Steve Warz: Trilogy 12

by The Compendium of Steve

The penultimate trilogy, folks! Squishy has been plagued with upsetting visions, and a mysterious cult is causing trouble! But as the Jedi rush to quell them, it soon becomes clear that there's a lot more going on, as a shocking remnant from the distant past steps forth to exact revenge with the most destructive forces imaginable! (Transcribed by the steadfast overmind2000)

2. Episode 1

Steve Warz

Episode [Wing]:

Sinister Dawnings

With the downfall of the Financer's devious scheme for galactic stagnation and the removal of Alexander, the galaxy has been on a fast road to recovery. Every character done away with were instantly returned by the Contractor, among them the Jaa-Ruuk children, Duff McWhalan's Mega Man Boss Corps, and even the lovably abused Jennings. Admiral Ackbar was relieved of his duties as mission assigner, which was quite the relief to his normally busy schedule. And of course there was much partying, because nobody ever gets tired of doing that at the end of every trilogy.

A year has passed since then and everything has gone to its routine dullness… save for the startlingly vivid dreams our main star Squishy has been having. Mere nightmares, or a vision of things to come? Following his latest sleepless night, he goes out to clear his thoughts, and perhaps seek some answers… which will invariably lead to the start of a new trilogy. Yeah, after eleven times you know how it goes: Exposition then scene. Care to guess what will happen this time around? It's gonna be a doozy!

(The sprawling planet-wide cityscape of Coruscant. Somewhere in the lower upper city, a recognizably small Jawa opens the chrome-trimmed door of the famed Inexplicably 50s-Style Diner. Following the inviting dingle of the entry bell, Squishy goes over to the serving bar and hops on a stool. In moments he is approached by a wrinkly, green troll-looking creature dressed like a short order cook)

Cook: Are my eyes deceiving me or am I seeing a galactic hero sitting here in my rusty little diner? I gotta say I'm shocked, SHOCKED!

Squishy: Hi Mel.

Mel: And he remembers my name still. Talk about an honor! The point I'm getting at is that it's been ages since you walked into my establishment. I figured you wised up and considered yourself too good a big shot to be associating with a crusty ol' kook like me.

Squishy: I'm sorry for that.

Mel: Ah, fahggedabout it: you're busy saving the universe and all that razzmatazz. So what brings you here on this fine, ever-so-hectic metropolitan day?

Squishy: Just wanted to be out of the house for a spell. I made a jackass of myself at the bar I usually go to, and I still feel too embarrassed to try going back.

Mel: You won't know until you go back and see, but I'm still touched you chose to settle that little bum of yours on one of my stools for a change. So whaddya it be?

Squishy: I'll have a malt, extra thick.

(The proprietor makes a concerned look, and talks while he works his malt machine)

Mel: Extra thick? Ohhh brother, folks that order that either have a lot of time to kill or a lot of thinking to do. (After seconds of whirring and grindings he turns around and plants a tall glass of foamy sweetness on the bar top) So what's on your mind, kid?

Squishy: (Sigh) I'm literally too tired to even try denying that, Mel. (Sips malt) It's about Sylvia—

Mel: What? There's some trouble brewing between you and your darling squeeze? But you both are so perfect for one another; I cannot imagine a "trouble in paradise" scenario with you two. Don't tell me you're taking one of those "breaks" those troubled marriages often have, because lemme be honest, it's a little late for you to go doodlin' around like you just bought your first house.

Squishy: No no, there's no trouble; we're still fine. It's just… I've been having these dreams lately. Nightmares, really. (Sips) All of them about Sylvia being in some kind of danger. All of them so vivid, startling. They've been so frequent over the past two weeks I've begun losing sleep, but I don't want to tell her about them and worry her. Honestly, they're really disturbing.

Mel: Aaaaaah! Those sound to me like visions, little Jedi!

Squishy: Are, are you sure?

Mel: Of course! Disturbing, frequent, happens only in your sleep. All of them are hallmarks of bonafide subliminal clairvoyance! Now while I've long since hung up my hermit's robes, and that the Schwartz is by no means comparable to something like the Force, I can tell you that what you're having is nothing to stick your nose up at.

Squishy: Well crap. If that's so, then I need to find some way to stop it!

Mel: Hopefully it's one of those forewarning kinds and not the "destined to happen" kind. Though for my money, I'd want to do some research to figure out which one.

Squishy: Yes, but I'm not sure if any of my pals are available to discuss this, and discreetly at that.

Mel: Have you considered visiting the Jedi Archives since you've decided on taking a casual stroll?

Squishy: Of course, the Archives! Doh, so obvious. I should head there right now. (Springs off stool and heads for door, but stops) Oh wait, I forgot to pay for the malt.

Mel: Don't worry about it; it's on the house. Of course, it'd be wonderful if you could make me a recurring character as thanks, but given how late in the game everything is, I won't hold it against you if that doesn't become a reality.

Squishy: Uhhh, okay. Well, thanks for the tips and info, Mel. I'll try not being such a stranger!

Mel: See that you do, if it's within your power. Say hi to the missus and kids for me when you get the chance.

(Squishy waves farewell before leaving the diner. Sometime later, we find him walking through the cavernous halls of the historic Jedi Grand Temple… which is completely abandoned, mostly unlit and dusty as all h***. The emptiness is so pronounced that even the light footsteps of a Jawa reverberate like the ringing of a gong)

Squishy: Wow, we reeeeally let this place go… We might want to start looking for new recruits at some point. Or turn this into public a rec center.

(He shrugs and keeps on walking, soon reaching the Library section, which is actually looking quite nice thanks to the myriad of spinster librarians who take great pride in maintaining a spotless fortress for literary preservation. At the far end of the library is the Library Master's/Information desk, and upon approaching it Squishy notes the uniformed folks milling around near an open doorway that's sealed up with plastic tape. As the waspish Head Librarian approaches from the other side of the desk, Squishy leaps up to plant an arm over the edge to keep himself up)

Librarian: Well, this morning just keeps getting more surprising. A Master has deigned to pay us a visit after years of absence, and it so happens to arguably be the most recognizable one.

Squishy: Yeah, there's really no proper excuse for us not being around, Rita. What good is a big honking temple for just the ten of us, especially when we're not always on-planet? But you did an incredible job keeping this end of the temple looking nice.

Rita: Me and a devoted, strictly voluntary staff certainly have done wonders combating the advances of time, indeed.

Squishy: Yeah yeah. Listen, could I have access to the Restricted Archives for a moment?

Rita: Hmm. As much as I would love to squeeze you for some updated décor for that privilege, I sincerely cannot this particular day. Those archives are closed due to a robbery.

Squishy: A robbery?

Rita: That's right. It happened about an hour ago and caught us all by surprise. I mean, book thieves in this day and age? Anyway, while the authorities over there are collecting evidence, everything in the Restricted Archive is off-limits until further notice.

Squishy: Oh. Well, that's a bummer. Closed even to Master ranks and galactic saviors?

Rita: Off-limits period to any and all who are not involved in the investigation, so unless you have a police sponsor then this desk will be as far as you can go, I'm afraid. In light of this, was there something specific you would like me to hold for you after the investigation's over?

Squishy: No, nothing specific. I can just come back another time.

Rita: Hopefully not another decade's worth. Still, sorry for the inconvenience. I'll look forward to your return visit so we can properly discuss refurnishing options.

Squishy: Sure. Uh, see ya.

(He drops back down to the floor, sighs, and walks back the way he came. Some minutes later, as he's descending the steps leading from the main entrance a beeping goes off. Reaching into his garb, Squishy pulls out a comm link and answers it)

Squishy: Hello?

Comm Will: Yo Squish, it's been awhile.

Squishy: Hey Will! This is a surprise hearing from you.

Comm Will: I tried calling your apartment but Sylv answered and said you were out, and since she left her comm link over at military HQ, I got the privilege of checking in on you separately as well.

Squishy: What did you want to talk to me about?

Comm Will: I wanted to tell you both that Chris is calling in all available Jedi on the planet. There's a robbery in progress at the Galactic Museum of History.

Squishy: Another one? Funny, there was a robbery at the Jedi Temple Library an hour ago.

Comm Will: Really? Well son of a gun. In any case, us Jedi are to head over and help the police any way we can.

Squishy: All Jedi? Sounds a bit much to handle a robbery.

Comm Will: Yeah, but it's something to do. Me and Sara are heading there right now; want me to call Sylv and tell her that you're gonna be there?

Squishy: Yeah you do that. That would be appreciated.

Comm Will: Sure thing. We'll see you there. Over and out.

Squishy: K. (Turns off and puts away comm. Shrugs shoulders) Welp… back to it I guess.

(Resumes walking. Several minutes later we are shown the grand facade of the city planet's most decadent museum. An air taxi arrives at its front and drops off Squishy, who stands on the sidewalk to take in the architecture)

Sylvia: There you are!

