Chapter Twenty Four

"Please; it's just for a few days."

Severus turned his darkest scowl on Regulus.

"Regulus, in case you have forgotten I am incredibly busy at the present time; and will continue to be so for the foreseeable future," he almost growled, before adding; "And even if I weren't, what would possibly give you the idea that I would want, or be willing, to take responsibility for your child for such an extended period of time?"

"It's only two or three days," Regulus weakly protested again, "And it's not like I can ask Cissy or Andie; they'd wonder why I was leaving."

"Find someone else."

"Like who?" Regulus snapped; "Who else could take him? Your Lily Potter perhaps?"

"My Lily Potter?" Severus repeated, giving him a cold glare, "You certainly are doing well, attempting to convince me."

"Severus, please; he likes you –"

Severus scoffed and crossed his arms across his chest.

"He respects you. He's not going to do anything to upset you. I just don't want to ship him off to strangers. He's getting into a routine here. And it's not like he'd be any trouble. You won't have to do anything. Just drop him off at the Phoenix and then pick him up on your way home in the evening. Have Kreacher feed him and ensure he's in bed by nine."

"Regulus, I sometimes do not return home until well after nine."

"Well...well, I suppose the occasional slip is fine."

Severus gave an aggravated shake of the head, not at all impressed by this turn of events.

"Is it really necessary that you escort Dumbledore on this mission? Can you not explain to him that you have other, more pressing responsibilities?"

"More pressing that the return of the Dark Lord?" Regulus countered, raising an eyebrow.

Severus sighed, uncrossing his arms, and looking around the room, crossly; "Have you explained to your son that you are leaving?"

"I'm not 'leaving'', it's a work assignment. And no; not yet. I wanted to ensure you were okay with the plan."

"'Okay' is not the word I would use," Severus stated, sitting back down in his chair and lifting his book from the side table; "As long as he is not upset, I will consent. I do not want to have to deal with a child's hysterics because you have abandoned him once again."

"Oh, knock it off, Severus! You know I can't refuse to do this. This is what we've been working towards for five years. I can't just walk away now because -" He cut off, with a frown, unable to find the words to describe the situation. He sighed, "Look, will you do it? I'll owe you."

"That you will," Severus returned, quietly, looking at him over his book; "Do not expect this to be a regular occurrence."

"Thanks," Regulus returned, though didn't sound all that thankful; more annoyed and relieved. And he gave him a nod, before striding for the room, clearly intending to tell his son the news.

Lily stared at the ceiling as she lay in bed that night, sleep not coming easy.

It rarely did these days.

But Harry's words from earlier that morning continued to haunt her.

Just breathing felt difficult, almost impossible, thinking on his words.

Her son was hurting. Worse than that; he was damaged. Did he truly believe the things he had said? That he thought she didn't love him was devastating.

Dad's your whole life.

She squeezed her eyes shut, remembering the accusation.

Was it true?

It was what Sirius and Remus had accused her of for years; the bottom line to almost every argument and, if it wasn't, another argument would always bring it up in some way or another. It was always there. That fact. That accusation. And she had ignored it.

But coming from her son's lips meant so much more.

It meant her six year old son had noticed it.

That he was getting hurt.

And she was losing him. Losing him, if she hadn't already.

Where had she been these past five years?

Five years, during which time he had turned to Sirius and Remus for the comfort that she should have been providing. Instead, she had been focusing on what they had lost; what she had lost. At the expense of everything she had left.

She glanced over as her bedroom door clicked open, quickly reaching for her wand.

A second later, Harry's head popped around the side of the door. He looked wide awake, despite having been sent to bed hours ago.

"You're awake," he whispered.

Lily flicked her wand, making the dim light in the room brighter; "Harry?" She pushed herself into a sitting position, "Are you okay?"

Harry stepped into the room, swinging the door shut behind him, and hurried over, jumping up onto the free side of the bed.

He shimmied towards her, before wrapping his arms around her waist, hugging her tight. She sighed, wrapping her arms around him, and pressed a kiss to his head; her throat tightening as the rest of the tension left her.

"I love you, Mum."

She smiled against his hair, before pulling back, lifting his head to face her with a finger to his chin; "I love you too, Sweetheart. Very much."

He nodded, "I know you do. Mum...I'm sorry. I was really bad."

"Shh," she whispered, pulling him in for another hug; "I'm sorry too."

She stroked his hair, lovingly, before she released him and he pulled back. He grabbed the edge of her duvet and slid his legs beneath the covers, snuggling in next to her.

"Harry?"

He looked up at her.

"Harry, I...there's something I want to explain to you."

"Is it about Uncle Sirius?"

Lily hesitated; she had intended to talk about James. But she supposed she would have to address the issue of Sirius sooner or later. She sighed, brushing his hair back from his forehead; "Harry...the truth is, I don't know where your Uncle Sirius is right now."

Harry was looking at her, contemplatively, before he swallowed, looking down; "Why did he go away?"

Lily paused for a moment, wondering whether or not to tell him. But when Harry looked up at her, expectantly, she made the firm decision not to lie to him. At least this once.

"Something happened, it was a long time ago now. But one of your Uncle Sirius' friends, one of our friends...he did something really bad. Something that made your dad get hurt."

Harry turned more fully, looking at her with curious eyes.

"His name was Peter. He went to prison for what he did; but he got out. You Uncle Sirius is trying to find him to send him back."

Harry tilted his head to the side, thinking on the information for a moment. He looked at her, curiously; "How come you didn't go with him?"

Lily frowned; "Why would I go with him?"

"Because he hurt my dad."

