Hello everyone!
I am so sorry for taking so long with this chapter. As some of you have seen on my Tumblr and Insta, I am currently going wild in my garden! I harvested some veg already and had three meals that were made purely of my own vegetables and herbs! (I did buy Gnocchi to go with it though :D)
Anyway, that's my poor excuse for being a lousily slow writer!
For those of you who want to read the full version again: search for FEATHER AND ROCK by mynameisnicse on AO3 xxx
It's a rather explicit chapter again, I am trying to *set the tone*. Little or rather slow plot movement, lots of love and tenderness :D
However, the plot will move forwards again from the next chapter! Promise! I just find it important to make very clear how well the two of them get on :D
I am having great fun writing love scenes actually! It sometimes makes me squeak in excitement :D Let me know what you think!
Again, thank you everyone for reading, your continuous support and lovely messages on Tumblr/FFNet.
You are my heroes and stars and the loveliest people out there! *.*
You cannot imagine what you are doing to my self-esteem. I am bouncing these days!
Enjoy Chapter 21 xxx
Song Recommendation
SHADOW - BIRDY
Severus carefully pulled his arm out from under Hermione.
She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The air around her was like the breath of spring, her soft skin glowing in the early morning light.
He sat next to her on the bed, reluctant to leave her side. If he left, he might not have the chance to come back. What if she woke up and decided it had all been a terrible idea? She would get up and leave him and that would be it. He should stay here and enjoy the last moments he had with her.
He sighed quietly and tenderly stroke her head. It was a surprisingly lovely morning after the rainy night. The sun was shining into the room onto Hermione's back and her beautiful hair was shimmering in the warm summer light. Her eyes were shut and her mouth slightly open. She had rolled onto her tummy as he had moved away from her and the blanket only covered the bottom half of her body.
He felt an urge rising, to hold her close and never let her go. He wanted her to stay with him until the world came to an end. A fervent desire had taken over him last night and it simply wouldn't leave him anymore. She was everything.
Or rather, everything was her. She was the constant in his life, and there was nothing in this world that he could compare her to. The stars nearly shone like her eyes, the moon nearly copied her calm nature, the sun was nearly as bright as her spirited mind. She was the optimum of everything in Severus's world.
But who was he? He was nothing compared to her.
He got up and went to the bathroom to put on trousers, before he made his way downstairs to set up coffee.
He would destroy her. It was in his nature. She was the beauty of the earth and he was a bitter force that ruthlessly brought everything to nought. Even now, when he wasn't close to her, he felt a violent desire to own her.
His soul had been like a dry patch of earth, thirsting for rain, and she had given it to him. She was rain and fire at once. She stilled his thirst and she burnt his heart with desire. Her whispers were like the wind in his sails, and her steady breath under him like a safe haven during a storm. Her touch was the sword he could fight the world with, and her words were the shield that protected him from eternal destruction.
The hot water was dripping through the filter and he made his way back upstairs. He didn't trust his own eyes as he looked at her in his bed. He wanted the image to be burnt into the inside of his skull, so he could see it whenever he liked.
How could he possibly ever let her go?
Hermione took a deep breath and sighed. Her eyes were closed, and a smile appeared on her lips and it made his heart burst.
"Coffee?", she murmured and stretched out across the bed.
He didn't say anything and simply stayed where he was, leaning against the doorframe.
She opened her eyes lazily and looked at him. A softness radiated around her, that he had always known was there, but only actively noticed now.
"Come here", she said quietly and stretched out one arm.
He walked over to her and sat down on the edge of the bed. Her soft fingers started caressing his bare back.
"What is on your mind?", she asked.
He looked at her over his shoulder. He didn't know how to put his thoughts into words. How could he ever find the words to describe his feelings and thoughts? How could he tell her, that he was wondering when she would leave him? And how he could possibly cope with the emptiness that would leave behind.
She seemed to notice that his mind had wandered off, because her eyes filled with tenderness and she sat up to kiss his shoulder.
