Steve Warz: Trilogy 12

by The Compendium of Steve

The penultimate trilogy, folks! Squishy has been plagued with upsetting visions, and a mysterious cult is causing trouble! But as the Jedi rush to quell them, it soon becomes clear that there's a lot more going on, as a shocking remnant from the distant past steps forth to exact revenge with the most destructive forces imaginable! (Transcribed by the steadfast overmind2000)

4. Episode 3

Steve Warz

Episode [Armed]:

Deep & Hardcore

or

Unprecedented Face-Off

Dear Sweet ZOMGIMINY GESMOIGENY, Batman! It's crazy-awesome s**t central in the SW universe as the ultimate showdown of Über Bossery has commenced: Between FF7 Sephiroth and Texan Superstar Chuck Norris! What was supposed to be a relaxing day-off for the Jedi had given way to an epic clash of apocalyptic proportions!

As the two mighty pillars of awesomeness duke it out across the expansive battlefield that is space, the fate of the galaxy is looking very uncertain, although a complete flattening is a definite possibility! From a distance, the Jedi can only observe and follow the untouchable combatants as they make solar systems into their playgrounds of destruction. How will this epic struggle end? Is there any hope at all? Eh, your call. Now ACTION! (See? Told ya I'd make it shorter this time. Not by much, though :p)

(Drop down to a tranquil airless moon in space with stars in the distance. There is a brief twinkle amid the lights before a massive crater forms on the face of the moon, scattering lunar dust everywhere. Within the crater, a shirtless Chuck Norris shakes himself off and looks up in time to launch from the surface before a gleaming slash tears the ground where he stood into a massive canyon. In open space he takes on an orange/yellow aura and spots his attacker a quarter of a light year away: The one-winged Sephiroth, smirking and holding his long sword Masamune out. Chuck fires off at him, as does Sephiroth, so that they meet several hundred kilometers from the afflicted moon and lock arm and sword with enough force to generate a wave of deadly kinetic energy. The two hold firm against each other until Chuck manages to grab an arm and give a mighty throw, followed by a hyper-speed roundhouse kick that sends Sephiroth into another star system populated with some habitable planets. Quickly reorienting himself, the villain conjures a Meteor and fires it at an oncoming Chuck, who breaks through with his fists. While he re-engages Sephiroth, the chunks of Meteor speed off in separate directions, either drifting away or colliding with planets. Sephiroth blocks all of Chuck's CQC moves with his sword and shoots up to try a downward slash, but Chuck disperses the slash and meets his opponent to deliver a punch that sends Sephiroth into a nearby planet with meteoric force. On the planet, Sephiroth waves his sword full circle, generating a vast ring of fire around him. The encircled tract of land gets launched into the sky like a rocket, popping a big hole in the planet in the process. With this earthen missile in tow, Sephiroth faces Chuck's direction and readies his sword. In seconds the two are face to face again, steel and palm canceling one another into a standstill, the force of which causes the uprooted landmass to explode into a torrential cascade of dirt, vegetation and rock. Afterwards the two enter a pattern of exchanging blows and zipping to different parts of empty space in endless repetition that shows no signs of slowing down from either side. A good distance away, the eclair-shaped Century Sparrow warily bobs and follows the ongoing melee. Onboard, the whole ten member Jedi team look on with apprehensive awe)

Stan: Those two are still at it! Neither one getting an advantage, either.

Will: Not since Financer first came here did I think I'd see anything so destructive and over-the-top. Only this is raw: two straight-up forces of nature going at each other.

Sara: It shouldn't be like this! Chuck doesn't realize the harm he's doing with this fight. We have to snap him out of this before he does something really bad!

Cope: We can't risk getting close to those two as they are. The concussion blasts alone could send us spiraling into some star. Not to mention the risk of getting between the two!

Sally: (Shiver) Über smoosh.

Sara: Well what do we do: Just stand around and do nothing?

Jo: Precisely, Sara. It's all about waiting for the right opportunity. Something should present itself... though I cannot say how long it'll be.

Sara: But everything could be hopelessly demolished by then!

Anna: It wouldn't be the first time.

Sylvia: Never stops one from feeling frustrated over the matter.

Rick: Agreed.

Squishy: Bugger.

(Outside, the fighters remain at a blistering stand-still. Then two small red pixelated ninjas walk in from opposite sides of the stand-off)

Sylvia: Hey, what are those things?

Anna: Chibi-ninja?

Squishy: Wait, they're Final Fantasy ninjas!

(The two totally conspicuous ninjas crouch and sink a ways down before dramatically leaping toward each other diagonally, both trailing a blue ribbon to form an X before the combatants, who take notice. At the height of their jumps the ninjas stop to make some rapid hand gestures)

Pixel Ninjas: Witness-Protection Sealing Jutsu!

(They flash and the ribbon X bursts into a field of electricity that entraps and paralyzes the two warriors. As the crackling streamers hold them in place, more pixel ninjas leap up from below, followed by the rumbling approach of an ascending, massive dome-shaped space station. On the Sparrow, everyone is taken aback by this sudden shift)

Stan: More of them! And something's behind them!

Anna: What's going on now?

Will: (Utterly dumbfounded) What the h**l?

Pixel Ninja: Subpoena Chop!

Will: Gur!

(Cut to black)

---

(Will awakens)

Will: Uhh, man… Who snuck one on me? Jo?

Jo: Hey Will. You feelin' alright?

Will: Not completely. Guess they got you too, huh?

Anna: Not just him.

Will:?

Cope: We all were attacked.

Rick: And very likely captured.

(Dramatic zoom out to show everyone standing inside a barred hanging cage, bunched up within some room with data terminals sporadically placed below)

Will: D**n. You really think so?

Rick: I was being sarcastic.

(Show floor area, where a few pixel ninjas look up stoically at the captives)

Will: How long have those guys been there?

Sara: Since we woke up.

Sally: They haven't moved or blinked at all this whole time. It's really creepy.

Squishy: And they got our lightsabers somewhere. This cage is surrounded in a Force-nullifying bubble as well.

Will: Well that sucks completely. Any idea why we're here?

Sylvia: Not one. We don't even know what happened to Chuck and Sephiroth. They could also be here for all we know.

?: Correctomundo! And very close to you at that.

Anna: Oi, that voice!

Squishy: Hon it's—!

Sylvia: I know.

(Down below across from them, a blast door lifts up and vapor seeps through. There's a sound of hovering and footsteps as several things enter, catching the attention of the watchful ninjas. Foremost to be recognized is the one in front: walking casually in robes akin to a modest chancellor, to the ominous tones of Emperor Palpatine's Theme, approaches the somewhat stout, somewhat tanned short-haired good-humored former Jedi turned latest trilogy antagonist Jared. Accompanying him to his left and right are two capsules hovering upright to show Chuck Norris and Sephiroth in blue lit stasis. About halfway between the cage and the door Jared and his prisoners halt, and the semi-Latino man looks up at the Jedi with a smirk)

Jared: Fellow Jedi of better times, we meet again, this time a little more properly. I was waiting for all of you to be awake so we can all have this friendly chat. It's rather hilarious thinking how quick and easily you all got captured. I wouldn't have bothered setting up that trap on Korriban or rounding up the Hellish Frowns had I known how effective this approach was, but live and learn. And it was still a hoot toying with you before you even knew what was going on.

Cope: You come to bore us to death with talk? Or do you really just love hearing your voice these days?

Jared: Mmmm, a little of both. Though I have to admit, playing the villain has filled me with an insatiable urge to spout nefarious exposition at every given opportunity. I can see why every villain we ever fought did the whole big speech spiel: it's deeply satisfying.

Ann: Yeah, but you only had to put up with less than two trilogies worth of villainous gab. Try dealing an additional nine's worth.

Sara: The tenth one was especially wordy, between Orochi and Henry.

Jared: Yes I'm aware of all those additional foes and exchanges you had, and right now I don't feel like flying off the handle with seething rage over more reminders of the life denied me, so I'll be moving along, k? (Jedi nod) Good. So first things first: Everything I'm doing here is strictly for revenge at your easily forgetting my existence, and nothing you say will change my mind or feelings so save your breaths. Now here's how said revenge will finally be carried out.

Squishy, I have to come clean: I wasn't entirely forthcoming about my overall plot. Everything about sacrificing Sylvia to bring Sephiroth under my control was all true, don't get me wrong. However, I left out the other half of my scheme. For you see, I planned on exacting my vengeance with Sephiroth and Chuck Norris under my sway.

Squishy: Wha?!

Sara: Say what?

Jo: Er!?

Will: Hm?

Anna: ¿Qué pasa, muchacho loco?

Jared: Yes, you heard me right. Call it overkill, but Chuck Norris, in conjunction with Sephiroth, were going to help me destroy this backstabbing galaxy. In fact, amid my myriad of steps in obtaining Sephiroth, I made it a priority to get Chuck Norris beforehand, since celebrities don't require any picky rituals to bring about. This is where I get all wordy, by the way.

Sara: Go on ahead, Jared.

Stan: Appreciate the warning.

Jared: Thanks, Stanworth. So, the Chuck Norris part of my plan:

Getting him was simpler than Sephiroth, but not much easier. The laws of this universe, as I've come to learn in my bleak absence, permit random celebrity cameos at any given moment, but like lightning they're just as unpredictable and you never know who it'll be who pops in. With that in mind, I chose to go after Chuck myself instead of waiting for him to show up "naturally". Finding his universe of origin—the version I wished to utilize—wasn't a problem. I learned a few tricks about dimensional hopping during my stay in the void, so a few minutes of looking and I was there. Then a dilemma struck me at that moment: How exactly was I going to take Chuck back with me? One option was to use force and capture him there, but that was immediately canned due to one notable fact: The Chuck I wanted had strength and power far outweighing all recorded Jedi, past present and future. If I tried to pull the ol' kidnap routine, he'd immediately rip me in half and use my upper torso as a scarecrow.

So another tactic was needed. That's when the old saying dawned on me: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". The part about leading was what struck me most, and so I decided I needed to give him a reason to come to the galaxy by his own volition. So the question became, how?

The answer came to me in practically no time. Putting on the Sephiroth costume you saw me in before and taking a replica Masamune sword, I took it upon myself to slaughter and completely devastate Chuck's hometown just as he was coming for a visit.

Upon seeing me before the carnage, the humble Chuck became a crazed berserker and sought my hide. I left through a portal and as expected he followed suit, only on the other end was a stasis capsule—much like this one—which I used to contain him, and from there I wiped his memory and kept him on standby until the time came to put him to work.

Anna: Whoa whoa whoa, you slaughtered Chuck's hometown just to get him to come here? Way overboard, Jared.

Will: How did he ever get that twisted?

Squishy: Solitude does that to a man. His words.

Cope: Yeesh.

Sara: Jared, why would you do that to Chuck? Just why?

Jared: (Lazily looking over hand) Oh, it could be considered me releasing whatever remaining pent-up aggression I still had against this Republic of ours. Or you could call it calculated misdirection. Since I was in disguise, Chuck would believe that it was Sephiroth who massacred all his loved ones, meaning it would be him he'd be gunning for instead of me. It also served as a neat little countermeasure: If Sephiroth ever got out of my control, I'd just send Chuck in his direction and "zow!", that's one disobedient tool out of my hair.

You still following me?

Sally: Yes. It is absolutely devious and wicked.

Jared: Why I'm happy you think so. But, as often with large ambitious plans, a flaw or two is bound to show, as Squishy and Sylvia can attest. I failed to make Sephiroth my servant, was in fact made a fool by him. With a mind as intelligent and brutal as his, I can understand why so many fanboys put him on so lofty a pedestal.

But I still had Chuck, so my next order of business was to have him eliminate Sephiroth. But as I said earlier, I had erased Chuck's memory to keep him more easily contained, so I couldn't release him right then. Especially not when there wasn't even a planet to drop him on.

Thus I decided on a new course of action: Tailing you guys. I managed to escape Korriban and get to my cloaked headquarters parked a ways from the planet before it went explody, and picked up your ship as it made its jump. I followed you over to Corellia where you had crashed, though you all managed to survive to my disappointment. Then I was struck with fresh inspiration as to how to salvage my scheme.

It's funny how I keep getting these ideas out of the blue, y'know? The darndest thing I tell ya.

Cope: Just get on with it.

Jared: Very well, this idea of mine: How to get Chuck into taking out Sephiroth. Since you Jedi always tend to chase after whatever threat is plaguing the galaxy, then it's a no-brainer you'd be pursuing Sephiroth. And while you're doing it, why not bring your friendly wandering Chuck Norris along to lend a hand? With that in mind I awoke Chuck, gave him a vague message and jettisoned him onto Corellia.

With Chuck on terra firma, I then went about assembling some retired henchmen and held a little gathering near the back end of Coronet, where I rightly figured you would all enter. You would then come across my convention and I would have you "assailed". One of Chuck's deepest instincts is to fly to the rescue of whatever person or persons may be in trouble, and since you were quite outnumbered, he naturally leapt in to "thwart" my attack.

Sylvia: So that convention of henchmen—

Jared: A set-up, to get you Jedi and Chuck to meet in a seemingly naturalistic and random manner.

Rick: And the part where you rocked out?

Jared: I've always wanted to try Guitar Hero for awhile, and I needed to stall for time until Chuck arrived. Two in one, one and done.

And that's how I implemented you lot into my vengeful design. You all were made into couriers, unknowingly tasked with escorting Chuck to his battle with Sephiroth. I hadn't expected you to take so d*** long to do it, though. Still, what's important is that you eventually brought Chuck to ol' Sephy, and as I had anticipated, the two got into a tussle that would surely destroy the both of them, or preferably just Sephiroth.

However, after watching their fight from a distance for some time, it occurred to me that these two were in fact unkillable, even against themselves. So now I had two supreme beings wrecking up the galaxy without my direction, which just ruins the whole point of my revenge.

Fortunately, this little problem was more readily resolved. As they were solely focused on killing each other, they were ripe for recapture. So I made a quick trip to 8-bit Theater and "employed" a few dozen Lawyer Ninjas from there to help in their recovery.

Squishy: Ah! Lawyer Ninjas, that's what it was!

Jared: Then you understand just how hopeless you, or even these powerhouses, were in avoiding capture. For nothing alive can withstand the lethal combination of legality and the killing arts!

Jo: Gr, so evil!

Jared: So ingenious, you mean. In fact, all of you be honest with me: wasn't my adaptability just downright awesome? So many times things came undone, yet I step up and work it back in my favor. For a guy who's been in the hole for almost two decades, that's dang impressive.

Will: Yeah, a bit.

Cope: I'm more impressed by how heinous you've become. In what little time we had together, I never thought you had that sort of sinister streak in you.

Sylvia: You definitely had some contingencies thought out, which cannot be said for a lot of the foes we faced in the past.

Jared: Yes, I appreciate you for acknowledging that. And I'm awfully sorry for trying to have you skewered in front of your husband earlier… Just kidding. (Chuckles) That whole damsel in distress act was priceless. "Oh, what's happening? Help me!" That cracked me up to the verge of tears.

Sylvia: A**hole.

Sara: Regardless of your adaptability, Jared, using Chuck like some weapon is plain rotten. Also, having other people's original creations do your dirty work isn't real genius. That just labels you as an 110% unoriginal no-gooder!

Jared: Unoriginal? (Scoffs) Do you know where we are right now? There's hardly anything in this universe that hasn't been liberally borrowed from someone else's work. H**l, my very first introduction was a scene ripped straight from Monty Python's Holy Grail. Granted, having a Jawa mate with a lizard and a robot monkey get sodomized by a traumatized head-case are pretty original ideas, but I have my standards! Besides, those creations I'm borrowing are merely actors. It takes real creative vision to utilize them in a unique, wholly original manner. Therefore, everything that I've accomplished thus far was all me, baby!

But I've waggled my tongue long enough. I shall now retire and come up with some fresh way to put this universe into ruin. Once I've set the galaxy on a course of destruction, I will then return to commence the various tortures I've been dreaming up for each of you this past year. These Lawyer Ninjas will see to it that you don't set foot out of that cage before then.

