Steve Warz: Trilogy 12

by The Compendium of Steve

The penultimate trilogy, folks! Squishy has been plagued with upsetting visions, and a mysterious cult is causing trouble! But as the Jedi rush to quell them, it soon becomes clear that there's a lot more going on, as a shocking remnant from the distant past steps forth to exact revenge with the most destructive forces imaginable! (Transcribed by the steadfast overmind2000)

3. Episode 2

Steve Warz

Episode [Fist]:

An Afternoon's Rugged Delight

Last time on Steve Warz, our beloved Jawa Squishy had a startling vision of his dear wife Sylvia's demise and sought answers. What was supposed to be a trip to the Jedi Archives however turned into a response to a peculiar museum robbery that launched our entire Jedi crew onto another "exciting" adventure. In pursuit of a thief within a temple on Korriban, the Jedi fell prey to the devious deviosity of their latest, most shocking foe yet: Jared! Yes, that Jared; the one Jedi to disappear entirely from the Series has returned out of the blue, and he's none too pleased about being abandoned! As in, he wants to exact bloody vengeance upon those who have forgotten him. Yikes!

His first order of business: Ruin his former comrade Squishy by killing Sylvia via the summoning of Supreme Bad-A** Sephiroth!

Although Squishy and Sylvia were spared undue tragedy, Sephiroth remained and was hungry for galactic annihilation, beginning with the absolute destruction of Korriban through his signature Meteor attack! The Jedi managed to escape the system before the planet's destruction in time, but the enormous shockwave disrupted their ship's engines, causing them to make an emergency landing on Corellia.

Stranded on a friendly planet and with an RPG Super God on a rampage, what fate is in store for the galaxy? Furthermore, what became of the insidious Jared? Did he die with Korriban, or is he still kicking and scheming? Looks like the Jedi have another instance of "a whole lot on their hands", but will this lot be too much to handle?

Jedi, what will you do to save us al—

Anna: Will you shut up already and start the d**n thing!

#Oh, alright. I'll make the intro shorter next time, Scout's Honor :)#

(From a starry scene we transition downwards into a blue atmosphere and distant mountains. In the middle of a wide flat green plain, the Century Sparrow is firmly nestled at the end of a gorge in the ground marking its abrupt landing. The ship's in pretty good shape, save for some dents and a bit of smoke rising out of its back. Gathered around are the passengers, catching a breath after their harrowing escape)

Anna: About time that guy stopped talking. I was in no mood for lengthy recaps.

Jo: Leave the narrator alone, Anna. We got bigger things to worry about.

Stan: Specifically that Sephiroth guy.

Jo: Yes, although I was referring to our present predicament. We were supposed to be back at Coruscant but got knocked out into this system instead. No doubt due to Korriban going kablooey.

Will: With the way everything was rattling up there, I say we got off pretty lucky. That was a h*** of a blast for its shockwave to reach as far as it did.

Cope: Tis the power of the One-Winged Angel, Will. As envisioned by the fans.

Will: Yeah, what is up with that name: is he really an angel?

Cope: It really started as an ascetic choice for his final form, but Square rolled with the angel motif in subsequent entries.

Sara: Korriban... I can't believe it's completely gone. That's probably very upsetting for you, Anna. All those temples and artifacts, wiped ou—

Anna: Eh, it's no big loss. That rock only represented a stop on Memory Lane. It isn't something I'm going to lament about.

Sally: Well good riddance to nasty rubbish anyway. Rick went crazy that one time there, so who needs it after that?

Will: The Financer.

Sally: Precisely!

Jo: Okay enough talking about what's already happened. The clock is ticking for galactic doom and we need to alert everyone at HQ about Sephiroth.

Squishy: And Jared.

Jo: You and Sylv still have to fill us in on that.

Will: Hey, I can see a city from here, about ten miles out. Judging from the skyline, I'm sure it's Coronet.

Jo: Well that simplifies things greatly for us. Alright everyone, first priority is to get to the city, find some government officials and relay a message to Ackbar. Then we get the Sparrow repaired, head back to Coruscant and finally do something about Sephiroth.

Cope: Why bother coming back for this heap when we can just grab a better ship in the city?

Squishy: But it's muh baaaaaby...

Jo: We can talk it over on the way. I want to get there by sundown.

Anna: What luck for us to crash land right outside of Corellia's capital within "reasonable" walking distance. Maybe we'll get a huge banquet and spa invitations once we arrive.

Stan: That would be stellar.

Anna: I'm only kidding, Stan.

(Sara chuckles. Zooming out, we see a portion of the world as an interactive map and watch the Jedi make their 3 hour walk get condensed into 5 seconds while "Blue Fields" from FFVIII plays. Reverting back to Norma-Vision, the group steps onto the ferrocrete of a road and enter the city proper. Soon they move from road to sidewalk and become surrounded by buildings)

Sylvia: Where are the people? There isn't anybody here.

Sara: It's probably an abandoned section. The road we came in on wasn't well maintained, and these buildings seem old as well.

Rick: I've never been in this part of the city before, so that could be the case.

Cope: Unlikely. This is the planet's capital, so people should be everywhere, even in small numbers.

Sally: Gasp! Do you think that maybe—?

(Before she could finish that, the sound of human activity reaches their ears)

Sylvia: That's some people right now. Quite a few of them.

Sara: Ooh I can see them! Right down that alley; there's a bunch of them.

Stan: Is it some kind of rally?

Jo: Whatever gathering it be, somebody there can point us toward a communications terminal.

Squishy: And a shower.

Stan: Is it me or are all those people wearing black?

(They step out of the alleyways and are met with a shocking sight. Before them is a huge crowd of people wearing the exact same uniforms of black. Though most of them are overweight, stunted, out-of-shape or just plain old, it's still a formidable display. At the front of the black chattering mass there's a small stage with a huge banner strung up over it reading "Hellish Frowns Reunion Revenge Expo 20XX: Welcome Returning Fodder & Underlings!" On the stage adjusting a microphone with stand is a short quasi-Latino fellow with very short hair and a haggard look on his face. The feedback from the mic reverberates from hidden speakers)

Jared: Okay um uh-hum, if I can have your attention right now then we'll get things underway so everyone look up here all of you. Come on people, it isn't too much to ask. (Everybody quiets and looks to him) Thank you. Welcome everyone, and I'm glad all of you made it out here today.

Hellish Frown 1: You made us come here, young man!

Jared: Yeah I know, just trying to be courteous here. Alright, to get you all up to speed, my attempt at harnessing a Gaming God hasn't gone to plan, so right now Sephiroth is off doing his own thing and has left me with squat to go exacting revenge. That's why I've called you, the surviving Hellish Frowns members from ye olden days, to assist me in achieving my goal of galactic domination through the use of your tactical skills and combative prowess, although to be honest I'd much rather go with a super death laser that has a five hour recharge period, but I'll take what I can get.

Now I know it's been over ten years since any of you saw any action, or actually did anything remotely physical, but that doesn't mean I have no confidence in your capabilities of doing what I say. This gathering proves that. Therefore, your first job as reinstated bad guys is to capture Sephiroth and bring him to me. I don't care what methods you use or the level of losses suffered on your part, just make sure you all don't die at once. That's plain bad strategy. (Everyone looks around uncertainly) Rest assured, I do have a contingency plan. In the event that Sephiroth manages to level three quarters of the galaxy in the time it takes us to recapture him, any surviving members will assist in the hostile takeover of whatever planets are left, and then we'll go from there. So who's ready to bring this galaxy to its knees?

Hellish Frown 2: Melvin's having a stroke!

Jared: (Pinches brow) Why did I settle for so many geriatrics?

(Back to the Jedi)

Squishy: Huh. He's less threatening now, kinda like his old self.

Sylvia: How did he have time to set this up? He didn't have that much of a headstart, did he?

Sara: Could that be? Is that really him?

Cope: Well whether it be or not, he's still got all these terrorists under his command, albeit shoddy-looking ones. We better skirt by for now and come back with some law enforcement. Don't you agree, Jo?

Jo: Yeah. Far too many old guys.

(Anna suddenly steps forward with a look of disbelief)

Anna: Jared?!

Cope: Sheesh Anna keep it dow—

(Far across from them, Jared catches his name and looks straight at them, and suddenly his eyes flare up and his face fills with vigor)

Jared: Jedi!

Stan: Oh crud!

Jared: Fossils, surround the intruders! Don't let them escape or so help me I'll flail every one of you!

(As one, the black-clad terrorists surround the Jedi completely, herding them towards the center of the square with blasters and vibroblades drawn. With sabers drawn, the Jedi maintain a bit of space between them and the silver horde, which has developed an aura of invigorated nastiness)

Jared: Well well well, look who decided to crash my little convention: Squishy, the lizard-ho Sylvia, and the whole merry Jedi crew. I had been wondering how I was to recapture you, but you decided to swing by and save me the trouble, hahahaha!

Stan: Why'd you have to yell, Anna?

Anna: I don't believe it: Jared's actually back!

Jared: Ahhh, I remember that husky voice. Dear sweet vivacious Anna. Good news: I've totally embraced the dark and have never felt better!

Anna: I can clearly see that, but why'd you go Dark without me? I'm the more experienced evil-doer; we could've made a killing, literally!

Cope: Anna!

Anna: I'm only kidding! (Not entirely...)

Jared: Sorry 'bout leaving you out, but you know how Sith are: first come first serve, every man for himself and all that. Besides, I don't associate with goody Jedi, or Sith for that matter. I go my own heinous way, (face shot) bi-o**h.

Sara: Why are you being like this, Jared? We're pals aren't we? You, me and everyone here!

Jared: Oh au contraire, mademoiselle. First off, I don't really know any of the lizards, and second, we are very, very, VERY far from being on "pally" terms. I already gave the full explanation to Squishy, so here's the reduced calorie one. I've been left out of nearly ten trilogies and not one of you bothered to look for me, so I'm feeling incredibly pissed at the galaxy and really want to vent some steam. That's my motive in a nutshell, Sara; it's a little more nuanced than that, but there would be no point elaborating since you're about to die.

Will: Hey hey now, what do you mean we didn't go looking for you? We totally held a massive galaxy-wide search for you the moment you were gone you ingrate!

Squishy: No we didn't.

Will: Oh. Uh, but we were still worried as h**l for your well-being at least.

Squishy: No we weren't.

Will: You're literally killing me here, Squish.

Jared: Don't bother trying to feed me some lame lies. You all were having a grand-a** time without me. Not a speck of me was in either of your minds, or hearts. (Gets mopey) What kind of friends would be so cruel :(

Sara: But that's not—

Jared: Siiilence! I've heard 'em all, read 'em all. You have no excuse for utterly forgetting my existence, and now I'll make you pay!

(The HFS encroach ever more with sinister grins, wielding their bats, chains, switchblades, hedgetrimmers, garden gnomes, and photos menacingly)

Jared: All the experiences you had, the adventures, the heroics. I missed out on years of action and emotion, denied a proper starring or even supporting role. But now I've come back and I'll make things right by killing my former friends.

First though, I have to properly announce my return to this fantastic galaxy I once called home. And it will be done… via music number!

Jedi:...…

Cope: Are you serious?

Jared: That I am, Copeland. You guys have been breaking out into song all the time, and now it's my turn to bust a vocal chord and kick some audio. (Forcefully takes hold of the mic stand) Ready yourselves for supreme wow, defenders of the Force. Before you die at the hands of my Hellish Frowns, I will blow out your ear canals like there's no tomorrow, and you'll love every second of it. Lower dem Liiiiiiiights! (Lights go dark)

FAT LIP

As made famous by SUM 41

Covered by JARED D.V.G. (DEVIOUSLY VENGEFUL GO-GETTER)

(We lower down into the square before the stage, which is bathed in spotlights. At the center is Jared, who shows his back to the crowd before turning to reveal a fresh punk get-up, a guitar strapped around his front, and his hair moussed up to form little spikes, trying to look serious with stern eyes and no smile. Behind him in the shadows are some dudes providing backup instrumentals)

Jared: I want to dedicate this song to the Jedi, whose collective indifference has made me into the thug that I am today. Gracias.

(Some clapping and woos just as Jared hands his guitar over to a roadie and takes the mic. Things go quiet, then the opening notes and riffs start playing. The drums come in and the sound goes up to 9, causing the square to go crazy with cheering, streamers, lasers and strobe lights)

Jared: Stormin' through the party like my name is El Niño!

(When I'm hanging out drinking in the back of an El Camino)

As a kid, (was a skid), no one knew me by name.

I trashed my own house party cuz nobody came!

I know I'm not the one you thought you knew back in high school.

Never goin', never showin' when we had to.

Is it attention that we crave?

Don't tell us to behave.

I'm sick of hearing "always act your age."

I don't wanna waaste, my time,

Become another casualty in society!

I'll never faaall, in line!

Become another victim of your conformity

And back down!

(Instrumental break. The crowd is still wild and the Jedi are still trapped)

Jared: Be! Cuz! You! Don't!

Know us at all; we laugh when old people fall.

But what would you expect with a conscience so small?

Heavy metal, (and mullets), it's how we were raised.

Maiden, (and Priest), were the gods that we praised.

Cuz we like having fun at other peoples expense and,

Cutting people down is a minor offense, then!

It's none of your concern.

I guess you'll never learn.

I'm sick of being told to wait my turn!

I don't wanna waaste, my time,

Become another casualty in society!

I'll never faall, in line,

Become another victim of conformity

And back down!

(The guitars thrash on a bit, and then Jared turns his back to everyone as the rock ends and a gentle solo begins)

Jared: Don't count on me... to let you know when,

Don't count on me... I'll do it again.

(But as Jared sings, all of a sudden the angels sang in immaculate chorus, for to the Jedi's surprise, down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris, who delivered a kick that could shatter bones into the face of the closest HF soldier, sending him flying dead through the crowd with supersonic force. The black-clad onlookers back from the tan, muscular fighter, intimidated by his rugged jeans, tight white shirt, cowboy hat and ferocious beard. While Jared remains lost in his angry music, some soldiers go for the Texas Ranger, but every one of 'em gets a fist to the face, an elbow to the head, an arm to the jugular, or a roundhouse kick to the torso, all swiftly and expertly delivered. He tears through the crowd with punches and mostly kicks along with some karate, sending losers flying and crumpling. All the HF's then turn tail and run, but as the guitars heat up the Jedi block them, looking to add more casualties to society as things go up to 11!)

Jared: I don't wanna waaste, myy time,

Become another casualty in society!

I'll never faall, iiin line,

Become another another victim of your conformity

And back down—

(Waaaste, my, time with them)

Casualty in society.

(Waaaste, my, time again)

Victim of your conformity

And back down!

(Jared rocks out to the rest of the song and jumps around to face the crowd once again)

Jared: Thank you Coronet, you've been AWESOME!

(Opening his eyes, he sees to his dismay that his cheering crowd has been reduced to black heaps littering the whole square, along with scattered weapons and body parts. The only ones standing are the triumphant Jedi and the Martial Adonis)

Jared: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh... F**k.

