A/N: I'm back to writing! A couple of oneshots coming your way and then I'll work on the multi-chaps. Since I did a 'Her Negotiation' one shot I thought I would also write a Psycho Therapist one shot and recreate the scene from Lewis's trial where Liv is in the stairwell afterward. EO of course because Elliot should have been there. In this version, Elliot never left. He retired and he and Liv became a couple and have been together for 3 years. They now live together because she moved in with him after the Lewis ordeal. He works private security and was called away on a job the week she was taken, but came home when he heard and helped find her.
Warning: This one-shot gets pretty dark and some parts may be triggering. Proceed with caution.
She was alone. For the first time in weeks, she was completely alone in her and Elliot's apartment. Part of her liked it. She loved Elliot and the squad, but she had missed having time to herself. She had convinced Elliot to get some things at the store, and despite his worried/overprotective protests, he had gone, promising her that he would be back as fast as he could.
20 minutes. She felt ridiculous. She was a seasoned detective and yet she was nervous that Elliot wasn't home yet. What if something happened to him? What if Lewis got him or he got in a car wreck or had a heart attack or…
She heard keys in the door and her heart stopped. Keys...stove...Lewis…
She wasn't thinking straight and grabbed her gun, aiming it at the door with the safety off and her finger on the trigger. She couldn't breathe until she heard a voice she didn't expect in her state of mind.
"Liv...Liv it's me, honey. It's Elliot." She released the breath she'd been holding but still had her gun aimed at her boyfriend/former partner who had come in the door and was trying to soothe her. His arm is reaching for her gun as he gently coaxes her back to the present.
"El?"
"I'm here. Please give me the gun sweetheart. You're safe I promise."
"El?" He can see flickers of recognition slowly breaking through the clouds in her eyes.
"It's just me. No one else. I won't let anyone hurt you. I would never hurt you." She lowers the gun slowly, looking into the calming blue eyes that had been her stability, her anchor for so long.
"Elliot?"
"What do you need Livia? What can I do?" His voice was gentle and loving. Soft but strong enough to hold her steady.
"Step back for a minute I...I just need a minute." Her hand was shaking and she still had a light grip on her gun.
"Ok...Ok…"
"Did you uh…lock the door?"
"Yeah, babe. It's locked."
"Ok." She set the gun on the counter and looked at him for a minute.
"Elliot?"
"You're ok. You're with me, not Lewis. I should've texted you to let you know I was home-"
"Home?" That word seemed to bring her back to the present. He had the fight the urge to hold her in his arms. She would come to him for comfort when she was ready.
A few seconds of silence and then:
"Elliot! Oh my god…" She gasped in horror at the fact that she had almost shot her boyfriend. She could've hurt him. She could have killed him. He steps closer to her cautiously.
"Honey it's ok. I'm not hurt. It's alright." He could tell she was fighting tears.
"El...I'm so sorry I-I-"
"Shhhh it's alright Liv..come here." He opens his arms and she walks into them without hesitation, burying her face in his neck and inhaling his scent. They were holding each other securely, not tight enough to hurt but tight enough to be comforting and keep Olivia grounded. "What can I do?"
"Just hold me. That's all you ever need to do El." He kissed her head softly kept his arms tightly around her as he swayed them side to side to soothe her. "When I heard the keys I just...I couldn't be unprepared...not this time."
"I know...it's ok."
"No it's not...I'm about to perjure myself in open court tomorrow and I almost shot you. He's turning me into a monster. Just like him."
"No." His voice was firm; he was using the protective tone on her that he often used on his kids, the tone she had become familiar with herself during their partnership. "You listen to me, Olivia Benson. That wasn't you. What happened just now, that was the PTSD, you were triggered. You thought I was an intruder because I failed to give you a heads up. I knew better. I'm the one who should be sorry. You had no control over your reaction."
"And that...that scares the crap out of me Elliot. Because what if I had shot you? What if you were-"
"No….You can't think like that sweetheart. Please. Don't go there. I'm here. Nothing happened."
