Hello my lovelies xxxx
Here is the next chapter, definitely lighter in tone from about the middle onwards.
I hope I can keep up the regular updates from now on, but I am still not completely finished... so, please be patient with me. Do not worry, the story will definitely be finished! I could not do that to all of you xxx
As always, I look forward to your feedback!
Enjoy chapter 24 x
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LONG WAY DOWN - TOM ODELL
Hermione had really enjoyed the evening. She had been annoyed with Severus after he had left the staff room, but the company of her friends had taken her mind of it.
Ron and Penny had left early to pick up their daughter from Penny's parents, but George had stayed on and she always enjoyed the witty banter with him. Hagrid hadn't seen the older Weasley boy in ages and listening to the two of them arguing over the quality of different firewhiskey brands was a delight.
"What are you up to tomorrow?", Neville asked her as they walked back up to the castle in darkness.
"I agreed to help Severus sort out the Potions lab", she said.
She didn't know if that was happening after his mood earlier that evening, but she would still go and check on him.
"Would you please stop calling him that!", Neville wailed.
"It's his name", Luna commented lightly. "And they like one another."
"That is a mystery to me anyway", Neville exclaimed.
Hermione felt blood rushing into her cheeks. Sometimes she wished Luna wasn't as perceptive as she was.
"Anyway…", she said quickly, before they could go further down the road of who liked whom and why. "I don't know how long that will take, but I am sure I'll be free at some point. Do you have plans?"
"Oh, no. Not particularly. I am growing this massive Wiggentree. It takes up a lot of room and I was wondering if there was the possibility of an Extension Charm in one of the greenhouses. It doesn't have to be tomorrow. Any time before the start of term suits, if you'd like to have a look at it."
"Sure, an extension can be arranged quickly. I'll meet you at the greenhouses tomorrow after dinner."
They reached the castle and Hermione went for her own rooms. She wanted to see if Severus was still cranky, but she'd make sure not to taunt his temper again. She would wait until the castle had completely quieted down before she went into the dungeons.
Flinging herself onto the sofa, she wondered if she should maybe just stay in her rooms tonight. She knew that she had been careless in the way she had acted, but it didn't justify his harsh reaction. On the other hand, she knew that that's how he coped when he felt uneasy. She just didn't understand what made him feel that way.
In her eyes his worries were slightly irrational, and she wondered if he just used them as an excuse not to be public with her. Yes, there was the chance of gossip and bad tongues, but that would calm down. When Luna had got the transfiguration post, people had talked about her and had made up stories about how she had only been accepted because she was Neville's partner. It was natural: if there was nothing to talk about, people simply made something up, so they could talk.
You're doing him injustice. He wouldn't deny you.
She knew he was truly worried. But whatever she said couldn't change his mind and it frustrated her. She felt like shouting out her feelings into the world. Of course, she wasn't going to do that, she knew better than that. But if she was completely honest with herself, she also didn't want to deny it if anyone would find out about them.
Either way, she didn't believe that they had to hide every interaction between them. Everyone knew Hermione had visited him in France and that they got along well. She didn't want to have to think about it all the time.
There was no problem about discretion. As much fantasies as she had had about them kissing in hidden alcoves or doing other things on potion workbenches, she wouldn't be that indiscreet. They were both professionals, and it didn't agree with her pedagogical and moral ethos to behave in such a manner. They wouldn't display their feelings here at Hogwarts in front of everyone, it was neither of their characters to do so and there was generally no need for it.
But in the end, she knew that he was right. She shouldn't be seen wandering around the dungeons late at night without any official reason to be there. When she thought about it logically, she realised once more that Severus only meant well.
And she was behaving like a love-drunken, sulky teenager that wasn't allowed to have a sleepover with her boyfriend.
She sighed heavily and flicked her wand to boil some water for tea. She had been careless, speaking to him in such a private manner in front of other people. She was sure nobody had heard their exchange, but she had acted wrongly. And she had been annoyed with him for no justifiable reason.
She hated being wrong. It made her bitchy and sulky, but he deserved an apology. Crookshanks jumped onto her lap and rubbed his head against her arm.
