Chapter Eleven

There was no change – no recognition – in James' expression as Lily sat down on the bed next to him.

There never was.

Sirius had seen to it that he was given his own room. A view out over the courtyard, where children played and patients went for their short, daily walks.

There were various moving pictures were hung around the room – pictures of them, his loved ones, in the vain hope that may trigger a memory – pictures of James with Lily and Harry, older ones from school with him Sirius and Remus.

Only the ones without Peter.

Rich, velveteen curtains framed the windows, red with gold trim – more attempts to trigger – and a Quidditch Trophy and an ornamental Snitch sat on a shelf that Sirius had installed. A music player played quiet music in the corner.

Lily wondered if he could see it all. See all that Sirius had done for him – in the early days – before he'd lost hope. His weekly visits continuing, it seemed, only out of a sense of obligation. A just-in-case act, without any real expectation that James knew he was there.

Sometimes, Lily couldn't help wondering the same. Whether her husband was even there at all. If he was prisoner inside his own body, entirely aware of her presence, her touch, and just unable to let her know it.

Or if he was, truly gone.

She didn't know which was the better option. Which of the two she should truly be hoping for.

Lily drew in a shaky breath and reached for her husband's hand, squeezing it gently.

"Hello," Lily's voice was almost a whisper.

She rarely came here. But she couldn't avoid it. Not today.

7th November 1981.

Five years ago today. No matter how much she missed him, these visits only seemed to make it worse.

She released his hand, having only held it a few moments, and then pulled out a piece of folded card – a muggle item - before looking back to him, continuing quietly.

"It's Harry's report card. He's doing really well at school. Above average in class, the report says. Really good at the history projects; he's interested in all that stuff. Think he'll be taking History of Magic once he gets to Hogwarts. I know, I couldn't quite believe it myself, considering our less than sparkling performance in the subject. But don't fret, he's still flying around on a broomstick whenever he has the chance, so he'll follow your footsteps and join the Quidditch team the first chance he gets, no doubt."

She had to stop and remind herself to breathe. She was babbling. He would be laughing at her now, if he could.

She wondered if she should mention Peter, then thought better of it.

If he could hear her it would only distress him. If he couldn't then why verbalise anything to do with him.

This was hard enough. Best keep it to the things they cared about. The people they loved.

"Sirius has been distant lately, have you noticed?" she asked, as if they were having a conversation, and took his hand again, "I'm worried about him. Remus too. Things have gotten really bad between them. Harry told me that, can you believe it? He's smart, James. Really smart. Can't get anything by our son."

She hesitated, looking into his eyes, which refused to focus on her.

"Do you want to see him?"

She was back to whispering, her tone uncertain as she asked the question.

She looked down at their hands – his limp in hers – and noticed that both her hands were trembling, her heart beating fast. Her throat hurt, as if a rock was lodged in the back of it, and she almost couldn't swallow the feeling down. She could never get used to this. This feeling of hopeless, despair whenever she saw him.

Was this how Harry would feel like if she brought him here? Would he feel the same pain?

She released an unsteady breath and reached over to brush the hair back from James' face with a small, sad smile. The idea that James was watching her – that the answer was 'yes' and that he was desperate to see his son, the son whom he hadn't seen in five years – made it almost difficult to breathe.

As much pain as James may be in not seeing him, she just couldn't risk putting Harry through the pain she felt whenever she came here.

Not their little boy.

Lily drew in a breath, placing the report card on the side table – said a little word to the deities, hoping that James would understand – and then she leaned forward, and touched her lips to his forehead.

It was still deceiving warm beneath her lips.

And she murmured a goodbye, before she turned and headed from the room.

To say Severus was in no mood for this month's Fundraising event was an understatement.

As an employee – and a stakeholder – it was compulsory that he attend, as Regulus so delighted in reminding him whenever these events came around.

And, so, here he was.

