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*Trigger, slight suicide mention.*

It had been a week since they'd arrived and Olivia hadn't left Alex's side. She ate all her meals staring down at the blonde and only left the chapel to use the toilet. The fever had gotten worse and at one point Olivia hadn't slept for two days in case Alex's already weak breathing stopped altogether. She had bathed her face in water and tried to get her to drink but she followed the Abbesses instructions clearly and never removed the cloak and layers, even when Alex felt as she was going to burn to ash right there. The Abbess herself was true to her word and returned every night to change and check the dressings on Alex's body and slowly they began to heal though the wounds on her back still looked agonising.

However, though Munch, Amanda and Rafael were happy to remain inside during the day with Olivia, making sure that she looked after herself as well, the others couldn't stand the confinement and spent most of their time in the woods nearby. It was around noon on the eighth day that Alex finally woke.

Olivia was sitting on the dais steps with her head in her hands. She didn't really know how she felt about God, about who he was or even if he was there but lately she had found herself praying. She prayed that Alex would get better; that she would know what to do and say when she did wake up; that she would one day get to give the Sheriff what he deserved. She heard a groan from behind her but didn't turn. Alex had been making noises all week and had at one point looked as if she had woken only to close her eyes again and fall back to sleep. She heard the groan again, louder this time, and without much interest turned her head just in case one of Alex's wounds was bleeding. Her eyes met Alex's just as the blonde's fluttered open.

Olivia was paralysed by shock. She had waited and prayed for Alex to wake up and every day she had felt like banging her head against the wall in frustration when she didn't. Even the Abbess had remarked that Alex was taking a long time to wake up, that she had expected her to regain consciousness when the fever passed.

'Alex?' Olivia croaked, her voice breaking from un-use. She felt herself holding her breath, hoping that this wasn't just another false alarm; though unlike the last time Alex's eyes were clear instead of glassy from fever.

'Alex?' she tried again, this time moving forward and coming to cup the side of Alex's face. 'Alex it's me. Olivia.'

Alex crunched her face in confusion and pain. 'Where am I?' she said in a weak voice.

'Somewhere safe. Somewhere far away and safe.' Olivia replied with a smile.

The others had noticed that Alex was awake but for now hung back, giving the blonde time to understand what had happened.

'Do you remember what happened?' Olivia asked getting slightly worried that the confused and empty look hadn't left Alex's face.

'Yes.' Alex replied in a monotone voice as if she hadn't really listened to the question.

'Do you want to talk about it?' Olivia asked softly.

Alex looked up into her eyes and then over to the crowd by the door, 'I'm tired' she said before closing her eyes again and twisting her head out of Olivia's palm.

Olivia knelt there for a moment, wanting to shake the blonde awake again. She had hoped to get Alex to eat but she had given her no chance to offer the thin broth the Abbess had left them. She understood that as bad as the wounds to Alex's body had been it would be the injury to her mental state that could prove the most dangerous. As much as she wanted to have a long and deep conversation in which she begged for Alex's forgiveness she knew that if Alex wasn't ready to be awake she couldn't force her.

Elliot, Finn and Casey got back about an hour after the sun had set and the others quickly told them what had happened earlier in the day. Alex hadn't opened her eyes again although from the change in her breathing Olivia knew that she wasn't asleep the whole time.

The Abbess arrived just after Matins, when all the other nuns were back in their cells tired enough to fall straight back to sleep. They hadn't seen Sister Benedict since that first night. Olivia told her quietly by the door what had happened before they both walked over to Alex, who was still pretending to be asleep. The others all stayed at the other side of the room.

'Alex,' the Abbess said softly, 'I know you're awake.' Alex didn't move. 'I know you must be hungry.'

The words entered Alex's head slowly and it took her a couple of seconds to understand what they meant. Until that moment she hadn't given one thought to food or to hunger and now wondered to herself if the Abbess was right. After a moment she concluded that she was not. She had moved past hunger she thought. Her body felt as if it were floating, as if her limbs were no longer attached; only the pain reassured her that they were. No, she wasn't hungry but the thought of food reminded her of her thirst. She slowly opened her eyes and, ignoring Olivia, looked at the Abbess. 'Water.' she whispered.

The Abbess reached for the flask that Olivia handed her and with one hand on the back of Alex's head tipped the liquid into her mouth. 'I really do want you eat though Alex, you need to get your strength back.'

Alex ignored her request and asked instead, 'Who are you?'

