Hello everyone,
Thank you so much for all your lovely comments and for sticking with the story!
I hope you are all healthy and happy. I have to talk about something that has really upset me in recent days. It is not related to this story, so if you are not interested you can just skip it, but it really weighs heavily on my mind.
I have been going outside a little bit more recently, and I realised that a lot of people act as if this whole virus thing has never happened. Everyone encourages you to get back to 'normality' but I believe that is the worst thing we could do. I wish everyone would realise that.
A pandemic should inspire you to reimagine the world you live in! It is a break that humanity and nature need, it lames the mighty and greedy, and it brings the whole world to a rest. Why do we not take the chance and rethink what we could do to make this world a better place?
Nothing, NOTHING could be worse than return to 'normality', where everyone is filled with hatred, prejudice, greed and ignorance. A normality where our rivers and seas are dead, and the stars and clouds invisible because of the smoke in the sky.
Please, do take a moment to think about what 'normality' is for you and if it is really what you would want to return to. Re-think, re-imagine and let us all work together to make this world a better place. We are all such incredible beings, each and everyone of us. But we need to humble ourselves. We have done terrible things to this world and to one another, but there is also so much good in humankind that just needs encouraging and a place to unfold itself. The earth and each and every being, soul and spirit on this planet deserves a chance to live in a better world.
I just needed to get that off my mind, it's really been bothering me and if I can only reach one person with it, it would make me incredibly happy.
Enjoy chapter 16!
XXX
Song Recommendation
9 CRIMES – DAMIEN RICE
Minerva reclined in her chair, covering her mouth with one hand. Hermione didn't say anything, as she couldn't determine what mood Minerva was in. She didn't seem upset or surprised, but she also didn't appear very relaxed.
"You know, Hermione", she started, looking into the distance.
"I have always wondered why there was no portrait of Severus after his death. I have thought, it might have been because he hadn't had one made, although Albus hadn't either."
She looked at Hermione now. "I have thought about it a lot over the last years."
"Really?", Hermione asked surprised.
Minerva was still focusing on something in the distance, but Hermione didn't want to turn to see what it was.
"Yes, you see, Severus and I… I wouldn't say we were the classic idea of friends, but we were more than good colleagues. I enjoyed working with him, I trusted Albus's verdict and I worried for him when he was hurt. But when…", she paused for a moment and looked at Professor Dumbledore's portrait. "… when it happened, I was crushed. It took months before I could start thinking straight again, I was filled with hatred." She looked gloomily into the distance. "Yes, I hated him. He had taken my best friend from me."
There was a long silence between them. Hermione hadn't known that Minerva and Professor Dumbledore had been that close, but her eyes were still full of pain.
"The year before the final battle was hardest on me. I had started to question Albus, and I had to realise that I didn't know as much as I thought I would. It was devastating. And then I had also started to question Severus during his time as headmaster."
She twirled her wand in her hands. "You might remember, that the castle never accepted Dolores Umbridge as its headmistress, but that wasn't the case for Severus."
She stood up and went to one of the many bookshelves that lined the office walls. She came back with a large tome and placed it onto the desk in front of Hermione.
"You can borrow it, if you like", she said sitting back down. "At first, I thought the castle abided to Severus, because Albus had passed, which wasn't the case for Dolores. This was my belief throughout his whole year as headmaster, and I am not ashamed to say that I made him feel my rancour. He had a job to do, which I technically knew, but I had a job as well."
Hermione didn't experience the last year at the castle, but she knew what the headmistress was talking about.
"However,", Minerva nodded towards the book, "upon becoming headmistress myself, I acquired a few privileges. The book explains some of the old magic that is placed upon the castle and its current head. I have worked out, that it does not matter if the previous head is still alive or dead or has been removed by force. The castle choses its own headmaster or headmistress, a little bit like the wand chooses a wizard or witch."
She looked at her wand and smiled at Hermione. "Hogwarts has accepted Severus as its headmaster, and it made perfect sense to me once I had read the book, because I knew about Severus's real intentions at that point. The castle obviously knew as well, but much earlier than any of us. However, I still couldn't get my head around why there was none of the usual traces left."