"I can tell you what is on my mind", she whispered into his ear, her chin resting on his shoulder.
"I can hardly believe I've survived so long without nights like the last. And I can hardly imagine a better way of waking up in the morning, than the way I did just now."
She kissed his neck and he turned his face to find her lips. After a moment she broke the kiss and sighed quietly into his ear.
"I am afraid I have to go now and drink some of this coffee. The scent gives me nearly as much pleasure as you do."
They spent the morning having breakfast in the sun and taking a shower, before looking after their new apothecary and vegetable gardens.
At some point in the afternoon Hermione gasped and looked at Severus.
"A thought…", she said. "I have a thought."
She jumped up and ran into the house. A moment later she came back out and sat down on the table. She unpacked her beaded little handbag and pulled out papers and a pen.
Severus walked over to her and only quickly checked what she was writing about. When he realised, she was working on arithmantic equations, he resolved to go inside and prepare food.
The next couple of weeks passed in a similar fashion. They would go to concerts and they went to two art exhibitions that Hermione wanted to see. Whenever they felt like it, they hunted down a book shop or a café to spend their afternoon in, but most of the time they enjoyed the summer in Severus's garden.
They slept with one another whenever it pleased them, which could be multiple times a day or on the odd occasion not at all. They made love everywhere; in Severus's house, in Hermione's flat or in Severus's garden.
One weekend they apparated to France so Severus could sort out some things with Guillaume. At first, he didn't want Hermione to come.
"I don't care what people say!", she said to him, angry like a small child.
"You should", he said coolly.
"Stop it, Sev!"
They stood in his potions lab and he was sorting some things that they had bought in Diagon Alley earlier that day.
"One might think you haven't read the headlines recently", he snarked.
The Daily Prophet had written about Severus Snape's return, excessively. And they hadn't been very kind.
Hermione hopped onto the worktop in the middle of the room and watched him. He looked tense and had his back turned to her.
"If you come to Arraxy and the Nancy's find out about us, especially Clemency, the whole wizarding world will know soon", he added a little bit less hostile, but still coolly.
"They're not that kind of people", Hermine argued.
"And how would you know?", he snarled. "The more people that know about it, the more likely it is that word spreads. It's a basic logical concept. Once word gets too far, people will start questioning my appointment at Hogwarts. They will think I got the job because I sleep with you."
"So what?", she snapped. "Let them think what they want."
Severus sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"You know yourself that it's not that easy", she said. "Hogwarts is the only magic educational institution on these islands. If people start questioning the appointment of professors…"
"People believe what they want to believe", she said.
"We have agreed to keep it down for now. You have said yourself that your friends would probably not be taking it so well and…-"
"No, Severus", she snapped. "You said my friends won't be taking it well!"
"Hermione…" His voice was softer now and he walked up to her.
"Are you ashamed of me?", she asked him bluntly.
Severus stopped in his tracks and looked at her shocked.
"I'm sorry", she said quietly. "Forget I said that."
"I would never be…-"
"It's ok, Sev. I shouldn't have asked that. I know we've only been seeing gone another for… I mean we've been like this only for a few…-"
She couldn't finish her sentence because Severus kissed her fiercely on the mouth. His hands held her face and after a moment Hermione sank into the kiss.
"I will never be ashamed of you. Not in a thousand years. And it doesn't matter how long we have been together. Do you understand me?"
He looked at her sternly and she nodded.
He kissed her again, softer and a bit longer, before he let her go and turned back to his shelves. A smile spread on Hermione's face.
He thinks you are together.
"What if I stay in Grasse and you visit me there?", she said quietly after a while, trying again to convince him.
He didn't say anything for a while and Hermione got up to wrap her arms around him from behind.
"I can just take all my research papers and work on them. I'll buy fresh food on the market and you join me in the evening when you're done."
