William

"I can't believe I let you guys talk me into this," Angel grumbles rather pointedly, making me question my own good judgment in accompanying the group as well.

"Oh, Angel, stop being such a fuddy dud!" Miss Fred… Fred... teases him light-heartedly. "The kids… and William… have never been and wanted to come. Don't ruin it for them."

"Yeah, man! Everyone should have a chance to eat way too much cotton candy before jumping on the rides so they can puke it all up."

"Charles!" Fred gives the robust Gunn a playful slap to his arm, causing his smile to broaden further.

I can't help but notice the brief but longing glance Windam-Pryce… Wes… sends in the direction of the vibrant young lady with the undefinable je ne sais quoi and rather endearing accent.

"Right! I mean, if you haven't vomited your guts up after one too many rounds on the scrambler can you really even say you've truly lived?"

I sincerely hoped Dawn was speaking in jest. Vomiting was certainly not part of the descriptions they'd provided me for an amusement park.

"I don't know. I'm 248, and I like to think I've really lived." Angel commented. Though I'm entirely uncertain if he is speaking in jest or if he is being serious.

"Two hundred forty-eight?" My impulsive nature once again gets the better of me as I exclaim the purported age.

"Is that counting your human years?" Fred asks him curiously.

"Decidedly not." Wes supplies. "He was turned in 1753."

"So just how old are you then?" Connor's question is rather tightly voiced.

"It, uh, doesn't really matter." Angel oddly evades the question and paces a bit ahead of the group to a curious little building labeled 'ticket office.'

"Guess he's a little self-conscious about his age," Dawn whispers towards me conspiratorially.

After a brief pause as Angel secures entry for us, we are all strolling along a boardwalk, taking in the bright and varied lights of the park. There appears to be an innumerable variety of distractions for one's amusement. The shootist gallery is an interesting one that somehow functions without any ammunition to activate a variety of mechanical figures. There were balloons, darts, and all manner of rather odd things that supposedly passed for food. He had to admit, some of it was rather delectable, even if it didn't really resemble any sort of recognizable food.

But the best part, however, was what they called the rides. He had to admit, it had taken quite a lot of convincing to get him on the first one. But once he got started, he rather happily found that he enjoyed them quite a lot.

"Do we really have to ride the roller coaster again?" Dawn complains with exaggerated physicality.

"Oh, come on Dawn! I'm pretty sure William plans to ride it at least… what… three more times?" Connor tries to goad Dawn into once again joining us in line.

"Three is hardly enough!" I heartily agree with him, noting that Dawn seems to blush slightly every time Connor speaks her name. "It's quite exhilarating!"

Perhaps there was something between them that might be reciprocated if Connor's exuberance is any indication? The two certainly seemed to have a measure of easy interactions. If I didn't know better, I'd even swear the two were potentially displaying signs of future amorous dealings. Leaving me, once again, feeling a bit on the perimeter of the proper group.

"So, what were you saying about Buffy?"

My ears prick at the mention of the more pensive version of Buffy that accompanied us to the park. I quickly scan the area for her, spying her and Angel standing off near a table some distance from Wes and Gunn, who are waiting nearby as the children and I wait in the lengthy queue for our turn.

"Her and Fred talked for quite a while earlier."

Should I be listening to them? They seem to be speaking in confidence.

"Oh?"

"She says she's going back to Sunnydale tomorrow."

This revelation nearly shakes me to the core. But then, I'd told her goodbye, hadn't I? Why would she stay?

"So soon? They just got back. I thought they were planning to stay all week? Give the kid a vacation before school starts?"

Gunn seems equally shocked at the revelation.

"Indeed. However, she said it would be better to leave now and let William move on even if it crushes her heart to let him go. It would be that much worse a week from now."

"Man, that's rough. Loving someone so much, but they won't see it."

How preposterous! I am the one who is so completely besotted with one who can't love me back.

"Not that I'd know anything about that."