Hermione didn't understand and Minerva explained: "Every headmaster leaves some trace at the school. Not visibly or perceptible by everyone, but as the headmistress I know about them, I can feel and perceive them at a different level."
She inclined her head and smiled at Hermione. "I won't explain, as it is a rather special privilege and ancient magic, not meant for anyone else to know but me, at this point in time."
Hermione nodded understandingly. "Of course."
"Anyway, there is no trace of Severus here, if anything, there is a lack of something." Minerva looked thoughtfully around the room. "And for some reason, I have felt an ineffable sensation throughout my whole tenure, that suddenly makes sense."
Hermione didn't understand what Minerva was talking about but refrained from asking.
"Whenever I thought about Severus's case, it was as if I was missing something, as if I was physically lacking something. It is a most extraordinary sensation, and I believe it is the castle communicating with me." She looked at Hermione seriously now.
"When you mentioned tonight, that Severus was alive, and as we've continued to speak about him and his potential appointment, it was as if the castle's soul cried out in longing."
Hermione's mind was racing to connect the single bits of information.
"Hogwarts has been missing Professor Severus Snape?", she asked solemnly.
Minerva nodded appreciatively. Hermione somehow understood what the headmistress was saying, but she also didn't understand anything at all.
"You have to realise, Hermione", Minerva explained. "I do not appoint professors at Hogwarts, neither does the ministry. All I can do, is offer potential candidates, but the castle will decide in the end, whether it accepts a teacher or not. And I will know."
"I didn't know that", Hermione said, and Minerva laughed quietly.
"Of course, you didn't. That is, to my complacency, privileged knowledge reserved only for the head of the castle", she smiled. "I have my reasons to share it with you."
She inclined her head and her eyes twinkled. Hermione was oddly reminded of Professor Dumbledore and wondered frivolously if that twinkling came with the position.
Minerva got up from her chair and walked to the window behind her desk, beckoning Hermione to join her.
"I do have a question, Hermione", the elder witch said overlooking the Black Lake outside. "Why do you think Severus trusts you so much?"
Hermione was surprised at that statement and had to think about it for a while.
"I don't think he trusts me very much at all", she answered thoughtfully, following Minerva's gaze over the lake.
The headmistress looked at her, asking her wordlessly and Hermione continued: "I think, or I like to think that he feels physically and emotionally safe in my presence. But I have a feeling, that there is a lot to know about him, his mind and his soul. I sometimes feel like I get a glance at what is actually going on inside him, and it is frightening at the very least. I am not sure if he could actually ever trust anybody."
She looked at Minerva sadly. "I wish he could, and I hope he will someday, but I don't blame him for not being able to do so. I can feel indescribable depths in his character and a darkness in his soul. Not an evil darkness, but a sad darkness. And it puts everything I have ever felt to shame."
The two women stood silently next to one another and looked out of the window, each occupied with their own thoughts.
"I believe the castle is expecting its potions master", Minerva said after a while returning to her desk. "I will speak to Mr Potter tomorrow and arrange a meeting with Kingsley once I am given the green light. Shall I send Severus a letter, or will you let him know that I expect him for a chat, Saturday in three weeks?"
That would be the first Saturday after the students had gone home for the Easter holidays.
"I will pass on the message", Hermione said and had to restrain herself from bursting out jubilantly. "Thank you, Minerva!"
Hermione left the headmistress's office and as soon as she had shut the door Minerva gave all of the portraits a stern glance.
"I expect that this information stays within these walls, headmasters and mistresses. If I find you gossiping, I shall set each and every one of you on fire."
The portraits murmured and grumbled at one another, but a fierce look from Minerva shut them all up.
"I am surprised to hear he is alive", said Albus Dumbledore's portrait thoughtfully with a piercing look in his painted eyes.
"You off all people…", Minerva said, surprisingly cool and hostile. "As if you'd care. You've done enough."
"Are you behind this curious survival?", the portrait said with a mysterious glint in its eyes.
