Hello everyone,
Chapter 17 is ready!
Quick reminder again that this is a M rated fanfiction and... well, things are going well between Hermione and Sev these days :P
As you all know, I will not post explicit scenes on here, because I appreciate and agree with FFNets guidelines. You can find the unedited chapter on AO3 if you'd like to read it
(just search for FEATHER AND ROCK by mynameisnicse on AO3 xxx)
Thank you to everyone again for reading and commenting! I still remember how nervous I was about posting my first chapters but now I feel much more confident in my writing with all you lovely people giving me feedback. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!
Let me know what you think of this one.
Enjoy XXX
Song Recommendation
WINGS ACCOUSTIC - BIRDY
Severus stood outside the back door of the pharmacy. It was half past three. Was it too early to leave yet? Minerva wanted to see him at four o'clock. It was a fifteen minute walk from the bottom gate to the headmaster's office, Severus remembered, and felt bile rising up. He had walked from the gate to Dumbledore's office on many occasions, late at night after he had been to meetings with the Dark Lord.
Severus shook off the memory. He checked the time again, it was twenty-five minutes to four. He took a deep breath. Merlin, he hoped Hermione would pick him up. He took one step and disapparated.
Once he landed, he saw her immediately. She walked down the path, the late afternoon sun following her, and he fought to keep a passive face. She wore the same robes he had seen her in at Grimmauld Place, they were obviously her teaching robes. He found them oddly appealing. The way they framed her figure, her legs in those skinny trousers underneath, her long pale neck being half visible under the stand-up collar.
"Hi", Hermione said with a timid smile.
"Hello."
Calm down.
"I am glad you came."
He didn't know what to reply and Hermione lifted the wards to let him in. His heart pounded inside his chest and he felt sick. He had dreamed of this moment for so long. He clenched his jaw together to keep his face straight, or he would start crying like a little boy. Walking through the gate, he looked up at the castle. The overwhelming sensation of coming home threated to knock him out, but there were more sinister memories that caused his rapid heartbeat. He wore his usual black frock and for some reason he wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. It was as if he had never left, and yet it was a completely new experience.
Naturally, his expression didn't give away any of the tumult inside him. His face was blank and his back rigid.
"Sev…", he heard her say carefully.
"I got your letter."
He didn't know what else to reply, but it had been on his mind all week.
"I am sorry", she said. "I have been a complete idiot."
"No, you haven't", he looked at her. "Would you mind if I stayed on after my meeting with the headmistress?"
Hermione's shoulder slacked in relief. "No, not at all. Please do."
He turned, looking back up to the castle.
"I've wanted this for so long", he said quietly. "I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you."
"Let's not talk about it now", Hermione said and smiled at him. To his surprise she hooked her arm around his. "I think the castle is waiting for you."
He didn't know what to make of this statement, and he thought about it whilst they walked up the path. She let go of his arm once they got closer to the castle, and he immediately felt nervous again.
There was the occasional whisper as they passed some of the students that remained at the castle over the holidays, but because such a long time had passed, there was nobody that knew Professor Snape.
"Everybody has of course heard of you. Your detentions are still legendary", she jested as they walked across the courtyard.
He appreciated her try to cheer him up but it didn't really work. He wasn't in a bad mood per se, but he was nervous and that made him uncomfortable, and therefore positively terrifying to the people around him. He was glad that she didn't seem to mind that.
They arrived in front of the gargoyle that guarded the headmistress's office.
"I think she wants to speak to you alone", Hermione said and Severus nodded.
His heart ached, when she boldly took his hand and squeezed it. A calmness filled him and he felt like he could take on the world. He wanted her to be there too, but he also knew it was best to talk to Minerva alone. He tightened his fingers around hers thankfully.
"Caramel Fudge", Hermione said and the gargoyle jumped. She turned to Severus. "My office is on the third floor in the west corridor, opposite the main Charms classroom."
He nodded again and stepped onto the staircase to be carried up to Minerva's office.