(Squishy looks to see the very scaly Sylvia coming up to him)

Squishy: Hi honey.

Sylvia: Where did you go this morning? It's not like you to go out into the city alone and without letting me know.

Squishy: Sorry. I just felt like taking a stroll. It's pretty nice today.

Sylvia: Okay. Just leave a note next time.

Sally: Yeah. That way we know where to look for your body.

(Coming to join them are Squishy's daughter and son, both of whom look nearly identical to their mother, save for their brown scale coloration and the extra digits on their claws)

Squishy: Hey, kids! You're here!

Sally: Yep. Me and Stan have been enriching ourselves with city living for a spell.

Stan: Jawa Home's been dead for awhile, and Uncle Steezy's been too busy to hang out lately.

Squishy: It's another vacation season, so that sounds about right. But he'll be back in partying spirit once it's over, guaranteed.

Stan: Oh, no doubt.

Sally: Are we gonna head in or what?

Sylvia: Sure. Can't keep the others waiting, huh Squishy?

Squishy: Definitely not.

(They all head up the steps as one. Inside the museum foyer, various police are gathered at different places discussing things and looking over equipment, mainly guns and communication items)

Stan: Must be a really dangerous crook to have all this attention just for a robbery.

(As they reach the middle of the room they spot Will and Sara talking with a policeman. Sara notices them and nudges Will so that they both see the approaching family)

Sara: Hey you guys! Stan, Sally, I didn't know you two were here.

Stan: Yeah; it would have been all of us, but Rick split from us a while back. He's still not one to hang out with us for long.

Sally: But he did send us a message earlier that said he's gonna stop by Coruscant. Didn't say exactly when, though.

Will: Preferring to act mysterious as well. (Looks around) So is this it?

(The Jaa-Ruuk family looks among themselves)

Stan: I guess. Was anybody else supposed to be coming?

Will: Doesn't seem like it, which is a shame. It's kinda weird not having Jo around for something like this. Anyway, let's get you up to date. This here is the guy in charge.

Officer: Hello Jedi. I am Chief Officer Tenpence, and I'm in command of this operation.

Squishy: Good to meet ya. What's the situation?

Tenpence: It's more serious than a typical robbery, I can tell you that much. If you will all follow me to the information counter I'll show you the floor plans and give you the rundown.

Will: Visual aids for the win.

(They head to the counter where Tenpence brings up a portable data screen with electronic blueprints of the museum)

Tenpence: Around twenty minutes ago, motion sensors picked up a break-in at the Special Collections exhibit, which had been closed for renovations. It's on the second floor back center as you can see here. The security on duty responded immediately, and upon making visual contact with the trespasser they radioed for backup and sealed all entrances and exits to that part of the building.

We arrived here about ten minutes ago only to find the area still sealed off, meaning security had yet to manually reopen it. This can only mean that whoever broke in is still trapped in there and giving security a rough time.

Sara: If it's breaking in and subduing perps that you want then you've picked the right guys to do it.

Tenpence: Good to hear. Now that you know the overall situation, it's time to show you what we on the outside are facing. Come this way.

(They follow him again this time into the museum, up some stairs, down a hallway and up to a thick-looking metal wall with police loitering nearby)

Stan: Yow! Now that's what I'd call completely sealed-off.

Tenpence: There's several of these three-foot-thick metal walls between us and the hallway where the collection is. The only way to open them is by activating the release switch on this floor's security office, which happens to be two halls down on the other side.

Will: Well if it's a hole you need, then Mr. Lightsaber has you covered.

(Activates the lightsaber and moves to cut door)

Tenpence: Don't! We can't go pissing off the curators! Also, it's Insurance Black-Out Day and these walls are very, very expensive from what I've been told.

Sylvia: I still don't understand why that holiday exists to begin with.

Tenpence: We were hoping that your collective spiritual wisdom could help us with opening these doors.

Will: Unfortunately our "wisdom" only covers simple locks, but something this big is better handled by our weapons of choice.

Sara: How about other ways of getting in, officer? Like windows?

Tenpence: Naw. That section of the building is completely enclosed.

Sally: Ooh! Maybe there's a secret passage that leads to it and is opened by lifting something!

Stan: This isn't a spooky old castle, sis.

(Nearby a cop lights a cigarette)

Squishy: Excuse me, could you not smoke so close to us?

Cop: It's okay. There's a vent.

(Points to a grated airduct on the wall right beneath the ceiling)

Sara: An air vent?

Tenpence: Yeah. They heat up or cool every part of the museum. I know what you're thinking, and unfortunately we forgot to bring scouter droids, so there's no way for us to look inside for intel.

(A lightbulb pops up over Will's head)

Will: That shouldn't be a problem. Anyone here got a screwdriver?

All: Hm?

(Sometime later, we find Squishy crawling laboriously through a pitch black vent system)

Squishy: Brilliant idea, Will. Take the smallest person in the room and shove him into the air duct. Sure I'm small, but I'm also slightly chunky, have ya considered that? And they didn't even given me a flashlight. Well, it's supposed to be a straight shot, anyway. Just can't let my imagination run wild. Wait, that has to be it!

(A little light filters in, and Squishy makes it to a grate looking out over a semi-lit hallway)

Squishy: Great, it's sealed. And I'm too packed in to grab my lightsaber. Hmmmm. Maybe if I gnaw at the screws and loosen 'em up with my teeth, maybe add a little tongue and slather them—

(Suddenly something large slams into the grate, bending it inwards a harsh groan)

Squishy: GAH What The H**l Was That?! (The bent-in grating loosens and hangs by a screw before coming completely loose and falling to the floor with a clatter) Huh. Guess I didn't need to go oral after all.

(He moves forward and drops out from the confines of the vent, quietly landing on the floor of the Special Collections gallery. Next to him, slumped by the wall, is the person whose head broke the vent grating: a security guard completely knocked out. As Squishy carefully treads the dim hallway, he notes the silent mess of the place. All around are unconscious/dead guards on the floor and the litter of smashed display cases. Blood is streaked over a portion of the right wall in a messy line)

Squishy: This guy really did a number on the place… and the guards.

(As he approaches an intersection that's a bit more lit, a yelling guard flies past Squishy and hits the ground with a nasty crunch, falling silent. Pressing himself against a display case, Squishy looks at the crumpled form of the guard)

Squishy: Is this guy an ape or something?

(His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a man gagging. Cautiously he looks over to the other end of the hall and takes in the scene. A single overhanging lamp lights that section, swinging loosely and casting shifting shades of orange and shadow. Beneath the lamp, a tall person in black releases the guard they were choking with their left hand, dropping the guy on the floor where he lays still. Flexing his hand, the robber lowers their arm and begins raising the other one, which appears to be holding something. Squishy steps out into the hall to confront him)

Squishy: Hey you! Drop whatever you're holding and put your hands on your head! Your robbin' days are over.

(The criminal twirls the item before turning to face their captor. Squishy freezes and gasps. Ominous music plays as we behold a tall demonic-looking figure with long silvery hair, metal shoulder pads, a black leather suit with assorted buckles, long black boots, and a flowing black cape. The swinging light casts a shadow on the person's face that blots out everything but a soft smile. Slung over his right shoulder with his right hand is a katana measuring seven feet in length, held like it isn't ridiculously heavy. Squishy trembles at this startling sight)

Squishy: You-You-You're… But it can't...

(The demon of a man lowers his blade in Squishy's direction. The sight of the weapon kicks Squishy's instincts into gear and he draws his lightsaber with a hiss. The black-caped man rushes forward, covering half the hallway in a split-second. He swings his long blade down but Squishy backsteps to avoid its very wide arc. The man swings again, and again Squishy dodges, this time leaping into the air to deliver a vertical slash. However, the man swiftly brings up his sword to catch and completely halt the lightsaber)

(Thoughts)Squishy: What!? It didn't break?

(He is pushed back by the sword and lands and slides a bit before coming to a crouched stop. The man holds out his katana and makes a circle in the air with it as if to antagonize his opponent. Squishy gets up and runs at him again, jumping to attempt another cut, but the man ducks before leaping back to the wall at the end of the hall. Squishy runs at him again and jumps, but the man raises his free arm and back hands the Jawa with such force he's practically blasted through the air before crashing and obliterating a tall display case in the middle of the hall. From the rubble, Squishy sits up against the pain to watch the demon thief turn toward the wall and make a few diagonal slashes with his sword, blowing it open to let in the harsh glare of a Coruscant noon. The man slides his blade into a very long scabbard, then taking a moment to look back and smirk, he leaps out of the newly-formed hole and drops into the bustling cityscape below)

Squishy: (Dumbfounded) What was he?

(There's a beeping and he pulls out his comm)

Comm Will: Hey Squish, have you made it in yet? It's been ten minutes.

Squishy: Oh, Will, what perfect timing. Nice of you to check up on me after I got my a** handed to me by the robber.