"What do you think, Crooks?", she asked the Kneazle and fondled him behind his ears. "Shall I go and apologise, but risk being told of for running around the dungeons, or shall I wait until tomorrow and risk him being even moodier by then? There is just no way to know, is there?"
The cat jumped of her lap and left her chambers. Hermione laughed quietly and got up to pour herself some tea.
Around eleven o'clock she decided to leave her rooms and make her way into the dungeons. She put on her teaching robes, just in case someone saw her. She would simply pretend to return something to Severus's office.
It was cold down there and when she reached his office door, she was surprised that there weren't any wards stopping her from entering. She could feel that there was magic in place and she wondered if he had deliberately made sure that she could enter.
Oh, gods. You're such a goat, Hermione.
He wanted her to be able to come. Of course, he did. He had said so on several occasions, and although he repeatedly reminded her about not being seen in the dungeons, he had never actually said, that she shouldn't come.
You stupid, stupid goat.
She entered his office. She hadn't even reached the door to his chambers yet, when she heard someone bitterly crying.
All blood left her face at the sound. It was Severus.
She had never heard anything like it. It was a quiet, petrifying sound, but it echoed off the walls around her. Her throat was getting tight and she could barely swallow.
What had happened?
She knew he had experienced things beyond her imagination but hearing a sound such as he was making now made her realise how little she actually knew. She knew nothing of his pain.
Standing in front of the door, she didn't know what to do. She felt the desperate need to comfort him, hold him in her arms and rock him like a child, but would he accept it? If she entered his rooms now, would he shut down or snap? Did he want her to be with him in such a private moment?
He loves you.
But he was unpredictable, especially when he was vulnerable.
You love him.
She had to be with him. If she didn't at least try to comfort him, she'd never forgive herself. Even if he ended up chucking her out of his rooms, she had to try and be with him first.
The crying had quieted down. Did he realise she was there?
Her hand was shaking when she softly knocked on the door, she felt as if all his pain had taken over her as well.
No answer.
"Severus?", she called his name. She wanted him to know that she was here before she entered his rooms.
She heard a couple of chocked, quiet sobs. It pierced her heart and she could feel how her jaw started chattering.
She quietly and slowly opened the door. It was dark in his rooms. The only light came from the moon shining through the large window in the living room. Severus sat huddled up in a chair at his desk. She couldn't see much in the moonlight, but his head was hanging down and he had gone silent.
She walked slowly towards him, not being sure what to do. It was the most haunting thing she had ever seen in her life. It went through her body into her bones and her heart ached more that she would have ever thought possible. If she couldn't stand his agony, how should he?
"Sev?", she said quietly.
He started crying again. Hermione thought she would never survive the pain this sound inflicted in her. It was like acid running through her veins, entering her heart and burning it.
She could see him rubbing his arm violently and utmost fear began to choke her. Was it his Dark Mark? What had happened?
"Make it go away!", he sobbed. His begging tone was unbearable. "Please…", he wept. "Make it go way."
She had been frozen at the sight and sound of him, but now she rushed over to where she sat and knelt down in front of him.
"Sev…" She took his hands. Why was he wet?
Then she could smell it. It was blood.
"Severus, what happened?", she asked him quietly, trying to keep her voice calm. She was shaking but it wouldn't help anyone if she lost her composure.
He didn't answer but dropped his head and sobbed heartbreakingly. She flicked her wand to lighten up the room. What she saw sent jolts of fear and agony through her.
"Merlin, Sev…"
She chocked on her own words because of the tears that were welling up in her eyes. He was covered in blood, in his own fresh blood, and he kept on scratching a big open wound on his arm.
"Take it out!", he wailed. "Take it out. Make it go away!"
She took his face into her hands, accidentally smearing some blood over his cheeks.
"Shh", she tried to calm him down, her breath shaking. "Shhh, I'm here."
He just cried ever more bitterly. Hermione started panicking. What had happened?
Calm down. Reason. Calm down. What needs doing?
She took a deep breath, the metallic smell of blood making her slightly sick. Blood. He needed blood.
"Where can I find blood replenisher, Severus?"
He started rocking in his chair, sobbing and violently scratching his arm.