"But if-"
"Do you know how many hours I laid awake at night while you were missing wondering if we were gonna find you in time? Wondering if your body was dumped somewhere on the side of the road? Thinking about how you were cold and scared and-and." His voice cracked. "How I'd failed to protect you?"
"El..babe-"
"If you go there it will destroy you. Having those thoughts about someone you love...it eats at your soul. You did nothing wrong, Olivia. I'm ok. You're ok. We're both here and we're both safe."
"You didn't fail to protect me. You know that right? That's not true. Not by a long shot." The tears in his eyes broke her heart, but in them, she saw his intense love for her.
"He wouldn't have taken you if I had been here and not on that stupid job."
"Yeah, he would have. He just would've..done something to hurt you first. He's clever El."
"I wanna kill him. I swear to god I could go down to Rikers right now and tear him apart limb by limb and he wouldn't even make it to trial." She could see the rage building and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I know you could...but you won't." She used the same firm tone he had used with her earlier.
"He deserves-"
"I know. But you don't. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life in prison for murdering William Lewis. He's not worth it. Don't let him do that to you. To me. To us."
He looked away from her and she could tell he was still distraught.
"He hurt the love of my life. No one hurts you and gets away with it Liv...no one." His voice was low and cold.
"Does that go for you too? Cause losing you would kill me." He pulled her into his arms again.
"I won't do anything I just-"
"I know babe. I know. I thought I had and now I have to lie in open court and-" Her voice broke.
"Liv-"
"I can't do it El. I can't testify with him questioning me...I can't listen to his filthy version of events I-" He tightened his arms around her securely and cut her off with a reassuring kiss.
"Sweetheart I wish I could make this all go away. All I can promise you is that I'll be in that courtroom with you."
"Elliot-"
"Whether or not you testify is up to you. But you know as well as I do how many victims have told us testifying against their attackers to help put them away was worth it. Just like you told them it would be." She scoffed.
"I lied about that too."
"No, you didn't. Olivia, you survived the abuse and you'll survive the recovery. You tell victims that all the time and it's the truth." It gutted his heart having every time he thought of the fact that this woman he loved so much had been a victim, had gone through what she'd spent years saving others from.
"But in most of those cases, it was the sleazeball defense attorney interrogating them. I have to look at William Lewis, Elliot. I have to look at him and watch him smirk while I tell the court every twisted thing he said and did to me, things he said he was going to do to me." Things not even you know about, but she didn't voice that part out loud. She shuddered in his arms and he pulled back slightly cupping her face with his hand.
"Look at me." Elliot's voice was gentle, his blue eyes soft and loving. "When you're up there focus on me, honey. Don't look at him. I'll be your strength." She leaned in and kissed him deeply.
"You are my strength El. I just...my skin is crawling just thinking about him but to have to listen to his voice-"
"Shhh, I know baby. I know." He pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead.
"But I have to do this...don't I?
"Only you can answer that Liv. I'm not gonna sway your decision either way. I won't take that control from you." If it was possible, that made her love him even more.
"If I don't…" She looks away from him for a moment. "If I don't...then who knows who he'll go after next."
"You can't do that to yourself sweetheart. You gotta do this for you, no one else."
"I'm scared El." He was the only one she'd ever admit that to.
"I know you are...but I also know that you're the strongest woman I've ever known, and if anyone can take this monster down it's you."
"I was only strong because you were my partner."
"I still am, for better or worse. We give each other strength Liv. You give me just as much if not way more than you say I give you."
"Tell me how to do this Elliot." She squeezes his hand tightly.
"You already know Liv. you're gonna go in there and give him the hell he deserves and you're gonna remember that no matter what is said in there, no matter what the outcome is that I love you, more than life itself. That's all you need to know." Her tears had stopped and she smiled gratefully at him. He really was her connection to strength.
"I love you too El."
"You can do this." His Stabler grin melts away the fear in her heart.
"I know I can."
X
The next morning came way too quickly for either partners' liking and Olivia groaned and snuggled tighter into Elliot's arms, wishing she could just stay in them and hide from the world.
"Morning." His voice was raspy from sleep and he kissed her head lightly.
"Not yet." She mumbled and he chuckled, wanting nothing more than to delay the events that would take place in just a few hours as much as possible.
