Chapter Two

Harry Potter may be only six years old but he noticed way more than his mum and his uncles give him credit for.

He heard them all the time; his mum and his uncles arguing. And it was always about the same thing.

James Potter. Or, well, his dad according to them all. His dad that he'd never seen except in pictures.

And he could see it, every time his Uncle Remus and Uncle Sirius were in the same room as one another, that something was wrong. Not to do with his dad, then, but just to do with them. As if they didn't really like each other much.

And he knew about his mum, too. That she was waiting for something - someone - always waiting, for his dad to come home.

They never really spoke about him - his dad - not to Harry, anyway. Just stories that Harry found difficult to separate from the fairy tales his mum would tell him at bedtime. His Uncle Sirius would say he was a brave man, that Harry was just like him - Harry wasn't sure what made him so brave - and that James - his dad - loved him very much.

His mum just said that 'daddy' had to go away. And when he used to ask her more, press further and ask when he'd be coming back, she'd look at either one of his uncles or at the floor or at the door. Either way, she'd just look away, and he wouldn't get an answer. He didn't know what that meant. When Harry lied - not that he was allowed to lie - he'd always look away. Otherwise people could tell right away what he was saying wasn't true.

So, did that mean his dad wasn't really going to come back? That his mum was lying - telling stories - because she didn't want him to cry?

Harry wouldn't cry. Not now. He'd heard all about it - the things that happened in the war - and he knew people sometimes would die. Some, even, just disappeared completely and no one ever knew where they went. And Harry eventually, for a long time, just guessed that was what had happened to his dad.

But the last time he saw Ron, he told him the truth. His dad was in St Mungo's because of what Death Eaters had done to him. When Harry asked how he knew, he told him that he heard his mum and dad talking about it and then his brother George had told him it was true.

Which made no sense. How could Ron know more about Harry's own dad, than he did?

"We did tell you the truth, Harry," his Uncle Sirius attempted to explain, as he sat down next to him on the couch, "We never lied to you."

"You said he had to go away," the six year old said, accusingly.

Sirius sighed and nodded, "That's right. He did."

"But he didn't go away," Harry said, impatiently, becoming frustrated, "He's at St Mungo's. I'm not stupid, you know."

His uncle looked surprised for a moment before regarding him with a smile and he reached over to tousle his hair.

"No, you're not," he agreed, looking thoughtful, before he went on, "Harry, when we said your dad's gone...we meant that...what we meant is it's not really your dad that's there."

Harry was confused.

"How could my dad be there but not really there?"

Sirius shifted and glanced at the door. Harry realised he was hoping that his mum would come home, then he wouldn't have to be the one to tell him.

Fat chance.

His mum was much too busy to come home in the middle of the day.

"Harry, it's...you see how you and me talk," he began, "and how we play?"

"Yeah?"

"Well," Sirius' voice became softer, his hand on Harry's arm, "Well, your dad used to do all that. But...he can't anymore."

"How come?"

"Because...because he was hurt," Sirius said, before putting his arm around him and pulling Harry into a sort-of hug, "You said Ron told you that Death Eaters hurt him?"

Harry nodded and Sirius nodded as well, telling him it was true.

Harry frowned, still not really understanding.

"But, he's still there isn't he? Just because he can't play, that doesn't mean he's gone."

He looked up at his Uncle Sirius curiously, who looked very befuddled, now, as he tried to work out what to say; "Well...you see...Harry, he isn't the same man he was," he squeezed his shoulder, "It's...it's like there's no one really there," he stopped before looking at the boy, "It's like there's no one inside anymore."

Harry's brow furrowed in continued confusion as he looked away, thoughtfully. A moment later he looked at Sirius questioningly.

"You mean, like his soul is gone?"

Sirius looked stunned for a moment before he smiled softly and nodded, "Yes. That's...that's exactly what it is."

"And no one's really anything without a soul," Harry said, with innocent thoughtfulness, "Right?"

Sirius looked tongue-tied for a moment and then, when Harry looked closer, he realised - with a jolt - that his uncle was upset. Feeling guilty, he quickly wrapped his arms around Sirius' waist and gave him a tight hug.

"It's okay, Uncle Sirius. I understand."

