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They had been at the house, a generous term Alex thought, for around a week and apart from a trip to the market by Olivia on the second day they had kept largely to themselves. Alex's wounds had healed to the point that they no longer needed bandages or tending and it was down to time to turn the angry red marks white. They had spent the time turning what was a sorry, and leaking room in to a place that wasn't only fit for habitation but was actually an appealing place to stay. Sir Walter had gifted them some money, not a lot but enough, and with it Olivia had brought what they needed in the nearby village. She fixed the thatch on the roof and together with Alex had woven guards from reeds they had found down by the stream to stop the wind whistling through the windows. They planted what they could in the soil, although it was late in the year, and brought what they could not grow themselves and collected a pile of firewood which they kept under the table. Their final act had been to dig a hole in the ground against the far wall inside the house and bury Olivia's bow and Alex's sword. They were the two most valuable things they owned and they couldn't risk leaving them in plain sight or carrying them with them. Alex had wrapped her hand around the falcon hilt one last time before laying it gently in the dirt.

Most of the time Alex felt like a spare part. The manual labour she could help with, although her strength still wasn't back to normal, and she happily carried fallen branches and turned the soil in their vegetable patch but anything that required skill only Olivia could do. She watched as the older woman cooked all their meals and tried to copy her weaving technique when it came to the windows but was acutely aware that in the basic day to day living her castle lifestyle of servants and cooks was plainly visible. For this reason she took it upon herself to care for the bees.

On the second day the two women had stood at a far distance from the hives, neither one of them wanting to get any closer. A young boy, around eleven perhaps had arrived at dawn and Alex had made him sit down and tell her everything there was to know, everything she had to do. Winter was quiet, the time when the hives needed to be repaired and tended to and the bees that were left largely lay dormant. It wasn't until summer that she would able to harvest any honey. Sitting there listening and inspecting the hives it was the first time that Alex saw Olivia look less than confident. Apparently a bad experience with a swarm when she was younger had given her a fear of anything that was smaller than a bird and could fly; she confessed that she didn't want to go near the buzzing things and Alex, happy that for once she had the upper hand, volunteered to do it all.

It wasn't until midway through second week, however, that Alex realised Olivia really wasn't kidding when it came to hating their new found profession.

'Alex!' Alex looked up from where she was sitting at the table cutting a potato for their evening meal as Olivia came barging through the door with a panicked cry.

'What?'

'It fucking stung me! It stung me!' Olivia all but shouted, panting hard.

Alex couldn't help it when her mouth started to smile and though she brought her hand up to her face Olivia still saw. 'It's not funny Alex it fucking hurts. I told you those things have it out for me, I barely even went near the dam hives.'

'The bees from Sherwood came all this way to tell the Canterbury bees that you're not to be trusted because you accidently knocked a hive out of a tree when you were twelve?' Alex wasn't trying to hide her smile now as she got up and walked over to the distressed woman.

'They can fly, it's not such a long way for them.' Olivia shook her head annoyed she had been baited into the conversation. 'Just get the sting out please.' She said turning her back and pulling her dress down to her waist.

Alex paused for a moment surprised that Olivia had somehow managed to get stung on the lower part of her shoulder blade; although thinking about it the dresses weren't particularly thick.

'See cowards the lot of them, to attack someone's back.' Olivia said sounding like a petulant child.

'If only the world could see you now,' Alex replied with a smile as she used her nail to squeeze the black sting out of Olivia's back, 'the great Olivia Benson, felled by a simple bee sting.'

'I'm allergic.'

'You're not allergic.' Alex answered, laughing at Olivia's tone and the whole bizarre situation. 'Wait there, Michael gave me something that will help with the swelling.'

'Michael?'

'The boy who came last week remember.' Olivia grunted in response. Alex stepped round her shaking her head fondly and back to the table where she kept the lavender oil that Michael had given her for when she invariably got stung. Her smile faltered and then fell from her face when she turned back round to face Olivia.

With one hand Olivia was holding up her dress, bunched at her waist, but the other was hanging loose at her side. She had made no move to cover her breasts and Alex found herself struck dumb for a moment at the sight. She quickly ducked her head and walked back round to Olivia's back, her cheeks flushed red and an uncomfortable heat pooling in her stomach. She remembered the last time she had seem the brunet's chest and realised that her memory hadn't done them justice. The light spilling through the window over the table showed more than the night in the forest ever could and she truly believed that the light brown skin, paler than her face darkened by the sun, was the most beautiful colour she had ever seen. Her hand was shaking at she poured the oil over her fingers.