"I love you." He leaned down to kiss her sweetly and give her reassurance and nuzzles his nose with hers. Before she could respond her phone rang and she swallowed hard, squeezing Elliot's hand. She put it on speakerphone and rested it on her partner's chest next to where her head was laying.
"Benson." She felt Elliot press a feather-light kiss to her head, reminding her he was there.
"Liv it's Barba...just wanted to check on you. Make sure you're ready for today."
"I have to be."
"Your squad can't be in there during your testimony, I tried to make an exception but the DA won't allow it. I'm sorry I-"
"I know you did...uh….can Elliot-"
"He can be in there." She breathed a sigh of relief, she knew the only way she could get through this is if Elliot was with her.
"What time...what time do we need to be there?" Elliot's voice cut in.
"2 hours….and Liv?"
"Yeah?"
"We'll get him." He spoke strongly and Elliot replied.
"You better...or I'll finish him myself." He growled and Olivia kissed his shoulder lightly and ran a comforting hand across his chest. His muscles relaxed under her touch.
"Don't let my boss hear me say this but I wouldn't stop you." Despite the circumstances, the exchange between the two men brought her a sense of security. They would both do anything to protect her, especially Elliot. He would kill to protect her and had before.
A few moments of silence past between them after Barba hung up.
"El?"
"Hmm?"
"You can uh...you can shower first." He could tell she was nervous without even looking at her.
"Talk to me Liv. Tell me what's going through your mind. Tell me what I can do. Please." His eyes were filled with love and concern and she felt so calm, and so safe when she looked into them.
"You're already doing it. Just be there."
"Always." She buried her face in his neck, scared to leave their bed and his arms and face reality. "What are you thinking baby?" He has been so worried about her and she didn't want to add to that by telling him how nervous she felt.
"How much I love you." He kisses her forehead.
"I love you too sweetheart. So much." He lifted her in his arms and carried her to the kitchen. Any other day she would've protested but after Lewis and especially today being the day of his trial she craved Elliot's overprotectiveness and comfort. He set her on the counter while he made her a cup of coffee and then one for himself.
"Kinda like old times huh? Leaving for court to bust a perp together? Getting our own coffee to avoid the stuff Munch makes? He chuckles lightheartedly and grins. But his smile drops at her response.
"Except this time…" I'm the victim
"We're together. We're gonna get through this together. That's what matters." He scoops her up in his arms again to carry her to the couch.
"I'm gonna take a shower. Come get me if you need something." He gives her a quick peck on the lips.
She watched him walk back to their bedroom and sighed. He was everything to her and she hoped that after hearing her testimony, the disgusting and vile things Lewis would make her say, she hoped Elliot would still love her as unconditionally and strongly as he did now. She didn't know what she'd do if he didn't.
X
They walked into the courthouse with their hands locked tightly together. The squad had sent Olivia messages of love and encouragement that morning and with that and her loyal life partner by her side, she felt like she was ready for whatever was thrown at her. Barba met them at the door to the courtroom and gave them a nod of support.
"I'll give you two a moment." Before she could say anything Elliot's arms were around her and she held onto him tightly.
"I'll be in the second row ok? Just focus on me."
"I know." She was surprised her voice wasn't shaky. He pulled back and cupped her cheek in his hand.
"I love you. No matter what." Please don't let this be the last time I hear those words. She responds with a deep kiss because it's the best way to convey everything she's feeling. They stay like this until the bailiff walks out and says:
"It's almost time." Elliot gives her one last squeeze before they make their way to their seats. He walks to the left and front of her slightly to shield her from Lewis's view and when they sit down, him in the row behind her he puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"The prosecution calls Detective Olivia Benson to the stand." She feels like she's about to throw up as Elliot helps her to her feet. Her eyes lock with his.
'I'm here' is what they say to her. 'I know you are' is what she tries to communicate back. Her eyes lock with Barba's as she walks to the stand and tries to look anywhere but at the man on the other side of the courtroom. She takes a shaky breath as she gives her oath and is grateful when Barba angles himself to the side of her to block Lewis from her view while also being far enough over that she can lock eyes with Elliot, her blue-eyed anchor. Her stability.
