Chapter Five

Well.

That was awkward.

Severus' eyes lingered upon the door to his office, once Lily had left the room, before he took a seat behind his desk. He was unable to keep his mind from wandering – from lingering upon her – even if he tried.

It was somewhat strange to him. To have an existing reason for thinking about her.

Since the Dark Lord had fallen five years previously, Severus had rarely allowed himself to dwell on it. On his once best friend – long ago lost to him – and all else that quickly stirred up when he did.

There were the lesser of the evils – if one could call them that, for they still brought a somewhat bitter taste to his mouth – their severance, James Potter, the Marauders.

And then, of course, came the rest. The worst of it. All that had happened next. The Dark Lord. The prophecy. The very fact that it was the threat to Lily, itself, that pulled him back.

Severus kept all of that under lock and key, buried deep down in his mind, so that even he struggled to pull them back up again – much less a Legillimens – ever since the Dark Lord had fallen and Lily had been confirmed safe, at last, to him.

Indeed, Severus wasn't ashamed to admit, that in the few months that followed the Dark Lord's fall he had considered the possibility of renewing his acquaintance with her. Just to see that she was okay, he had told himself – had lied to himself, still a foolish boy – but he knew, even then, deep down, that he wanted more and that he would always want more and that it was something she would never be able to give.

Lily had still been entirely devoted to Potter. Dumbledore had warned him of that – warned him off, Severus realised in hindsight.

Hopelessly devoted. Even now, it seemed.

And with the Dark Lord's fall and Lily's survival, Severus had a second chance.

And he had taken it.

He had said goodbye to his own foolish, hopeless dreams of Lily Evans and he had moved on.

Five years later, here he was.

Severus had everything he had ever wanted. Everything he had ever dreamed of before he met Lily Evans.

He was respected, admired. He was part of something – something big – that made a difference in the Wizarding World. Before her, that was all he had ever wanted. To rise.

But there was a part of himself – a part he couldn't help – that still kept a hold of her in his heart. He had met her, after all, and he had known her. As much as he tried to push it all down, he couldn't ever forget.

He didn't think about her consciously, no. Nor did he dwell on what had passed. But he could never be with another woman the way he had always wanted with her.

There had been ladies in his life, of course. Brief, inconsequential – on his side at least, he reminded himself with mild amusement and sheepishness – and it was only during times such as those, times when a woman had questioned his intentions, asked him those awkward questions about marriage, children, shared houses, shared lives, that he had found himself thinking about her.

That was what he had wanted. Severus had loved her, and it was sure and true. He may have let go of Lily. He may have moved on – from the future he had envisioned with her – but with that he had let go of that dream. He had let go of hoping for a family.

The adjourning door to his office opened, suddenly – the one that led into Regulus' – and Regulus, himself, stepped through, shooting him a grin.

"How'd it go?"

Severus put a hand on the scrolls of parchment – the minutes that had been made of the meeting – and pushed them Regulus' way; "Everything of interest, you'll find in here."

"Oh, I doubt that, Sev," Regulus' eyebrows wiggled – infuriatingly knowingly – as he headed over and snatched up the parchments. But he didn't press, simply said; "I'll see you back at the house?"

"Hogwarts tonight."

Regulus simply gave a nod.

As Severus liked it.

He doubted he'd ever live with anyone other than the man before him.

Their arrangement was perfect.

If he wanted company, he would simply find himself in their shared residence, where Regulus would often be doing whatever he happened to be doing and, more often than not, he would then lose focus on whatever that happened to be and begin pestering and mocking him about whatever caught his fancy.

That was all the sociability Severus could particularly stand, as it was.

And if Severus didn't want to deal with another's company – such as tonight – he would simply remain in his chambers at Hogwarts.

There would be no heckling or hurt feelings; Regulus accepted it without question.

"Perhaps there's somewhere else you'd rather be, tonight?" Severus suggested, leaning back as he eyed Regulus where he stood, looking through the notes he'd given him; "With someone even?"

Regulus' eyes stilled over the words he was reading. But he didn't look up. The stilling of his eyes for that brief moment the only indication that he'd even heard.

And then he cleared his throat, before saying – "Night, Severus," – and he headed from the room.

It was easy with Regulus.

In fact, Regulus had surprised him with how easy friendship could be.

He had never had that. Not with Lily, nor with his housemates while he was at Hogwarts.