'I'm Mother Clare, Abbess to the Abbey of Saint Francis in Lincolnshire. You're hiding in our disused chapel.' Alex didn't respond so she continued. 'I'm guessing you don't remember what happened but you were hurt when you got here and I helped tend to your injuries. I came back tonight to check and change your dressings. I'm going to do that now okay?'

'No'

'Alex I promise I'll be gentle but these wounds need to washed and…'

'No' Alex said again, this time stronger. The thought of someone touching her when she was unconscious made her want to be sick and the thought of someone touching her now wasn't much better. Her eyes moved panicked between Olivia and Mother Clare then over Olivia's shoulder to the others. They were baring the door and suddenly she was aware of how weak she was, how unable she was to fight back she was.

'Alex…' Olivia said gently reaching out her hands to try and comfort the now struggling woman. Alex jerked as best she could away from Olivia's hands and felt tears pool in her eyes without her consent.

'No…. no please,' she gasped. She knew that Olivia must hate her, that they all must hate her but she couldn't understand how they could be so cruel. The people she had gotten to know would have just killed their enemies not punished them first. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' she sobbed panic truly overtaking her, 'God just kill me, please!'

Olivia jerked back as if Alex had punched her. She was rendered speechless for a moment. She didn't understand why Alex was afraid of her, why she suddenly seemed to hate her and she had to blink back tears and take a couple of deep breaths before reaching forward again. 'Alex I…'

'No! Get out. Get out!' Alex was screaming now trying to break free of the swaddling cloak and get away from the two women.

'Alex… Alex' the Abbess said with her hands raised in surrender trying to calm the blonde as she pushed Olivia back and away. Amanda and Casey started to walk forward to offer their help.

'Don't…..No!...Get out!' Alex screamed taking gasping breaths between words. Her eyes had become glassy and they flicked from person to person. When she saw the two women slowly walking towards them she finally completely lost it and started to scream nonstop. As much pain as she was in she couldn't stand to suffer anymore. Olivia and the others had every right to wish her dead but she just wanted it to be quick. Was that too much to hope for.

'Leave!' the Abbess said firmly to Olivia. 'You all need to leave.' She was worried that Alex's screams might wake the other Sisters and she didn't want to deal with any awkward questions the next morning, God forbid any of them come exploring.

Olivia heard the door open and knew that the others must be leaving but she couldn't leave Alex. She had to let her know that whatever she thought she wasn't angry, that she was the one who had done wrong not her. The tears she had been struggling to hold back finally started to roll down her cheeks and she went to move back towards the dais.

'No,' Casey said catching her arm, 'you're not helping her by being here right now Liv.' They both looked at Alex who had stopped screaming but who was now curled, as much as she could manage, into a ball and was shaking from sobs. 'Come on, we need to leave.'

They all stood by the door way, trying not to hear the crying from inside. Elliot sighed loudly and brought his hands to rest on his head while Casey did her best to comfort an anxious and upset Olivia. Finally Amanda had had enough and without a backward look she strode off towards the Abbey. Rafael went as if to follow her but Finn put his hand up and telling the others that he'd got it he went jogging off after the blonde.

He said nothing as he sat down beside her in a small garden by the side of the Abbey. He felt nervous being this close to the building in case one of the sisters decided to go on a midnight stroll but knew he couldn't leave Amanda right now. He let the silence continue, waiting until she ready to speak.

'This was my favourite place you know.' she said after a while, wiping the tears off her cheeks. 'It was as if as much pain and injury there was in the world God had given us a way to make it all better, right here in the soil.'

'It's a medicine garden?' Finn asked looking round at the plants. He couldn't see much in the dark and to be honest in the day he probably wouldn't have noticed either. It did explain why Amanda knew so much about herbal medicine though. 'You know a lot about pain?' has asked in a softer voice after Amanda had nodded to his previous question. He knew he was taking a risk, that she hated to talk about her past but he hoped that seeing as she had started the conversation she would be willing to discuss it; at least a little.

Tilting her head back in an effort to stop the tears that wouldn't stop pooling in her eyes Amanda shrugged, 'pain is pain.' Then because she didn't want to feel as if she was misleading Finn, letting on that her life had been truly horrible she added, 'It's nothing that bad Finn, just life, nothing original…'

'Just pain' he said quietly.

They sat in silence again for a time while Amanda took some shaky breaths in an attempt to regain control. 'Mother Clare used to be in charge of the garden,' she said suddenly, 'of course she wasn't Abbess then just Sister Clare but she helped me… was kind to me.'