Elliot tries to contain his rage when Lewis makes an outburst during Barba's questioning causing Olivia to jump. After trying to regain her composure she found his soothing blue eyes again and he relaxed. He needed to be strong for her, but he couldn't help the tears that formed in his eyes at what she'd been through.
A few more questions then the ADA says the words that make Olivia's heart stop:
"The prosecution rests." She sees Elliot's eyes darken and narrow dangerously as Lewis stands up as if to warn him that he would kill him without a moment of hesitation consequences be damned if he tried anything. Olivia tries to take comfort in her former partner's fiercely protective stance. As long as he was here she was safe. She gulps and struggles to keep her eyes locked with his. She gives Lewis a harsh glare when he notices, smirks and tries to block her view of Elliot. She doesn't even realize how badly she's shaking until Barba voice cuts in.
"Objection. He's intimidating Detective Benson." She locks eyes with the ADA who had become one of her best friends and releases the shaky breath she'd been holding. When the judge orders Lewis to move back and out of her view of Elliot and Barba, she locks eyes with Elliot again. His jaw is clenched and the look he gives her tells her his restraint won't last much longer. Barba stands in front and to the left of him slightly, looking ready to murder Lewis himself.
"She didn't seem very intimidated when we were spending time together, captivated is more like it." She was pretty sure she could hear Elliot's growl.
"In your dreams." She snapped, finding comfort in Elliot's gaze, which seemed to be burning holes in the back of Lewis's skull.
"Admit it, detective...you were taunting me...telling me you knew what I had done to those women, that I wasn't man enough to do it to you-"
"It was a tactic...to stay alive!"
"After all these years investigating sex crimes you've become...attracted...is that it?... You were just waiting for us to have sex. You were practically begging-" Olivia bit back a fearful whimper when she felt his breath on her neck and that was Elliot's undoing.
"GET AWAY FROM HER YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!" He yelled as Barba yelled out "Objection! Badgering!" Her breath was shaky and short as she tried to keep from having a panic attack on the stand.
"Mr. Lewis, back away from Detective Benson. I'm not going to warn you again. And Mr. Stabler, if I hear another outburst from you I will ask you to leave." The judge spoke sternly and Olivia's breath hitched. She locked eyes with Elliot trying to communicate for him how badly she needed him there and that she wasn't sure she could handle it if he was removed from the room. He was her steadying force, her rock, her stability.
"I'm here." He mouthed to her and she nodded. "I love you." Those words seemed to give her the spark of strength she needed to snap back at Lewis.
"Rape isn't sex." Lewis ignored her statement and looked behind him and Elliot who had his fists clenched in barely contained rage.
"That was your old partner huh? You didn't like me talking about him very much. What was it you said? He would break every bone in my body?"
"He would've." She spoke strongly as a tear fell from her eye and more blurred her vision. His blue eyes seemed to say to her 'I'm about to' and she tried to communicate back 'don't. I need you.' Her skin was crawling and she fought back the urge that told her to run into her old partner's arms and seek shelter.
"How many times have you two done it? He probably doesn't even want to touch you now, does he? All those scars on your body. I'm still in your head at night aren't I? He can barely even kiss you without you thinking of me." She had to look away from Elliot then. She hadn't told him everything Lewis had done. She trusted him with her life and had been ok with his touches since the trauma hadn't fully set in yet. but the fear he would be disgusted by her had crept back.
"Objection! Detective Benson's personal life is not on trial here."
"Sustained...you're on thin ice, Mr. Lewis." Barba, sensing Olivia's slow descent into panic asked for a recess which the judge granted. She, however, was frozen on the stand and was staring at the wall, not wanting to look anyone in the eye.
"Liv." She knew it was Elliot without even looking. When his arms opened for her though she clung to him, trying hard not to sob. "You don't have to do this any more honey. I can talk to Barba, you know he'll understand. We can go home."
"Then I'll be letting him win El."
"Excuse me?" She recognized the woman who had interrupted them as the jury forewoman. "Several of us are bothered by the fact that William's injuries haven't been discussed." The glare Elliot sent her caused her to back up a couple steps.