Rick: Feel ready to kill us now?

Jared: Eghh... Stomach cramps. That's it! All that singing and stomping has upset my digestion; I'm in no condition to kill you properly. But don't think you've won this! You'll all be dying and begging for forgiveness come Round 2. Until then, adios scum! (Runs away!)

Mid-Boss: Hmph. How dare he make up such a weak excuse, and one of my own at that. Anyway, I'm late for my bath and mirror-gazing, so au' revoir. (Runs away)

Sylvia: I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm still a little disappointed he ran. I would have loved to shred him up for what he put me through.

Squishy: You will, sweetheart. We both will.

(Chuck walks over to them)

Chuck: Whew. There sure were a lot of them. Are you guys alright?

Sara: Yeah, we're okay.

Sally: That was the most fun I've had in a year.

Stan: Great music too, though it was meant for our doom.

Sara: Thanks for helping us, Mr. Norris.

Chuck: No problem. It was my pleasure. Say, it may be a strange thing to ask after what's just happened, but could any of you tell me what place this is and, for that matter, who Mr. Norris is?

Jedi: Huh?!

Chuck: What? Is he somebody important?

---

What a turn of events! The Iron-Bodied American Icon Chuck Norris has jumped onto the scene and aided the Jedi in some major terrorist pwnage! But why doesn't he know his own name?

After a quick stop to a mechanic and a space phone, the Jedi leave Corellia with the confused celebrity in tow. Immediately returning to Coruscant, the heroes inform Ackbar and the military heads of the development regarding Sephiroth's appearance. But what of Chuck?

---

Will: Complete amnesia?

Medic: Yes, that is exactly what I just said, Master Will.

Stan: But how does he lose all his memory? He's Chuck Norris; even I know about his super legendary strength.

Sally: Everyone does, bro. Like how he averted a catastrophic comet strike using just his little toe.

Jo: Enough you two. Besides, he only needed to flick one of his fingernail clippings to stop that thing. Anyways Doc, what gave Chuck this amnesia?

(The whole Jedi crew are walking through the sterilized corridors of a military hospital talking with a middle-aged brunette in a medical coat)

Medic: The severity of it show that it's shock-induced, though what sort of shock it was is anybody's guess. It might have been something to do with his entry into our universe; I don't know the methods celebrities use to transcend dimensions, and honestly I don't care to know. I'm a doctor of medicine, not Obsessive Fandamonium Studies.

Cope: Is there some way to help him regain his memories?

Medic: Since we don't know the kind of shock he received, we also cannot say how to remedy it. We could wait it out and let time repair his memories like with most cases, or better yet, you could try helping him remember using word recognition. Have any of you made an attempt to help him remember by telling him about things only he has done?

Sylvia: No we have not.

Medic: Not at all? Your trip here took a total of two hours non-stop through straight hyperspace lanes. You're telling me that in all that time you never even spoke once to him about anything? Anything at all?

Squishy: We couldn't. The narrator didn't give us any time to talk: he just put us on the ship and zipped us here in one paragraph and nothing else.

Medic: Seriously? That's hard to believe.

Rick: Just shows how unbelievably lazy the writer is.

Anna: So what have you been doing with him since we dropped him off?

Medic: We've been putting him through the screening process for space refugees. We administrated mental tests, taken X-rays, had him exercise and then rinsed off (Not forgetting to take some photographs for "staff" use later on).

Anna: What was that?

Medic: Nothing. Back to Mr. Chuck Norris, currently he is receiving vaccinations in one of of our examination rooms, which we have been passing and returning to in a constant loop while carrying on this conversation.

Will: Oh, whoops.

Medic: It's alright. I like to flex my verbosity every once in a while, and what a workout this has been. (The whole group stops before a long shuttered window with a door next to it) Right, this is where the patient is now. Because of hospital regulation none of you are allowed to enter. Would simple observation suffice?

Jo: Okay.

Will: Sure.

Sylvia: No objection here.

Medic: Very well.

(She leans a bit and extends her hand so that it touches a small panel of buttons, which she dials. The shutters on the observation window loosen and raise up, revealing the room within. Surrounded by cold metallic gray and various medical cabinets and equipment we see the rugged Chuck Norris, now shirtless, sitting firmly atop a thick metal slab that passes for an examination table. Next to him is a rotund medical droid with blinking lights and two clamp-equipped arms)

Medic Droid: Alright Subject Patient Norris/Chuck, we are nearly done here. All that's left is to inject you with the Republic-mandated vaccination.

Chuck: A vaccination?

Medic Droid: Yes, a vaccination. A type of medicine that is used in combating a disease, or in the case of the Republic-mandated vaccination, every kind of disease in existence, including lower forms of Stupidity and CEO Anal-omaly.

Oil Baron: Bolly!

Medic Droid: Surely you know of a vaccination and/or had one before, although based on outward appearance observations, I can understand your underdeveloped society of origin lacks such modern necessities and/or commodities.

Chuck: No, I know what a vaccination is. I just don't think I need one. I'm not feeling sick or fatigued at all.

Medic Droid: I'm sorry Subject Patient Norris/Chuck, but this vaccine is a precautionary requirement for all incoming foreigners lacking proper medical records. And based on the severe brevity of carry-ons and/or aforementioned records, taking your word on the wellness of your body is a risk that may result in pandemic and/or complete zombie takeover. With that stated, please accept the vaccination without protest and save us the trouble of me having to repeat myself. All this text is taking up excess temporary memory space.

Chuck: Well, alright. It's your rules, and I can't leave unless I follow them, so give it to me. (That's what she said!)

Medic Droid: Precisely. Despite your puny mountain-man brain you've proven to be a very cooperative and thus excellent Subject Patient, one very deserving of cake. But I cannot cook; these clamps were designed solely for the relief and suffering of humans. How come? Why couldn't my extensions be gifted with the ways of baking, tending and caring? What kind of robot god plays such sick twisted games with my metal soul? Why... Sorry. One of the interns recently inserted a PC game disc rather forcibly into me by accident, so I often have moments of existential dread at times. No concern, however, for I am still capable of administering this vaccine with 98.67% efficiency.

(Produces large syringe and holds it over Chuck's shoulder)

Medic Droid: Please remain still. This will only sting briefly, or indefinitely, if you are of a wildly different species and/or unrealistically primitive, but there is no worry I assure you.

(MD raises the needle a bit over the bare flesh, then brings it down quickly. But upon contact it is halted and bends in multiple angles, as though having hit the side of a battleship)

Medic Droid: Well, this wasn't one of the foreseeable or even predicted outcomes. I suppose this constitutes as "Strikingly Healthy". Congratulations Subject Patient Norris/Chuck. You have passed every screening with no sign of sickness and/or disability, and your superior immune system surpasses all prior judgments of you. Allow me to be the first in welcoming you to Coruscant: Capital of the Galactic Republic. Proper informalities are in order. (Extends arm in friendship)

Chuck: That's great. All this space stuff is sort of unsettling, but hearing that means a lot. Thank you very much. (Takes hold of MD's clamp and commences shake)

Medic Droid: Yes. I'm sure it does.

(Suddenly there is a metal tear and we see Chuck holding a severed droid arm)

Medic Droid:...…

Chuck: Sorry. I'm still trying to get a hang of my strength.

Medic Droid: This is coming out of your insurance. If you do not have insurance, then I shall direct you to the nearest insurance firm. No. Upset readings too high. I'm taking you to one right now. Immediately.

(Gets a hold of Chuck's arm and tries to drag him off the table, but only succeeds in tearing his remaining arm off as it remains clutched to Chuck)

Chuck: Hey, that wasn't me that time.

Medic Droid: Grrrrrzzzzzztt...…

(Back out in the hall)

Sara: Ohhh, poor Mr. Norris. So lost without memories and being prodded and probed by a demeaning robot.

Medic: It wouldn't be like this if the head administrator hired someone other than that designer from Bioware to build our mechanical staff, but you can't argue with those bargain prices.

(A vid screen flies over to the group, showing Ackbar at his desk)

Ackbar: Ah, finally I found you all.

Will: Hey it's the admiral. Making good use of those mobile communicators, eh?

Ackbar: Yes yes, they can be convenient at times. Now, have you all finished checking on Mr. Norris yet?

Jo: Yes we have, Admiral. He's in peak condition.

Sally: Super-human, even.

Sara: He's not getting the warmest reception from the staff, though.

Ackbar: That can be discussed later. Right now all of you are needed in the war room to discuss this Sephiroth threat, which as you yourselves put it is of dire importance.

Cope: We fully understand, sir. We'll head back up right away.

Sara: But guys, don't you think it's wrong to leave poor helpless Chuck here by himself all confused and such?

Sally: Yeah, he's still human, right? He should be put somewhere cozier where he can feel more secure.

Jo: Puh! Like he needs help feeling secure with ungodly strength like his.

Sara: But come on, he's like a caged animal. A chiseled, immaculately-groomed, masculine animal, like some kind of rugged bear-man.

(Chris appears on Ackbar's screen)

Chris: Quit all your butting, ya silly lass! The Admiral said to get up here, and as a consistently reliable and often leaned upon servant of the people, you better believe you're coming up here, so no further questions or even a chance to plead your position, understandé?

Ackbar: Quite, General; that's exactly what I'm trying to convey here. Now come to the war room immediately!

Sylvia: We should go, Sara. Sephiroth and Jared are the ones we have to stay focused on.

Squishy: Oh yeah.

Rick: No doubt.

Will: Chuck will be fine, Sara. Let's leave him be for now.

Sara: How can all of you be so cold about this? We fight über-powered villains all the time! Right now there's a gentle giant that needs comforting in this scary universe of ours!

Anna: How is he any different from all the other celebrities that've passed by? It's not like he's gonna help us like Sam Jackson did, and how long ago was that? Sara, the fate of the galaxy is at stake again, and all of a sudden you go motherly humanitarian? Be honest with me: is it the hunk factor? While I admit he's indeed a fine specimen of the male human form, you're married to Will, so stick with what you got.

Enactor: Blow to Masculinity! (Punches Will hard in gut)

Will: Kuloaf!

Sara: You too, Anna? Well forget you guys; I'm gonna prove that there's at least one decent human being among us that cares about another's predicament!

(Turns and struts off in frustration, followed by Ackbar's monitor)

Ackbar: Sara, you realize you are disobeying a direct order—

Sara: Blow me!

(Uses the Force to knock the monitor away from her onto the hall floor, then she enters the medical room in a fluster)

Medic: Wait you can't go in, oh too late. Sigh.

Stan: Whoa, I've never seen Sara so upset before.

Jo: Neither have we. Come on, let's follow her.

Squishy: Oh boy.

(They all move over to the door. Ackbar's monitor floats back up and intercepts them)

Ackbar: Master Joseph, do something about your... where are you all going?

Jo: Emergency.

Ackbar: Wait, what do you think you're doing? You better not be disobeying orders as well. Are any of you paying attention to me? Jedi—

(All the Jedi go through the door and it shuts right in the face of the monitor, smacking it back onto the ground)

Ackbar: Confound these controls, I can't get it in motion! How do I reboot the repulsors again?

Medic: Hmm. In spite of their ages, I can't shake the feeling that they're still kids on the inside.

(Inside the medical room, Sara enters before the still topless Chuck sitting atop the table, the medic droid absent)

Chuck: Well hi there. Are you one of the nurses? No wait, you're Sara, right? From that one place.

Sara: Yes Mr. Norris, I'm Sara. I'm just here to see how you were doing.

Chuck: Well that's awfully kind of you. Just now I was told I was in good health, and I feel fine so I suppose I'm well off.

Sara: That's good, because though the others don't really show it, they care about you in their own way, Mr. Norris.

Chuck: Why does everyone call me that? "Mr. Norris..."

Sara: Because that's who you are: Your name's Chuck Norris.

Chuck: Really?

(At that moment the other Jedi enter as one large group, crowding the place)

Chuck: Whoa, it's the rest of you that I've met before. Funny to see all of you here. Do you work as doctors for this place?

Cope: No, we're Jedi. We fight for justice and peace, much like yourself on television.

Chuck: Jedi... You know I've heard about those somewhere. They use something called the Force?

Sylvia: Yes, that's right!

Chuck: Alright then, I definitely know what Jedi are. Say, when exactly did I appear on TV?

Cope: Uhhhhhh. (Never watched the show x_x)

Chuck: So you're all checking on me, too? Boy, there sure are a lot of people worrying about me.

Rick: Considering your condition, there would be a degree of concern.

Chuck: What condition? That droid said I was fine.

Squishy: Huh? (He knows what a droid is? Guess he's more informed than I thought _ )

Sara: (Whispering to group) Guys, he's clearly in bad shape. We can't just leave him like this! He'll feel vulnerable and frightened!

Will: He seems perfectly alright to me.

(Show Chuck rubbing is beard and pumping an arm to check his muscles)

Sara: Looks aren't everything Will, otherwise I would've gone for the first Hapan man I met.

Enactor: Another hit to Manhood! (Drops in and bashes Will with a double fist to the neck base)

Anna: So what are we supposed to do about it, Sara?

Sara: We can't leave him here that's for sure!

Jo: And why not? Sara, the facility is one of the most fortified structures on Coruscant, and there are lots of beds and plenty of food to keep him happy, so quit your griping already! I'm the one in charge and I'm telling you that we have to get back with Ackbar on the double before you of all people land us into even more trouble—

Sara: After we fix his memory!

Jo: What?

Sara: How bout this: After we help him remember who he is, then we can go and talk with Ackbar.

Jo: Are you kidding me?

Squishy: Sara, even I'm skeptical about that idea. Fixing memories isn't exactly cutting through bad guys or busting a groove.

Anna: Like you really could, Squish.

Stan: Told! Sorry, Dad.

Sara: It should be pretty easy. That medic said that it usually takes mentioning something that an amnesiac did or knows to jog their memory. All we have to do is keep saying stuff he's known for and he should catch on to his identity. It won't take more than a few minutes I'm sure of it; he's too famous to be hopeless.

Sylvia: I suppose it's worth a shot. We never once spoke to him about himself, so it really might not take much to jog his mind.

Cope: It could be possible. But we'll only have time to mention the big things.

Sally: And we can't flat out tell him those things. He'll end up being more confused if it's direct.

Squishy: So we'll say them with discretion, subtly, all casual-like.

Sally: Yeah, that should do the trick!

Anna: Then it's a plan.

Will: I guess.

Jo: God I can't believe you're all getting into this. Fine, we'll try to help his memory, but only for a few minutes. Understand, Sara?

Sara: Gotcha Jo, thanks ! Alright everyone, let's make it work.

Squishy: Okitay.

Stan: Right.

Rick: Sure.

(The group disbands and faces Chuck, who looks at them curiously)

Sara: (Whispers) Like Squishy said: Subtly, guys.

Will: Yeah yeah. (To Squishy) So Squishy, what did you do last night, man?

Squishy: Oh, just some office work and TV watching.

Will: Was anything on worth watching?