Finn didn't reply. He'd learnt that sometimes silence was the best way to learn things. That people had some innate desire to fill the air with noise when they were together. Amanda was no different.

'I was the last child of the Duke of Buckinghamshire,' she started, looking straight ahead into the darkness. 'He was an old man by the time I was born and my mother was his fifth wife. He'd already gotten five sons, three of which had survived to adulthood and four daughters who he had already married off by the time I was born. I was to be the child who ensured his salvation.

When I was four I was given to the Abbey for them to raise and told that one day I would become a Sister just like them. I can't remember any other life but this and for the first six years I was the model pupil. Then things started to change. The girls I had grown up with were all taken away by their families to be married off to this man and that and I found myself becoming jealous of their lives. That they would get to know something else, something other than the Abbey.

I started to act out, to question everything the Sister's had me do. I loved to be outdoors but the Abbess before Sister Clare was a horrible woman. She believed that nature was to be revered and loved as God's creation but up close it was dirty and any proper woman would stay clear. I snuck out at night and about half the time I was caught. The other girls, the ones who were also staying or who were younger, started to ignore me. I was the trouble maker and they knew that they could do what they wanted to me and the Sister's wouldn't care.

I was beaten, starved, made to sleep outside in the dead of winter but I just couldn't stop. I prayed to God every night that he would enter my heart and make me a good person, who could do as they were told but every day when they were shouting at me, or literally walking over me on the way to dinner I would scream at them and try to hit them.

When Casey arrived things got a little better. Suddenly there was someone there who was kicking off as much as me. They did the same to her and we didn't exactly become friends but we recognised that a part of us was the same, was different to everyone else.'

'She never told us' Finn couldn't help but interject.

'Why would she,' Amanda replied with a small bitter smile, 'It's nothing, it's…'

'Just pain.' Finn interrupted sighing.

'Exactly. Unlike my father hers couldn't afford to pay for his troublesome daughter and so she left and it was as if everything they were used to doing to her just moved over to me. That there were used to doing double the amount and it didn't matter that there was only half the usual culprits.

That's how I got to know to Mother Clare so well.' Amanda smiled slightly, 'she was always kind to me, helped bandage me up and taught me what she was doing as she did it. I liked being out in the garden with her.'

The smile quickly fell from her face, 'yet, even her kindness wasn't enough. When I was fifteen I seemed to finally cross a line, they'd finally had enough. The Abbess had everyone stand in the courtyard and made me stand in the middle,' she felt herself begin to cry and hated that over a year later it could still have this effect on her. 'She made me strip and had everyone walk to the edge of the grounds. There was a cross lying on the ground and I remember thinking that they were going to put nails in my hands….' Amanda's voice was shaking now and she struggled to go on. Finn didn't dare make a sound unless it stopped her from continuing.

'She didn't nail me to it, just tied me tight with rope till I couldn't move. She left me up there for three days and some of the Sisters would come along and throw stones at me or rotting food. My whole body burned in the day and froze in the night. She said that now I would perhaps know what our Lord suffered for us and would be more willing to give my life to thank him for it. Mother Clare nursed me back to health and the day I could sit up again and walk by myself she caught me trying to eat some hemlock leaves.

She ummm… she stopped me and helped me escape and then I found you guys.' Amanda said quickly as if she just wanted the whole story to be over with and couldn't bear to give any more detail than she already had. Finn sat in silence, trying to comprehend what she had told him. He wished he knew what to say but as the silence grew longer and heavier he could only settle for taking and holding her hand, hoping that all the comfort he wanted to give could be translated through one squeeze.

'Do you think she'll be okay?' Amanda asked after they had sat in a comfortable silence for a time. She felt better that someone finally knew where she came from but couldn't shake the panic she had seen in Alex's eyes.

'Yeah, of course she will.' Finn didn't need to ask who the 'she' was.

'She asked us to kill her Finn.'

Finn looked over to the girl beside him and remember that though she was just a girl his bright and empty promise wasn't going to be enough, that truth as he knew it, upsetting as it was, would be better. He sighed deeply.

'Alex has had a hard life. A life I don't think any of us will ever truly understand and it's that that could kill her now. When everything is said or done, irrespective of the support you have, you have to have a place inside of yourself that you can retreat to. A foundation of who you are that keeps you going when the outside world becomes unbearable. Liv's going to do her best, we all will, but if Alex hasn't built that place then when things are bad, bad enough that no one can help she will have nowhere to go. At the end, when everything is silent, you have to be able to live inside yourself.'