Music and laughter and animated voices filled the ballroom of the Foundation – children chasing one another across the floor – while the adults danced and were merry, all – except him, it seemed – enjoying the entertainment and one another's company.

Sometimes – the worst times – it was horrendous plays and amateur musical performances put on by the Learning Centre. The children – too young for Hogwarts but whose parents didn't want to rely on tutors or send them to muggle school – attempting to sing and dance while they pranced around a stage in brightly coloured costumes to employees and guests' applause.

Those were painful to endure, to say the least, and he was grateful there were no such occasions to put up with at Hogwarts.

This event – as always – was almost solely organised by Narcissa Malfoy. A fact evident by the ostentatious decor, the hors d'oeuvres, the expensive champagne, the musicians and live singers. And all this was only a taste of what they would be facing the following month for the Yuletide Gala.

Severus almost shuddered at the thought, though quickly composed himself when he caught sight of Eugene making his way towards him.

"Severus!" he greeted him, brightly, giving him a friendly slap on the back, "How are you, my boy?"

"Very well, Eugene. Yourself?"

"Oh, splendid, splendid –" he said as he glanced appreciatively at the lady who was signing on the stage, " – lovely entertainment, this evening, wouldn't you say?"

Severus glanced at her briefly to humour him, giving him an amused glance in response.

Eugene chuckled.

"Ah, you may pretend not to be affected but you are only human, just like the rest of us."

"Perhaps you should reconsider that drink," Severus suggested – for the other man was quite obviously already under the influence, even at this early hour – as Eugene reached for another glass of champagne.

Eugene waved a dismissive hand.

"Do not 'rain on my parade', my boy," he grinned, widely, "It is exceptionally rare that my wife releases me for these events."

"Ah. Then Mrs Hopkins is not in attendance?" Severus asked with obvious amusement, noticing the man's eyes following a young lady who walked by them.

"Nasty, nasty ailment, Severus, most disappointing that it prevents her from making it this evening," his eyes brightened, "Ah, I do believe I have spotted your young endorsee, Mrs Potter, over there – " Severus followed Eugene's glance; " – you never told me she was quite so charming."

His eyes immediately found Lily in the crowd. He uneasily glanced around the area that surrounded her, half expecting to see Remus Lupin or, worse, Sirius Black in attendance as her guest.

She was talking animatedly with Andromeda Tonks, a true relaxedness about her expression that he had yet to see since they had started working together. Her hair was curled but hung loose around her shoulders; her dress was green and long, clinging in just the right places before hitting the floor.

He heard a low chuckle at his side and – upon snapping his attention back to Eugene – felt himself go hot with embarrassment at having been caught staring.

"Ah, I see you are not quite so immune to feminine charms as you would like us to believe, hmm?" Eugene wiggled his eyebrows at him, playfully, "Heart is quite impressed with her, as well, as it happens."

"Is she?" Severus lifted his own drink to his lips.

"Indeed. Marvels at some of the information she comes out with. It's almost as if someone – can't imagine who – is handing over insider information with all the material she needs to know."

Severus avoided the teasing look – the obvious accusation – and, noticing Regulus had come in the room a few feet away, lifted a hand and attempted to catch his attention before he was whisked away by Narcissa, who he could see begin to approach.

"Uncle Reg!"

"Oh ho!"

Regulus was quickly pounced on by his youngest cousin – Draco Malfoy – and both of them laughed in delight as Regulus grabbed and tickled the boy, before he then swung him in a flip up onto his shoulders and headed in Narcissa's direction.

Severus took a drink from the glass he held, reluctantly carrying on the previous conversation.

"As I said, she was an exceptional student. I foresaw no problems bringing her onto the project."

"As always, you have proven yourself to be an excellent judge of character," Eugene's expression brightened in a way that suggested he had seen someone else he wished to speak with, "Oh look, there's Dana Wishbone."

Severus had to force himself not to duck behind the nearest ficus tree display.