"Shhhh", she tried to comfort him again, taking his hand into hers to stop him from rubbing his fingers down onto his bone. She had never seen the scar but could guess from his current state that it had been pretty gruesome to start with.
"Sev, we need a blood replenisher. Where can I find it?"
There was no way she could get the information out if him. He was trance-like, begging her over and over to make it go away and rocking himself back and forth, his voice going hoarse.
She pulled herself together and got up. She ruthlessly rummaged through all the drawers of his desk but couldn't find anything. Next, she ran into the bedroom, going through the things in his bedside table and the cupboard, but nothing was there either.
When she returned to the living room, he had started to massacre his arm again. She only then spotted the small, bloody knife under his chair. He must have dropped it. It sent cold shudders down her spine. What had triggered him to do this to himself?
She knew she could check for potions in his lab, but she didn't want to leave him alone and she also didn't know her way around it. She hadn't been there yet.
"I need help…", she breathed, looking around the room desperately, as if a guardian angel would pop up out of nowhere. Then she had an idea.
"Winky?", she called hesitantly. She didn't know if the elf was still around, because she did religiously avoid calling for house elves.
Heavenly relief rushed over her when Winky appeared with a quiet plop.
"Winky is here to…", the small elf said, but as she saw Snape, her eyes got bigger than tennis balls. "Master is hurt!"
"Winky", Hermione said resolutely. "I need blood replenisher and essence of dittany. As quickly as possible." She didn't usually talk to elves in that tone, but she didn't have time to argue with an elf that was upset over formalities.
Winky nodded quickly, her large ears flapping wildly, and a second later she disappeared. Hermione hurried back to Severus, kicking the knife from under the chair out of their reach, and kneeling down in front of him to hold his hands. She quickly scanned the surroundings. There were empty parchments and a quill on the desk beside him. The ink bottle was still open, and he hadn't written a word. Next to the empty parchment was another piece of paper and she recognised the list of first year students.
"Please make it go away", Severus croaked quietly through his dying sobs.
Hermine nodded violently. "Yes, we make it go away", she reassured him, squeezing his hand and tracing her wand over his forearm to temporarily stop the bleeding.
She noticed that she was kneeling in some of his blood and wondered how long he had sat here like this. She wanted to beat herself for not coming here earlier because of the petty pride she had indulged in. What had cause him to do this?
"Tell me what to do", she said quietly and slowly brought his hand to her mouth to softly kiss his knuckles.
"I can't do… anything", he wept and coughed. "Everyone… is dead."
She caressed his cheek, wiping away his tears, but more of them were already running down his long nose.
Winky reappeared with a quiet pop and toddled over to them, handing Hermione two vials.
"Winky got blood and dittany, Missy. Winky wants to do more."
"Thank you", Hermione replied and uncorked the vials. "Can you please go into Professor Snape's bedroom and get his dressing gown. Bring it to me and then prepare his bed so I can levitate him there."
Winky immediately did as told. Hermione dripped the essence of dittany onto Severus's arm and watched his skin reappear.
"All these children… I killed them all… and their mums and daddys…"
The words were barely understandable through all his tears. She knew that no matter what she said it wouldn't help him in his current state. But she wanted to comfort him in some way.
"Not everyone is dead", she said calmly, although she was trying hard not to shake, whilst dripping more dittany onto his arm. "All my friends are alive and that makes me very happy. All the teachers are alive; Minerva, Filius, Poppy, Hagrid…"
Winky came back to them, Severus's dressing gown completely hiding her.
"Thank you very much for your help, Winky", Hermione said.
"Winky's honour, Missy." The elf bowed down so far that her nose touched the floor. "Winky always needs to make sure Master Snape survives. It has been Winky's work for many years. Please Missy, tell Winky to do more."
Hermione wasn't concentrated enough to think much about the elf's comment.
"Will you please bring a hot drink as well as some cool water. And then it would be great if you can watch the dungeons and my own chambers for people and tell me if someone is looking for me or Severus."
The house elf nodded and disappeared.
Hermione took a good look at Severus's arm. The scarred skin was veined with black lines. She stroked it softly, but Severus whimpered at the touch.