Wes's reply is decidedly bitter. There is something there, then, with Wes and Fred. Or was as some point. I'd thought there must be. This bitterness isn't something that can be fabricated. It is a pain I know all too well.

"Uh… yeah." Gunn seemed momentarily stunned. "Anyway, I thought she'd fight harder for it. Make him try to see, you know?"

"No. Buffy's not like that. Not anymore, anyway. She's never been quite the same after the nightmare that was Angel losing his soul."

"I can see how that might make someone a little gun shy."

"William!" Connor calls to me. "Move up!"

"Oh, yes! Sorry!" I've been embarrassingly distracted by the overhead conversation below us.

"Didn't you say they her and Angel tried to have a relationship after he got back from that hell dimension?"

"Indeed, but with the caveat in the curse upon his soul, Angel could never let himself commit to a real relationship with her no matter how much he loved her."

Perhaps a wise decision on Angel's part, as devastating as it must have been.

"Surely there's a way around that though? Since they knew about it? If they really had the great big true love they talk about, right?"

He hadn't thought of that. For true love, one must make every attempt, mustn't they?

"It is probably one of Angel's biggest regrets that he didn't fight harder at the time for their relationship to survive. He always thought that if it were true love, then in time the fates would intervene to bring them together again when they could have the relationship they both desired."

"And Buffy just let him go?"

"Oh, she was devastated, but he was determined. And after nearly a year of trying to make him see, what else could she do?"

"Too bad Angel didn't see that love isn't fate or any of that nonsense. It's something you make every day with your own two hands. I mean, don't get me wrong, love at first sight is great and all, but it only gets you so far. You have to do the rest yourself, you know?"

"Well, he is a vampire. Perhaps in another hundred years or so he'll find another true love."

But what of this love? Now? How could he not cling to it with… I suddenly have a disquieted feeling that these two are making sport of me. Is this all some poor joke to paint me a fool? But what if they were speaking true? Could I afford to discount it?

"Then there was her relationship after that. Total disaster, apparently."

"What happened there?"

"A soldier who apparently labored under the delusion that Buffy didn't love him, no matter how much she protested otherwise."

"Really?"

"Mmm, hmm. Quite insecure apparently. Saw everything she did as just another indication that she didn't or couldn't love him. For instance, the Initiative soldiers had been chemically enhanced to make them stronger, but it damaged their hearts. A simple procedure was devised to fix it, but Riley refused it, thinking that she could only love him if he were as strong, or stronger, than she was. Buffy searched all over Sunnydale looking for him, trying to save his life. But by the time she found him, he'd convinced himself that she'd leave him for someone else if he had the procedure done."

"That's some genuine bull crap right there. A man should be happy if his woman is strong. Besides, we're all strong in our own ways. Look at Fred. In her own way, she's the strongest woman I know!"

Surely a proper man wouldn't be so easily dissuaded from true love by something so inconsequential. Buffy's strength was a gift of ordained destiny. How could any true man be intolerant of such a blessing?

"He was so insecure that he blamed her for being bitten while under Dracula's thrall as well."

"That's messed up! Like blaming a mugging victim."

"Apparently by the time he left, he'd become not just demeaning, but quite demanding and manipulative as well. As much as Buffy tried to conform to his wishes, none of it was ever enough for him."

"Probably a good thing he left. You can't ever satisfy someone like that."

"Truly, a real relationship must have not only acceptance of each other, but compromise as well. We all have our flaws. Hopefully, those who love us can look past that as we seek to become our better selves."

Indeed. No one was brought into this world without sin or imperfections. True love should be accepting, should it not?

"And then there was the relationship with Spike after she'd been pulled out of Heaven."

"William! Pay attention! Move up!" Dawn urges me, and I quickly move to comply.

"I can't even guess how much that would mess with someone's head."

"Truly, a lesser person would likely have sought a swift return by any means possible. But apparently Spike somehow kept her grounded long enough for her to regain the will to live."