Squishy: No, just reruns and infomercials.

Cope: You know there is that one show Walker, Texas Ranger that could have been interesting to see.

Sally: You mean the show with the bad-a** main character? I hear about that one all the time.

Sara: That's probably cuz he is so tough, rugged and wholesome.

Will:..…

Jo: Gee it sure would be swell to meet someone like him, like right now, in this room, with all of us, preferably sitting down, not wasting our time.

Sara: Jo!

Jo: I'm just saying.

(They all look at Chuck eagerly)

Chuck:..…

Sara: (Whispers) It's not working! Jo, try something else.

Jo: Why me? Sigh... Say Will, is it me or are you all super buff today?

Will: Huh?

Sara: Will!

Will: Oh um, yeah I've been working out lately, using a very efficient home workout gym.

Jo: You have, have you?

Will: That's right. It's the one sponsored by that one super buff celebrity. You know, the one with the beard.

Squishy: Boy, considering how fit you are Will, I might want to go get my own home gym.

Jo: Sorry Squishy, but from what I heard you would have to be pretty tall and broad-shouldered to use one of those. (Sylvia gives a little chuckle)

Anna: Poor stunted Squishy.

Squishy: I'm broad-shouldered enough.…

Chuck:...…

Anna: Hmm. He is quite the nut to crack.

Sara: Ohhhh.…

(Suddenly a topless Bruce Lee leaps in and makes a spectacle of his arms by flinging them around)

Bruce Lee: I have come for what is mine Ha Ha! None of you dare stand a chance before me! Ho ho!

(Rick steps forth and does some fancy arm work as well)

Rick: Why are you here exactly we mean no qualm with your person! Keeyo!

Bruce Lee: Silence you insufferable mutt of a man I kill you where you stand!

Rick: Try you might!?

Bruce Lee: ¿¡Haa-Chaii!?

(The two engage in masterful karate accompanied by frequent whooshings and whapping sounds. After a brief exaggerated show Rick stands victorious after delivering an expert roundhouse kick to the seasoned action star)

Bruce Lee: Fire my stunt double he too slow to assert the pain!? Owwie-How!

Rick:...Why did all of that just happen now?

(Editor's Note: Richter lacked action scenes as of late, so some time in the spotlight was needed :) )

Cope: Quite impressive to say the least. Like a certain martial arts champion? (Another eager look)

Chuck:...?

Jo: Ugh, seriously?!

Sara: But I don't understand; we covered the big three, so why isn't it clicking? Oh fiddle sticks!

Cope: So I guess we head up to the war room next?

Will: We're already pretty late for it as is; we might as well get some lunch while we're out.

Jo: Yeah, lunch doesn't sound bad. The food ought to help me get over the utter disobedience of my team mates.

Sylvia: But where should we go?

Stan: I'm up for some Mexican.

Cope: Mexican would be good right now.

Squishy: Should we go to the usual spot then?

Will: The one on Aurora Avenue?

Squishy: Yeah that one!

Jo: We've been to that one too many times. If we're gonna be breaking orders we might as well go somewhere new.

Squishy: But that one's the best!

Jo: They're all the freakin' same Squish, plus what if Carlos is there?

Anna: Yeah, that Carlos is real annoying when he's around, and chances are he's working today.

Squishy: I find him funny.

Sara: Honestly I don't want to put up with Carlos today; he'll just make the mood worse.

Cope: Yeah.

Chuck: Hold on there. Carlos... My name is Carlos.

Jedi: Huh!?

Stan: Did Chuck just remember something now?

Sara: Mr. Norris?

Chuck: My name's Carlos. People started calling me Chuck when I was in the army... stationed over in Korea in fact. And then... and then I came back to the US and took up martial arts with a guy who'd later become a movie star. His name was Bruce. Bruce Lee. That's right, I starred in a few movies with him.

Then suddenly people started finding me amazing and I became all popular. I wound up with my own TV show, and I made my own style of martial arts. My brother died in 'Nam; I'm a firm supporter of Mike Huckabee; there are a kajillion facts about my awesomeness; I eat red meat; there's a home gym with my name on it; fitness center franchises are the devil...

By God! I am Chuck Norris!

(Leaps off the table and stands firm and proud as holy light shines down on him and a grand chorus orates his reawakening to the awe of the Jedi, who are smitten by his renewed manly assuredness)

Stan: Whoaa!

Sara: He's back! Chuck Norris is back!

Anna: And all because we said his birth name?

Sara: See? I told you how simple this was!

Anna: But that's just lame and lazy! Absolutely zero effort!

Rick: Remember who writes this, Anna.

(Editor's Note: Do not question my methods! :( )

Chuck: Wow, it felt weird not knowing who I was for a sec.

Sara: It's good to know you're back to normal, Mr. Norris.

Chuck: Call me Chuck, Sara. I think we're well past formalities, don't you agree?

Sara: Oh, certainly.

(Chuck does some stretches)

Chuck: So, Jedi. I suppose you being here means I'm needed for—or am involved in—something, right?

Cope: No, nothing of that sort. You could consider this a diversion of personal interest.

Sally: And cuz we care.

Chuck: Well that's nice, doing something because you want to. Very important to have time to yourself as well. (Stretches some more) I appreciate you helping me remember who I was by the way.

Squishy: A pleasure, Chuck. You can't have a man going around not knowing who he is. And you also helped us out with those geriatrics, so you could consider this returning the favor.

Chuck: You mean those guys in black? There was nothing to it. I suppose when my memories are gone I instinctively seek out those in need of aid.

Rick: And delivering said aid through sheer brute force.

Chuck: Oh yeah. With my lifestyle there is no better satisfaction than doing the job with your own two hands, (Stretches) and legs. (Some more stretches) And it also wards off old age, as you can see.

Sara: Ooooh, very much so. (Pity on Will :,( )

Chuck: So you've checked up on me and even fixed my memory. I bet you got other things to do, being peace keepers and all, besides looking after amnesiacs like myself.

Jo: Yeah, as a matter of fact—

Sara: Oh not at all. Not at all one bit, Chuck. We're stuck with so much free time as is!

Jedi: Wha!?

Jo: Sara!

Sara: Oh don't be so duty-bound, Jo! Show some interest in other people instead of work all the time.

Jo: Our work is PROTECTING those people!

Sara: Heh heh, don't mind my workaholic friend there, Chuck. As I was saying, we Jedi are open to fulfilling any desires you might have at the moment.

Chuck: That's awfully considerate, although I've already showered and ate, so I'm good for now.

Sally: We can show him around Coruscant.

Jo: Sal!

Sylvia: That's not a bad idea, Sally. Celebrities don't often know about modern-day Coruscant.

Jo: Syl—!

Squishy: A city-wide tour is an absolute treat for outsiders, like when I came here.

Jo: Huume?!

Stan: Oh yeah, we should definitely show him the place.

Jo: Hrm?!

Rick: Fine by me.

Jo: Hgh!

Anna: Let's make it a date then! Want to see the wonders of Coruscant, Chuck?

Chuck: The fresh air would do some good. Okay, show me what this place is all about.

Sara: Coolie-goolie! You can take my word that Coruscant has the freshest city air in all the galaxy!

Will: That might not be such a good thing.

Sara: Oh you know what I mean! Come on, let's go then!

Anna: We should find Chuck a shirt first.

Sara: But whyyy?

Jo: I can't believe this is happening; no respect to authority, RAAA fumefume FUME!

(After a short bit we turn to the bustling and sprawling cityscape and zoom down onto a walkway that all the Jedi and Chuck are standing on, with him now wearing a brown trench coat along with cowboy hat and white shirt. Sara has her arms raised before the city)

Sara: Behold the glory and spectacle of the Republic's Life Center, Chuck: Coruscant! I've always wanted to do an intro like that.

Chuck: Hmm. Looks to me like LA on five kinds of steroids.

(Anna reaches over and grabs ahold of his shoulder, chewing a cigar, wearing kooky glasses and guffawing)

Anna: Ho ho ho, are you listenin' to this guy? He knows how to be funny! God you gotta love him.

(Pats Chuck on chest before pushing him away)

Squishy: Millennia upon millennia old, this city has stood the test of time and everything it could dish out: war, disease, political upheaval, and even the lone psychotic ambitions of a deranged super being. Followed shortly by the guy who managed to obliterate everything.

Chuck: Managed to?

Squishy: Yeah, but as you can see it's been fixed and made livelier than ever.

Jo: Could we hurry this up before I punt a certain little Jawa out of absolute frustration?

Sara: Oh patience, Jo. Right this way, Chuck.

(The group turns left and begin walking the walkway in the shadows of the buildings close by)

Sara: Like any other city, Coruscant has more to it than some long-winded boring history. Guys, explain all the splendors of fair Coruscant to our guest, if you would be so kind.

Cope: Coruscant houses the headquarters for all military operations in the galaxy, and I'm also happy to point out it's the de facto Jedi base of operations, supplanting Dantooine millennia ago. It also has the third best economy in the galaxy, falling short of the financial successes of Hapon and Corellia.

Sara:...Nice effort there, Alex. But I think he'd rather hear something interesting about the city.

Cope: Huh? That wasn't the least bit interesting to anyone?

Audience: (Shaking their heads)

Cope: Whatever…

Will: Coruscant has the largest underground weapons market right next to Nar Shadda, and tons of illegal fighting federations.

Chuck: Really? (Interested now)

Sally: It's home to the biggest, craziest parties imaginable!

Squishy: Only slightly beating out the ones hosted on my resort station, Jawa Home.

Stan: It's also a great place to try foods from around the galaxy.

Squishy: Many of which are offered aboard Jawa Home.

Anna: And the theater! The kind only a rich cultural capital could present!

Squishy: Like Jawa Home.

Hedonist: And lest not be forgotten the ever raunchy orgal gatherings like days of yore, hmmm yes oh yes.

Squishy:...Okay, Jawa Home's beat there.

Jo: Will you stop promoting your freakin' resort, Squishy?

Squishy: Whaaaat? It's a great place to visit, and it can always use some star power.

Chuck: (Oblivious to previous conversation) Okay, so it's a giant hub of culture and technology. What else is special about it?

Squishy: Why, everything else! There's flying cars right there, droids all over the place, aliens like me and Sylvia walking around, the very walkway we're on is suspended by grav propulsors.

Chuck: Oh okay, that whole futuristic/fantasy hook to it.

Stan: Plus the fact that the entire planet is a city.

Chuck: Like I said, fantastic angle going for it.

Sara: There are other planets with other interesting environments worth checking out. We'll show you those some other time.

Jo: No we won't!

Sara: But apart from the aliens and technology and ludicrous scale, Coruscant is just like any other city.

Chuck: Uh-huh. Well, this is certainly one impressive place. Though there's one thing I've been wanting to ask for a while now.

Sara: And what's that?

Chuck: What's the deal with you Jedi having these—pardon any rudeness—velociraptors on your team?

Sally: You referring to us? Technically we're Ssi-Ruuk, but what you said is pretty apt.

Chuck: Yeah, mainly because you look like velociraptors. And I can tell the tall one in the robes is one too by his hands. Anyway, how'd you four become Jedi? I may be a bit ignorant in my understanding, but I was certain the Jedi were mainly humans or human-like.

Sylvia: How it happened is a little bizarre, and Squishy is best-suited for explaining it. It's sort of an unwritten role of his.

Anna: That it is.

Cope: Oh god.

Squishy: Heh. Originally there were no Force-endowed Ssi-Ruuk, but after a certain incident, Sylvia here was given a hefty dose of midi-chlorians, and after she and I got married—

Chuck: Got married?

Will: Here it comes. (Anna snickers)

Squishy: Yeah. The other three—Stan, Sal and Rick—we made 'em.

Sylvia: They're our sons and daughter.

Chuck:...Really?

Sally: Yep!

Cope: Vomit-inducing thought I know. In fact, I'm feeling a bit queasy just remembering it. Urk.

Chuck: Oh, it's not like that at all. It's certainly an interesting, uh, union for sure, but the results appear healthy and friendly enough.

Stan: That's because we are, man.

Anna: Amazing! He's actually taking this in stride; talk about an iron-stomach!

Sara: That's why Chuck's the man.

Chuck: Now don't be too sure. If this was the very first thing you told me after I regained my memories, I would have felt immeasurably uncomfortable.

Sally: Really?

Chuck: That's right. But, after being around you all this long and seeing how you carry yourselves, I can see that you're as decent as any human I've been friends with. Taking offense to how you came into being would be downright rude at this point.

Sylvia: That's a mature way of looking at things, Chuck. Most people immediately think of the physical/moral implications of me and my husband's relationship.

Chuck: Yeah, they would do that. But if they got to know you personally, they'd be beside themselves over how lucky they are to be in the presence of a woman as gentle and intelligent as yourself.

Sylvia: You're certainly a flatterer, aren't you?

Chuck: That's not flattery I'm spouting: Only my honest opinion, cross my heart.

(Sylvia laughs and blushes)

Squishy: Hey hey hey, what do you think you're doing getting her all bothered? She's my lady and I'm the one who's supposed to be laying it on thick with the sweet talk!

Sylvia: Squishy don't be absurd. He's doing no such thing.

Sara & Anna: Not from what we're hearing.

(Snicker Snicker. Sylvia blushes from embarrassment)

Squishy: Weren't we in the middle of a tour, Sara?

Sara: Oh, of course. Moving along.

(The group continues onward. Eventually they come to a gap in the walkway before an airway loaded with speeding traffic)

Sara: Darn. We'll have to wait for the cross walk to activate.

Squishy: This is why we should be installing Man Cannons at these spots. It'll save pedestrians needless wait times.

Cope: It would be grossly expensive to set those up at every cross section, not to mention being absolute hazards to public health you dolt!

Squishy: Bah to your budgets and safety guidelines! I'll make it happen somehow.

(Chuck stands idly by while the group talk, and glancing around, something captures his full attention. His face grows grim and his eyes widen as he beholds a massive square building across the airway with four fixtures towering on its top: The letters Y, M, C, and A)

Chuck: What... is that?

Will: Huh? Oh, that's just the YMCA building for this district.

Squishy: Yeah, you figure you'd be free of them way out here but whaddya know, they're everywhere. That's big business for ya. Unlike the friendly family-operated business done by me and my people over at Jawa Home, where a very dependable staff—

Cope: Okay, now I'm getting annoyed by your desperate pitches.

Squishy: You're always annoyed, Alex.

Cope: Only towards you. And only when you insist on being annoying!