"Come," Eugene attempted to take his arm but Severus quickly pulled himself free.

"Go ahead, Eugene. I am enjoying the performance," he made a bigger show than necessary of turning his attention to the stage.

Eugene chuckled knowingly but left him, nonetheless.

Left alone, he allowed himself a furtive glance back in Lily's direction. She was now joined by Felix Butterman and was being introduced to Quinton Gold.

A womaniser if there ever was one.

"Severus?"

He turned, smiling immediately upon seeing who had approached, "Evie. This is a surprise."

Noticing that her hands were empty he indicated for one of the waiting staff to approach and then took a glass, hanging it to her.

Evelyn smiled, taking the glass from him, "Thank you. These events aren't really my thing, but they are one of the few ways I find myself in Regulus' company. I needed to speak with him about Malachi."

"Ah," Severus nodded, but said nothing more on the matter, only than giving a nod in Regulus' direction so that she may find who she was looking for.

Severus had made it very clear to his friend that he didn't agree with the way he distanced himself from his family. But that in no way meant he was willing to get involved beyond the privacy of their own conversations.

To his annoyance he saw Sebastian Wyler making his way towards them – he always appeared to follow Evelyn around like a bad smell whenever she attended any of these functions – and, so, pretending not to notice his approach, Severus offered her his arm.

"I needed to speak with him, myself."

Evelyn took his arm – though sent an apologetic smile Wyler's way – and allowed him to lead her in the direction he had seen Narcissa and Regulus.

Sirius could feel himself starting to drift off as he leaned back on the park bench he was sitting on, watching as Harry flew around the open area on the new child's broom he had given him that day.

Of course, Harry didn't understand the significance of the day – the anniversary of the day they'd lost his dad – nor did Sirius have it in him to sit and explain it to him.

He doubted Lily would appreciate it. And he knew well enough to pick his battles.

So, Sirius had simply allowed Harry to think the gift was given without any occasion in mind. Not a meagre attempt on Sirius' part to try and somehow make up for the huge void that had been left in his godson's life at his James' absence.

"That's too high, Harry," he called across the opening and Harry obediently manoeuvred himself – with a skill way above that which was typical for someone his age – so he was closer to the ground.

Sirius smiled, a little surge of pride welling up within him, and allowed himself to relax further.

He hadn't slept much the past few days, Wormtail's escape from Azkaban heavy on his mind.

Just let it go, he kept trying to tell himself.

Let Wormtail go.

Sirius shook his head, lips twisting, bitterly.

How could he? After all that Peter – their so-called-friend – had done to them. And that he had escaped – had dared to – so close to the anniversary of what had happened made it all the worse.

Something caught Sirius' attention out the corner of his eye.

He glanced around with a frown, his eyes quickly scanning the bushes marking the edge of the clearing. For a second, he could have sworn he was seeing things and almost shook himself.

However, as he started to turn his attention back to Harry, he saw it again.

Sirius frowned, leaning forward to look more closely and it was then, with a cold realisation washing over him, that he realised what it was he was looking at.

A rat.

Sirius was on his feet and after it in an instant. The rat only stared at him a moment, completely unabashedly, before it turned and began scurrying away.

Sirius increased his speed – but it was nowhere near enough – and so he allowed himself to fall to his knees as he let his own transformation take over him. It wasted time, but only a little, and before long he was chasing after him, hot on his heels, in his Animagus form.

It didn't take long before Sirius had Wormtail in his mouth and he flung it into the corner of a nearby fence. He quickly transformed back, cornering Pettigrew within mere seconds. The rat lay weakly at the fence and he frowned, leaning in closer, before he gave an exasperated groan.

It was just a rat.

Feeling incredibly stupid, Sirius hurried back – futilely attempting to keep himself covered with his hands – to where his clothing lay discarded in the middle of the grass and quickly pulled them back on, tucking his wand away.