'What is it?' Olivia asked, seemingly unaware of Alex's response. Though they had lived together in close quarters Olivia had been careful since her first unwanted kiss to make Alex as comfortable as possible. They dressed and washed with their backs to each other and Olivia still slept on the other side of the room. She believed that Alex thought this hid her nightmares but Olivia still woke to the sound of heavy breathing and the sight of dark circles under the blonde's eyes. In her pain and annoyance over the bee sting she forgot to be so careful.

'Errm,' Alex replied trying to regain control over her thoughts, 'it's lavender oil.' She quickly rubbed the skin on Olivia's back, hoping that the sooner she was done the sooner the heat would leave her body. She tried not feel how soft Olivia was. 'There done.' She said stepping away and walking back to the table with her head down. Olivia slowly brought her dress back over her shoulders, becoming aware that something had shaken the blonde but being as comfortable as she was with nudity not being aware of what it could be.

'Thanks. I'll errrm get some more firewood.'

Alex only nodded and kept her head down cutting the potato into smaller and smaller chunks until Olivia was out of sight. She had thought that she was broken; that she would never want anyone that way again but her response to even the slightest show of skin from Olivia proved her wrong. Her hand had felt burned she touched her back and she had had to step away quickly lest the desire to reach round and brush her fingers against the breasts she couldn't get out of head became too much. She remembered what it felt like to hold them in her hands, to feel the dark nipples harden under her palms and she shifted her thighs uncomfortably under the table as tears pooled in her eyes. She sat there breathing hard, her body fighting two conflicting emotions. One the one hand the heat she felt in her cheeks and the pulse between her legs proved that what her father had done hadn't cured her and a small part of her hoped it would. But on the other hand she was fighting tears because she knew that whatever she had wanted to start with Olivia she would never have been able to finish. Olivia deserved someone better than her, someone who was beautiful and not covered in scars and damaged beyond repair. She tipped her head back and ran her thumb over the cool bone handle of the knife in her hand. She had to know what Olivia saw in her; why the older woman had come all this way just for her.

The sun had set by the time they had eaten and Alex was sitting on their pallet with her back against the wall while Olivia sat by the fire using it's light to make a fishing rod out of some wire and a stick. Alex watched her struggle and curse as she stuck her finger with the hook, bringing the cut up to her lips to wipe away the blood. 'Liv.' Alex called before she lost her nerve. The brunet didn't look up just answered with an mmmmm. 'I wanted to ask you something.' Something in the tone of Alex's voice made Olivia look up this time and putting down her makeshift rod she came and sat beside the blonde.

'Why have you done all this for me?'

'Because it's the right thing to do.' Olivia replied without thinking.

'That's not an answer.' Liv turned her head and saw how set Alex's jaw was, how the simple, would not be enough this time.

She sighed and leaned her head back against the wall. She had asked herself the same question back when they were in the Abbey and though yes, it was the right thing to do, she had to admit to herself that her motives were more complicated than that. 'I care about you.' She said turning her face back to Alex.

'That's still not an answer.'

'Of course it is.'

'No, it's bullshit. Why do you care? I've done nothing to warrant your care. You know nothing about me except what's happened and if you're here out of pity Olivia I want you leave right now because I won't be anyone's charity case.'

Olivia saw that Alex was on the verge of tears and without thinking she took her hand and held it, the skin blistered from working in the cold without gloves for the first time. 'It's not pity Alex,' she started deciding that she owed the other woman a full explanation of what was going on in her head. 'I'm in awe of you.'

Alex pulled her face away from how close they were, her shock evident. For all that she had been expecting Olivia to say it hadn't been that.

'In this life, people don't get choice. You're born into your village and you die in your village. I count myself as lucky that I got to go to the Holy land, and I know that if it wasn't for that I would simply be some peasant somewhere with a brood of children and a husband who loved drink too much. So very few people get to decide what they want to do, who they want to be. Between the land and your parents and God nobody really gets a choice.' She was rubbing her thumb over the back of Alex's hand staring at the contrast between their bronze and white skin. 'You didn't get the Holy land. You didn't get any choice and your life was even more constricting that anyone. And yet,' she looked up as her voice grew stronger and met Alex's eyes, 'And yet, you still chose to be better than your life. You could have so easily given up yet you came to find us, you came to be better!'