The painfully familiar door seemed like an unsurpassable hurdle, and he stood in front of it for what felt like an eternity. He didn't dare to raise his hand and knock. He didn't want to go into this office. Only bad things happened in there. He knew that Minerva was aware of him standing here, as he had had the same privilege for a year.
He took a deep breath and straightened his back, then he knocked twice.
The door opened for him and he clenched his jaw before he entered the room. Minerva stood behind her desk, hands folded loosely in front of her signature robes, and she looked mightier than Merlin himself. The afternoon sun sent its light through the window behind her, putting her and the whole room into a warm yellow light.
He had always held deep respect for Minerva McGonagall, her skills were beyond measure and she was a fair and just leader. He believed with all his heart that she was the best head that Hogwarts had had in many decades, if not even centuries.
"I thought you'd never knock", she said calmly. "Please sit down, Severus."
He inclined his head in reply and did as he was told. He was aware of the portraits watching him, but he didn't want to look. He had deliberately avoided to look into the direction of Albus Dumbledore's portrait and didn't plan to do so throughput the whole meeting either.
"I believe you still drink Darjeeling?", she asked.
"It was, and will probably always be, one of the few things we agree on", he said coolly and a cup of tea appeared in front of him.
"The past ten years have been rather dull, not having anyone to argue", Minerva said, eyeing him. There was something in her eyes, that he couldn't determine. Was it kindness? Happiness? Why would she look at him like that?
He immediately pulled up his occlumency walls to cope with the discovery.
"That doesn't surprise me", he said bluntly. "Half of the staff are your former students, they wouldn't dare. The other half are wise enough to know they don't stand a chance, once you get started."
"I see you are well informed", she said. "I do have to collaborate with more people than just my staff though."
He didn't reply to that and just inclined his head in acknowledgement.
"Everyone I work with thinks in very similar ways to me. We've all come out the same end", she said, looking at Severus carefully.
He didn't reply, because he knew what she was trying to say, but he wanted her to actually say it.
"You've always looked at things from many different angles. Angles that nobody else can see, because we have never been exposed to it."
"You are lucky that you haven't been exposed to it", he said soberly.
"Lucky, yes", she replied. "But nonetheless deprived. It forces us into tunnel vision."
They sat in silence for a long time. Severus was surprised how quickly she had come to the point, he hadn't even been here five minutes.
He started to think about all the things that had happened it this office, beginning with the incident in his fifth year when he was practically told by the headmaster, that his life mattered less than that of a certain Gryffindor. He thought about all the times he had been sitting in exactly the chair he was sat in now, reporting to Dumbledore after Death Eater meetings, on occasion so severely hurt that he would have died, hadn't Poppy Pomfrey looked after him. He thought about the time Dumbledore had ordered him to kill him. He thought about the time, when he found out that Harry Potter had to die.
He thought about the dreadful year when he was headmaster. He had sat where Minerva now sat. He had been emotionally so detached from his life and body that he had often started to hurt himself, right in that chair, just to make sure he was still alive.
He had been as cold on the inside as he had been on the outside and he had been entirely sure that his soul had left his body. The warmth had only come back in recent years, and for a moment he thought he was a lucky bastard to be sitting here, feeling that warmth, being able to think and having the freedom to decide on his own future.
Minerva's voice interrupted his thoughts. "I will not apologise to you for what I did during your time as headmaster", she said seriously. "But still, I am sorry for what I have done."
He appreciated the move, he knew an apology and saying sorry weren't the same thing and he knew that he deserved neither. Yet she offered it to him.
"I would like your input and support at Hogwarts and if you wish to work here with me, I will gladly offer you the position", she added.
Severus didn't answer, but the expression in his face said everything. He nodded, and nothing more needed to be said.
They did however have a long conversation afterwards. Minerva wanted to know about his life in France and how he had got there. They talked about some of their shared experiences as heads of the castle, and both their relationships with Albus Dumbledore. Said man's portrait tried to talk, but one sharp comment of Minerva silenced it. Severus appreciated the move.