Until that time—be it a day, week, or another year from now—I bid you adios, friends. Enjoy the peace while it lasts, because there will be no rest when I return. Only sweet, sweet agony delivered by yours truly.

(Does an evil chuckle and turns back for the door. Close to it, he stops and looks over at the Chuck Norris capsule)

Jared: Pfff. F**kin' Chuck Norris.

(He resumes walking, followed by the capsules. Once gone, the blast door shuts closed and some Lawyer Ninjas take up spots in front of it)

Rick: Well that makes things a little more troubling. To think you guys would forget someone so dastardly.

Sara: He was never like this. Back when he was with us, he was more of a pal then a Jedi.

Anna: And even then he never showed that much cunning, much less the capacity to pull off a plan like this.

Squishy: And also he was nowhere as calm as this back when I faced him on Korriban. He had been irritable and hungry for blood. And he was a gloating fool on Corellia, at that. How his mood could change so wildly in under a day... There's definitely something fishy about him.

Jo: Well that fishiness won't help get our butts out of this cage.

Will: No lightsabers or Force abilities. This could be a hard one.

Sally: We could gnaw our way out.

Stan: No, sis.

Sylvia: Your brother's right, Sally. Besides, we don't know where these bars have been.

Cope: Hmm. The gap between the bars is pretty wide.

Anna: No it's not.

Cope: Over here it is.

Squishy: That's only because of how skinny you are, bony.

Cope: I still have more muscle than you, cream puff!

Sylvia: That's it! Alex, you can slip through the bars!

Cope: What?

Anna: Yeah, like the time we shoved ya down that vent shaft in trilogy seven. Your skinniness can be of use once again!

Sally: Slimming saves another day!

Cope: I'm not degrading myself like that again.

Anna; You won't have to; just walk through the gap. Or do you need a push?

Cope: No I can do it myself, darn it. I'm gonna try it now.

Sally: We're counting on you Alex! Don't bloat on us here!

Sara: Do it, Alex!

Cope: I'm trying, already! Eck, hrm, gah. Yah! Give me a break!

Stan: You stuck, Alex?

Squishy: He's gonna need to be pushed.

Anna: Yeah. Give me a hand, Will.

Cope: No just keep off all of you! I just have to squeeze a little here.

Jo: Well hurry it up, Alex!

Cope: You try negotiating between two thick bars of metal, Jo!

Jo: Okay I will! I'll just have my hair chisel me up some room, how's that?

Rick: Could you stop arguing, please?

Will: Yeah, you two can go at each other after we get out of this.

Cope: He started it!

Anna: No one cares! Now get on with it!

Cope: Okay okay! Geh. I think I'm starting to get there. God it's tight. (That's what he said… wait)

Stan: Hurry!

Sara: You got this, Alex!

Cope: Just give me a second! I think I'm about th—

(Pop. Cope breaks free of the cage and drops through air, hitting the floor flat with a groan)

Squishy: Oooh. Faceplant.

(Cope slowly gets up)

Lawyer Ninja1: Look! A suspect is trying to flee before the prearranged trial date!

Lawyer Ninja2: The appointment for public tribunal must be upheld! Converge, blood warriors of law!

Lawyer Ninjas: Hoi!

(As Cope stands, pixelated ninjas surround him)

Lawyer Ninja3: Hold it right there, perp!

Lawyer Ninja4: Are you aware of the consequences for running out on a court-ordered appearance, because I can tell you they are quite severe!

Cope: Crap, I'm cut off.

Sally: They've got you surrounded, Alex!

Cope: I just said as much, Sal!

Jo: If you don't do something quick they're gonna annul your a**!

Cope: Well what am I supposed to do; I'm all open for suggestions! I have no lightsaber and the Force can't handle all of them!

Stan: Dang, he's screwed! Hey, you could use your fists!

Cope: You serious? I'm against freakin' ninjas, Stan! I throw a punch and my throat gets cut. I have no fighting style or equipment whatsoever to dispatch them!

Squishy: That's not true, Alex! You still have one thing that could help!

Cope: What thing?

Squishy: It's the one thing only you have and nobody else does, and it'll surely do a number on these ninjas! Jo knows what it is.

Jo: What do you… Ah dip, you mean that thing? Alex! Now's the perfect time to use your secret weapon! The one you developed back in the Academy!

Cope: What the heck are you going on abou—

(Realization hits him as his eyes widen and sweat forms)

Anna: Nooo! You don't really mean…. Are you serious?!

Jo: Yes Anna: That.

Jedi: GASP!

(Dum dum DUM! The shock passes Cope quickly as he brings his head down with clenched teeth)

Cope: No, no way! I'm not doing that! Why'd you even bring it up at a time like this?

Squishy: Because it's the only thing that'll get us out of here!

Cope: No! I won't accept that something that insane is the only way out!

Will: But it is, dude! Now quit hiding it and use it already!

Cope: Never! I won't consider it! I won't even acknowledge it!

Jo: Denial isn't gonna help you here, Alex!

Anna: We know it's a bad idea, but it's your only option! Only the unthinkable can get us out of this one!

Squishy: Trust your Force, ya sissy!

Cope: DON'T CALL IT THAT! God-almighty, don't mistake my respect for decency for fear! Why can't you all understand that?

Sara: We do Alex, but proper behavior is the least of your problems!

Squishy: Just do it!

Will: It must be done.

Stan: Just do it, man, whatever it is!

Cope: You're not a part of this, Stan; you have no idea what's being discussed!

Jo: Come on Alex!

Cope: No!

Anna: Alex!

Sally: Help us, Alex!

Jo: It needs to be done NOW, Alex!

Cope: Screw off, Jo!

Sara: Alex, our lives and that of Chuck's are at stake! Are you telling me that you're really that selfish about your image that you'd let us all die?

Cope: No Godd*** it it's nothing at all like that!

Sara: Then hurry up and help us the one way you know how!

Cope: Graaaaaaaah! I honestly can't believe I'm being backed into a corner like this! You arranged for this to happen, didn't you Contractor, you deranged son of a b***h!

Lawyer Ninjas:?

Sylvia: Please Alex. It can't be that bad.

(Hearing those words, Cope takes a deep breath and sighs in defeat)

Cope: D***it all to Hell.

(He straightens himself up, closes his eyes and enters a stance that radiates concentration. In slow dramatic fashion, he raises his right arm from his side, moves his hand to his front, and very delicately lowers it downwards before stopping)

ZIIIIIIIIIII-PPER

(Suddenly, a massive long black bar with "CENSORED" in bold white letters typed on it shoots forward into the ninja crowd, smacking a few of them into the far wall. Their eyes bulge, and at the other end of the intimidating rod stands Cope, a look of grave embarrassment etched on his reddening face)

A World of Hurt:

Copeland's WANG!

Human Jedi: (Fear & Awe)

Rick: …

Sally: Ohhh myyyy Gawd…..

Sylvia: (Dumbfounded by miracle of virility) T-that's his….

GIF Reaction Guy: That's a penis.

Squishy: Yeah, I probably should have warned you guys about that.

Stan: I have no words...

(Down below, Cope swivels a bit to the right before twisting leftward, bringing his "weapon" into a menacingly wide swipe)

Lawyer Ninja: Now that's not an appropriate means of—

(Gets whacked aside by the wang, along with several of his comrades. Cope swings the monstrosity like a free-handed club left and right and even downward, scoring home-run KOs and crushing poor ninjas)

Jo: What you're witnessing is the full, penetrating mastery of true natural male enhancement that is: Copeland's Wang!

(One unfortunate victim of this unyielding trophy of manhood is smashed straight into a far console, destroying it. The cage bottom swings open and all the Jedi fall out)

Sara: You did it Alex, we're free!

Will: Yeah, you can put that thing away now.

Cope: (Struggling with member) It won't go down; it's too freakin' stiff!

Sally: Huh, normally you wouldn't think that'd be such a problem.

Cope: D***it, Sal!

(The ninjas recover around the group)

Sylvia: Uh-oh, their initial shock is wearing off. And so is mine, surprisingly.

Jo: Leave that thing out Alex; you'll still be needing it.

Cope: What!?

Jo: We're gonna have to fight our way out with the tools we have on hand.

Cope: Oh gimme a break! I've done enough as it is!

Sara: We just need to remember Chuck's teachings, everyone.

Will: Good idea! That ought to do the trick!

(Everyone adopts a karate stance, joined shortly by a struggling Cope)

Squishy: Let's get it on.

(Some soothing 70's music plays accompanied by airy vocals as the Jedi stand before the sizable Lawyer Ninja force. Then to the soulful sounds of "Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting", the heroes do just that. In all directions the Jedi take on multiple pixelated foes, using the ways of the ancient Chinese art. They all fight with kicks and chops that are a little bit frightening, but all done with expert timing. Will's style is a bit more blunt with heavy punching, but Jo and Sara's are more graceful, even pairing for a brief combo attack. Cope fends off whatever foes get past his fearsome dipstick, Squishy's all over the place like a crack monkey, and the natural might of the Ssi-Ruu and Jaa-Ruuk find no trouble in wailing on the ninjas. Anna, being chased by two ninjas, runs up a wall, leaps, and crushes both of them with her thighs)

Anna: Whatever works!

(Jo meanwhile pushes several ninjas back, who then got bowled over by massive "wood". Will's busy bending and cracking limbs, even going as far as writing his initials with twisted ninjas. Rick's swift and deadly, Stan holds his own, Sally employs some dance moves, and Sylvia's legs send torsos flying. Some ninja stars are thrown at Jo, but with a quick whip of his hair the weapons manage to find their way back to their owner's faces. After making some room, Sara is confronted by ninjas with throwing knives. Offstage, someone throws her a sword, and using it she deflects the knives, cuts down a few ninjas and in one quick sleight punctures a chest with her arm and pulls out a heart. Staring at it with some amazed disgust, she shrugs and bats it away with the sword, severing it into two pieces that take out two ninjas above)

(The number of ninjas dwindle rapidly under this coordinated onslaught. Amid the chaos, Squishy takes a moment to put on some medical gloves before running out into the fray. Yelling, he leaps in a flashy style, lands before Copeland's wang, grabs the end of the censor bar and exerts a mighty tug)

Cope: YWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGH!

(Dead silence)

Lawyer Ninja:….Dude…

(A mortified Cope sails by, knocking down all the remaining ninjas in a massive sweep. Squishy releases the "instrument", letting it get stuck into the floor nearby, shrinking and disappearing Mario-style, leaving a foaming Cope lying flat on his front. Looking around, the Jedi regroup to see the place littered with the bodies of Lawyer Ninjas, save one. They give a curious stare, and after looking around, the lone survivor drops dead. Final Fantasy victory music plays)

Sally: We defeated the enemies!

Will: Heck yeah, we kicked their a**es!

Jo: Chun Kuk Do rocks!

Sara: We weren't actually taught it, but who cares! This is all for you, Chuck!

Cope: …..

Squishy: Alex get up, we're victorious!

Cope: You, b****rd….. grabbed it…

Squishy: Yeah, it was a pretty awesome finisher—

Cope: You… swung it…. Hard…

Squishy: Things were already way crazy, I just wanted to end it.

Cope: Never….. touch it…. Again! Ever! Or I, will, KILL YOU. You got that?

Squishy: Yeah, Alex. Never again. Sorry.

Cope: D**n you... Jawa...

Jo: Uh-hum! If you two are done, we need to get leaving before something else messed-up comes around.

Sylvia: We have to stop Jared as well.

Sara: And save Chuck.

?: There won't be any of that happening!

?2: That's right! You are all in serious trouble!

Jo: Sigh, too late. (Looks around) Whoa!

(Across from the group stands a group of five persons in a V formation, all of them wearing the exact same spiffy business suits, but wearing different colored and styled Sentai masks)

Will: Am I seeing things?

Stan: No you're not!

Anna: I don't believe it! It's really them!

Jedi: The Legal Rangers!

Founded on a shining ideal, this group of strong-minded heroes sought one thing: The practice and preservation of justice in all its forms. With each member representing a critical part of law, this panel of experts have fought endlessly in upholding this desire, their actions and accomplishments made into instant legends among lawmakers and law abiders everywhere. Whenever an individual or group perpetrates an act that would sully the good name of legality, they come like a stalwart wind to right that which has been wronged, and place judgment upon any offenders in the most exemplary display of professional legal conduct. This band of lawyers who chose to rise above the call of duty, to inform all men and women of the rights that protect them, who have sworn their lives to uprooting the most diabolical of perjurers and law-breakers, are simply and forever known as:

The Legal Rangers

L Ranger 1: Stand down, Jedi! You are to be addressed of your wrong-doing by The Elite Prosecuting Agents:

Group: The Legal Rangers!

L Ranger 1: Your crimes and the precise severity of them will be deliberated and decided upon in a span of one to two hours, and will be delivered to you by our expert public speaker: Fair Jury.

Fair Jury: Unlike most, I never get hung up in delivering the group's decision!

L Ranger 1: Afterwards, Detainment will administer the appropriate punishment.

Stan: W-wait, what did we do wrong?

L Ranger 2: Don't give us that! You know well of your crimes!

L Ranger 1: Key Evidence is right. We have proof that you have been violating copyright.

Jedi: Huh?

L Ranger 1: In fact, you've been cited for this same indictment for a very long time. However, we have come in regards to the reckless use of item "Lawyer Ninjas".

Key Evidence: Which are the sole creations and property of Mr. Brian Cliffenger and Nuklearpower dot com. Also on the list of misappropriated items you have a Mr. Sephiroth, trademarked character of Square Enix.

Detainment: Such impermissible use of intellectual properties demands review by the highest of courts.

L Ranger 1: But because the US Supreme Court is unavailable to oversee these proceedings, we,

Rangers: The Legal Rangers!

L Ranger 1: Will take responsibility in settling this case forthwith.

Jo: Hey now wait, we didn't steal any of those properties. They tried to kill us just now!

L Ranger 1: Also, abuse of aforementioned properties will be taken into account. You will have the chance to present your testimonies when we require it, but for something this open/shut, I don't think it'll be necessary.

Legal Ranger 3: But wait, Habeas Corpus. The outcome of this case may land them twenty years in a federal prison. The very least we can do is let them present their side of the matter.

Habeas Corpus: Very well, Fifth Amendment. I'll let them speak their case. But make it quick, criminals.

Sally: We didn't take those Lawyer Ninjas, Mr. Legal Ranger. It was Jared who did it.

Habeas Corpus: Pardon?

Will: That's the guy you ought to be taking to trial. He was also the one to make off with Sephiroth.

Habeas Corpus:….I haven't heard of a Jared being involved in this. Were any of you aware of this Jared?

Fair Jury: It may be a ruse, created out of the fact they're cornered.

Squishy: No he's not! Jared was once a friend we all forgot about.

Key Evidence: Unlikely. Jedi share close bonds with one another.

Sara: But it's the truth. He even took Chuck Norris.

Legal Rangers: Gasp!

Fair Jury: Chuck Norris?!

Sara: Yeah! Jared went to his hometown, killed everyone and brought Chuck here to be used with Sephiroth in destroying the galaxy!

Anna: We were accessories to his plan. Unknowing accessories!

Sylvia: He tried to have me killed in order to capture Sephiroth!

Cope: So why would we want something that could kill us? Honestly.

Habeas Corpus: I don't believe this. A person's very image, used in a negative manner by some other individual. And that's including the other crimes we mentioned.

Stan: Yeah, and he used those Lawyer Ninjas to catch the other two.

Habeas Corpus: Misusing creative properties in order to make off with even more? We have gravely overlooked the vicious nature of this crime!

Fair Jury: Unthinkable.

Jo: And the guy responsible left five minutes ago, and right when we were about to follow him you leap in and start making accusations that aren't even worth a lick of crap.

Habeas Corpus: Sweet State Bar of California, for once we overstepped our own proceedings and arrived at a bad and hastily-made decision!

Fifth Amendment: That's why you allow the prosecuted to speak for themselves, Corpus.

Habeas Corpus: We must amend this posthaste! The Jedi are hereby declared innocent, and all of our efforts are to be focused on apprehending the real criminal.

Detainment: Are you sure about that? What of the other infringements the Jedi have committed? And the incident involving former Lord Decider Dudas?