"He's lucky he doesn't have more." He snapped.
"I just think that the police brutality Detective Benson showed makes her less believable." Luckily Barba stepped in.
"You bothering my Detective?"
"Just questioning her motives."
"Screw you." Olivia snapped, still wrapped in Elliot's arms.
"She's unstable."
"Your 'William' over there is about to be unstable if I get my hands on him," Elliot growled.
"Mr. Barba this man needs to be banned from the courtroom, he has made multiple threats-" Olivia clung tighter to Elliot.
"I didn't hear anything," Barba smirked. The woman scoffed and walked away and Barba decided to leave too, allowing the couple a few moments of vulnerability.
"I'm so proud of you Olivia. I hope you know that." She didn't respond, not wanting to move her head from the safety of the crook of his neck. A spot she found endlessly comforting because she could feel the vibrations of his soothing voice and could rest her hand over his heart and feel the strength of his muscles underneath his shirt, and smell his cologne that reminded her that she was safe. "Baby…" his voice was hesitant, but to her, it was still soothing. "Can I ask...about that last thing he said? That didn't come up in your testimony?"
"He didn't...not-not all the way...not what you're thinking. He got on top of me but he didn't…" She could feel him release a breath he had been holding. "Remember Sealview...how I...told you what would've happened if Fin hadn't gotten there when he did?" He swallowed hard and she felt him nod. "Lewis...got um. He-" She was shaking in his arms and he rocked them gently, trying to comfort her. "He got further than Harris did." His muscles tensed and he felt bile in his throat. He didn't have to ask her what that meant.
"He made you-"
"Yeah." Her voice cracked. "And I had to...I had to beg him. I had to tell him I'd do anything to live and that I had to-" she let out a sob she'd been holding.
"Shhh, we don't have to talk about this sweetheart. I'm sorry. Shhh."
"I'm gonna have to tell Barba anyway since I left that out of my statement. I might as well tell you."
"What happened baby?"
"I told him...I told him I'd get on my knees and do whatever he wanted if he just let me live."
"Oh my god."
"I'm sorry Elliot. I should've fought harder I'm sorry-"
"Oh honey, no you didn't do anything wrong. This is on him, not you." Her sobs broke his heart. "Come on I'll take you home. I'm not putting you through another second of this."
"I have to El."
"No, you don't. You've been through enough." There was a part of her that wanted to give in to his overprotectiveness and let him take her home and hold her until this nightmare was over. But she couldn't give Lewis that satisfaction.
"Elliot please." He tried to keep dark thoughts out of his mind that wondered how many times she'd been forced to say 'please' to Lewis...followed by 'stop' or 'I'll do anything'.
"Are you sure?" His concern for her was overflowing.
"I've got you. I can do this."
"You'll always have me. I love you, Olivia. Very much."
X
Elliot's last words to her during the recess seemed to give her a sense of confidence during the second part of the cross-examination. Lewis made a pathetic attempt to convince the court that she'd used excessive force to which she consistently responded: "I did what I had to do to subdue you." She kept her eyes locked with Elliot's until Lewis snapped.
"You wanna look at him? Too bad...I'm blind in one eye thanks to you!" She shrank back in her seat when he raised his voice, trying to find Elliot but tears were blurring her vision. "LOOK AT ME!" She could hear the judge calling for order and Barba saying "Objection!" But her mind was forced to focus on the beast in front of her for the first time since he held her captive.
She struggled to speak without picturing him looming over her.
"I did...what I had to do...to subdue you." Her voice cracked.
"You took a metal bar while I was handcuffed and BEAT ME WITHIN AN INCH OF MY LIFE!" Her eyes were frantically searching for Elliot, like a drowning sailor searching for their life vest. She couldn't breathe, and when he leaned in close enough for his saliva to drip on her she was paralyzed.
The room erupted in chaos. Elliot, unable to be restrained by any of the 4 security officers that had run in tackled Lewis, his hands wrapped around his neck and his eyes wide with fury. Barba finally convinced him to let go before he snapped Lewis's neck, telling him Olivia had run out of the room and he needed to find her and take her home and console her. Her testimony was done, he wasn't putting her through anything else.
