Chapter Twenty Three

"You sent him away, didn't you?"

It had been six weeks since Sirius had left and since then there hadn't been even a whisper of his whereabouts. Harry had been growing increasingly anxious as time went on and by now even Lily was becoming apprehensive; was there a reason he hadn't contacted them? Was it possible that, for some reason, he couldn't contact them? Perhaps he was hurt; or worse...

"No, Harry. I told you, your Uncle Sirius –"

"You said he was away helping his family! You were lying! There's nothing wrong with his family, Malachi told me!"

"Sweetheart, Malachi is a little boy," Lily explained, her lie too far gone now for her to take it back; "He wouldn't know if there were problems with the Blacks."

"We're not babies, Mum! You're lying to me!"

Lily released an agitated sigh at the accusation; the accusation that was entirely true. But what could she possibly say to him now? That she had no idea where Sirius was? That he may have been injured? May be missing? May never come back?

"Your Uncle Sirius will come back when he can."

Harry was glaring at her, a darkness in his eyes she had never seen; and then he swung an arm sending his breakfast bowl across the room. She jumped as the bowl smashed against the counter, sending milk, cereal and ceramic flying in all directions.

"Harry!"

He put his hands on the table, shoving his chair back, and made to storm from the room. Lily was on her feet instantly, a hand reaching out to grab him by the arm, stopping his escape;

"Just what do you think you are doing?" She was in his face now and he was glaring back at her with a defiance that James had never looked at her with; but it was still familiar and it took her a second the recognise that it was the same look Sirius would often give when they were arguing.

"You sent him away! I know you did! I heard you, remember; you told him you didn't want to live here anymore and that you wanted to take me away. And now he's had to go! It's not fair! I told you I don't want my dad; I want Uncle Sirius! And now he's gone; just like him! This is your fault!"

"Don't you forget who you're talking to, young man," Lily snapped, feeling herself tense up at the disrespect by which he was addressing her and James'; "That is your father you're talking about."

"I don't care! I don't care about him! You made Uncle Sirius go away because all you ever think about is my dad! And now he's angry! He's angry because that's all you care about! You don't care about anything else!"

"Stop it, Harry; that's not true!"

"It is! It is true!" He shoved against her but she kept a tight hold of his arm; "I don't wanna live with you! I wanna live with Uncle Sirius!"

"Well, Harry, that's just too bad," she stated, firmly, at a loss at how to reason with him, having never experienced anything like this from him before; "I'm your mother; you stay with me."

"You're such a bad mum!" he declared, making her heart drop; "You don't even love me!"

"Harry," she whispered, shaking her head, the hand holding him relaxing and the other coming up to take his other arm; "Harry, that's not true. I love you so much; so much. You're my whole life, Harry."

Tears were slipping down his cheeks but he was still regarding her with the same defiance as he vehemently shook his head; "No! My dad's your whole life. I've heard what Uncle Sirius and Uncle Remus say; that all you want is to get him back. That everything you do is all about him."

"For you, Sweetheart; for us –"

"But I don't want him back! I told you already! You never listen to me!"

Lily was rendered speechless at her son's outburst; could only stare into the eyes of the hurt, broken boy before her, as a feeling of nausea built up within her and her heart pounded in her chest. She wondered how on Earth she had managed to let things get this far; so far, without her even realising it.

"Harry –"

"I hate you," he whispered, staring straight at her. And there was such sincerity in his eyes as he said it that it took her breath away and her hands fell from his arms. She felt her own tears building up and Harry's hard expression dropped. He took a step towards her;

"Mum –"

"Go to your room."

"I've got school –"

"I said go to your room!"

He jumped back at the volume of her order; stared at her a moment longer, before his expression finally crumbled and he turned and ran from the room, as she sank to the floor.

"I made my mum cry," Harry said, quietly. His stomach felt funny; tight; and he felt sick remembering it. Malachi looked at him but didn't say anything.

"I told her I hated her," Harry explained further, leaning back on the beanbag they were sitting on.

Malachi looked thoughtful, before he stated; "That was a really nasty thing to say."

"I do sometimes, though," Harry revealed, feeling guiltier as he said it; "She doesn't understand. She's not like Uncle Sirius and Uncle Remus. She doesn't listen like they do; she just always thinks she's right."

"She's your mum. Mums are always right."

"No they're not."

"They're more right than dads are," Malachi said, quietly; and Harry remembered that Malachi's dad was a really bad dad too, even though Malachi would never admit it.

Malachi went on; "You shouldn't have told her you hated her. Even if you think you do."

"Why?"

He shrugged; "Because she loves you. And you love her too."