There were painful things to talk about, but for some reason he felt like Minerva was one of the few people that deserved to know. They got along surprisingly well, Severus didn't feel the need to defend himself or be snarky. That in itself was a rarity, but for some reason he thought they were kinder to one another than they had been in the past.
They shared the struggles they had during and after the war and Minerva wanted to know how he and Hermione had met again.
"It surprises me that you get along so well", Minerva said. "I've always seen her as a young version of myself."
"She's less bitter than you", he sneered.
"You better leave before I take back my offer", she said waspishly and got up.
He turned to leave and lowered his head to hide a mischievous grin.
"Severus?"
He looked at her innocently, but her eyes weren't as stern or fierce as he had expected.
"Welcome home."
A genuine smile appeared on his face and he didn't want to hide it.
When Severus had left, Minerva sank bank into her chair and started thinking. She had never been on friendly terms with Severus, yet she couldn't help but feel a desperate need to get to know him. After meeting him, she understood what Hermione meant when she had said that sad, painful depths were hidden under this man's cold exterior. But she did also notice that something incredibly positive radiated around him that hadn't been there in the past.
Severus stood in the doorway of the Charms classroom watching Hermione. It was half past nine and he had been afraid that she might not have waited for him when he had knocked on her office door. No one had replied, but then he had heard her from the opposite classroom. Somehow she had managed to put on some music on her laptop, and she was lazily swaying around the room whilst some tables and chairs were rearranging themselves in the classroom. A few yellow birds were flying around. She looked lovely and he couldn't take his eyes of her.
He walked quietly into the room up to her desk, behind which she stood, changing some of the colours on the stained glass window.
"I didn't know you could make these work here", he said and pointed at the laptop.
She swirled around and some of the yellow birds tweeted.
"I have a mastery in Charms", she simply said smiling at him, and without further warning she pulled him into a hug. Only when he found himself holding her in his arms, he noticed how much he had needed it.
The birds in the air reacted to her happy outburst of magic and circled around them. She tried to pull back from him and made them disappear with a wave of her hand.
"How did it go?", she asked.
"We had a lot to talk about", he said, his arms still slung around Hermione. "I don't really want to get into it now."
She understood and they remained silent for some time, enjoying each other's company. And Severus very much enjoyed the physical contact too. He hadn't consciously held on to her, but rather out of a subconscious need. He did realise their position eventually and slowly dropped his arms.
"I'll be accepting the post from September", he said looking down at her.
"I know", she smiled and he frowned. "Minerva explained something to me a while ago…", Hermione started to explain. "… sometimes things just work out, because they were always meant to be."
She shrugged her shoulders.
"Hermione…" The tone in Severus voice was completely new, and he felt her eyes on him. "I want to talk to you."
"Let's go over into my rooms, I'll make us tea and we have all the time in the world."
"It's late", Severus remarked.
He didn't want to be a burden and he enjoyed her company too much. An invitation to her room sounded thrilling, but he didn't want to do anything stupid that could destroy it all.
"I'm off tonight and tomorrow", she simply replied, and grabbed the laptop. Then she left the classroom and made her way across the corridor.
They settled down on Hermione's sofas and started talking.
"I didn't know there were chambers on the Charms corridor. Did they add them after the war?", Severus asked.
"Yes", Hermione replied. "Filius had always occupied the Head of Ravenclaw chambers. The west wing had been completely destroyed, and when rebuilding it, we added quite a few new bits including these chambers."
"I'll get my old chambers back", he said. "Nobody has stayed in them."
"I am sure you could get new ones."
"I don't want new ones, I like my old ones."
"The rooms in the dungeons?", she asked disbelievingly.
He nodded.
"They're nicer than you would think. You can see them, if you like, once I'm back."
"I'd love to."
"Listen, Hermione…", he started, but didn't continue.
He had thought about this conversation for two weeks, but still didn't know how to make up for his terrible mistake.
"I want to apologise for not telling you about my plans", he started carefully.
"Don't. You don't have to, I completely understand…"
"Let me finish please", he said quietly and she stopped speaking.
