III
Four Months After Kara's Escape
For months after Kara and Kacey had escaped Leoben's grasp, the only thing that kept Kara going was taking care of the little girl. Kacey had become her life-her tether to life. Kara Thrace had kept to herself, not re-establishing any bonds with those who had been her comrades, and, in some cases, her foes, on Galactica. Without Sam, she felt adrift, and without the support of Admiral Adama, despite their many disagreements, and, to a lesser extent, without Lee, she didn't want to get close to anyone at the moment-except Kacey.
She worked hard to keep New Caprica functional, and had not lost her desire to help her people, including being a member of the opposition to Baltar and The Cylons. But beyond that, she didn't socialize.
That worried those who had been closest to her, namely Roslin, Tigh, and Chief Tyrol. They discussed it one evening, at an informal get-together of some of the leadership.
"Obviously, Kara and I have never been buddy-buddy", Tigh said honestly, "but I'm damned worried about that girl. She's acting like she was before she and Kat took out Scar. It's like she doesn't give a frack."
"One difference, Colonel", Galen observed. "She has Kacey. I don't think she's thinking of killing herself, or doing anything that puts her in harm's way, any more than we all are in harm's way now. The kid is keeping her going."
"That may be, Chief", Laura Roslin objected, "but seeing Starbuck so withdrawn and isolated-she barley says anything at any meetings. I've tried to engage her in conversation, and she just mumbles a few responses. I'm not worried about her harming herself, but I'm worried about her isolating herself so much that she loses touch with reality."
"If she's gonna talk with anyone down here, it'll be you ma'am", Tyrol reasoned. "As the Colonel said, they've had too many run-ins, and I was a subordinate to her on Galactica." Galen smiled at the look on her face. "I'm not volunteering you for anything, Madam President, but Kara has always kind of looked up to you."
Roslin shouldn't have looked surprised, as she had been feeling the same way. Maybe someone else noticed that Laura cared very deeply for Starbuck. As a politician, she had always had a good poker face, but perhaps she was slipping.
Laura had kept some strong emotions for Kara locked away for several years. Starbuck had never turned down Roslin's request for a mission when she was President, and the older woman had gained a healthy respect and admiration for the young, oft-troubled pilot. Over time, Laura had grown to love the younger lady very much-she had never thought of it, at least overtly, as anything romantic, but through all Kara had gone through on New Caprica, Laura desperately wanted to find a way to reach Kara-not even in an attempt to make them closer, but to simply give the young mother an outlet beyond Kacey.
"Kacey, honey", Kara called to her daughter, "time to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is a school day."
"Aw momma, no wanna go sleep! Play more!"
"Oh, no you don't, little one", Kara said with a laugh. "It's already past your bed time. C'mon", she said walking up to the little girl, picking her up, putting her on her feet, then lightly smacking her behind, "jammies, right now."
Kacey scowled, but did as Kara asked, marching unhappily over to her little bedroom, making Kara laugh again.
Kara always allowed Kacey a glass of water or juice before bed, then the knelt by Kacey's bed, and Kara said their nightly prayers. Starbuck noted that, despite the little girl's earlier protest, her eyes were beginning to droop. And, sure enough, within ten minutes of having her mom gently lay her blanket over her, she was in a peaceful sleep.
Kara changed into a t-shirt, and into another pair of panties, then pulled out a small glass, and poured herself three fingers of Ambrosia. She would sip at the drink over the course of a half hour at least a few times a week, to help her wind down for the night.
As she quietly sat and sipped, she thought about the last meeting she had attended of the leadership, and how Roslin, Tyrol, and even Tigh, had tried to get her to be more personable with them. She knew she had been stand-offish since returning. She blamed that on the hell of Leoben's captivity, followed by learning of the death of her husband. It hadn't been a pleasant year on New Caprica, but Kara also was aware she was taking it out on those that truly cared about her.
She and Tigh had come to a mutual understanding and respect for one another. They had butted heads enough on Galactica, and both had grown tired of it. They could make an effective team down here, harassing The Cylons, but beyond that, Kara knew the Colonel didn't have the demeanor to help her through this. Tyrol had enough on his plate, being head of the union on the planet, and dealing with a newborn baby.
She then thought of Roslin. For the longest time, Kara had held a strange relationship with the former President. She genuinely admired what Roslin had done since the day of the attack, being vaulted from number forty-three on the line of succession, to President of a rag-tag, fugitive fleet of desperate human beings. Roslin was perhaps the strongest person she'd ever known.
Even in times when she and Laura had butted heads, an example being with Laura had flushed Leoben into space, or when Laura had tried to rig the election, Kara had stayed loyal to the former and current school teacher. Kara saw, in Laura Roslin, what she would want to be if she could start from scratch.
Kara, many times, had come to the realization that there was almost nothing she wouldn't do for Roslin, and would never turn her down for any mission. Yet over that time, her admiration for the woman had turned very deep, and very personal. Kara snorted at that thought, as she had never been attracted to a woman before, and often put it down as simple emotional felgercarb.
She couldn't do that any more.