"You think this is over? Your pretty little girlfriend will never be the same again." Elliot wanted to kill him but now his mind was focused on finding Olivia. When he found her in the stairwell his heart broke. He could tell she was barely holding it together and approached her slowly. He gently pulls her into his arms and she cries into his chest.
"El-Elliot"
"Shhh, it's over sweetheart. It's over. You did great. Everything's gonna be ok now."
"He could walk-"
"He won't, the jury's not letting him off. Not this time." She doesn't respond and his heart breaks because she's crying too hard to speak. "What can I do Liv? Tell me what you need. I'm here."
"H-hold me. And don't let go."
"Oh, baby I promise you I won't ever let go. I've got you, sweetheart. Shhh deep breaths, I've got you. I'm never gonna let anyone hurt you again." He's cradling her in his lap so he can rock her gently as she cries.
"Tighter." He wraps his arms tighter around her and kisses her head.
"We're gonna get through this. I love you and I've got you. I'm here. You're safe. El's got you."
She snuggles deeper into his embrace and tries to focus on his heartbeat, the gentle timbre of his voice as he soothed her, his strong and loving arms that were wrapped securely around her for protection, anything to catch her breath and get the monster out of her head. She tried to speak but it was muffled in his shirt, she didn't want to leave his arms. He was her shelter.
"Hmm, what baby?" He cooed to her, still speaking in a soft and gentle tone. She sniffled and lifted her head to meet his eyes, he leaned his forehead on hers and kissed a few tears. She closed her eyes feeling warmth wash over her.
"I said I love you too." She really did. So much. He kissed her forehead gently.
"Let's get you home huh?" She leaned into him as they walked back to the car and he kept a supportive arm around her waist.
X
"That forewoman...he was playing her." She said while cuddled in Elliot's arms on their couch.
"He's not getting away with this Liv. I promise."
"You can't promise me that El...no one can...he's gonna-"
"I won't let him near you again Olivia. I can promise you that. I'd go down there and kill him right now if you wanted me to. I'm gonna protect you like I should have the night he took you. I know you're worried sweetheart but I promise I will not leave your side."
"I'm not worried about that El. I know you'd protect me I'm just..I'm terrified that-" His heart cracked at the tears in her voice. The phone rang before she could say anything else and she was grateful Elliot answered because she didn't know if she could.
"Stabler." She felt his muscles tense as she heard Barba's words.
"Jury's back."
X
She gripped Elliot's hand tighter as the verdicts were read.
"On the charge of assaulting a police officer, we find the defendant not guilty.
"Elliot-" She whispered shakily.
"Shhh, it's gonna be ok." He wrapped his arm around her and she cuddled into his side.
"On the charge of attempted rape of a police officer….we find the defendant not guilty." Elliot wanted to shoot Lewis and the jury forewoman but his focus was on the woman shaking in his arms.
"On the charge of kidnapping….we find the defendant guilty." She released a sob of relief then and was glad it was muffled by Elliot's shirt
"On the charge of murder...we find the defendant guilty." She sags against Elliot who helps her to her feet.
"We did it Liv...it's over." She breathes in his scent that makes her feel whole and it's in his arms that she allows herself to relax for the first time in days. He holds her tightly in a cocoon of protection and whispers sweet nothings in her ear.
She knew the road to recovery would be a long one but she knew she could get through it as long as she had him by her side. She hears her squad and Barba congratulating her but the only thing she's focused on is how safe she feels in Elliot's arms. Her protector. Her partner. Her shelter.
"I'm going to request the max." She heard Barba say and one of Elliot's strong arms left her briefly to shake his hand.
"Thank you," Elliot spoke with tears in his eyes, and the exchange between the two men warmed her heart. She knew they both cared for her deeply and would do anything to protect her.
She didn't hear Lewis being led out of the room or see the glare the jury forewoman tossed in her direction. No, she allowed herself to find peace in the only place she ever truly could.
In the arms of her anchor.
A/N: Thoughts?