Chapter Sixteen

Harry stared at the picture of his father that was framed and sitting atop of the chest of drawers to the right of his bed. It was the middle of the night but the moonlight shined on it, letting him see the outline of James Potter's face. He drew in a shaky breath, feeling nervous and upset as he looked at it, and thought it was silly because that picture had been sitting in the same spot since before he could remember and he had barely even noticed it.

It was almost frightening to him now. Which was silly as well. How could a picture be scary?

And he glanced away, trying not to look at it again. But that didn't help, because when he looked into the darkness and couldn't see anything before him the image of the stranger in the hospital bed, staring straight through him, appeared in his mind and that was worse.

He curled up in his bed, his eyes open; he didn't want to sleep. The last time he slept he had seen him again. He couldn't stop seeing him and remembering him. This man they said was his father and squeezed his eyes shut as a tear slipped down his cheek and he once again wished with everything he had that his Uncle Sirius was his father and that the whole thing that had happened was just a silly joke. He didn't want him; he didn't want James Potter.

What had happened to him? Could that happen to him too? To his mum? To his uncles?

Dead but not.

He wanted to see Ron and ask him what he thought, because his mum and Uncle Sirius hadn't been helpful when they had gotten home, simply telling him the same things he had heard over and over.

He found his eyes drawn back to the picture again and agitatedly threw his duvet from himself and jumped down from the bed, bravely approaching it. When he reached it he grabbed it and stared at it, closely, his eyes straining in the darkness.

They were always saying that he looked like him. That he was just like him. But as he peered at the picture he didn't see it; he didn't want to see it. The man in the picture didn't even look the same as the man he had seen yesterday. As the man in the picture moved and glanced repeatedly in his direction he felt uneasy again and turned the picture away from him, holding it upside down.

He clutched it tightly, his eyes scanning the room frantically, before he hurried over to the bookcase. Kneeling down, he clutched the picture in one hand and wiggled his arm through the small gap between the corner of the wall and the side of the bookcase until he felt his hand hit the back wall. With a guilty glance at the picture through the gaps of the books on the shelves, he opened his hand and let the frame fall. He winced at the soft smashing sound of the glass and withdrew his hand quickly.

He stood up and backed away, suddenly feeling shameful, before he turned and hurried back into bed; as much shame as he felt, he also felt a weight lift and a relief settle over him that he wouldn't have to look at the face again.

"It was like he was dead."

Lily winced at the statement, glancing in the direction of the door to the room where her son was talking to Remus.

"He's still there. He just can't –"

"Uncle Sirius once said that his soul was gone. He was right. Why does he speak to him when he knows he's not there?"

Lily walked away from the doorway, lifting a dish and beginning to dry it with an old but never-before used dish towel. They were more for show in the house as it was far easier to just flick her wand and have the cleaning up dealt with but, often, when she found herself becoming restless or distressed about something it helped to do things the muggle way. Do some dishes, get out the vacuum cleaner or polish the surfaces. Sirius used to look at her like she was crazy the first few times she had done it but, by now, he was accustomed to it.

It was a form of pretending. Pretending that everything was normal. That she was normal. That her life was normal. She rarely wished for that, of course. At times like those she would think of Petunia, living a completely separate life with her husband and her own son; a life free of the war, the prejudices, the troubles, the loss. She envied her, sometimes. Not often. But sometimes.

It had been a few days since she had taken Harry to see James. He hadn't spoken about it since that night. He had barely spoken at all. Sirius had assured her that he would be fine; that he would get over the shock and would be able to deal with it better the next time.

If there would be a next time.

Harry hadn't asked to return and she wasn't sure if she wanted to take the risk of a repeat the past weekend's disaster. Her decision to take him hadn't been for his benefit; it had been selfish. It was her who had wanted that bond, her who insisted that James was his father and that he couldn't think of any other in that role. Would he even want to go back after what had happened? Was it fair to try and force a bond with James? To accept James as his father when there was a chance he might never return?

She released a shuddering breath, in her mind taking back the consideration, as she was once again shaken by the fact that James was slipping further away. In her mind, at least. How often had she thought that recently? That he wouldn't return? She felt a lump in her throat and a guilty jolt at the thought; she had promised to never give up.

The door to the kitchen creaked open and she turned as Remus offered a smile and walked into the room. She put down the items she was holding; "How is he?"

"A little confused. But he'll be fine," Remus said, reassuringly.