And that was how Severus ended up sitting in the swimming pool of the Granger's holiday home with Hermione slowly riding on top of him; kissing her and making love to her on a hot summer night at the beginning of August.
Later, when he was lying on a lounger on the patio, staring into the star-studded sky, with Hermione steadily breathing next to him and her warm breasts poking into his chest, he couldn't stop a quiet, love drunken chuckle to overcome him.
Just over a year ago he had first felt the desire to be with her, right here.
On a rainy day about a week before they had to go back to Hogwarts, Severus and Hermione were sat in Severus's kitchen. Although it was not particularly cold in the house, she wore one of Severus's thicker jumpers to keep herself warm.
"If you would wear trousers and socks, you wouldn't need a jumper", he said gruffly.
"If I wore trousers and socks, I'd be too hot", she said, casually turning a page of the local Muggle newspaper. After some more ridiculous headlines they had started to use the Daily Prophet as kindling for the stove.
"Impertinent wench", he snarled.
She just chuckled and payed him no more attention.
"When are you going to the Weasley girl?", he asked.
He had been in a funny mood all day, because Hermione had told him the day before that Ginerva Weasely had been informed about their relationship. It didn't bother him per se, but it made him feel uneasy. One witch now knew… how long would it take until all of Britain knew?
Additionally, what would her friends say? They'd mock her mercilessly, question her sanity at best, and at worst, and much more likely, they'd cut her off completely. Who would understand her decision to be with him? He didn't, and despite Hermione's reaffirmations, he didn't think that Miss Weasley did.
He could understand that it was important for Hermione to have someone to talk to, but it bothered him. He didn't want her to lose her friends because of him. Also, he trusted nobody, and it would only take so long until the drama would begin. And by Merlin, how much he hated drama.
Although, he sometimes couldn't help but create exactly that by himself. Like now. He had been moody and grumpy, and he made a fully-fledged Shakespearian play out of it. He knew she was always gone too long when she was with any of her friends, and he dreaded it.
She had been to Wales to see the Longbottoms and she had been to the Potters quite regularly. He didn't want to stop her from going of course, but he despised the feeling of waiting for her, the longing growing stronger every second. It was excruciating and the fact that he contradicted himself in his thoughts, made it even worse.
He would never let her know of course. He was possessive to an extreme and he didn't like it himself. He knew that he wasn't the only person in her life. Maybe that was the problem; she was the only person in his, and he didn't even want anyone else.
Like you stated so nicely yourself: the perfect plot for a drama. Idiot.
"It's nice that you stopped calling them the Potter-rabble, but you could still try and just call her Ginny. Or Mrs Potter if you must", she ripped him out of his thought.
He frowned at her and she took a sip of her coffee and bit of her toast. She was beautiful, but he was grouchy.
"May I have an answer to my question?", he drawled.
"Perhaps I leave now. Penny and Ron will be there too. They had their daughter a week ago, did I tell you? I can't wait to congratulate them. I ought to get them something."
"Didn't you make that charmed sleeping-blanket for the child?", he asked.
"Well, yes. But I want to get something else additionally."
She grinned, gave Severus a quick peck on the mouth and got up to leave the kitchen.
"Not. So. Quick." His voice had fully gone back into Professor-Snape-mode.
Hermione sheepishly returned and looked at him worriedly from where she stood in the doorway.
He got up. Crossing his arms in front of his chest, he looked down his hooked, Roman nose, eying her sternly.
"Don't think you get away with that", he said gravely. "Kiss me properly."
Hemione's shoulders had gone rigid in apprehending danger, but now her frame relaxed in happy relief and she returned to him laughing. For some sick reason he liked it, that he could still frighten her with just the tone of his voice.
"Come down here then", she said with her arms wrapped around his torso and her chin lifted high. He was too tall for her to reach his mouth.
Hermione kissed him so passionately, it stood in no comparison to her earlier peck. As soon as it had set fire to his longing heart, she pulled back and smirked at him.
"I go and see the Potter-rabble now."