"It doesn't go away", he croaked in agony.
"We'll make it go away", she reassured him once more. "Come on, let me help you up…"
"No", he bellowed. "No…" He shook his head and sobbed dryly. "No help… help them… dead… I did… all dead…"
"Shh", she tried to calm him down again.
With a flick of her wand she changed him into his dressing gown. Then she took his hands and quite forcefully pulled him up.
"Come, we go to bed", she said.
As he was lying down, she propped up his pillow and sat down next to him
"Drink…", she instructed him and pressed the vial with blood replenisher against his lips. The hot drinks she had asked Winky for were on the bedside table and she made Severus take a sip of the tea too.
He swallowed it without further complaint but wept quietly as he lay down. Hermione took off her robes and shoes and slid into the bed next to him.
"Come here", she whispered and pulled him into her hug.
He accepted her tenderness, as if he was starved to death and it was his food. He clung onto her, wrapping his arm around her torso and burying his face in her chest. Hermione held his head with one hand and slowly stroke his back with the other. It was dark and cold, and Hermione wondered for a short moment if she could feel his thoughts.
"It hurts…", he sobbed into her skin.
"What hurts?", she asked him. She hoped that talking would help him. It did most of the time, but not always. It was worth the risk however, and he accepted it.
"I can see them and hear them. They're in pain and I did nothing."
His breath was heavy, and his fingers were digging into her side.
"It would have never happened if I wasn't evil…"
"You're not evil", she tried to console him.
"I am evil, and my darkness drove me into this. It's branded onto my body and into my soul… This mark… it's my evil… I can't get it away. It destroys everything… Everyone is dead… I am not even a person. I have never… I don't even know what I believe in… I did things… there cannot be anything good… Ten years. I am still alive… everyone I have is dead… I kill people… Lily dead… Albus and Charity… mummy… people I don't even know the names of. Children, babies… Mothers and fathers… I am a lie… I live their lives…"
He kept on going for a long time and Hermione didn't stop him. She rocked him in her arms and listened carefully to what he said.
He had finally broken down under the weight of his past. From what he said she determined that he had bottled up all his thoughts and memories over more than three decades. And now they had crushed him. This iron man had melted under the heat of his past.
Hermione felt guilty. She had made him come here. She had been so obsessed with the idea of him being in England, that she had made him come. And now it had crushed him.
Of course, these surroundings would bring back his worst memories. She had done this to him. He had been happy in France and she had taken the happiness from him.
When he had stopped speaking for a while, she kissed his forehead.
"You're a good person, Severus", she whispered against his sweaty face. "We are all a mix of good and evil and we indulge in both, all of us do. But you have a good soul and a good heart, and you've been using it for so long now. Don't let the past hunt you down. There is no redemption for evil deeds, but there is hope. And with every day that we defy evil and do good, we give so much hope and love to the world. You have done amazing things for this world. You are my hope and love, you give so much of it, Sev. More than any evil deed could have ever been. I love you, and life loves you, and there is hope for everyone."
He didn't reply but took a couple of deep, shaky breaths. She rocked him, caressed him, kissed his head and whispered words of love.
"What if the children know that I killed their parents?", he breathed pained.
Hermione didn't know what to say to that. There was nothing to say to that, and it was then that she fully realised where his agony came from. He had to live with these thoughts, and there was nothing anyone could do.
One cannot ever justify murder. One can only try to live with the burden. He was not only pained by the past, but also but also by his present. It was a wicked net woven inside of his head, past memories that fed present agony. The act of murder had pained him in the past and the guilt pained him ever since and for the rest of his live.
"You are the strongest person I know", she said. "You will teach a new generation how to be strong and righteous. You will help many, many young children to become good and great people."
He sobbed another time, quietly and without any strength.
"I love you." She whispered it to him, over and over again, until he fell asleep.
The next few days were tough on Hermione.
She wanted to know how Severus felt, but he was more solitary than ever. He did not dismiss her, neither was he hostile or grumpy, but he was quiet.