He glanced over in the direction of the park and frowned, no longer seeing Harry flying around the opening. Feeling a strange, sickening sense of dread he broke into a run.

"Harry?" he called out, glancing around the skies.

"Harry?" Sirius called out more desperately, his voice louder, and then he heard a soft whimper from beyond the bushes.

He hurried around and felt his heart drop at the sight of his godson lying in a heap on the grass, blood spilling, covering one side of his face, from a gash at the side of his head.

"Harry!" he hurried over and fell to his knees next to him, gathering him up in his arms, "No. No; no! Harry? Harry, talk to me!"

Sirius quickly pressed a handkerchief to the boy's bleeding temple.

Harry whimpered, opening his eyes, and looked at him tearfully.

"It's okay," Sirius whispered, standing with him still in his arms, "You're going to be fine."

Lily finally managed to disengage from the company of her work colleagues and stepped outside into the night.

There were a few people crowded in various groups out on the patio but she wasn't in the mood for further small talk and walked down the few steps that led to the garden, beyond which the entrance to the Foundation's maze was situated, looking particularly inviting.

She glanced over her shoulder at the party that was still in full swing, before she continued on her way down the path.

Keen for some solitude.

Lily avoided the eyes of a couple that emerged from the entrance, looking particularly dishevelled and incredibly guilty, and she noticed that the man in question was Conan Chesney, the other fellow on the Dorado project, and the woman was someone from the Outreach Department.

Lily wasn't sure of her name, but she was certain that she had seen her with her husband earlier on that evening at the party.

As she stepped through the open, wooden door, she was pleased to see that the maze was empty. Though she supposed she wasn't surprised, considering what its recent occupiers had been up to. She took the first left, allowing herself to walk wherever her feet happened to take her, another right, the next left.

She sighed, allowing herself to take in the beauty of the surroundings. Even the greenery of the maze, itself, hadn't been enough for the Foundation. There were floral displays, stone benches, water features and statues dotted around various key points of the structure.

She took the next right and then stopped, her eyes immediately landing on someone who was sitting down on one of the benches, his back to her.

He moved slightly and she immediately recognised him, just from the way he held himself.

Severus.

Lily hesitated, uncertain if she should try to sneak away – a childish thought, indeed – however as she thought it, she moved and her feet scuffed against a statue to her left.

Severus was on his feet in an instant - spinning around to face her – his hand immediately going to his wand.

The two of them just stood there, staring at one another for a moment – in an incredibly awkward silence – the discomfort of which seemed to increase with each seconds that their silence dragged on.

Lily must have taken seven turns on the way into this place.

How had she managed to take the exact route that would lead her to him?

Severus recovered first, the hand that had been reaching for his wand relaxing and dropping to his side, "Mrs Potter."

"Professor Snape," she nodded – in politeness that still felt incredibly forced - before she relaxed and glanced away, around at their picturesque surroundings, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude –"

"You are not intruding. The maze is open to everyone."

Severus' expression was almost warm when he spoke, before he indicated the bench.

Lily hesitated a moment before accepting the invitation – it was be rude, not to, even if she did actually have a strange wish to join him – and made her way over to sit.

Severus sat next to her and she thought she could feel his eyes on her, however, when she turned her head to look at him, his attention was fully on the water feature ahead.

"It's a beautiful place," Lily remarked, a bit unsure as of what to say, but the four glasses of champagne she had had appeared to have had a calming effect on her and she found she wasn't quite as uncomfortable as she had been during their previous conversations.

"Well, it was envisioned and designed by the Blacks, so," Severus shrugged.

Lily smiled and nodded, as the two settled into silence once again.

They had been working together for over a month now and, despite the occasional conversation, there was still a suppressive feeling of awkwardness whenever they spoke to one another. As if neither of them knew quite what the correct protocol was for best-friends-turned-adversary-turned-colleague and how to fill the ensuing silences.

Although she supposed adversary wasn't exactly a true reflection of what they had become.

And strangers was even less so.