She gave him a small smile as a means of thanking him and lowered her eyes. She felt his hand on her shoulder, rubbing it gently; "What about you?"

She raised her eyes to glance at him, then shrugged and looked away; "I'm fine." She walked by him, into the living room, glancing around and finding no sight of Harry, before she took a seat on the couch. A moment later she felt Remus sit down next to her.

"You're not fine. You don't have to act like you are."

She gave a humourless smile, clasping her hands together, "That's one of the things Harry got so upset about when we took him. That Sirius and I were pretending everything was okay; that James could hear us; that he knew what we were saying." She shrugged; "Harry doesn't think he can."

"Do you?"

She was silent for a moment; not certain how to respond to the question. Before she glanced over and met his eyes. She shook her head; "I don't know anymore."

He held her look a moment, his eyes full of understanding and compassion, before he reached for her hand, squeezing it gently; "It's okay, Lily."

"No," she shook her head, looking away from him, "No, it's not okay, Remus. I...I made a promise to myself, to Harry that..."

"I know. But you can't keep holding on, waiting around for something that may never happen. Look at how it's affecting you; how it's affecting Harry. You can't go on like this."

She swallowed, looking down, taking her hand from his and clasping her own back together; "What if I can't, Remus...what if I can't stop?" It came out quieter, more unsure than she had expected. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth.

"You can," he said, with a certainty that she almost believed him, "You will. But first, you just have to be willing to let go."

She thought on what he had said a moment, uncertainly, almost frightened at the idea of letting it go. After all this time, what did she have, what would she do if she were to let go of that hope? The hope that one day she would get her family back. Everything she had done, everything she was doing was for James. She drew in a breath before she spoke; "I don't know if I want to."

She caught Remus nod out the corner of her eye and then felt his arm wrap around her shoulder and she leaned into him, allowing herself to seek the comfort she had craved since all the troubles with Harry and Sirius had started.

"It'll be okay."

She sighed before she drew back, looking up at him; "And what about you, Remus?"

He frowned slightly, looking down at her, "What about me?"

"When are you going to let go?"

He looked confused for a moment, before his eyes cleared in realisation and he averted his eyes, "That's different."

"Yes," she agreed, "With Sirius you still have a chance to make things right."

"Maybe I don't want that."

"But why wouldn't you? You say holding onto James is damaging to me; look at what this grudge you're holding towards Sirius is doing to you."

"It's not the same thing," he insisted, though his eyes were sad when they returned to hers, "I trusted him. He betrayed me. That's where it ends."

"It doesn't have to."

"You don't understand, Lily," he shook his head, "I mean, how could you? Look at me, I'm...I'm a..." he looked away, "I've never been proud of what I am. And I've always known that I would be...judged. But it was different with them; James and Sirius," he hesitated, adding almost reluctantly, "And Peter. They accepted me; at least, I thought they did."

"They did," she touched his shoulder, and he glanced at her, "We all did."

He gave a humourless smile; "Not completely though. I was completely loyal to you, all of you; I would have died before I'd let anything happen to any of you. But in the end it didn't matter; all that mattered was what I was. What I am."

"Remus, no one thinks that," she sighed, "We were just scared. We made a really bad, a really stupid decision. And it cost us James."

"It was Sirius who –"

"No," she said, quickly stopping him, "No, it wasn't. It was all of us," she looked at him, remorsefully, "I'm so sorry." His eyes seemed to soften, so she went on; "So is Sirius."

He only looked at her for a moment before he averted his eyes.

"I'm worried about him, Remus."

He sighed, keeping his eyes focused on the corner of the room.

"He's distant. Withdrawn. Ever since Peter escaped from Azkaban he's been pulling away," she leaned forward, encouraging him to look at her, "I'm scared he's going to do something. Something really stupid."

"Something, like, go after him? It's bound to happen sooner or later. The aurors haven't made any progress and it's been weeks."

"Going after him is one thing; what he does if he finds him is another. He could end up in Azkaban if he kills him; or, worse, he could end up dead if Peter..."

He glanced at her, before he shrugged, and she felt herself grow frustrated:

"Remus, you could talk to him. He must...he probably feels like he's alone in this. If you and he could finally resolve your differences –"

"I need more time, Lily."

"Five years isn't enough time?"

He looked at her with an ironic raise of the eyebrow and she shook her head, averting her eyes.

"He won't listen if it's just me. I'm really scared for him, Remus."