"I am not", she replied. "And it is none of your business, Albus. If I want your input, I will ask you for it. I will not tolerate your shrewd meddling."
Hermione had butterflies in her stomach and a broad grin on her face, as she left the office and ran down the staircase.
"Hermione!", Luna's dreamy voice echoed through the corridor. She was talking to Hestia Jones and Hermione went to join them.
"I am so happy for you", Luna said, although Hermione hadn't mentioned a word, and she and Hestia looked slightly confused but didn't question Luna.
"We were just thinking that we should visit Hagrid for a drink tonight", Hestia explained to Hermione. "Will you join us?"
"Definitely. I just have to quickly write a letter and take it up to the owlery first", she said. "I will see you at Hagrid's."
Severus,
I will be in London next weekend. Would you like to come over on Saturday? I've got news.
Hermione
Hermione,
I am afraid I already have plans for this weekend. Maybe you are free the week after?
Severus
She tried not to be disappointed. Whenever Hermione had had a weekend off over the past months, they had spent it together. Mostly, Severus would only come to London for a day to work on their wolfsbane project, or she would go to Arraxy for a day or two to catch up with Clemency, study potions with Severus or have a cup of coffee on his balcony.
When she read his reply, she felt robbed of something. She enjoyed their time together, and she really wanted to tell him about Minerva's decision in person. And she admitted to herself, that she just wanted to be with him. Even if they sat in silence for the whole weekend, she'd enjoy it. She wanted to see him, hear his voice, be in his presence.
You fancy him.
She knew it, and she had known it for a while. She did in fact fancy him, possibly a little bit too much for her own good. He was subject of her daydreams and of her nightdreams. Whenever she walked down a corridor in the castle between lessons, she imagined what it would be like to have him walk next to her as a colleague. Whenever she took patrols at night, she thought about what it would be like to hold his hand in the dark, kiss him in the security of an alcove, or return to her rooms with him waiting there.
It was silly, because she knew she couldn't act upon it. She feared it would destroy the valuable bond they shared. It wasn't fragile per se, they would argue and make up again, agree to disagree, or sometimes disagree about disagreeing. But it was a stable friendship, and she didn't want to risk it.
Nonetheless, it had become increasingly difficult to focus when he was with her, which was atypical of her. And she knew that he had noticed and grown distant in an instant. She was lucky, that he didn't suspect anything, or she was sure he would immediately take to his heels.
She sighed and put his letter into the drawer of her desk, getting ready to meet her sixth year DADAC class outside for a co-lesson with Hestia. They had decided to simulate a field experience, and have the students duel in a designated part of the Forbidden Forest, that had been designed after the war, for teaching purposes.
"We want you to work in pairs, Gryffindor Ravenclaw and Slytherin Hufflepuff", Hermione instructed her students as they all tried to stand in a sunny spot between the trees.
"One of you will provide protective shields, whilst the other will attack. After one hour you swap roles. No curses, no harmful jinxes or hexes. Non-verbal magic."
At her last instruction she heard a few of her students moan. It was nearly April and many of them still couldn't perform non-verbal spells. It was frustrating.
"You need to practice", Hestia said firmly. "For every verbal spell, you'll be deducted one house point."
More moans.
"For every successful non-verbal spell, you will be awarded one house point", Hermione added. "Get started."
They formed pairs and scattered between the trees, a few moments later they could see the first spells.
"I like working with you", Hestia said and smiled at Hermione. "We seem to have a very identical approach."
"Likewise."
Then they went to watch their students.
On her weekend off Hermione decided to go to London anyway, even if Severus wasn't around. She'd meet him the week after, which still left him enough time to prepare for his meeting with Minerva.
On Friday evening she made sure to get all her work done, and on Saturday afternoon she apparated to Grimmauld Place, her bag full of Honeydukes sweets and some Weasley joke items to surprise James, who had had his fifth birthday during the week.
She knocked and Ginny opened up, but to Hermione's surprise she looked rather shocked to see her.
"Mione!", Ginny exclaimed, holding Lily in her arm. "What are you doing here?"