'I want to give up.' Alex felt as if her throat was trying to close and she was fighting tears. Olivia's honest and candid words inspired her own honesty. She had lost count of the number of times she had woken in the night, scared and alone and trembling and just wanted to make it all stop. How easy it would be to fall on her sword and end a life that probably should never have started.

Olivia felt as if a vice had closed around her chest and she marvelled that emotional pain could be felt so physically. She slowly brought her hand up, so as to not scare Alex, and ran the tips of fingers along her jaw. 'I know,' she said softly, 'I know sweetheart. But there's so much to keep fighting for.'

Alex gave a short harsh laugh, 'like what?'

'Me.' Olivia replied quietly but firmly.

'I….. I can't….I' Alex couldn't get her words out and she felt her breathing beginning to quicken at the thought of Olivia's implication.

'Shhhhh, Alex, Alex, breathe with me, breathe come on…' together they slowly breathed in and out till Alex's panic had abated. 'What are you scared of?'

Alex lost her fight against her tears and they rolled slowly down her cheeks, 'I can't want you.'

Olivia felt her breath catch in her throat. For all the pain of their conversation she couldn't help but feel a spark of joy at the thought of Alex still desiring her, even if she did not want to. She remembered how it felt to realise that she wasn't attracted to men as everyone else said she should be. How all the soldiers in the Holy land had not compared to one night with the Spanish barmaid on her way home. She would never shout it out for own safety but neither would she apologise for those she chose to love. 'Why not?' she asked.

'I'm already a bad person. I have to be or he wouldn't…' Alex found that she couldn't look at Olivia as spoke, 'one father hates me; I can't give God another reason to as well.'

'Oh Alex…. It wasn't your fault. Look at me…' Alex still had her face turned away so Olivia used her hand to turn her jaw but even then Alex wouldn't meet her eyes. 'Alex what he did; you did not deserve that, you did nothing. Please. Please believe me.' She tried to put as much truth as she could into her words but still felt as if they didn't really reach the blonde and in the end had to move on. 'God doesn't hate you.' She finished softly.

'If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.' Alex replied her voice flat and monotone as she repeated something that has obviously be drilled into her head.

'Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.' Olivia replied calmly as a shocked Alex finally met her gaze. 'I lived with Munch for a long time and had my own battle with God Alex. He made me this way and I don't believe he makes mistakes. My God is a God of love and he rejoices in it in any form.

They were silent for a time as Olivia's word sunk in and Alex's tears had dried before she said quietly, 'I can't….' She swallowed audibly and tried again, 'I can't….' she frowned and Olivia taking pity guessed at what she was trying to say.

'I would never force you to do anything. If I have to spend my whole life on the other side of the room that would okay Alex. If you don't want to, you don't want to. But it has to be because of you. Not because you don't think you deserve it or because someone's told you you're not beautiful but because you just don't want to.

'But…. The scars…'

'Only make you more beautiful. They show how strong you are Alex, how your body keeps fighting to live and keep going.' She brought her hand up to cup the side of Alex's face her thumb never stopping rubbing circles on the back of Alex's hand, 'you're the most stunning person I've ever met.'

Alex didn't reply, just blushed red and stared into Olivia's eyes. She didn't recognise the God Olivia spoke of, he wasn't the God the priest spoke about on Sunday or the God her father had told her about. She couldn't really believe that Olivia's God could ever exist but even so she felt her eyes drop to Olivia's lips and couldn't help her body leaning forward. Olivia had told her that she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to do, that there would be no pressure and suddenly Alex felt the need to test it, to test herself.

Olivia held her breath as she more felt than saw Alex lean forward. She kept her eyes on the grey irises that moved slowly closer even though Alex was looking at her lips and not at her and when she felt the blonde's warm breath on her face she couldn't help but part her mouth slightly.

Unlike the kiss in the forest this had no passion. If a kiss could be described as careful then this one would be. Olivia let Alex take the lead and fear and inexperience made it slow, their tongues remaining firmly in their own mouths. Olivia prayed that one day she would kiss Alex and not taste the salt of her tears on the other woman's lips and after a short time Alex moved away and Olivia could only smiled gently at the nervous expression she saw.

'I don't know what I want Liv,' Alex said, her voice quiet as the fire cracked and spitted.

Olivia nodded slightly and touched her forehead lightly to Alex's before pulling away and holding her eyes. She didn't know that anyone could love someone this much, especially after such a short amount of time but she would do anything for the blonde, be anything she needed her to be. 'Then I'll be here,' she said, 'and together we can figure it out.'