Comm Will: Did you manage to stop them, though?

Squishy: You're so caring, you know that? No, he managed to get away. Cut his way through a wall with a sword.

Comm Will: A sword? Really?

Squishy: Yeah: A katana. A really big one.

Comm Will: Dern. That sounds like someone cosplaying some anime character. That could mean real trouble if those guys were back.

Squishy: Oh don't remind me. (Shudders)

Comm Will: Do you know what he took?

Squishy: Can't tell right away. All I'm seeing is a lot of collateral damage and unconscious, possibly dead guards. We'd have to look this place over to know what, if anything, is missing.

Comm Will: Copy that. Go override the security walls so we can regroup and get this squared away.

Squishy: Sure thing. Over.

(Turns off comm and gets up with a groan. He takes a moment to look at the hole the thief had made)

Squishy: Not my day. (Leaves)

(o/ Returners)

(Several hours later, we turn to the Republic Military Headquarters where something is going on. In a colossal briefing room, various military personnel and even local law enforcement are taking seats at different spots around the room while talking among themselves. At one seat, with feet planted unceremoniously over the table, Jedi Grand Master Joseph is absently picking his nose bored out of his mind when Will and Anna approach him, making him hurriedly sit up proper)

Jo: Whoa there, Will! Good to see you again. (Sticks out hand)

Will: I'm not touching that.

Anna: All of us are sitting over there, Jo.

Jo: We are? Huh, changing seats on me just when I was getting comfortable.

(They head over. At the other end of the room, Copeland and Sara are talking)

Cope: I still don't get why all of us have to be here. There was no indication that some serious galactic threat was in progress, and we would've felt it if it were so.

Sara: You would think.

(The other three Jedi join them as we turn to the back of the room, where the two Jaa-Ruuk kids are with their rob-enshrouded brother Richter)

Stan: Such a bummer we have this meeting happening, and right when you just got here, bro.

Sally: It's still a nice surprise for you to show up so soon after sending that message of yours.

Rick: I was pretty much halfway to here when I sent it. There honestly wasn't anything interesting happening elsewhere, so I thought I'd come rejoin you and say hi to Mom and Dad.

Stan: Is the loner lifestyle finally starting to lose that luster for you, ehhh?

Rick: Only for the time-being.

(Down in the center of the room, Admiral Ackbar the Mon Calamarian appears, followed closely by General Chris and their personal aids. At the sight of them, everyone in the room immediately takes a seat and quiets down. A podium rises out of the floor and Ackbar stops behind it, getting everyone's full attention)

Ackbar: Good day, everyone. I'm glad to see the vast amount of attendees for this abrupt meeting. And I'm especially glad that all the Jedi are accounted for as well.

Jo: What is it this time, sir?

Ackbar: I know this meeting came up rather unexpectedly and ruined your other plans for today, but understand that the matter I am about to discuss is of great importance.

Jo: Uh-huh, and that matter would be?

Ackbar: If you can hold your questions I will get to that.

Chris: In other words, Shaddup! (Quiet)

Ackbar: Thank you. Dim the lights.

(The lights go out and a holographic projection comes on)

Ackbar: Over the past few days, there has been a string of robberies relating to antiquities around the galaxy. Single sheets of ancient documents have been stolen from museums and protected archives on the planets of Corellia, Bakura, Kuat, and Ralltiir. Just today, a document was taken from the Jedi Temple Restricted Archives here on Coruscant, followed shortly by the theft of a weapon from the history museum. As it so happens, there's an unsettling connection between these robberies. Namely, the items that had been stolen have the same general age, being somewhere in the tens of thousands of years. After further deliberations, we have deemed that these thefts are signs of a new threat to Republic security being on the rise.

Cope: How does stolen text signify a threat to galactic security?

Ackbar: We believe they could be associated with some zealous, potentially radical cult.

Chris: And we're not talking about the wimpy anime-based cults; we mean the totally nutty kind that makes Las Plagas.

Alfred Ashford: Ohhh those Plagas are absolutely dreadful! They get all over the place and oooooh the juices they spread and spray on you as they slide up and down your throat, it's absolutely appalling, mmm yes.

(Does totally flamboyant laugh. Chris draws blaster pistol and shoots him in the face)

Chris: Did I even mention your game? And get some therapy ya sister-lovin', cross-dressing freak!

Will: So wait, you've assembled all military and security forces in the galaxy because you think a cult is starting up?

Tech. Off: Cults are unpredictable, Jedi Master William. Their guiding principles are often obscure and may give rise to radical ideals, which in turn could be carried out by especially zealous, unhinged persons, resulting in terrorism and even war. Some may even wish to overthrow a government system, plunging that society into total chaos.

Ackbar: Against such terrible outcomes, we wish to take a preventative approach to stymie any potential hostile uprisings.

Squishy: Isn't that a little extreme? You aren't even sure if it's really a cult, or if it's even hostile.

Ackbar: You should have no doubt over the latter concern based on your report, Master Squishy. As for the former… we've gotten to the point where we just can't leave things up to chance. Far too many times we ignored the little signs, and the things that transpired as a result: the takeover by the Cosplayer Consortium, the siege on my home planet, the assassination of the Nerd Council, the Financer's campaign of devastation, the Draconian Incident. I simply wish to take action before anything even develops, so that another catastrophe doesn't occur.

Sylvia: We understand, Admiral. You want us to break up this cult before they can do anything.

Will: That's fine by us.

Sara: Yeah. From what I know, cults are just nerds that can fight back.

Rick: And who doesn't want a challenge?

Ackbar: I'm grateful for your understanding, and I apologize for bringing up those unpleasant examples. I just wanted to make it clear how seriously I'm taking this matter, but I forget you heroes need little convincing when it comes to disbanding evil forces.

Jo: You're darn right about that.

Sylvia: Do you have any leads as to where we can begin investigating?

Ackbar: We do, actually. Tech Officer?

Tech Off: Sometime after the museum robbery, a black-caped man broke into a private launching field and took out several security personnel before boarding a two-man shuttle and leaving the planet. Black feathers were found littered about the site, apparently the calling card for this cult.

Will: Or he had a pet raven on him.

Tech Off: Either way, the suspect spent ample time in orbit before making the jump to hyperspace, allowing us to calculate his destination rather easily. And that destination happens to be... (A barren mountain planet pops up) Korriban.

Anna: Again?!

Ackbar: Korriban would make an ideal base of operations for any cult, since it already has much in the way of spiritual significance of the violent variety. Jedi, can we count on you once again?

Jedi: A-okay, guy!

Ackbar: Perfect. And this time you will have full responsive military backing. Should you need assistance at anytime, just call headquarters and I'll have a fleet of ships sent there straightaway.

Sara: Gee Admiral, you're really more invested this time around.

Ackbar: I'm feeling especially wound up after so many years acting the level-headed, wise military figure. I still got some spunk in these gills and this seems just the right opportunity to get gung-ho. Am I right, men?

Room: Hoo-Raah!

Chris: Heh, spunk indeed.

Ackbar: Now everyone, back to your posts. Jedi, get to the Century Sparrow and make for Korriban on the double!

Cope: Always that hunk of junk...

Sally: Yay! Our first big outing since the last trilogy!

Rick: And hopefully we don't get dropped out of existence for this one.

All: Hahahahahahahaha!

Stan: But seriously, that was frightening as h*** and I never want that to ever happen to us again.

Sally: Definitely...

(End meeting)

Steve Warz

Magical Mystery Space

Reunion Tour!

(The eclair-shaped Century Sparrow glides through space to an invigorating beat like a cross-country road trip. Onboard)

Sally: Here we are again, together and sailing for another space adventure!

Sara: Meaning we have free reign to act all silly and put aside dull "real life" affairs for a couple of days.

Cope: I'll admit that is a welcome, albeit short-lived change.

Anna: You complain about the same amount either on or off assignment, so that's somewhat surprising to hear.

Jo: At least I'll be able to shine my sexy self while saving the galaxy again.

Will: With all that hair of yours you can't even glimmer.

Jo: Says the lumberjack.

Sara: The super hunky all-natural lumberjack!

Rick: Ah yes: the usual back-and-forths. Very nostalgic.

(Meanwhile, sitting on a chair and leaning against the viewscreen is a glum-looking Squishy)

Sylvia: Squishy, why are you looking glum?

Squishy: Huh? Oh, I'm just giving my brain a rest. Get it fresh for when there's things to do.

Sylvia: Okay then. It's just you looked like you had something on your mind.

Squishy: No; just in-transit fuzziness. I appreciate you checking, still. Sorry to worry you.

Sylvia: That's alright. I'll check on you later.

(She leaves him to his thoughts. But unbeknownst to her, his wandering thoughts are actually focused on a troubling concern)

The black-caped man… Is it really going to happen?

Cope: We're approaching Korriban and preparing for planetary entry. Look sharp, people!

Jo: That's my line!