Harry heard him laugh before he felt his uncle press a kiss to the top of his head.

"Better than I expected you to, I'll give you that. Just as smart as your dad was, you are."

Harry smiled back at him, only slightly this time. He looked down at the floor, becoming contemplative once again.

His godfather ruffled his hair again; "You alright?"

Harry didn't respond for a minute, before he looked up and spoke, uncertainly, "Ron says..." he hesitated, but Sirius' warm look gave him a boost in confidence. He smiled, slightly sheepishly.

"Ron says that...that you are like my dad," he stated, "Because you live with me and mum," he continued, and then went on, "And because you come to all my school things, and, you know, because you help me when I need it. And, you and mum love each other, right?" he hesitated, noting his uncle's expression. He shied away, slightly, "You think I'm being silly."

Sirius smiled and shook his head, "No, I don't think you're being silly," he frowned a little, "I'm...I just think you might be a bit...confused."

Harry crossed his arms and glared at him.

"I'm not a baby," he snapped.

"Harry, I know that," Sirius laughed, softly, "But...the way me and your mum love each other is very different. It's not the same as the way your dad and her loved each other. And the way your dad loved you, is different from the way I love you."

"But...How? Why?" Harry hesitated, not really sure if what he was going to say would be taken well; "I love you more than I love him..." he paused, "And...and I love Uncle Remus more than I love him, too. And mum's not here that much..." He looked at him, bewildered by his own feelings, "And Ron said that you're supposed to love your mum and dad more than anyone else!"

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, before looking at his godson, his expression full of sympathy when he did.

"Harry, Ron's family life is very different from yours. And it's okay for you to have feelings that don't seem right to other people," he pressed a finger to the little boy's chest with a smile, "Don't let anyone tell you any different."

Harry looked down for a moment, before he looked up and regarded his godfather carefully. After a few seconds he smiled brightly, "Can you take me to that muggle carnival now? You promised you would."

Sirius looked surprised for a moment before he laughed and, releasing the boy from his embrace, gave him a gentle punch on the arm, "Sure. Go and get your muggle clothes on."

"Okay!" Harry called excitedly, as he hurried from the room.

Any questions he had about James Potter fully satisfied for the time being.

Sirius debated whether or not to tell Lily the full details of his discussion with Harry.

Of course he would have to tell her about his questions regarding James, and the answers he'd given to those questions. But, what Sirius wasn't so sure about, was telling her that her son was beginning to become confused by the 'family dynamics', to put it simply. After all, Sirius was used to having them living with him - more than that, he enjoyed having them live with him, particularly due to the bond he had been able to develop with Harry - and, really, the last thing he wanted was to scare the two of them off.

Not that it was likely, Sirius reasoned with himself, considering Lily's current circumstances. She needed him - much as she hated to admit it and he loved to gloat - there, to help out with Harry. Especially now that she'd decided to take on this ridiculous Fellowship that Sirius was convinced was a complete waste of her time.

After leaving Hogwarts, James had been quick to move in with Sirius and, not long after they joined the Order, Lily also moved in to theirs.

It wasn't all that much later - just before he and Lily married - that James had bought a larger house and asked Sirius to come along with them, keep the gang together.

Sirius wasn't sure how Lily had felt about that at the time - he could probably have a pretty accurate guess - but she had kept quiet any objections, at least when he was around. And he certainly wasn't going to let something like marriage get in the way of his bond of brotherhood with James. So, with him he went. And, therefore - with the exception of when James and Lily went into hiding - Sirius had always been used to Lily living with him. A permanent fixture in his home and life - a sister - and he was pretty comfortable with how that all turned out.

After the events of 1981, she and Harry had come back. They hadn't even really discussed it.

But Lily had made it very evident to him that she appreciated him being there frequently during the first few months. She was often afraid - though she did her best to hide it - that Death Eaters were going to come back. Come after her and Harry again, as they had done with her and James immediately following the war. It was something they'd all been worried about, back then, everyone who'd served in the Order. So, during those few months Remus had also stayed with them. Safety in numbers.

Over time Remus eventually moved back to his own place - not coming back on month after the full moon - and nothing else was said. Neither Lily nor Sirius had suggested he leave in the time that passed; nor had it even came up theoretically.