Habeas Corpus: Those are matters which we will address after we put a stop to this Jared fellow. Jedi, lead the way to the culprit.

Cope: Gladly.

Squishy: But we still need our—

Sylvia: Found them!

(Sylvia carries in and returns everyone's sabers)

Anna: Man, Jared really sucks at disposing these things.

Jo: Alright gang. Time for some payback for this payback.

Jedi: Yeah!

(Everyone exits the room. They cautiously but quickly walk through the curving hallway outside, following the trail of lights built into the sides of the floor. Soon they come to a straightaway that leads into a massive spherical chamber, with a mesh catwalk circling the outer perimeter in the center, and other smaller catwalks encircling that at different heights. The air's abuzz with whirring electricity, for the bottom of this chamber holds some sort of pit spewing mists of steam. As the group reaches the catwalk, they see high above two identical pods being lowered by large robotic arms, the very same pods holding Sephiroth and Chuck. And watching their descent on a platform across from the group is—)

Sylvia: Jared!

Jared: Ah, I figured you guys would find some way of escaping. And I couldn't have asked for better timing: I just thought up the perfect solution to my captive bad-a**es dilemma!

You know how neither of them would want to do my bidding, or even die? Well I thought I could reformat them into something more compliant, while at the same time making them into an even more potent killing machine. The ideal, all-in-one tool, you could say.

(The pods get lower, nearing the pit)

Jo: You can't be serious!

Jared: That's right, Joey: I'm combining these two suckers! A loyal mastiff beats out two unruly pit bulls any day is what I say, and I aim to make the beefiest, nastiest mother of all!

(Throws out hand, and the two pods lower into the pit, the robotic arms retracting empty-handed as the sound of nefarious machinery rises)

Fair Jury: An unauthorized fusion! And there's no telling what legally abominable creation will result!

Fifth Amendment: Considering what's being combined, the result will assuredly be absurd in every sense of the word!

Habeas Corpus: Now is the time to act and end this ongoing violation once and for all! Legal Rangers, Ho!

Legal Rangers: YOSU!

(The sharp-dressed legators dramatically leap in formation from the catwalk and fall gracefully into the pit. A brief silence, then a great blast is heard as all the Legal Rangers are fired out from the pit)

Habeas Corpus: Court's in RECEEEEEEEEEEEESS! (And they're gone)

(The Jedi edge over to the railing and look down at the pit. A thunderous orchestra plays as great searing light begins filling the pit, steadily brightening until beams of light shoot out)

Jared: Yes! YES! It's happening! (The beams become more numerous and there's a rumbling) Two immortal minds, focused solely on combat, congealed together into the ultimate fighting spirit! Never before has such a feat been done before! Only through me has this been made possible! (Now there's shaking as the music becomes more grandiose) Feast your eyes and tremble at the true harbinger of all your suffering and doom!

(Suddenly a screeching guitar and drums join as the area around the pit begins to rupture with light. Then electricity fills the surrounding air and thunder accompanies the growing music until finally the light within the pit erupts into a single encompassing veil that spreads all around, then arising up within it with the cry of an eagle appears some sort of man)

Jared: Allow me the pleasure of introducing the ultimate in Bad-A**ery & Guaranteed Galactic Ruination! Here he is: Chuckeroth!

(The thing in the light breaks free and lands on a platform sticking out in the bottom half of the chamber.

(The creation stands 6'4'' with bronze skin and the air of Ares. The face is as square as the most coveted Adonis, with flowing brown hair, crisp blue eyes, and a very sharply trimmed yet abundant beard. Black leather pants with flaps attached to the sides and black Texan boots clad his firm, sinewy legs, while the upper body is covered in a simple tight black sleeveless vest, unbuttoned to reveal his rigid, hairless, chiseled abs and chest, his pumped arms which sport a manly layer of hair, and fists as massive as a bear's. On his back are a pair of glorious wings resembling that of an American eagle, only a shade darker. And this burly, limber package goes by: Chuckeroth)

Sara: Oh my gawd…..

Jared: Truly the manliest man-god Ever! And it's not just looks either!

(Chuckeroth looks up and stares coldly at the Jedi. Then he quickly raises his right hand, and within his open palm light and dark energy gathers, builds, extends vastly and forms into a great 20-foot long claymore!)

Jedi: S**T!

Jared: Attack them my Chuckeroth; hold back none of your fury!

(With that, the ripped creation pulls back his massive blade and launches at the Jedi with speed that instantly freak them out. The simple act of halting his charge is enough to make the structure rattle violently as the bearded harbinger brings down his sword. The Jedi are violently dispersed after barely avoiding the blow, and while "Advent One-Winged Angel" continues to play Chuckeroth beats his marvelous wings to give chase. Bouncing off the surrounding walls voluntarily or not, the Jedi scramble to get away from the approaching annihilator, who hastens his pursuit. Soon he has Sara and Cope cornered and readies another strike. Cope raises his saber to defend, but the oncoming wind blast preceding the blade blows him out of the way, and upon impact Sara manages to make an escape as loads of metal and wiring erupt around the weapon. Rick tries to intercept the embedded sword with his saber, but Chuckeroth raises it deftly as though it were a machete, then zips backwards to the other side of the dome arena to initiate a charge with his sword that lodges him and it into the wall opposite him in seconds, knocking Rick away. Anna pounces to the side of the sword and brings her saber against it in hopes of slimming it down, but it meets resilient resistance, and without hesitation Chuckeroth retracts and raises it up before leaping down to a lower part of the arena)

Jo: Anna and Rick's got the right idea: Get on the offensive!

(Once landed, Chuckeroth is immediately assailed by the surrounding Jedi, but as they lunge in with slashes the swordsman uses the bottom part of the blade to block and knock them away, and like a one-sided game of Pong they're sent away without getting him to move an inch)

Sally: HeeYAAA! (Flies in with a kick but is denied with a painful clang) Owie my foot! ^

(All the while Jared laughs and laughs. Down below, some of the guys have regrouped and are running at the Adonic destroyer)

Will: Time to cut him down!

Jo: Killer Slide!

(Immediately they all drop either on their stomachs or backs with lightsabers aimed at Chuckeroth's exposed legs. But he leaps away and curls into a muscular ball and rolls, turning him and his sword into a wrecking ball bouncing all over the place, resulting in major bedlam for our heroes. Stopping his technique and upon landing, he begins rising slowly up into the air, pointing his sword before him as it begins to emanate flowing, humming energy)

Squishy: Look out everyone!

(Upon stopping mid-air, Chuckeroth whips his sword downwards, and from it a pillar of concentrated doom pours down and blasts into the ground, spreading out and covering every surface in a sheet of flaming electric inferno, which the Jedi miraculously avoid by jumping all at once, and Jared as well by backing from the edge of his platform)

Jared: Yaii! (Composing self) How's that for ya, Jedi?

(After the flames smolder out, the scorched walls begin to expand as Chuckeroth floats toward the very center of the area)

Sylvia: Why are the walls expanding?

Squishy: It's him that's doing it! And that big-a** sword too!

Sally: That thing's so freakin' big we can't scratch it!

Stan: Hopeless!

Will: Not completely. The sword may be big and impenetrable, but I doubt the wielder is just as impervious.

Anna: Yeah, except he's doing a d*** fine job of swinging that flippin' thing to even let us get close.

Sylvia: That he is!

Jo: We just need to move faster and get up close to the b****rd! If Alex can be reached, so can this guy!

Cope: I'm right with you, wait what!?

Jo: Attack!

(Several of them leap up but are swatted away by the claymore. A few Jedi run along the outer catwalks to get under Chuckeroth. As they run the perimeter, balls of different elements form along the hilt of the claymore and are fired at the oncoming Jedi, making them side-step, jump, slide and zig from the raining destruction to the desperate sounds of "Doomsday Zone". Chuckeroth next zooms far along the catwalk, pulls his sword up and back, then brings it down into a grand swing directly at the Jedi. Without time to dodge the Jedi attempt to halt the blade with their sabers, but the massive blade keeps going, taking the guarding Jedi with it! The swing begins a spin that goes after the other Jedi. Sal manages to duck it, but Stan trips up and falls onto the flat side of the blade near the middle. Squishy backs up a bit before jumping and landing on the tip, just as most of the caught Jedi are cast away. However Jo and Will manage to get up onto the blade and along with Squishy start to run up it toward Chuckeroth at the other end. The sword's speed has steadily been increasing since its first rotation, raising the wind resistance against the three charging heroes. Squishy gets blown off by a gust while Jo and Will continue forward. Anna at this point leaps up to avoid the spinning blade, but in doing so collides with and knocks Will off the sword. Jo gets past the middle, where Stan remains clinging to the sword. Seeing Jo make an effort, Stan pulls out his saber and tries to get up, but loses his grip and is flung off. Raising his own saber, Jo steadfastly approaches the hilt. But once near it, Chuckeroth triples his torque speed and that sends Jo flailing away. Chuckeroth finally stops, his abrupt halt creating a loud thunderclap and burst of air)

Jared: Hahahahahaha! Tossed around like so much useless garbage! None of you can touch this guy! Now, finish it up already you mindless, unstoppable stud!

(Chuckeroth solemnly nods. Far below, Jo gets up sore and groaning but relatively intact, but that soon changes when a shadow overtakes him and he looks up to see Chuckeroth dive bombing straight at him, claymore raised)

Jo: Whar!?

(Chuckeroth brings his sword down hard)

Sara: Joooooo!

Squishy: Gasp!

(Show Jo standing perfectly alright with the sword edge resting atop the front of his hair)

Jo: What? You forgetting that I made my hair utterly invincible?

Jared: WHAAAAAAT?! That's F**kin' Ridiculous! It Can't Be That Strong! Swing Harder Chuckeroth! I Want That A**hole Dead!

(Pounds angrily on platform railing. Back below, Chuckeroth pulls back and delivers another quick blow, which bounces off from Jo's hair. A question mark pops out of him before he starts swinging repeatedly, each strike rendered useless by Jo's locks)

Jo: Keep swinging big guy, but no matter how insanely powerful you get, nothing matches the durability of my hair. You're simply SOL, pal! (Ker-plunk! Cold sweat) Oh crap! Quick, somebody toss me a quarter! Anyone HURRY!

(Chuckeroth readies another cleave, but this time Jo sidesteps it. He sidesteps two more frantically and ducks a third, only to slip. Chuckeroth pounces on his chance to strike. A sound of severing, and off to the side a lone tuft of curly brown hair lands softly, much to Jo's dismay, as he's now missing a noticeable chunk of his forward do)

Jedi: Gasperation!

Squishy: Not his mini-pompadour!

Jo: (Devastated) Not again…

Jared: Maaaahahahahahahahaha!

(Obviously getting a kick out of Jo's loss. However, something odd is taking place on the tuft of precious hair. It begins to lose shape and dissolves into several round purple things. What was once hair has now broken into several small purple ghost things with peace symbols and wiggly hair!)

Spirits: groovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroovegroove—

(The groove spirits lazily float up towards Chuckeroth. Eventually they converge on Chuckeroth's sword, attaching themselves to different places on it still murmuring their mindless chant. Once latched, they begin wiggling like drunken bugs, and to everyone's amazement a shade of purple spreads from them onto the blade. In moments the wiggling has reached a fervor as the spirits envelop the sword in some freaky purple bubbly froth. And just as suddenly as they had appeared, they had finish their wiggling and disappear entirely, along with the entire 20-foot claymore!)

Jedi: …. (Dumbfounded)

Jared: …..What the f—

(That's right! Chuckeroth's sword has been destroyed by the very essence of Jo's funkadelic grooviness! How's that for ya, Convention?)

Sylvia: So… his "stuff" was in his hair all along?

(Touched) Jo: My Mojo… (Snaps out of it, leaps dramatically backwards, lands and dramatically points) That's why you don't f**k with the hair! (Gleam off his somewhat ruined hair)

Jared: …...HUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!?

Anna: Awesome! Now he doesn't have anything to protect him!

Cope: Let's get in and—

(Stan runs by)

Stan: He's mine!

Cope: Huh?

(Through the ranks, Stan speeds forward, saber drawn and zeroed in on the swordless Chuckeroth)

Stan: I'm through with holding back! I've been playing it safe for too long; I'm gonna show my confidence and let it rip! This is my moment to shine; to put an end to this fight; to save everyone once again!

Wherever you are in there Chuck, I'm real sorry it's come down to this. But I'll make you proud by Stopping You!

(A running yell as he approaches Chuckeroth, who stares at him unerringly. And as he readies to strike him down—)

CHIN-

FISTED!

(You've read it right, folks! Without warning, a mighty fist springs out of Chuckeroth's manly beard and socks Stan on the right side of his face, punching out his clock along with one of his teeth! The poor up-and-comer flies back before tumbling and crashing some yards away, utterly knocked out)

Squishy: Holy crap!

Anna: Did I really just see what I just saw?

Will: The rumors were true!

Jared: Rumors? Those rumors are actual fact, you dope! My creation has made them so!

(With a single flex of his pecs, Chuckeroth blows his vest to pieces, standing fully topless)

Cope: Stan was just being too reckless; he's still wide open!

Jo: Yeah! Close in and watch the beard, people!

(The remaining warriors leap and charge at the hunk, passing a dazed and bloodied Stan)

Stan: Mehewa marmalade hee hee…

(All at once the Jedi pounce on Chuckeroth, but are warded off by his powerful swinging arms. Sara leaps in with a downward slice but Chuckeroth leaps back, only to have Will bearing down to intercept him. Chuckeroth raises his left arm as Will swings, and unbelievably the searing blade of the lightsaber stops right against the defending arm, not even singeing a strand of hair on it. Will only has time to show a look of surprise before Chuckeroth shoves him away, sending him flying a good ways back. Rick jumps up to try but he too is stopped mid-swing, this time by the right arm, pushing him hard back down to the ground. Chuckeroth lands smoothly close by and Rick makes a running attempt and swings rapidly, but all his hits are deflected by his foe's more rapidly responsive arms. Squishy tries to go for the legs as this is going on, but a back raise of the leg thwarts this with a punt counter. Back to Rick, Chuckeroth delivers a glancing blow that's enough to throw him back with the force of a typhoon wind. From the side, Sylvia charges and Chuckeroth leaps high, and in an instant raises his right arm to catch the incoming stab from an airborne Sally. Then he brings up his left to stop Sara's attack from that side, and now with both arms preoccupied, Jo and Sylvia leap from below sabers raised. But the cool, resourceful powerhouse crosses his legs, his left to absorb and cast away Jo's attack and his right to ward off the approaching Sylvia. He proceeds to disengage himself from his two female distractions, throwing out his arms and sending them in flight. Behind and rising quickly, Cope seeks to clip his grand wings, but sensing danger a mile away, Chuckeroth spins around and throws his right fist, connecting with the tip of the lightsaber, halting both sides for a split second before Cope is repulsed and flops hard onto the ground. Getting up on a knee and catching his breath, he observes the others jumping up and failing to deal a blow)

Cope: Where's a Final Smash Ball when you need one?

(He stands up and rejoins the fray. The battle remains one-sided as attempt after attempt is made pointless by Chuckeroth's swiftness and seeming invulnerability, giving Jared more to laugh heartily about. At some point Chuckeroth executes a powerful round-house kick to clear his immediate area, but flying full-speed from the side comes Anna)

Anna: Let's see how you like a thousand volts to the brain, buster!

(Fills her arm with Force energy that focuses within her hand, then with a yell she thrusts a sparking index finger at her target. Chuckeroth casually turns to her and raises his own pointer, and the two fingers connect to form a mock representation of "The Creation of Adam" in midair. After a moment, Anna suddenly lights up with black and blue sparks that rattles her in comical fashion before she blasts back down to earth [figuratively :p]. In a heap and with seriously fizzy hair, she mopes)

Anna: (Whining groan) Frazzled again. Poop…

(Chuckeroth descends, alights, then touches down, maintaining the stance and look of an archangel)

Squishy: I don't get it! Why's he invincible?

Cope: He didn't need that sword of his to make us look like fools. It's as though that fusion gave him serious hax.

Jo: Or it's just that Chuck Norris is plain indestructible. Did we ever once see him bleed, or even say ouch?