Rick: Sigh…

(Chuck continues to stare ominously at the immense gym complex while the Jedi bicker. All sound slowly mutes out from his ears and his vision goes red as Kill Bill's "Ironside" plays, with Chuck twitching a hateful eye at the abominable corporate establishment. Suddenly, we switch to the inner foyer of said building, whose doors blast inwards to the flair of "YMCA". In a cloud of dust and smoke, a furious Chuck Norris storms in with a Winchester shotgun and begins shooting up the place as survivors and patrons flee and disperse in screaming panic. Tromping through the chaos, Chuck ditches the gun and punches some unfortunate employees with explosive force. During the rampage he grabs a weight machine and tosses it clear across the room to crush some people, then he takes a massive dumbbell and begins whacking people with it mercilessly. In the next room he picks up and tosses the entire lap pool out of the building, water and all. Next he takes a pilates ball and tosses it through several walls, and when the cops show up, he rapidly squeezes two spring stress relievers to make them break and fire into the faces of the officers, then grabs and throws them through the ceiling followed by a few grenade tosses into a nearby office. Outside the building, with fire and smoke raging below and choppers and sirens everywhere, Chuck stands atop the destroyed building swinging around the giant Y while roaring dominantly like a berserk Godzilla, completely unstoppable!)

Will: Chuck? Chuck? Hey Chuck!

(Chuck shakes his head and finds himself back on the walkway facing the intact YMCA)

Chuck: Huh wha?

Will: You looked a little spaced out there. Something up?

Chuck: Oh, I must've nodded off. Yep, nodded off and nothing else. Nothing else at all.

Sara: Ooh, the light's finally green! Let's move, people!

(They continue over a newly formed section of walkway. Once across, a familiar monitor flies up to them)

Ackbar: Jedi! JEDI!

Stan: Oh look, it's the Admiral.

Anna: Well whaddya know, it is. How's it hanging, Ackbar?

Ackbar: Finally I caught up to you. What in the blazes have you been doing all this time?

Sara: Just showing Chuck the city, Admiral.

Ackbar: You've what?! That's the reason you're still not at headquarters? Master Joseph, I am simply appalled at this blatant dereliction of duty!

Jo: I am fully aware of it, sir, and I've been trying to get them back on track for some time but they simply won't listen for some god knows reason.

Sara: Oh relax you two. We're only giving Chuck a good time for just a little while.

Ackbar: Have you taken leave of your senses? What about Sephiroth! You're putting the lives of everyone and everything in jeopardy for THIS?! Utterly preposterous!

Sylvia: Calm down, sir. Nothing dire has been heard of for a while.

Ackbar: NOTHING DIRE?! We've just received reports on three separate planetary assaults committed by one man, costing lives and billions of credits! Does that not sound dire enough, or must somewhere like Mon Calamari get blasted before you recall the threat we're dealing with at this very moment? Would it be dire enough THEN, I ask you! Are you ignoring me? I don't believe this! Don't walk away from me! The lives of a galaxy isn't worth some spur-of-the-moment excursion! And need I remind you that this being a military operation, I am one of your commanding officers, and refusal to follow orders will land you in severe—

(As he's ranting the group continues walking over another cross walk, ignoring him. Once across, the walkway disappears and a hover truck speeds through into the trailing monitor, cutting off Ackbar in mid-sentence)

Cope: Yes sir it's of critical importance but you don't need to go pulling rank like, (Looks behind to see no sign of him) Where'd you go? Meh. (Shrugs and continues with the group)

Chuck: That guy didn't sound too pleased with all of you being here.

Sara: He's just a workaholic like Jo. They never have room for fun.

Jo: I'm not a workaholic. I just follow orders like all of us are supposed to.

Sally: Whine whine whine.

Chuck: Speaking of which, what do you do for fun in this city?

Anna: Oh now that's the right question to ask: Lots of things!

Sara: As a matter of fact, we're pretty close to a recreation site.

Squishy: And we can get there quickly using the wonders of Movie Magic!

(Cheap Powerpoint slide transition. Now we're at a ferrocrete walkway with a stone border overlooking a wide valley of garbage piled up between opposing buildings down below)

Sara: Here we have one of Coruscant's many shooting ranges. But it's no ordinary shooting range.

Anna: A thing you should best know about, Chuck, is that in the Lower City people, mainly bums, are more susceptible to a certain virus that can turn a man into a bloodthirsty mutant.

Chuck: You know, I think I overheard something about that from a Star Wars fan.

Will: Now, you can probably imagine the number of bums that live on this planet.

Sara: And more bums mean more mutants. For a time, their numbers were a major cause for concern.

Cope: Then some years ago the government made a then unimaginable approach to lowering the mutant population. Along with hiring extra exterminators, hundreds of stations equipped with high-powered, stationary rifles were set up at major mutant hotspots.

Anna: The unimaginable part was that regular citizens were encouraged to come to these stations during their free time and take pot shots at passing mutants for a small fee.

Squishy: It was a gamble, but turns out people enjoyed killing abominable monstrosities. These stations became very successful and grossly popular for both middle and upper class citizens, both in terms of reducing mutant population and raising a considerable profit.

Rick: Just shows how barbaric people still are.

Will: It's not that barbaric. Those things aren't even human anymore, so it's honestly pest control.

Chuck: So it's sorta recreational hunting for the citizens here?

Sara: Yes, but much safer than regular hunting, and it benefits the economy while you're having fun.

(Nearby, a patron at one station fires a few charged rounds. A man wearing suspenders walks over to the group)

Supervisor: Well hullo there. We don't see much of you Jedi down here at the range these days.

Sara: It's the work, but not for today. (Hands over a credit card)

Supervisor: Okay I hears ya. The Jedi Discount then, hehe.

Sara: Oh, and include that man right there. He's with us.

Supervisor: A friend of yours, eh? Pretty lucky for him then, and with that size he shouldn't have a problem handling dem rifles. Enjoy yerselves now.

Sara: We will.

(He leaves and the group goes over to an unoccupied gun placement)

Sara: Do you want to go first, Jo?

Jo: Screw you people.

Sally: Moody.

Will: I'll go first.

Squishy: Yeah, the gun expert for sure.

(Will takes position by the rifle's stock)

Will: Someone had this set to Auto-Aim. Better switch it to Manual for real skill.

(Flips a switch and pulls back on the bolt before bending over to look through the scope and take hold of the gun)

Sara: Now it may seem kinda harsh shooting defenseless mutants, but this approach is very humane. A rule here states that all kills are to be headshots if possible, or to put them down when mortally wounded to reduce suffering.

Chuck: Uh-huh.

(We turn to Will looking down the scope. Deep in the refuse valley a stagnant air blows some soiled papers about)

Squishy: Don't forget to have the Coriolis Effect in mind when making the shot boyo, along with temperature and wind speed difference.

Cope: There's no wind here, moron.

Squishy: Oh right. Sorry bout that, mate.

Cope: And it's not COD4 either so enough with the British. It's insulting.

(Down below, there's a stir and from the cover of a building side a scaly humanoid moves out into the open, scavenging the waste. Up above, Will lines his sights on the creature's drooling face)

Will: Gotcha.

(Pulls the trigger, and one second following the report the mutant is blown back dead)

Squishy: Direct hit!

Sara: Awesome shot, Will.

Cope: Impressive.

Will: Hmph. Military experience does have its uses.

(Down at the corpse, more mutants gather round and feast upon it)

Will: Look at that, another round of targets. Who wants a shot next? Stan?

Stan: Er, no thanks.

Squishy: Ooh me me me! I want to do some sniping!

Will: Alright, then get up here.

(He relinquishes control of the rifle as Squishy leaps up to eagerly take hold)

Will: Want me to switch it back to Auto-Aim?

Squishy: Oh heck no! Real men do that themselves! Heheh, pucker up and say your prayers, mutants!

(He takes aim, but the scope reticle shifts erratically over the targets)

Rick: This could get ugly.

(Squishy impatiently takes aim before firing, making the whole rile shift violently from the shot. Down below, the bullet misses and the mutants flee)

Squishy: Oh wowie holy crap that's one freakin' kick, god it scared the heck outta me!

Anna: You missed 'em, Squish.

Squishy: Wha? Not for long!

(Takes hold of the rifle again and goes after all the screaming beasties, firing repeatedly and missing)

Squishy: Hold still dang it!

Anna: What, them or the gun?

Squishy: Shut up!

(Keeps firing angrily until finally he gets one)

Squishy: Woo hoo, I finally got one! In yo face!

Cope: He's still kicking.

Sara: Hurry and kill him already, it's suffering!

Squishy: Oh right right!

(It takes him about four shots before he ends the misery of the maimed mutant)

Squishy: There. It's done. Man my hands hurt.

Stan: You're a pretty sucky marksman, Dad.

Squishy: Well son that's cuz I don't need guns. I prefer close-quarters melee with the ol' lightsaber. Way more stimulating and skill-demanding than any firearm I say.

Cope: Riiight.

Sylvia: Then what did you call that village standoff in the 5th trilogy?

Squishy: Err... A marvelous fluke?

Sara: Anyways, I believe it's Chuck's turn to shoot some mutants.

Will: Yeah man. Show us your skill.

Jo: Hmph!

(Chuck moves over to the rifle, which Squishy vacates. Chuck looks over the weapon hesitantly)

Chuck: I don't want to sound nit-picky, but all of this strikes me as unsportsmanlike.

Sara: Oh? How so?

Chuck: Well for one we're firing from an unreachable position high over the quarry, so there's no danger of any kind for us "hunters". And then there's the Auto-Aim you mentioned that takes away all the effort in shooting, thereby negating the authenticity of a true honest hunt.

Sara: Ah, I get what you're saying. But it's all be—

Chuck: I understand why it's set up like this: this sort of place is for tourists and business types who never go out. It's all for their safety, sure, but I personally don't believe in handicaps. If I'm hunting or fighting something, it's on fair terms only. Meaning I don't need this rifle to have some fun. (Jumps onto border) Excuse me.

(Jumps off and into the trash valley with a fluttering of his trenchcoat)

Sally: Omigosh he jumped off!

Sara: Gasp!

(Chuck lands softly on the garbage heap below and walks casually towards the center of the range. All around him, malformed beings leap and skirt through the shadows. Chuck begins taking off his hat and trenchcoat)

Chuck: If any of you want to take me on, you're free to do so. All I ask is that you fight openly and without any type of tricks, and I'll do likewise.

Cope: Chuck! Those things have lost all sense of reasoning! Your words are falling on deaf, pustule-encrusted ears!

Chuck: I still like to alert my opponents of the conditions.

(He stops when a crowd of mutants block his path some yards away. He flexes his knuckles)

Rick: He's certainly the fair, honorable sort.

Anna: Or just hyped on machismo.

(A brief stand off, and the mutants leap at Chuck. We switch to the Jedi reacting to the sights and sounds of the brawl below)

Squishy: They're on him!

Anna: Ooh not for long; that one punch blew all of them back. Wait, now they're coming from the sides. Sheez look at him wail those freaks!

Sally: Kick kick punch, man, so many broken arms and legs!

Rick: I think I heard a sternum crack. Two in fact.

Will: Now he's got three of them in a leg-lock and choking them to death! I don't believe this!

Squishy: He's just that awesome.

Cope: Now they're coming from above! (Pause) Only to get roundhouse kicked into the buildings.

Sylvia: There's so many corpses; they're beginning to blanket the ground, but still they keep coming.

Sara: Jo, did Chuck just impale five of those things with his PINKY?

Jo: Big whoop... wait, his pinky?

Stan: DUDE, he just rammed a severed arm into one of those things' a** and is using it as a flail! Did any of you guys catch that?

Cope: Yes, and it'll have a place in my nightmares for the next couple of nights.

Squishy: Whoa, that one roundhouse kick blew that one up, and its entrails are getting embedded into all the others. Nasty.

Will: Say, why are we commentating instead of taking it all in quietly?

Anna: The writer's just doing the whole spectator commentary approach to save him the trouble of organically describing it.

Will: Like in the 2nd trilogy?

Sara: Yeah, but that was from the victim's point of view. He never had us do the describing.

Will: Oh yeah.

Squishy: Whoa-ho, that one won't be getting any tonight!

Jedi:..…

(After some more scuffling there is quiet, and focus shifts back down where Chuck stands amid a pile of dead mutants while holding a limp one up. He throws it aside and walks back to the wall, picking up his miraculously untouched hat and coat. In a single bound he returns to the Jedi)

Chuck: Now that's my idea of recreation.

Rick: Impressive.

Squishy: Haaawdcore.…

Chuck: Is there anything else you want to show me?

Sara: Actually, maybe we could do something you like doing.

Chuck: Hm?

Sara: We've shown you what we like to do for fun around here, so why not show us your kind enjoyment?

Sylvia: Get to know you a bit more.

Jo: Don't we know enough about him already?

Sara: Oh please, Chuck; we insist.

Jo: Gra!

Chuck: Well, if it's alright with you, I guess there is one thing you can all join me in doing.

Sally: And what's that?

Chuck: Train.

Anna: Like Total Fitness train?

Chuck: No. I mean, martial arts training.

(Swap over to the interior of a contemporary martial arts dojo. In it are all the familiar trappings of any dojo: training dummies, back wall of mirrors, woodcarvings, wooden signs with martial principles written in various Asian languages, and an air of discipline accentuated with honor! At the front of the room stands Chuck Norris, now in brilliantly white karate garb and black belt. Seated before him on their knees are the Jedi, also wearing white uniforms and belts of varying colors representing different levels of skill. I'll let you guess at who has what =). As Chuck lectures, everyone looks and listens attentively except for Jo, who has arms crossed and looks sourly at the floor)

Chuck: In the art of Chun Kuk Do, one hones body, mind and spirit, as they would with any other martial art. But through Chun Kuk Do one can develop maximum potential, strengthen bonds with family and Country, create goals to better success, and most important of all, learn to be a fair and upstanding figure in life, whether in the eyes of friend or foe. Through the regiments I have developed, anyone can grow to become enthusiastic in life, respectful of authority, and attain the ability and confidence to defend themselves and those they hold dearest, all the while seeking the good in everyone around him or her. By sticking true to the code of Chun Kuk Do, just about anything beneficial to you is possible to take as your own with utmost honesty.

Jo: Grumble grumble grumble.…

Sara: Oh Jo lighten up already. It's much too late to be fuming over a meeting.

Jo: You have to realize that your act of goodwill has landed us in some dojo on the other side of the planet, far from the place where we're supposed to be.

Anna: If it helps, you can try picturing this as preparation for fighting that Sephiroth guy. I mean, The Chuck Norris is giving us pointers after all.

Jo: Sigh. I suppose I can go along with that at least.

Sara: Good. Now stop bringing down everyone's good time and enrich yourself.

Chuck: No doubt you've all experienced plenty of combat and training to get to where you are now, much of which goes beyond the physical limitations of my home planet. As such, much of this training session will focus on imbuing confidence and building self-esteem by way of physical exertion. As I've said before, confidence is key to ensuring the protection and survival of both you and your loved ones, and a wavering constitution is the surest way to face defeat or even death in a tight situation. Which of you believes they may be lacking, and would like to improve themselves? Anyone?

Will: Yeah this guy right here! (Pushes Stan up)

Stan: What? Will what are you—?

Will: He needs a serious confidence booster.

Anna: And get rid of the sheepishness while you're at it.

Cope: And put some hair on his chest!... Wait, what? (Heh heh. Right)

Stan: Hey wait, why're you all doing th—?

Chuck: Stan, right? Come on up to the front with me.