It was simply normality.

The only person who had ever questioned the living situation was, apparently, Harry. And Sirius - following their earlier conversation - was left wondering exactly how long his godson had been bothering himself with the thought. Not to mention the additional thoughts - the obvious turmoil - that Harry was putting himself through, trying to figure out his feelings for James.

Sirius sighed in resignation.

He would have to tell Lily. Even if it did lead to her deciding it was time for him to leave them, if that was better for Harry...

He almost jumped - startled from his thoughts - when the door slammed closed behind him.

He looked over his shoulder, shooting a smile in greeting; "Hey, Lil'."

"Sirius!" Lily was positively beaming as she hurried over to him - it'd been a long while since he'd seen that smile - and she told went on; "Sirius, you'll never guess what happened."

Lily thrust out at envelope to him. Sirius regarded her carefully, completely taken aback by the unusual elation, before taking the envelope from her hands.

"What happened?" he asked, keeping his eyes on her, as he slowly opened the envelope.

"I was accepted," she said, her eyes and smile bright.

Sirius' brow furrowed slightly; surely not...

"To the Fellowship," she elaborated, and his hands froze, "For the Aurelius Foundation, you remember?"

Of course I remember.

After all, it was something that stemmed from one of their most frequent, heated arguments; her fixation on finding a cure for James.

Sirius' brow furrowed once again.

How was this possible?

He had looked into the project thoroughly once Lily had mentioned it to him and was certain that she didn't qualify to be accepted. He had almost - in his worry - considered going to Regulus - which would be stupid, for a whole number of reasons - and the fact his brother was far more likely to intervene and do the exact opposite of what he asked - whatever that may be - was all that held him off from crawling to him. Again.

Sirius started when he noticed Lily looking at him expectantly and realised he'd been staring. Dreaming.

He cleared his throat and pulled out the letter that was in the envelope. He glanced down at it briefly, taking in what it said; which was simply that they were pleased to offer her a place on Project Dorado within the Aurelius Foundation, with preliminary training due to commence two weeks following.

Sirius shrugged slightly, conceding defeat, and attempted to find something positive about this. He supposed her being accepted despite not being fully qualified was something that she should be proud of, something he should congratulate her for and share her delight in. And he normally would...

The letter was suddenly snatched from his hands, startling him from his thoughts. He immediately noticed the hurt and annoyance on Lily's face and quickly recovered himself.

"That's great, Lily. Congratulations."

"You don't have to pretend to be pleased for me, Sirius," she said, shortly, making her way towards the kitchen, "I can already see what you're thinking."

Sirius got up and followed, "Just trying to be a friend, Lil'."

Lily glanced over her shoulder with a raised eyebrow.

"A friend would be pleased that I'd gotten a place on such a prestigious fellowship."

"Ah," he raised a finger, "But a good friend would understand why this particular fellowship isn't in your best interests."

She rolled her eyes, "I assume Harry's asleep?"

"Yes," Sirius confirmed, "He tried to wait up."

She nodded, "It's good that he didn't, it's late."

"Yeah, it is," Sirius agreed, before going on as he remembered part of what his godson had said to him earlier; "You'll probably be out a lot later, a lot more than you already are, when you start this project."

"I suppose that's true," she agreed, beginning to pour herself a glass of milk, "But I can handle it."

"But can Harry?"

Lily's hand paused, her hand that held the milk carton suspended in mid-air for a moment. She turned dark eyes on him - a warning, really.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Sirius hesitated, only slightly uncertain about what he was about to say.

"Just that Harry's been mentioning you being away a lot. He's starting to think it's normal that you're not home."

"Are you suggesting I'm not taking care of my son?" she asked, quickly, defensively.

"Well, who's the one here when he gets home from school?"

Lily's eyes flashed furiously. It was a familiar sight, really, so he wasn't too alarmed.

"Sirius, if this is one of your tactics to stop me from accepting this fellowship," she seethed, "Then you can just stop right now."

"Look, it's not about the bloody fellowship, it's about Harry –"

"Well, if it bothers you that much being here, I'm sure Remus would be more than happy to stay with him while I'm at work –"

"That's not what I meant!"

