Anko Mitarashi is cheerfully minding her own business at a sweet shop when a noisy family of five turns up. Normally, Anko would ignore them and carry on eating her dango, but she recognizes one of them as Sei, the Nine Tails Guard.
"Hey!" says Anko, throwing her empty dango stick at Sei.
Sei catches it between two fingers. "Hello, Anko," he says, unsurprised.
"I didn't know you had kids," says Anko, grinning. "Bunch a little s***s, are they?"
"No," says Sei, nonplussed. "And I will thank you not to swear in front of my children."
"Eh, whatever," says Anko, shrugging. Then she asks, "Is something going on at the Uzumaki house? It was noisy as f*** when I walked past earlier."
"Jiraiya's kid is having a birthday party," explains Sei mildly. "She lives with the Fourth's parents."
Anko laughs. "Who's the hoe that let Jiraiya knock her up?"
Sei gives Anko this look. It's almost sassy. "Orochimaru," he says, stone faced.
Anko drops her dango. "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!"
Everyone in the sweet shop turns to glare at Anko like she is crazy. She can feel them judging her and wondering what she's been taking now. Anko ignores them because there is a more pressing issue to deal with. "What do you mean 'Orochimaru'?" she demands. "Last time I checked, he was a f***ing man!"
"Orochimaru invented a jutsu that allowed him to transfer his soul into another body and lengthen his lifespan indefinitely," explains Sei, calmly. "He transferred his soul into a female body and, because he is a scientist who likes to experiment his first thought as a woman was 'I wonder if I can get pregnant?' So he found Jiaraiya and did just that. Now that Orochimaru is dead, his daughter lives with Arashi and Kazama because Jiraiya can't take her on his exploits. Her name is Kimiko."
Anko stares at Sei. "I knew Orochimaru was wierd but, damn."
The sweet shop just about explodes with noise as the other customers start discussing what just happened. Someone pays their bill and runs out of the shop.
"The whole village is gonna know by the end of the day," says Sei, and picks up his menu. "What would you all like?" he asks his kids.
"Sei!" says Sei's wife, astonished. "What did you just do?"
"Never mind them," says Sei calmly. "The story would've got out eventually anyway. This is the way of things in the Leaf. You'll get used to it."
Anko looks at her half empty plate of dango and has a sudden desire to drown her sorrows in ramen while venting to Ichiraku about the situation.
Madara takes the twins to the nearest park like Tsunade advised him to. Yatsude and Sazanka run around the grassy park like wild things. They fall over more often than a toddler learning to walk. Madara finds a park bench to sit on and takes Ajisai out of her sling. "Give it a year or two and you can run around with them," he tells her.
"What a sweet baby," says a woman, stopping to make a fuss of Ajisai. "How old is she? Is she yours? She doesn't look like you."
Madara sighs internally. Hopefully he can get rid of this woman soon. The woman has a baby of her own sitting on her hip. "I'm fostering her," he says, ignoring all the woman's other questions.
"Oh, I see," says the woman, sitting down beside Madara, which annoys him. "Well I have children of my own, so let me give you some advice."
"I assure you, I don't need any," says Madara, scooting over slightly.
The woman takes that as an invitation to dump her brat in the empty space. "You need to make sure she sleeps several times a day, and that she eats regularly. You need to make a proper schedule for when she will eat and sleep and play, and stick to it."
Madara looks down at Ajisai, and she stares back at him, contentedly sucking her thumb. "When she needs food, she gets it. When she needs sleep, she sleeps," he says. "And who the f*** schedules play time for their kids?"
"Oh, you shouldn't let her suck her thumb!" says the woman, sounding a little offended. "Her teeth will grow in crooked!"
"She's a newborn. She doesn't have teeth." Who is this woman?
"But still," insists the woman. "You'd better nip that habit in the bud. And don't hold her too much, she'll grow up into a cry baby with attachment issues. And you really shouldn't be carrying her around in a sling. She'll suffocate."