They had started to work on the wolfsbane project again, so she spent a lot of her time in the dungeons. Their research had attracted quite some attention with the staff at Hogwarts, so nobody was suspicious about Hermione being the second dungeon bat. They worked together in harmony, they read books in the evening and Hermione stayed in Severus's chambers every night without any further discussion.
Occasionally, Hermione tried to dive into some research about his Dark Mark, but whenever he spotted her doing it, he came up with something else to make her stop. It drove her mad, and she resolved to work on it independently at a later stage, when they had fully entered the school term.
Severus showed her his love every day. They did not sleep with one another, but he showed her with small gestures how devoted he was. He combed her hair, he made her fresh tea when her cup had gone cold, and he let her wear his warm jumper when she shivered in his Potions lab.
Hermione watched him fondle and talk to Crookshanks every morning when he woke up and the cat was lying across their feet, and she held Severus in her arms every night when he curled up beside her, resting his head against her chest and listening to her heartbeat.
But he was quiet. His mind was loud, she could literally hear the buzzing of his thoughts when they were in one room, but he did not talk about much.
She did understand his silence, but it was tough on her. Her natural instinct was to want to know. She wanted to know what was going on inside him. For once in her life she was absolutely clueless what was going on.
He seemed worried, yet not upset. He seemed thoughtful, yet determined. He was a closed book to her, yet she could feel how much he needed her to be by his side.
Hermione went along with it, she did not question him, she did not push him. She cradled him, the small boy Severus, that had had to learn and accept the injustice of the world too early in his life and had just got on with it.
What he really needed was therapy, Hermione thought. But even the idea of that was unimaginable. A muggle therapist couldn't help much, as they would have to be obliviated after every session, making progress impossible. And wizarding therapists were not a thing.
Why were there no magic therapists?
She had done the harm to him, she needed to be the one to help him. And she would do everything in her mortal power to help him cope with his demons.
It was the Saturday before the students would arrive at Hogwarts and last year Hermione, her friends and even some of the other staff members gathered at Hagrid's for the last legal round of drinks before the start of term.
However, this year Hermione didn't feel like going. She did want to have a good time with her friends, but the last time she had done that, she had returned to the scenario that now caused her nightmares.
She had watched Severus over the past couple of weeks, and it hurt her very being. When they walked down the corridors, she saw the ever-present pain in his eyes, but much more than before. When they joined the other staff members in the Great Hall for meals, she watched him getting rigid and cold. His jaw was constantly clenched, and the deep crease between his eyebrows, that she hadn't even noticed vanishing, was back and even more present than before.
He suffered.
And she felt guilty about it.
She had made Severus leave his wonderful life in France behind and come to England. She had turned up and decided that he needed to be back, and now that he was back, he suffered. Guilt ate her from the inside out and when they were reading through some articles in the early afternoon of that day, she had to say something to him.
"If you would rather be back in France, I can understand that."
Severus lifted his head and looked at her confused. She bit her lip and lowered her head.
"I am sorry for making you come here", she said.
Severus closed his article and leaned forward onto his arms.
"Are you mental?" His soft voice stood in stark contrast with his words.
"I am not blind, Severus", she said sadly. "I caused you pain."
"And when would that have been?", he asked her, laughing softly. "Please enlighten me."
"By making you come here and…", Hermione glanced over at his desk. "That night…"
Severus sighed heavily.
"Hermione…"
He looked at her sternly, his black eyes fiercely boring into her brown counterparts.
"Out of all the things that happened in my life, you are the most precious thing. You did never cause me pain, not one time."
"But I made you leave everything behind and…-"
"And I am grateful for that. Hermione, listen…" He turned slightly in his chair to fully face her. "I am finally a free man."
"You were free in France…", she returned sadly.
"No, I wasn't. Maybe in their legal system, but not here and not mentally."
She took a heavy breath. "You didn't seem very… mentally free… the other night."
Hermione noticed how he studied her calculatedly.
"I wasn't", he said after a while.
He looked at her with an expression she hadn't seen before, and she didn't understand what he was trying to say. It seemed like a mixture between regret and happiness, pain and gratitude, hate and love.
But before she could further analyse it, his face had the typical teacher-expression on it again, and for a moment Hermione was thrown back in time, thinking he'd chastise her. When he spoke, she realised that he very carefully chose his words and that they didn't come easy.
