Chapter Twenty

It was Christmas.

Regulus Black had loved Christmas as a child.

When he was young his family was both admired and envied.

They were the perfect example of the ideal wizarding family. Being a Black meant something.

He and Sirius would be brothers and play and fight over whatever gifts they had received. And, later that day, their cousins and aunt and uncle would join them, and they would play games and dance and be merry, the way that was expected of a big family Christmas.

That all stopped when Andromeda left.

But even then, his parents would still celebrate Christmas with him and his brother, albeit less wildly.

It wasn't until Sirius left that things had gotten really bad.

The first Christmas after he left; that was the worst.

Until now.

Nothing compared to this.

Christmas 1986.

Because all those things still stood except, now, Evelyn was dead.

And his son was lying in a hospital bed having been in critical condition for four days. Only the night before had he finally awoken, briefly, and the Healers had informed Regulus that he would survive.

He still felt sick.

Malachi didn't know yet. He didn't know his mother was gone.

Regulus reached for his hand, holding it gently in his, and pressed it to his lips.

Malachi stirred and opened his eyes.

He peered at his father in bewilderment for a moment – as if he couldn't quite believe his father were there – before a slow smile spread across his face, "Dad."

Regulus gave him a small smile in response, in an attempt to conceal his own troubles, "Merry Christmas, Beansprout."

His little boy's brow furrowed in confusion, before his eyes landed on the little pile of presents that sat upon the table next to his bed.

His eyes widened, excitedly, and he tried to push himself up into a seated position, only to whimper and fall back weakly.

"Here," Regulus whispered, moving closer and slipping a hand beneath him.

He gently pulled up upwards and propped up some pillows behind his back, before he pressed a kiss to his son's forehead.

Malachi smiled again, looking tiredly in the direction of the gifts.

His eyes were eager but he didn't say anything.

Regulus reached for one of them, "These are for you."

He handed the first to him.

Malachi's smile widened and he took it excitedly, but didn't make a move to open it. Instead, he looked in the direction of the door with some impatience.

"Aren't you going to open it?"

Malachi looked at him with a frown.

"Don't I have to wait for Mum?"

Regulus swallowed, a sudden tightness in his chest overwhelming him at the question.

Not today.

Not on Christmas.

"No, that's okay. Your Mum's busy just now."

Malachi's frown deepened at the statement and he glanced in the direction of the door again before back at Regulus. Regulus offered an encouraging nod and Malachi smiled and began to open the first of the few gifts he had been given.

Regulus saw someone step into the room out the corner of his eye and turned in their direction.

Severus nodded in greeting, which Regulus returned, before he made his way over to them as Malachi thanked his father for the first gift.

Regulus handed another to him, then set the other few on the bed, allowing Malachi to continue opening them as he stood and indicated to Severus to come to the corner of the room.

"I assume you haven't told him?" Severus' asked, quietly, when they were out of earshot.

"No. I can't. It's Christmas."

"The longer you leave it –"

"I know. Tomorrow."

"He's going to start asking questions."

"Please, Severus."

Regulus turned his face away from him, suddenly overwhelmed by the reality of what was happening and drew in a breath that sounded more like a strangled gasp. He felt Severus' hand on his arm and willed himself to remain composed.

"Dad?"

Regulus drew in a breath, quickly arranging himself, before he turned and forced a smile, "Yes, Malachi?"

Malachi held up the wizarding comic book with a bright smile; "Thanks! I really wanted this."

Regulus nodded, his smile small but genuine this time.

Malachi was always grateful for the simpliest of things.

What did he do to deserve this?

"I know. You're welcome, Son."

Malachi turned his smile to Severus, though he was beginning to look weaker, the exertion clearly too much for him, still.

"Merry Christmas, Severus."

Severus stepped towards him, pulling out a wrapped gift from his robes, surprising both Malachi and Regulus.

"Merry Christmas, Malachi."

Severus held the package out to him.