"No, really, Sirius," she stopped him, holding up a hand, "If my son is such a burden –"

"Don't give me that!" he spat, his temper successfully ignited by the accusation, "You know that's not what I meant. I'd never complain about taking care of him. It's just be nice if the kid knew that his own mother cared about him just as much."

She held a finger to his face; "Don't you dare say that I'm not a good mother. Everything I'm doing is for Harry," her eyes darkened, angrily; "He knows that."

Sirius was ready to state that her son didn't know that, but he didn't really know himself what Harry knew. Yes, he knew he was confused, that he was curious, even concerned. But - as far as Sirius could remember - he had never questioned his mother's love for him or even why his mother was never home.

Maybe he knew that Lily was trying to get his father back for him?

"Mum?"

They both turned at the small voice that sounded by the door.

Harry stood there, rubbing his eyes, sleepily.

He smiled at them, "You're home."

Sirius glanced over at Lily; notice the look she gave him, the guilty expression. She swallowed it away - the guilt - before she smiled brightly at her son and walked over to him, leaning down to give him a kiss and draw him into a hug.

"Hello, baby," she leaned back to look at him, "You should be asleep."

Harry shrugged, "I can't sleep."

They both knew it was a lie. They could tell from his disheveled appearance - those bleary eyes - that he had already been asleep, and had likely woken to the sounds of their argument.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Lily reached up, rubbing his cheek with her thumb. Harry drew back bashfully with a smile.

"Do you want me to read you a story?" she asked him.

Harry's eyes widened before he nodded quickly; "Uh huh."

"Okay," Lily stood up; "Say goodnight to Uncle Sirius."

Harry hurried over to him, giving him a brief hug and fleeing from the room.

"Night, Uncle Sirius!" he called over his shoulder.

"Goodnight, Harry," he called back before his eyes met with Lily's.

The two of them held the look for a moment. Sirius wasn't really sure what her look was meant to convey and before he had a chance to figure it, or to ask, she had turned and followed her son from the room.

"You're a right dunderhead."

Regulus Black, with his usual, irritating, twinkling eyes and teasing smirk, was regarding him over his pumpkin juice.

Severus couldn't, for the life of him, give a reason why he had mentioned the fact that he had encouraged - and by doing so actually brought about - the employment of such an inappropriate candidate for the fellowship position.

Regulus had been baffled at what Severus had done, once the paperwork had crossed his desk, and remained confused during his entire explanation of the dilemma until he finally asked who the candidate in question was.

The look of realisation on Regulus' face when he told him – Lily Potter – had horrified him.

Severus had never really considered how transparent his feelings towards Lily had been to Regulus over the years. After all, after they had left Hogwarts he had barely, if ever, mentioned her. And he and Regulus had barely conversed, themselves, during their time at school but, he supposed, that his and Lily's friendship had been enough of a scandal back then, that Regulus would have heard about it.

If Severus were honest with himself - if he had actually been paying attention to anything other than spying in those final months - he could easily concede that Regulus had had an inkling of them, at least ever since the Dark Lord had announced his intentions to hunt the Potter family. Severus had been beyond frantic and Regulus, while never actually making any frank statements regarding Lily, had often dropped hints that he knew of Severus' feelings and his change of loyalties.

Thinking back now, he supposed it was rather suspicious that Regulus had never actually pushed him for his reasons for turning to Dumbledore. Neither of them had known for sure that the other had turned during the war - neither would have the other be complicit in their defection - and it wasn't until after the Dark Lord had fallen and Dumbledore had vouched on both of their behalf that each of them discovered the other's change in loyalties.

Severus had been swiftly exonerated, his own role far more willing to be exposed; a spy, who'd turned and provided critical information in those final days.

Not so in Regulus' case - the secret of the horcrux to remain as such, though Severus did not know of that at the time - and so, Regulus had gone to trial. It was a case that had collapsed within days - no one willing to come forward - and Dumbledore's character testimony ended up being entirely unnecessary in the first place.

"Wipe that stupid smirk off your face," Severus snapped, rolling his eyes, feeling increasingly irritated. What he had told him was not amusing in the least!

"Or what, you'll take ten points off Slytherin?" Regulus chuckled, eyeing him with undisguised amusement, "You don't scare me, Severus. I'm not one of your students."