Then she bounced up the staircase, dancing like the fairest spirit in the universe. Severus's eyes followed her, and he wondered if that was part of the mystery behind her. She could calm the most violent storms inside him, whilst also being a fervent vehemence when his mind and soul lay in stillness.
He wasn't left with much more time to think about it because she returned, dressed in her own clothes.
"I might sort myself out at home", she said stroking her hands over the cardigan that she had transformed out of her blouse.
"You can bring things here if you like", he said calculatedly, trying to hide how afraid he was, that she could reject his offer.
"I'd like that very much", she said with a smile.
He accompanied her up the hill to the apparition point. It was drizzling a little bit and although Hermione had cast a charm to shield them from the wet, the humidity made her hair curl wildly around her face. He softly pushed a few strands behind her ear.
"Don't be too long", he said.
"How could I not?", she asked looking at him. "Every minute will be too long."
There was the echo of a thousand promises in her words, and he kissed her dearly before she turned to disapparate.
Severus kept himself busy all day. He cut some plants in the garden and dealt with them in the Potions lab, chopping them up to dry or storing them away in labelled containers. He also apparated to Scarborough and bought some food to keep them going until they left for Hogwarts.
He started working on a new potion and he only noticed how much time had passed when he got hungry and made himself some dinner around seven o'clock. Hermione had left shortly after breakfast, and although he realised that she had been gone for a while he didn't want to drive himself mad over it.
He was restless and his thoughts were hunting him. When she wasn't around, it seemed like his brain seemed to fog up with evil and torturous thoughts. He kept on rubbing his Dark Mark subconsciously. Even after more than ten years, his mind still expected the stinging pain when it thought of the past.
He was longing for Hermione. He felt safe with her, and easy. His demons couldn't do anything to him when she was around, because as soon as they surfaced, she was there, and she handled them as tenderly and as kindly as everything else. It was as if even his darkest memories lay still before her, as if they had just waited for her to quieten their rage.
The house felt lifeless and simultaneously quite uneasy without her. He was on edge, but told himself that she would surely return soon.
However, at eleven at night Hermione still hadn't come home and she had been away for over twelve hours at that stage. Maybe she was just at her flat or with her parents.
She might be at her actual home, you idiot. Do you really think she'd called your house her home? Pathetic.
Severus was pacing through all the rooms in the house, trying to calm his unsettled mind, but nothing would give his thoughts any rest.
What if something had happened to her? What if she had taken the Tube to get from one place to the other and somebody had laid a hand on her? What if some sick Death Eater had spotted and taken her?
Severus shook himself. These thoughts wouldn't help. She had been perfectly fine for ten years without anybody doing her any harm, there was no need to worry.
But during those ten years he hadn't been here. Although he had not started at Hogwarts yet, word had spread. The Prophet had written about him and Hermione being spotted in Diagon Alley only last week. England knew Severus Snape was back, and therefore former Death Eaters, who were still holding on to their beliefs in the shadows, knew he was back. If anyone gave more thought to their outing and had realised that he had spent so much time with Hermione, she was an easy target.
It was half past one at night when Severus decided to apparate to Grimmauld Place.
He went outside and hurried up the hill. His hands were shaking, so he formed fists and clenched his jaw. When he had nearly reached the apparition point, he heard a quiet plop and saw Hermione appear in the darkness.
"Oh, hello!", she beamed and bounced towards him. "You didn't need to pick me up!"
She wanted to hug him, but his back went rigid in an instant.
"Where were you?", he snapped.
"With Harry and Ginny and the babies, like I told you."
She sounded warily now and looked at him with furrowed brows. However, she kept her calm and walked past him towards the house.
"All day and all night long?", he bellowed and followed her.
"Yes", she acknowledged.
"And you couldn't have sent a Patronus or an owl to let me know you'd be out until…" He cast a quick tempus charm. "… nearly two in the morning?"