Stan: Gulp.

(He nervously moves to the spot to Chuck's right, looking away shyly)

Chuck: Notice the awkward motions and hesitation? Typical signs of low confidence. Nothing to worry about; it's common among most young people. How old are you, Stan?

Stan: Uhh... thirteen.

Chuck: Really? You're awfully big for thirteen. I take it your brother and sister are thirteen as well?

Sally: That's right!

Rick: Mentally we're in our early twenties. Some of the quirks of our pedigree.

Chuck: Alien biology, I gotcha; no further explanation needed. Back to you Stan, I can see you have an honest look about you, so you might be able to help me and yourself by answering this: Why are you so unsure of yourself?

Stan: Well... I guess it's because, uh, from a younger age I felt like the runt of the litter, even though we're triplets. I always had this fear of heights and for a while was really shy about things. But that's changed over the last few years, so I'm not feeling as unsure of myself as I used to be.

Chuck: Is that right? Mind me asking what brought about this change?

Stan: Uhhhh, w-well, it's a little, uh, sensitive…

Sally: He found himself a girlfriend!

Stan: Bluh!

Squishy: That's right: he rescued a damsel-in-distress single-handedly. Carved up Orochi like he was sushi in order to save her.

Anna: The boy finally grew a spine, in a big way.

Stan: Y-yeah, uh, pretty much that. But I had help during that fight, so it wasn't all me.

Chuck: Regardless, in that moment you found yourself the motivation to fight, to draw out your inner potential. You're still held down by some timidity, but I can train you on how to overcome those lingering inhibitions. Before we get to that, though, I have to see what I'll be working with. Listen closely, Stan: What I need you to do is to hit me with your fist, as hard as you can.

Stan: Huh?!

Sara: Wha!?

Chuck: I know you Jedi are good with lightsabers, but there'll come times when you'll have to use the old dukes. I want to measure your raw strength, Stan. It's essential in determining the proper regiment for you.

Stan: Uuuhhh, I don't really feel, uh, comfortable about hitting you.

Chuck: There's nothing for you to worry about; I won't hit you back if that's what you're thinking. I just want you to punch me as best you can.

Stan: I-I don't know. I'm, uh, not really feeling it.

Chuck: Hmmm. It seems you're far too nice. (Ponders a bit) Well, if you won't do it willingly, then I'll just have to play dirty a bit. (Gives a Texas stare) Stan, you are worthless.

Stan: Huh?

Chuck: You are a complete failure, both as a Jedi and as a person. For you to be breathing the same air as hard-working, deserving people is a grave insult to those very people, and even your family is ashamed by your very existence.

Stan: Wha?

Chuck: I hate doing this, Stan, but direct provocation is often the best way to bring out one's aggression. All of you, join in. Say something to incense him; you know him better than I do.

Anna: He's totally a weakling!

Cope: He's an embarrassment to the Jedi Order!

Will: The guy can't stand up for himself. What a loser.

Jo: Next to my hair, you're nothing, lizard-boy!

Sara: You plain suck!

Squishy:... You're a big scaredy cat. I'm sorry, son, but this is for your own good.

Sally: You have no fashion sense whatsoever!

Stan: How is that? The Ssi-Ruuvi idea of fashion is harnesses and bandoliers.

Sally: At least Mom has the wherewithal to have some color with that cute green fanny pack of hers.

Sylvia: Oh I'm happy you think so, sweetie.

Chuck: Hear that, Stan? Even your allies and kin find being around you unbearable.

Stan: Now that's just taking it—!

Jo: And how did someone as hopeless as you get the hook-up instead of me?

Stan:!

Chuck: That is a good question. He's not cut out to have a girl of his own. Certainly can't risk him breeding a new generation of weaklings.

Stan:..…

Chuck: What did she see in you anyway, apart from saving her life? Lanky figure? A feeble spirit? I'm guessing she digs the pitiful type.

Stan: N-no…

Chuck: No what?

Stan: L-leave her out of this.

Chuck: That actually wouldn't be hard to do, seeing how she isn't around. I suppose she realized you were just too pathetic to stand and ran out in search of a real man.

Stan: S-s-stop it.

Chuck: Or maybe, perhaps maybe, you left the poor girl… unsatisfied, where it counts.

(Glass break)

Stan:!

Jo&Will: Oooooooooooh!

Squishy: Uh-oh.

Chuck: Could it have been first-time jitters? That's probably what you tell yourself every night, lying there alone in bed, pining oh so miserably. Even though you only knew her for, what, a week? Maybe just a day?

Squishy: Uh, Chuck?

Chuck: The way I see you shuddering, it was only a one-night stand between the two of you, huh? And you did such a lousy job of it she wouldn't go for a second date, is that it?

Stan:..…

Chuck: It's one thing to be meek or unfit, but to be so terrible at intimacy you repulse a woman right out of your life. I'm betting you she's with somebody more capable, more competent in meeting her needs, who knows how to treat her right. All while you stand here, shivering, inadequate, like a wimpy… spineless… cuck.

Stan: YOU SHUT YOUR HAIRY MOUTH YOU BASTARD!

(Delivers a powerful flaming punch right into Chuck's jaw, sending him crashing to the other end of the room with tremendous impact. After the dust settles, all is quiet and still)

Jedi:...!

Stan:..…

R. Lee Ermy: Ho-ly Jesus... What was that? What the F**k was That?

Cope: Holy... Stan! What did you do?!

Stan: I-I-I-I—

Will: He just f**king knocked THE Chuck Norris flat on his a**, is what!

(Everyone rushes over to check on the downed guest)

Jo: And he's out cold, too! S**t Stan, we all knew you had some kick-a** in ya but god***, nothing like this! Lord Almighty, man!

Stan: S-seriously? Well he, he shouldn't have said those things, heh heh. (Looks over fist as if both frightened and awed by it)

Anna: Stan beating Chuck Norris in one hit? Blasphemy!

Nerd at Computer: This is madness!

Overseer: Madness? This! Is! STEVE WAAARZ!

(Delivers a kick to the guy's chest, sending him crashing through through the computer screen and tumbling screaming through the chaos of the Internet. Back to the Jedi)

Sara: Wake up, Chuck! Are you alright? Chuck? Chuck! Nooooo!

---

(Inside Chuck's mind at this moment)

Fire... Chaos... Shock...

Everything's a whitish blur, but he knew that he was imprisoned.

"W-where am I?"

Silhouette entered, with plotting eyes, mixed with amusement.

"Who're—"

The one you seek will present himself shortly

"Huh?"

Sneer.

Go get some exercise in the meantime

A lever was thrown, and he found himself falling...

Soon

---

(Back to reality)

Cope: Calm down, Sara, he's only unconscious.

Sara: But is he even in one piece is what I'm asking!

Rick: He looks fine to me.

Sara: Not good enough! (Looks over to suddenly present doctor) Hey doctor! Examine this poor man, hurry!

Critic Doctor: (Looking at hands) Whoa, I'm in the series... Oh, coming I'm coming! (Goes over to group)

Sara: Tell us if he's alright doctor! Please!

Critic Doctor: Alright I will, just settle down, ma'am. Let me see. (Goes over to the prone Chuck and puts his fingers on the throat) Hmmm. I can't find a pulse. I better check his reflexes.

Anna: What for?

Critic Doctor: Because I'm the doctor, d***it!

(Pulls out rubber tapper and moves over to Chuck's legs)

Will: Doc, maybe you should be more—

Critic Doctor: Be quiet! I must do this delicately. Steady... Steady…

(Delivers a small tap to Chuck's shin, getting him a roundhouse kick to the side that launches him out of the building, off Coruscant and spinning through space)

Rick: His reflexes seem to be working fine.

(A moan escapes Chuck, and the dazed warrior arises)

Rick: And so's the rest of him, like I said.

Chuck: Ughh, man…

Sara: Oh Chuck, thank god you're alright!

Squishy: Of course he's alright: he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck: Yeah, I just got the wind knocked out of me. And lost my footing at the same time.

Stan: Hey man, I'm sooo sorry for hitting you like that.

Chuck: It's perfectly fine Stan; you did as I asked. What's unsettling is that it was just the one hit. (Begins to stand up) Agh my head.

Jo: And you gave Chuck Norris a headache! You're a freakin' monster, Stan!

Stan: Heh heh heh.

Chuck: I suppose I asked for it. I wasn't expecting something that fast and powerful. If you can learn to tap into that raw power and direct it, you can easily become a lethal weapon. And as one man of respectable strength to another, you've just earned my respect.

Anna: (Whisper) Take the compliment; it's from freakin' Chuck Norris!

Stan: Uh, thanks Chuck.

Chuck: That girl of yours must be real special if you're willing to go all out like you did. Improve your fighting style and keep her in mind and you'll be an all-around success in no time. And that goes for anyone else that wishes to aspire both in battle and in life.

This Message brought to you through the Graciousness of Chuck Norris' Chest Hair.

Stan: Sure. I'll do that.

Chuck: Sigh. It's a shame though that you won't need a Total Fitness Gym. You're better off.

Squishy: Don't fret, Chuck. You can still sell one to me.

Chuck: I appreciate that, Squishy. I'll be sure to have the company custom make one for your size. (Sylvia giggles at this)

Sylvia: Okay, so we've been around the city and got some sagely advice. What's next?

Jo: More? God you're relentless!

Sally: Maybe we should do something outdoorsy and more physically-engaging, but what?

Cope: Why not the one thing every red-blooded American can enjoy, other than video games.

Anna: Gasp! You don't mean—!

Cope: I most certainly do. Right, Jo?

Jo: For this particular instance, h**ls yeah you mean it:

Everyone: Baseball!

(Now we're transported to a pristine baseball field, and following the group exclamation everyone dashes from the middle of the field and takes places. We then turn to the commentators box)

Guy 1: Good afternoon and salutations casual sports fans and whatever readers were unfortunate enough to stumble upon this inane jumble of words that passes itself off as a story. I'm Dan B****, aka overmind2000, sitting in as special guest commentator.

Guy 2: And I'm Eric SomeGuy. So Dan, how does it feel to finally make an appearance in one of the trilogies you personally brought to the digital medium?

Dan: Fairly jipped, to be honest. I spent countless hours parsing through chicken scratch, literal pages of exposition, unfunny references and skits, uncomfortably outdated dialogue, and I'm rewarded with being plopped down into what has been repeatedly referred to by the creator as the "filler episode". Considering the trouble I've saved him and the amount of my feedback he's implemented, it's very much the insult.

Eric: He did pay you, at least.

Dan: That he most certainly did. Anyway, personal grievances aside, we're here to witness a match between galaxy favorites the Jedi Sluggers and newcomers the Extras Team, which mostly consists of college-goers and high school drop-outs, all taking place at Baseball Lot 48 here on beautiful Recreationia, which as you can tell right away is another sad attempt by the author to be clever.

Eric: That it is, Dan. But unlike the name, today's game promises to be something worth remembering, for the renowned martial artist and famed bad-a** Chuck Norris will be playing for the Jedi.

Dan: It still baffles me why he chose him of all people to be featured in this. Sephiroth is one thing: that's just par for the course. But I can't help but feel he's scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point.

Eric: Well after twelve trilogies it's hard to keep things fresh. Don't forget: the Star Wars franchise began falling apart even before it could finish its second trilogy. You gotta give him credit that, though the references are excessive and the characters interchangeable, he at least kept things cohesive, and even experimented throughout.

Dan: Which is definitely more than can be said about the source material, if its latest trilogy is any indication.

Eric: Devastatingly sad, but unsurprising, if that is indeed true.

Dan: Before we get bogged down even further in needless meta, let's start the game, with Jedi up to bat. No surprise there.

Eric: Not at all. First up will be Will Handerson, the Jedi's gun expert and brother to that one insane writer whose name eludes me.

Dan: And Will is coming up to the plate now.

(Will goes up to said plate like a true slugger)

Sara: Go get 'em, Will!

(Turn to a very short fluffy girl at the line between home and first)

JD: Hey, what's the big idea putting me on shortstop? I know I'm short and all, but lay off already!

Jo: Just be grateful you're finally in an episode, JD!

JD: But I wanted to be a Jedi! Fine fine. Sheesh, just wait until I make my own story involving you guys.

Jo: We all love you very much, JD!

JD: I know ;).

Dan: Pitching for the Extras is Austin Comber: first-time pitcher and all-around boaster.

Eric: Not to mention absolute slob from this update I just received.

Austin: You all suck and you know it.

Catcher: Just throw already, dude.

Austin: Okay Mike, get ready for one massive strike.

(Austin winds up and throws. Will swings and knocks the ball into right field and starts running)

Austin: S**t p***y.

Sally: Go Will GO!

(An outfielder picks up the ball and tosses it to the short girl, who catches it and faces Will)

JD: I gotcha now! (Will takes a leap and clears the girl with plenty of clearance) What? Bull!

(Will slides to first base before the ball reaches him)

Dan: And Will has made it safely to first base. Not what I had expected from a Jedi, but it could've been worse I suppose.

Eric: Now up to bat is Jedi Grand Master Joseph Webbol, although from what I heard his title hasn't been taken seriously as of late.

Dan: Clear dissension in the ranks, Eric.

Jo: Oh shut up! I still have authority!

Anna: Only when we let you.

(Jo takes his place. Austin winds up and throws. Jo swings and knocks the ball over to center field)

Eric: A nice hit by Joseph directly into the empty center of the outfield. The Extras are scrambling to get the ball as Joseph heads for first. Will has just made it to second and now he's going to third!

Sara: Yahoo!

JD: Get him get him!

Dan: Outfield tosses the ball to second, now to shortstop. Shortstop tries to make contact but Will sidesteps completely!

Eric: And shortstop just tripped flat on the dirt. That's not very good.

Dan: And Will casually takes his place at third base, while Joseph remains on first.

Anna: Ah c'mon, Jo, take some initiative!

Eric: Up next: Alexander Copeland. A very solemn-looking sort, isn't he?

Dan: And immensely unremarkable in my experience. Aside from the persistent whining.

(Cope solemnly steps up to home plate and readies his bat, and in a second he swings, hits the ball and takes his run)

Dan: Another swell hit by the Jedi, and with that they have made their first point.

Stan: Go team!

Austin: Pssssh, whatever.

(Sometime later, the score has gone from 1 to 3)

Eric: Here comes the pitch.

(Austin throws the ball which is hit by Stan, who gets excited but the others yell for him to get moving. Over at second, Anna does so)

Eric: Looks like Anna might be going for home. The ball's been thrown from outfield and Anna just used the Force to stop it mid-flight. She's now rounding third. It looks like a clear path, but wait, someone got the ball and is about to intercept her. And she just used the Force again to throw him aside and now she's at home, bringing the score 4-0 Jedi.

Dan: Hold on, Eric: it looks like the umpire isn't too happy with that play and is having a talk with Anna. That run might be considered forfeit. Okay, they're both arguing... and she just Force Lightninged him to ash. Can you believe it?