(The ominous sounds of "The Great North Cave" play as the ship arrives at the barren, rugged planet and penetrate its atmosphere. Once within Korriban airspace, the Sparrow glides over desolate rocky plains and mountain ranges searching for any indication of where the criminal could have gone. During their search, the craft passes the rim of the great crater which had been the site of their last battle, now holding an even smaller crater that had once been the Financer's tower. Soon)

Anna: Found it: Right in the middle of that empty plain.

(The ship descends for a closer look and happens upon an ancient temple ruin)

Will: The guy's escape ship is parked right next to it. Heh, the dumb-a** left his emergency blinkers on.

Sara: Why would he go for ruins that were out in the open? Surely he could've gone for one carved into the mountains and hid there.

Rick: Considering how much featureless surface there is, something this small could be overlooked. Chances are good that the cult leaders were betting on that.

Anna: A forgotten Sith temple would make for a good cult gathering spot, though I don't remember one like this.

Jo: In any case, there's a crook in there waiting for some punishment. Land this thing so we can head in and bust some overconfident wannabe cultists.

(To "Cry Of The Planet", the ship lands right in front of the temple's crumbled entrance. Minutes later, the group as one carefully go down an unusually clutter-free hallway lined with pillars that for the most part are standing straight and glistening beneath overhead crystal lights)

Anna: Ahhh, to be back in the halls of my evil predecessors. Such soothingly sublime remnants of devilry long past. What fond memories come to greet me after so long.

Sally: It's pretty clean for something ancient and forgotten. And also pretty well-lit.

Stan: Not so much ruins as it is dilapidated.

Anna: Since you mention it, it is freakishly tidy compared to the other temples I've been to.

Rick: It's obvious someone has been keeping house here.

Jo: More proof that this could be the cultist safehouse.

(The group continues on in silence. A moment later Squishy, who's at the head of the group, steps onto a small foot-sized pressure plate and at the other end of the procession a trap door opens and Stan falls through without time to yell)

Will: Did you guys just hear something?

Jo: Probably a rat.

(He steps on a pressure plate and a section of floor rises up into the ceiling with Cope on it)

Sara: That must've been a heavy rat.

(Another pressure plate and a wooden cage forms up around Anna)

Anna: What the—!?

(The cage carts her off away from the rest)

Sally: Now a rat that talks?

Jo: Must be residual Dark Side energies screwing with the wildlife. Yo Anna, just what kind of…? (Turns to find her missing) Anna? Alex?

Sylvia: She's not there? Wait, where's Stanley?

Rick: Something had to have grabbed them.

Jo: (Wearing dusty fedora) Yeah, or this whole hallway could be loaded with traps. Keep an eye out, all of you.

(Puts a hand on the nearest pillar, which happens to be another pressure plate. Suddenly a net falls from above and lands on Sally before pulling up with her caught in it)

Sally: Aiiiee! (Disappears)

Rick: What the h**l!?

Sylvia: Sally!

Jo: Okay okay, that was close.

Sylvia: What do you mean "that was close"? We just lost my daughter!

Sara: Yeah Jo; that's nothing to be relieved about!

Will: Squishy, yell at Jo about something; your silence is freaking me out.

Squishy: I'm trying to deal with this situation calmly!

Jo: Okay enough already! These cultists are craftier than we gave them credit for, but we need to keep going. We can't let the others' sacrifices be in vain.

Sylvia: How would you even know they're dead?

Jo: I didn't say they, graah! Look, let's just forward, but carefully, by which I mean don't touch anything. No loose stones, no pillars, nothing. Got it? (They all nod) Okay, then let's continue.

(The remaining party tip-toe forward. We get a shot of Squishy still leading the way, followed by Sylvia and the others real quietly. As Jo passes by a section of wall, it lowers to reveal an infrared beam emitter which he walks past, causing an alarm to go off)

Jo: Squishy!

Squishy: (Wearing baseball hat with squinty eyes) But I do no-theeng Joey! I touch no-theeng!

Rick: A sensor must've been tripped!

Alarm: Intruder Alert, Intruder Alert. Beginning Trap Bonanza.

(A section of wall shoots out and runs Rick into the other side of the hall)

Sara: Oh no, we lost Rick!

(She then notices the floor beneath her shudder right before a spring pops out, launching her back down the hall)

Sara: Eeeeeeeeeee!

Will: Sara!

(A comically elongated hooked cane appears and snags him by the neck, yanking him off to the side)

Jo: Hold your ground! None of you move an inch, and keep an eye out for whatever comes next!

(His focus redirects to a revealed side hallway, where a bottle of hair product awaits atop a distant pedestal)

Jo: Gasp! Suave Men's 2-in-1 Shampoo! Gimme that!

(Frolics into the hall after the shampoo, which then seals up. Now on their own, Squishy and Sylvia take to fleeing down the corridor to escape a series of spears, air darts and spikes coming out of every surface, and even when those cease they still run, the fate of their other friends fresh in their minds. After some yards, a huge rock wall drops into the hall between the couple, leaving Squishy running unawares of what just happened. After some seconds he comes to a stop to catch his breath, then looks around only to find total emptiness)

Squishy: Sylvia?

(Another rock wall slams down in front of his face with a resounding thud, startling him. When all is quiet, Squishy is alerted by the soft padding of feet and immediately whirls around. About ten feet from him stands the black leather-clad thief, with that ludicrous sword, flowing hair, and taunting smile. FFVII Boss Music plays as the villain swings his sword into duel position and Squishy does the same with his lightsaber. But the thief hovers off the ground and floats backwards further into the corridor, and Squishy, temporarily caught off guard by this, gives chase. The black-clad foe keeps floating back in a sine motion, but rises high up and, brandishing his blade, he concentrates energy at its tip and swings it, producing an energy ball that Squishy sidesteps. Suddenly everything turns into a game of World Runner as Squishy side strafes, runs, and even jumps over black sections of the floor that are supposed to represent pits. Eventually everything reverts to realistic 3-D and the demon thief lands and stops, allowing Squishy to catch up to begin a traditional FF battle. Squishy does an attack while DT [Demon Thief] casts Fire2. Squishy tries Silence but it's Ineffective. DT does Trine and Squishy uses a Potion, then selects Grenade and tosses one. DT ten uses 3xSlash to damage Squishy beautifully, but also puts him into Limit Break. Squishy takes advantage of this and unleashes Stellar Cringe, which is an attack that fuses the powers of the cosmos into a blunt groin shot. DT stumbles and loses his smile, but regains his stance and builds energy within himself to regain health. The music suddenly switches to the rockified Black Mages version)

Squishy: Huh?

(His foe is momentarily distracted, DT reaches out and throws a switch, activating a trap door that opens beneath Squishy and sends him falling with a yell. The music stops and we turn to a cloaked someone rolling out of a vent and into a wall, falling into a small pile of rubble. Getting up into a hunched position, Rick coughs up the dust pile he fell atop of)

Rick: (Koff) Talk about rough.

Anna: It's Rick this time.

Rick: Huh?

(He looks around and spots the Jedi sitting and standing in the center of the darkened room, with Jo rubbing a bottle of shampoo against his cheek lovingly. Anna, all lax and sitting, gives a lazy wave)

Anna: Over here, man.

(He joins them)

Rick: What's going on exactly? Where are we?

Anna: My guess is that this is the trash room.

Will: And fortunately it doesn't appear to be the compacting type.

Rick: Will? Weren't you with Mom and Dad… and why's Jo here as well?

Will: I got yanked down here, and Sara dropped in.

Stan: And Anna was here when I fell in, even though I was the first one to get caught.

Sara: Guess each trap had different routes for getting here for whatever reason.

Cope: We still managed to get captured regardless, meaning these cultists are extremely crafty.

Sally: And also clairvoyant, seeing they baited Jo down here with his exact favorite brand.

Jo: Oh sweet sweet silky revitalizing formula, always there to give my locks that extra boost. Hug hug hug .

Cope: As you can see, he's voluntarily incapacitated.

Rick: What about Mom and Dad?

Will: Squishy and Sylvia aren't here, so they must've eluded capture.

Cope: Or got captured by some other means.

Rick: So where does that leave us?

Cope: Helpless.

Rick: What?!

Cope: We've already looked around and there are no exits, so don't get all riled about it.

Stan: We can still try to think up something, though. Find another way to get back up there with Mom and Dad—

Jo: (Serious) No, I say we just sit on it. Have them break us out. Squishy's pretty experienced at that.

Sara: Really, Jo? You as the "leader" should be trying everything imaginable to get back into the action!

Anna: And quit fondling that shampoo bottle. It's creepy… and makes you look like a total knob.

Jo: Just think about it, fellas: All we would accomplish is tiring ourselves out. We should just stay put and recuperate, both physically and strategically.

(As he's rubbing the shampoo bottle, its front label comes off)

Jo: Heeey wait a minute, this isn't Suave for Men. It's a blue-tinted Alberto Vo5. (Springs up) We're busting out of here. (Walks from group)

Stan: Huh? What about recuperating and strategy—?

