Hello everyone,
here is the long promised chapter!
I am so sorry I have been so slow recently, life has kept me busy! But there are a few chapters ready now, so updates will happen more regularly again!
I want to warn you about this chapter, it is one that is very dear to me, but it dives into the sensitive topic of self harm. It is neither graphic nor violent, but I feel obliged to warn you nonetheless.
Self harm is a very emotional topic for me, and I tried to express some of my thoughts about it. I sincerely hope that I do not offend anybody with this chapter, and I have added more notes at the end of it for your reference.
With that said, the tone will get lighter after this chapter, and I hope you are not too shook by it.
The song recommendation is an unusual one. It is a classical piece that I have sung for my exams by Gustav Mahler.
'Urlicht" is the soul's question and struggle about God and one's own existence after death. It expresses the wish for redemption and for something beyond our earthly existence. It also expresses a hope that God/Death will accept us despite all our sins, and grant us a blissful eternal peace.
I found it very fitting for this chapter, and in my opinion it is one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever created. I particularly like Ruby Hughes adaption, as she has a very light, bright and angelic voice (compared to the more mature and heavy mezzo sopranos or contraltos that usually sing the piece). I like the connection of her lightness with the heavy meaning of the words, but the peaceful resolution and hopeful ending. It reminds me of the fact that even in the most bitter cold, and despite of us, the world and life can and will eventually always turn for the better.
With that said, please enjoy chapter 23 and leave me your thoughts in the comments xxx
Thanks for reading and sticking with me, even though I have been so lousy at updating xxx
Song Recommendation
URLICHT – GUSTAV MAHLER SYMPHONY 2 – voice and piano - Ruby Hughes, Jospeh Middleton
Hermione walked to the window in Severus's living room and looked out onto the lake. It was a sunny day, but not much light entered the room.
"It is very different to your house", she said whilst tying up her hair.
Severus shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't thought about it very much, but she was right.
"I was much younger when I first moved into these rooms. They haven't changed much since."
"You could change them now?", she said.
He shook his head.
"No, I like them as they are. Come this way."
He walked to the corner of the living room where a wooden door was hidden between two bookshelves. He opened it and beckoned Hermione to walk through. It was a narrow and dark corridor, with a few steps leading upwards and a few leading down.
"I am glad they left in this passage way. Professor Dumbledore added it when I was first spying for him."
He didn't want to think about his former master and quickly instructed her to walk upstairs.
"What's down there?", she asked, whilst taking the first few steps.
"My private lab."
She turned around and he nearly ran onto her. She stood higher than him, but their eyes were on the same level.
"You have a private Potions lab and you're not showing me it?" She crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"Later."
He gave her a kiss, glad that he didn't have to bend down and strain his neck for once. Not that he would have ever complained about it. He'd break his neck and more, for a single kiss from her.
"I also want to have a proper look at the new Potions classroom and take stock, maybe you'd like to join me?"
"I am sure Penny has a stocklist that she will give you", she said.
"It was already in the classroom. I still like to have a look myself. Who knows what Miss Haywood and plummy, old Slughorn have made up."
She leaned in, giving him a peck and smiling against his lips.
"You know, if you're nice to them, they might leave you all the ingredients I brought over from France."
He snorted.
"Don't you think I stocked myself well enough? Get outside now!"
He chased her up the stairs, before opening another door so they could step out onto the grounds.
"How convenient that passage is", she commented.
"It was then…", he replied thoughtfully. "And now, too. You can use it, if you like. Instead of the office door."
"How do we get to the main entrance?"
He nodded towards the water.
"We'll walk around the Black Lake. There is no direct way."
"That's at least a one hour walk", she said pouting her lips, but they began walking.
He raised an eyebrow at her.
"I don't want to walk for one hour each time before I can come to your rooms."
"You can't constantly be wandering around the dungeons", he replied.
"I am a professor", she snapped. "I can wander the dungeons and every other corridor at any time I like."
She opened the top buttons of her teaching robes. It was a very warm afternoon, but luckily he was used to his black ensemble and didn't need to unbutton his frock.