"How do you know?"

"Because sometimes I thought I hated my mum too. And now she's dead."

Harry felt a sudden pang of panic, wondering if in some way him saying he hated his mum meant that something would happen to her now; now she might die. He suddenly felt even more like he wanted to be sick.

"I don't want my mum to die," he whispered.

"See. That's how you know."

Harry looked at Malachi with a frown; "How? There's loads of people I don't want to die. I don't want Mrs Gillan to die," he stated, glancing in the direction of the first teacher he saw.

"Yeah, but you get upset when you think about your mum dying."

"I don't wanna talk about my mum dying. Stop saying that."

"Sorry." Malachi shrugged.

Even though they had stopped talking about it, he couldn't stop thinking about it. What if his mum did die? Malachi's mum died. And she was younger than his mum. And Malachi loved her; he didn't want to go and live with his dad. Harry felt his breath coming quicker, a lump in his throat, as he panicked at the idea; he would miss his mum so much if she died.

"Don't cry, Harry," Malachi said, quietly.

Harry quickly rubbed his arm against his eyes, wiping the tears away; "I'm not." He felt embarrassed now; embarrassed and sad.

He looked over at Malachi, who was looking through the book in his lap. Harry watched him for a minute; Malachi's mum had died. It was so horrible to think about. And Malachi had been really sad when he first told him about it; but he talked about his mum now without getting as upset as before.

"Do you miss your mum?"

Malachi nodded, not looking up from the book.

"I'm sorry she died."

"Why? You didn't know her."

Harry was quiet a moment, not really sure why he was sorry, before he shrugged; "I'm sorry that it made you sad."

Malachi looked at him, his eyes were sad, but he still smiled. He smiled a lot, Harry noticed. Even when he wasn't really happy; "Thanks."

"Why did you say you hated her?" Malachi went on.

"She won't tell me where Uncle Sirius is."

"My dad doesn't know either."

Harry looked at him, eagerly; "Did you ask him?"

Malachi nodded; "Yeah. But he doesn't know. He said he never knows anything about him, because they don't talk."

"That's funny. If I had a brother, I'd want to talk to him all the time."

"Me too. Or a sister."

"Girls are gross," Harry declared.

Malachi frowned, looking at him curiously, as if Harry knew everything; "Why? What do they do?"

Harry shrugged; "Nothing. I just heard the older boys say it."

"I heard older boys say they're good."

"Good? Good at what?"

Malachi shrugged; "I dunno. But aren't men happier when they're married?"

Harry thought on that a minute before he frowned; "I don't know anyone that's married. Except Mr Weasley."

"Who's that?"

"Ron's dad."

"My Uncle Lucius is married. He's scary."

"How?"

"Just is."

"Oh. Well, I know that most kids' parents are married. They're supposed to be. If my mum was married she'd be happier. And she wouldn't have to work anymore."

"Isn't your mum married to your dad?" Malachi asked, curiously.

"No. My dad's gone." He'd told him this before.

"But before," Malachi elaborated and Harry shrugged;

"I guess. But I don't remember it. I was a baby."

"My mum didn't get married."

"Not to your dad?"

Malachi shook his head; "No. My dad was too busy."

"How can you be too busy? It's only one day."

"What is?"

"Getting married."

"No. It's forever," Malachi said, insistently, with a frown; this time deciding that he was right.

"I meant the wedding part, not being married."

"Oh."

"I want my mum to marry Uncle Sirius," Harry stated. Malachi snickered and Harry gave him an affronted frown; "What?"

"It's not up to you. Besides, I don't think your mum likes him."

"What? How would you know?"

"Because you keep telling her that you love him more than her. And you keep tell telling her you love him more than your dad; and she still loves your dad."

"It's stupid!" Harry declared, ceasing the opportunity to comment on the last statement; "My dad is, like, dead."

"How come your dad being dead doesn't make you sad?" Malachi lay back on the beanbag, pushing his book aside.

Harry shrugged; "Dunno. I don't remember him."

"Well, your mum does."

Harry shook his head; remembering that she had kissed Remus a little while ago; "Even if she doesn't like Uncle Sirius it doesn't matter. She could marry Uncle Remus instead."

"Maybe your mum can marry my dad and make him happier," Malachi joked. But Harry didn't think it was funny. It was brilliant! If his mum married Malachi's dad then they would be brothers; and then his mum really wouldn't have to work because Malachi's dad was rich and he worked all the time.

But that wouldn't make Malachi happy, probably. Because he wanted his dad home more, the same as he wanted his mum home more.

"It would be good if they did," Harry said, instead; "Then we could be brothers."