"Wait, but Spike never had a soul, right?"

"No, not at all."

"Sounds like a lot more than that went on though, and not all good."

Indeed. Apparently quite a significant amount more.

"And precisely how would you respond to being pulled out of Heaven?"

"You've got a point there. Sounds like she needed to step back and get her head on straight. But this thing with William is different, right?"

"Not really. And maybe he's right, who knows? Buffy has been so battered and bruised by love, it's hardly a wonder she's afraid to admit the true depth of her feelings for him, much less open herself up to him completely. Particularly since it seems like he's decided it isn't worth pursuing."

"Fred told me Buffy said she'd rather just let him go, no matter how much she loves him, than risk going through all of that again. Better to let him think she can't love him."

"True. Love is always a risk. The higher the risk, the higher the reward."

Or the greater the loss.

"Buffy's risked everything so many times, though, it's little wonder she's learned to anticipate the inevitable and let William go rather than try to hold too tightly to someone who's unwilling to risk as much."

"WILLIAM!" Connor pulls my arm. "Come on, man!"

"What?" I turn back to the boy, clearly confused.

"Are you riding or not?" He indicates the open seat.

"You and Dawn go ahead. I rather think I'll sit this one out if you don't mind."

Connor rolls his eyes but then allows Dawn to take the seat he'd offered me, as others pushed around me.

"Maybe someone should tell William how she really feels?" Gunn suggests.

"Angel tried. Several times, apparently. And at this point, I'm afraid he would just use it against her."

"Nah, William wouldn't do that."

"Anyone could do that, Gunn, if we let our insecurities overpower our better selves. We become wounded animals, lashing out at the hand trying to comfort us. Eventually, that hand stops reaching."

"Too true, man. Too true. She seemed really heartbroken earlier. Maybe it's better this way."

"Yes, I do think this is the better outcome. Better she focus on slaying than risk it all for nothing yet again."

"He seems like a pretty good guy, though."

"Oh yes, a true gentleman I'm sure. He'll surely find another love at some point. Perhaps a nice sedate young woman who poses less of a challenge."

"Too bad he doesn't realize how much she really loves him."

"Yes, but, Slayers have such short lives, she deserves what happiness she can find rather than trying to prop up someone else's insecurities. Perhaps this just wasn't meant to be."

"I hear you. Hey, let's go grab some drinks while they finish riding."

Gunn and Wes walk away in amiable companionship, debating what libations they should purchase as they move away from my vicinity.

Is this true? I might think it is all some sort of trick if not for the bitterness I'd heard in Wes's voice. And surely Fred, with her goodness and sincerity wouldn't participate in making some sort of sport of me.

"Hey, dude! Quit holding up the line!"

Some rather uncultured youth shouts at me. Though, perhaps, now that I observe my surroundings I am being rather obstructive.

"William! You ready for the next round?" Connor asks, standing where Wes and Gunn had been just moments ago.

He and Dawn's turn on the ride had apparently already transpired while I'd been lost in the folly of eavesdropping. Of all the sins to indulge, surely this one was the banalest and yet, could prove to be the most dangerous as well, as I well know. Many a time in history the tide of war changed as a result of an overheard confidence.

And yet, perhaps there was a redeeming factor to this sin as well? An early end to war saves many lives. So too, if one hears of things that change their perspective for the better, is it truly an irredeemable sin? Nothing of sin ever is, save the cardinal ones. Better to seek forgiveness and learn from one's mistakes that cling to one's own deficiencies. Still… something of this all seems somehow strangely familiar.

Buffy

"Ugh! This line is so long. You'd think the Ferris wheel would have a shorter line than the roller coasters."

Fred seemed to be rather impatient, but Dawn had insisted she wanted to ride.

"Thanks for agreeing to ride with me. Connor thought it was too slow, and I can only take so much of mopey Buffy."

Hey! She wasn't being mopey. And even if she was, she had good reasons for it. Leave it to her little sister to make it all about her.