Eric: Well I can believe that by the asinine rules that keep flip-flopping at any given moment, that act of cold-blooded murder keeps the score at 4-0 Jedi.

Dan: Next up is Sylvia Ssi-Ruu.

(Sylvia goes up to bat, readies and swings, knocking the ball into the glove of the first base-men)

Eric: Unbelievable! It's the first out for the Jedi!

Austin: Yea! Now that's straight!

Sylvia: Darn it. I never get any practice with this game.

Squishy: It's alright honey; we're still kicking butt.

Eric: Now comes Squishy's turn to bat.

Squishy: Ooo yeah!

(The Jawa eagerly runs out of the bunker to the plate, where his batting stance is lower than the catcher crouching behind him)

Austin: Hyaa! Is this for real? Look at how short he is! (Annoying chuckle) No way I can pitch that low, guys.

Squishy: Just gimme your best shot.

Austin: Heh, okay little guy. Just watch him try to reach up for it, god he's just so little.

(Another chuckle and Austin pitches. In an instant, Squishy leaps up, executes a spin and deals a hefty 86% damage to the ball, sending it screaming off into the distance)

Eric: An excellent home run hit by the galaxy's most renowned Jawa entrepreneur! Outstanding! 6-0 Jedi!

Stan: Yeah-heh Dad!

(Squishy shrugs like a know-it-all)

Austin: Well d**n. That totally sucked balls.

(Soon Sally and Sara get a chance to hit, followed by)

Dan: Now comes Richter Jaa-Ruu. Bold, mysterious, and totally not faking it. A regular tough guy in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. No joke.

(At the plate, Rick holds up the bottom of the bat between two claws as though it were contaminated)

Rick: Do I really have to do this?

Jo: Yes you do. Everyone on the team has to bat in order and you're up, Rick.

Rick: I just don't play these kinds of games.

Austin: Oh what's the matter, Rickshaw? Getting cold feet before my machoness?

Rick: Don't call me Rickshaw, and your style has nothing macho to it. (Handles bat like a club)

Austin: Yeah, whatever dude.

(Winds and throws. Rick raises the bat and brings it down, knocking the ball into the ground with such force that it bounces away to the back of the field)

Dan: Wow. That's a h*** of a bunt.

Eric: You could even call it a James Bunt.

Audience: Booooooo HIIIIIIIISS!

James Blunt: You're s***iful! You're s***iful! You're s***iful, F**k you!

Dan: Huh. He's still no Marvin Gaye.

(Back to the action Rick casually walks from the plate)

Sally: Run Rick! Run for first!

Rick: I run for no one.

Mugatu: Rick is so bad-a** right now.

Cope: Dang it, Rick, Run!

(Rick continues to walk along. A player with the ball runs for him, but with a flick of an eye Rick vanishes only to reappear on first in a second, then he does the same for second, third and finally home, bypassing the other two runners completely)

Dan: What the, did you see that? It looked like, like he... Warped just now? Teleportation in baseball is unheard of! Tell me he's gonna get penalized for that stunt!

Eric: But by who? The game is still without an umpire, remember?

Dan: Ah, of course.

(Amidst the confusion, Sally and Sara remember their positions and start making for home)

Mike: Yo, toss it over here!

(The guy with the ball tosses it to the catcher and gets Sally right as she arrives)

Sally: Darn!

(The catcher spots Sara making her run and tosses the ball to third, who catches and takes out Sara)

Sara: Aw shucks.

Mike: Heh heh. You were just a little too slow there.

(A sandal flies in and hits the side of his face)

?: You were a little too slow catching that one, punk!

Mike: A freakin' shoe? Who the h**l threw that; none of this makes any sense. What'd I do to you anyway, whoever you are? To deserve a shoe to the face. Messed up.

Eric: An unfortunate double out for the Jedi team, marking the end of the first inning at long last. The teams will now swap the field, Jedi leading by seven.

(The teams change places. In the middle of the diamond, the Jedi discuss)

Sara: Drats. It stinks that we lose our turn before Chuck could get a swing.

Chuck: Eh, that's alright. I'm not much for batting.

Sara: Well that's good to hear, because I think it's only fair that we let Chuck pitch for us.

Jo: Huh? Why him?

Stan: Hey, Chuck would be a good choice.

Cope: Infinite strikeouts maybe?

Sara: Then it's settled! (Hands ball to Chuck)

Chuck: Uhhh, that's probably not a decision to be taken lightly.

Sara: Don't be nervous Chuck; we know you'll do great.

Chuck: No, it's not that—

Replacement Umpire: Plaaay Ball!

(Everyone disperses and take their places)

Eric: The first to bat for the Extras will be... well this is interesting. Seems the first batter is a respectable Japanese teacher looking to broaden her experiences in American recreation, and is noticeably older than the other players.

Miyasaki: Konnichiwa! I'm new to this basu baru so prease be gentre. Hee hee hee. Excuse my Engrish. It's confusing I know.

(The dainty miss readies her bat. The Rugged Chuck bends over, nods, winds up and tosses the ball. Miyasaki swings and midway through the bat connects with the ball, the impact smashing both bat and batter backwards high into the sky)

Miyasaki: Onegaishimashitaaaaaaaaa! (Sparkle)

Eric: An exceptional home run, but one in the opposite direction... and involving completely separate objects!

All:..…

Chuck: I tried to warn you fellas.

Sara:... Right. We'll simply change pitchers. Will?

Will: Alright.

(They swap pitchers)

Dan: With the Extras down one player, hopefully a more mortal pitcher will give them a chance to stand a chance. Repetition, gotta love it.

Eric: Our next unfortunate victi—I mean, batter for the Extras is the team's catcher Mike.

(A very large stout man with black curly hair and a red sweater steps up to bat)

Austin: Don't mess up Mike; they're all a bunch of p***ies. Get struck out and I'll never forgive ya.

Mike: Whatever, Austin. God.

(He readies the swing. There's the pitch, and the ball is hit)

Dan: A nice right field hit. Should make for a guaranteed first base.

(The massive man jaunts along exhaustively and sweating profusely)

Mike: (Huff, huff) Should've known sandals were a bad idea for this.

(He continues his struggling dash as everyone cheers and hollers. Then suddenly Mike loses footing within his own shoes and falls forward. Squishy, unfortunately, finds himself beside the collapsing mountain of wool and flesh, whose sheer size transfixes the poor Jawa to the spot as the fat man crashes and flattens him. With Mike down, Anna steps over and taps him with the ball)

Anna: Got him.

Austin: Ah that's complete monkey balls!

Dan: And already Team Extra has one out. While the first baseman is receiving some sorely needed consolation and oxygen, let's turn to the next batter.

Eric: Which would be Randy LaGrunge of Primordial, South Carolina.

(A skinny young chap with messy black hair, bulging Cro-Magnon forehead, bushy eyebrows, glazed eyes and a stubby beard steps to plate)

Austin: Yo Randizzle! Been taking the dope lately?

Randy: Ugh. None of your godd**n business Austin. Uga booga.

(Sluggishly raises bat. Will winds and pitches. The ball goes past Randy and is caught by the catcher, then three seconds later Randy swings the bat)

R. Umpire: Steee-rike one!

Eric: It appears the batter is stricken with a severely slow reaction time. It's not looking good for the Extras already.

Randy: I'm not slow, ug! This game just dumb, booga booga!

Austin: Sure you aren't, Randy.

(Another pitch and yet another delayed swing)

R. Umpire: Steee-rike two!

Dan: This is looking to be another disappointingly early out, Eric.

Eric: Ain't that the truth.

(Will readies another pitch)

Austin: Randy sucks penis!

Randy: (Turning to him) I do not; shut the ug up, Austin!

(His twisted body brings the bat around in time to hit the ball over the left side of the diamond)

Austin: Run n***a run!

(Randy throws down the bat and hurriedly runs, although very slowly)

Eric: A lucky hit by Randy, but it may be a short lived one as he very slowly makes his way to first base.

Dan: While hallucinogenics may give one the impression of moving in slow motion, Eric, it can also have the added effect of making them move in slow motion as well.

Austin: Move your a**, Randy! The police are after you!

Randy: Hun-ga?

The Police: I'll send an S-O-S to the world;

I'll send an S-O-S to the world—

Randy: Wunga! F**k the Police!

(Randy breaks into hyper convict fleeing speed and tears around the diamond perimeter as he's pursued by the band and its stage)

Eric: Oh my, it appears that New Wave British rock group The Police have appeared on the field and are chasing Randy past the bases. Another day in the life, huh?

Dan: It most certainly is.

(Back on the field, Randy reaches and halts at home plate to catch his breath, but then flees again and leaves the play area as the The Police relentlessly pursue him)

JD: Score!

Austin: I figured he'd do something right for a change.

Eric: With that run the Extras are finally on the board, making the score 7-1. Up next is...Aw jeez, it's Austin.

Austin: Yuh! Time to make things straight in hur!

(He hops a cocky jaunt to the plate and makes a showy stance)

Cope: Close in, people! He's nothing special.

Austin: Heh. Big mistake, bud.

(Gets serious as he raises the bat and looks at Will. Will winds, pitches and Austin connects with a bang, sending the ball to the back of the field. Austin runs and the Jedi scramble, but the graceless boaster clears base after base without resistance. Soon he nears home plate, leaps and lands squarely on it, raising an arm for a victory pose)

Austin: Yea! Straight to the limit, baby!

(Cheers abound. Suddenly, Enactor slides in a crouch and delivers a brutal fist to the crotch with a malicious smile, felling the braggart)

Austin: Ah s**t, c**k, p***y, b***h, f**k, d**n, s**t, motherf***er, fa***t. Bawitaba ba dang ba dang did didi S**T!

Enactor: For every man is entitled his own personal suffering! Haa-ya! (Leaps away)

Eric: I' not exactly sure what just happened, but Austin looks to be out. Meaning that run didn't count. In fact, let's just end the inning right there and switch back to the Jedi. Say that bit of assault counted as two outs.

Dan: That's probably for the best. Anyway, let's cut to the time progression montage.

(To "Airplane Squadron" from Ape Escape 3 we watch as the Jedi and Extras battle it out baseball style with serious and comical plays. A serious hit by Will, Squishy getting tackled by JD as he runs for first, a saving flip by Sara that lands her on second, a catcher in outfield getting crushed by the Weighted Companion Cube, a home run by Jo, a bus taking out a line of players, a superb catch by Sally, a catcher catching a falling jaguar, the literal home plate taunting, the previous catcher catching a falling pine beetle and then getting blasted by a nuclear strike, though the beetle escapes. In one instant)

G.W. Bush: We are going to win this game. Now watch me make this swing.

(The ball is thrown, Bush swings but loses his grip on the bat, which flies into the chest of Dick Cheney, making him double over gripping his chest and dropping his concessions)

Cheney: God d***it, George! (Hits ground. After a while)

Eric: Now we've reached the last inning and for some effing reason the game is tied 27-27, with just one batter left to go. Dan, I'm suspecting the author is making a last ditch attempt at creating tension in this otherwise one-sided game. Have we finally reached the bottom of the barrel in terms of the writer giving a s***?

Dan: In regards to this side venture I would say yes, but he decided to go through with this in the first place so it's his own d*** fault.

Eric: I couldn't agree more. Unsurprisingly, the Jedi that are last to up to bat, bases empty. They just need one point, one home run to win this game. Isn't that just wonderfully contrived?

Dan: It certainly is, doubly so considering that the final batter is none other than Chuck Norris, who hasn't batted once this entire game until now.

Eric: Saving the best for last, you could say.

Dan: More like the most predictable for last. Anyway, here comes the man himself.

(The great Chuck in his sexy white shirt and Strauss jeans and cowboy hat, at the plate. When presented with the bat, Chuck raises a hand to decline)

Eric: Hold on, what do we have here? Is Chuck Norris refusing to bat? Refusing to play?

Dan: No, I think he's… going to play without a bat!

Eric: Absolutely shocking and mind-boggling, but I guess that's why he's the man. (Chuck takes his stand by the plate) So it's come down to this, ladies and gentlemen: the clandestine confrontation between Chuck Norris and the Extras' replacement pitcher...Patrick.

(Turn to the snarky a-hole at the mound in a black and gray uniform)

Patrick: So here we have the great Chuck Norris? Peh. You're not so tough.

Squishy: Make him eat his words, Chuck.

Sara: I believe in you, Chuck!

Will: T_T

(A quiet stand off. Patrick winds up and tosses the ball, and Chuck delivers a roundhouse kick, hitting the ball dead on. However, it winds up past the right foul line.)

R. Umpire: Foooul one!

Sylvia: It's okay Chuck; just stay calm and clear headed.

Chuck: Right, Sylvia. Thanks.

(Another throw and another kick hit, but this time the ball launches high to the extreme left and goes into orbit. Once in space, the ball connects with a space station, causing a horrific catastrophe set to "Carmina Burana". Back to the game)

R. Umpire: Foooul two!

Jo: Hey quit making bad pitches, Patrick!

Patrick: Live with it!

(Tosses again and Chuck makes another outstanding foul)

R. Umpire: Foooul three!

Patrick: Heh heh heh...

Jo: The nerve of that guy!

Chuck: Relax, Jo. I've got it covered now.

Jo: Eh?

(Chuck bends a bit and conjures a Texas Stare, slowing things to a heartbeat. He scopes out the smirking Patrick and nods up a strategy. Patrick winds, throws, and in slo-mo Chuck delivers a truly expert roundhouse kick, this time sending it screaming into and bouncing off Patrick's groin with a resounding boom)

Eric: And it's a high fly ball!

Patrick: AWW f**kin' d**n, h**l! F**K!

Dan: It's anyone's game now, Eric!

Eric: It's starting to come down right over the outfield. It's going, going, going, it looks as though Wendy Ri might make the catch!

JD: It's all or nothing, Bebe!

(Out in outfield, a cute Asian girl with a cute little baseball cap runs into position and readies to catch. After a second it lands squarely in her mitt)

Wendy: I got it! Wait, this isn't a baseball. What is, OH MY GOD WHAT THE F**K AAGH SICK! (Drops the, uhhhh, "ball" and flips out. Meanwhile, Chuck is fast approaching home plate)

Eric: Here he comes. Here he comes. (Chuck steps onto the plate) And it's good! Home Run Jedi! Jedi WIN!

(The exalted baseball star is rushed by his overly electrified teammates, with "HAPPY ENDING" from Viewtiful Joe playing. Confetti and fireworks go off everywhere and the floodlights around the field explode, adding shimmery goodness to the victory. Over at the loser's bunker)

JD: Man... It figures that they'd win. Talk about a lame debut.

Austin: You said it. Ugggh, f**k my balls…

Patrick: At least you still have yours! Gagh! I swear, somehow I'll get you all for this!

(Two medics take the grievously-injured yet still-insufferable pitcher away on a stretcher. At the winner's circle)

Stan: You did it Chuck!

Sally: We won, woohoo!

Will: Jedi Rule!

Sara: And we owe it all to you!

Chuck: I just had to focus on the ball. And I'm deeply sorry for what I did to the pitcher.