"Shut up, woman," growls Madara, beginning to feel angry. He didn't get many hugs, and look how he turned out. "I practically raised my four younger brothers, I know what I'm doing!" He hugged them plenty, and they were strong - until they met enemies that were stronger.
"Hmph, well, looking after little brothers is a bit different to raising a baby girl," says the woman, sticking her nose in the air. "It takes a woman's touch to properly raise a baby. Do you have a wife?"
Madara glares at the woman, rinnegan spinning. "WOMAN, SHUT UP!" he snaps. He doesn't need a wife! He's Madara friggin Uchiha!
"Rude!" says the woman, offended. "I am just trying to help."
"My life is none of your DAMN business!" Madara tells her, standing up and tucking Ajisai back into her sling. "Sazanka! Yatsude!" he calls to the twins.
They come running. "Yes Uncle Madara?"
"We are leaving," says Madara. "This woman is annoying me, and I am not allowed to kill anyone."
"Okay," says Yatsude, grinning up at Madara, his face positively glowing. Madara is not quite sure why the kid is hero-worshipping him, but oh well. At least he's walking now. Yatsude slips his hand into Madara's.
"Yes Uncle Madara," says Sazanka, slipping his hand into Madara's other hand.
Madara's shinobi senses go haywire. Must have one hand free at all times in case of an attack. But if he lets their hands go, who knows where they will run off to. Madara suppresses his shinobi paranoia and walks out of the park as regally as he can. That woman can go - Madara stops that thought right there. Who knows if these kids are mind readers?
Madara wonders what to do next. The twins are still full of energy.
"I want to explore!" says Sazanka.
"Alright then," says Madara. Problem solved. Madara wanders around the village with the twins for a while. People are discussing the latest rumour: Orochimaru turning himself into a woman and having Jiraiya's baby. After about twenty minutes of walking around looking in shop windows, the twins start dragging their feet.
"I'm hungry!" complains Sazanka.
"I'm tired!" whines Yatsude.
"Gah!" says Ajisai, frowning and sticking her whole fist in her mouth.
Madara glares at her. "Don't you go complaining you need to use the toilet. You have a perfectly good nappy." Madara looks around for a cafe or restaurant of some kind. He sees a ramen shop nearby. "Let's go and get some ramen, boys."
"What's ramen?" asks Sazanka.
"You'll see," says Madara. He is about to change these kids' lives.
Madara takes them to the ramen place. It's called Ichiraku Ramen. There is a young woman there drowning her sorrows in ramen. Ignoring her, Madara settles the twins on bar stools and sits between them so he can make sure they both eat properly. He orders shio ramen for himself and miso for the twins.
Ajisai starts fussing the way she does when she is starting to get hungry, so Madara pulls out a pre-prepared bottle and heats it up on his hand with chakra. Then he gives the bottle a good shake and sticks it in Ajisai's mouth. She drinks happily and somewhat noisily.
"Cute baby," says the young woman, leaning over Sazanka to get a better look. "Hey, Ayame, come see this baby."
The ramen guy's assistant leans over the counter to look at Ajisai. "Awww!" the girl coos, her eyes practically turning into love hearts. "She's so cute!"
"She's very sweet," says the ramen guy, having a look himself. "I take it you are Madara Uchiha, and these are three of the children you are looking after?"
"Er, yes," says Madara, taken aback. "How did you guess?"
"Naruto and his family come here all the time," says the ramen man. "I'm Teuchi Ichiraku, and this is my daughter, Ayame. What are you two boys called?"
"I'm Sazanka," says the child of that name.
"I'm Yatsude," sniffs Yatsude. "My legs hurt. Uncle Madara, I don't want to walk anymore."
"Tough," says Madara.
"Have some ramen," says Teuchi, smiling. "It will make you feel better."
"What's your name, Auntie?" asks Sazanka, staring at the woman sitting next to him. (Staring at her is what Madara is trying not to do. She's dressed rather...sexy.)
"I'm Anko Mitarashi," says the young woman, reaching over and tousling Sazanka's hair.
Anko, huh? Madara glances sidelong at Anko. She looks insane.