"Besides", she added. "I have good reason to be looking for you regularly. It is well known that some of the Slytherin girls come to me for advice."
"Really? For what?", he asked with his brows furrowed.
"Lady chats", she said casually.
He nodded once and fixed his gaze back onto their path. It was probably a good thing that they came to her for those conversations.
"There are more female teachers than just you", he said.
She understood the question, but simply shrugged her shoulders.
"You know yourself how it is. Some people have better chemistry than others, and if you are a young girl… well, you don't want to talk about it to a teacher just because she is the only female teacher. There are some girls I never see, I suppose they go to Madam Pomfrey or talk to another staff member. But for some reason Slytherin girls seem to come to me. Some boys too. But not very often, mainly for academic reasons."
He eyed her thoughtfully.
She was trustworthy and understanding, one couldn't deny that at all. And something about her presence was extremely comfortable, he had known that for a long time. Nobody else he knew had that quality, and he wondered if the Slytherin students had spotted it too.
Maybe it was her no-nonsense attitude. She wasn't overly fussy or emotional. She was level-headed and logical, yet understanding, soft and supporting. She didn't push people, and she always knew exactly how far she could go. She was safety, comfort and reason, as well as inspiration, motivation and passion, all in one.
He couldn't stop looking at her. She was a miracle, otherworldly and special, in every way. He would probably never work her out. And for some reason that didn't even bother him. He should have been worried, nervous, on edge… but he knew there was no need to know her every thought and motivation, because she wouldn't use it against him. It was a refreshing realisation.
"We'll find a way to see each other", he said. "We also have our research to work on."
"Oh, Merlin, yes!", she exclaimed. "We should really do some work on that again. But whenever we start working….", she sighed and then laughed. "… well, you would know best what happens instead."
She looked at him with fiery eyes, sparkling in the summer sun.
"I will make us a research plan. Dedicated library hours, potion lab hours and office hours. We have to get back on track", she said enthusiastically, yet slightly militarily, counting the points on her fingers.
The corners of his lips twitched slightly at her excitement and bossy nature.
They walked around the lake and as they reached Hagrid's hut, the half-giant joined them on their way up to the castle.
"Beautiful summer, innit?", Hagrid beamed. "Dead right ye're for havin' a walk in this weather! Ye'll sure soon be sittin' in them dark classrooms again, not gettin' any sun. Ya gotta bit of colour in France, aye, professur?"
Hagrid slapped Severus on the back and he nearly tripped. He saw how Hermione had to hold back a laugh and the look on his face darkened immediately.
"Suits ya, sir", Hagrid added, completely oblivious to Severus's testiness.
They reached the courtyard and entered the castle. To Severus's annoyance Longbottom was coming down the Transfiguration corridor into the entrance hall, accompanied by Miss Lovegood. The look on the boy's face was priceless, but he very quickly composed himself.
"Hi, Hermione!", he said, trying to sound casual but nervously throwing a quick glance at Severus.
It was tempting to bark at Longbottom, to say something cruel about his inability to grow balls, but he restrained himself.
Not necessary. She won't be impressed if you eat Longbottom alive.
"Welcome back, Professor Snape", Miss Lovegood addressed him. "What do you think of the new Potions Classroom?"
Severus had to hide his positive bewilderment at her talking to him.
"It is acceptable", he said courtly. "It is very sensible to supply the students with high quality cauldrons and utensils, although the previous care for the valuable items leaves much to be desired. It's hard to believe that a Potions Mastery had been given to a person that works so carelessly. A lot of the cauldrons need cleaning and lacquering and the stirring rods might as well be replaced."
Hermione turned around and shot him a reprimanding look.
"Well, that gives you a good basis to rebuilt your legendary detention-scheme", Longbottom said coolly.
Severus had to admit he was taken by surprise. He didn't expect a comment like that from ball-less Longbottom and he was mildly impressed. On the other hand he hated being reminded of his past in any capacity.
"Indeed", he drawled. "It is just a shame that I cannot give them out to you anymore, Professor Longbottom."
The younger man swallowed visibly and Severus couldn't supress a gleeful smirk.