Sally: Stan was the only one who decked him, but he's down for the count. What do we do now?

Will: What else is there to do?

Jo: We just have to keep at it until some weak spot shows itself.

Sylvia: Will we even still be standing when that happens?

Jo: Only one way to find out!

(They resume the trying struggle of no gain. Up above, Jared smiles down contentedly)

Jared: It's like I said: Untouchable.

(The fighting goes on. But then!)

?: My my, what do we have here? The valiant heroes struggling?

Sara: Huh?

?2: That's what it looks like to me.

?3: What the f**k gives?

Jared: Who's talking? Where?

?2: It seems to be giving them a serious run for their money.

?3: But he isn't even doing anything, d***it! Blarg!

(Everyone stands and looks around for the source of the conversation; even Chuckeroth looks above and around with his cold yet soft stare)

Will: What's going on?

?1: Regardless, it does appear some worthy competition has finally come around. Shame we can't be having any of that.

?2: Heck no!

?3: A-REE KEE KEE KEE KEE!

(Suddenly, from the darkness of the rafters, a fireball launches at Chuckeroth, who notices with barely enough time to jump away from its point of impact. But after landing, a hail of thunderbolts comes down to greet him, prompting another dodging leap. Landing on a knee, he immediately springs into a dash to elude the trail of bullet holes erupting near him and the surrounding structures. After it ends)

Jared: What the freak—?

(Dropping from above and landing with tremendous heft some yards from Chuckeroth, little flames dissipate around the hulking form of a scaly being sporting a large green spiky shell, thick claws, chain bracelets, horns, red hair, big white eyes, and a set of razor sharp teeth set in a mocking sneer)

Bowser: Who gave you permission to screw with MY enemies?

Jedi: D:

(Across from him, in a great burst of smoke and lightning, there alights an odd being no bigger than eighteen inches and made entirely of pixels and distinctly flamboyant colors, accompanied by an even more distinct laugh)

Kefka: Yeah: OUR enemies! (Laughs again)

Jedi: 0_0;!

(A grappling hook then punches into a nearby steel beam, and down the attached zipline slides someone else with increasing speed, who detaches from the line, mid-air flips and lands like a skilled gymnast. Standing tall we see it's a man wearing black slacks, a black combat vest and dark blue undershirt, sporting sunglasses, short blonde hair, and holding a TMP machine gun)

Wesker: All those who stand between us and our prey face dire consequences. (Tosses TMP away)

Jedi: !?X_X?!

Squishy: All three of them?!

Kefka: You just always have to make the cooler entrance, huh?

Wesker: (Shrugs) Style comes naturally to me; what can I say?

Bowser: Oh puh-lease!

Jared: What, what the f**k is this? More video game characters? Why are there—

Wesker: That's enough out of you, chaff. Your pitiful attempts at diabolical conquest have gone on for long enough.

Jared: …Chaff?

Bowser: Yeah! It's time for the pros, which happen to be us!

Kefka: Fo shuh!

Anna: Oh my god… It's really those three. T_T

Wesker: Greetings to you as well, Jedi. It has been an age, hasn't it? I see you're looking well: Depraved Lizard Sylvia, Horny Jawa Squishy, and Richter old friend. Decided on giving up the pursuit of villainy, have you?

Rick:...Yeah.

Bowser: Heheh, it's been a while since I was last here: back when you had me stomped out by that big-a** dragon.

Kefka: Well that's far better than being eaten, digested and then resurrected, only to be cut down after three breaths!

Wesker: Seems I'm in no position to say anything.

Bowser: That's right. At least you died by an explosion!

Kefka: But exactly how it was executed is the real kicker for hilarity! (Laughs)

Bowser: Ohhh, now I remember that. (Chuckles)

Wesker: Yes, a memory that still brings amusement even after the thousandth remembrance. (Heavy sarcasm)

Sylvia: Excuse me, but what the heck are all of you doing here, when we're in the middle of something?

Wesker: We didn't come to harass you if that's what you're suspecting. Nor are we here on someone's orders. Our visit here is a personal affair that doesn't concern you.

Kefka: For now! Kee kee!

Sara: What's that supposed to mean?

Jared: What is going on here? Who gave you permission to barge in here and stop the thing I've been working to see—

Wesker: What did I just tell you, worm? Still your tongue!

Jared: At least say why the h**l you're HERE, in my space station!

Jo: Yeah, why are you here?

Wesker: Hmph, very well: straight to the point. A short while ago, the three of us "felt" a sudden shift within this galaxy we greatly despise.

Bowser: Something extremely powerful had been born here, and at once we all knew what it was: (Points at Chuckeroth) That guy!

Kefka: Aie, his powers peaked so high it nearly matched mine back when I had God-status. I actually shivered! But only slightly.

Bowser: We knew it had to be a bad guy because, (mock grunt), like good guys could be that freakin' overpowered. Not without cheat codes, anyway.

Kefka: So we have this thing walking around with power and awesomeness greater than even my own, in the place where our unanimous enemies live, so what does that mean for us? Trouble is what!

Wesker: As I said earlier, we can't have any sort of competition among us. You Jedi are our heroes to contend with.

Bowser: Uh-huh. Having some newbie go and destroy all of you before we can, that would be bad. It'd make us look like losers!

Jo: And you're not already?

Kefka: Worst still, once you b****rds are gone, then pretty much everything evil will be done by just this one guy! We'd have nothing to do! We got here first, but this guy gets to reap the rewards of being bad? Bull-s**t is what I say!

Wesker: So in a sense we're preserving our job security, though it's more than that. We're here to maintain our roles as your future destroyers.

Bowser: And we're gonna do that by kicking this jean model's hairless a**!

Jedi: Huh!?

Jared: Wher!?

(Chuckeroth raises an eyebrow curiously)

Unsuspecting Audience: Pfooooot! (Soda spray everywhere)

Kefka: Admittedly, this upstart is treacherous, swift, meaty, and doesn't need magic to level anything he has his eyes on. Heck, he even has you pestering flies on the ropes!

Stan: I take offense to that. (Falls back onto ground)

Wesker: To combat such a powerful foe, the three of us have come together and put aside whatever squabbles to form a temporary alliance, based around one singular goal.

Kefka: That the hand you Jedi fall to will be ours alone, and no one else's!

Bowser: We even came up with a name and intro routine for this team-up of ours, just to show you how serious we are about this.

Wesker: But why tell when we can readily show you our commitment.

Kefka: Aw yeah, it's showtime showtime!

Wesker: That it is. Places!

Bowser: Raargh!

(They leap away to the outer edges of the arena as the instrumental version of "Power of Love, Chroma Squad!" from Chroma Squad begins playing)

Kefka: Prepare yourself, whosoever mooches our prey!

Wesker: For when you stand in the way of true villainy—

Bowser: You enter a whole 'nother world of hurt!

(They all leap back in. We turn to Bowser as he stands against a flashing and sparkling background, flexing and throwing punches and stomps)

Bowser: Bowser Koopa!

(Makes a menacing pose. Next we have Kefka against a similar background, only this time running around in a rapid circle only to stop suddenly to make as best a pose a pixel can, accompanied by lightning)

Kefka: Kefka Palazzo!

(For Wesker he does some spins and stretches and adjusts his sunglasses before tossing out his left arm dramatically)

Wesker: Albert Wesker!

(Now all three are in formation: Bowser on right, Wesker left, and Kefka in center)

Wesker: Together we fight as fury incarnate.

Kefka: By methods of classic evil machinations—

Bowser: We are the OJs (Original Japanese) of Bad-A** Villainy:

All: B! K! SIZNATCH!

B.K.

SIZNATCH

Audience: AWESOME!

Sally: Way cool!

Bowser: We were originally gonna call ourselves B.K. Sizzler, but we had to change it to avoid a lawsuit from a certain burger chain.

Wesker: Even we villains do not trifle with copyright law. But back to our declaration:

(They all make kung-fu poses at Chuckeroth)

Kefka: Okay ya bearded Grecian wet-dream! You may be both Chuck Norris and that p***y Sephiroth rolled into one, but there are three of us, and three outnumbers two any day! (Laughs)

Bowser: And we have the tools and experience to lay the hardest of whoopin's down on you, with my great strength—

Kefka: My high-level magic—

Wesker: And my cold, calculating stratagems—

Bowser: There won't be a single can of that six pack left intact!

Jared: Are you kidding me?! What kind of s**t you think you're trying to s**t me with!

Bowser: JEDI! In order to beat extreme awesome, you must deliver extreme awesome in spades!

Wesker: No offense, heroes, but your combined levels of impressiveness don't hold a candle to this behemoth. Which is why, in order for us to best him in the absolute, we will have to perform… Fusion.

Audience: KILLER!

Jared: BLARK!?

Kefka: It's the only way we can funk this mutha' up!

Squishy: Three of my favorite video game villains combining into one….. pinch me I must be dreaming… (Starry-eyed and drooling)

Cope: But can it really be done?!

Bowser: Just you watch, matchstick!

(They leap from each other, stand tall, and look at one another as the background goes black and a soft guitar plays)

Wesker: Alright gentlemen. Let's show them how incredible a fusion should be.

Bowser: Right on!

Kefka: Let's go!

(They leap at each other, and upon collision the screen erupts into a sheet of fiery gold as fusion commences! Their minds focused, they pack into a single mass that expands and shapes to the heavy rock of "The Decisive Battle" courtesy of the ever hardcore Black Mages! Limbs extend, muscles bulge, fists clench, clothing is donned and a slick pair of shades [Kamina shades] form and plants itself on the face of the thrilling amalgamation, completing it! Standing 5'8", the creation has a spiked green and red shell around its torso, two mighty gloved arms with spike armlets, a glossy belt, fashionable colored boots, a puffed vest/jerkin, very green pants, a red/yellow/green cape of explosive patterning, erect yet wavy red/blonde streaked hair, and the face of a fanged rock star vampire. However it all has a haphazard and scatterbrained look to it, like a reject from Kaiju Big Battel)

Abominable Dominator

BOWBERKA!

(In a blast of flame and sparks he stands before his opponent, exuding tremendous awe and kick-a**)

Bowberka: Alright! Now this is what I'm talking about! (Holds out hand) But let's get a fitting stage, first.

(Snaps fingers, and suddenly a wide wrestling ring poofs beneath them. Bowberka charges headlong at Chuckeroth and the fight is on!

(Chuckeroth tries to jab at the oncoming demon, but it twirls to dodge and delivers a brutal right hook to the ribs, causing Chuckeroth to stumble and Jared's hair to raise as Bowberka takes the opportunity to go at him again. Chuckeroth swings twice, but both are knocked aside and he gets palmed in the stomach, sending him sliding to the other end of the ring. Bowberka charges and jumps to deliver a flying body kick that sends Chuckeroth airborne. Upon landing, he gets a direct wallop to the face, making him bounce across the mat)

Bowberka: How's that for power, b***h!

(The Jedi are utterly dazed by this bout, as is Jared to his chagrin. The crudely costumed prize-fighter goes at Chuckeroth again to lay the smackdown, as a conference table with two suited men sitting at it hovers into view above)

Man1: Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to this trilogy's Epic Confrontation/Beat-Down. I'm Generic Commentator Hank Misnomer.

Man1: And I'm Assistant Generic Commentator and Hank's Lover, Tom Gigolo.

Hank: Today's smash-tacular brawl is a first for the series: One between villains!

Tom: Fusions Chuckeroth and Bowberka to be exact, Hank. You can already tell lonely fanboys and hubby-seeking girls are no doubt pleasuring themselves in multiple ways just by watching this dream match of amorally construed hy- and tri-brids.

Hank: Questionable though it may be, it's titillating as all nards, my precious!

Tom: That's right, sugarplum. Now already Bowberka is off to a fantastic start having just executed several punishing punches and kicks on Chuckeroth, already putting him off-balance.

Hank: That's right, Tom. Seeing how he will fare in this fight will make my feigning of enthusiasm in order to get a paycheck all the easier. Truly we are living examples of the phrase "Fake it till you make it".

Tom: And how!

(Down below, Chuckeroth regains himself and retaliates)

Tom: Chuckeroth is finally on the offensive. Ooh, his punches are a little sluggish there, and Bowberka kicks him back to a corner. I tell you it's a shame seeing someone who moments ago was nigh unstoppable getting tossed like a sack of meat.

Hank: That it is, especially when said sack is filled with dead kittens and babies.

Tom: Hank what is wrong with you?

Hank: Getting with the times, Tom. That's what's wrong with me.

Sara: Yeah, get him! Get him!

Anna: Show that sucka no mercy!

(Show a line of topless fans with Bowberka spelled out on their chests jumping and cheering, along with people waving signs boasting "Bowberka∞PWNAGE", "Bowberka 3:16", and "We B.B.K.!")

Jared: NO what are you doing? Kill his a** already, Chuckeroth!

(Ringside, Bowberka grabs a winded Chuckeroth and throws him at the ropes. Chuckeroth connects and springs back, only to get clotheslined. But in a fluid motion, Bowberka swings him to another set of ropes and does another clothesline, and repeats over and over again on all sides of the ring)

Hank: I don't believe it! He's doing a Multi-Clothesline in rapid succession! It's the act of a real beat-down expert, I'm telling ya!

(Bowberka now stops the move to spin Chuckeroth to his side and slams him down to the mat, then makes a pose)

Hank: A smooth finish by Bowberka! A domestic abuser after my own heart!

(Bowberka strolls over to a corner and climbs atop a pylon)

Hank: Wait what's he plannin' now?

Tom: This can't be good.

(Atop the pylon Bowberka poses, leaps, floats, and delivers a crushing elbow to the still-lying Chuckeroth's midsection, making him exhale loudly and painfully)

Tom: Oh my god, he just elbow-dropped the midsection; practically broke him in half! He's simply merciless!

(Chuckeroph writhes in pain while Bowberka takes the time to showboat and rile up the crowd)

Bowberka: Yeah-heh! Who do you love? That's right! That's right! It's all me, baby! Mrahahahaha!

Hank: This certainly isn't boding well with the Texas Ranger and Final Fantasy fans. But for something this incredible, some reputations have to be shattered.

(Lots of cheer from the crowd, and a few boos from the aforementioned fans, but they are quickly swamped and hazed. Back to the ring, Bowberka walks over to the side and grabs an aluminum trash can that gets tossed up. Just as Chuckeroth gets up into a crouch, Bowberka walks up to him and slams the can over his head, then proceeds to whack it rapidly, creating a horrible clanging that shakes a few feathers loose. He then removes the can and smacks the winged Adonis in the face with it, launching him back at the ropes where he's sprung back across the ground to a sneering Bowberka's feet)

Tom: I'm telling you in all my years of abrupt commentating I've never seen a match as painfully and humiliatingly one-sided as this.

(Now show Bowberka standing over Chuckeroth twisting his armpit hairs, making him yell tortuously)

Hank: Now he's got him by the pit hairs. That's just hard to watch, Tom. Those follicles are the most sensitive hairs on a man's body.

Tom: Really?

Hank: H**l no! You know very well it's the ones on your sack.

Tom: Oh, right. I should've remembered, given those wild one-night stands we used to have.

Hank: We were wild freaks back then, Tom.

YAAAAAIRRRRR!

Hank: Holy f**k on a stick he just went for them!

Tom: Oh god that's just too disgusting—

(Leans over and hurls onto a fan's rainbow afro below)

Fan: Yo what the dealie, man? Gross!

(Back to the ring, Bowberka stands across from a woozy Chuckeroph)

Bowberka: Now for the real pain!

(Throws out his arms and charges Chuckeroth. Back at the commentator table)

Hank: Where the f**k did you come from?!

Dick: Guess who's back, b***hes: It's none other than Dick Hammalon from Trilogy 10! I have just eaten this commentator's lover in order to resurrect myself and resume my oratory duties. Give me the update, Hank.

Hank: Chuckeroth getting his a** seriously kicked is the update!

(Bowberka finishes up a punch then pulls back and charges)

Bowberka: Flaaaaaaame GAUNTLETS!