"One doesn't just send a Patronus for trivial messages. And how should I have sent it anyway, if you don't want my friends to know about us. They would have wondered whom I would possibly have to inform about my belated return."
Hermione bent slightly to open the gate and then entered the garden. He could feel that she was completely unbothered by his temper and it made him even angrier.
"Trivial messages?", he snapped.
"Yes", she said and opened the door into the house. "Nobody was is in immediate danger and you knew where I was."
She kicked off her shoes and went into the kitchen to boil the kettle. Leaning onto the counter she looked at him with her head slightly tilted. The sight of her right there made him immediately calm down.
How did she do it? He had been anxious all day and upset all evening, and here she stood looking at him with these tranquil, brown eyes and a warmth filled him, that he could not find without her. He felt safe, knowing she was here with him. She was safe, and that was all that mattered.
He sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"I was worried."
"I know", she said more apprehensively. "I will try to let you know the next time."
He lifted his head and met her eyes. She was looking at him like a scared doe, waiting for his bark. He wanted to kick himself in the arse for being such a spiteful creature, that she justifiably only expected him to lash out at her. He needed to be better than that, for her.
The urge to hold her overwhelmed him and he went up to her, framing the fairy face with his rough hands. He kissed her forehead softly and let his lips rest there for a moment.
"I'm glad you came back."
Hermione sank against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. He rested his chin on her head.
"Don't be silly. I always will."
He didn't believe her, but he didn't say it. He knew that the day would come when she would stop being with him and all he could hope for was that the pain wouldn't strangle him; that she would still be teaching at Hogwarts so he could at least relish in her sight. It would kill him every day, but he'd rather die a hundred deaths than never lay his eyes on her again.
"What are you thinking?", she asked him.
He just shook his head.
Just the thought of not holding her like this one day made his heart grow anxious and cold.
"Don't think of it, Sev." Her hands reached up to his face and her eyes said more than a thousand words. "Kiss me."
How did she always know what was going on in his mind? She instinctively was the cure to all his ailments. Her words were running over his scarred heart like a healing ointment, her touch was the remedy for his demolished soul and her presence the dope for his dulled spirit.
He kissed her fervently at first and lovingly after a moment, stroking her hair and caressing her cheek with his thumb.
"Would you like something to eat?", he asked.
"No, it's late", she said smiling at him.
"Nonsense."
He turned away and began to get things out of the fridge. Hermione had recommended getting one.
"I will not let you sleep before sunrise and I hope to keep you in bed until after noon. You need food now."
She chuckled and came to hug him from behind whilst he started to prepare a pancake mix.
"You're every woman's dream", she muttered into his back.
He just wanted to be hers. What did he care about any other woman but her?
She had chastised him for saying she was not like her friends, but he had meant it. She was not like anyone he knew. She didn't understand that he wasn't comparing her to anyone or anything. It was a fruitless endeavour, because there was nothing to compare her to.
She set herself apart from the world around her. Her sheer existence, her mind and her soul were on another level, that not even she did realise. And he knew he could possibly only catch a glimpse of the world that lay behind these fawn eyes.
It was her level of understanding. She understood the world and she understood people, but people didn't understand her. And she had become used to being the person that wasn't understood.
He didn't assume that he did understand her level of consciousness, but he knew that it was different. She truly cared, unlike most people. Most people cared because it made them feel smug about themselves to do something good. But she truly believed in caring for others and for the world, and she fought for what she believed in.
She felt all the facets of human emotions, hers and those of the people around her. She knew what was going on inside of him, even when he didn't know it himself, and he suddenly realised that he did not know at all what was going on inside of her.
He watched her eat and wondered about it for some time, until he decided that there was only one way to find out.
"What do you dream about?"
She looked at him surprised, her mouth full of food and her eyebrows raised. She swallowed and shook her head, smiling at him. It was the most endearing thing in the world, and the late night made it more surreal than it already was.
"You wouldn't want to know."
He just continued to look at her, knowing she'd soon speak again.
