Three Hundred and Sixty Three.
The Order of Steve gathers to lay Pantsu to rest. Even Iruka is present, propped up by a few other members of the Order. Burifu stands safely between Arashi, Shisui, Neji and Naruto. They do not want her to be kidnapped by members of the Order. The Order is still not sold on the idea of Arashi leading them, even though Steve himself supports the idea. Burifu clings to Arashi, sniffing miserably.
They lower Pantsu's body into the grave. He is simply wrapped in a tye-dyed shroud and covered with flowers and smokable plants.
"Do you want to say anything?" one of the Priests asks Burifu gently.
Burifu nods and dries her tears. She walks to the edge of the grave, picks up a handful of dirt and says, "He died the same way he lived, smockin' weird stuff, eh." Then she drops the dirt into the grave and scurries back to Arashi. Arashi puts his arm around her. Poor little kid.
One by one, the members of the Order go up to the grave, throw in some earth and say something about the old man. When everyone is done, the priests finish filling in the grave. Then they all head back to the camp and sit in the grass quietly. There is no party that day. The Order of Steve simply sits or lies in the grass contemplating life and death. The conversation gets very deep and existential before they pull out the weed and start smoking. Then it starts to get whacky, before everyone passes out except Arashi, Neji, Naruto, Burifu, Shisui and Iruka. The children of the Order of Steve pass out from tiredness rather than from being high.
"Let's go," says Arashi. "I think this funeral is over."
They trek into Naruto's house feeling down. Neji wonders how Pantsu managed to live as long as he did. Neji's Dad is there, waiting for him. Iruka collapses onto the couch beside Mei, sighing. His burns are bandaged up, but that does not make them any less painful. Arashi sits down and Burifu climbs on to his lap. Neji thinks it's cute how she attached herself to Naruto's Grandpa.
"How did you all meet old Pantsu, anyway?" asks Kohari, who is playing shogi with Kazama.
"We were on a mission," says Naruto, plonking himself down beside Neji. "Might as well show you. Flashback no jutsu!"
Shisui sighs and settles into a chair to listen to the flashback. Iruka's parents are very interested in the tour of the Whirlpool Temples, but when they get to the part where Order of Joe turns up, Ikkaku goes white and Kohari goes red. Kushina goes very, very quiet. Minato's grin vanishes.
"What?" asks Mei. "Is there something about the Temple of Joe that the rest of us don't know?"
Iruka sighs and says, "Joe loves children - which is partly why he was delegated to the Level Two Test. If two people of the opposite sex who are past the stage of puberty that makes them capable of creating children enter the Temple of Joe together they will have sex. There is a five minute grace period where you can leave, but if you stay past that something in the air makes you unable to resist each other."
"Really?" says Mei. "But we weren't even in there half a minute before…"
"It never had a chance to kick in," interrupts Iruka, blushing. "The five minutes is so that people who are related can get out incase they go in at the same time by accident. Or if a parent goes in with their child and doesn't realize their kid is that far through puberty…"
"There is another thing that you don't seem to know," says Ikkaku. "The Temple of Joe is...well...a 100% cure for infertility. If a man and a woman do the...you know… in the Temple she WILL get pregnant. Infertile? Doesn't matter. No ovaries? They'll grow back. Eunic? Not any more. Too old for babies? Not on Joe's watch. Get the idea?"
"Yeah," says Mei. "So Namiko might not have existed if she wasn't conceived in the Temple of Joe?"
"Exactly," says Kushina, grimly. "The Order of Joe is, as you know, obsessed with sex. That is because Joe is obsessed with babies - and we all know where babies come from. By inviting you into the Temple of Joe, they knew EXACTLY what they were doing."
Neji's father stands. "Where is the Order of Joe? I'm going to kill them for threatening Neji like that."
"I'll take you there," says Kushina, standing. "I need to have a word with those depraved *********s."
"I'm right with you," says Minato, standing.
"We will have to finish our game later," says Kohari, getting up. "I need to kill some people."