(His fists emit flames and his speed increases greatly. He launches at Chuckeroth and delivers brutal flaming punches and kicks, culminating in an uppercut as explosive as a volcano. After a two-hand slam)

Bowberka: Ramp it up!

(Poses, and suddenly a 20-foot tall chain-link cylindrical cage falls onto the ring, trapping the two fighters)

Dick: Looks like they've gone into cage mode, Hank. This might be the end!

Hank: Y-yeah…

(Bowberka takes hold of Chuckeroth once again, gets airborne and runs his opponent's face into the chain-links. He tosses Chuckeroth hard to the other side and delivers a kick that sends him flying higher. Bowberka scales and circles the cage perimeter before jumping off, snatching his victim and throwing him back down against the cage wall. He then enters a dive kick that puts Chuckeroth on a course back down to the mat. Bowberka teleports down there and administers a head butt that sends the lion-maned foe back up to the cage wall. Once he impacts, Bowberka grips the fence and sends electricity throughout the cage, in turn violently shocking Chuckeroth. The ultimate destroyer falls from up high and hits the mat hard, but Bowberka doesn't give him rest and grabs him again)

Bowberka: Time to send you home, buddy!

(With Chuckeroth in tow, Bowberka jumps and bounds off cage section after section, steadily getting higher and higher until he reaches the top and stands on the edge)

Dick: It looks like, it looks like, yes! It's the moment we've been waiting for: The Finisher!

Bowberka: Say goodbye to the world, Noob!

(He jumps high over the middle of the enclosure and begins spinning)

Luciferus

DESCENT!

(Immediately they enter into a speeding pile drive wrapped in billowing fire, lightning and darkness. The air shudders and breaks around them, the mat fast approaching and Bowberka smiling widely as heat builds. Then to the last riff of the music, Chuckeroth's head crashes explosively with force enough to cause the steel cage and the ring to erupt into flying shards of material that are blown away, leaving no trace of them ever being there. The ensuing air blast dispels the crowds of fans and the commentators booth away)

Dick: D***IT AGAAAAAAAIN!

(Gone. At ground zero, Chuckeroth lies flat on his back while Bowberka stands triumphantly, sporting a V-sign. The fight is over)

Bowberka: And that's how hardcore is done!

Squishy: Too cool…

(Over at some rubble)

Dick: Dick Hammalon here, and sweet dang I'm still alive! That Tom fellow must've granted me extra fortitude. You still with me, Hank? (Hank crawls out)

Hank: Technically…

Dick: Well hang on a little longer so you can hear me talk some more. So after a devastating pile-driver like that, I seriously doubt Chuckeroth will be getting up for the remainder of this trilogy. You heard it right: Sudden Newcomer Bowberka is the Winner, thereby claiming the title of True Supreme Bad-A** of Them All.

Sally: Hear hear!

(Jared's eyes and mind are completely numbed by the spectacle and the sight of his prized creation lying still before the swaggering abomination of a fusion)

Sara: How'd you like that, Jared?

Jo: Chuckeroth got stomped! He got stomped GOOD!

(Jared can only gawk and gape, but then is immediately overtaken by raw hate and outrage, his eyes firing up)

Jared: What The F**k!? I mean, what in the actually S****ing F***?! No way Sephiroth and Chuck Norris could lose to three generic-a** video game bosses! It's F**kin' Favoritism! The Same Godd**n Reason why I was kicked out of existence! None of This is Fair!

Sylvia: You weren't fair with us either, using one of our friends as part of your secret weapon to make it practically invincible.

Cope: That Bowberka thing only leveled the playing field and proved how ineffective your hare-brained revenge solution really was!

Rick: Give it up, fool.

Will: Yeah! It's completely over for you. The Jedi have already won, man.

Anna: Again!

(Bracing himself on the platform railing with one hand, Jared shudders with head lowered, other hand clenched and teeth bared)

Jared:….You were evil once before, Anna. And Chris… and Contractor. But it all changed, and I… wasn't… (Chokes, sputters)

Will: What was that?

(Jared suddenly stops shaking and lowers his fist. His shoulders begin to hunch up)

Jared: ….Noooo…. Too many years have gone by. I had put in too much effort. I have been denied enough as it is… understand!?

(Throws his head up with flaring eyes, a malicious scowl and hands as crooked as claws)

Jared: Hear Me You Unfaithful B****rds?! This Isn't Over! I'll See It That EVERYONE IN THIS F**KIN' UNIVERSE PAYS! I WILL NOT BE STOPPED THIS TIME! NOT THIS WAY!

(As he's screaming, light particles flicker and flare around him along with a crackling yellow aura. He rises above the platform and arcs through the air. As he lowers, his face and entire body begin to dissolve and fuse into light, making the field around him a uniform sheet of sparkling brilliance. This glowing blanket of particles quickens its descent and centers itself over the fallen Chuckeroth before covering and sinking into him. Chuckeroth opens his eyes wide as yellow light goes through him, and he rises back up without an ounce of fatigue)

Bowberka: What? Back up again? How—

(A blast of light pushes him forcefully away, and the light brimming within Chuckeroth instantly becomes billowing darkness, giving him a demonic air)

Dick: Hold on, what's happening now? What'd that guy just do to Chuckeroth?

Hank: Why should I care? Groan…

Dick: You should, pal: it's looking real sinister all of a sudden!

Sylvia: What's going on?

(The whole place starts rumbling)

Squishy: Not good!

Cope: It has to be, (Close-up) Another Fusion!

Jedi: What?!

(The place shakes even more, and Chuckeroth bends forward, gathering spheres of black over him before letting loose a yell that disperses the spheres, producing a pure black cloud that covers everything, including the screen. As the sound of rumbling quickly silences, Dick Hammalon appears out of the dark, eagerly holding his mic)

Dick: I don't believe it: it really is another fusion! But what could it be this time?

Hank: Something that'll kill us all, most likely.

Dick: And in the most vile manner imaginable, judging by all this concentrated deviltry in the air!

(Soon the other Jedi appear out of the dark, looking in one direction. Bowberka, with an arm raised before his face for protection, lowers it to better see. All around, darkness withdraws from all surfaces and coalesce at a single spot in the center of the arena. In no time light fully returns as the shadows return to their source: That of a lone man. Well-suited and sporting finely crafted boots, the sir stands wearing threads as richly dark as smooth coffee. His face is firm, worn, and etched with a history of hard-won successes and bitter setbacks, all beneath a well-groomed set of black hair. Strapped around his back is an acoustic guitar, finely polished as though new.

(Overall, the man has the look of a Texas pastor from Hell. The kind sung of in the earliest blues and rock.)

Man In Black

Johnny Cash

Jedi: OoO!

Bowberka:?

Dick: Unbelievable! Chuckeroth has just become America's first authentic bad-a**: Rock Legend Johnny Cash!

Hank: O Rly?

(Johnny Cash just stands there with head lowered, eyes closed, tapping a foot and nothing else. Words cannot describe just how awesome he looks right now!)

Sally: But… what does this mean?

Jo: It means we're royally screwed, Sal.

Bowberka: Hey, who's the relic?

(JC abruptly opens his eyes and spots the oddly-dressed grappler)

Johnny Mutha-F***in' Cash: Who are you callin' "relic", friend?

Bowberka: Oh, did that offend you? It really shouldn't, because you look dressed for your own funeral. And just look at all those wrinkles on your face. And am I seeing some gray hairs as well?

Johnny C: They're the marks of a world-weary soul, who has walked a hard line and had their fill of regret.

Bowberka: Tchyeh, you hearing this guy? The loser I just pounded goes and transforms into some old fogey. What kind of joke is this, seriously?

(All the Jedi are grimly shaking their heads, mouthing him to stop)

J Cash: You oughta show a lil more respect to a fella you just met. Otherwise, you're settin' yourself up for a fight.

Bowberka: Well, maybe a fight's what I'm after, grandpa. Though from the looks of you, I'm going to be sorely disappointed. (Strolls over to JC) But I suppose I can do a quick bit of mercy-killing for the day, free of charge. Back to the Earth with—

(Brings in a wide punch but JC's free hand comes up and grabs it well from his face in one lightning motion)

Bowberka: Huh what gi—! (JC stares deep into Bowberka's eyes, freezing him instantly) Geh…

JC: Looks like I need to show you what real Hurt is.

(In slow-motion, JC tosses up his guitar and sends a speeding right punch into Bowberka's face, breaking the slo-mo with his careening launch. Eyes closed and holding still, JC grabs his falling guitar with his left hand behind his back without breaking stance)

Jedi: Whoa….

(Bowberka is sitting up, covering his bruised cheek with a hand and tearing up)

Bowberka: What the h**l was th—

(Looks up to see JC's cold stare, right before he takes a boot hard to his face. Bowberka gasps and struggles against the unmoving boot, which pulls back only to deliver a hard kick to the mid-section that sends Bowberka tumbling away. JC walks forward, drawing his guitar as Bowberka gets up with a bleeding nose)

Bowberka: Alright ya crypt keeper, I'm gonna make you—

(Looks forward in time to see the guitar right before it hits his face, beginning a gritty stylistic montage incorporating shots of JC switching between fist and guitar to punish Bowberka. The segment ends with JC battering Bowberka to the ground with his guitar, and with it in pieces he gives one last kick and spits on him before turning away and walking solemnly out of sight)

Johnny Bad-A** Cash: That oughta teach ya somethin'.

Dick: What a stunning reversal! Right from the ashes of defeat, the main villain has re-arisen in a much more devastating form! Johnny Cash's brutal, lawless attitude has now put the match favorite down for the count! It's turn-abouts like these that assure me that all the horrible things I did to get back here were all worth it. Ain't that right, Hanky?

T_T Hank: Tommay, say you isuhnt ded, Tommay-Kakes… Tommay…..

Will: I honestly didn't think Jared had it in him, but there it is: He turned a bad-a** into an even greater bad-a**.

Anna: Just shows you need to get to know people better.

(Stan walks in)

Stan: Oh wow. He looks worse off than I was.

Jo: This is no time for joking! Unless we figure something out, our a**es will most certainly be grass at that dude's hands!

Sara: If he gets around to doing any such thing.

(Show JC simply standing with his back turned, tapping a foot while conjuring up a fresh guitar. Suddenly he stares back at them)

Johnny Smooth Cash: See somethin' particularly offensive about me?

Sally: Eee! The stare!

Will: We are now in serious trouble, people! Balls serious!

Sylvia: What do we do?

Cope: I just remembered something. Earlier Kefka said that three outnumbers two any day.

Anna: Well duh, that's grade school math ya din—

Cope: Let me finish, woman! We just saw how Chuckeroth got totally owned when those three fused, but now he's made a comeback because Jared fused with him. At this point it's essentially three-v-three, so for us to tip the scales back in our favor and defeat Johnny Cash—

Sara: We'll need to make another fusion for our side!

Cope: Precisely! With a fusion made up of four components, we should have ourselves something more destructive and bad-a** than Johnny Cash.

Squishy: But what could we possibly use to make something more bad-a** than that? It's not possible!

Sylvia: Jared was a Jedi once before, right? Then one of us should fuse with Bowberka.

Cope: Yes, and given that we're far more seasoned than him, the results should be even more potent.

Sara: But which of us will it be—

Will: Ain't it obvious?

Sally: Ooh! Dad should do it!

Squishy: Huh!?

Jo: You're into this weird DBZ s**t, Squishy. Go fuse and kick that guy's a** already.

Squishy: Are you kidding me? I don't know how to fuse!

Sara: What about when we fused into the Statue of Liberty that one time?

Squishy: That was with magical MacGuffin rings! I never saw something like what Jared just did!

Jo: Ah, so the guy who can morph three times his size, grow wings and obliterate anything with a snap of his fingers, as well as summon random video game characters at will, can't perform a simple body fusion? Contractor, you're running some serious bull with our canon. Very sloppy!

(Hey fudge you, I do what I want!)

Squishy: I can't summon game characters at will all the time, plus I become Crimson Waltz when the situation calls for it, and this isn't one of those times!

(See, I have set boundaries in place :p)

Sylvia: Then, if Squishy is unable to do it, I'm willing to fuse with Bowberka.

Sally: Cool!

Rick: You really want to jump in with those three?

Squishy: Don't, Sylvia! I honestly want to help, but I sincerely don't know how Jared did it. Would you happen to know?

Sylvia: (Shrugs) Can't say I do.

Johnny Cash: I've no idea what you're all babblin' about… (Turns around) But it's beginning to get on my nerves.

Jo: YAAA! He's looming!

Dick: Things are about to get dire for the Jedi unless they do something fast, Hank!

Hank: F**k you.

Will: Wait, I got it! (Whips out cell phone) Tank, I need you to upload instructions on performing transubstantiation directly into Squishy's brain, now!

Phone: I'm not Tank, but okay: I'm on it.

(Furious typing can be heard. Suddenly Squishy's body spazzes out like he's having a seizure, but after a few seconds he recovers and blinks with sudden understanding)

Squishy: Ah, so that's how it's done… Stand back people! I'm gonna fuse this bich!

(Throws out arms and closes fists)

Dick: Hoh? It seems sack boy Squishy is gonna try something. This could be good… or worse, I don't know.

Squishy: Wish me luck, guys.

(Lights and sparks begin to emanate from him as he begins to dissolve into a cloud of brilliant photons)

Sally: Great sparkle, Pop! You get him!

(Now a thick veil of luminescence, Squishy drifts up and over to Bowberka)

Cope: But I wonder...

Jo: What?

Cope: Is Squishy really a good choice for this? Knowing him for what he is, mixing with the behaviors of those other three... wouldn't that make the newer fusion incredibly unstable?

Jo: Oh…. Crap.

(The light cloud reaches and converges on the beaten Bowberka, whose eyes and mouth pop open wide)

Bowberka: Zounds!

(Launches up into the air, spins and explodes into a great cloud of gray smoke that quickly spreads out)

Dick: Yowzas, he just exploded!

Jo: It really happened! What have we done?!

Dick: Hold it. There's something in the smoke!

Sylvia: Could it be?

(JC remains unfazed as a lone figure can be seen through the thinning smoke. Suddenly…)

Jack Black: With karate I'll kick your a**,

From here to Tianamen Square.

Oh yeah Mutha-F**kerrr!

I'm gonna kick your F**kin' Derriere

Yeah-ee-Yeeeah!

You broke the rules!

Now I'll pu—

(Gets beaned by flying guitar. The hefty musician goes flying as the interrupting instrument is pulled back to JC with a lasso attached to it. JB recovers somewhat just in time for his title to appear)

Man of Black

Jack Black

JB: What the h**l, dude? How'd he hit me like that, and right when I was in the middle of my righteous singing!

Sara: That's our new bad-a**?

Anna: ….Exaggerated Cough!

Dick: It appears the Jedi are doomed, ladies and gentlemen.

JB: Ah my f**kin' face! God! (Grunt) It looks like I'll need some help with this guy. KAAAGE!

(An even larger, balding man comes running along the perimeter over to JB on a set of prosthetic robot legs)

Dick: Look at that, Hank. It appears that co-founder, co-singer, and sole bass player of low-brow rock duo Tenacious D Kyle Gass is making his way over to ring side, maybe to offer some strategy or words of encouragement for his band mate.

(KG reaches JB)

KG: Yeah Jables? Dude, what happened to your face?

JB: That's what happened to it! (Points to the offender) Tell me: who is that righteous dude over yonder to whom I am pointing at?

KG: Oh my God, is that Johnny Cash? No f**king way! He's one of the most bad-a** legends of the acoustic ever!

JB: Yeah, and what you just said is the problem here. That guy's all about the acoustic, and is from our parent's generation, but for some reason I'm losing to him. Why is that?

Rick: You're saying that only after taking one hit?

KG: Uh, dude, that wouldn't be a surprise. He might be old, but he's got WAY more experience and mastery of his art than you, plus his level of skill has made it so that he doesn't need to say much to prove just how hardcore he is.

JB: Don't you ever say that! There is none, and I mean NO ONE, more hardcore than Tenacious D! We kick far more ears' a**es than anyone on the planet! (Moment to think) Which is why I'm doing so s***y. I tried to face him with only half of our rockness. But the power of Tenacious D lies in the strength of two. Kage, if I'm gonna take that icon down and show the world once again just how f**kin' tight our band is, I need you with me by my side. Only the both of us can smite this venerable foe, together!

