"What the hell do you Leaf ninjas feed your genin?" demands the Raikage as his ninjas lose the second match.
"Ramen, mostly," says Iruka. "Arguably the best ramen in the world, but ramen."
"And now," announces Rain, thoroughly enjoying himself. "The Third Match! Suigetsu Hozuki VS Haku of the Ice style! Folks, this battle will not be over in a second, I can promise you that! Round Three: BEGIN!"
Nagato manages to look past Killer B's hair to catch a glimpse of Zabuza's apprentices. This match is gonna be good.
Nagato opens his mouth to cheer for one of the contestants and stops. Who should he cheer for?
Haku starts throwing needles at Suigetsu, who turns into a puddle to avoid them. Haku simply turns the puddle to ice, which annoys Suigetsu. Suigetsu turns back to normal and glares frostily at Haku.
Nagato starts tugging at his hair, trying to figure out who he should cheer for. Haku is so sweet and so strong, but Suigetsu is turning into a real powerhouse and should be encouraged. He wants to cheer for both, but he has to choose one.
Suigetsu pulls out the Executioner's blade, and charges Haku, who promptly imprisons him in a dome of mirrors. Suigetsu escapes much easier than Nagato expected him to, making Nagato want to cheer him on. Nagato stops right as the cheer is about to pass his lips because he remembers he also wants Haku to win.
The fight and Nagato's internal struggle go on for about 10 more minutes before Haku finally lands a blow with an ice shard that immobilizes Suigetsu.
"Haku wins!" declares Rain.
Nagato finally realizes that he could've cheered them both on.
The next match poses no such problem. "Now for the fourth and final match: Namiko Terumi VS Tenten Senju! Begin!"
Namiko and Tenten stare each other down for a few seconds. A certain section of the audience erupts in cheers of "Kick her ass, Namiko!"
Nagato joins in these cheers without any moral compromises.
Namiko pulls out her war fans and activates the seals on them. One seal allows her to control water without hand signs, and the other allows her to control fire without hand signs. Tenten pulls out her scrolls of weapons and launches about ten at Namiko. Namiko deflects them with her water and fire jutsu.
Tenten pulls out more weapons and throws them; Namiko dances around and deflects them with her war fans, and the water and fire she controls with the fans. Eventually, one of Tenten's weapons knocks Namiko to the ground, making her drop her fans. Tenten kicks them away from her and pulls out yet another weapon - this time a pair of nunchucks. Namiko leaps to her feet and starts weaving hand signs. Tenten charges.
"Hidden Mist Jutsu," says Namiko, and the arena fills with thick mist. Then there is a clang, and the mist clears revealing Tenten lying facedown on the ground. Namiko is standing over her with a frying pan in her hands.
"Namiko wins by knockout!" declares Rain. "And that concludes the first round. Ladies and gentlemen, we will now have a fifteen minute break so you can use the bathroom and top up your popcorn and drinks before the next round of kids beating eachother up for your entertainment!"
"Mizukage," says the Raikage. "Why the hell did your brat hit that kid with a frying pan of all things?"
"It must be her Whirlpool blood showing through," sighs Mei. "I don't know how I'm going to handle it if this baby chases a random animal around the village in order to cook and eat it as well…"
"As well?" demands the Raikage. "What do you mean 'as well'?"
"Namiko did it," says Mei.
"..."
"Don't ask," says Nagato. "Trust me."
Wisely, the Raikage does not ask.
Soon, the semi-finals begin, and Rain whips everyone into a frenzy of excitement before announcing, "Neji Hyuuga VS Rock Lee. Begin!"
Neji and Lee charge at each other, exchanging blow for blow; two taijutsu students pitted against each other in an epic battle of hard fist against gentle fist - or so Rain paints it. At first, the battle is thrilling to watch. The two teens fight with passion and grace. It is like watching a silent conversation.
But, after what feels to Nagato like about three hours (it's really only half an hour), the battle begins to drag. People in the audience start running out of popcorn. Killer Bee pulls out a notebook and pen and starts composing rubbish rhymes. Nagato decides to help. The Raikage and the Hokage start arm wrestling. Mei sends Iruka to get her some pickles and dango. Iruka comes back with the undead Mizukage, the food Mei requested and a pack of cards. While Mei eats her snacks, Iruka starts a game of cards with C and the undead Mizukage.
And still the fight drags on.
Nagato and Bee are trying to figure out what rhymes there are for the word 'sheep', and whether or not they need this rap to rhyme, when Rain suddenly announces, "Neji wins!"
It takes a moment for the audience to remember about the match, but then everyone starts cheering for Neji.