"I never had a detention", Miss Lovegood said dreamily. "But I wouldn't mind spending some extra time in the Potions classroom. I believe that soon there might be a lot of libspats in the dungeons. Let's go."
The strange woman hooked her hand around Longbottom's arm and led the way up the staircase.
One colleague is a brainless moron and the other one a delirious lunatic. What a great prospect.
They arrived at the staff room early, which made it easier for Severus to settle in. He didn't want to have more than a dozen pairs of eyes massacring him.
"Severus", Minerva greeted him.
She was sat at the long table talking to Filius, who eyed him warily, and Septima Vector, who looked as if she had seen a ghost. Hermione greeted the headmistress and then left them to sit with her friends.
The headmistress got up and walked over to him. He subconsciously rubbed his forearm with his thumb.
By Merlin, how much had he dreaded to face them all. The last time he had seen them all together like this… standing up against him, fighting him… he didn't want to think about it. He clenched his teeth and swallowed, before Minerva joined him where he stood, a good bit away from the table. He didn't want to be close to them. In fact, he was afraid to be too close to anybody. They hated him, and they were right to do so.
The headmistress was a tall woman, only a little bit smaller than Severus himself. She didn't wear her usual pointed hat, but had her hair in her signature tight bun. Severus noticed, that her hair was still jet-black. He couldn't spot a single grey strand, and he was a bit jealous.
No need to be vain, there can't be much done with your looks, mate.
"Good to see you. I assume everything in your chambers is to your liking, or I would have heard by now?", she older witch said.
"You exceeded my expectations", he said inclining his head.
"Excellent", she returned.
Minerva sounded just as reasonable as he remembered her. He could feel a smile tucking on his lip, but he quickly banished the notion.
"You would traditionally take Horace's seat", she nodded towards a chair close to the top of the table where her own seat was. "But I guess you prefer your old sulking-corner?"
She raised her eyebrows at him in question.
He used to sit in a battered old armchair, hiding behind a book, when he had been attending staff meetings during his first tenure. He looked at the corner where it stood untouched. Only the accompanying table was new. He didn't want to sit there. It sent a cold shudder down his back when he thought of it.
"I think I'd like to be a little bit more involved this time round", he said after quick consideration. "I wouldn't mind a seat at the table."
"You still surprise me in my old age", Minerva chuckled.
Minerva was surprisingly upbeat and he tried to be civil, but he was tense. He even noticed it himself. Minerva had been nothing but understanding, kind and just ever since they had met again, yet he couldn't unclench his jaw, his back and shoulders were rigid and his demeanour cold as ice. He would have not admitted it in Merlin's four-hundred-forty years, but he was afraid. Of them, of himself, of his memories and the year to come.
He ended up sitting three chairs away from the headmistress with Filius and Penelope Clearwater between them. Miss Lovegood sat opposite of him and between Longbottom and Hermione. Her dreamy eyes were looking at him strangely, and his dark glares didn't do anything to unsettle her calm nature. She was the weirdest person he had ever met, and for some inexplicable reason he didn't even want to snap at her. She seemed to be in a different zone, and he wished he could join her wherever she was in her head.
A while later Miss Haywood took her seat to Minerva's left and Hestia Jones hesitated only for a moment, before sitting down next to him.
"Professor", she greeted him coolly.
He inclined his head in reply, and he noticed Hermione's nervous glance. She seemed to be more on edge than him, but only visibly. He looked as cool and controlled as ever, with a sea of fear and shame inside of him, whereas Hermione looked as worried as she actually was. Typical Gryffindor.
He furrowed his brows at her and was rewarded with a bright smile that tried to hide her concern. To his discomfort he realised that their interaction had been closely watched by the people around them, and he immediately resolved to fix his eyes on Minerva with a cold expression on his face.
There were a few new staff members that he didn't know. A middle aged man named Arimanius Murphy, was teaching muggle studies and running a school newspaper. He remembered that the man was a squib and that Hermione seemed to like him. Severus eyed him carefully and quickly decided that he would hate the man and make his life miserable whenever he was given the opportunity.
You could just ignore him, that would probably go down better with Hermione.