Jo: My follicles are picking up a faint cool breeze. There's a cracked section of wall over there, come on! (Goes to side of room with a commanding stride)

Stan: …I thought he made his hair incapable of feeling things.

(Will shrugs. Meanwhile, Jo stops before a wall and withdraws his lightsaber, then proceeds to slash an X that makes the wall crumble. Everyone gathers round and looks into the hole to find the sloping bottom of a round vertical shaft, with a smooth inner lining and seemingly no end)

Jo: This may take a while…

---

He feels groggy upon opening his eyes. He doesn't recall when and how he lost consciousness; all he can remember was falling abruptly. A shallow yet discernible light enters his sockets, from a source surrounded by darkness.

Squishy: Huh….. wuh…?

(He then realizes he's standing on both his feet, and proceeds to lift them)

?: Do not bother trying to walk. The boots you are wearing are solid iron, and you happen to be standing on a plate that's emitting a strong magnetic field. The clothes you are wearing have Force-sealing ysalamiri fibers interwoven into the fabric. In other words, you're stuck there.

(Tugging his legs to test that claim and finding it true, Squishy moves his head and torso to see the aforementioned Force-inhibiting clothes. To his surprise his robes are covered in a drab purple set of shirt and pants, then noticing a weight atop his head, reaches up to feel that a spiky blonde wig has been affixed to his hood)

Squishy: What the..?

?: "You're wondering who I am."

Squishy: Huh?

?: "Machine or mannequin?"

"I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control."

(Squishy looks forward as the voice continues to speak and sees a circle of white light on the floor surrounded by evenly spaced pillars. About 1/3 of the way up toward the light in the ceiling projecting this circle, a catwalk encircles the metallic pillars, and the Demon Thief walks slowly up to the railing overlooking the circle and places his arms on it, looking down directly at Squishy while continuing calmly)

DT: "Who hides behind a mask/so no one else can see/my true identity." You sang that song for a straight week, at any given opportunity, even when it became unbearable for everyone else. It's why I still remember those words after so many years.

Squishy: You mean "Mr. Roboto"? How would you know that?

DT: Those were indeed simpler times, when you could lose yourself in a mild obsession for a brief period without a care in the world. Something no one ever considered was how someone's livelihood, much like your momentarily favorite song, could just slip away unexpectedly and be as readily forgotten. And often without anyone's notice. (Clenches fists on railing)

Squishy: Who are you?

DT: Still haven't recognized my voice? Well, it has been a long time; guess there's no point carrying on this charade. Alright: The time has come at last, (Grabs face in a tight grip) to throw away this mask.

(Pulls and there's an awful tearing of synthetic rubber that echoes through the massive chamber. Squishy's eyes enlarge and his mouth sputters, stunned by the sight of the revealed person, who has also taken off his thick black outfit and wig of silvery hair. The person Squishy now sees isn't fear-inducing in the slightest: Average height, simple beige clothes, short hair and Latino complexion. However, the fact this person is there is precisely why he's reacting this way, much to the man's menacing, grinning delight. In truth, ladies and gentlemen, the individual is none other than—!)

DunDunDun-Dun Dun-DunDun DunDun DunDun DunDunDunDunDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNN!

Squishy: Jared..?

o/ The Nightmare Begins

Jared: Ah, good: you remember my face at least. That's something of a relief, knowing I haven't been completely forgotten by one of my old friends. Unlike with the rest of the galaxy.

Squishy: But, but weren't you—?

Jared: Dead? Deceased? Returned to dust? Gone to my ancestors? Well, you were all wrong, as it so happens. There are certain processes of life you people still don't know about, and never really looked into. Particularly the ones concerning extras.

Squishy: Huh?

Jared: My disappearance wasn't due to some accident. At the start of the third trilogy I was plucked from the fabric of existence and thrown into a storage bin of sorts. It turns out I wasn't needed for that trilogy, nor any of the other ones that followed. There was no place for me in your future adventures, so I was in some dark place as a back-up of sorts. Completely cut off from everyone in the universe, who I would come to learn never really cared about me.

Squishy: But Jared, when you went missing we kept wondering what happened to you—

Jared: Precisely: you "wondered". Not "searched for", or "worried about", or even "questioned". Just a momentary thought was all anyone gave to my absence and nothing else, unlike with you. Oh yes, how everybody scrambled to bring you back the moment you disappeared. You were supposed to be the comic relief. Since when do comic reliefs get an entire trilogy devoted to their rescue, and one featuring some authentic character development throughout the cast?

Squishy: Jared, we didn't know what happened to you and it really wasn't a concern—

Jared: Oh I know exactly what happened to me, and it was all very concerning to myself. The things I had been subjected to. Do you want to know what happened to me? I was used as a puppet. You see, when I said back-up earlier, I actually meant extra parts, as in content that could be reused in the story. I was brought back into the story for a little bit, but not as Jared. My body was used to make the character Alexander. Though he was an entirely different person than myself, a part of me was still semi-conscious within him. I faintly recall moments of confusion, emotional duress, pain, and even death. But it wasn't over then. Although you had defeated Alexander, you only ousted his spirit. His body was still intact, along with its former occupant. When you delivered that final blow you sent my body right to Coruscant, and it was there that I regained myself.

However, the shock of reclaiming my body after so long left my mind in tatters and ill-fit for comprehension. For days I wandered aimlessly, practically blind, never stopping to rest. I soon began to see garbage, piles of it, along with derelict buildings and broken ferrocrete. But then, by some miracle, my mind began reassembling itself. Painfully, piece by piece, my memory came together. I remembered my name, who I was, the kind of life I had lived… and the "friends" who had left me behind. Then I recalled the endless days of lonely darkness, my very limbs moving out of my control, yet my thoughts kept going back to the ones who left me in such a wretched state. Clarity formed within my shattered psyche, as did a growing, seething desire.

At some point, I had stumbled upon a gathering of hobos, possibly a commune. Seeing this shambling husk of a man, one of them stepped forth asking if I were alright, a half-eaten bowl of some back alley gumbo in hand. That bristly pointed chin of his, the missing ear, that threadbare cap, and those crooked, smelly teeth. Heh, oh how quickly those eyes of his shrank the moment he saw the look I was giving him. All those… people, outcasts of society, by all rights forgotten by the universe. Living together, supporting one another, showing concern for a complete stranger. What immediately followed was a blur. A red blur.

When I came to, I was standing in a pool of blood, severed limbs and tattered clothes strewn all over the place. I still recall how the spots between my fingers were all gummy and wet from whatever sap's viscera I yanked out. Sometimes I wonder if any of them had a chance to scream or beg before I ended them. In any case, I felt like a million bucks all the same.

Squishy: Dude...

Jared: In fact, I felt more alive then ever. I knew right then and there what my fresh lease on life was to be devoted to: Revenge. I immediately made my way to the surface, got cleaned up, grabbed some clothes and a hefty sum of credits and even acquired a ship, thanks the handy Force powers I was steadily reacquainting myself with. Not that I really needed them, to be honest; after so many years, security on the capital is still laughable.

Refreshed and well-equipped, I began my search for the perfect way to achieve my new calling. I immediately scratched out weapons of planetary destruction like the Death Star and Sun Crusher. They were mercifully quick and painless. I wanted something to make people suffer slowly, but wouldn't skimp on the devastation factor. During the past year I went from planet to planet, sneaking into archives and scouring them for something of the most malicious sort, until finally coming upon the very thing I had in mind. It was tucked in some dank murky corner of some third rate Raltiirian library, a single sheet of moldy paper that wasn't even covered in protective plastic. But the text on both sides of it, hardly faded and amazingly crisp, was what caught my eye. Written in an ancient form of Basic, it told of a great civilization that flourished as the rulers of the galaxy thanks to the harnessed power of a merciless god. I pocketed the sheet and left the library and the planet unnoticed thanks to some Mind Trickery. I decided to revisit the museums and archives I had been too previously, this time in search of clues regarding this powerful civilization.

Eventually I found another similarly moldy sheet, but this one told of an even earlier civilization, whose power matched that of the one I read about, and also spoke of a ritual that summoned the very essence of dominion. The search continued. At the end of this archaeological treasure hunt I had in hand five sheets of moldy paper, each of them recounting a great power achieved through a special ritual. I pored over those sheets to figure out exactly what that ritual was. It took many sleepless nights, but eventually I figured it out. The ritual was a ceremony to call forth a deity that would carry out the summoner's desires. A deity that brought prosperity to whatever civilization called it, as well as untold despair upon that civilization's enemies. This powerful being in question, whose ownership spells absolute rule over the very stars themselves, is none other than the infamous, all-powerful...