Sylvia: Don't worry about that; you won us the game!

Squishy: Yeah dude! Get in on some major luvin'!

Jedi: GIVE US HUGGIES UWU!

(And so major love showered excessively. Approaching the Jedi arrives a seriously battered and bandaged floating monitor displaying Ackbar in a similar state)

Ackbar: JEDI! JEDIIIIIII! What are you doing?!

Sally: Admiral Admiral, we just won the ball game! Oooh it's the most wonderful—

Ackbar: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! This, ALL of this, has gone far beyond insubordination! You're not even on Coruscant anymore! What in the Maw's bleakest depths has gotten into you, all of you?

Anna: Relax sir, we're just luv—

Ackbar: I CANNOT RELAX! Sephiroth is destroying OUR galaxy and Jared still hasn't been found AT ALL! If you want to be spared the highest court martial and remain sanctioned by the Republic government then you will return to Coruscant imme—

Jo: Oh lay off you fishy wind-bag!

Ackbar: Master Joseph? I demand that you have your Jedi return ri—! (Gets turned off by Jo)

Jo: Forget about it, you geezer! We haven't spent enough time with Chuck yet! Not even remotely!

Sara: Jo!

Sylvia: Do you mean—?

Jo: Chuck Norris is the coolest son a b***h this galaxy has ever seen! His strength, his humility! And anyone who blows the balls off Patrick is instantly a friend for life! I have been converted to the great googily-glory of The Chuck Norris, and I'll be d***ed if we let him leave without showing him a proper awesome time, so enough kid stuff! For the sake of our guest and totally righteous ambassador of hardcore we must indulge in every cool endeavor this great wide galaxy has to offer! This is our day to chill! OUR day to go wild! OUR day to be entertained! Screw the latest crisis and everyone b***hin' about it, for this, my fellow men and women at arms, is OUR DAY OFF!

(What follows is an extended montage of the Jedi and Chuck Norris going to all the corners of the galaxy doing things like shopping, sightseeing, and clubbing, despite the frequent reminders of Sephiroth raising havoc. Instead of going into detail for every little thing they did, I'll just post the lyrics to the song that's playing during this segment. Go look up "Chuck Norris" by Cory "Mr. Safety" Williams on YouTube and sing along. It's both fitting, and genuinely funny. Enjoy ;) )

Chuck Norriiis!

Chuck Norriiis!

He's big(he's big), he's bad (he's bad)

He's the baddest Mother-f***er on the face of the land!

He's big(he's big), he's bad (he's bad)

He's the baddest Mother-f***er on the face of the land!

Chuck Norriiis!

He beat up Godzilla and saved Japan,

Chuck Norriiis!

And he did it blind-folded with just one hand.

Didn't you know that Chuck Norris counted to infinityyyyy...

Three times!

And didn't you know that Chuck Norris invented the internet...

Like thirty years ago

He broke down a house with just one kick,

And he drinks gasoline but he doesn't get sick.

Chuck Norriiis!

He's the baddest-Mother-F**ker on the face of the land

Chuck Norriiis!

I bet you he can run faster than a kangaroo can

He gained five hundred pounds in just one week,

And then he lost it all with just one energy drink.

F**k Brian Boitano; what would Chuck Norris do?

I bet he'd invent a bicycle you could ride to the moon

And then he'd play the online casino: GoldenPalace dot com,

And then he'd win up all their money so he can buy Vietnam

Chuck Norriiis!

He's the coolest Mother-f**ker on the face of the land

Chuck Norriiis!

I think he stole his hat from the Marlboro Man.

He ran to Australia from the United States

While holding an erection for thirty-one days.

One time he got jumped by Bruce Lee and Hulk Hogan,

But you can guess who won and not a word was spoken.

Santa Claus isn't real, but his story is true.

And the presents get delivered by you-know-who.

Chuck Norriiis!

He's the baddest Mother-f**ker on the face of the land.

Chuck Norriiis!

He always finds Waldo.

He can out-golf Tiger Woods and he can dunk over Shaq

And if he was in the NFL he'd be the best quarterback.

I vote Chuck Norris for President in 2008,

Because he kicks really hard and his hair looks great.

And he will always personally welcome you to his official website:

ChuckNorris dot com; f**k yeah that's right!

Who was voted the Sexiest Man Alive in 2002?

say it out loud with me now if you know who.

David Hasselhoooooofff!

All you ladies known its true.

David Hasselhooooooofff!

Knight Rider was f**kin' cool!

But can David Hasselhoff jump over a moving bus, can his nipples

make milk?

And can he take a lump of coal and shove it up his

a** and urinate silk?

No but I think I know who can and he is the man

And he's always been there for us when we've needed a hand:

Mr. T!

"Whatchu talkin' bout"... whoops, I meant

Gary Colemaaan!

Well come on you know I'm playin'.

It's the guy who kicks hard with the Texas stare

With the Total Fitness Gym and really great hair.

Chuck Norriiis!

Chuck Norriiis!

Chuck Norriiis.

Chuck Norriiis...

*End*

---

So the Jedi continue having a good time with Chuck Norris for hours upon hours on that carefree day. After gallivanting around the galaxy enjoying various recreations, the group finally make a stop at that famed and cherished space resort: Jawa Home.

---

(In the middle of a starry space we settle on the aforementioned resort. Inside before an archway, the group stand before the station's breathtaking central atrium)

Chuck: Incredible.

Squishy: It certainly is, my good Chuck. When I first envisioned the layout of Jawa Home, one of my first ideas was to allow everyone on board an unobstructed view of the stars. As you can see, just about any spot here is perfect for a star-studded respite or a star-gazing rendezvous.

Sylvia: Really selling the star angle there, dear.

Jo: You happy now Squishy, bringing Chuck here?

Squishy: Very much so. Ah, and look who's coming to personally welcome us. That there is this station's head technician, maintenance overseer and brother to my darling wife: Steezy.

(Everyone's favorite hip reptile comes over)

Steezy: Well it's about time I got some screen time. You guys left me out of the last trilogy, whoopin' Financer and that one kid without one mention of me. Absolutely no love. (Stops as he registers their special guest) Is that Chuck Norris?

Sally: Yup it is, Uncle Steezy!

Chuck: Hi there, Steezy. You can forget the formalities and call me plain ol' Chuck. Let me say that you're doing a fantastic job maintaining this place. I've never seen a resort this well-kept before.

Steezy: Whoa... Complimented by Chuck Norris. You're not just some paid impersonator, are you?

Cope: It's actually him, Steezy.

Steezy: Uh-uh-right…

Anna: (Whisper) Don't mind him, Chuck. He's not used to seeing big-name celebrities like we are.

Chuck: But I'm not really that big—

Anna: (Snort) You really know how to crack me up, Chuck.

Squishy: Yo Steez, a word. Excuse us, guys.

(Squishy goes up to Steezy and they both move a ways with their backs turned)

Steezy: Holy Crap Squish! How did you get Chuck Norris here?

Squishy: A chance meeting really—

Steezy: Dude he is the hardest of hardcore, man! Like God and Angus Young hard! They say the Death Star was really just a laser pointer reflected off a bare spot on his chest!

Squishy: You know that's a lie because he has no bare spots. Anyway, me and the others have been showing Chuck around the galaxy giving him a good time. Since we're here for a rest stop I thought I could, you know, "show and tell" him a little "history" about the place, and some visual enhancement could really make it engrossing, you get what I'm saying?

Steezy: Uh, a little. I sorta forgot what that's referring to OHHHH, you mean "that"? That could make things pretty tight. Did you have a place in mind?

Squishy: I'm thinking Ithor: it's been a while, has relevance to this place and is great for tourists. You think that can be arranged?

Steezy: Totally. There's not many people here anyway, so an unscheduled detour won't be a prob. Plus it's Chuck Norris! All that talk about you guys not caring, you're totally forgiven. If you let me talk with him.

Squishy: Of course, Steezy. You're part of the group, too.

Steezy: Hey, should I have them use the Emergency Hyperdrive? It hasn't been used for a long time, so this could also pass for a test run. Eh?

Squishy: Sure. Get right on it, my man.

Steezy: Right-o!

(Squishy returns to the group while Steezy goes away looking psyched)

Sylvia: What were you talking about with Steezy, dear?

Squishy: Just sales figures, reservation quotas. So who wants to see the fully-stocked galaxy bar?

Will: Oh fudge yeah!

Sara: C'mon Chuck, let's grab a drink.

Chuck: Okay.

(The group departs. Later, seated at tables with drinks by a long viewscreen, everyone chills by the sight of a lazily passing orange moon far below)

Sara: I never get tired of how relaxing views from here can get.

Squishy: Yup, and it's not always the same view. You see Chuck, a feature of Jawa Home's luxury is the inclusion of intergalactic travel. Every few hours, after the guests have gone to visit whatever planetary body is nearby, Jawa Home makes a jump to another scenic locale. Some of our most popular stops include Corellia, Tatooine, Endor, and my personal favorite, Mon Calamari. (Looks around) In fact, it seems a jump is about to happen right now. (Outside the stars begin to blur and Squishy raises his glass of root beer in a suave manner) Enjoy. (Soon there's white lines of stars)

Jo: Very smooth, Squish.

Squishy: Heh. I know.

(Jawa Home leaps into hyperspace. After a period of unknown time, the station re-enters real space above a pristine turquoise green planet)

PA: Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain Steezy just letting you know that we have now arrived above the planet Ithor. Shuttles to the Tafanda Bay and other herd ships will begin taking off in ten minutes, so hurry and grab a seat for some superb wildlife sightseeing and organic shopping, and have a righteous day! (Clicks off)

Squishy: Oh, I forgot to mention Ithor among our popular destinations.

Rick: You set this up, didn't you?

Anna: Yeah! Casual Squishy never acts this professional!

Squishy: Oh come on, I had no idea. But since we're here, why not pay a visit to some associates and show Chuck another part of the galaxy? A wonderful part.

Jo: Yeah, I did say we'd show Chuck everything. So lead away, Squish

.

Squishy: Great! We will take my private shuttle, handled by one of the best pilots I know.

Anna: Oi it's the both of them that are in on this!

(Later a ship leaves from Jawa Home carrying all the Jedi, Chuck and piloted by Steezy)

Chuck: Hmm... It looks like there's a lot of jungle down there.

Will: Yeah. You see, the people of this planet view that jungle as sacred, so instead of living on the ground they've built ships that float over it as their homes.

Cope: Which I'm assuming we're about to go to.

Squishy: It may be hard to believe, Chuck, but Jawa Home was modeled after one of these city ships. In fact, the keeper of one of these ships actually helped out during the development and construction of Jawa Home.

Cope: Yep, we're going to that one. (Sigh)

Steezy: Oh dude Chuck Norris is here and I'm chauffeuring him dude dude dude—

.

Squishy: Just calm down and fly steady, Steeze. You'll get to talk to him once we're docked, safe and sound.

Steezy: Y-yeah.

(The flight continues through the atmosphere of the jungle planet above cloud-covered canopies, soon getting in sight of a large hovering saucer covered in mossy vines and great glass domes. The craft docks and the group comes to an entryway before an airy high-ceiling thoroughfare laden with various foliage, giving it the appearance of some forgotten ruin, complete with humidity and sounds of nature)

Squishy: Welcome to Tafanda Bay, Chuck: most renowned of all Ithorian herd ships, and also the only one where something in the Expanded Universe took place. Although it wasn't pleasant.

Cope: A mind's a terrible thing to waste, even if it's one that conceived some of the worst weapons of mass destruction imaginable. (Read the "Jedi Academy" trilogy for clarification)

(A hammer-headed Ithorian dressed in spiffy garb approaches the Jedi)

Ithorian: Salutations, exalted Jedi, and a most humble greeting to you, Squishy.

Squishy: Same-though-reverse to you, Keeper Nadon. Chuck, allow me to introduce Tafanda Bay's keeper Momaw Nadon. If you never met a Ithorian before, then here's what they look like.

Chuck: Huuh. That's one of the things from that cantina scene.

Anna: Yeah. Races like his only play in notable roles in non-visual mediums, ie books. Shed a tear for the wee cantina races, for they're deprived a spotlight.

Squishy: Grievances aside, Nadon here was the keeper that helped build Jawa Home.

Nadon: Indeed. A prospect that would help unite a peaceful galaxy even further, and one whose memory of participation I will always honor. A pity though that you hardly ever make contact with me after its completion.

Squishy: Well that's the type of guy I am: Get something done and never want to have anything to do with the people I worked with.

Sara: Wow, cold.

Stan: Harsh, Dad.

Nadon: A shame, for stories of your heroics and exploits have circulated among all the other herd ships. Now, what brings you to Ithor and Tafanda Bay, my friend?

Squishy: I'm just giving my special guest here a tour of one of my favorite parts of the galaxy, perhaps even show them the landscape of your lovely home world.

Nadon: Ah, it honors me that you chose this planet as a noteworthy stop for the entertainment of your guest.

Squishy: Well there's really no other place like Ithor, especially given its ties to the creation of my own financial ventures.

Nadon: Indeed. If you all will follow me, I will take you to the hover boat bay.

Squishy: Excellent. And on the way, you could also regale us with how I came to you with my idea for Jawa Home and what resulted afterwards.

Nadon: It would be my pleasure, though do forgive me if it gets long-winded.

Squishy: Just talk away, my friend.

Jo: Yet another story to endure.

(Annoyed sigh from Cope as everyone starts trailing after Nadon)

Chuck: Say, how do these guys talk, anyway?

Jedi:...…

Nadon: It happened many years ago, in a time when prevailing peace caused the Jedi Order to disband in pursuit of personal interests. Young Squishy came to Tafanda Bay unannounced one day and presented a rather unusual proposition to me. He told me that he happened upon a way to spend the fortune he accumulated up to that point: specifically, he had the idea of having his kind experience the stars as he had in his travels, and to grant that same opportunity to other races.

It was to be a combination of self-sustaining community and attraction, capable of traveling the gulfs of space. He explained that our herd ships were the ideal model for this, as one of our herd ships had proven both space-worthy and profitable. Coming from a Jawa, this type of endeavor seemed bizarre, but he was willing to provide the funds, and the specifications for it promised to be a challenge. Along with it being self-sustaining and space-worthy, he also wanted it to have areas and rooms that could cater to all races known to the Republic, from foods to temperature. He even wanted amenities for a type of reptilian race which I had assumed were Barabels at the time.

Imagine my surprise when he came into the planning room one day with a Ssi-Ruuvi emissary.

Steezy: That would be me!

Nadon: It turned out that Squishy had another goal in mind with this Jawa Home. He wanted a diplomatic platform for all races to come together and enjoy themselves, including the then-hyper theocratic and violent Ssi-Ruuk. There was skepticism as to the station's success for sure, but the added support provided by this once hostile race gave a notable glimmer of hope.