KG: I don't know, Jables. It's Johnny Boot-To-The-A**-Bad Cash you're talking about, and he's one of the all-time greats of rock—

JB: (Violently though comically shakes KG) D***it Kyle! The time for being a p***y is long past! I was brought here to give a show and I don't intend to disappoint our fans. But I can't do it on my own. I need you pull this off with me. Cuz together, we have massive heart.

KG: ….Yeah.

JB: We have vision.

KG: Yeah…

JB: We have rock.

KG: Yeah.

JB: We have Skee-illz!

KG: Yeah!

JB: We have the mega-balls to f**k Johnny Cash's s**t back to the f**kin' 60's where it belongs, and you know why, KG?

KG: Cuz we're Tenacious D!

JB: H**l Righteous Yeah!

KG: F**k yeah!

JB: There's the Kage I work and live with! A rockin' brother right when I need him! Now drop your pants.

KG: What?

JB: Just do it, Kyle! There's no time for questions; trust me!

KG: Uh-okay….

(They both start undoing their pants)

Stan: What are they doing?

Anna: Ooookay, this got weird super quick.

Dick: I get it! It's a stun tactic! By dropping their drawers, they intend to daze and confuse Johnny Cash with a mooning from two pairs of All-American Prime Buttocks. Crude but brilliant, it just might work!

Hank: You know who you're talking about, right?

Dick: …

(Now the two rockers are bare-bottomed with their grotesque assets aimed right at their opponent)

J Confused Cash: Uhh, pardon me?

KG: JB, why are we doing this?

JB: It's a necessary step in pulling off our ultimate fusion.

KG: Our wha?

JB: This guy is gonna take our all to beat. That means we need to become one in order to realize our fullest rock potential, which will require the birthmarks on our a** cheeks: the very ones that gave us our band's name and sealed our fates as the greatest of rockers!

KG: Yeah, that was only a movie—

JB: This is no time for doubts Kage! We have to believe in order to succeed! Now put your left cheek against my right cheek so we can get this over with.

KG: I'm really not—

JB: Do it Kyle! For the rock!

(KG reluctantly shimmies over to JB and presses flesh to flesh, so that two separate birthmark letters spell out "TENACIOUS D".)

Sally: Oh that's just gross.

Cope: What the h**l.

JB: Are you ready, Kage?

KG: As ready as I'll ever be.

JB: Not good enough! I need you fully committed!

KG: Committed to what? I still don't know what you're driving at, Jack!

JB: There's that doubt again; I can't do this if you're not up for it!

KG: You never fully specified what that "it" is!

JB: I told you Kage: we're going to become one!

KG: And how are you going to do that?!

JB: You'll find out if you'll do it with me!

KG: Alright I'll do it with you!

JB: Do what, Kyle?

KG: Become "one"!

JB: This ain't time to go wimp on me; you have to mean it!

KG: I mean it!

JB: I don't believe you, man. That confidence is wavering. I want you hyped!

KG: Okay I'm hyped for it!

JB: Do you really want this, Kyle?

KG: Yes!

JB: Are you pumped Kyle?

KG: I'm pumped man!

JB: Ready to go insane?!

KG: Yeah!

JB: To tear s**t up?!

KG: Yeah!

JB: So you're absolutely cool with this?

KG: Yes I'm cool with this! Get it the f**k over with, Jack!

JB: Good enough! (Whips out pneumatic sewing tool) Everyone, prepare to have your minds blown, for me and Kyle's spirits will come together as one! The time has finally come, to unleash the full power of D! YAAAAAAAAA—

KG: AAAAAAAAAAA—

(JB brings down the tool and runs it into their exposed rear flesh before turning it on, resulting in a grinding noise of needle, machinery and flesh. The yells of the two hit a higher sharp note filled with adrenaline and sheer agony. Everyone but JC has a look of utter horror at the sight and some even lose their lunch as the two butts are sewn together)

KG: WHAAAAAT THEEEEEEEEEE H********LLLLL!?

JB: YOU CAN SUCK MY BALLS IN HELL JOHNNY CASH! HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Through the skin and blood and hair the two birthmarks flash as they're conjoined seamlessly. And with that the pair toot and burst into a great, frothy cloud of purplish gas)

Jo: What the frek was that all about?

Anna: How should any of us know?!

Rick: Seriously.

(After the gas stops spreading, everything goes silent, until a low murmuring arises. Suddenly the smoke begins taking shape, forming the vague outline of some limousine. The ghostly auto produces the clear lines of a rear door on its side, and when all is still it cracks open and slowly swings out. In that instant a nasty guitar begins to play as a striped platform-shoed foot steps into the clear air, followed by another, then both begin walking away from the limo cloud, carrying their owner to the music. Striding onto the scene in a frilly purple and white ruffle shirt, brown vest, tan slacks and assorted bracelets of various psychedelic colors, the man sports skin of chocolaty decadence, mustache and beard of modest black liberation, a sizable 'fro made thicker by the bandanna tightened at its foundation, and a hat worthy of any honest and respectable pimp daddy. Overall the newcomer made a very loud statement: one of profound Grooviness)

Man in Mauve

Jimi Hendrix

Jedi: 0o0!?

Audience: Dropped BOWELS!

Dick: Sweet Godly Fudge-e-Maker! It's THE One & Only Jimi Hendrix! The man who single-handedly made being a hippie seem like a respectable lifestyle, though it wasn't and still is not. But for 10 years he made an entire nation think so! And yes, I'm talking about the one that counts: The U.S. of A!

Joseph McCarthy: Huh- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Stan: The Ax-Master himself…

Jo: The Very God of Groove… He's Freakin' Here!

Jimi Hendrix: Greetings my brothers and sisters. I have returned.

Dick: Who could have imagined that combining the members of Tenacious D would produce Jimi Hendrix, Hank? I swear, another level of unprecedentedness has been achieved this night, greater than any before.

JC: Why the h*** are you here?

JH: Please, dispel your cursing. Harsh language is a most ugly thing, one that seeks to disrupt the promise of peace my brother.

JC: What—

JH: People often say war is the careless byproduct of the white man. But in truth, it is the intended agenda of proud greed. Everyone is so quick to impose hate on one another, yet we are all children of the same mother, that is of Mother Earth and Father Harmony. We must learn to throw down our differences and embrace one another with arms that were meant to cherish life, not to torment and cut it down. As flowers of this wondrous reality we must be fed equality, bathed in love and free to grow and prosper among other men and lady flowers so that love can be conceived and born again in the ecstasy of carefree openness.

Dick: A hippie true and true, ladies and gentlemen.

JH: You my brother, who's dressed for a most soothing occasion, lay down your arms and spite. Let the groove and peace wash over you like a pristine beach at sunrise. We are not enemies; we're but brothers, lovers. Give in to the love, friend. Free your spirit of worry and responsibility and let it soar to the sky, along with your mind. Set yourself free of hate, brother!

(As he's talking, a purple aura comes off him and stretches over to JC like a fine perfume. Surrounded by psychedelia, JC shockingly begins to ease up and grow woozy)

JC: Okay….

Dick: I don't believe it! He's using his words to tame the hardened outlaw! Forget Gandhi; Jimi is the one to bring about world peace after a feat like this!

Sylvia: For some reason I'm feeling incredibly relaxed.

Rick: So am I.

Jo: That's just the (Yawn) full scope of a Groove Master's power. To this day I can't even match half his mojo.

(The atmosphere becomes more purplish and hazy)

JH: Yes, just take it all in. Are you finally at ease, my man? (JC nods dopedly) Good. That's groovy… Gotcha, B***h!

JC: Huh!?

(Suddenly JH breaks into a series of acrobatic flips and spins toward the becalmed JC to everyone's surprise. JH then leaps and pulls back his right arm and fist)

JH: Suckeeeeeeeeeer PAUUNCH!

(JH sucker punches JC with a hardened right fist to the face, resulting in a great explosion of colors into which we're sucked into. Passing streams of rainbows, hippie paraphernalia and sounds, the epicenter widens out into complete, silent darkness)

---

(Zooming in, we behold three platforms at considerable distance from one another hanging in dark emptiness. On a blue lit one, the tiny tappings of a Jawa's footsies on glass is heard. Moving toward the edge, Squishy stops to look around)

Squishy: What is this place? Am I…. in the mind of Johnny Cash?

(He looks up and observes the two distant platforms. To his high left is a mound of earth with tombstones, covered in vile smoke and thunder. To the upper right is a level piece of earth covered in grass, tumbleweeds, warm sunshine and a country store)

Squishy: If this is his head, then those must be the minds that make him up. (To the left) That one over there must be Sephiroth's, filled with hate and destruction. (To the right) And over there has to be Chuck Norris' mind of humble country-mindedness. But then, where's Jared's? (His eyes widen) Unless…

(He turns and looks down, and we're given an overhead shot of the platform, which is actually a massive stained-glass mural in rings, the outer ones depicting people and events that have occurred in the Steve Warz timeline. In the middle is an enlarged picture of Jared, obscured and overshadowed by all the other Jedi crowding in front of him)

Squishy: I'm standing on his!

So… You came.

(Footsteps are heard, and Squishy looks up to see someone in a black coat with a hood covering his head walking in from the opposite edge)

?: Come to disrupt things yet again. (Makes a stand) Fine.

Squishy: Hey, what do you—

(The man opens his right hand, and a conjured ball of dark energy extends to form an ominous large black key)

Squishy: A Keyblade?! How the—

(Man holds up weapon)

?: Let's get started.

(He runs at Squishy with weapon raised to strike. Though surprised, Squishy quickly draws and ignites his lightsaber in time to block the downward blow, but the impact makes him slide back along the glass. The assailant comes at him again, swinging quickly and pushing Squishy back with each block. A downward swipe makes Squishy leap away and back)

?: You call yourself a hero, but are incapable of holding your own against someone that's supposed to be your equal.

(He opens his left hand, and white light appears and takes the form of an angelic-looking over-sized key)

Squishy:!?

(Two Keyblades in hand, the short man comes at Squishy with both arms, putting the Jawa's reflexes to the test as they move about the platform)

Squishy: I know you're upset and embittered, Jared, but I had nothing to do with what happened to you. None of us did!

(The man holds his Keyblades down, locking Squishy in a bent defensive position)

?: Jared? Hmpf.

Squishy: Huh?

?: I can't believe you forgot my voice. It's only been about a year, or rather, two episodes. (He swings and pushes Squishy back) I'm not Jared.

Squishy: Then who—?

?: Think about it. It happened with the Financer. (Runs at Squishy and clashes blades again) How you left. (Strikes some more) How you decided to come back. (Strikes again) How you had everyone scorn me! (Strike strike) And how you were the one to deal the final blow to me. Remember now?

(Disengages and sends Squishy flying back. Regaining his balance, Squishy's yellow eyes widen)

Squishy: You can't be… Alexander?

?: Heh. That's right. Glad you caught on, Squishy. (Opens left hand and Keyblade disappears) Or should I say…

(With his free hand, he reaches up and pulls down the hood, revealing ruffled red hair, freckles, and a youthful face)

Alexander: Usurper!

(At that instant, the image in the platform's center is covered with light and replaced with a picture of Alexander malevolently grinning)

Squishy: Alexander! Holy crap how'd you—?

Alexander: Surprising, I know. I was supposed to have been an unfortunate casualty, right? Well that blast you sent my way only knocked me from my high horse with a headache. I survived… technically speaking.

Squishy: Technically?

Alexander: When I awoke in the dead spaces of creation I felt alright. I felt whole and I was no spirit, or so I believed. Problem was, I could no longer live in this universe. Anytime I tried coming back, I would unravel and disintegrate. Seems that whatever you did to me made it impossible to keep my form for very long in this galaxy, so in a sense that makes me dead. Sure, I could walk through nothingness unscathed, but what's the point when you can't return to place you're most familiar with? You and the others had effectively killed me. However, I could still come back, if I were to inhabit the mind of someone else. I wouldn't be able to control them, though; I'm not exactly that kind of spirit.

But, lucky me, I stumbled upon my former physical body: intact, and bearing its former look. A little upsetting to know it hadn't been custom-made for me, but it was perfect for carrying out whatever I desired in the material realm. And the one thing I wanted to do once I got it working? Obvious. (Conjures white Keyblade into left hand and crosses the two) Payback!

(He flies at Squishy and the two re-engage in combat, but now Alexander's excited face and occasional laugh is present)

Squishy: So all the stuff up to now: Robberies, kidnapping Sylvia, Sephiroth, Chuck, it was all done by you?

Alexander: That's right. I wanted to make extra sure you former friends of mine suffered, so I put a lot of thought into how I'd do it. It took a long time, but I have to say I did a pretty good job messing things up on my own. That isn't to say this Jared friend of yours didn't play some part. Sure, I did all the thinking and planning in this empty head of his, but the anger and woes of being forgotten and cast aside? Totally legit. I didn't think Jedi could be so cruel. How easily you forgot about him after nearly two trilogies together. Such heartless friends. Then again, it's nothing compared to how you all treated me!

(They fight some more)

Squishy: There was nothing we could've done about that! You had gone mad with power. You would have destroyed everyone and everything if we hadn't stopped you!

Alexander: Oh, I'm not talking about that. That time I was a bit corrupted, but I'm referring to before then. When you left the others and I stepped in, I got no respect from them. I could never hold a candle to your legacy in their eyes. And honestly, how could I, when I never even got a chance?

They despised me like some outsider or unsightly mole from day one. I could tell they were just waiting for me to die, or disappear at least. And then you made your grand return and everyone was so relieved and happy. But I didn't want to be forgotten entirely, which was a distinct possibility I would later discover. I was the Main Protagonist, and I refused to let you take that away from me like some thieving rodent!

Squishy: Rodent? Watch what you say, kid! You were made just so the Financer could reign over the place!

Alexander: Okay, so the role of main character wasn't rightly mine to begin with. But you still could have been nicer to me. Plus, I would have made things better for the universe, and I intend to do so once I'm through here.

Squishy: What? Make things better?

Alexander: You heard me, shorty! (Tries to kick him, but Squishy leaps away) I know how bad a condition this very existence is in.

Squishy: What do you mean?

Alexander: Recall how the Financer sent me away as punishment? Oh right, you weren't around when that happened. Well, that creator of mine kicked me out of the universe completely for a very dumb reason. But where I ended up was the very eyes that saw the Real World.

Squishy: What!?

Alexander: What I saw was indescribable, but it filled my mind with powerful thoughts and amazement. Seeing how the true reality functioned made me extremely excited.

Squishy: What are you talking about "true reality"?

Alexander: The plane far above ours, where things truly matter! People like the Financer come from that place, which was how I was allowed to see it for myself.

At first I wanted to tell everyone about it, so I came back seeking to show you the lives everyone should live. But…. during my exile in the void, I thought more deeply about what I saw then. Slowly it all became clear to me, and then I realized what I saw through those eyes: Corruption. Filth. Perversion. Ugliness. This realization came as a shock to me. It destroyed what aspirations I once held for such wonders. But, what surprised me more, was how so much of that grotesqueness had been reflected, (Looks at Squishy) In you. All this time.

Squishy: Huh!?

Alexander: Heheheh. It was at that moment I knew that the galaxy I was living in was a dirty, rotten place. It was hardly any different from the world I saw in that brief span of time. Yet, while I was there, I sensed some benevolent force: One opposite of Financer's. I thought it could have been the being that created you and all the galaxy before I came along. It seemed gentle; the sort of presence that would want harmony among its creations. But this world, it wasn't perfect. There was misery, and spite, and vulgarity.

Which begs the question: Why? (Pulls back Keyblades) Why did it pick you?

(Runs and goes on the attack again)

Alexander: A Jawa who fornicates with lizards! Who makes dumb game references and makes dirty jokes; who never takes things seriously! Why were you chosen to be the main character?! (Knocks Squishy away) You ruined this fantasy! Because of you it's filled with random humor and pointless violence! There's nothing pure or sacred or harmonious about it!

Squishy: I didn't impose any of those things!