"Make them suffer," says Kazama supportively.
"How long will it take us to get there?" asks Ikkaku, rising from his chair.
"The quicker the better," says Mei. "Only I get to screw Iruka."
"I left a hiraishin seal in the Whirlpool last time I was there," says Minato. "I can feel it still. Grab onto me."
They do so, a moment later, Mei, Iruka's Parents, Naruto's Parents and Neji's dad vanish.
"Um…" says Neji. "Are they going to kill…"
"The entire Order of Joe?" finishes Iruka. "Probably."
Tachibana Uzumaki hides from the rest of the Order of Joe. Their chakras blaze around him like small fires and, even though he is blind, he can see them clearly. They will not find him, they cannot find him. If they find him, they will take him to the Temple of Joe and initiate him into the Order. Tachibana does not want to be initiated, so he hides in the bushes. If only he would die before they find him.
Then Tachibana feels some chakra signatures heading towards the Order. They feel angry. They have come to kill. Maybe they will save him.
"Alright, which of you lot are the ones who threatened our kids?" demands a man, his voice carrying clearly to Tachibana's hiding place.
"Who the hell are you?" demands one of the leaders.
"Minato Namikaze," says the man. "Your people threatened my son, their son, his son and her boyfriend, and also my father and my wife's best friend's daughter's boyfriend."
"Oh! You mean the group that killed Sasori. We merely wanted to initiate them into the Order."
Not initiation. Initiation means...Tachibana shudders, thinking about what will happen if they find him and take him into the Temple of Joe. He will have no choice but to be initiated and the Temple will make him want it.
"I am well aware," says the man. "That is why you are all going to die."
The Leader laughs but not for long. His laughter goes quiet and the man's chakra vanishes and reappears behind the leader. An instant later, the leader's chakra vanishes and he dies.
Fighting breaks out. One by one, the members of the Order are snuffed out. Their chakra vanishes as the intruders kill them swiftly and mercilessly. Taking advantage of the chaos, Tachibana sneaks through the bushes to where the other four children of the Order are. They are terrified, so he hugs them tight.
Finally, it is over. Only the intruders are left. They are all unharmed, Tachibana can tell. Then they turn their attention to the children.
"These ones are just scared kids," says one of the women. "We won't kill them. It's not their fault they were born into this cult."
"Not kill us?" says one of the other children, a lame girl named Sekitei. "Then have you come to rescue us?"
"R-rescue?" says the other woman, surprised. "Then you are not happy here?"
"No!" says Tachibana, shaking his head. "I'm old enough...so they were going to initiate me...but I didn't want to…" he starts crying.
"How old are you?" asks the first woman kindly.
"12," says Tachibana.
"They are worse than I thought," mutters one of the men who has not spoken yet.
"How depraved can you get?" asks the other man.
"There's a baby here," says Minato, the one who killed the both Leaders. He picks up the baby. "How has she survived this long being so malnourished?"
"She can't eat properly," says Sekitei, who always talks when she is nervous, upset or happy. "Because of her catlip. But we all have Joe's protection until we can have babies, so she won't die until then. Her mother is my mother's mother, and she's probably also my sister because her mother and my mother were always doing it with the same guy, and Tachibana's mother did it with all the men, so he could be anyone's son, and the twins are probably the Leader's, but their mother is Tachibana's mother's sister's daughter, and-"
"Stop right there," says the second woman to speak. "We don't need to know all the gritty details. Let's get you kids back to the Hidden Leaf. What are your names?"
"I'm Tachibana," says Tachibana.
"I'm Sekitei," says Sekitei. "The baby's name in Ajisai."
"I'm Sazanka," says the twin on the left.
"I'm Yatsude," says the twin on the right.
"My name is Kushina," says the woman who spoke first.
"I'm Kohari," says the woman who spoke second.
"I am Ikkaku," says the man who spoke last.
"And I'm Hizashi," says the other man. He wraps something warm around Tachibana. "Let's go."