Three Hundred and Thirty One
Kurama is a bit bored. He's been roughing it in the forest for the last couple of weeks teaching the humans the basics of ninshuu. Now he wants an adventure, so he is making a beeline for the nearest village with a potential C Rank mission. Well, C Rank by Hidden Leaf standards. So A Rank.
There is a village where people have been vanishing, so Kurama is going to check it out. His sidekicks don't know that. They think that he is just sick of roughing it.
They arrive at the village early one morning and find people panicking.
Kurama, who knows exactly what the problem probably is, pretends not to know. He grabs a random human and asks, "What's going on here?"
The human says, "People have been disappearing lately. We think there's a ghost or something haunting the river."
"A ghost, you say," says Kurama, grinning. Then he turns to his sidekicks and says, "Let's kill it."
Their faces are priceless. So is the human he grabbed's face.
"But we've had hardly any training!" protests Fukuro.
"Exactly," says Kurama. "Perfect time for a C Rank."
"But all we've done is get pushed over waterfalls and cliffs and sit down in the grass holding hands and sharing our chakra," says Kon.
"Exactly!" says Kurama. "That's enough training to handle a C Rank."
"Um…" says the human. "Who are you people?"
"I'm Kurama," says the Mighty Nine Tails. (No need to scare the human). "These two are my sidekicks, Scaredy Cat and Pussy Ass."
"But that's not our names!" protests Kon.
"Am I Scaredy Cat or Pussy Ass?" asks Fukuro, sighing in resignation.
"Scaredy Cat," says Kurama.
"Then makes me…" Kon crouches down on the grass and sulks, with a black cloud of depression hanging over his head.
"Who are these outsiders?" demands another human, marching over and trying to look intimidating.
Kurama is not intimidated. He can look more intimidating when he yawns. To their credit, his sidekicks are not intimidated either.
"We are here to kill the whatsit that's stealing people," says Kurama. "Mostly for the fun of it."
"FUN? FUN?" yells the human. "PEOPLE ARE DISAPPEARING AND YOU'RE CALLING IT FUN!?"
Kurama shrugs. "It'll be fun to stop it."
The humans are gobsmacked.
"Where do the missing humans go?" Kurama asks.
"They are taken to the river," replies the first human. "But we never even find a body."
"I'll be back in a minute," says Kurama. "Come Sidekicks! Let's go kill this thing." Kurama leads his Sidekicks through the treetops. They can actually jump through trees now.
When they arrive at the river, Kurama sees the same mermaid from the Gravity Fails Zoo sitting beside a large rock. On that rock is a small child, tied up up and lying on a platter made of rushes. The mermaid has a big, white serviette tied around her neck. The child is crying while the mermaid shakes salt from an oversized salt shaker onto it. Then the mermaid sets the salt shaker down and picks up a comically large knife and fork. She delicately sticks the fork into the child's arm and starts slowly cutting like some kind of cartoon character.
Kurama leaps down from the trees and flying-kicks the mermaid into the river. Kon and Fukuro grab the kid. Fukuro takes off her backpack and starts digging around in it. She pulls out a knife, a bandage and a blanket. She cuts the ropes with the knife, bandages the kid's injuries and wraps it in the blanket.
The mermaid rises out of the river, all grumpy and ready for a fight. "That's my food, find your own."
The kid cries louder.
"They don't eat small children, and I don't eat," says Kurama. "What are you doing outside of Gravity Fails Zoo?"
"I escaped," says the mermaid. "I'm looking for a creature called Zetsu. He was totally into me, but I turned him down because you shouldn't date your food. But then I thought about it, and I think I'd like it if I got a baby off him then ate him, black widow spider style."
"Zetsu is dead," says Kurama, crossing his arms.
"Oh my," says the mermaid. "That is unfortunate. Now give me back my dinner."
"Hmm...no," says Kurama, and blasts her with a tailed beast bomb. The mermaid turns to dust. "Well, that wasn't as much fun as I expected."
It's been about a month since the truce, and Hashirama thinks he had better go and see how Madara is doing. As far as he knows, Madara is teaching at the Academy. Hashirama tells Tobirama he's going to pay Madara a visit.
Aki, who is sitting beside Tobirama playing with her kitten, says, "Can I come too?"
Hashirama was not expecting that question at all. "Um…"
"Go on, take her," says Tobirama.
"Okay then," says Hashirama, shrugging. "Come on Aki." Aki jumps up and follows Hashirama through town to the house where Madara is living.
When they arrive, Hashirama knocks on the door while Aki bounces excitedly beside him.
A little boy, about six years old, with scraggly red hair down to his shoulders, answers the door. "Yes?" says the boy.
"Um...is this the right house?" says Hashirama, stupidly.
"Who are you looking for?" asks the boy. "Hi Aki."
"Hi Yatsude!" says Aki, grinning. "This is my undead Grandpa."
"I'm looking for Madara?" says Hashirama.
"Oh," says the boy. Then he yells over his shoulder, "UNCLE MADARA, THERE'S A MAN HERE LOOKING FOR YOU!"
"WHAT'S HIS NAME?" Madara's voice floats back from inside the house.
"What's your name?" asks Yatsude.
"Hashirama," says Hashirama.
"HE SAYS IT'S HASHIRAMA!" yells the boy.
"TELL HIM TO F*** OFF!" yells Madara.
"He's says to f*** off," says Yatsude.
"Oh, but I wanted to play," says Aki sadly.
"AKI IS HERE WITH HIM, AND SHE WANTS TO PLAY!" yells Yatsude.
"SHE CAN COME IN," yells Madara.
Hashirama sighs, pushes Yatsude out of the way and walks right in. Aki follows along behind, grinning. Hashirama enters the house to find himself in a kitchen/dining area. Madara is standing at the table with a little girl standing on a chair beside him. They are mixing a cake batter. Both have flour in their hair and cocoa down their fronts. The little girl is wearing a pink apron, and Madara is wearing a red apron.
"I thought I told you to f*** off," says Madara.
Hashirama feels very depressed and droops sadly.
"Oi, none of your weird mood swings!" snaps Madara.
The little girl giggles. "Uncle Madara, is that weird man your friend?"
Hashirama perks up instantly and says, "We're best friends!"
"Whatever helps you sleep at night," says Madara.
Hashirama feels like he was stabbed in the heart. He sits down on the floor and hugs his knees, a black cloud hanging over his head. "But we've been friends since we were kids…"
Another little boy, exactly identical to the one who answered the door, wanders in with a baby in his arms. Hashirama's eyes light up. "Oooh, a baby!" he goes to touch her, but then Madara snatches her out of his reach.
"You keep your hands off my baby," snaps Madara. "I don't want you getting your stupidity all over her."
Hashirama feels depressed again. Then he realizes something. "Hey, how come no one told me you were looking after a bunch of kids?"
"Because it's none of your business," says Madara, glaring at Hashirama.
"But, you, looking after four kids…?"
"Five," corrects Madara. "The eldest is training with the Inuzukas."
Hashirama is gobsmacked.
"Come on, let's play Keep the Paper Bomb off the ground," says Aki, dragging the twins outside. "You come when you're finished baking, Sekitei!"
"Okay!" says the little girl at the table, who is now pouring the cake mixture into a cake tin.