Malachi looked at the gift with wide eyes, before tentatively reaching out and tugging it from his Godfather's hand.

"Thanks," he said, as he began to almost reverently remove the paper from it.

Regulus smiled gratefully at him, while Severus attempted to avoid his eyes. Malachi pulled the boxed item from the wrapping paper, revealing a toy snitch.

He looked up at Severus with wide eyes, "What is it?"

"It's called a snitch. A toy one, of course. They are used in Quidditch games. Your father will show you how to use it. He used to have to catch them when he was at Hogwarts."

Malachi's eyes brightened as he glanced between the two of them, clearly pleased to have been given a gift that would link him to his father.

"Thank you."

"You are very welcome," Severus tilted his head towards him, accepting his thanks, before glancing at Regulus as Malachi began studying the item more closely.

He spoke quietly, "Andromeda has decided to shut down operations over Christmas. We reopen January 5th."

Under normal circumstances Regulus would have disagreed. Would have insisted they remain open. The Counselling Department at least. Christmas Day was one of the most popular times that clients wanted to come together; to discuss what had happened; to try and accept what had happened in the war.

For the first time, Regulus didn't care.

"Very well. Could you explain it all to Lucius and Narcissa over dinner?"

Severus held his look for a moment before he spoke, "Actually I have cancelled my plans to dine with them this evening."

Regulus was startled at the declaration, "You have? Are you going back to Hogwarts."

"No. Merlin! I have arranged for Kreacher to prepare a Christmas meal and bring it to us here."

Regulus was silent for a moment, overcome by thankfulness and fondness. He felt a smile tug; "You don't have to –"

"I am aware of that."

He went on, half-heartedly, "I don't mind –"

"It is all arranged."

Regulus swallowed before he nodded and spoke quietly, "Thanks, Sev."

Harry was laughing, loudly, with complete happiness and it was as if all of the troubles he had been put through for the past few months had fallen away.

It was moments like this that Lily lived for; that she treasured.

"Mum, make him stop!" Harry gasped out through his laughter, wiggling and grabbing at Sirius' hands frantically as they tickled his waist.

Lily giggled from her spot on the couch next to Remus; "Oh, I'm afraid I can't help you, Sweetheart."

"Mum! Please!"

"I heard you're getting a couple of weeks off work," Remus remarked to her, as Harry's squeals intensified.

"A week and a half," she clarified, "They didn't give us a reason."

"I'm sure Harry's happy about that," Remus said, as he glanced in the boy's direction, "Good timing, what with him broken off from school."

"Yes, I suppose," she nodded, before she went on; "There's a Learning Centre at the Foundation; sort of a school for wizarding children. I was thinking about maybe sending Harry there."

"Really? I thought you wanted him to go to muggle school?"

"Well, I do...But Dumbledore made some good points when I spoke with him; he said it may be beneficial for him to begin learning magic earlier and to spend some time with other wizarding children."

"When did you speak with Dumbledore?"

"Last week. He asked me to Hogwarts."

"Just for that? To talk about Harry?"

"Sirius thought it was strange also," she stated, before she went on; "What do you think?"

"Well...I suppose it's up to you, isn't it?"

She marvelled at Remus' ability to be completely without advice when she asked for it, compared to his frequent suggestions whenever his help and opinions are unwanted. However, not wanting to shatter the comfortable atmosphere they currently had going on, she didn't remark on that. Instead she just shrugged;

"I suppose there's time to think about it. I'll ask Harry how he feels."

"You know he would rather go to a place where he can learn magic."

"Well; he won't be able to actually practice magic and he has some friends at school that he may not want to leave."

"Does Ron attend the Learning Centre?"

"Ron Weasley? Do you really think Molly and Arthur would send their son to a place where Lucius Malfoy is a shareholder?"

Remus grinned, "Well, I wouldn't have thought you would want to either. Or Dumbledore, for that matter."

"Well, it's part of the building I work in. I've seen what goes on there; it looks like it could be good for him."