Severus glared at him, before responding with a completely off-topic statement; "My students aren't afraid of me."

Regulus snorted, "That's not what Andromeda says; little Dora's petrified of you."

Tonks was afraid of him? Why, the little...he had never said a bad word to her in her life!

"Well it would do her well to develop a thicker skin," Severus said, tersely, "I treat all my students equally."

"Hence, they are all afraid of you."

Severus didn't really want to think about that.

He had done his best with the students entrusted in his care. True, he was a little short with them at times but he was determined that they should learn. How else would they be able to protect themselves when the Dark Lord returned? What good would it do them if he were to pat their backs and wipes their noses. They needed to be pushed and to learn how to take care of themselves. Coddling children, particularly at such a fragile age, would do nothing to help them in the future, other than turn them into incompetent pansies completely incapable of defending themselves or making any useful contribution to the war effort.

Besides, there were far more pressing things on his mind.

Lily Evans.

Lily Potter, he reminded himself. The name, not even spoken, left a bitter taste in his mouth. He still found it as difficult to comprehend now, as he did the day he'd seen them together for the first time, all those years before at Hogwarts. That someone as intelligent, as beautiful, as wonderful as Lily Evans should be drawn in by the likes of James Potter was so baffling, so absurd to him that he could not quite believe that it was reality when he did.

Severus rolled his eyes at his own thoughts. Thinking about Lily and Potter made him feel like he was back at school again, he mused, as he was once again filled with the same bitterness he had felt while at Hogwarts. Days long ago passed - no longer thought of by him - for such thoughts would do no good to him now.

What happened in the past was irrelevant...to an extent, anyway.

And, obviously, Potter wasn't someone he was willing to concern himself with. Never would again, as far as he was concerned.

But, now, thoughts of Lily filled his mind - and had done for the past two weeks - so much so, that he could have been a silly teenage boy again.

A fool.

A dunderhead, as Regulus called him.

The introductory meeting for Project Dorado was in a couple of days and he had found himself becoming increasingly nervous at the idea of coming face to face with her once again. Severus did not get nervous. Not anymore. Certainly, he should not do so.

He and Lily had occasionally passed one another since the war ended; once during a Hogsmeade festival, twice in Diagon Alley. Both times they hadn't acknowledged one another. He had seen her, had wanted - but didn't - to greet her, and he had noticed Lily glance at him out the corner of her eye.

But they had never spoken.

And that's what weighed most on his mind.

What would he say, when they were forced by circumstance - of this project, a situation of his own making - to actually converse with one another.

What did they have to say to one another, really?

How's life?

Lily's life, he was aware, was not one of joy. A truth he was able to draw from the simple fact that she had bothered to apply for this fellowship, at all, despite not being qualified for it, something he was certain was entirely due to the current situation with James Potter. He had heard about it. And clearly she still held out hope for his recovery; indeed, apparently, willing to do everything she could to aid it.

Severus wondered if she would have done the same for him if...

Stop.

He would not allow himself to think of such trivial matters. Of ridiculous fantasies. Of how things might have been.

It was irrational and a complete waste of time. They were no longer children; they were adults. And soon to be work colleagues.

Severus was certain he had the maturity to conduct himself as such.

He had gotten himself into worse situations - no one could refute that - and how irrational would it be if he were able to handle spying on one of the most powerful wizards of all time, for one of the other most powerful wizards of all time, and not be able to handle being in the same room with Lily Potter?

Severus was only mildly comforted by the thought. He had a feeling - a dreadful on at that - that if just thinking about Lily Potter could take him back to the time that he was that scared, insecure little boy...

Well, seeing her again, in the flesh, may very well have the same affect.

Severus sighed in exasperation, that feeling of nervousness beginning to come over him once more at the thought.

He really couldn't predict how their first meeting would go.

Would it be hostile? Possibly.

Would it be awkward? Most definitely.

Friendly?

Severus scoffed at the last idea; of course it wouldn't be friendly. Of that he was certain.

He rolled his eyes at himself, before they focused once again on Regulus; who was regarding him with that same sparkle in his eyes and that teasing, all-too-knowing grin.

Severus scowled at him.

And Regulus laughed.