"I thought I surprise James. Is it a problem?", she asked. "I can just go and see mum and dad and come by another time."
"Oh, ehm. Well, no. Come in", Ginny said and let Hermione in. "I just didn't think you'd be off this weekend, because…"
Ginny couldn't finish her sentence, because James came running down the stairs.
"Minnie! Minnie you here!", he cheered and Hermione's heart burst.
"Aw, come here, young man!" She bent down and picked up James. "Oh, Merlin! You're so much bigger now! I soon won't be able to pick you up anymore!"
James kissed her cheek. "I am five now."
"I know!"
"James! James!" Albus came sliding down the staircase on his bum, and Hermione looked at James in astonishment, sitting down next to the younger child on the staircase.
"Your little brother can say your name?"
James nodded proudly. "I taught him."
They all stood in the corridor, when the kitchen door opened, and Bill Weasley came out.
"Hello, Hermione!", he said.
"Hi, Bill! Good to -" She stopped in the middle of her sentence.
Still holding James on her arm, sitting on the bottom step, she looked past Bill into Severus's eyes. For a change, she could clearly see surprise in his face.
She quickly recollected herself. "Sorry, Bill. Good to see you."
She looked at Ginny, who shrugged her shoulders.
"Mione?", she heard Harry's voice from the kitchen. "Come in!"
"James, why don't you take my handbag", Hermione said to her godchild. "I think there is something in there for your birthday. I bet your mummy will help you find it."
She gave James her bag and looked at Ginny questioningly.
"I didn't know he was coming. Harry just came home with Bill and him in tow", Ginny explained. "I'll be flooing to mum's now with the kids. I'll leave your bag in the living room. Just come over if you need to talk."
"Thanks, Gin."
Bill had followed their conversation and joined Ginny upstairs to help her floo.
Hermione went into the kitchen.
"Hi, Harry", she said, but immediately focused her attention on Severus. "What are you doing here? I thought you were busy this weekend."
"This is my business", he replied shortly.
"Ah", she replied, still confused. "Why did you not tell me you'd be here?"
He raised her eyebrow at her. "Do I need to inform you about everything I intend on doing?"
She tried to hide her disappointment and hurt at his reply, by getting herself a cup of tea.
"I won't keep him any longer, we're done I think", Harry tried to resolve the tension in the room.
Hermione quickly turned on her no-nonsense brain.
"Actually", she said in a feigned good mood, "it's great you're both here. I have excellent news!"
She had intended on telling Severus when they were alone, and she had imagined a whole lot of other things they could have done after she had conveyed the good news. However, she thought analytically, and decided it was very practical that they were both here now. They could immediately decide on their next move. Harry knew already of course but had been instructed not to tell Severus.
She walked over to the table, sitting down next to Harry, opposite Severus.
"I spoke to Minerva, and she would like to see you Saturday in two weeks' time." She tried to smile at Severus, who had an expressionless face, but she knew his eyes well enough by now to spot the surprise, followed by hopeful excitement.
"You're doing well today, Snape", Harry said laughing. "That's the second bit of excellent news!"
Hermione looked at them both questioningly, but Severus just threw a stern glance into Harry's direction, who knew immediately that it was time to shut up, if he didn't want to be severely cursed or killed.
She was confused by Severus's odd behaviour.
"Well", Harry addressed Severus. "I will head to the ministry and see if Kingsley is around, just as we discussed."
They got up and Harry accompanied them to the door. Hermione went to get her handbag and to her surprise the two men shook hands as she came back downstairs.
"Thank you, Potter."
"Anytime", replied Harry, then he turned to Hermione.
"Minerva has spoken to me. Do you know if she has set a date yet to meet with Kingsley?"
"No", she said. "I can ask her and tell her to send you a letter."
Harry shook his head. "It's fine. I'll speak with Kingsley and write her."
They left Grimmauld Place and as soon as they stepped onto the street the house disappeared.
Severus and Hermione stood in awkward silence on the street. Hermione started the conversation, aloof and focussed on simply delivering information.