Kara knew that she needed to open up to someone, and Laura seemed the logical choice. Yet she had become so jaded over having any close, personal ties. Her long, sad history with Zak, Lee, and Sam, let alone how she had been abused as a child, had caused such a deep, ingrained psychological barrier, that as much as she needed someone, her own history constantly warned her away from getting too close to someone.
Maybe some day, she'd find the courage to break that spell. Before she could resolve to do so this night, she had fallen into a fitful sleep.
Two Months Ago
There was a rare evening meeting that Tigh had called for those leading the opposition to the so-called "government", run by Baltar and The Cylons. Usually, they met during the day, when the settlement was at its busiest, and movement wasn't watched as close. They had a network of underground tunnels that ran from under several tents to the bunker area. A night meeting would have drawn more attention.
Today, with Galen doing some work on the crude fresh water system, along with Charlie Connor, Diana Seelix, and a few others.
At around 2230, the meeting began. It had been a while since Roslin had attended one. When Laura attended, it seemed more formal, probably because she was still seen by most of them as the true President, despite Baltar winning the election. Even Tom Zarek became more serious and more courteous when Roslin was in attendance.
The last person to arrive was Kara, as she had taken Kacey over to Cally, who babysat her while watching her own son, Nicholas.
"Sorry I'm late, everyone", Kara says with a slight flush. "Kacey was being a little fussy."
"Kacey is your penance, Thrace, for all the grief you gave me and the Old Man", Tigh said, but with obvious humor.
Kara actually laughed. "Oh, bite me, Tigh." That broke the tension for a moment.
In that moment, Laura Roslin saw, for the first time in ages, the Kara Thrace that transfixed so many people in The Fleet, despite her bad-girl image. Kara had a playful side that very few ever got to see, and those who saw it, wished she'd show it more often. Yet deep inside, Kara saw it as a sign of weakness, drilled into her by a mother who did love her, but didn't know how to show her love.
The meeting was nothing exciting, as there wasn't a lot going on, but the leaders made sure they touched base with each other often, even if there wasn't anything big happening. It let them keep a finger on the pulse of New Caprica.
As the meeting broke, Laura approached Kara.
"Captain Thrace", Laura began, sinking back into fleet formality for a moment.
Kara smiled, "Madam President, you can call me Kara here, you know that."
Laura gave a small, self-conscious laugh. "Yes, of course, I'm sorry, Kara."
"That's OK, Laura", Starbuck replied with a twinkle. "Now that that's settled?"
"You know, Kara, I've been trying to get you and Kacey to come over for dinner one night. I've only met...your daughter on a few occasions, but she seems like a sweetheart. And besides, you and I haven't had a chance to just talk in a long time."
Kara almost blushed again. "I know, Laura. I think you know I haven't exactly been great company for anyone since...well, since Sam, and since getting away from Leoben."
Laura could see a storm rise briefly in the blonde woman's eyes, gone as quickly as it came. "I understand that, Kara, but haven't you wanted to talk to someone about any of it?"
"I'm not the most talkative soul when it comes to my problems, Laura. I'm sure Lee and the Admiral have filled you in on that." Kara didn't meet Laura's eyes when admitting that painful truth.
"They have, and I understand that, the gods know. Being President, you really have no one to confide in, because you're at the top of the pyramid."
"Are you telling me that you need someone to talk to?"
Laura looked her straight in the eyes. "Desperately. And I think, you and I, from what we've been through down here, it might help."
Kara considered that. Starbuck had done so many dangerous things for Laura Roslin: her mission to get the Arrow of Apollo; her orders to kill Cain, even though she hadn't had to go through with it; her interrogation of Leoben. And she had never told anyone about the nightmares from each of those events, and they had been awful. If she couldn't open up to the person who had requested those things of her, who could she open up to?
"Maybe you're right, Laura. Maybe a pressure valve would be helpful." She pondered a little longer. "OK, tell you what, Kacey and I will come over for dinner tomorrow night, how's that?" The smile on her face was a beautiful sight to behold.
Laura gave her best smile back to the younger woman. "That would be wonderful! I really want to get to know Kacey."
"Oh", Kara smirked, "it isn't about me, is it? You just want to ingratiate yourself with the kid?"
Laura gave a delighted laugh. "Saw right through me, didn't you?" They both laughed, something neither had truly done since...they couldn't remember. "That's only part of it. I want us to get to know each other a little better. Maybe we can help one another?"
"You've got a deal, Roslin", Kara said with that mischievous smirk.
"I'll see you tomorrow, say about 2000?"
"Since it's the end of the week, and Kacey can stay up later, that would be perfect."
The Next Evening
One couldn't put out a fancy meal on New Caprica. It just wasn't possible. There was enough livestock that had been rounded up, and other animals to cook and eat. There were plenty of fish to catch, and all kinds of vegetables and fruits, but the infrastructure didn't allow for five-star dining.