She smiled as Harry suddenly threw himself at her, seeking refuge from Sirius; his face red and tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks; "Mum, help me!"

She laughed, wrapping her arms around him, while he peeked over one of them at Sirius who was grinning wickedly from the floor. He stood and the three of them chuckled as Harry cautiously moved in closer to Lily.

"Well, it's almost twelve. I better get over to Andie's."

Harry shot upright with a frown; "I thought you were staying here for Christmas?"

"I am," Sirius said with a reassuring smile and reached over to ruffle his hair; "But I have to make the rounds, don't I? I've got Dora's present here," he added, lifting the only wrapped present left from under the tree. He gave Harry a one armed hug on his way to the door; "I expect fantastic deserts when I get back."

Harry looked at Lily with a bright smile, suddenly reminded of their usual Christmas ritual; "Are we gonna bake?"

She smiled; "We are."

He gave her a wide, excited smile, before jumped down from her lap; "Are you helping us, Uncle Remus?"

"I am making the rest of the food," Remus stated, indicating in the direction of the over where the turkey was already cooking.

Harry grinned, grabbing each of their hands and pulling until they be stood up; "Let's go! Bye Uncle Sirius!"

"Pumpkin pie, pecan tarts and cherry pie. No mincemeat pies this year; your favourite, I know, but Harry really doesn't like them. It's funny; he's become a lot more assertive about his own likes and dislikes this year. I imagine he's going to be a very difficult teenager."

James stared at her.

"It really was lovely today. Sirius and Remus managed to get along, which was nice to see after everything that's been going on. Don't worry about that, though; it's just silly stuff." Lily hadn't told him about Peter Pettigrew; about Harry's confusion; or about Remus kissing her.

She told him less now. She even visited less. She only spoke about silly things. Insignificant things. Things that had happened that day, simply a recount of the events; as if she were a seven year old girl keeping a diary.

6am: Woken up by Harry.
6.03am: Watched Harry opening presents.
6.30am: Opened own presents.
9am: Julia visited.
Noon: Started baking with Harry. Sirius went to visit his family.
2pm: Sirius came home.
5pm: Dinner.
6pm: Sang Christmas carols.
7pm: Went to visit James. Alone.

Both Sirius and Remus had visited, separately, in the morning.

Had she covered it all? She had. And she had only been there ten minutes.

St Mungos had Christmas music drifting down the halls; the happiest songs.

And there were Carollers going around between the wards; as well as volunteers making rounds with little wrapped gifts; boxes of sweets and Christmas books. Decorations were out wherever decorations could possibly be and the staff appeared to be doing their best to put on a happy face and an upbeat attitude, despite the fact that most of them probably wanted to be at home with their own families.

That would be her, one day; once she had completed her training.

Lily glanced at James and wondered if he had noticed the person who hadn't visited that day: Harry.

She and Sirius had both offered to take him but he had refused. He hadn't given a reason and neither of them wanted to push for one after what had happened the last time he had come.

But the message was clear to them both; he wanted nothing to do with James. They could tell him that James was his father all they wanted; he wouldn't accept it and he didn't want it. He wanted normality; a dad to play with and to come home to.

It wasn't fair what he had to live without. And yet there was nothing she could do to make it better. Even the promise that his father could return, that she was doing all should could to make that happen, wasn't enough to console him. He wanted a dad, but he didn't want his dad; so where was the answer?

The idea of Sirius or Remus, whom Harry had set his hopes on, was unthinkable to her. And while Harry's devotion towards his father was non-existent, hers was still there.

But it was diminishing, despite her best efforts. She was trying to hold onto it; to hope.

And then she remembered what everyone had been telling her; that she had to let go. That she had to move on.

And in the past she couldn't; something within her was holding on, something she couldn't control. Something wouldn't let her let go. It just wasn't possible for her to do; to imagine a life without her husband by her side.

But now something had changed.

Now, she realised, that it was no longer that she couldn't; it was that she didn't want to.