"Like I mentioned earlier, Minerva would like speak to you on Saturday in a fortnight. Most of the students will have left and you can simply apparate to the main gates. She will send someone to pick you at four o'clock."
That someone would have been her, but she didn't want to think of that now. She was still hurt from his snide remark earlier and she knew it was stupid, but she was also hurt that he didn't tell her he'd be with Harry.
"Would you like to go for a coffee?", he asked her.
"No, thank you", she said a bit more ungraciously than intended. "I am afraid I am busy this weekend." She straightened her back. "If that is all, I shall see you in two weeks' time."
"I had something to talk about with Potter", he tried to explain. "I wanted to tell you another time, when…"
"No need", she said coolly. "As you said earlier, you don't need to inform me about everything you're doing."
Repeating his words made her even more angry. She knew it wasn't a big deal, but she could feel her throat getting tighter.
"Good luck with your interview."
Severus silently panicked, but Hermione didn't notice, being too preoccupied with keeping her own calm and not burst into tears.
"You will be there too, right?", he sputtered.
"I am a teacher and I am on duty over Easter break. I will be at Hogwarts."
"I mean at the interview, you'll be there as well, won't you?"
"It is not my interview, is it? And you seem to be getting on just fine by yourself", she snapped. "If the headmistress wants me to join you, I shall be there."
Severus went unusually quiet and nodded.
Without further fuss she turned around and apparated to the first place she could think of.
She walked down the street towards her parents' house. She had been so happy a few days ago, and there was no need to be upset now, but for some reason she hadn't taken his comment as lightly as she usually would have done.
She felt betrayed, because she did everything she could, to help him and she wanted to share every little success with him. He simply stated the cold truth, that he didn't intend on sharing everything he did with her.
She also felt jealous. Poor Harry had no fault, but she was jealous that Severus decided to share something with him instead of her.
She walked around to the back of the house, hoping her parents would be in the garden or at least the back door would be open.
Her dad was watering the plants and her mother was crawling around the flower beds.
"Hello, darling!"
George waved at her, but he quickly noticed that Hermione wasn't in the best mood.
Jane turned around and Hermione was glad that her mother seemed to have an inbuilt antenna for her daughter's emotional state.
"Oh, dear", she sighed. "I bet it's the French friend again. Time for a drink."
She got up and beckoned Hermione inside.
"What has he done this time?", Jane asked whilst pouring gin into two glasses with ice.
"I am being silly, really", Hermione said, still trying not to cry again over him.
He mother looked at her with a raised eyebrow and she was immediately reminded of Severus.
"Well", she sighed, her breath shaking slightly. "Over Christmas he basically agreed to take the job I was telling you about the other day."
"That's good news!", Jane exclaimed and added lemonade and a mint leaf to each of their glasses.
"Yes", Hermione replied. "I've talked to Minerva last week…"
Hermione told her mother about the chat with the headmistress and the letters between her and Severus. Then she explained what had happened at Harry's today.
"And then he basically just said 'you don't need to know about everything I do'", she imitated his voice ridiculously and wiped a few tears off her face.
"Well", Jane started carefully. "Have you thought about what these past few months must have been like for him?"
"What do you mean?"
"It seems to me, that this friend of yours is a private and independent person. He clearly got along all by himself in France for ten years. Suddenly you are around, doing him one favour after the other. He might feel like he's a burden to you."
"But he isn't. He knows that!", Hermione argued.
"Well, maybe he knows that. But he might also feel the need to sort out things by himself, just to prove something to himself."
Hermione understood what her mother was saying. She hadn't thought about it like that.
"Think about the time you tried to build a life here, going to university and everything", Jane smiled at her.
"I remember you were constantly thinking you're a burden to me and your father, asking all the things that you felt like you should know. And we are your parents." Her mother looked at her meaningfully. "Imagine what he feels like."
Hermione sighed and covered her face in her hands. "I'm such an idiot."
"Don't say that, honey", Jane patted her shoulder. "Just explain yourself to him and apologise."
"He won't want to talk to me", Hermione wailed. "I've been terrible."