Nevertheless, Laura Roslin wanted to make a good meal, and enjoy a pleasant night with Kara and Kacey. Of course, practically everyone in the settlement knew who Kacey was, and Laura had met her a few times, but Kara was, rightly, very protective of the little girl she had claimed as her daughter after escaping the clutches of Leoben. Laura didn't blame her one bit.
The two blondes arrived right on time, Kara not wanting to be late to Laura's tend, and give any kind of bad impression about her mothering skills.
"Kara!" Laura drew the flap open, letting the two girls in. She gave Kara a brief, firm hug. "It's so good to see you-well, at least in a non-insurgency roll", she continued in a conspiratorial whisper, making Starbuck laugh.
"Yeah, no talking shop tonight, Roslin", Kara teased back.
Laura looked over at Kacey, who, like most four year old's, would be shy around others. She was semi-hiding behind Kara. Laura went around Kara, then to her knees. "Hello, Kacey, do you know who I am?"
"Teacher Rolin."
Laura gave her a beaming smile. "That's right! Your mom has told me you're a smart little girl." Laura looked at the little girl excitedly. "Are you ready for dinner?"
"Food, yay!" Kacey jumped up and down, making the adults snicker.
"Uh, that's a yes, Laura", Kara said proudly, looking down at her daughter.
"Please, you two, come on in, dinner's almost ready."
They sat down at Laura's modest table. She had prepared some chicken that was lightly seasoned, along with some vegetables that Laura had picked. Kacey had a lemon/lime juice, one of her favorites, and Laura served she and Kara a light Pinot Noir as they beveridge. Kara didn't drink booze like she used to, and prayed she never would again. But drinking like this-maybe two glasses, with good company, she could get used to that.
As Laura was bringing the meal out, Kara thought to herself how she had fought, for months, not socializing with anyone. It hurt too much. The only "socialization" that she had partaken in was with Leoben, and that was hardly by her own choice. She knew Roslin, or Tigh, or Cally were not Leoben, but the trauma she and Kacey had been through had made this night, were she finally tried to resume some normalcy, something that had been problematic.
She would make sure she didn't crawl back into that shell.
They had a wonderful meal, Kara not realizing that Roslin was such a good cook. Kacey was apparently enjoying it, too, as she had seconds of both the chicken and the veggies. The conversation was mostly about the school, and any gossip about what was going on around New Caprica. They had specifically avoided any talk of the insurgency, or Galactica, or The Cylons.
After dinner, Kacey played with a few toys that Roslin had in the abode, as it came in handy if parents of younger children showed up to discuss school. While the little girl absently played, Laura and Kara sat on the large couch in Roslin's "living room", both immensely enjoying their evening.
"I'm so glad you finally decided to take me up on my offer for dinner, Kara", Laura said kindly. "I can't imagine what you went through back then, but it's good to see you relax and smile tonight."
Kara actually blushed a little, something Roslin thought she'd never see the cocky Viper pilot ever do. "I'll admit, Laura, it hasn't been easy for me to socialize since Kacey and I escaped. Maybe that's because I've been learning to be a mom", she said with a broad smile, looking over at her little girl. "Maybe that's just an excuse for not getting out more. I won't lie-what that bastard did to me fraked me up big time, then to come home and find out about Sam..."
She looked away for a moment, steeling her resolve not to cry. Kara had done that enough in more than a few sleepless nights, but dare not show that weakness to the former President.
"You know, when you're ready, Kara", Laura said gently, "I'm here to talk to you about it."
"Thank you, Laura", Kara said, choking back those pesky tears. "When I'm ready, I have a feeling I'll take you up on that offer. But I need to find who I am again, and my place on this worthless piece of rock. Kacey is helping me with that."
Laura looked over to the child. "She's absolutely beautiful, Kara. And if you ask me, she couldn't have a better, braver mother."
Kara had the grace to lightly laugh. "I don't know about that, Laura", she said self-consciously, "there's a lot of very brave people here, and back in The Fleet. But having Kacey come into my life-even in the shitty way she came into my life-I needed to finally grow up, and I think I have. There's nothing that I won't do for that little girl."
Laura studied the younger woman. This was more like the Kara she had come to know on Galactica: a fierce, protective, if sometimes confused young woman. No one had been able to harness the inherent goodness Laura Roslin felt was present inside Kara Thrace. Maybe no one would, but the young woman deserved a chance.
"I know that, Kara", Laura said, again looking at Kacey. "I'd lay down my own life for Kacey-for any of our children. There would be worse things to die for."
Kara took a brief sip of the wine. She tried to lighten the mood a little. "Kacey and I are gonna have to have you over for dinner soon. I'm not a great cook, mind you", Kara said with a laugh, Laura joining her, "but it's the least we can do for you." She stopped for a moment, and gave Laura maybe the most beautiful smile the redhead had ever seen. "I now wonder why I delayed doing this so long?"
"You did this when you were ready, Kara Thrace", Laura said softly. "No one can tell you when it's time for you to do something. You have to be at peace with yourself for certain decisions."
"Yeah, well", Kara laughed again, "I don't know if I've found any peace, Laura, but this has been a wonderful night." Her smile again lit up the room. "Thank you."