It was something she had gradually come to realise as Harry's pain become more apparent to her. As her pain had become more apparent to him. That, deep down inside, if she wanted to, if she let herself; she just might be able to let go.

But the thought wasn't comforting; it was heartbreaking and she was wracked with guilt just thinking about it.

She could let go; she could move on. She could walk away and leave her husband lying here and forget about everything that they had suffered and she could be happy.

But could she live with herself if she were to abandon him?

Could she ever forgive herself for walking away?

Malachi had been drifting in and out of sleep, weak and exhausted, for the duration of the day which Severus noticed made it easier for Regulus to conceal the truth about Evelyn's death from him.

The boy asked frequently, each time he woke, if his mother was there yet. It was Christmas; the boy knew well enough that she wouldn't allow the day to go by without making an appearance. Not when he was sick in hospital and not if she could help it.

Malachi had only just turned five; but he was observant. And Severus was certain he had noticed Regulus' pain as they had sat eating the dinner their house elves had delivered to them. But Malachi didn't feel comfortable enough with Regulus to ask him why he was distressed; that was something that could prove to be a problem in the upcoming weeks.

Only two people that Severus had ever cared about had died. His mother and his father. And the latter was questionable in the caring department. He was affected by his death, of course; but it didn't come close to the grief he felt when he lost his mother. But he had known when both of them were dying; both were due to illness, so there was time for goodbyes.

With Evelyn there were no goodbyes. There was just love. And passion. And a promise for the future.

At least, that's what Severus gathered from what he knew of her and Regulus' relationship. He imagined the only time he had come close to feeling the grief his friend was currently going through was long ago, during the war, when he spent every day fearing for Lily's life.

But she had survived; and fear and grief weren't the same. The idea of someone dying was nothing compared to the reality of it. Of realising they were gone and that you had to keep going.

It wasn't something he ever wanted to experience.

So he really had no idea what he ought to say or do for Regulus to ease his pain and he dreaded facing the boy once he learned that the only person he truly felt close to, his mother, was gone. He couldn't relate to that; he was twenty two years old when his mother died, a grown man; not a child.

And he had had people when it had happened to him; he had had friends. As far as he knew, Malachi was home schooled. So he really did only have his mother; and a broken relationship with a troubled father who really had no idea how to deal with him and who had to go through the pain right along with him.

Severus stepped out of the room; wishing to escape the morbidity of his thoughts.

Music was playing; happy, joyful music; it was incredibly inappropriate. What good do such cheerful tunes do at a time like this, really? But serve as a reminder of the complete lack of joy one must be experiencing when they find themselves spending Christmas Day visiting or, worse, actually lying in a hospital bed. Who would want such a wretched attempt at brainwashing to try and convince oneself that they were actually happy?

Severus stepped out of the hallway and into the courtyard, eager to escape the false merriment of the building. The area was well populated with patients and those who were visiting but he noticed there was still a bench vacant nearby and made himself as comfortable as he could on the cold, hard surface.

It was utterly freezing. Heavy snow had fallen the night before and piles of it were stacked in corners of the courtyard that had been scraped off of the pathways. Children were jumping around in the piles, throwing balls of snow at one another, laughing.

Severus sighed when he noticed a collection of carollers emerge from the building, little books clutched in their hands, as they took up a spot in the middle of the area.

"Dashing through the snow..."

Of all the possible choices! Severus rolled his eyes and stood, preparing to return back indoors. He turned, walking with more force than necessary and found himself run into someone who was making their way down the path. He quickly reached out a hand to steady the person he had bumped into; "Excuse me –" He stopped, staring in surprise at the woman before him; "Lily."

Her eyes were also wide with surprise but after a moment she smiled, and adjusted herself; "Hi. You're in a hurry."

Severus shook his head; "No. No, not really." He glanced at the carollers, who were continuing to bellow out Jingle Bells, while the children in the area had eagerly began singing along. He looked back at Lily before he indicated the bench. She smiled and nodded and the two took a seat where he had just vacated.