They had, before, Severus supposed. They had spoken about anything and everything before they went to that school; had never feared offending the other, had even teased one another, as children always did.

But as soon as Lily had learned the prejudices she would soon face, her carefree attitude had changed. She could interpret the most innocent little thing as something entirely different and then blow the whole thing out of proportion.

Lily was quite the drama queen, he remembered, overreacting at everything.

Not to mention, incredibly defensive.

Lily would attack before she could be attacked and, he supposed, that's what made his slip that final time so horrifying. She hadn't seen it coming. But she had hit back just as hard as he would have expected from her; more so, as it happened.

But she had been steadfast in her friendship with him, until that point, and had been the only person who had ever really cared about him in those difficult years.

Lily was his first. The first person who had ever made him feel like he was worth anything.

Severus rolled his eyes at his thoughts.

Getting sentimental, Severus?

Wasting your time pondering on things that no longer mattered.

Except that they did matter. Now they did; at least somewhat. She was back in his life and, even after their first meeting, their reunion – from which he had simply been pleased to have emerged unscathed – he was still unsure as to how to approach her.

The unexpected encounter in his office – the awkwardness of that, far worse than the initial meeting – was surely a glimpse of things to come. In his nervousness, his staring and insults – both entirely accidental – had obviously offended her.

Not that it mattered had she been offended, Severus scoffed at his own thoughts – for it's not as if Lily Potter held him in any high regard – and, if she were anything like the girl he had once known, by accidentally doing so, he most likely would have ignited that fire within her that wouldn't rest until she had proven him wrong.

Which, in this case, he dearly hoped he would be.

The last thing he needed nor wanted was Hopkins on his back, asking him why on Earth he had advocated for her selection. And he could only imagine Regulus' and Andromeda's amusement – their joint teasing always particularly animated when they got together – when word got out.

The project – and, not to mention, his reputation – were on the line, here, that's what he told himself.

Severus attempted to convince himself that was all that concerned him.

That it wasn't, in any way, that distant look in her eyes when they'd finally seen one another again all these years later. Her indifference and her polite exterior, so entirely unlike the girl he had once known.

It didn't bother him, not at all, that she was back in his life, but not part of it.

It didn't bother him that the reason she had come to him again had been because of him.

For the first time in five years, Severus was unable to reason with his mind the way he had always been able to.

His mind lingered all the same.

Entirely unable to convince himself with the thought that he didn't care. That it didn't matter.

It did matter to him.

She still mattered to him, as much as that frustrated him.

He didn't want that anymore.

He didn't want to care.

But it was that that didn't matter. It didn't matter that he didn't want to care because he did. One night with Lily Potter – with barely a handful of words spoken between them – had been enough for him to see it.

To remind him of it all.

And so. Just like that, Lily Potter had walked back into his life.

And – just as she had done when they were children – Severus was certain she was about to turn it upside down.

It infuriated him.

And it thrilled him.

Terrified him.

Elated him.

As always, there was no rationalising his feelings when it came to Lily Evans.

"I really don't think it's a good idea, Remus," Lily glanced through the doorway into the living room, where Harry still remained curled up asleep on the couch.

"Lily, please," his tone was almost pleading, surprising her with his intensity.

It wasn't often Remus offered his opinion on how she was raising Harry.

Lily quite decided she didn't like it at all.

"We have to let him see his dad. He needs to develop a bond –"

"A bond?" Lily interrupted, turning her attention from her sleeping son to the man before her, "What bond could he possibly develop with..." she hesitated, stumbling over the words. She drew in a deep breath, attempting to keep calm as she released it; "Remus, the three of us decided years ago that it was best Harry didn't see James in his condition. James wouldn't want that."

"James would want to see him," Remus countered, "You believe he's still in there, right? Well, let him hear his son's voice. If he can see him, let him see his son."

"Remus," she glared at him, "It's for Harry's sake. James would know that it isn't in his best interests to see his father like that. It's better than he knows him from his memories and from what we tell him."

She noticed the bitterness in his expression, as he looked away from her. His eyes rested on the photograph on the wall. The one of she, James and Harry not long after he was born.

He shook his head, before he turned back to her.

"Lily..." he seemed to hesitate a moment before he went on, "I really think...I really think we need to do something; something that will help Harry establish a connection with James."