"I prefer to dream with my eyes open", she said. "It gives my mind room to think."
Did she not want to tell him? Did she not trust him with that information? He didn't blame her.
"My dreams are rarely of any meaning", she said thoughtfully. "I believe in living my dreams; doing what I love; things that make my heart smile and each breath worthwhile. You would not believe how empty dreams become when you live your life to the fullest."
She looked at him with a glint in her eyes.
"I only dreamed of you, when I couldn't live my dream."
"And are you now?", he asked quietly. "Living your dream?"
"I am."
"How can you know?"
"I simply do it. That's how dreams work."
He looked at her concentratedly. He couldn't work her out and it was frustrating but stimulating at once. He was mad for her. Her expressing that he was her dream was driving him into passionate longing, but her complete ignorance for the fact that there were unattainable things in live left him baffled.
"Surely you must believe that there is something beyond you, an existence or hope."
"And why would I need to believe that?", she asked.
"What use would human creation be if we were only contained here, in this world, in these bodies, without any hope or dreams that we could aim for? Only in our dreams we can be truly free."
She looked at him thoughtfully.
"Don't you think it is the fact that we're doomed, that maybe nothing is beyond our existence, that makes life so romantic and exciting? Tell me", she said. "Where would you rather be than here, in this world and in these bodies? Where would you be freer than you are right now, right here."
He didn't need to think. She was right. His onyx eyes fixed on hers and he tried to soak her in, her mind, her presence.
He couldn't let go of his iron belief. He did have the notion, that there was something else, something beyond the veil like she said, beyond their sole existence. But he also felt that he was suddenly filled with life and strength and passion, and that he couldn't imagine anything better, anything beyond this.
Had she made his dreams reality for him? Yes, she had. She had projected her way of living onto him and it only struck him now.
But he wasn't free at all; he was hers. Not because she demanded him to be so, but because he couldn't help it.
Did he want to change that? Did he want to know what it would feel like to be free of her? Would there be any other place in this universe or beyond it?
There was nowhere else he wanted to be, and nobody else he wanted to be. For once in his life, he was happy to be Severus Snape and to be living this bastard's dream. Nothing could fulfil him more at this very moment in time than his own life. Heaven would look pale beside his world, and the gods would bow before him for creating a place that was more glorious than their own kingdom.
Of course, he hadn't created anything, he was in the same world that he had been in for over forty years, he was the same person, and yet, everything was entirely different.
He couldn't wait to explore this realm of hope and love and life.
"Let me love you", he said to her, his black eyes overflowing with tenderness.
Hermione looked at him silently only for a moment before she got up and walked over to stand in front of him. She stretched out her hand, he took it and together they made their way upstairs.
Severus closed the door behind him and was surprised by himself for a moment. He never closed his bedroom door. But tonight, he couldn't care less about what was happing outside of this room. The world could come to an end around them, he would not notice. The fires of hell could be burning down the earth, he would gladly burn with it, if it gave him only one moment longer with her. The stairway to heaven could be opening up in front of him, he would not take it.
She noticed that he had stopped in his tracks and stepped closer to him, lifting up her cardigan.
"Don't", he whispered and held her by her wrists.
He kissed the inside of her lower arms and palms.
"Let me..."
He took the cardigan by the seam and pulled it over her head. She wore only a lace bralette underneath. It ignited a flame right under his sternum.
"You are…" His voice was thick with endearment. "… the most beautiful… creation."
She laughed quietly and kissed him, but he felt like he needed to tell her so much. He broke the kiss and looked at her, but he did not know the words to express himself.
Instead she took his face into her hands.
"You don't need to say anything. Your expression is quite readable tonight."
She smiled this breath-taking smile of hers, and he knew that it was the last thing he would want to see on his deathbed.
"I can see it right there", she said and looked him deep in the eye.
He kissed her and his hands wandered down the side of her body. The delicate curve of her waist made him shiver and he carefully pushed her towards the bed.