Sephiroth

Jared: That was their secret: Each of those civilizations had found a means to bring a devastating video game icon into our reality, and even knew how to control him as well. Imagine: Sephiroth, the supreme RPG powerhouse, in the palm of my hand and obeying every one of my commands. He could wipe out entire systems and bring unimaginable suffering to those who have wronged me, if I so desire. Complete control over a living god of destruction; it's the most fulfilling way to exact my revenge. Don't you agree, Squishy?

Squishy: Jared… you have gone completely Sith….. and totally bat-s**t.

Jared: Well, years of solitary confinement can do that to a person. Though I'll have you know that I'm not following some outdated Sith code. I'm doing things my way; no evil spirits or dark teachings are telling me how to do this. Which brings me to the most devious part of my plot.

Squishy: Eh?

Jared: As I mentioned, there is a ritual involved in the summoning. A sacrifice is needed to summon Sephiroth, but it's staged like a reenactment. We'll touch more on that in a moment. Along with the sacrifice, documents from the previous civilization are needed to form the portal to the other dimension, which I have already placed up there on the ceiling around the light source.

(Points straight up, where we see five moldy sheets of paper stuck in a circle around the light)

Jared: With the portal in place, a key is needed to open it, and it just so happens to be this. (He reaches behind and silently draws the seven-foot long sword from before. He holds it up before his face so that the light gleams off it in a sharp glow) Look familiar? Believe it or not, Squishy, this sword is none other than the legendary Masamune: Sephiroth's trusty blade of mass carnage. It seems that with the passing of each empire, he leaves his keepsake behind so that the next civilization can summon him. This sword is the only relic capable of opening a passage to Sephiroth's realm, but making the connection won't be enough. Being as important and omnipotent as he is, ol' Sephy needs to be enticed into coming into our dimension. And that's where the sacrifice comes into play. (He smiles and a vicious gleam reflects off his eye)

The sacrifice requires two people to represent both sexes, and they must exhibit a special, outstanding quality. What quality is that? More on that later; first, there was the matter of acquiring these subjects. Korriban is pretty devoid of candidates of any sort, so how do I get some here? I decided on using the old hook, line and sinker tactic. After setting up the ritual sans sacrificees, I returned to the planets where I got the documents and dispelled my Mind Trickery, making the public and authorities aware of the missing documents, even though they had been gone for months. A connection between these robberies would quickly form, and by adding a well-timed museum heist to retrieve the Masamune, the military heads would immediately conclude that some cultist sect was in the making. That's the hook.

Squishy: So that was you in the museum. But, I didn't feel a Force presence. Could you really have...

Jared: The military, ever reluctant to flex their might in peacetime, would once again send out their go-to task force, ie the Jedi, to quell this apparent cult. The line was made by the trail I left behind on my way back to Korriban. You guys would then follow the hyperspace vector to the planet, find the most obvious hideout and investigate. And in doing so you become ensnared and separated within these musty halls. And that there's the sinker.

But we're not done yet. While the majority of the group is put away in the same room, two of the party are brought to the designated summoning chamber, for they hold the quality needed to perform a successful ritual. That thing that makes for such irresistible bait is none other than life's fondest emotion: (zoom) Love.

Squishy:!

Jared: Ha ha ha. You can see where this is going, right? Two people, utterly in love with one another, are like a roaring flame crying to be snuffed out by one as evil and remorseless as Sephiroth. Drawn by such a beacon, the One-Winged Angel would descend into our realm to sever this heartfelt connection in one fatal swoop. Thus the death of Aeris Gainsborough will have been reenacted perfectly, and Sephiroth will be bound to do his summoner's bidding. Unlimited, unrestricted control of a god in exchange for the life of one loving soul makes for a pretty sweet trade, I say.

Squishy: (Tremble tremble tremble)

Jared: But why you specifically, you may ask. Surely Will and Sara would've been just as suitable, even more so because they're human. Or heck, even Anna and Alex.

But none of them have a history quite like yours. In the midst of my research on how to exact vengeful doom I also got myself up to date on everything that had happened in my absence. I looked over the major events, laughed sardonically at some parts, but I happened to notice a pattern. Specifically, every fourth trilogy was marked by a significant event that would leave a lasting impression on future trilogies to come. For the first three trilogies, it was mostly random nonsense with barely any plot. Then bam!: Trilogy Four rolls around and we're introduced to Sylvia, the love interest of the main character. Suddenly the trilogies become more character-focused, and get even longer. Further down the road comes the eighth trilogy, the Great Calamity, brought on by malice-driven Financer. It is the single most devastating and tragic moment experienced by the heroes, and it was where the power of the main character's emotions are brought out full force. The trilogies that came after touched on deeper emotions and (mostly) involved grander adventures. The random element that was so prevalent in the original three trilogies is practically nonexistent by that point.

Heh heh heh heh… now, it's worth noting, that in those key trilogies, such changes were brought about after the main character experienced a moment of great distress. The kidnapping of his love, the loss of everyone and everything he held dear. All happened every fourth trilogy, and now we've come to trilogy twelve. So imagine, if you will… the kinds of changes that will come about when you lose the one thing you managed to keep alive all these years! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Squishy: Jared you're flippin'—!

Jared: NO TALKING! The only thing I want to hear out of that sandpapery mouth of yours are the cries of anguish and despair over the life that's about to be torn asunder, by which I mean yours! You got to live the good life, get the recognition, all while I was wasting away in some pocket of darkness, completely forgotten, all because of you! It's all because of You I never got the chance to live an enriching life like everyone else! No character development for Jared; no awesome, memorable solo action scenes. I was just a passing novelty; an extra that fulfilled his purpose. But no more. I have a new purpose, a chance to settle the score. I'll make everyone in this d*** galaxy pay dearly, especially you, Squishy. Oh yes, you will pay dearest of all. Even after your precious wife dies before your eyes at the hands of Sephiroth, you will remain in that spot and watch as I set this universe ablaze and build my new kingdom.

I'll turn you into an immortal living statue of suffering. My throne will be atop the heavens, above all creation, and Sephiroth will serve as my messenger, oracle, and executor of my savage will. My reign shall be everlasting, for with Death at my side, I Shan't Fear Him!

Squishy: Why, that's just, just…. This is madness!

Jared: Ha! This isn't madness you stunted rat!

This!

Is!

JARTA!

Squishy: (Thoughts) Oh funk on me he's completely lost it…

Jared: But enough rambling! Can't let myself celebrate too early; I still need to carry out the ritual. Arise, O Unwilling Sacrifice!

(He throws out a palm and a hole opens in the center of the lit floor space. There's a whirring of machinery, and lifting up into the room comes Sylvia in a hunched praying position being held in place by several metal wires attached to the platform, dressed up in a ridiculous and hardly-fitting Aeris cosplay outfit, looking scared and confused)

Squishy: Sylvia!

Sylvia: Squishy? What's going on? I can't break free, and I don't know why I'm wearing this!

Jared: Hem. Those wires also contain ysalamiri fibers, thereby keeping her fixed in the ideal sacrificial posture. I must say you guys do make a cute and passable Cloud and Aeris, and the costumes do a good job covering up your physical shortcomings.

Sylvia: Squishy, who's that talking? What does he mean by sacrificial posture?

Squishy: It's nothing Sylvia; stay calm and don't listen to him!

Jared: Ah yeah, it's all here: The hapless, helpless hero and the kind heroine (un)ready for death. It's all so perfect. So frackin' perfect! Muahahahaha!

Sylvia: Death?! What's he going to do, Squishy?

Squishy: Don't be scared Sylvia—

Jared: Be scared! Be very scared!

Sylvia: Aaaaah!

(o/ The Makou Cannon is Fired)

Jared: At long last, the time has come! The Transition of Power shall happen once again, with me at the helm! Witness the beginning of a new era of suffering for you a**holes! (Whips out Masamune)

Sylvia: Squishy, help!

Jared: (Brings up sword to face) Oh Son of The Great Calamity, heed my voice. With Steel in hand, I beseech thee to accept this offering, and Make Yourself Known!

(o/ Jenova Absolute)

(With a mighty thrust he tosses the sword at the ceiling to the spot surrounded by the document sheets. The tip of it hits and sinks into the ceiling, and from the impact point the light ripples and expands, giving it a watery quality. Beams of light shoot in all directions from it and the pool of light begins to take on a light greenish tint. The documents crackle with electricity that travels over the light and intersects, creating a static burst that produces more dazzling energy. Suddenly it all settles down and focuses in the middle, radiating more and more until finally something large and clad in black drops out of it, with Masamune gripped and primed. The mighty specter draws ever nearer and nearer downward—

The soft fluttering of leather….

The blackness of a descending shadow….

Sword raised high….

Silver hair,

Draped in black,

Yet a face cold and heartless.

It's exactly like my dream.

A vision.

But it's happening.

I didn't know.

Can't do anything

But why is this happening?

Did I really deserve this?

She did nothing!

I'm the one

He can't do this

He just can't!

*SPRECK*

NOO!

