Chapter Eight

Regulus had tossed the letter he had received onto the fire, burning it instantly, before he left for the orphanage. The last thing he wanted was for Severus to get his hands on it and go off on a murderous rampage.

Hate letters were nothing new to him. They were simply a frequent reminder that people other than himself still remembered what he had done during the war. He knew what people thought. That what he was doing with the Foundation would never make up for what he had taken from them.

He knew that.

He knew what he had done was unforgivable.

Severus had warned them off him immediately.

He had been furious and had made it known that if anyone were to follow through on their threats, that he would personally see to it that they were punished for it. That was how their friendship had become so well known. Severus was already highly regarded at this point. Considered to be highly capable and intelligent, well known for the number of useful spells he had created.

Regulus wondered if it was simply Severus' protection that had kept any threats from being carried out.

Severus may be respected and admired but no one was willing to see what he was capable of if he were pushed.

Regulus, however, knew very well what he was capable of, so he had resorted to concealing the letters whenever he could. He wasn't willing to drag Severus down with him.

"Mr Black," Arabella Applepot smiled at him warmly as he stepped into the orphanage.

Of course, it was not only letters of hate he received, he reminded himself at the warm welcome. In fact, the vast majority of mail he received was full of thanks, admiration, requests.

That was what kept him going; knowing that some people did appreciate what he was doing. Knowing that there were people who needed the Foundation.

He smiled - "Arabella," - and shook her hand, asking how things had been going over the past week.

The children within the orphanage were the children of people who had been lost in the war. From both sides. And it was one of the places that the Foundation offered regular donations to.

"They're quite excited to see you this week," she remarked, as she led him down the hall to the room where the children played.

It was a small orphanage; only eighteen children.

The Mistress had stated that it was better that way, as it meant those within it had the chance to form a bond. That they could truly feel as if they were brothers and sisters, rather than children simply thrown together because all they had in common was the loss of their parents.

Regulus had brought books this week. They always liked books. The received anything he gave with delight, but they always seemed more excited by words and pictures than by sweets or clothes.

They surrounded him excitedly as he entered the room. Children, none of them older than ten. Some just babies when their parents had been lost. Little Draco could have ended up in a place like this, if something had happened to his parents and himself.

"Thank you, Mr Black."

"It's so pretty!"

"Look at the pictures."

"Will you read one to us, Mr Black?"

The sound of the children's voices soothed his heart of the guilt it bore and he smiled.

They crowed round, looking up at him excitedly, their smiles bright.

This was what Regulus was doing it for. This was what warmed his heart and what made each day bearable. Knowing that he had made someone else's life easier.

A child's smile. That was worth something.

But another thought followed closely on the heels of that.

Why was his own child's smile never enough?

She was close enough that he could touch her if he just moved his hand a few inches.

It was horribly distracting.

Severus' brow furrowed, as he peered down at the parchment before him, attempting to concentrate on the notes he was making. Cornelia had been excused from work for the afternoon and Eugene had suggested that Lily assist him with his potions, remarking that she appeared to have a lot of knowledge about the potions ingredients that he intended to look into.

Severus had almost rolled his eyes at the statement; of course the articles he had given her would come back to haunt him. He glanced at her out the corner of his eye; she didn't seem at all affected by the fact that they were working together and had been quiet throughout most of the time they had been there.

"I have a question about perrilace vine," Lily said suddenly, without looking at him.

Severus glanced at her. Her tone sounded so casual, so relaxed; as if there was nothing at all unusual about their situation. He wondered if he could get her to look at him, perhaps gain a glimpse of what was going on in her mind. Maybe then he would know how he ought to deal with this; did she still think of him as an old friend, a friendship that had ended badly? Or had she simply swept that under the rug and no longer considered him as such; was he now just a co-worker who she worked with, their history completely irrelevant.

She seemed to sense his eyes on her, for he had been silent in response to her statement for a while, and met his eyes. He quickly snapped himself to his sense and turned his attention back to his parchment; "Did something in the article confuse you?"

"No," she was still looking at him. He was suddenly very aware of his breathing and inwardly scolded himself; it would not do for him to revert back to his nervous teenage self. He was surely past such ridiculousness; this was just Lily, a woman, like any other.

"I've come across it frequently in articles I've read," Lily went on, oblivious to his thoughts, "I thought that Dara Goodwin's research had proven it wouldn't be possible to use when it came to the cases we're dealing with?"

Severus looked at her, surprised at the statement. So she already knew about perrilace vine. Why, in Merlin's name, had she not told him so when he had given her the article about it? "I was not aware you had researched it."

"I haven't really. I assumed from Goodwin's studies that it would be fruitless to rely on it," Lily had turned back to the small cauldron that he had had her watch over, "The side effects almost completely outweigh any benefits that could be had. And, considering the properties within in, flossberry would be necessary to counteract those effects. Which opens up more problems; perrilace vine and flossberry together is fine, but there are few main ingredients that could be safely added without the final result becoming almost fatal to those who may consume it."