"I was not free then, and maybe I shall never be. They are heavy, Hermione, the memories. I never dared fully discovering it. I blocked it all out, to survive. What happened that night… I didn't have any control over it. Yes, being here might have triggered it, but you know what else I have here?" He looked at her, seemingly expressionless, but he had that warmth in his eyes that was nearly undetectable if one didn't know it could be there.
"You. You are here for me, and…", he searched for words. "… it is all I need. You were there with me, and it was good. I didn't feel alone. I felt alone all my life and I never could nor wanted to share the burden. I do still not want to share it. I do not want to weigh you down with it. But you were there, I did not feel forsaken, when in the past I have always been alone with the pain and the shame and the guilt…"
Hermione smiled at him sadly.
"You wouldn't have felt this way had you not been here…-"
"Hermione!", he cut her off resolutely. "I wanted to be back here in this castle, in these rooms, in this part of the world for such a long time. I will not discredit the trust and work you put into this, by fleeing back to France after a tiny, self-pitying incident."
She looked at him taken aback.
"A tiny… self-pitying…?"
Was that really what he thought?
"Sev…", she said breathily. "That's not what it was. I don't want you to go through hell just because you think I would take offense at you changing your mind. For Merlin's sake…"
She leaned back and looked at him with big, sad eyes.
"Severus, I… gods… Sev, if you don't want to stay here… that is completely understandable and…"
"Stop it, Hermione!", he suddenly barked, and she flinched and went quiet. "I want to be here, with you!"
He looked at her sternly, but the heat in his eyes betrayed his innermost thoughts.
"I love you and I need you. I could not bear life without you. Yes, I am here because of you. Yes, you made me come here. Yes, I had no choice in this."
Hermione swallowed hard.
"Because I love you, and I decided that I would rather face the ghosts of my past than risk not being with you. I need you Hermione, I love you, you captivate me, and I am at your full mercy."
She had never heard him like this, carried away by his feelings. It was an elementary force, the love of Severus Snape. His words and the essence of his being caused the air around them to grow thick with heat. His mental and spiritual presence eclipsed the rest of the world, and Hermione was captivated by only the little glimpse of the sheer power he emanated. She could feel her throat go dry and tight.
"You made it possible for me to overcome every hurdle, every burden and every pain that stopped me from doing so. You help me, you are the love and reason behind all of my being."
He took a deep breath, looking at his desk.
"I faced my demons, and where everyone else, including myself, had fought them, denied them existence and judged them, you caressed them, loved them and accepted them as if they were angels from above. Merlin, Hermione…"
He rubbed his eyes with his hands.
"You are the world to me. No, the world is nothing compared to you. If the world were to burn in the fires of hell, I would still be looking for you."
He looked at her desperately.
"Please, never ever make such a statement again. I would never want to be anywhere else than here with you."
Hermione tried to supress it, but a loud sob escaped her and she started crying. She did neither know nor care if it was happiness, worry or love that caused her outbreak. Maybe it was a confluence of it all. Severus got up and pulled her into a loving embrace.
"Now, pull yourself together and stop that nonsense", he said softly. "You have to finish these calculations for me, before we go to Hagrid's."
"Wh-… what? You w-want to go?", she asked disbelievingly with still a slight tremor in her voice.
"Only for one drink", he said. "Or they might get notions about me being socially active."
She laughed quietly, wiping the tears of her face.
"What a vulgar suggestion."
Although they had a very enjoyable time at Hagrid's, Hermione was thinking about Severus's words for the remainder of the evening.
She knew Severus well by now, and he might have been mysterious and unreadable for everyone else, but it wasn't difficult to grasp for Hermione that he had second thoughts about being at Hogwarts.
As vehement as he had been in his statement, Hermione had a funny feeling about it. Would he settle in? Would he be able to get over his past? Did he only want to stay, because he thought it was the only way of being with her?
She felt like she needed to talk about it to him again but knew immediately that he would simply not have it.
How should she proceed? Should she proceed at all? Would she just mess things up again?
But she thought it concerned her as much as him.
For now, she decided to watch how things would unfold.