(Cold silence. A thrust. The wires tear away, allowing Sylvia's body to straighten with shock. Mouth agape. Eyes wide with shock. Breathless. Then her eyes roll up to see the length of the seven-foot katana hovering over her head, with a brown hair wig skewered on the sharp end. Standing directly behind her stands the omnipotent, powerful, and wickedly-dressed former SOLDIER, the one called Sephiroth. His slick silvery hairstyle, unaffected by any gust, remains as motionless as his face as he holds his blade with dead calmness a mere inch above Sylvia's skull. However, a look of mild annoyance arises as he pulls back his sword to look at the ridiculous prop he chose to stab instead of a meaty Ssi-Ruu head)

Sephiroth: What is this?

(Finding her legs again, Sylvia gets up and runs over to Squishy, overcome with a mixture of relief and exasperation)

Squishy: Are you okay, Sylvia? Did he hurt you at all?

Sylvia: No he didn't, but I'm not okay either. Why are you just standing there like that?

Squishy: I'm being held down by a magnetic plate, dear. If you can just get this costume off of me, as well as the wig, that'd be great.

Jared: Wha wha wha... What The H**l Is This?! Why Didn't You Kill Her!

(Sephiroth looks up at him as the documents detach from the ceiling and float lazily downward)

Sephiroth: Were you the one that summoned me? Why have you offered me a beast instead of a fair maiden? Such a lowly creature isn't worthy of so graceful a death.

Jared: W-What difference does it make: She's still the freakin' sacrifice! You were supposed to take her life and become my servant! Follow the freakin' program already!

Sephiroth: Me? Your servant? Hmph, never. No mortal can control me, and screaming about it won't change that.

Jared: Huh? Hold on, the ancient scriptures said that if you take the sacrifice, the summoner has complete control over your power and actions. It's been done repeatedly and what I did here is no different from what's been done before. Everything was flawless!

(As he's talking, one of the sheets floats down in front of Sephiroth, who immediately snatches it in a blink. He brings it before his eyes and skims it, then gives the first glimmer of amusement)

Sephiroth: Ah, now I remember. Civilizations vast and prosperous which were made so by harnessing the might of a god. Tell me, if these civilizations were so great and powerful, then why are these lone scraps of paper the only trace of their existence, instead of statues or ruined cities?

Jared: (Caught off guard) Uh er I… how would you kn—

Sephiroth: I will tell you why these are all that remains of them. It's because, (He flings away the paper, then in a flurry of slices too quick for the human eye, all the ancient papers are shredded into moldy confetti) I destroyed them all.

Jared: What?!

Sephiroth: Thousands upon thousands of years ago, a lonely and eccentric scholar had found a way to interlink his and my dimensions together, and performed the first recorded summoning of an other-dimensional deity. However, upon arriving in this new universe, I spread word of Jenova by annihilating every society and sentient race I could find. With planets in ruin and purged of functioning civilizations, I returned to my own dimension. A few thousand years later I was summoned again, this time by a royal assemblage seeking to rule over a galaxy more populated and advanced than the one I had been in only millennia before. After annihilating this latest batch of presumptuous societies, I then wondered why I had been summoned back a second time to the same foreign universe. Returning to the ruins of the palace I had arrived in, I came across a single sheet of parchment that had miraculously survived my initial onslaught.

Apparently a piece of that scholar's notes had survived my first visit, having been buried in the ruins of that man's study and only recently excavated by this new kingdom. It contained the precise instructions for the summoning ritual and nothing more, which included the involvement of a replica sword that was also overlooked in my previous visit.

This oversight on my part allowed me to be brought back to this more revitalized galaxy, one that had rebuilt itself only to be leveled once more by my power. The first time I had been summoned was a refreshing change of pace for me, as I was granted a multitude of planets to raze instead of just the one in my home dimension. It was even more refreshing the second time around. And I could only imagine how stimulating a third, or even fourth visit could be.

That's when I decided to make this galaxy my new getaway spot for relieving tension for ages to come. Before returning home, I wrote a document describing how immeasurably wondrous the civilization had been and hinted the existence of instructions for attaining similar glory. I scattered this record and the instructions, along with the replica sword, across the stars so that it would be thousands of years before some fool would find them and decide to summon me again. By then, the galaxy would be repopulated and ripe for the harvest.

Three times I had been brought to commit galactic genocide, each one greater and more satisfying than the last. And after each visit, I made a new set of instructions to further lengthen the time between summonings, so as to allow my crop to expand and multiply.

And now, once again, I re-enter this galaxy, and I can already sense it's the largest and most advanced iteration thus far. Reducing it to ash will be the most satisfying yet.

Jared: Hold on, you're telling me I've been duped into bringing you here just so you can go on a relaxing killing spree? No! This is my galaxy to ruin, and I'll be d***ed if I'm gonna let some fifth gen edgelord deny me my retribution!

Sephiroth: Oh, and it should be noted that right after I kill the sacrifice, I typically go for my summoner next.

Jared: Eeyaae!

(Right on cue the rest of the Jedi rush onto the scene near Squish and Sylv)

Sara: Thank god we finally found you!

Sylvia: Where were you all?

Rick: In a cellar of sorts, but we climbed out and followed the corridor straight here.

Stan: It was way deep down so that's why we might've taken so long…. Uh, Mom, Dad, what are you wearing?

Jo: Uh, I think we walked into the middle of something kinky.

Cope: Get your head out of the gutter, Jo! But seriously Squishy, why are you dressed up like Cloud?

Squishy: It's part of some convoluted and—as it so happens—really stupid ritual. Right now I'm trying to get out of these metal boots that are holding me in place.

Will: You may want these in the meantime. (Casually lobs two lightsaber hilts at the couple) We found them back in the hallway. Try not to lose them again, k?

(Up above, completely ignored by everyone)

Jared: Grrr, I really should have put them in separate rooms to slow them down. And also done a better job disposing those lightsabers. Hindsight's a real b***h.

Anna: Who murmured that just now?

Jared; (Coughs to alter voice) This is only a minor setback! I'll cook up something even more devious; this is far from over, heroes! Mark my words and tremble, especially you two lovebirds! Your luck is only temporary! (Runs off)

Anna: Guys, I think that was Jared just now.

Jo: What? No way, it couldn't have been.

Squishy: It was! He's the one behind all—

Sephiroth: Heroes?

Jedi:!

(Sephiroth turns to face them)

Cope: Who's that?

Squishy: Alex don't look!

Cope: Why? Is he defooooo…. (Brain snap) Sweet Jimminy Jumping Jesus it's Sephiroth…

All: SEPHIROTH!?

(Said villain walks slowly closer to the stunned group)

Sephiroth: In times past, a hero or group of heroes would step forth to stop me, only to fail miserably. You must be this era's batch, yes?

Stan: Whoa now wait we're not here to face you or anything like that. We just came here for some cultists. That's right, only cultists; not super-powered video game bosses.

Sylvia: There were no cultists, Stanley. Everything that was stolen around the galaxy was needed to summon Sephiroth.

Stan: I really didn't want to hear that T.T

Sephiroth: Hmmm. You're different from the others. Each of you radiate an innate power similar to that of pure Materia. It's not ordinary warriors this time around, but supernaturally gifted ones. (Gives a slight grin) This might actually prove challenging for a change, if only barely.

Jo: Uh, Squishy, do you have any idea what he means by "others" and "this time around"?

Squishy: This isn't the firs time he's been here. He came here like, five other times and wiped out the galaxy each time.

Stan: He WHA? FIVE TIMES?! GOD DANG!

Sara: But then how are we still here? It shouldn't be possible if all life had been wiped out.

Jo: Just look at the Halo® series' lore, Sara. They figured something out.

Will: So he's come to wipe everything out again. Then we gotta stop him.

Stan: But he Did It 5 TIMES! You know, 2+3, 1+4, 10÷2! Not Just One But FIVE, Will!

Will: Honestly he doesn't seem different from all the other super-powered villains and celebrities that wanted to destroy the galaxy before, and we handled them easily enough.

Cope: Will, this is Sephiroth you're talking about! While he's not the greatest Final Fantasy character, he's still immensely powerful, plus his popularity has made him an immortal gaming icon!

Squishy: Also the only thing that actually defeated him was a brooding emo that swung a huge-a** sword and wore the same bland, unattractive clothes that I'm wearing now. In other words, fashionably impaired to the max!

Will: Let's see: I started out as a brooding bad-a**, I still have the strength to swing a Robot Master like a club, and our standard Jedi wear isn't anything to write home about, so yeah, I say we have a chance to take this guy out.

Sara: Ohhh, I sorta think the robes bring out your masculinity, Will. Actually, anything you wear does, for that matter.

Jo: Guhh, lover talk.

Sephiroth: Hmm, confidence in one's abilities is an important factor for any confrontation. But, those who grossly underestimate their foe's capabilities are readily felled. You should heed your friends' warnings, lest this skirmish wind up being disappointingly brief. (Raises sword. Bad-a** factor increased by 10!) Care to make the first move?