Malachi looked at him, still joking around when he said; "We could pretend to be brothers. We're already like cousins now."

"Yeah!" Harry grinned, remembering how his Uncle Sirius connected them. And then he remembered what Malachi said; that Uncle Sirius and Malachi's dad didn't like each other. So maybe they wouldn't be allowed to see him if that happened. And he didn't want him to have to go away. If he ever came back.

"Yeah. We could just pretend," Harry agreed, instead, smiling at him.

Malachi smiled back at him; and this time Harry could tell it was real.

Severus almost didn't notice Lily's agitation, his own mind elsewhere as they ate. The Dark Mark had returned; it seemed as if it was becoming darker, more prominent, with each passing day. Time was running out. And Dumbledore and Regulus weren't getting any further in their mission to find the horcruxes. He had offered his help; however they had both quickly rebuffed his offer, Dumbledore particularly furious that Regulus had informed Severus what they were planning.

Instead, Dumbledore had insisted that Severus continue to focus on Project Orion; with their quest to find the missing horcruxes failing, they needed to be prepared for 'all eventualities'.

In order words; they needed to be prepared for the immortal Dark Lord's return.

Even Lily's presence was doing little to quell his anxiety. It was happening. It was really happening.

And he was terrified.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked, regarding him with concern.

He nodded; "Yes. I am fine."

"You haven't eaten anything."

Severus glanced down at his plate, which remained full but looked a mess, as he had been shoving the food around disinterestedly with his fork since it had arrived. He cleared his throat, lowering his cutlery; "I am not very hungry."

He wasn't really. He was rarely hungry at lunch time. But Lily was no longer available to meet in the evenings due to having to collect her son from the Phoenix Centre after work and he hadn't wanted to turn down the opportunity to keep their regular meetings. So he had willingly agreed when Lily had suggested they begin meeting at lunch time rather than for dinner.

He glanced at Lily's plate, which also looked untouched, save for a few bites of meat. Going by her logic, he assumed something was on her mind also; "Are you alright?"

Lily raised her eyes to his and he could clearly see that she wasn't; that something was weighing heavily on her mind. But she glanced back down and shook her head; "Yes. I'm fine, too."

What pitiful liars we both are, he thought to himself, lifting his water for a drink.

He supposed it had something to do with Black. Malachi had been pestering Regulus on behalf of Harry Potter all week regarding him.

"No word from Black, I presume?"

Lily sighed, looking relieved he had brought it up; "No. Nothing. Harry is becoming very frustrated."

"Yes. I have heard."

She looked at him sharply; "What do you mean?"

"You son has been attempting to extract information from Regulus regarding him. Obviously he knows nothing about Black's whereabouts."

"Oh," Lily frowned, looking downwards; "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Severus frowned, "What have you got to be sorry for?"

Lily shook her head, closing her eyes; "I don't know. Lots of things, I suppose."

Severus suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable and made an uneasy glance around the room, wondering if anyone was watching them. The interest in the two of them had faded somewhat now; but there were always gossips lurking within these walls. And the last thing he wanted was to instigate a conversation that would result in bringing her to tears, for the whole company to see.

"Regulus' son is growing quite fond of your son. It is only natural they should discuss what is troubling them. And Malachi is becoming increasingly interested in his uncle due to Harry's tales regarding him. It is nothing for you to be concerned or sorry for."

"I lied to him," Lily stated, out of the blue, looking up at him; "I told him that Sirius was helping family. Obviously I had not expected Harry to become friends with someone who is part of that family. He knows, now. But I don't know what to say, now the lie has gone on for so long."

"It was a very small lie," Severus offered; he had had his own experience of lies and this one was miniscule. Insignificant; a pathetic excuse for a lie. But it appeared to mean a great deal to Lily.

"It's Harry's reaction to it that's what's worrying."

"I see." Children did have the tendency to overdramatise the smallest of things.

"Sometimes I look at him and –" She shook her head; "I swear it's Sirius looking back at me, not –" she glanced at him, looking a bit startled, before she quickly went on; "Sometimes it's like he's more Sirius' son than mine."

"Perhaps you should tell him to back off."

Lily shrugged and he wondered if she already had.

"And I hadn't expected him to be gone so long, either," she went on, "I mean, six weeks? It's a long time, right? Without word? He's never been away so long –" She was rambling on about a subject Severus couldn't care less about but he forced himself to maintain his interest, or at least the appearance of it. She had clearly been holding in these feelings for a while. "- I mean, he knows how upset Harry would be. He wouldn't leave it this long...what if he's hurt? That's what I keep thinking – what if he can't get in touch...what if something terrible has happened to him?"