She had caught glimpses – now and again – of the boy she had known.

"How are you enjoying the project?" Severus surprised her by being the first to break the silence.

"Very well," she was relieved, to easily find something to say in response; "And thank you, really, for all the research you provided me with."

"No trouble," he almost mumbled.

It had been more than helpful. She refrained from voicing it, the statement and also the massive confidence boost the information provided had given her.

No longer feeling so out of place – a novice in the team, as she'd feared she might do – she finally had hope, again, that what she was doing might actually work.

That Regulus Black's Foundation just might be the answer she had been searching for.

"It's a pretty amazing, what Black – Regulus Black – has done here," Lily stated, feeling emboldened by the thought and the alcohol she had consumed, and at Severus' glance she smiled and went on, "I mean, the Foundation. I know it's helped a lot of people."

"He'd be glad to hear that."

"You're very involved as well, aren't you?"

Severus only nodded and he seemed to want to say something but didn't and continued to avoid her eyes.

"How do you manage it? Deputy Head of Research, Potions Professor at Hogwarts," she realised she was beginning to ramble and forced herself to have a bit more control over what she was saying.

"Keeps me busy," Severus stated, and she was mildly surprised he had dignified her idiocy with a response, "I have no family to be concerned with."

Lily felt herself sober a bit at the statement and she wondered if that was something she should apologise for.

Not that she could have been any help with such matters, of course.

With a careful glance at him she quickly determined that he didn't appear saddened – nor bothered at all – by the declaration. But she still had a strong, unwavering urge to apologise and so she did.

"I'm sorry."

The two of them sat silent, neither moving for a moment.

And then Severus turned to look at her, his face almost impassive with the exception of a small furrow in his brow that indicated bewilderment.

"You're apologising? For what?"

Lily hesitated and wondered what she was sorry for.

For a moment she couldn't think of anything.

And then, suddenly, she was thinking of everything.

Memories from years ago – from when she was a child, before all this – before Harry, before Voldemort, before James.

Back to when it was just the two of them; just her and Severus. The fights, God, they had such awful fights sometimes. She remembered them well. Those fights about Slytherin, Gryffindor, his friends, her friends, politics, blood purity.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way. I've chosen mine."

Lily almost cringed as the memory of what she had said came back to her.

It sounded so juvenile. So self-righteous.

And, seeing him now, standing with an organisation that sought to undo it all – all that Voldemort had inflicted – she had obviously been wrong.

But that was so long ago.

Did he even remember that? Maybe he didn't.

"For..." she hesitated, glancing at him, "For judging you."

Severus held her look, not seeming to react to the statement, leaving her to wonder if he understood what she was talking about.

"Back when," she waved a hand, and he nodded, getting the idea, "I said some things – the night we stopped talking – they weren't true. So, I'm sorry."

Severus seemed to think about that for a moment and she thought she caught a flash of something in his eyes.

It almost looked like guilt. Shame. Enough to make her wonder.

And then he looked away and shook his head.

"That was a long time ago."

"I know. But still..."

"Better to leave the past in the past."

"Maybe. I just wanted you to know."

The two of them sat in silence, though it lacked the awkwardness that had been present before, as each of them thought on what she had just said.

After a few moments, he spoke again.

"I said things that day. Things I'm sorry for also."

"It's okay."

"No. It's not. It was wrong."

Lily hesitated, not really sure how to counter the statement.

She allowed herself to look at him more fully, while he continued to avoid looking directly at her. But then, he raised his eyes to hers with a look so familiar – almost vulnerable – to when they were young that it startled her.

And then she said, completely certain.

"You didn't mean it. So really, it is okay. I forgive you."

"Well. In that case, I'm honoured, Mrs Potter."

There was a hint of teasing in his voice as he looked away from her again.

She blushed at her own audacity for thinking that Severus Snape, the apparently famous and renowned Potions Master, would even care if she forgave him or not, so attempted to direct the conversation elsewhere.