No, he would tantalise this man. He hated him already, with his friendly attitude and sickening smile.
Another man and a woman sat at the end of the table, and he guessed that they were the new flying instructor and classics teacher that Hermione had told him about.
The meeting itself was rather uneventful. Timetables and the list of new students were handed out, which he simply put into his pocket. Misses Haywood and Jones shortly introduced the role of the DADA administrator, which had been given to Miss Haywood.
Poppy Pomfrey announced that the Hogwarts Hospital and St Mungo's would start cooperating from this year, and healer trainees would be working at the school for three months during their apprenticeship. This was news to most of the staff members.
Of course, no other than Draco Malfoy would be supervising the scheme, and Severus could feel heat creeping up his neck at the news. It wasn't Draco's fault, but Severus associated him with people that he would much rather forget about.
Severus was very close to snapping as it was, and he noticed a slight pain in his jaw from clenching it so hard. But what bothered him even more were the glances he received, even from the people he didn't know. There was mistrust, contempt, nosiness and pure ignorance. He felt like a monkey in the zoo, or rather a vicious predator that needed to be watched warily.
He should have expected it; he had indeed expected it, but it still made him feel even more uncomfortable, which was never a good thing. The old staff members had all reason to hate him, and the new ones had clearly already formed an opinion.
He didn't want to be here. He had thought he would. It had been his safe place ever since he had first come here until… the Dark Lord had raided it to the ground. He flinched inwardly at the thought. But what was even worse, was the fact that he couldn't stand the people. Not because of their characters, but because of everything they reminded him off. It was too much, and he sank even deeper into his old defensive mechanisms. All his occlumency shields were up, his demeanour was cold, his gaze brutal. He didn't notice that he had subconsciously started scratching at the frock fabric on his forearm.
They finished the meeting shortly before six and dinner appeared on small tables across the staff room. Everybody got up to help themselves to food and people started chatting about their summers.
Severus didn't feel like eating at all, he'd much rather be in his rooms and read a book or talk with Hermione. He searched the room and spotted her chatting with Miss Haywood, Longbottom and Hestia Jones. She was enjoying herself and it was the only thing that comforted him. He nearly had to smile at the sight. However, the dark thoughts were predominant and kept control over his face. He picked up a glass of water and moved to a corner from where he could see her.
"Do you mind if I join you?"
He had seen Septima Vector coming, but was still surprised that she actually talked to him. He nodded once in reply, and returned to scanning the room, trying not to look into Hermione's direction to obviously.
"Are you working on any projects at the moment?", she asked him casually.
"No. I try to settle in first."
Septima nodded and took a sip of her drink. He wasn't bothered by her, but watched her warily from the corner of his eye.
"Believe it or not, you fit in nicely here", she suddenly said. "I remember, the first time you arrived. I thought you'd never settle in, but then you became part of the inventory for how long? Nearly twenty years?"
She looked at him thoughtfully.
"I never got used to your black silhouette not being around. It just didn't agree with me. It's good to have you back. Everything is just as it should be again."
Aurora Sinistra called her, and she smiled at Severus.
"Let me know, if you want me to do some equations for you." Then she left him to his thoughts.
What an odd woman. Severus's face gave nothing away, but he was extremely confused. His head was full of dreadful memories and fears, but luckily this short conversation had given him different food for thought.
He had always been on good terms with Septima. She was one of those few people that had completely ignored the paradox around him and had simply enjoyed their cooperation. Not everyone did know, but Septima had a very similar humour to him and they both hated dunderheads. Luckily for her, she didn't have to teach them because no dunderhead willingly chose Arithmancy as their elective subject.
She had always been friendly and kind to him, but not in a suspicious manner and Severus had never felt uncomfortable in her presence. Maybe that was the reason why he didn't snap at her mentioning his past. She was indeed a tolerable person and had he not been so broken throughout all his life, he would have called her a friend.
She thinks you fit in. She thinks it's good you're back.
But he had betrayed them all, including her. And he didn't dare to hope that anyone would forgive him. He couldn't forgive himself. He had betrayed them all, and yet Septima had simply walked up to him and talked to him.