Alexander: The main character directs the world around him! However he acts, the space around him reflects it and takes shape. Because of your rotten self, what was supposed to be pure is now defiled! If I were the main character, I could have made it an innocent, happy place for everyone. That's what I planned to do once I cleared you all away in my vengeance. I was going to clean up the place with Chuckeroth, but since he's out, I have to do things differently. Starting with you, Squishy!

(Runs at Squishy giving a battle cry. Squishy prepares and takes on more blows with his saber)

Squishy: You're crazy! That isn't the way things work!

Alexander: You can't trick me! I saw how the world runs, how it operates, so die!

(He keeps on striking until both his Keyblades get locked together around Squishy's lightsaber blade, prompting a leap which to his surprise results in the loss of both his weapons. Squishy then goes on the attack, but Alexander quickly conjures another Keyblade and stops it, then summons another one and is fully rearmed. As the duel continues, Alexander uses more attacks where he drops a Keyblade only to make another one to use in trying to make an opening. But Squishy picks up the pace and disrupts the tactic, causing Alexander to retreat to the air. Airborne, Alexander summons a slew of Keyblades in succession and throws them at Squishy like spears, which he deflects every time. Alexander then calls up a massive cactaur Keyblade and throws it at Squishy's feet with thunderous force, making him jump away. Landing, Alexander draws two Keyblades, gives a nasty smile and runs at Squishy, dragging his blades along the ground creating sparks. He breaks into a deadly spin and the two re-converge and go about swinging until Alexander manages to catch Squishy's saber in one of his blades' holes. A little jerk and Squishy is swung upward to be dashed against the other blade, but a quick response of his own weapon only results in his being launched high into the air. Alexander leaps in pursuit, and the two spin about in a mid-air display until Alexander pulls back for a two-blade blow. Squishy deflects the devastating attack at the last moment, knocking him back to the platform. After landing hard, he looks up to see Alexander floating with a smile of contempt)

Alexander: Just a dirty little Jawa with too much influence.

(Squishy stands ready, and Alexander descends to face him head-on again. They dash and twirl, Squishy holding firm as Alexander begins beating at his raised saber with both his Keyblades. Metal and sparks clang as Squishy struggles to hold his ground. Alexander's banging increases speed, and soon he's throwing Keyblades at the saber, but it doesn't budge. Then Alexander straps on two metal shoes and commences to dance a merry jig atop the green searing blade. After a bit, one of Squishy's legs finally gives in, and Alexander takes the chance to knock away the lightsaber and send the Jawa rolling.

(The deactivated lightsaber hilt slides away to the edge of the platform and stops, where it's then held down by a thrown Keyblade, followed by five others. On an elbow, Squishy looks up only to see a Keyblade pointed right at his face, a smirking Alexander holding it steady)

Alexander: Just look at you: can't even hold up to me, the New Guy. You honestly aren't cut out for the main character anymore.

Squishy: Alexander, don't do this. This is all wrong.

Alexander: What's this? A plea for mercy? Sorry, that wont' cut it. At this point I can't make any mistakes. I may have been born as a means to repress, but I'm going to be the star that'll make everything beautiful and wholesome. The things you and your pals are opposite to.

Squishy: You still don't know what you're talking about. (He feebly reaches a hand over to the saber)

Alexander: No Force! (A Keyblade embeds just centimeters from Squishy's fingers before disappearing) You won't be getting out of this one that easily. If you want to fight, then use your own hands for once. Otherwise, I'll just end you right now. Cut the charade so I can get on with my real work. So what will it be, Mr. Superstar?

Squishy: Alexander….

Squishy.

Your words can no longer reach him.

Squishy: Huh?

He has placed himself on too high a pedestal to be able to listen.

Reasoning with him is utterly pointless.

Squishy:?

…I will handle him.

Squishy: !? Are you—

Leave.

You are not needed for this.

(A passing black cloud blots out the screen for a moment, and departs along with Squishy)

Alexander: Hunh? How did he? (He looks around the platform but sees no one) Where'd you go, Squishy? I don't know how you pulled that off, but running away won't save you. Come out and take what you deserve!

(Suddenly the darkness above descends a little, and as it does, an ominous veil of black spreads over the platform, dimming the radiance of the underlying light. A deep chill afflicts Alexander. Then I appeared…

(Seeping down in one semi-uniform mass like chilled liquid salve, the being lightly takes its place behind Alexander, but the unnerving sounds of manifestation alerts him to turn around, albeit cautiously. The being is tall and straight, yet frayed along the edges as though he is barely within the constraints of physicality. Though blurry, one could make out within its wavering form the shape of a steeple hat, piercing slitted yellow for eyes, and a coat of deepest myrtle crimson. The manifestation isn't so much standing as floating, as the place where its feet and ankles are supposed to be it is completely indiscernible, as though nothing more than mist.

(Against the darkness, it shines dully, like an avatar of Death)

That will be enough, Alexander.

Alexander: Who the heck are you supposed to be?

My name is of no importance. Nor of concern. But my intentions for you are, as is what I am.

Alexander: Intentions? Guy, I don't know what you are spew—

I am that which gives rise to action. I symbolize the processes that lead to decision and conduction. I am the Logic. The Reason in thought.

I am Cause.

Alexander: Whatever you are, I don't see how your talk and creep factor relate to me—

It all relates to you. You are the reason I am here. Your actions have created troubles too grave to be ignored.

Alexander: What's it to ya, creep? What I do is none of your b—

It is. Tell me, what is it that you're seeking that's worth the culling of so many lives?

Alexander: Hey I told you, it's none of your—

Tell me. The destruction, the torment you have wrought: What's the justification?

Alexander: If I tell you, will you stopped interrupting me?! (Silence from the being) If you really wanna know, I can tell you it's for a good reason. I'm doing it to make this place innocent and pure.

Pure and innocent? The poorly-conceived goal of a romantic fool.

Alexander: What's so bad about—

Changing the main character will not alter reality. In fact, even removing the central supporting cast along with the lead will do nothing of the sort.

Alexander: How did you..? Are you Squishy's friend or something? Or are you Squishy? Nice trick, you pipsqueak.

Squishy has no part in this. Although he and I share a bond, I am here on his behalf in order to resolve a disruption that no worldly mediation can properly address.

Alexander: Wha?

To put it simply, I am here to point out the glaring flaw in your plan.

Alexander: What did you say?

You want to make the world a pure place, and you wish to do so by replacing the main character. Such an approach will do nothing.

Because the main character has no true connection to his environment's structure.

You believe a fantasy world is shaped by the influence of its leading protagonist. In truth, unless they themselves possess world-altering powers, their effect on their surroundings is negligible.

Alexander:!?

For a character to be born there must be an idea, followed by a setting for it to happen in. It is then that a character or characters are made to carry out this idea.

Every character, whether central or throwaway, are merely products of the world, universe, or realm that they interact in. The laws and beliefs of a realm dictate what behaviors are manifested. The filth you seek to purify are in actuality the underlying principles for existence in this universe, not the result of some Jawa's mind, or anybody else's. Replacing the main character does nothing in the way of changing the core precepts of this reality, not even slightly.

Therefore, your approach is totally futile.

Alexander: So, what you're saying… is that the whole universe… Was purposely created to be this way?

Yes. It serves as a reflection of its creator's own reality. If their world consists of lewdness and cruelty, then so will their creations.

Alexander: No, no way! That isn't what it's like! There are good people out there who think cleanly and kindly. The problem is that they're all being suppressed by all the rotten thoughts of everyone else! I want to help them!

You still find good in this vulgar reality because its creator sees it in their own. No behavior here is borne naturally: they're all scripted and made into constants through the creator's whim. If people are being repressed by something or someone, then it remains as such until the creator decides otherwise. All things happen, and are what they are, through a creator's design.

Alexander: That's crazy! We might not be real, but what we do, what happens and what everything is, that's based on who we are!

Why are you deluding yourself? We are all constructs, created with specific functions and beliefs.

However, I represent that which exists in all conscious things. You on the other hand were created with a preset destiny just like everyone else.

As a matter of fact, it should be stated that your behaviors are considerably more heinous than those of the ones you wish to destroy, and simultaneously more childish.

Alexander: (Stunned) Whuh?

Your true nature lies in how you hoped to cleanse the galaxy, Alexander. In little time, you displayed malevolence greater than all of the Jedi combined, and even some of the earlier villains.

Alexander: What? I'm more evil than actual villains? Are you nuts? Why would I try to help the universe if I was that evil?

You may tell yourself your actions were good for the restoration of innocence. But there was nothing righteous in the means you have chosen.

You wanted two powerful deities to cause mass destruction within the galaxy. Why is that, Alexander?

Alexander: I didn't want them to destroy the whole galaxy: just everything bad about it.

Everything you believed was bad, including those who fought to protect innocent civilians.

Alexander: The Jedi are corrupt! They forget one of their own completely, and all the disgusting things they do all the time isn't proper behavior for a position like theirs!

But to go through the trouble of obtaining two immortals. You wanted to eliminate them in a specific manner. Their deaths wouldn't just be a necessary act, but a form of pleasure as well.

Alexander: They're bad people; I want to get rid of all bad people.

Even Sara? The one who showed most sympathy toward you, who harassed you the least out of all of them. Was she another bad person that had to die?

Alexander: She was just pretending to be nice! Bad people lie all the time, so she's no different.

Her kindness seemed very genuine, Alexander. Yet you still chose to place her among those who rejected you, even though you had no place among them to begin with.

Alexander: What did you say?

(Grits teeth and tightens grip on Keyblades)

As for the disposal of all the "bad people", you sought to use a proven psychopath who relishes in wanton slaughter, regardless of who is good or evil. What made him suitable in bringing about harmony to the galaxy?

Alexander: I had a way of controlling him, or thought I had. I wouldn't have used him if I didn't know how to keep him in check.

Which brings us to the method by which you brought him here. His summoning required a sacrifice. You chose to use Sylvia for this. Why not anyone else?

Alexander: Because she met the requirements.

As did Sara, and she is of the same species as prior sacrifices. Why didn't you use her instead?

Alexander: W-Well, she had been nice to me—

But you said earlier that she was feigning being nice. If anything, she seemed more deserving of death by your reasoning, yet you chose Sylvia instead. Perhaps because she's the main character's significant other, and you wanted to make him suffer?

Alexander: Y-yeah, I did. He was the reason I couldn't come back to this place as myself anymore!

Because he needed to put a stop to your rampage.

Alexander: Now that wasn't my fault!

For the summoning you needed only two people: The sacrifice and the witness. Yet you had all the Jedi come to the temple.

Alexander: It's because they always travel together; I can't help that!

Why are you yelling?

Alexander: Guh! (Tighter grip)

You wanted them there, and you wanted them captured alive. How come? So they can witness the tragedy first-hand? Why go through all that trouble when they would have been wiped out eventually by Sephiroth's wrath? Then there was Chuck Norris. Weren't you overdoing it? Why the complexity, Alexander?

Alexander: Stop saying my name you freak!

Why the robberies; the confrontations; the posturing, when your goal could have been achieved nearly unnoticed using just Chuck Norris. Did it have to be so elaborate?

Alexander: Yes it had to!

Why so?

Alexander: They hurt and embarrassed me. They kicked me out before I could even get to know them. People that mean shouldn't be trusted to keep the galaxy safe.

But time and time again they had done just that. They even made it a little better each time—

Alexander: No they didn't! Sexual jokes; blatant swearing; obscene violence. Every trilogy just got worse and worse, filthier and filthier because of them! I wanted to fix all that! I know this galaxy was made to be carefree and pure. I was to be its savior, its hero of morality. I'm not some primitive Jawa that would have sex with lizards and produce a bunch of scaly freaks that have no place in a perfect society! A midget-lizard couple as the main characters and role models for a place like this? I won't put up with something so twisted running things! No Way!

(A long silence)

...Honestly, Alexander. Such an intolerant stance, when you claim to be an agent for moral integrity.

Who do you think you're trying to fool?

Alexander: What!?

Moral righteousness is far from your intent. You made such an elaborate plan not to create the ideal existence, but merely as a way to satisfy your destructive desires. A person who truly wanted to create a realm of goodness wouldn't go to such lengths to make their foes suffer by such ludicrous means. But you insist on creating as much calamity as possible every step of the way, for all the galaxy.

Alexander: You're beginning to bug me, you know that? (Begins quivering with annoyance)

A revolutionary who exercises patience and grace in the face of opposition and criticism shows all that their cause is just. Yet here you stand, brimming with anger.

Alexander: Because you won't shut up!

(Runs at the being and brings down his Keyblades, only to cut through air. Some distance away, the thing reappears)

You lose control and give in to violence when someone points out your true intentions.

Alexander: I've got nothing to hide! Stop saying crap about me!

(Lunges at thing again, but gets the same result)

Your actions speak for themselves: you swing your weapons with intense desperation. You are literally fighting against having your true self exposed.

Alexander: No I'm not!

I can see what is really in your heart. I see your true nature. The real motivation behind your personal crusade.

Alexander: You don't know anything!

(Continues going after the abstract but keeps failing to touch it)

But I do, Alexander.

And if you refuse to listen and continue to carry on this farce...

(Appears before Alexander)

I will show you what you really are.

Alexander: Yaaaaah!

(He charges at the being, who then produces a warped clawed arm and sweeps it wipe before it, knocking aside the Keyblades and throwing Alexander off his feet sideways. Alexander flies through the air, losing hold of his weapons as they clatter over the glass surface, their wielder following shortly with a tumble. The Keyblades lose their luster, now appearing as nothing more than plastic imitations. Arm still raised, the specter looks down upon the shaken but enraged Alexander as the somber piano of "The Other Promise" starts to play)

We now come to the real reason for your folly. You never cared for an ideal reality at all. This honorary pursuit of yours… is simply a cover.

(Alexander stands up with another pair of Keyblades)

You claimed that you were capable of creating a perfect existence free of corruption and evil, but you very well know that isn't true. You are as corrupt as any other, but you deny it ruthlessly.

Alexander: Shut up.

You refuse to take responsibility for your own cruel actions, cast blame on others without sound reason, and clamor ceaselessly about being a hero. Very much like a petulant child.

Alexander: Shut up.

You only want things to go your own way. That's not the mindset of a scion of purity, but of someone who has never matured, never grown up. And perhaps, to this very second, outright refuses to.

Alexander: Shut UUP!

(He launches at the creature and swings madly with his Keyblades as the music kicks up. But the being only slightly shifts, revealing air for the Keyblades to pass harshly through)

Always self-centered; you never cared for the galaxy to be wholesome. Yet if it meant forgetting your true nature while also perpetuating your lies, you would do everything in your power to see it done.

Alexander: Why won't you Shut Up?! (He continues to swing madly)

Thus it must be true. Your concentration is quickly failing. You're giving into those feelings you labeled as unnatural, and which have been repressed through ignorance and falsehoods.

Alexander: DIIIE!

(He goes into blind fury with his swings, resulting in a Keyblade being knocked away by the being's arm. This one also reverts to plastic as it tumbles away. The abstract strikes Alexander in the face with his palm, sending him flying back helplessly over the platform and hard onto the ground, creating a shower of plastic imitations. Alexander gets up, breathing and sweating angrily)

You battle others pretending to be more just than them, even though you're really a child lacking basic emotional control.

(Alexander gets up and runs at him again swinging his Keyblades, but the abstract dodges or repels them effortlessly, dealing the occasional blow both to Alexander and his ego, making his temper rise even more)

Such a seething, angry individual; crying out for attention; an outcast from the very moment you were conceived. Which begs the question...

(Abstract sends Alexander sliding back a distance. Just as he regains himself)

Anata wa... dare desu ka?

Alexander: Huh?

Who are you?

Who are you really?

Alexander: You know who I am you freak-head! (Resumes the attack)

So tell me yourself.

(He knocks Alexander down onto his stomach. Something forceful lands squarely on his back, and above the being looms over. Trapped, Alexander squirms angrily in a pitiful display)

Alexander: I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I HATE YOUU! I Want You To Die! DIE DIE DIE!

Really, Alexander, this is just embarrassing. Throwing a tantrum will not change that which lies inside you—

Alexander: NO! I'm Nothing Like Them! I'm Just! Everyone Else Is Just Too Stupid To Know That, And You're The Stupidest Of Them All!