When he didn't respond she turned and glanced up at him. He held her look, looking at her strangely for a moment, before he sighed, surrendering; "I'll talk to him."

She smiled; "Thank you."

He shrugged, glancing down. He suddenly looked lonelier than she had ever seen him and, feeling a swell of love and compassion for her close friend, she reached for his hand.

"Remus, you have to stop thinking about what happened. You have to let it go, because it's making you believe things that aren't true."

"Like what?" he met her eyes.

"That we still judge you based on that; that we ever judged you based on that. I've never looked at you and seen that side of you. I know who you are; you're a good man."

He held her look, a vulnerability in his eyes that he rarely showed; "To be honest, coming from you...well, it's hardly reassuring. You always see the best in people."

"That's not entirely true," she said, pensively, Severus suddenly coming to mind at his statement. He came to mind a lot, she realised, before she found Remus looking at her searchingly and she quickly pushed thoughts of Severus away.

"It's pretty obvious to see with you, Remus," she spoke with a lighter tone now, "I mean you're a big softie –"

"A softie?" He raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly, "Thanks."

She chuckled, "It is meant as a compliment. I mean, look how good you are with Harry. He loves you so much. You're so patient, so much more than Sirius and I. And you're kind and reliable; you're always there when he needs you. When I need you." She looked at him with a small smile, "I don't know what I would have done without you these past five years."

It was meant as a declaration of friendship, though she would reflect back later and realise how her words may how sounded; how they could have been taken and how, it seemed, they were taken. Because Remus held her eyes a little longer than necessary, with a look he had never given her, and a look she hadn't received in a very long time and before she could really comprehend where she had seen it before and what it meant, Remus' lips were on hers.

"What?"

Lily glanced at Julia over her coffee, blushing with embarrassment.

"Are you serious? Oh my God! Why would he do that?"

"I don't know!" Lily burst out, before shaking her head and pressing the palm of her hand to her face, "I mean, we've had conversations like that before but never, never has it even come close to –" she cut off and shook her head, unable to repeat what she had just told her.

Julia was laughing with devilish delight at her predicament and Lily felt her face burning as she glanced around the cafe at the various occupants who were making surreptitious glances in their direction.

"So?" Julia finally managed to choke out, as she attempted to regain her breath.

"So?" Lily reiterated, with a confused frown.

"So..." Julia was grinning widely, "What was it like?"

Lily rolled her eyes at the juvenile question, suddenly feeling like she was back at Hogwarts, before she stated the only word that could possibly describe the feelings the kiss had evoked; "Incest, Julia."

Julia appeared to lose the tiny bit of self-control she had restored previously and fell into another fit of laughter, as Lily reasserted;

"It was like incest."

"Oh!" Julia pressed a hand to her chest, bubbles of laughter continuing to erupt from her, "Oh, poor Remus!"

"Poor Remus, indeed," Lily rolled her eyes and lifted her coffee mug to her lips, taking a sip, trying not to laugh as Julia continued giggling.

She had never been more thankful to have Julia as a friend; she could never have spoken to Sirius about what had happened and the horror she had felt when she had realised that yes, Remus was, in fact, kissing her and had almost leapt from the couch like a jumping jack when her senses had confirmed it.

"Are you alright?" Julia asked, with no concern whatsoever, as she continued to giggle with unabashed delight.

Lily rolled her eyes but couldn't help a grin that tugged at her lips; "I'm fine. Thanks for your concern."

"I do hope he was gentle, it must have been a while," Julia said, tightly, through giggles, making Lily blush a deeper shade of pink.

"Okay, let's change the subject," Lily said, suddenly not so keen to discuss the whole thing, if it meant she was going to have to relive the actual moment it had happened.

She wondered how she could face Remus again, after this, remembering how she had quickly insisted he leave and rushed off to 'tend to Harry' – a ridiculous excuse to run from the room, but she wasn't thinking correctly at the time.

If she had been, she would have realised the sensible thing to do would have been to calmly ask him what the hell he thought he was doing and explain the boundaries of their friendship and he would apologise and dismiss the whole thing and they would laugh and, afterwards, it would be if it had never happened.

But now there was only the promise of awkwardness and an uncomfortable secret she had to keep from Sirius if he happened to notice it.

But she supposed that, at least, her thoughts regarding the incident had been made perfectly clear to him and she suddenly felt guilty that she had rejected him so forcefully. So juvenilely. That would hardly do anything for his self-esteem.