He stood in the corner watching his colleagues. Hermione was still with her friends and Hagrid had joined them. Septima and Aurora were talking to Filius and Miss Clearwater, and Sybill Trelawney, the old crackpot, was listening in, pretending to know what they were talking about.
Minerva was talking to Miss Lovegood and the lady, that taught classics. He wondered if she was any good at Alchemy. It overlapped partly with potions and he was rather sceptical of her skillset, considering that she also taught Ancient Runes and Latin, both of which were separate master subjects.
He briefly considered joining them to question her, but it wasn't worth the effort. He simply was not a very sociable person, and trying to interact with people, when he actually didn't want to interact with anyone, would just end in a disaster. Maybe he would get to talk to her on another occasion.
All of the staff members very obviously eyed him suspiciously the whole time. He nearly wanted to laugh at how badly they covered up their nosiness, pretending to be in deep conversation but clearly having an ear and eye focused on him.
He let his eyes wander through the room. Everyone had someone to talk to, and he stood there all by himself. His spy senses hadn't left him and he could tell by the sheer atmosphere in the room, that none of them were as easy around him as they pretended to be.
It didn't bother him, but he felt incredibly edgy, unsafe and out of place, despite Septima's affirmations. Of course, he could have just left the room but he didn't want to leave without Hermione.
You are such a pathetic wimp.
He needed to get a grip on himself. It wouldn't do him any good if he couldn't even spend an hour without longing for her presence. Soon there would be many days on which he couldn't be with her. They weren't alone anymore and she wouldn't be there for him when his demons haunted him.
When Hermione walked up to him, he thought that she didn't seem to be as desperate to be with him, as he was to be with her. And it made him panic. He'd be alone.
"They are planning to have a drink at Hagrid's."
She gestured towards her group of friends. They all looked positively terrified and ready to attack Severus if he only did so much as move.
"Ronald and George will be there too", she added.
"Good for them", he drawled, throwing a condescending glance at them.
Hermione furrowed her eyebrows at him.
"Are you alright?"
What a stupid question.
Severus rarely lost his control, but when he felt uneasy or was afraid, his thoughts and emotions won the upper hand.
He knew she wanted to be with her friends and it bothered him. He would have never told her of course, let alone stopped her from spending time with them, but he couldn't change the fact that he felt possessive of her. He wanted to fold her up and put her in his chest pocket to keep.
He sighed inwardly and folded his hands behind his back, immediately rubbing his forearm to sooth his temper.
"Yes, I am alright", he said curtly. Then he gave her a soft glance, much to her obvious surprise. She didn't need to know about his inner torment. "You should join them."
"I had different plans for tonight", she said.
The sun could have not been as fiery as her eyes and it took all his willpower to stop himself from kissing her senselessly right there.
"Don't look at me like that", he snarled quietly through clenched teeth, fixing his eyes on a portrait on the wall.
She would be his end. It wasn't a question about whether he could hide his feelings for her. He had hidden his feelings all of his life. No, that wasn't the problem. The question was, how long was he willing to hide them.
The day would come when he wanted the world to know that he was hers. That he had taken that place in her life and that he wasn't going to share it.
But what would happen?
Despite what he said to Hermione, he didn't actually care about their opinion. However, the fact that she had for some inexplicable reason decided to be with him would ruin her reputation. The papers would slaughter her, her friends would judge her, Dark Lord-worshippers would hunt her down with him, and that was what frightened him the most. They would come for her and take her form him.
He would have to leave her to ensure she didn't have to withstand all these burdens. The mere thought of that provoked a rage in him, that he scarcely knew about himself. He could never leave her, she was his drug, his addiction. Yes, to fold her up and put her in his pocket, that would be the only bearable solution.
"It would be too much to ask if you'd like to come too, I suppose?", she said casually after a while.
"I've got correspondence to attend to. I shall see you in the morning to look through the stocked ingredients."
"Stay up and wait for me, will you? I won't be too long."
Her fawn eyes looked so kind and innocent, and yet he detected the sparkling heat in their depths. He imperceptibly took a long breath to calm his nerves.
"You can't be seen coming to my chambers", he said coolly.