He took a deep breath.
"I went to Potter because he had offered to speak to Bill Weasley about my Gringotts vault. Something came up, and I really needed the vault, so I asked Potter to help me out. I wanted to surprise you, so I did it behind your back. I should have talked to you about it, I owe you so much."
What did you just say? Have you lost your mind? Severus Snape owes nobody anything.
"You owe me nothing, don't be silly", she interrupted him, as if she had heard his demons. He simply ignored her.
"I found a house to buy. It's a muggle place. Bill helped me transfer my money from Arraxy to Gringotts and he sorted out the transfer to my muggle account as well, so I bought it."
"Oh Merlin, Sev", Hermione gasped. "That is incredible! How.. I mean, when… I mean… Gosh, Severus!"
"I can't go there yet. It belonged to an elderly couple. They will move out into a nursing home within the next few weeks, I said I only needed it by July", he explained. "I just bought it. I wanted to show you that I am serious about coming back to England, even if I hadn't gotten the job. But because I can only go there in July, I wanted to keep it a secret until then…"
Since when are you so talkative, you bloody wimp? What has gotten into you?
But he was on autopilot. He needed her to know. He looked at her and thought about how to explain his motivation. He still had vivid images in his head, of his planned surprise. They had involved her under him, in his bed. It had obviously just been a fantasy, and he wanted to slap himself for thinking about it now.
Sick fantasies, that's what they are.
"I had planned to renovate it and then invite you during the summer. To pay you back for the time in Grasse…", he said quietly and looked into his cup of tea.
"Gods, Sev!" Hermione buried her face in her hands. "I am so incredibly sorry. I've been such a jealous, petty goat!"
"No, don't", he said softly and Hermione looked up at him. "I'd still like to surprise you, if you agree to act surprised."
The corner of his mouth twitched a bit. She had been jealous. He didn't know what exactly had made her jealous, but for some twisted reason he liked it.
She looked at him, and the adoration in her eyes made his heart ache. Everything about her evoked a tenderness inside him that he had never experienced before.
He wanted to kiss her in that moment, but he was frozen. Her gaze wandered and met his. He sank into her eyes, the soft warmth swallowed him and he never wanted to emerge again. He let Hermione lose herself in the dark depth of his eyes, where heat, and hope, and fear waited for her.
In that moment, both their longings met and without any physical touch, they slipped into an intimacy that neither had expected.
What is wrong with you? Get out! Out of here, you twat. Out!
"It's late", Severus croaked, and slightly coughed to cover up the shakiness of his voice. Hermione swallowed hard.
"I should go", he said brusquely and got up. He tried to look at her blankly, but his eyes betrayed him.
"Thank you for tea. I'll find my way to the gate."
He put the cup down and made his way to the door. Hermione got up to follow him.
"Write me?"
He nodded. "I'll be around a lot the next weeks, I suspect."
His eyes wandered to hers one last time, before he hastily left her rooms and made his way across the castle grounds to the entrance gate.
His thoughts were racing. What had just happened? Did he imagine it? Was it possible, that he wasn't as lonely and isolated as he thought? Did she think of him in the same way he thought of her?
It couldn't be possible. The cool air helped him get level-headed. It was late and he had had an extraordinary day. He looked at Hogwarts one last time and left the grounds to disapparate.
Over a thousand miles away, he landed in Arraxy and entered the pharmacy via the back door. It was late at night and nobody was around. He went into his flat and sat down at his small table, thinking about the day.
Although there was a lot to think about, his mind kept on wandering to Hermione. He tried to push her memory away, repeating parts of his conversation with Minerva in his head. Although she had been aware of his history, he had felt like he owed her an explanation for many of the things he had done, or not done.
However, even these serious thoughts couldn't stop Hermione's face from appearing in front of his inner eye. He remembered how she had walked down the path towards the gate, in her teaching robes. He remembered the look on her tender face when she saw him, the way she had put up her hair, those loose curls that tickled her cheeks, and how she had pushed them behind her ear.