"You know, you don't have to call me that," Lily said, without really thinking.

And, from the way Severus seemed to tense, she realised that she had just opened the door to what would surely be an especially uncomfortable topic of conversation for the two of them.

Severus seemed to think on his response for a moment, before he finally said, "That's your name isn't it? Potter."

There was no malice in his tone.

In fact, there was no emotion whatsoever in the way he said it.

She swallowed – not entirely comfortable with the fact that she'd just put herself in a position where she may end up having to defend her choice of husband – and, so, she went in a different direction, hoping he would follow.

"I'm still just Lily."

He looked at her, as if wanting to check it were true.

She gave an almost imperceptive shrug and smiled, which she felt widen when he smiled, slightly, in return.

"Perhaps we should just address the proverbial hippogriff in the room," she said, feeling braver following his encouraging smile; "I mean, it's been a month, and it's still pretty awkward isn't it?"

"What?"

"This," she motioned her hand between them, "You and me. It's awkward."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"Oh, please," she almost laughed, "Really. You haven't felt awkward at all?"

"Certainly not. Why should I feel awkward?"

"Oh, you know why," she rolled her eyes and she thought she could see his lips twitch; "We have to work together, don't you think we should talk about it?"

"Some things never change."

"Huh?"

"You. Talk. Talk. Talk," he glanced at her, a teasing look in his expression, "You always had to talk; to have a reason – an explanation – for everything. It is water under the bridge. Why not just let things be?"

"Really? 'Let things be', that's your answer?"

"Answer to what?"

"You're right, some things don't change. You're still as frustrating as ever."

"How much have you had to drink?"

Lily puffed out in mock offence, "Not enough to affect my faculties, thanks very much, Professor."

Severus smiled more fully at that, looking over at her.

He seemed to think for a moment before he spoke.

"I'm still just Severus," he repeated what she had said before.

Lily froze for a moment, holding his gaze, the warmth in his eyes as he regarded her surprising her and seeming to transfer over to her, as she felt herself warm internally at the tentative acceptance of a renewed friendship.

Lily offered him another smile and a nod.

He glanced at his timepiece and she noticed it was almost eleven.

Late and long past the time she ought to have departed.

She stood, brushing down her dress, "I'd better get back. I brought a friend with me; she'll be wondering where I am."

Severus also stood, more slowly, "This friend won't mind that you left her alone for such a long period?"

"Julia?" Lily chuckled, easily picturing her in the middle of a large group, telling jokes, stories, the life and soul of the party, "Highly unlikely."

She glanced around, uncertainly, "Perhaps you could point me in the right direction?"

"This is a maze," he was regarding her with obvious amusement, "The point is to get lost and then find the way out. Independently."

She raised an eyebrow, "You seem very confident. Have you ever walked this maze before?"

"Of course."

"Then...you know the way out?"

"That I do."

Lily laughed at the grin he could barely conceal.

"Well then, are you going to tell me?"

"No."

Severus strode past her, making his way – what appeared to be – deeper into the maze. Lily frowned, hesitating for a moment – wondering if that was an invitation or a dismissal – before she hurried after him.

"You know, I could just follow you until you lead me out."

"What makes you think I'm leaving?"

"Aren't you?"

"You will never know."

"You are," she said, rolling her eyes, her tone certain, before she spoke a playful warning, "I'm just going to keep following you, Severus!"

"You do that."

There was a playfulness in his tone she hadn't heard in years.

A playfulness she had almost forgotten he were capable of, because he had lost it for a while in those last couple of years of their friendship.

Severus quickened his pace, teasingly, and Lily struggled to hurry after him, eventually finding herself laughing and she was certain she could hear a low laugh coming from him, ahead of her, as they manoeuvred their way through the greenery, the statues and the flowers.

And, for a moment, she felt like she was twelve years old again – back at their childhood home – chasing her best friend through the fields.