"Do you think that he's always..." Julia let the remark trail off and Lily glanced at her, feeling incredibly uncomfortable at the idea.

"No," she said, as she shook her head, "No, I'm sure it was all just...'in the moment'. That sort of thing."

Julia was grinning again, "Isn't it funny how one person can be completely in the moment, when the other person really isn't feeling it?"

"No, funny it was not," Lily said, swallowing nervously, "Besides, I had no idea that's what he was thinking."

"You seem nervous," Julia stated, looking at her carefully, "Guilty, even."

Lily lowered her eyes, unconsciously glancing in the direction of her wedding ring, and she heard Julia sigh.

"It's okay, Lily. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes, I know," she nodded, lifting her head and sitting straighter, as if to assert that she had nothing to be ashamed of, "It was so brief. In fact, it was barely a kiss."

Julia offered a small smile, before she went on hesitantly, "No...I mean, yes that may have been the case but..." she was looking at her carefully, "Well, you know if you did kiss him back. It's nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of."

"I have a husband," Lily said, though it sounded weaker than she intended, and she went on more assertively, "And Remus is one of his best friends."

"Well...okay, yes. He is. I...suppose that makes it questionable," Julia conceded, before she went on, "But, if it had been someone else. And you had wanted it," Julia tilted her head at her, "It wouldn't be a bad thing, Lily."

Lily avoided her eyes and wished she could just as easily avoid the direction the conversation was taking; "I've...never kissed anyone since James."

"A dry spell if ever there was one," Julia raised an eyebrow, "So you haven't..." she looked at her, appraisingly.

"No!" Lily blushed, "How could I? I'm –"

"Married," Julia nodded, though her expression seemed to suggest she thought otherwise, "But...well, didn't you say that you and Remus were talking about moving on? He was telling you to let go. He's not all wrong there. Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you," she added, hastily, with a grin.

Lily chuckled and shook her head, "It's not something I can just do out of nowhere, Jules."

"I know," Julia looked at her sympathetically, "Look, I can't even beginning to know what you're going through." She paused and then smiled, "But you're a great person, Lily. It's...it's just ashame to see you so...closed off."

"Closed off?"

"You know, to the idea of moving on. Of...maybe finding someone else."

Lily held her look for a moment, contemplating what she was saying. Was she telling her to give up? To cut her loses and move on?

Find someone else. It was almost incomprehensible to her. And, to be honest, she really didn't think she had the energy to go through it all again. Meeting someone new. Letting herself be vulnerable. Insecurities about whether or not feelings were returned. Where the relationship was going. Yes, she remembered it all very well; it was one of the most draining experiences ever.

"I...I haven't ever thought about finding anyone else."

"Well, you never will if you hold on to this..." Julia shrugged, not able to put the situation into words, "I just think that you're, what, twenty six years old? And, if you look at the bigger picture, you've still got your whole life ahead of you," she paused until Lily met her eyes, "It's a long time to be alone."

Lily glanced away from her, avoiding the temptation to remind Julia that she, also, was alone and she seemed pretty happy, so life couldn't be all that bad without a man around. Instead she nibbled on her bottom lip, catching it between her teeth, before she responded;

"Like you said, I've still got my whole life. I've got time."

"Maybe you'll find someone at the Gala next week," Julia winked.

"Did you manage to get the night off?" Lily eagerly accepted the chance to change the topic of conversation.

"I did," her friend grinned, "I wouldn't miss this for the world. There are some pretty impressive people at your work; people whose acquaintance I should like to continue."

"Such as?" Lily raised her eyebrow.

"Wouldn't you like to know," Julia said, with mock coyness, "Though I shall never forgive you for not introducing me to Severus Snape at the last event."

"I barely saw him myself."

"Oh really?"

"Well, not at the party."

Julia was looking at her with a twinkle in her eyes; "I seem to remember the two of you emerging together from the make-out maze."

"The 'make-out maze'?" Lily repeated, "No one calls it that."

"Well, its uses are rather well known," Julia stated, grinning.

"We both entered separately and came across one another accidently."

"Well, try not to keep him all to yourself this time," Julia's eyes were sparkling and Lily found herself blushing for no valid reason.

"I hardly keep him to myself. You are welcome to him."

She didn't know why but she regretted saying it the moment the words escaped her. But she pushed aside, what she assumed to be, her juvenile possessiveness of her old friend and smiled as she remembered a particularly amusing comment he had made the evening before when they had dined in the Bistro.

"Can't wait."