"I won't be…-", she tried to say but he cut her off.
"Miss Granger", he hissed at her audibly. "I will not discuss this topic with you. Good evening."
With that said, he turned on his heel and left the staff room.
It pained him.
The amount of fear, worries and insecurity in him was simply unbearable.
All the eyes that had looked at him, telling the stories of what they had seen. How he had betrayed them. How he had fought against them.
And everything that worried him about her. He had sworn to himself that he would never need anybody again, that nobody other than himself deserved to have power over him. But maybe that was the problem. Hermione didn't want to have power over him. He had freely and willingly decided to give it to her, and with it, he put his whole life into her hands.
And it was good.
It was the most exhilarating feeling he had ever encountered. To simply know, to simply trust, to simply be himself and be loved for it. To have someone that didn't use you.
But it made him greedy. He wanted her all for himself, every single minute of the day.
He slammed the door to his chambers behind him and as soon as the noise hit his ears he felt terrible. He kicked his shoes off and sank onto the sofa, looking out the window onto the Black Lake.
He had lashed out at her for no reason. He was frightened, and on edge, and she had to feel it. He was greedy and jealous, and she had to pay for it. He wanted her to come to his rooms, but now she wouldn't.
By Merlin, he was worried. What would happen if the world found out about their liaison? What would happen if students started spotting her hanging around in the dungeons? Minerva would not be impressed. People might think she was biased in hiring him, because he was with Hermione.
Maybe she had been? He didn't know what Hermione had said to Minerva. He had just taken it as it was served to him.
Why did she hire him? He was a murderer and a war criminal. And even with the verdict of acquittal in his case, above all he was a terrible teacher. He had seen their looks. He had felt their contempt.
He rubbed his forearm. He shouldn't think about these things, it drove him mad.
He was a master in overthinking, and it didn't justify his behaviour towards her. He couldn't be without her. He had to go and apologise, but she would be at Hagrid's now. He decided to go and look for her in her rooms later this evening. For now he would attend to the correspondence he had talked about earlier.
He got up and walked over to his desk, where he took out some parchment and started writing a letter to Draco Malfoy.
It wasn't easy. He didn't have much to say to Draco, as they have never been very close, but they had been close enough for Severus to be interested in the boy's welfare. Draco had very much reminded him of himself. Thrown into a society, exposed to radical beliefs and doomed to make all the wrong decisions.
The real difficulty lay in the phrasing of the letter. He was concerned that it might get into the wrong hands.
Hermione had told him that the Malfoys had redeemed themselves, but Severus couldn't trust anybody that was even remotely connected to the Dark Lord. He had never liked Lucius. He knew the network and he was almost certain that pro-pureblood families had no troubles at all to maintain their underground connections.
It gave him a headache. The boy was probably the most innocent of all the Death Eaters he had ever known. He hadn't even really been a Death Eater, he had been the Dark Lords puppet and Severus had felt sorry for the boy.
Severus had to convince himself that writing to Draco wasn't a problem. All of wizarding England knew already that he was back, it had been the front page of the Daily Prophet all summer long. Writing to a boy he actually cared about a little, wouldn't reveal anything that hadn't been in the gossip sheets yet. Additionally, once the students returned to Hogwarts they would write their parents, who knew Severus, and who hated him.
There was no way that he could escape once all hell broke loose. Many of the parents were his former students and he hadn't left the best impression on any of them.
And once more, depressing thoughts entered his mind. Who would want their children to be taught by someone like him?
He sighed and put down his quill. There was no point trying to write this letter tonight. His thoughts were torturing him.
He took out the list of students that he had received during the meeting. He hadn't given it any thought earlier, but it might give him an idea of what was to come. How many names would he recognise?
It was a short list, much shorter than any list he had seen during his first tenure.
Alcott didn't ring a bell, neither did Blackwater. Burns must be Hufflepuff, he vaguely remembered the name. His stomach turned around at Ivy Finley.
He remembered his encounter with Andrew Finley during the summer. He had forgotten that there was a younger girl, too.
He didn't want to give into the pain tonight, but focusing on the list of names again made it even worse.