"He's his father, Remus," Lily walked by him, becoming frustrated, "He already has a connection to him. And I don't want my son upset – traumatised even – by seeing him like that."

"Look, Lily, I really have to insist –"

"No, I must insist," she snapped, turning to face him again, "I must insist that you stop. Butt out, Remus. It's not your place to decide this. I'm his mother, this is my decision."

"Well, I'm pretty sure Sirius would agree –"

"I couldn't care less whether or not Sirius would agree! Sirius has no more right than you to make this decision. This decision that I made five years ago; with both of your full support, I might add."

She noticed him look away from her, around the room, at the door, the cupboards, the table.

He was anxious, she could tell.

But about what?

What had brought on his sudden insistence that Harry be taken to see James?

Harry was only six years old and while Sirius – against her wishes – had attempted to explain the circumstances to him and appeared to have quelled his curiosity, to actually take him there, to have him stand before his father who he loved, and be met with no response…

No loving looks, no comforting words. Not even being able to feel his own father take his hand and ask him the simple questions, like how he was coming along with school…

To feel the devastation of loss…

Lily would not have it.

"I won't allow it," she spoke her thoughts aloud, drawing Remus' eyes back to hers; "Accept that, Remus."

"Fine." He picked up his jacket, walking by her; "Goodnight."

He stopped by the couch, leaning down to press a kiss to Harry's head before he headed out the door, without looking back.

Lily watched after him, a growing feeling of unease growing within her after he closed the door. She sighed and shook her head, stepping through to lean on the doorframe, looking down at her sleeping son.

The very same doubts that had plagued her – since she had made the decision five years before – returning to her. Whether or not she had chosen right, by keeping her son away. She had known – for certain – that James would not want Harry seeing him like that.

And she knew why.

James wouldn't want the feelings evoked in Harry that she felt, whenever she found herself at her husband's bedside. The pain; the loss; the hopelessness.

It was almost enough to keep her away. Nevermind subject her little boy to it.

Lily walked over, lifting the blanket that covered him, and slid down onto the couch beside him. Harry stirred, looking up at her sleepily, murmuring her name as he did so. She shushed him and drew him into a hug. He smiled and snuggled into her, quickly drifting back off to sleep.

Her eyes landed on the articles and research books she had left on the table when she had come back down to the living room, having heard Remus stir, and her mind immediately went back to the person who'd given them to her.

Severus Snape.

And, when it did, she finally allowed herself to think about him. To really think about him, in a way she hadn't done in so long. Questions coming to mind that she knew were none of her business – she'd long since given up any right to know anything about him – but they arose all the same.

Questions such as did he remember her or, rather, them and how they used to be. And, if he did, did he do so with pleasure or with regret. She barely even knew how she'd answer that question herself, if he were to turn it around on her.

And then, of course, there were the other questions. Questions she'd wondered, been asking, since long before their severance had even taken place.

When the war came upon them, on which side did Severus fall.

Which side did he stand with – if he stood with any, at all – but Lily didn't allow herself to linger too much on that.

On a question she knew she would never have the answer to.

He had not been in the Order – obviously she'd known that – but everyone in the world did not divide into simply Order Member or Death Eater.

But wherever he stood, Lily knew that it had not been with her, and that was simply where it ended for them. it was none of her business what happened next.

Harry murmured against her, nuzzling in further, drawing her from her thoughts. She glanced down at him and smiled, softly. She noticed his eyes flicker slightly, before they opened fully. He looked up at her, sleepily.

Lily stroked her son's, inducing a smile.

"Mum."

"Hello, sleepy head."

Harry's smile widened further, before he leaned back down, arm wrapping around her waist and cuddling in tight; "You said I could have a story tonight."

"So, you did. Do you want one now?"

He nodded, not lifting his head from her chest. Lily shifted slightly, getting more comfortable, and resolved to push thoughts of Severus to the back of her mind as she concentrated on her son; "What story would you like?"

"Anything," he whispered.

Lily smiled and nodded.

"Okay. That calls for a fairytale, I think, so –" she flicked her wand, lighting the fire and dimming the lights, before she wiggled deeper into the cushions, " – let's get comfy."

Harry giggled and wiggled too, mimicking her movements.

And Lily touched her lips to his hair, before they huddled in close to one another by the firelight, and she told him a story from her own childhood – one of her own favourites – until her son's eyes grew heavy once more and the two of them fell asleep together on the couch.