"Well, can you blame her? I'd be pretty mopey after giving up someone like William, too."

She didn't give him up, he dumped her!

"See, I don't get that! She fought for nearly a year to make it work with Angel. And Riley? That was never going to work, but… again… she tried for like a year to make that overgrown neandertal grow a brain."

"Yikes! A little latent jealousy there?"

Yeah, Dawn. Talk about vicious.

"What? Totally not! He was so controlling, and he never could accept that Buffy was stronger than him. She would, like, bend over backward to make him feel better about himself. But it was never enough."

So I'm not the only one who thought that.

"Sort of like this thing with William, then?"

Right!

"Nothing like this thing with William."

"Really? Why not."

Yeah, why not?

"Well, see it was totally the opposite with Spike and Buffy. He bent over backward, sideways, and upside down trying to make her happy."

Sometimes literally.

"I thought we were talking about William?"

Yes! I don't know how many times I have to tell her that he isn't Spike.

"That's just it. See, Buffy likes to think they're two different people."

"Because they are, Dawn."

"No, they aren't. Even Angel says so."

Wait, what?

"See, Spike explained it to me once last summer. He says that when you become a vampire, you keep all your memories, your emotions, and even your personality, everything that made you, you. But once the human soul moves out and the demon moves in, it's like you stop caring about all those pesky little rules that everyone lives by and makes us all separate ourselves into social classes and determines who and what we're allowed to be."

"Sort of like losing your superego, or you know, being a psychopath."

Yeah! That. Right?

"See, that's what I said! But he said that's a weak ana… analog? Analogy! A weak analogy! Psychopaths don't have any conscience, but they also don't have any emotion or way to connect with others on more than a basic level."

Ok, this was getting a little bit too detailed to be a coincidence.

"Jeeze, could this line go any slower?"

"I know, right? But hey, any port in a Buffy storm!"

Hey!

"Aw, come on, she can't be that bad."

"You have no idea! I'm actually kind of glad she's not fighting it."

"You are?"

She is?

"See, William is Spike, and Spike is William. Two sides of the same coin. And Buffy's hurt Spike enough, I don't think William needs to be Spike 2.0. You know?"

"Ok, so maybe Spike came from William, but Spike was like, what, 120 years old? He had like four and a half times the life experience of William. You'd be hard-pressed to say William is Spike."

"I don't know, if I live to be 80 years old I'm still me, right? I mean, you're four and a half times the life experience of when you were a child, but you're still you."

"True, but if you go in reverse and take away everything you learned in those 60 years you wouldn't be the same person still."

"Why not? Everything that makes me, me, is still there. I still have the same feelings, thoughts, and insecurities I started with. I mean, if you hadn't been a prisoner in that one dimension, you'd still be you, right?"

"I mean, yeah, at the base I guess, but I would be different today. I wouldn't even know Charles or Angel or Wes."

Exactly.

"Oh hey, looks like we're getting close!"

"Finally!"

"So, how do you know? That you would be different? You might have still ended up here, just with less trauma. Or different trauma, I guess. The point is, inside it's still you no matter where you end up."

"But this thing with William is different."

Totally different! Isn't it?

"Maybe. It is kind of sad. I mean, both Spike and William loved Buffy with everything in them. I don't think he knows any other way. That would be so scary to me. To be so totally invested and then find out she didn't even think it was worth fighting for."

"Mmm… he was telling Angel how hard it is to love her so much, but to let her go. He didn't think she'd do it, but I guess Angel was right."

Angel? Right about what?

"How so?"

"If she's willing to let go of William so easily, was she ever really in love with him?"

"I guess not. I mean, Buffy always follows her heart one hundred percent. It's one of the things that makes her different as a slayer. I guess William was right. She just loves this idea of who she thought Spike was."

"But that means she didn't really love Spike himself, either. She never really knew him. Which means she never really knew William. And all of this mess is really just about guilt."