"Well that match went on much longer than we all expected, considering how short their first matches were," says Rain, as Neji helps Lee up and drags him back to the contestants area. "But now we have a match that should prove exciting. Two talented girls, one who would never hurt a fly and one who once ate a fly because a toad named Gamakichi dared her to! Haku of the Ice Style VS Namiko Terumi! Begin, and don't be all day about it!"
"Mizukage, what the f*** is wrong with your kid?" demands the Raikage.
Mei sighs and says, "She has Whirlpool blood."
"That's not a bad thing," says Iruka, proudly.
Haku wastes no time in trapping Namiko in a dome of mirrors. Namiko wastes no time in dousing Haku's mirrors in lava, pulling out a frypan and whacking Haku through Rain and into the wall around the arena.
"...wait a second," says Iruka, narrowing his eyes. "That's Kushina's technique."
"Namiko did say she got some tips from Kushina," says Nagato.
Haku falls out of the newly formed dent in the wall and lands face-down in the dirt. Rain starts counting to ten. Haku does not move.
"Oops," says Namiko. "I think I hit her too hard."
"Namiko wins!" declares Rain. "We will now have a ten minute break before the final round. It should be a good one!"
"Ah, this tournament reminds me of the old days, when we had the crazy Whirlpool genins in the chunin exams," sighs the undead Mizukage. "Those were fun times. I faced off against a Whirlpool ninja in my youth, and let me tell you it was an experience I will never forget. He stopped the fight to smoke and told me to beat it or join him. I think he said his name was Panties, but I don't know if that was really his name or not."
"Oh, you mean Pantsu?" says Iruka. "He's the old man who died from smoking poison at the Temple of Jashin."
"I thought he looked familiar," says the undead Mizukage. Nagato combs his memory, trying to remember the guy's name.
Soon, the Finalists appear in the arena with Rain. "Ladies and gentlemen!" Rain's voice booms around the arena. "Please, return to your seats now. The final match is about to begin. On one side we have Neji Hyuuga of the Hidden Leaf, a talented genius of the Hyuuga clan's gentle fist style."
The audience cheers uproariously for Neji.
"And on the other side we have Namiko Terumi," Rain continues. "This little girl is the youngest contestant in any chunin exams since the Copy Ninja. Can this powerful, but adorable, chubby-cheeks beat the genius of the Hyuuga clan, or will the teenager win? Let's find out! Begin!"
Namiko and Neji charge each other. Namiko leaps into the air to avoid being caught in Neji's Eight Trigrams formation. Neji blasts her away with a Heavenly Spin. Namiko pulls out her fans while in midair and uses them and a burst of chakra to avoid flying out of bounds.
Neji pursues Namiko and attacks, landing a hit on one of her chakra points.
Namiko falls, drops her fans and rolls away from Neji. She gets back up and pulls out a scroll and brush. In an instant, she has a seal painted. "Fuinjutsu: Earthquake!" The ground rumbles as Namiko activates the earthquake seal she learned from Naruto. Neji wobbles, trying to keep his balance. Namiko shunshins behind him, in a move she must've picked up off Shisui. She grabs Neji by the hair and holds a knife to his ponytail. "Surrender, or your hair dies!"
"Hair grows back," says Neji, turning pale, but managing to remain calm.
"Your loss," says Namiko, and begins to cut.
"NO!" Neji does another Heavenly Spin, sending Namiko flying with her kunai and most of his hair. "My hair! You'll pay for that!"
Namiko pulls out a bottle of expensive looking shampoo. "Surrender," she says, flipping open the lid.
"Not the shampoo!" says Neji. "Where did you even get my shampoo? Just put it down and fight me properly."
"Sometimes in battle you have to use creative measures to beat a superior opponent," says Namiko.
"Make her a chunin," says the undead Mizukage.
Nagato grins proudly. "She's my apprentice, you know."
"Now, now, there's no need to ruin my favourite shampoo," says Neji. "Isn't what you did to my hair enough?"
"Have you surrendered yet? No," says Namiko. "Then it is not enough."
"Are you sure she's really a little kid?" asks the Raikage. "She's like a little old Lady."
"Oh, she's always been like that," says Mei, sighing. "She asked me for a doily for her third birthday. I asked her if she meant dolly and she said "No Mummy, I want a doily for my dresser. And also a Daddy."
Iruka laughs. "Did you get her a doily?"
"I did," says Mei.
"Okay, fine, I surrender!" says Neji. "Just don't tip out my shampoo!"
"Namiko Terumi wins!" declares Rain. "And that concludes the tournament. Stand by for the awards ceremony."