Severus watched her, feeling a strange sense of pride come over him. He shook it away; why should he feel proud of her? What right did he have?

"It seems the reading material I provided was unnecessary."

Lily looked at him quickly, "Oh. No, not at all. I knew some prior to reading them, but the articles only confirmed my suspicions."

Severus nodded, "So, what is the question?"

"You don't seem surprised by what I said," Lily was regarding him, curiously, "And, considering your occupation, you probably already knew all that anyway."

Severus held her look before repeating; "So, what is the question?"

Lily shrugged, turning back to the ingredients, "If you already know that the combination can't be used, then why are we studying them?"

Severus lowered the quill he had been holding to the parchment, wiping the ink from his fingers on his robe, "What you say is true. However it would not be wise to simply discard the two ingredients, particularly when they have already been shown to contain properties which are proven to stimulate the mind. Perrilace, in particular, needs to be considered further."

"But perrilace can't be used without flossberry."

"Yet."

Lily looked thoughtful for a moment, frowning slightly. She met his eyes and tilted her chin slightly, as she often did when she realised something; "So, that's what you're trying to do? Find a way to use perrilace vine?"

Severus touched the vine that sat on the desk in front of him; "We believe perrilace vine is key to the final result. Flossberry must also be considered, as well as tarnweed. We start with those three; however there is room for changes, should anything of them prove unsuitable. Right now, we are attempting to find another component which counters the side effects of perrilace."

"Have you tried pearlwood?"

"Of course."

Severus almost smiled at the disappointed look in her eyes as she glanced away. She had obviously been giving the articles he had given her a lot of consideration. He was glad of that and, as he regarded her, wondered if he had not given her enough credit when he had been worrying about endorsing her application.

Well, what did you expect? His mind mocked him; that she would still be that nine year old girl who looked to you for every answer?

He turned his attention back to his notes. She may have been the one whose suggestion had been countered, but he was the one left feeling foolish. Did he expect her to be completely incompetent? Did he truly believe that she would have applied to the Fellowship without any background knowledge?

He almost rolled his eyes; was the whole charade just him trying to convince himself that she needed his help?

"I..." Lily was looking down at the potion that was brewing, attempting, unsuccessfully, to appear nonchalant, "I never heard much of you after we left Hogwarts."

Severus tensed and deliberately picked up his quill, beginning to scribble down some notes onto the parchment. Notes he had already written and stashed away earlier in the day; but he didn't trust his mind to come up with anything useful in the next few moments.

"I heard little of you, also."

Lily was quiet for a moment, as if contemplating what to say next, continuing to keep up her charade of indifference, "When did you decide to undergo a Potions Apprenticeship?"

"Seventh year."

He caught Lily's nod but continued to keep his eyes on his parchment, scribbling away.

"I didn't hear you were a Potions Master until after the war. I always expected to bump into you before that; you had wanted to be an Auror when we...well, during the first few years of Hogwarts."

Severus hesitated a moment and, before he could help himself; "The first I heard of you after Hogwarts was from an announcement in the Daily Prophet." Your marriage to James Potter, the unspoken statement hung in the air.

Lily didn't respond at first, only kept her eyes on the potion bubbling before her. She drew in a breath; "Well, I didn't become involved in a profession until after the war; so no other reason to hear anything of me," she glanced at him briefly, "We had very different social contacts, after all."

Severus hand stilled. There was a definite unspoken question hidden among that statement. What business was it of hers what his contacts were? He felt uneasy; he knew what she wanted to ask. He knew the question in her mind, no legilimency skills required; did he join them?

Had she been right about him?

Severus forced himself to continue writing. He would let her wonder. She didn't deserve to know, he tried to tell himself. She made her choice. She didn't get to know what had happened after that.

His own mind was his enemy when it came to Lily. There was always justification for her actions lurking there; his mind could always muster up some reason why he was the one being unreasonable. Weren't there things she deserved to know? Perhaps not that he became a Death Eater, but didn't she deserve to know who had placed the noose around her and her family's neck? He delivered the prophecy, didn't she deserve to know that?

Why did she need to know that? Something within him countered. The prophecy hadn't mattered in the end; the Dark Lord had chosen Neville. Even if he had used the Potters as a decoy, James Potter was not lost because of the prophecy.

Severus felt himself grow hot as his mind went back to those days. The days he had feared for her life; feared he had signed her death sentence by delivering the prophecy. He tried not to think of them; of those hopeless days and nights he had spent, wondering if it were truly possible for a man to die simply from terror. He had feared for much during those times; for Lily, for Regulus, for himself. His occlumency skills would fail him, he had often thought, the Dark Lord is too strong. Every day he woke up, wondering if it were the day he was doomed to die.