He remembered her in her classroom. How she had flicked her wand and danced discreetly to the music, the yellow birds flying around the room and chairs rearranging themselves around her. He remembered what it had felt like to hold her, how natural it had been, how much he had longed to be held like this in her arms.
He remembered her curious, warm eyes fixed on him. He had seen the fondness in her gaze, he had felt the longing that had radiated around her. He had felt their magic prickling in the air.
Her fawn eyes had been filled with an unknown heat that had captured him, had entered into his soul and filled his body with a yearning far beyond physical desire.
However, he could not deny his bodily passion as he sat there thinking about her. He could feel the pleasant pain rising in his groin and her memory made it even more unbearable.
He got up and went into the bathroom, turning on the shower and waiting for the room to go completely foggy. Taking all his clothes off he stepped into the shower.
He had never been the man to give in to his desires, but tonight he didn't want to deny himself the pleasure.
He needed a few minutes to calm down. He was leaning against the wall and his body was oddly relaxed. He hadn't masturbated in a long time and it had nearly been painful. He washed himself, his mind racing.
You fucking, brainless moron.
This was stupid, he should have just gone to a brothel. Having pleased himself to the memory of Hermione would make it impossible for him to interact with her. He had masturbated and had sex in brothels before, but never with another woman on his mind.
But now? It hadn't just been the physical pleasure this time. He wanted to be one with her, in body, and soul, and magic. He longed after her as a person, as a whole. He wanted to make love to her mind and to her spirit, as well as to her soft flesh.
He went to bed but didn't sleep for a long time. He thought about her, how he would like to bury his fingers in her warm flesh, hear her say his name, kiss her tender skin. He thought about how caring and soft he wanted to be with her, as well as just grabbing her ruthlessly and thrusting into her without sense.
He didn't feel bad about touching himself again later that night.
The Easter Holidays passed quickly and Hermione found herself in a rather stressful routine during the next few weeks.
Fifth year students were increasingly visiting her during her office hours to ask for extra tuition before their O.W.L. exams and Hermione tried to convey to the other years that they needed to stay on top of the curriculum so they wouldn't fall behind next year.
"Five points from Gryffindor for not doing your homework, Miss Wood. This question would have easily been answered, had you read the assigned chapter", Hermione said and the girl had the decency to look ashamed.
"I have noticed that the majority of you doesn't deem it necessary to read the assigned chapters for each week", she said to her third year Charms class.
"I know it's summer and we all want to enjoy the sun outside, but if I find you unprepared again next week, I will assign essays instead of reading. I will not grade your end of year exams lightly, neither will the external examiner."
She continued the lesson and to her delight she could see that at least they had practiced their summoning and banishing charms.
She didn't see much of Severus, but she tried to not worry about it. They had written letters and they had met twice in London for a day, once to just have lunch in a muggle café and once at Harry's to talk through some more technicalities. There was no awkwardness between them, but an odd tension that didn't want to resolve. It wasn't unpleasant, but it also didn't let her go.
Severus had agreed with them, when Hermione, Harry, Ron and Ginny had proposed to inform the Weasley's about his return. Ron had met him for the first time last week, and to everyone's surprise there had been no casualties. Ron had managed to be his usual, relaxed self, and Severus had hated it. Everything was fine.
She had noticed that he wasn't happy about the Weasley family knowing of his return at this stage, but he knew it was better than leaving it up to Rita Skeeter to spread the word.
To Hermione's astonishment Severus got along with Harry, Ron and Ginny as well as one could have hoped for, but he obviously didn't admit it.
"How grand it must be to strut around the ministry and have the Minister of Magic fulfil your every wish", he sneered as they left the Potter's house and went to get some coffee before Hermione had to apparate back to Hogwarts.
"How grand it must be to be as conceited as you are", she jibed at him. "Come off it, he's having the Minister of Magic fulfil your wishes! You might want to think about your hate-talk."
He snorted into his coffee.
