceeded to seat Amy at a table near the kitchen's swinging door. Every time wait staff entered or exited, the door banged against her table. However, the location was perfect; away from the hordes of families and couples enjoying dinner together.
As Amy waited for her chicken carbonara, she checked her email from Sheldon. "Dear Amy, I know the friendship contract doesn't permit personal contact, and I am in agreement on this point. I realize personal contact would hinder our relationship by putting undue expectations on our physical proximity."
The waitress brought out the food, and as Amy twirled the pasta on her fork, she continued reading, "However, I have a proposal that I thought you might find intriguing."
Sheldon suggested they see a movie at the same time, and then call each other afterwards to discuss the film. The thoughtful gesture warmed Amy, as much as the bread in front of her, and just as other couples would negotiate over dinner, Amy and Sheldon did the same but virtually. After a slew of emails back and forth in which she insisted she would not see a Star Wars movie and Sheldon refused to see Little Women, they agreed on a science documentary which was playing at a few select theaters. Amy felt so elated by the prospect, she splurged and ordered a dessert.
The next week, Amy went to a theatre near UCLA after work. She purchased her ticket, and then approached the concession counter.
"I would like some Jujubes, please."
"Look lady, I don't know what that is, and like I told the last guy… I don't have any." The attendant seemed irked over such a simple request for candy so Amy shrugged and purchased a box of Milk Duds instead.
She entered the darkened theater with a few minutes to spare before the film started. She had her pick of seats, though the best ones in the house were occupied by two men. The taller man had a crisp haircut and the shorter gentleman had on a hoodie and a jacket. Amy noticed that the taller man's phone was glowing and she hoped he didn't plan on being on the phone the whole time. However, just as the film was about to start, he put his phone away and shushed his friend who was about to speak.
She heard a text alert from Sheldon but decided to wait until after the film to read it and popped a Milk Dud into her mouth.
Amy watched the film and made mental notes to discuss with Sheldon later. During the credits, she decided to read the text she had received earlier from Sheldon.
"I hope you purchased the jujubes I recommended. Unfortunately, my theater was out and I will pen a strongly worded letter to management."
Amy stood up and followed the other patrons including the tall man with the nifty haircut. He had such a cute behind; she dropped her phone as she watched his marvelous gluteus maximus jiggle in front of her.
She was so distracted by the sight that she forgot her purse and had to run back just before they closed the doors for the night.
She texted Sheldon: "Unfortunately, the theater I attended didn't have any either; however, I settled on Milk Duds and was just as happy." She went to her car and spent an hour in the parking lot texting with Sheldon about the film before driving home.
After she crawled into bed, she hugged her pillow and whispered softly to it, as if would answer, "Good night, Sheldon." She drifted off to sleep.
If you can read this, Please leave a review. Anything telling me you can see this. I will be posting regularly here and A03. Fan Fiction . net has yet to respond to the numerous bug reports from everyone, not just me. Again, I am sorry to keep you from your story. I will do what I can to get this to you guys. I HATE when authors leave work undone. I wont leave you hanging.