Just thinking of them weighed heavy on his heart and he thought of Regulus; Regulus, who held onto those days, to those hopeless feelings, refusing to let go. Why did he condemn himself to it?

But Severus wouldn't have changed those days. Those were the darkest, but they had brought him here. Isn't that what everyone says; it's always darkest before the dawn? Severus glanced at Lily, as if to remind himself that she was really there. He had done it all for her. She had brought him back, without even knowing it; without doing anything. Her memory had been enough for him and it was that that had pointed him on the road that led him here.

But he had let go of that memory. That wasn't what was driving him anymore. It hadn't done for a long time.

He wouldn't let himself fall into the trap of crediting her for everything. Yes, his love for her had saved him; his love, not hers. He had to keep reminding himself of that, he told himself; she already held enough power over him.

"What made you change your mind?"

Severus looked at her.

"Change my mind?"

"From becoming an Auror," Lily was looking at him now, no longer pretending to be interested in the potion, "What made you decide to go into potions?"

Severus shrugged, "Seventh year classes."

Seventh year potions had been the one of the few times he and Lily had seen one another at Hogwarts, following the dissolve of their friendship. They had even been paired together by Slughorn on occasion: all before Potter.

"I never would have expected you to become a Professor."

Severus glanced at her quickly, the strange familiarity in her tone surprising him, and, when he looked at her, found himself looking into the eyes of a girl from years ago. Eyes twinkling, teasingly, a slight smirk on her lips. For a moment he could forget that they hadn't spoken in ten years and that distance just fell away. He smiled.

Lily's expression warmed for a moment in response but then she averted her eyes; "You've never been patient, after all. Especially when it came to those who knew less than you."

"I was patient with you, was I not?"

"When we were children ourselves," Lily glanced at him, that same light-hearted look in her eyes, "Don't think I didn't notice how your patience with me waned as time went on."

Severus frowned, "What? When? I was never impatient. Besides, you rarely needed instruction from me once we got to Hogwarts."

"Not instructions, maybe, but I could see how frustrated you were during our study sessions, especially in potions."

"Nonsense," Severus dismissed her statement, though he could clearly remember occasions where he had been frustrated by her. She always had to know exactly how something worked; she could never just accept it and do it, so he would spend endless minutes evaluating and explaining why to her before they would finally get on with it.

He was frustrated just thinking about it.

"Do you enjoy it?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"How could it be a trick question?"

"What do you think, Mrs Potter?" Severus leaned on the desk, looking at her fully, "Do you think I enjoy it?"

She frowned slightly, looking confused, "I...uh," she glanced away, then back at him, "I don't know."

"You may not know, but you must have an opinion," you always do, his mind added, and he found himself holding back a grin.

Lily's eyes narrowed, seeming to notice, "Are you trying to trick me?"

"What would make you think that?"

She held his look for a moment, looking bewildered, and he couldn't help the twitch his lips made, giving away his amusement. She seemed as unwilling to smile as he, but her lips disobeyed and she smiled also, before she quickly reached up, concealing it by rubbing her lips.

"You've changed," she said.

"Of course. Haven't you?"

"Not as much as you," she was looking at him searchingly and he suddenly felt uncomfortable. He looked away, turning his attention back to his notes.

"We had best not waste time," he could hear the change in his tone, cooler and distant; he was relieved it did not give him away; "How is the potion?"

Lily glanced at it; "No change."

"It's about time we add the flossberry," he left her side and made his way to the other side of the room.

It was as if those few steps away from her had freed him from a spell. His heart beat faster than normal and his hands felt damp, as he rubbed them on his robes. This was ridiculous. There mere proximity to her made his body betray him and act as if he were a fifteen year old boy again. Sweaty palms, butterflies, silly smiles, teasing words.

Severus felt like laughing at himself.

What a fool he was.

He may be a fool, but he was sensible enough to realise the danger he was in. He suddenly missed her; for the first time in years, he felt that pang in his gut, that emptiness he had felt every night in the days that had followed her abandonment of him in fifth year.

Severus shook his head slightly at his weakness. Would she always be that to him? His weakness? He was tired of it. He had long let go of the hopes he had once had; the dreams he had had involving her. That's all they were. Dreams. Fantasy.

Why did those old feelings still have such a hold?

He wondered if someone had slipped him a love potion at Hogwarts, smirking to himself at the idea.

No. He loved her before that.

Love.

The word mocked him. He didn't love her; the idea was absurd. He hadn't seen her in a decade. No. It wasn't love. It was something else. A hold she had over him, that was all.

He thought it was gone. He thought he had escaped it at last. Maybe he had. Maybe this was new. It didn't matter.

Every minute he spent with her was dangerous. Old feelings reawakened; old dreams remembered.

He should stay away from her.

But you won't.

His own mind laughing at him. And it was right; he wouldn't.

No. Be honest.

Fine. He couldn't.