Four-eyes,
I feel so fucking stupid writing this. You're already dead but I'm writing a fucking letter to you. Who's going to read this, anyway? Definitely not me. So, nobody will read this but why the hell am I still writing?
You have no idea how quiet this place is now. I got used to the noise of this place so much that the silence is an... I don't even know how to describe it. Do you have any idea how many times I heard your voice through these halls? You know what, don't answer that. It's so fucking embarrassing because that's impossible to happen.
My hair got long, it's almost to my chin now. And I grew a beard. What the fuck, right? Levi – a clean freak midget who can't even bear the sight of a single dust particle – let his hair and facial hair grow. It actually disgusts me, this excessive hair on my body, so I just avoid passing every mirror in this godforsaken place.
Who would've thought, huh? Did you ever imagine me with a beard or with long hair? You probably did; your mind is one hell of a labyrinthine maze that never stops working and growing, always thinking about every fucking possibility about every fucking thing that surrounds you. You must've thought about how I would look like, at one point, with annoying long hair with this scratchy beard on my face. I wonder if you would like what you'll see right now. Would you find me revolting? Maybe not, but most people nowadays do.
Were you watching us this whole time? I hope you did. You should've seen the way I kicked that monkey's ass. He was so fucking scared, I think he pissed his pants before I sliced his head off. That was so fucking satisfying, I almost burst out laughing while his blood was dripping from my blade.
Everybody went on their own way now. I have no idea where they are now, honestly. Maybe they told me at one point? I'm not sure, but you probably know. One thing's clear for me, though: I'm all alone in this fucking castle and, everywhere I go, I get reminded of everything.
Have you met everybody? Have you met Eyebrows and Shadis? You probably met my squad and your squad already. Are you having fun? You probably cheered us on during that gruesome battle against the Rumbling and I can almost imagine you screaming for us, yelling out strategies and encouragements there in the afterlife with them.
Did you meet my mom? How is she? Did she ask for me? What did she say about me? If this shit ever reaches you, would you mind asking her if she's proud of me?
Who am I kidding. I know nobody can or will read this letter.
Your office is a fucking mess, four-eyes. There's a mess of books and papers and so many other trinkets on the floor, it's like navigating through a landmine. What the hell is this sparkling thing at you desk? What's that weird, colorful ornament that you hung by the window? Is that a pile of clothes that's sitting by the corner of the room?
And don't even get me started on your desk. Your papers are so messy and disorganized that it took me nearly three days to tidy it up. You have a pending request from the MPs, I read, and a list of recruits waiting for your approval. Did you know that they dissolved the Survey Corps? The need to scout no longer exists, they claim, that's why they decreed that the remaining soldiers of the Survey Corps would be 'absorbed' by the MPs and Garrison. Like that even matters anymore.
You even made a grocery list. What the hell? You even put 'tea' on the list. Were you keeping track of my tea rations? You know what? I don't care.
Want to know something? I can actually hear you everywhere I go in this fucking place. I can hear your sing-song voice calling my name in the halls. I can hear your excited screams when I linger in the courtyard. I can almost hear your whispers as I laid on my bed at night and stared unblinking at the ceiling. Is it my mind trying to fill in the maddening silence of this place? Maybe, but I'm not sure. Between the two of us, you're the genius. You probably know the answer.
On our last night in Odiha, you asked to hold my hand. Did I grant your request? I can't actually remember, but I know I thought you were crazy that time. If only I held your hand, maybe I could've committed your warmth to memory. I never knew how much pain and suffering you were going through and, looking back, I can't stop myself from wondering. Could I have done something more for you? Is there any way, anything, that I could have done to ease the burden that's resting heavily on your shoulder? You showed me your vulnerable side, I know you better than anyone else and, yet, there's still so many things that I don't know about you. So many things, that I could have spend a lifetime just asking you about them.
You always told me that you're 'fine', that you're 'alright', that 'it doesn't matter'. I know they're lies – I know you better than anyone else, after all – but you still did your best to make them the truth. You said those things to encourage me, to keep me going and to help me reach our common goal. You stayed by my side, risked your life for me numerous times and continued to move forward, even though it's very obvious that you're exhausted and bone-weary.
And, now, I'm wondering if at the time our hands slowly grazed and intertwined, the same way that lovers do, did you want to tell me something? Did I ease the pain that you're feeling, even for a split second? Did it cross your mind to run away from this cursed reality again? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I'll stop writing now, four-eyes. This paper is getting wet and I have no fucking idea why.
Levi stared at the paper, now drenched in his tears as he let the quill slip from his grasp and fall to the floor. He studied it for a moment longer, then crumpled the paper with an angry fist. Hissing in frustration, he flung the paper towards the fireplace, watching as the flames lick the old parchment, reducing the letter into a small pile of ashes. He swiped his sleeve on his face violently, wiping away the tears that still fell from his eyes and stood up abruptly, the chair toppling over at the force of his movement. He walked out of the Commander's office without looking back.
A/N: i am so sorry if there's so many errors in this one and doesnt make much sense! i have not proofread it because i got lazy XD