Merlin forbid.

"I'm sure he is fine."

Lily looked at him sharply, as if she was just realising who it was she was talking to, and then pressed her lips together, looking embarrassed and disappointed, before she glanced back down at her food and lifted a piece to her lips. Severus thought she might gag on the item, as she forced it down her throat and reached for her glass of water.

"I can...try and find out more information for you, if you would like?"

Lily looked at him over her glass.

"I have...some connections. People who are also keen to find Peter Pettigrew. I can find out if they have come across Black in their ventures." He didn't know why he was offering it. He was certain Lucius would be suspicious if he started asking about the search for him.

Lily was regarding him with a mixture of curiosity, confusion and gratitude; "Oh...um. Yes. Thank you." She frowned, before going on; "What connections?"

"No one you know," he lied; "Business associates."

"Oh."

She didn't believe him, he could tell. But that was of no consequence, really. He was hardly going to start confessing his past sins in the middle of the Foundation bistro, after all. And, really, he didn't feel that it was necessary at all. Though his mind challenged that conclusion; the Dark Mark was a frequent reminder that time was running out, that soon he would be consorting with Death Eaters once again, if Dumbledore's intentions didn't change, and shouldn't she know what he would have to do? What if she found out some other way?

It would be the end of their friendship for good this time.

But he still held back. He wasn't ready for it yet.

What's to say that the simple confession of it wouldn't break them?

"Something on your mind?" Lily once again enquired as to his troubles.

Yes, Lily. Something is on my mind. The Dark Mark is returning; which means that soon the Dark Lord will return also. Which means that Neville Longbottom, the child I have sworn to protect, will soon be in grave danger. I have a project to rush through before all this happens; I have to freshen up on my occlumency for my future spying missions. And Regulus is currently off preparing for a potential suicide mission with Dumbledore. As well as struggling to live up to his role as a father.

He settled on that one; "Regulus. I am concerned for him."

The Black Brothers; the bane of our existence.

"Oh. Is...is he still not coping?"

"Well, he refused to grieve properly following Evelyn's death. And he is hardly the ideal example of a good father."

Lily looked stricken at the statement and he frowned, wondering how she could possibly find that offensive; "I am concerned that he may do the boy harm if he is unable to fully embrace his role in his life."

"Perhaps you should speak with him."

"Believe me, I have tried."

"Maybe he's doing the best he can," Lily offered.

Severus glanced at her; wondering at the strange fragility of her tone; "I...yes, of course. Obviously I don't think he is being incompetent on purpose. Like I told him; the only way he can improve is through experience."

"Perhaps he feels it's too late."

"It is never too late," Severus countered, firmly. Lily held his look a moment before she turned her attention back to her plate.

"How is Malachi coping?"

"I believe he is enjoying his time at the Phoenix Centre. It is fortunate he and your son have become friends; he had very little social interactions prior to his mother's death."

Lily smiled; "I'm glad Harry is helping him."

Severus nodded; "As am I. The boy is exactly like his father; he does not...allow himself to grieve."

Lily looked thoughtful for a moment, bringing her eyes to his. Then she said; "You should try to speak with Regulus again. If what you're saying is true; in a few years he could wake up and realise he's lost his son."

Severus held her look; her expression, the sadness in her eyes, was telling. He nodded; "I shall. Though it is worth remembering that what is lost can often be found."

A slow smile spread across her lips and she raised an eyebrow; "Poetic."

"Well, I try." Severus stated sardonically, though he reddened and looked down at his plate. He caught a glimpse of her smile widening and felt a smile tug at his own lips, pleased that he had managed to give her a moment of genuine happiness when she was obviously upset. Upset about something more than what she had confessed; he assumed it had something to do with her son.

"Severus?"

"Yes?" He lifted his head to look at her.

"Did I tell you I'm really glad we're friends?"

Severus pretended to think; "Hmm. Hogwarts Express, I think."

A small chuckled escaped her; "Well." Then she shrugged, still smiling.

He was fusing over his plate, not responding, though could feel her watching him, smilingly. He lifted his eyes from the table, glancing at her without lifting his head, as the time between them stretched. He smiled slightly; "A mutual sentiment, Lily."

She held his look, her smile and eyes filled with obvious affection, and he felt himself warm under her eyes. It was happening more; the boyish warmth when their eyes met, the blushing, the butterflies. It was embarrassing; childish; mortifying.

And wonderful.

And, at least for now, he was content to imagine how things could be. Something brighter to take his mind of the darkness that was looming. Even if the idea was foolish and impossible; just the idea was enough to make him a little bit happier.

A little bit hopeful.