Squishy: Will, you really shouldn't—

Will: Gladly!

(Runs at Sephiroth with saber raised, but as he begins to swing it downwards, Sephiroth waves his sword full-circle in an instant, deflecting Will's saber with such force it sends him flying through the air a good 20 yards to everyone's shock)

Sephiroth: A headlong charge? Amateurish. Anyone else care to try?

Jo: Well we're deep in it now. Let's get 'im, guys! Attack!

(All the other Jedi rush and jump at Sephiroth with active sabers)

Squishy: W-wait, I'm still stuck, guys!

Sylvia: I'm trying to get you out don't worry! Ooh, where's the latch on these things?

(While that's happening, the others display all their fancy moves, but Sephiroth stops them all with his over-sized katana without moving his feet. Cope, Jo and Anna lock blades with him, and when Stan leaps in from behind for a sneak attack, Sephiroth deftly grabs one of his legs and swings him to the front, knocking the others away)

Sephiroth: Certainly more acrobatic in style, but just as weak as so many others who have challenged me. (Closes his eyes and a pulse wave erupts from him, scattering those close to him. He begins moving and takes the Masamune's hilt with both hands) Now what of your defense?

Jo: Look out!

(Everyone disperses from his insanely fast, far-reaching side slash)

Sephiroth: Fast reflexes, leaning on the side of cowardice. Or was that an intentional retreat?

(Advances slowly, still swinging at anyone he reaches. Soon the Jedi jump back past Sylvia and Squish)

Sylvia: Hey, one of you help me here!

Squishy: Sylvia look out!

(She looks ahead to see Sephiroth right before her and runs off before he brings down his blade. All alone, Squishy prepares for the worst, but after the swish he looks up to see his wig cleaved neatly in half)

Sephiroth: What a joke, trying to pass this loathsome creature off as him. Utterly wretched.

(He swings the sword again. Squishy leans back so that it misses his head, then the sword is swung downwards so that it cuts through the boots and releases Squishy, who tumbles from danger. At that moment, Sephiroth looks to see the other Jedi charging for a renewed attack. In response, he exhales and raises his sword one-handedly above his head. Just before the others reach him, he brings it down with tremendous force in a full circle around his whole body. Everyone ducks and is blown away by the wind burst, and around the whole circumference of the chamber a fine cut line forms at the height of the sword's arc. The building above the line shifts with a great tremor and leaves the place looking uneven and slanted. The floored Jedi look at this change with wonder just as the dreaded swordsman lands on the rafters above in a single silent bound)

Sephiroth: You really are no different from the others I defeated. Despite how advanced the civilization becomes, its defenders forever remain weak. None of you are worth the expense of my Makou powers. A shame; I honestly allowed myself to hope there would be a challenge this time around. (Walks off)

Will: Hey where're ya goin'? We're not finished yet!

Anna: Let it go; your talking has already caused enough aches, like the one in my arm. Ow. What's next? Jo? Alex? Squish?

Cope: We're certainly no match for him as is. We'll need to find some sort of weakness or get some serious training to even stand a ghost of a chance.

Will: But what do we do about him? We can't just let him leave can we?

Jo: Well he just left us, Will. Let's go back to the ship and heal up. We'll think of something; it's not like he's gonna be leaving the planet anytime soon.

Will: I don't know, man.

Rick: Let's just get out of here, Will.

Sally: Yeah.

Stan: Ow my face…

Sylvia: Squishy, I'm so glad he didn't get you. This has all been too much.

Squishy: Yeah, it really has. I'm glad he didn't get you either. But now I'm footloose again and everyone's fine. Let's hurry out of here and rest a bit. And also get these costumes off.

Sylvia: Right, although I've actually grown used to it.

Jo: Come on you two. You both still need to explain some things.

(They all get up and walk out)

---

(The wide stone corridor echoes loudly from his footfalls moments later. The black-clad icon is at one with himself in this maddening isolation, and his mind reaches out to better understand the changes that had taken place since his last trip)

Sephiroth: So much change. So many innovations and many more discoveries. If only the skills of this generation's warriors could match such progress. Yet that power they had within themselves, that is definitely new. And it has been utilized and perfected over thousands of years. (He continues his walk, moving his hands around as if feeling for something) What those heroes displayed was the weakest form of this power. This temple, this very world. I detect traces of an even greater power, of a level that can match my own. It's very faint, but I can feel a lingering disdain very close by. One nearly like my own.

(Eventually he steps into a section of hallway where cracked, solid black stone caskets jut out from the walls in all directions, resembling the rotten teeth of some colossal demon. At this sight, Sephiroth lowers his hand and smiles slightly)

Sephiroth: Catacombs. Hmmm. A place of eternal slumber for the masters of this raw power, all their secrets buried deep out of selfishness, or fear. Long forgotten, yet their spirits still stir with resentment. Feelings of sorrow, feelings of anger, feelings of hate, greed, lust. All of them searching for an escape from this prison, just waiting to be harnessed and unleashed, to spread and bring forth the influence of chaos. Imagine the kind of devastation that can be wrought by such raw, concentrated hatred.

Mother, I shall carry out your will once more in this bountiful universe, and this time I will make it the most spectacular venture yet. I promise you this.

(Moves forward to the space between the caskets and bows his head, placing a fist to his chest)

(o/ You Can Hear The Cry Of The Planet)

Sephiroth: Spirits of long-fallen masters, entities that remain attached to this mortal realm in the hopes of making others suffer, give me your power so that I may exact your desires. (Concentrated spirit wisps begin forming around the tombs and trail toward his chest in streams, growing thicker and more rapid) Only through me can you make this galaxy pay for shunning and resisting you. Let me be your sword, your executioner. I will show everyone the meaning of pain, the power of anger, and the falsehoods of joy. Let us be one, and together bring this galaxy to its knees. Hide nothing; make all your wishes known to me so that I can grant them. Only then will the worthless masses know who it is they have wronged, and who it is that they must Fear!

(All the ancient Sith spirit force is absorbed by Sephiroth, who radiates a blue glow briefly before losing it. Afterwards, he raises his head and looks over a hand now bathed in blue energy, that quickly turns into a dark crimson hue. He snuffs it and looks up, just as a black aura forms around him)

Sephiroth: Ready or not, here I come.

(A single black feathered wing sprouts from his back and dark energy bursts from him as "One-Winged Angel" comes on with great precedence. The empowered Sephiroth rises to the ceiling, which blows away completely to grant him access to the sky. At the other end of the temple, the Jedi have just reached the ship only to stop at the sound of rumbling)

Sally: What was that?

(They look back in time to catch the one-winged angel rise to the twilit heavens in a pillar of ethereal evil, causing lightning to issue from it and clouds to form)

Anna: Holy d**n, my Sith senses are tingling off the scale!

Jo: That's… Sephiroth? What the s**t?!

Cope: F**k, he's got his one wing. That means he's super-charged.

Stan: I didn't think he could get more bad-a, but whoa…

Sylvia: Where's he going?

(Soon Sephiroth clears the stratosphere and ascends into space. While he's rising, a fireball forms beneath him and grows with his ascent, turning into molten rock that radiates with a fierce, fiery glow that reddens the sky)

Squishy: Aiee f**k nooo!

Sylvia: Squishy what's—

Cope: It's Meteor! Sephiroth is Summoning Meteor! He's Going To Blow Up the Planet!

Will: WHAAAAT!?

Sara: With Us On It?!

Stan: We-We Gotta Get Out Of Here! WAAAAAH! (Runs to ship arms flailing)

Jo: Onto the Ship! Onto The Ship, People!

Cope: Get Us Some Distance From This Place, Hurry!

Squishy: Ah F**k Ah F**k Ah F***k!

(Everyone makes a mad dash to the ship. Meanwhile, high above, the meteor has now grown to half Korriban's size and has formed its own fiery atmosphere. Above it, Sephiroth feeds the meteor with some of his acquired power)

Sephiroth: There will be no reckoning like my own. I am the ultimate force in this universe. No one will be spared. Not even the planets.

(As the music gets low and ominous, the Sparrow lifts off and shoots off from the planet out into space, with everyone onboard looking nervous and freaked out. As they ready for hyperspace, the meteor has reached a size where its atmosphere begins frying up Korriban's)

Sephiroth: Jenova's Will, (Throws out arms) Be Done. Meteor.

(At that the meteor beneath breaks from his hold and plummets toward the surface. Once through the ozone, the planetary crust starts blowing away before its immense heat. After several seconds it finally impacts with a catastrophic explosion that erupts into space. Seconds following impact, the whole planet cracks up, and in a thunderous roar from the chorus, explodes in a blast 20 times more spectacular than that of the Death Star's, causing everything to go black and reverberating with the blast)

Judgement Day has come once again

To Be Continued...