Hermione knew he only made the snide remark, because he felt like a burden. She had talked to Harry and Ron about it too, trying to explain as much of Severus's psych as she knew. Which wasn't much, but it helped ignore his often disdainful behaviour. Although Ginny had told her that Harry gave out about Severus just as much as the other way around.
"When are you done at Hogwarts?", he asked her.
"The students are leaving at the end of this week", she said. "The staff will sort out their things over the weekend and then we have a meeting on Monday. I will be down here again on Tuesday."
He nodded and she thought that he probably knew the end of year routine better than her.
"Minerva will announce your appointment on Monday", she added.
He just nodded again, taking a sip of his coffee.
"Probably so everyone has a month to digest the news and prepare themselves, before you can scare the bejesus out of them at the end of August", she joked.
"The what?"
"Never mind."
He seemed like he wanted to say something and Hermione stopped in her tracks to look at him. "Yes?"
"Can I pick you up on Friday?"
"For the surprise?", she said cheekily. "Sure."
She saw a small smile tuck on his lips, and they parted to apparate to each of their respective destinations.
"The secured floo passage from Penny's office to her house in Hogsmeade will remain, so she will be able to receive messages, just as she does at the moment. She is a valuable member of staff and it is in my interest and in the interest of the school to keep her as Head of Hufflepuff."
Penny, who was heavily pregnant by now, sat in her chair and smiled at the headmistress.
"Thank you, Minerva", she said. "I am looking forward to my new position."
There was a bit of chatting between the staff members whilst Minerva sorted out her notes. Everyone was eager for the expected news and Hermione caught Minerva's eye before she continued her agenda.
"I appointed Professor Severus Snape as the new Potions Master", she said matter-of-factly, openly looking into the round to catch their reaction. "He will also be taking over Horace as the Head of Slytherin."
The silence in the room was suffocating. Hermione studied the faces around her. Filius's expression was blank and she wondered if Minerva had informed him prior to this meeting. Neville looked sick, and Penny looked shocked. Luna had a curious, thoughtful expression painted on her face.
Hermione jumped inwardly, when surprisingly, Hagrid started speaking.
"Does someone care ta explane, hea'mistress?"
Hermione coughed quietly to grab everyone's attention, but only Luna and Hestia looked at her.
"Professor Snape survived the war and has spent the last ten years abroad", she started speaking and more heads turned into her direction. "I have met him some time ago and convinced him to return to England."
What a blatant lie.
"Why do we only find out after ten years that he is alive?", Hestia asked.
"He didn't want anybody to know", Hermione said.
"How did he survive?", Septima Vector asked quietly and Hermione remembered that they had worked together regularly.
"He had been taking an antidote to snake venom over months, and has built up an immunity."
"How did the ministry not find him?", Penelope Clearwater asked.
"He was working as a spy", Luna said to everyone's surprise. "If anybody can hide, then it's him."
Hermione appreciated her friend's sound mind.
"But there was a memorial", Neville said.
"Without a body", Hermione explained, starting to feel sensitive. "Nobody bothered looking for him", she said icily. They all went quiet, because they knew it was true.
After the meeting there was a lot of talk in the corridor. Neville and Luna walked up to her.
"I knew something has been positively occupying your mind", Luna said to her. "I just didn't know it would be this kind of positive", she smiled looking at Neville dreamily.
"I am not sure how happy I am about this", Neville said, the terrors of his past flaring up in his eyes. "You have a lot of explaining to do, Mione!"
"I will", she sighed. "But let's catch up over the summer, alright?"
She lowered her voice. "I don't want everyone here to eavesdrop and carry away half-truths."
"They'll do that anyway", Luna said lightly.
"Write us a letter and come up to stay with us, alright?", Neville said to her.
They had bought a house in Wales and Hermione had often visited them, when she was still doing her studies.
"I think she will be rather busy this summer", Luna said. "Let's leave. Hermione really wants to go."
They walked down to the main gate, and Hermione kept on thinking about Luna's comment. She hoped she'd be busy this summer, and she had a vivid imagination about what 'busy' would look and feel like.