"Merry Christmas," she said after a moment.

He was silent a moment.

"Merry Christmas, indeed."

The two of them were silent again; though it was comfortable and he found her presence soothing after the events of the past few days.

"I was just..." Lily hesitated, as she glanced in the direction of the building, beginning to state her reasons for visiting and then obviously deciding an explanation wasn't needed. It wasn't. He knew well enough she would come to visit her husband on Christmas Day.

"The Foundation has closed down over the holidays," she said instead.

Severus nodded; "It has."

"Do you know why?"

Severus was quiet for a moment, wondering if Regulus would mind further elaboration. He glanced at her; noticed concern in her eyes and he wondered if his own feelings, his own distress, was so apparent. The softness in her expression, the obvious care in her eyes made him weaker and he allowed himself to confide in her.

"Regulus Black's lover was murdered last weekend."

Any relaxedness about her expression was gone and she looked at him, shocked; "Oh. Oh my God. I'm so sorry."

Severus lowered his eyes, feeling an unusual wave of sadness and blamed his over-emotional response on her proximity. What was it about her that brought out this side of him?

"I...are you okay? Were you friends?"

"Yes. We were. You met her at the party; Evelyn Redway."

Lily's expression dropped further, as putting a face to the victim obviously made the situation all the more real; "She had a son."

Severus nodded; "Malachi. He was attacked, also."

Lily looked horrified.

"He is recovering," he went on, unable to stop now that he had started; "We learned last night that he would survive," he glanced in the direction of the building, where the boy and his friend were currently; "He is Regulus' son. My Godson."

"Severus, that's awful," she whispered.

"Yes. Yes; it is."

He was looking at the ground and he could see Lily looking at him, having turned herself around so she was facing him fully, though she seemed unsure as what to do or say. He noticed her hand reach out, press against his arm. And, a moment later, she seemed to realise there was nothing she could say to make the situation any more bearable. Instead, he felt her hand, which was impossibly warm in this freezing weather, slip into his, squeezing it gently.

Severus drew in a trembling breath and then squeezed hers back.

Lily had been sad when she had returned from the hospital; more so than usual when she visited James and Sirius found himself unable to tell her what he had been rehearsing all week.

It was Christmas. He had been determined to stay for Christmas. To be there for Harry and for Dora. But now Christmas was over; it was after midnight. Boxing Day hardly counted and the children couldn't really appreciate the meaning of New Year, anyway.

He had waited too long.

What was he doing, anyway?

Sitting around, playing games, joking around, pretending like everything was okay. It wasn't okay. Nothing was okay.

James was gone. There was no hope of him ever returning.

And Lily was struggling; and it was becoming more and more unbearable to see her wasting her life away; wasting her time; hoping for something that would never happen. And the look in her eyes; that little bit of devastation he created every time he said it to her was becoming too much now.

And Remus was slipping away. No, not slipping; he was gone. At least to him. Sirius had lost him. It was no surprise, really; their relationship had been strained for years, yes. But he had never really looked at it as gone; just something that was broken, which time would repair. But that wasn't happening. It was becoming worse. And the look in Remus' eyes when he had confronted him about Lily the previous week had made him see it.

Remus was lost. Not just to him, but to himself.

And then there was a little boy. Harry. He was confused, distressed. He had lost any connection he may have ever had with James. The little boy had been robbed of his father.

All of this; it was the remains of the destruction caused by one Peter Pettigrew.

And right now, at this moment, Peter Pettigrew was running free. Had escaped paying the price for it all; was out there, somewhere, laughing at them all.

He couldn't pretend anymore.

He couldn't sit back and let things be. Not like this.

Peter Pettigrew would pay for what he had done to them; and Azkaban didn't even come close to an appropriate punishment for it.

Sirius scribbled a quick note to Lily, tucking it beneath the tea pot he knew she would use in the morning. The record player was still playing lightly as he shrugged himself into his cloak; as he stepped out the door, into the cold darkness of the night.