Edward Lupin.
The name burned itself into Severus's skull. Remus's picture flared up in his mind and he couldn't stop tears from filling his eyes.
He had never liked the man, for obvious reasons, but with time he had accepted that it wouldn't do any good to dwell on the past. He knew he only disliked him out of habit. Remus had never done anything to him and Severus tried to at least show his appreciation of that by making the wolfsbane potion for him. It wasn't as if he had cared very much about Remus Lupin having a family, but now he cried over his fate.
He had known the man, it had been a family, and it had been destroyed. Because of the Dark Lord, because of Death Eaters, because of people like Severus.
Severus scanned the whole list and realised, that there wasn't a single muggleborn student. Usually, they indicated them clearly to make sure teachers were aware of the fact that those students might need extra support. He wondered if they had simply resolved to not indicate blood status any longer.
Or maybe it was still the aftermath of the war. The current year were students that had been born during the Dark Lord's reign.
Severus felt like choking at the memory. Had they all been killed? Had they actually managed to wipe out a whole generation of muggleborn witches and wizards? He knew that many children had been murdered. Mercilessly and gruesomely.
He put down the list and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths and scratching his forearm.
Parents and their children had been killed in his presence and he had done nothing to stop the madness. He had emotionlessly followed orders, forsaking his humanity and morals, if he had ever had such.
The pictures flooded his mind suddenly and without warning. They tortured him, and long gone sounds echoed in his head. Mothers weeping over their babies' dead bodies in their arms; fathers begging to be killed whilst kneeling in their families' blood.
His mind was too loud and he could do nothing to shut it up. How long had he ignored his silenced demons, and now he couldn't stop them from resurging. He felt like ten years of ignorance were suddenly breaking upon him.
When it happened he nearly indulged in it. He felt like he deserved it. His memories were the punishment for all that he had done.
Hermione could say whatever she wanted, but he knew the darkness was in him. It had always been there. It had driven him towards the Dark Lord as a young man, and it had been irreversibly burnt into his flesh and soul when he had accepted the Dark Mark. He felt it burning in his veins, like black acid killing everything inside him.
Severus scratched himself violently and wept quietly when he slowly rolled up the sleeve of his shirt and removed the glamour he had put over his forearm.
It was an awful sight. A large chuck of flesh was missing and the scarred tissue was grained with black magic. His whole body was filled with it.
He didn't want it, he had no more room in his body for it. He had touched the divine purity of life with these tainted fingertips, and he fell into a frenzy at the thought of how he had besmirched the white innocence of love with his darkness.
A loud, bitter sob escaped his mouth. He needed to get rid of it. He needed to get it out of his body and life.
He opened the drawer of his desk and took out a knife. He had remembered it was there, as if it had been yesterday that he had put it there.
Severus entered a trance that he hadn't been in for many years. His demons danced in the flickering fire of his memories, and his body was trembling in desperation as he started cutting black patches of flesh out of his arm.
Oftentimes people will hurt themselves and you might not even notice that someone close to you suffers and feels like self-harm is the only way to cope.
Sometimes you will find out about it and you will think: What? You/He/She/They? They don't seem like the person to hurt themselves. That came out of nowhere. They can't possibly have a reason to do it.
Please, if someone suffers so much, that they think self-harm is the only thing that helps, you are not the person to decide whether their actions are justified or not. People go through things that we cannot even imagine. Some people will go through the same thing but it affects each person differently.
Please, please, please. If you know someone who hurts themselves, or if you suspect it, don't make them feel like their pain and actions are unjustified or an inconvenience. YOU are not in the position to decide that for them.
You are however in a position to listen, be thoughtful and attentive. They might not talk about their experiences and feelings. That is why it is so important to be informed about this topic. It is rarely obvious!
I wanted to show with this chapter, that self-harm is a coping mechanism, and people often state that they know when to stop, BUT cutting can cause severe injury or death. By helping someone address their self-harm problems, you might be the person to open up a door to resolve issues that reach far deeper than what is visible.
Acknowledge the person's pain, talk about it, tell someone if you suspect it, be kind and helpful.
Please. It is so important.