"Now, now", Jane said firmly. "You had your reasons too, and if he's sensible he will understand, just like you understood."
They went back outside into the garden, where Hermione's dad looked positively grumpy and ready to murder someone. Luckily that was resolved quickly, and they spent the rest of the day together. They ordered pizza for dinner and Hermione left for Hogwarts later that evening.
"Just remember, running away never does any good. Listen and talk everything through, that's the foundation for any good relationship. But also stand your ground, if you have to", her mother told her before Hermione apparated back to Scotland.
Severus,
I hope you are well. I want to apologise for my terrible behaviour the other day. I shouldn't have been so unreasonable and I shouldn't have left on a sudden.
I can understand if you might not want to talk, but I hope to apologise in person soon.
I would love to hear from you.
Hermione
She had sent the letter the day she had gotten back from her parents. It was the Thursday before his interview now, and he hadn't replied yet.
Hermione was working on some essays when someone knocked on her door. Thursday evening were her office hours, and to her delight students did make use of them. Most of the time they didn't have problems, but Hermione's office had become a bit of a port of call, especially for the younger girls and their girl-problems. Slytherin and Gryffindor students did both have a male Head of House and there were just certain things a young girl did not want to talk about with a man.
"Come in", Hermione said.
A fifth year Slytherin girl entered the room.
"Good evening, Miss Mark", Hermione greeted her and indicated she should sit down. "What can I do for you?"
"Good evening, professor", the girl said. She was of the quiet sort, a hard worker, but average grades. "I was hoping you could help me with some class work."
"Tell me, and I shall see what I can do."
Hermione put away her essays and gave the girl her full attention.
"I really struggle with the Silencing Charm", she began to explain. "I am afraid that I might not pass my charms O.W.L.s in the summer. I really need an O or E, I would like to become a healer."
"Miss Marks, I have noticed that you've been struggling in class for a while", Hermione said carefully.
"Yes, professor."
"Is there a reason?"
The girl looked at her hands in her lap. "I think I am just too stupid."
"I can assure you that that is not the case", Hermione said firmly but friendly. "I have seen your spell work. You work hard, and it pays off."
"I have to study and practise a lot for charms", the girl explained. "My classmates seem to be naturally good at it. I put so much work into it, but come out with lower grades than them."
Hermione understood the girls worries.
"I have a few students in sixth and seventh year who are giving tuition in their spare time. If you are interested, I can arrange something for you", Hermione proposed.
"Yes, please", the girl agreed immediately.
Hermione got a piece of parchment and started writing something down.
"I'll also give you a list of books that you can borrow from the library. There are quite a lot, but you only need to read one or two chapters in them. I want you to study twenty minutes of theory every day. If you like you can recap each topic you have studied in a short essay, no more than ten inches. I will correct them for you."
Hermione handed her the parchment. "I will arrange tuition for you, two hours a week from after Easter should do."
"Thank you very much, professor."
"Let me know, how you are getting on every week after class", Hermione ordered.
"I will. Thank you, Professor Granger."
Miss Marks left her office looking much relieved and Hermione really hoped that the girl would catch up and get her O.W.L..
She left her office to go to the Ravenclaw tower and find Penelope Clearwater. They arranged that one of the seventh year Ravenclaw students, who signed up to give tuition, would tutor Miss Marks. It was a new concept that Hermione had introduced. She knew it from her muggle university, where students would support each other.
She returned to her chambers that night, worrying over several things. Sitting on her sofa, she thought about her students being behind. It made her feel like she was letting them down. She was a failure and had no business teaching at a prestigious place like Hogwarts. She worried that Severus might not turn up on Saturday, or never turn up again at all.
She was overthinking it all and it made her cry. She felt like a first year girl again, trying so hard all the time, but nothing worked out for her.
She felt a small relief when Crookshanks came down from her bedroom and curled up next to her.
"Maybe I should have just stayed at Oxford", she whispered to him, her throat all chocked up from crying. Crooks rubbed his face on her leg, as if he was trying to say 'tomorrow is a new day' and she ruffled his fur, falling asleep a while later.