Is it? Is it really all just guilt?

"I guess you're right. Besides, William deserves to have someone who can really love him completely for who he is right now, not who he might be or who he was. Someone who will give him an actual chance to show them who he is and that he really does love her."

"Right. And Buffy deserves to find happiness that's more fitting for her, you know?"

"Yeah! You're right. Buffy deserves someone who loves her with everything, but who she also loves with everything, too."

But… I did. Didn't I?

"Except…"

"Except, what?"

"Except, Riley was a little bit right. After Angel, Buffy never really risked putting herself fully out there. Not with Riley, and it sounds like not with Spike either. It was all pretty one-sided."

"So maybe William doesn't really love the real Buffy, either?"

"How could he? If she's only letting him see the parts of herself she wants to show him?"

"Maybe she's trying to keep from being hurt again?"

"Then I'd say that as a strategy... it kind of sucks."

"It doesn't seem to be working very well, does it?"

"Oh, yay! Finally! I was getting tired of standing."

"Me too!"

Are they right? She had to admit, she did hold a part of herself away from Riley, but that's because he just couldn't handle it. He was so threatened by her strength and independence. She could admit to herself now that Dawn was right about Riley, it really never was going to work.

But had she really tried? Yes, she had. She'd tried so hard to make it work with him. By the time he left, she'd pretty much exhausted all attempts to make him happy. He turned into the epitome of the bad boyfriend you kept around because your friends really like him. But, he never could accept who and what she was, so it was never really going to go anywhere.

And there was no disputing she'd absolutely tried with Angel. As much as he was her first great love, she could look back now and see that no matter how much they wanted it to work, it just wasn't meant to be. But it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.

And now it seemed like William was pulling a Riley with the whole demand thing. But was it really like Riley? With Riley, it was because he couldn't handle her at her best, much less her worst. He said he wanted all of her, but he really didn't. He wanted this picturesque idea of her that wasn't anything close to the actual her.

No, William was the opposite. Here she was trying to show him this ideal version of herself when what he was wanting was the real her.

The problem was, did she even know who the real her was anymore? Once upon a time, she thought she knew quite well. Now? She wonders if she ever really did.

Angel

William and Buffy both had studiously avoided each other for the rest of the evening.

William was like a kid in a candy store, and he was hard-pressed to say who had been more enthusiastic about the thrill rides, him or Connor. They'd had to bribe him with the promise of a trip to the nearest Borders to get him on the first one, but after that, you couldn't stop him.

Buffy was less the thrill ride type today and more with the ferris wheel, over and over. Alone. He really hated to see her this way, but he also knew she'd pull herself out of it eventually. At least everyone else had been more than ready to step up and make sure Connor and Dawn had a good time.

Speaking of which, there was more going on there than he cared to admit. He had to admit though, it was funny as heck watching Connor and Dawn together. He tried impressing her, and that backfired in spectacular fashion. Then he tried doting on her, which she'd brushed off with practiced indifference. Not until he gave up did she really even give him the time of day. Hopefully, Connor learned a little something from that. Still, Connor needed to get involved with more kids instead of just grasping at anyone who would give him positive attention, like William. It was crazy how well those two were hitting it off.

Now that they were back at the hotel, everyone was miserable with fried food, soft drinks, and one too many spins on one too many rides, and slowly plodding off towards their rooms. The question was… did their little ruse pay off?

He had to hand it to Dawn when she'd approached them with the idea he'd initially thought it could never work. But he also couldn't deny that both William and Buffy were the type that had to "discover" something on their own. You can't tell those two much of anything, they have to figure it out for themselves.

So after a bit more thought, he'd agreed that maybe Dawn's plan to take a page from Shakespeare himself might actually work. It was risky, as Wes pointed out that William would undoubtedly be familiar with the play, but if they did it right, neither one should suspect a thing. And he was fairly certain they had pulled it off. The real question was… did it work?

Only time would tell.