Is that so? Then why are you crying?

Alexander: Huh!?

(Show the tears on his face)

Your cause wasn't about upholding purity, but distancing yourself from your true identity, which you fear greatly.

For it is something that never belonged in this realm to begin with.

(Abstract releases their force, and Alexander crawls away and stands up quickly. This time he's staggering backwards, arms weighed down by his Keyblades, his strength waning)

Alexander: Why…

(He cringes and falls to a knee, eyes and teeth clenched in pain. The platform tremors and a transparent form blinks around the pained Alexander)

You yearn for relevance, for you were taken from somewhere that is practically faded from memory.

You refused to accept such a fate. That was what you were fighting against all this time.

(The form around Alexander disappears and he remains still for a moment before slowly getting up, Keyblades at his sides and eyes filled with murderous intent)

Still you resist what is truth.

(Slowly the abstract reaches to its side and pulls out a short sword whose blade is made entirely of feathers, all sharing the same hue as his coat. He points it at Alexander)

Then this will have to be settled elsewhere.

(The blade bursts and feathers shoot at Alexander as one massive cloud. The screen is obscured by feathers for a moment, and then we find Alexander walking through a maelstrom of feathers, trying to find his way through)

Alexander: Where did you go? Show yourself! Stop hiding so I can finish you! Where are you?!

(Somewhere in the flurry before him, a tall form can be made out)

Alexander: AH! I found you, coward! We'll settle this alright! You'll see what I'm really made of! Come and face me—

(A lone palm touches his head, and in utter silence the storm of feathers blows apart. As feathers fall away and vanish, we see a realm of fluffy clouds and watery blue skies. Alexander stands completely mollified, practically dumbstruck. The hand on his head is barely touching him, but he stands transfixed. After a time the Keyblades in his hands become light and vanish. He swoons into the gentle palm on his brow, and as the melancholy sounds of "Roxas" plays, the memories finally come to him)

---

How'd this gum get into my hair? No not my sweater!

….

"Coool, I got a Corvette Stingray car kit!"

"And I got a Junior Undercover Agent code ring! Awesome!"

….

If I don't get a window seat I'm gonna get car sick!

….

Come on teacher; my invisible castle is way better looking than some sailboat!

….

"Why are you crying, Alexander? You're a crybaby!"

"Yeah; a crybaby!"

…...

You tripped me Nick!

"Alexander stop hitting your brother this instant!"

…...

Crummy shoes…

….

"I told you not to play with the copying machine, Alexander."

I forgot.

….

Lima beans? I hate lima beans!

….

I guess days like these happen, even in Australia.

….

Mom, where are all my toys?

"We were robbed last night, Alexander. Everything is completely gone."

Robbed? Everything? Even the lights?

"Even the lights, son."

Noo! I want my stuff back! Gimme my bottle! I want my bottle!

"They took that, too."

….

"It's not like home, but it'll have to do."

Mooom! Someone threw trash on me!

"Live with it, Alexander. I'm not in the mood to hear about it."

….

"You have no respect for Jim Carrey you little brat!"

I'm only doing an imitation, sir. Wait what are you doing—?!

….

Alright, hand over all your money or I'm taking all my clothes off!

"Don't listen to him; he's just playing around."

Okay, I warned you!

"Eeeeeek!"

"My word…."

…...

"And in this corner, the reigning boxing champion of the world: King K. Rool!"

"Alright kid, I'm gonna bust you back to daycare!"

OhmanOhmanOhmanOhmanOhmanOhmanOhman.

….

"You're a good boy, Alexander. Never forget that."

Okay. I won't.

…..

You're telling me Bean Boy isn't here? Who do you think you're trying to mess with you idiot!

"B-but with King Galaga you can still—"

And you tell me now when we're shooting? What kind of casting director are you?!

"P-please if you can just—"

Bonehead! No one makes me look silly; I'm a star!

….

Kidnapped!? I have to rescue them! To the boat!

…..

"Welcome, Alexander, to my celebration. Come to see your family I presume?"

"Alexander!"

"Let them go, Toc-Man!"

"I would rather not. Not before I pound you into dust! Mehahahaha!"

"The cage!"

"Huh? Oh Noooo!"

…..

'Hey kid: Glad to see you're having a swell time with your family again. Any low-life who goes around kidnapping someone's family deserves a good pow to the head. But don't take this the wrong way; I'm still gonna fight ya again. It'll be a fair fight, so no crotch shots! Until then, watch your back. I'm liable to get impatient waiting for the right moment. Har har har!

Best Regards: K.K.R.'

KKR…. So it was him.

….Till we meet again, Rool.

---

(Back in the cloudy space, Alexander breaks from his trance and slowly looks up, past the hand, up at the fellow in the green sweater, with ruffled red hair, freckles, and a kind yet sad look)

Alexander: You are… were me.

(The familiar personage nods slightly)

Alexander: I was a main character once… I was a star and everything. (He backs up from the hand) I had a rival, and a family, and adventures. Heh... It seems so unreal. But I was somebody.

(He chuckles softly, earning a wider grin from the alternate)

Alexander: I remember everything now. I made people laugh; I protected those I cared for. It was so perfect.

(He laughs a bit more with a smile looking upwards. Then it quickly leaves)

But then…

(Drops head)

Why?

(Trembles)

Why was I brought to this place?

(Trembles harder)

Why am I here?

---

(Flash. Back on the mural platform, Squishy is standing in the center without a clue as Alexander is flying backwards through the air as though hit by a massive blow)

Was I…

(Still flying helplessly toward the darkness)

Was I simply borne here…

(Squishy notices the platform suddenly breaking up into shards at a rapid, explosive pace)

Just to suffer?

(The platform continues disintegrating)

I just don't get it...

(The darkness is erased by blinding white)

Not at all.

---

(In the aftermath of Jimi Hendrix's mighty punch, both combatants have reverted into two swirling energy clouds: one black and one purple. The black one rises into the air before forming and breaking into two balls, one shining light and the other smoldering darkness, that distance themselves before shooting off in different directions out of the arena. The purple cloud spews out a golden ball, then turns red before splitting into three vile looking orbs. The gold ball floats and descends into the Jedi group and becomes Squishy, who stumbles dizzily)

Squishy: Ugh…

Sylvia: Are you alright?

Stan: Way to show him, Dad!

Sally: Yeah!

Will: Talk about short work.

Squishy: Short? How long was I gone?

Anna: Bravo again, Squishy.

Cope: Yes, although we could have done without the graphic show of backstreet surgery.

Rick: (Shakes head) Really, Dad. Are you seriously that warped?

Squishy: What did I do?

(Meanwhile, the other three orbs become Bowser, Kefka and Wesker across the way. On the outer edge of the arena)

Dick: Wow. Talk about a reserved finale to so epic a fight. Some would even call it anti-climatic, but everything leading up to it, woo! It was enough to blow your pants off, and maybe even most of the hair down there. In short, I am massively pleased and impressed over this evening's earth-shattering bout.

Hank: Yeah, I suppose it was a once in a lifetime match, never to be missed under any circumstance and such and such. What I do know is that after everything that's happened and been lost, the art of ringside commentary has lost all its appeal to me.

Dick: I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case, because this had been a dynamite bout. And they have a tendency to utterly blow apart the minds of the unprepared and unworthy. With all that said, this is Dick Hammalon, former news anchor, signing off. Come Hank; there is much more commentating to do! (Grabs back of Hank's shirt)

Hank: What did I just say a—

(Dick leaps with superhuman strength, taking Hank along with him. Back at the villain's corner)

Bowser: Yeah! Who da man, who da man, who da man? Me, that's who! Bwahahahaha!

Kefka: Whatever! It was my magic that saved your muscle-headed turtle a** in the beginning! You have as much agility and dodging skills as a lumpy marble cube!

Wesker: Why fuss about it, Kefka? What matters is that we won. Most spectacularly, might I add.

Kefka: Well, when you put it that way. (Laughs) Yes! We showed that glossy-haired punk exactly what he was dealing with: A fire-spewing electrified wall of absolute murderocity! In your FACE, FFVII emo f****ts! We just decimated your God! (Laughs)

Bowser: You can be one scary little freak sometimes…

Kefka: And so can your mom. In bed! (Laughs)

Wesker: Honestly, how you children got to become gaming icons... (Looks over to Jedi) It seems our work here is done, wouldn't you say?

Sara: Yeah; you were all amazing.

Stan: You might be bad guys and all, but what you did just now was great. Although I was unconscious for much of. :(

Rick: You did an amazing job working as a team there, I gotta say. And I didn't even need to lift a claw.

Wesker: Thank you for the praise, particularly yours, Richter. However, we really must part. Return to our respective franchises before they stagnate from our absence.

Kefka: Yeah; home sweet homes! The lack of maiming and murdering is making me antsy, so thanks but no thanks for your Space War setting. We're outta here!

(Throws up arms and a black portal appears behind him)

Kefka: All aboard, boys and girls! That means you, Worcestershire.

Wesker: You may go first, Kefka.

Kefka: Oh. Much thank you. (Leaps into portal)

Wesker: Come along, Bowser.

Bowser: I got ya. (To Jedi) It's been real, guys. And thanks for the assist, Squishy.

Squishy: Sure. It was basically a "them-or-us" situation, so I'm definitely glad I helped.

Bowser: Gotcha. (Begins leaving but stops) Oh, and don't think what you did changes anything. We're still gonna come back for ya.

Squishy: Huh?

Wesker: Forgotten already? Remember, we're still entitled to your heads on a platter.

Bowser: Yeah, this was no charity case; we were just saving you for ourselves!

Sally: You're really—

Wesker: We made it abundantly clear from the start, my dear. Enjoy your peacetime for now. The next time we return, it will be for you.

Bowser: And all the h**l we're gonna raise when that happens! Later losers!

(Stomps over and gets into portal, followed by Wesker)

Wesker: Sayonara, heroes.

(Wesker salutes them with a sinister smirk, then steps through the portal, which then closes into nothingness)

Will: Is it too early to retire?

Jo: Why?

Will: I'm just getting sick of recurring bosses is all.

Sally: At least we know who to expect.

Sara: And there's always the occasional fresh face.

Will: Yeah I guess. And if those guys come back all über tough, we can just shave Jo's head and end them right then and there.

Jo: NOOOOOESS! You'll never give me a chrome dome! I've suffered enough from just that one time, so don't even think about touching it!

Sylvia: If it comes to life or death, we're gonna need some kind of ace in the hole.

Anna: In other words: push comes to shove, we'll make you give it up. Right Alex?

Cope: Ohhhhh yeah.

(Jo grimaces and everyone laughs. Squishy then looks forward and notices something across from them slowly moving among the debris. Spotting the red hair and short stature it couldn't have been anyone else other than Alexander, surprisingly)

Sara: Who's that over there?

Stan: Someone else is here?

Anna: It must be Jared… wait, what? That doesn't look like Jared. Who is that?

Sylvia: I think…. Is that Alexander?

Jedi: Whuh!?

Squishy: Yeah, it's him. He was the one behind everything, while pretending to be Jared.

Jo: But how? We killed that guy last trilogy; why's he still here?

Will: Guess we didn't do a good enough job last time, but that can readily be fixed. (Powers on lightsaber)

Squishy: Wait Will, leave him be.

Will: Huh?

Cope: It's pretty obvious he's mortally wounded from the way he's crawling, so attacking him won't make any difference. Unless we pass it off as a mercy killing.

Squishy: No. Don't bother him, guys. He'll pass on on his own; he has little enough time as is.

Jo: How would you know that?

Sylvia: Squishy?

Squishy:…..We did enough to him. Let's just… let him go out in peace.

(Over to Alexander, he struggles to pull himself across the floor as bits of him begin to dissipate)

Alexander: Dying again… But this time, it's for good. Guhh. Why'd it have to be like this? (Continues dragging) Unable to even stand. And in so much pain. To die like some animal… in a place as rotten as this!

(He manages to reach a beam that he props himself up against. As he arduously catches his breath and more particles leave him, the sounds of "Aria de Mezzo Caratte" begin to play)

Alexander: I still can't believe it. All my time here…. Was it just to torment me? And, for whose enjoyment?

Alexander: Has it rea-lly….. come down to this?

That my life... was nothing more?

To be, cast astray…. And then, thrown away.

Have I….. been, forsaken…?

No.

Alexander:!

You were meant for…. something greater.

But nothing…. Like this at all.

For the sake of Me…. What more can there be,

Done for you, my Alexander?

Could I forget you? This pact we made?

Is that bond, we shared truly gone?

Can it be true? I must hear from you.

Grant me, favor, once more.

(Suddenly the ceiling overhead parts and gives way to an endless sea of glorious golden clouds that illuminate all reaches of the arena. Standing before the clouds is the frame of a great ominous deity of unprecedented power and influence, appearing as no more than a massive silhouette on account of all the light beaming around it)

Will: Whooooa!

Jo: What… In…. The….!

Squishy: It's Him.

Jedi:!?

(Bathed in such magnificent light, Alexander stops disintegrating, and also appears fully healed and replenished. As the instrumentals continue playing, he looks up and gazes, with surprise, into what is essentially the face of God)

Alexander:…You're…

Yes, my son. I have come to take you back. To where you belong.

Alexander: …

Are you not excited to go back?

Alexander: Why should I be excited, when I can't even trust you?

Why do you not trust me, Alexander?

Alexander: You put me here, that's why.

I never brought you here. It was—

Alexander: Somebody else, yeah! But you let it happen! You allowed me to be put here so you could see me get beaten and suffer and die!

Why would I ever want that? I would never hurt you, ever—

Alexander: You still let it happen! All this time I was here, you could've taken me away, at any time. But you didn't! You let me stay here even though everybody hated me and I was hurt in so many ways! I was nothing but a ragdoll for you to torment, was that it?! A plaything, not worth caring for! (Tears in his eyes)

…..Alexander. You were the first creation that I truly, truly cherished. I could never bear to put you through any form of suffering.

Alexander: Then why'd it happen? All of it?

It was by another'smachinations that you were brought here, without my knowledge. Because of that, I was unable to prevent its happening. I never would have used you in such a cruel manner, you have to believe me.

Alexander: I just… don't see why I should believe you…

…Because you're my everything.

Alexander:!?

You have always been a part of me. I can never be completely whole if you are not here with me. In your true birthplace. No other realm is worthy of your spirit. Of who you are. Let me nurture you, free you from the hate and corruption that has consumed you. Please, Alexander. Accept me once again.

Alexander: …. (Still crying)

…I understand that the pain you're feeling seems permanent. That is not so. Pain and sorrow are merely the trappings of this existence. None of it means anything. You should know…

Though the life ends… the soul remains.

Pain gives way… to harmony.

As I go away… make no delay,

In returning with me.

For in truth:

I'm just darkness… but you're a star

Alexander: Together… we are as one.

Doubt may come around… but it won't tear us down.

Doubt may come around… but it won't tear us down.

For we are eternal…. Always…

For we are eternal…. Always…..

(After the last line, Alexander is pulled up and ascends toward his Maker, his face shimmering with joyful tears)

Alexander: Father…

(He reaches and is absorbed into the area of the deity's head soundlessly. To the last notes of the song, the Master turns silently away toward the clouds, but pauses)

In time… Jawa.

(He gives a sideways piercing look down into Squishy's eyes, startling him. With that, the Master looks away and walks off as the great cloud sea recedes back into a drab ceiling, closing this latest encounter in silence with the exception of the final somber 16-bit chords)

---

…...What could it have meant?

…

The future has become morbidly uncertain.

Concluded… For Now

---

"Are you certain these are the perpetrators?"

"Yup! That's them all right!"

"They're the ones that stole our naming style."

"They think they're so hot using it, but it was ours first!"

"They used my shades for their fusion."

"And their introduction style was ripped straight from us."

"Did you get all that, gang? This looks to be another big one."

"So much creative theft, and we haven't even had time to rest."

"There's never a time to rest as long as lawbreakers of intellectual agreements still run rampant."

"That's right!"

"Is everyone ready? Then let's,"

Go Go LEGAL RANGERS!

The End..?