In the year to follow, myself, Squishy, the keeper of the space-faring Bazaar, and our new partner there oversaw and eventually brought Jawa Home into creation. It was truly a marvel of contemporary technology and innovative design that I had never before imagined. Like the Tafanda Bay, it produced its own oxygen and was capable of growing its own food. But additionally, it was built as a luxury resort and cultural exhibition center, with all the facilities of a cruise liner and living quarters that could pass for middle-range apartments. Most impressive of all, the environmental and ergonomic needs of every race could be met, regardless if the guest in question were Human, Jawa, Mon Calamarian, Bothan, or Ssi-Ruuk.

It was the definition of both comfort and luxury space travel. All made possible by one outlandish vision.

Squishy: And exquisite engineering, Nadon. Don't leave yourself out of the equation.

Nadon: My apologies. My position often leaves me commending others rather than myself.

Squishy: I hear ya. So whatcha think, Chuck?

Chuck: Much of that I didn't understand, to be honest. But it was told really well.

Nadon: Your feedback honors me, fair guest.

Squishy: How bout the rest of you? It was a good story, right?

Steezy: Oh yeah, a classic.

Sylvia: It was very nice, Nadon.

Squishy: What about the rest of y'all?

Human Jedi: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Squishy: I tell them this story all the time, Chuck.

Chuck: I bet. It's impressive they're still able to walk at a steady pace, but that's Jedi discipline for you, I suppose.

Squishy: Sal, wake 'em up.

Sally: Sure thing, Dad. Holla-Back Girl!

Human Jedi: Noooooo!

Stan: Good one, sis.

Jo: Sweet googily, I thought I just heard something horrible! Is the story over?

Squishy: Yes Jo, your "torture" is at an end.

Cope: What a relief. Are we at the hover boats yet?

Nadon: We're fast approaching, Master Alex. The next set of hover boats are about to depart, and luckily there's still room enough for all you Jedi and your guest.

Steezy: Alright! It's been forever since I been down there.

Jo: Uh, what makes you think you're coming along?

Steezy: Huhh?

Jo: He said us Jedi and our guest, which makes eleven. Including you would bring it to twelve, which would be too much if I understand Nadon correctly.

Nadon: Yes. There are only eleven seats available at this moment; there is no refuting the math.

Steezy: That's lame! Why do you do this to me: raise me up only to throw me to the ground? (Cuz I make them :) )

Sylvia: You'll have plenty of time to hang out with Chuck when we get back, Steezy.

Sara: That's a promise.

Steezy: Aw sis, don't do me in like that, too!

Squishy: Look at some local produce while we're gone. Please continue, Nadon.

Nadon: Certainly.

(The Jedi and Chuck are led away, leaving behind poor Steezy to weep at his lack of significance for yet another trilogy :'(. Later, in the skies of Ithor, several craft that look like airworthy pontoon boats hover and soar gently through the clouds and down to the jungles below. One of them has the Jedi and Chuck sitting on the bench seats beneath the craft's weather tarp, and at the front standing and holding a radio receiver to his mouth is a cheery campy sort of man primmed and dressed like a sparkly flight attendant)

Host: Hello everyone and welcome to Fantastic Ithor Jungle Experience. My name is Scot and I'm a tour guide in training, but before any of you get nervous I want to inform you that all tour ships are operated remotely by pilots on the Tafanda Bay, so you don't have to worry about me getting us into a nasty spill. (Girly man chuckle) But seriously folks, you're in for a real treat today, for you're all going to get a full view of Ithor's legendary pristine jungles that have gone untouched by technology and calamity for millennia. Although certain now-defunct novels claim that Ithor was utterly torched I say poo on them for being so negative. I don't see scorched earth, do any of you? Yeah, it's all totally silly. (Read "New Jedi Order" books for clarifi... actually forget it, it's too d**n long)

So for this excursion our little hover boat here will descend to about two meters above the planet's surface in a clearing within the actual jungle, so close that you can touch it. But because Ithorians hold this planet of theirs as something super special, the Tafanda Bay Board of Tourism kindly reminds you to not actually reach out and touch any of the plants and animals we may encounter on this tour. As we continue descending I ask that you remain seated until the safety belt sign turns off. It's irritating I know, but safety is important so bear with it a few minutes.

Once again this is Scot saying thanks for coming over today and may you find this journey an enjoyable, unforgettable experience.

(Signs off. The group of ships break off and go in different directions. Soon the clouds disperse and we're presented an approaching jungle-scape)

Squishy: Nature at its purest and finest. Nothing as small as the ones in your world, eh Chuck?

Chuck: Nope. And certainly not as wild looking either.

Sara: It's so beautiful.

Scot: Breathtaking I know. But working on a herd ship for so long and seeing this splendor everyday drains much of the appeal, though seeing other people's reactions never gets old ;).

(The craft begins to level out as it approaches the jungle canopy. Slowing down, it makes for an opening in the treetops and goes down. On the way down everyone looks and observes the exotic flora and scattering wildlife. Soon it comes to a halt a ways above the ground and hovers still)

Scot: Now this is one of the most frequented crossroads for the local wildlife here, so there's a good chance we'll get to see some cutesy critters. Oh, and you're also free to get up and stretch if you want, maybe even find a better spot.

(Everyone mills about the craft trying to find something. After several minutes, though, there's nothing)

Sara: They're rather shy today, aren't they?

Sally: I'm bored.

Rick: Still without any patience it seems.

Sally: Oh shut up, Rick.

Scot: Oh dear, time is nearly up for us to head back, and still no adorable animals.

Squishy: Disappointing. A jungle expedition without animals just makes it a nature walk.

Chuck: Yeah, animals do make things more interesting. Hmmm... Let me try something.

(He goes over to a corner of the craft not covered by the overhang and takes off his hat. He steps up to a mic stand, raises his arms and begins to croon out "America The Beautiful". As he pours out his soul into that song, sunshine radiates from him and his shirt unbuttons a little, revealing a patch of his hairy chest. All around, animals, whether grazing or hiding, perk their ears or hearing holes to the strong gentle voice and begin to move. To the surprise and awe of the Jedi, they witness droves of various creatures coming from above and below to the craft. Deer look up with longing and birds of all sorts perch atop Chuck's spread arms and shoulders, his voice soothing all that hear him, including the very trees! It goes without saying it's a very stirring sight)

Sally: Wow... A voice rugged yet gentle enough to tame the wilderness.

Stan: Killer...

Will: Flippin' beautiful… (Tear to eye)

Sara: What a guy.

Scot: Ooh, quite a set of lungs on this one.

(Cut to a while later, where the ship is seen sailing up back into the sky along with several other distant ships)

Jo: Once again, Chuck Norris made an activity even more worthwhile.

Sally: Hurray for Chuck!

Squishy: Yes.

Chuck: People usually don't give me credit or even acknowledge my singing prowess, so thank you.

Sally: You can so make an album with that voice.

Chuck: Nah. I'm famous enough as it is.

Squishy: Oh come on; how bout just one album at the recording studio on Jawa Home?

Chuck: No thanks.

Scot: Well whatever you're on about, I must say your little show has livened my interest in keeping this job; I can only wish for more guests who emit half the "wow" you do. Anywho, once we get back to Tafanda Bay, all of you will be served herbal tea and Triscuits to round off your swell tour.

Sally: Oh yum Triscuits! First dibs!

Squishy: Could we have something other than herbal tea?

Anna: Ya wussin' out on being healthy for once in your gastronomic life, Squishy?

Squishy: No; I just like sweet drinks, and there's nothing sweet about herbal drinks.

Will: Squish you're such a sugar addict it's not even funny.

Sara: I kn—

(At that instant, a blinding white streak breaks through the sky into the ground, creating a large explosion and shockwave that grows and expands rapidly, causing whatever hover boat it hits to smoke and spiral)

Sara: Yaaaagh!

Stan: What the f**k was that?!

Cope: Jesus look at what's happening! What the h**l is that? An explosion?

Squishy: Dear God it's getting closer!

(The shock field reaches them, violently shaking the ship into a turbulent death spiral, making the sky and the ground a green orange blur)

Anna: Now what?!

Sally: AAAAIE!

Jo: Hang on everyone!

(Dramatic heart-pounding music plays as everyone is pushed into the their seat edges by the G-forces, with Scot hanging on desperately to one of the overhang poles)

Scot: It's only my first day!

(Loses his grip and is flung away. The ship and everyone else left continue to spin round and round and round until finally we cut-out to black, accompanied by the sounds of crashing cracking metal and uprooted dirt)

---

(At first there's no sound. But as the blurs become more distinct, so does his hearing. He only has a bump on his head, but what surrounds him is a far less assuring sight. He lays at the bottom of the wreck's interior, the rest of the craft jutting sharply to a cloudy black and blue. He hears crackling fire, smells smoke. He begins crawling up the metal slope)

Sara? Squishy? Jo? Anna? Sylvia?

Anybody?

(Once past the torn seats he makes it to the edge, and hardly looking down he leaps to the ground below. The impact doesn't hurt him, but the shock snaps him more into focus. Finding his balance, he looks around)

(o/ Hesitation (KHII))

(Chuck stands in a trench of earth gouged out by the crash. All around him plants burned, crackling silently and giving off smoke. For some reason the sight strikes him as morbidly familiar. Then he notices the bodies: All the Jedi sprawled out in different places. He doesn't know if they're unconscious or dead, for they're lying very still. Suddenly his mind is accosted by similar images, only deeper, more vivid, far more frightening. He saw buildings, blood, heard screaming, devastation. They passed all too quickly, leaving him disoriented. He looks around some more, this time over to the column of scattered dust where the explosion occurred. Something's there. Something tall. Unmoving. Ominous. Chuck tries to get a better look. The thing has something sticking out of it. It's... a person. Looking sideways, but he manages to make out the face. Then it happens: He remembers)

---

He stood before a town in flames. The demolished sign on the side of the road read "Ryan". People that were dead, dying or dismembered covered the streets. Pools of blood were everywhere. There was hardly a building still standing; he couldn't believe the carnage.

And hovering above the town square was the one responsible for the slaughter. He hung like an avatar of Death: Black Leather, Silver Flowing Hair, A Long Blood-Stained Sword, and... a sneer of malicious delight. Then he felt it grow, and then escape in full-force: Murderous Rage. He leapt after the killer, seeking to destroy him every way imaginable. Then breezy whiteness…

---

(The recollection hits Chuck like nothing before, practically blinding him. After reliving the entire horrible event, he raises his head and looks angrily at the man before him. It's none other than everyone's favorite One-Winged Angel, Sephiroth!)

Sephiroth: Such an underdeveloped world. The only technology that seems to exist are those floating greenhouses. I suppose I will have to make do with just those.

Chuck: You…

(Sephiroth notices the slowly approaching Chuck)

Sephiroth: A survivor? How interesting.

Chuck: It was you, wasn't it? You were the one that did it.

Sephiroth: Excuse me?

Chuck: You killed them all. The women; the children. No one survived. Not a one. It was just you. The only one who destroyed my home town.

Sephiroth: Hm?

Chuck: Everyone of them dead, and not one building left standing! You completely wiped Ryan off the map as though it was an ant colony, you blood-spilling demon b****rd!

Sephiroth:... I don't recall ever destroying a "Ryan" before.

Chuck: Don't pump me with that s**t! I saw you! Flying with your sword, smiling at me! You enjoyed every bit of it you twisted sick f**k! All those lives you ended didn't mean s**t to you, did they?

Sephiroth: I still don't know what you're going on about. I've never seen you before; if I had, then you would be dead along with that town of yours. I spare no man for, as you said, I find no meaning in the lives of others. They're merely pests I've yet to exterminate.

Chuck: M-monster... Did you do that to other people? Other places?

Sephiroth: More than you can imagine. My will leaves no place, no community untouched. This whole galaxy is no exception, so don't bother running: your end by my hand is as guaranteed as everyone else's.

Chuck: No. That's not gonna happen you mother-f**ker! For all those people you killed, the friends I made and the people I still care for, I'm putting you down!

(Chuck breaks into an angry dash and delivers a mighty right punch that gets stopped by Sephiroth's left palm. The impact creates a wind burst that blows past Sephiroth and extinguishes all the fires behind him. He appears somewhat offset)

Sephiroth: You're no ordinary human.

Chuck: The h**l I ain't! (Pulls back his left fist) The name's Chuck Norris!

(He throws a left punch that's also stopped, followed by an attempt to punch the mid-section that's followed quickly by a super kick. Sephiroth spots it and blocks it, but gets uplifted by the impact and sent a ways back before impacting with enough force to create a crater. Meanwhile)

Sylvia: Uhgh... Squishy?

Squishy: I'm here. You alright?

Rick: What just happened? Did we get bombed or what?

Sara: Urgh... Gasp, Chuck!

(Chuck looks back)

Chuck: Everyone!

Sephiroth: Whoever you are, you're more of a match than those protectors, that's for certain.

(Draws Masamune and runs at Chuck full speed, blade tearing through the ground)

Sally: Look out!

(Chuck turns around in time to duck the horizontal sword slash, which lops off anything taller than three feet close by. Chuck counters with an upper cut that makes Sephiroth flip away)

Chuck: Stay back, all of you!

(Sephiroth now descends from above, sword pointed downward, and Chuck jumps up to avoid an impaling blow that tears the ground asunder. Sephiroth looks up and follows, swinging his steel at the dodging Chuck, who brings them both down to earth using a downward punch)

Squishy: Isn't that Sephiroth he's fighting?

Jo: Dang it, the plot caught up to us!

Will: And s**t is going down.

(From the newly formed crater, Chuck is launched out and lands nearby with another earth-shaking thud, then dashes forward as Sephiroth bursts from the ground, racing with sword pulled back. The two intercept, sword clashing with first, causing Chuck's shirt to explode into tatters. The two then go all out with sword swings, fists and roundhouse kicks, each matching blow creating a blast of air that extinguishes fires and rattles the Jedi, every missed sword strike scarring the ground and every blow deflected toward the ground causing a 2.0 magnitude earthquake. After about a minute of this the combatants disengage to a distance of 200 yards where they stand off)

Sephiroth: Incredible. To think some other Lifestream could produce another God like myself. (Brings sword to face) But there can only be one. (Holds sword straight out to left, evoking a fiery purple aura of evil around him) And I don't intend to surrender my title, or my fun.

(A yellow orange aura forms around a fearsome Chuck)

Chuck: I don't care about any of that: I just want you dead!

Sephiroth: So be it.

(The two break position and run at each other, trailing dirt as they both reach Mach 3. Katana and roundhouse kick collide, causing a shockwave that shakes the air, earth and everything in-between as it expands and spreads to cover nearly half the planet. From the epicenter the two shoot up into the stars as opposing light streaks that nearly graze Jawa Home. They separate then recollide, creating a shockwave that shakes the very fabric of space before disengaging and reengaging repeatedly all over the place. Back on Ithor, the Jedi, with wind-blown hair and gaping jaws, standing in a practically flattened spot of land, look to the sky and watch the collisions between the two godlike bad-a**es go off like silent fireworks)

Rick: I'm guessing there's not gonna be much galaxy left after this...

(Everyone nods dumbly)

To Be Concluded...