Lily swallowed, suddenly feeling uneasy at the connection Harry had made. His accusation from earlier that morning, about her always being concerned with James, came back to her; haunted her. She shook her head, pushing the thought away; "Because some things are more important."

"Like what?"

"Like you."

Harry smiled brightly at the statement. Then he frowned.

"But...Uncle Sirius thinks it's important."

"Yes. Your Uncle Sirius was very hurt by what he did."

"Like how Uncle Remus was upset because of what Uncle Sirius did to him?"

Lily looked at him in surprise; "What do you mean?"

"Uncle Sirius believed all the bad things about Uncle Remus. People were saying horrible things, and Uncle Sirius believed them, even though he was his friend."

"Who told you that?"

"Uncle Sirius."

Lily raised both eyebrows; "Really?" She was surprised. And also impressed; Sirius was obviously acknowledging the effect that their decision had had on Remus. "Well, yes. I mean...well, what Peter did was far worse than what your Uncle Sirius did to Uncle Remus. People got hurt because of Peter."

"Like my dad?"

"Like your dad," she nodded; "All of us. What he did hurt everyone."

"Oh." Harry glanced down, looking thoughtful for a moment, before he looked up at her and shrugged; "I hope he finds him then."

Lily didn't share the sentiment; but decided he was too young for her to have to explain why it wouldn't be in anyone's best interests if Sirius did manage to encounter Peter. Instead, she wrapped an arm around him; "Harry. Do you want to talk about what you said earlier?"

Harry paled slightly, glancing down with obvious shame; "I dunno."

"It's okay, Sweetheart. You can tell me anything you want."

Harry looked at her, hesitantly.

She smiled, reassuringly; "Really. Anything you want; I'll listen."

"You won't get upset?"

"I won't," she promised, then added; "I'll try."

Harry swallowed, his eyes searching her face for a moment. Then he drew in a breath; "What...what do you want me to talk about?"

"How about the things you were saying about your dad? We never really had a proper talk after we took you to see him."

"Yeah we did."

"Well...yes, but we didn't talk about your feelings about it."

Harry nodded slightly, looking down, as if agreeing with what she was saying. But then he looked up at her and shook his head; "I don't wanna talk about that...I...I wanted to talk about you."

Lily swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous, and nodded; "Okay."

"But you have to not say anything until I've finished. You have to just listen. Okay?"

She smiled at the commanding tone he had adopted and nodded; "Okay."

Harry drew in a deep breath and then turned to face her, crossing his legs in front of him. She turned over onto her side, pushing herself up a bit more and giving him another reassuring smile, trying to make him feel comfortable, safe enough to reveal his feelings.

He took another deep breath, before speaking in a strange tone, one he'd obviously picked up from the television, or perhaps a Healer, or even a politician; "Well, Mum, I think you need help."

She felt her lips twitched and forced herself to hold back the amused smile. He was quiet, despite making her take a vow of silence, as if awaiting a response, so she said; "Really? Go on."

"Well...everyone knows that my dad isn't going to come back. But you think he is; even though everyone keeps telling you he's not. And it's making you sad; really sad."

"Harry –"

"You said you'd listen," Harry interrupted her with a frown. She raised a conceding hand and pretended to zip her lips.

"It's making you really sad," he repeated; "And when you're sad, it makes me sad too."

She swallowed, but kept her silence as promised, and instead reached over to squeeze his arm. He smiled at the action; "I think you'd be really happy if you got married again."

Lily bit her lip, holding back a protest.

"Love is really important. We've been learning that at school for Valentine's Day. You need love!"

Lily pressed her fingers to her lips, desperately holding back a chuckle at the declaration.

"And Uncle Sirius, or Uncle Remus, is the one to give it to you!"

"Harry," Lily interrupted, unable to help herself; "Please. Let's keep this to talking about your feelings."

Harry frowned; "These are my feelings. You need a husband."

Goodness, what century's values had Sirius and Remus been instilling in her son's mind while she hadn't been looking; "Sweetheart, not all women need husbands."

"Everyone needs love," he stated firmly, and she remembered seeing as much written across the chalk board in the Phoenix Centre that evening when she had collected him. She dipped her head, smiling widely at the direction the conversation had taken. She pushed herself up, so she was sitting with her back against the headboard, and wrapped her arm around him.

"Are these your only feelings? You said you've been feeling sad."

Harry nodded; "Uh huh. I hear you crying sometimes. It makes me want to cry too."

Lily squeezed her eyes shut, feeling a wave of shame wash over her; "I'm sorry you heard that, Sweetheart."

"It's okay. Sometimes I cry when I'm sad. When you stop being sad, you'll stop."

She rubbed his arm.

"You work so much too."

Lily leaned to the side to see his face. He raised uncertain eyes to hers; "I miss you when you're not home."

"I miss you too, Sweetheart. It's normal to miss someone; it's okay."

"I hate missing people," he stated, "I miss you. And I miss Uncle Sirius. And I haven't seen Uncle Remus for ages since I started at the Phoenix Centre –"

"Would you like me to try and arrange a day with Uncle Remus?"

"Uh huh," he nodded eagerly, but the suggestion didn't hold his attention long; "Mum, do you miss my dad all the time?"

Lily nodded.

"Malachi misses his mum. She died."

"I know, I heard."

"It's okay to miss people when they're gone. But it's okay to be happy sometimes, you know. You can't be sad all the time."

"Harry, I am happy," she assured him, "I have you. How could I not be happy?"

Harry rolled his eyes, dramatically; "Then why aren't you? You can't just say 'I'm happy' and then magically be happy, you have to be happy."

Lily smiled, tempted to reminded him that you cannot just command happiness, the same as you couldn't command love; but that would only counteract her own assertions.

"Mum...you're making me really sad," he whispered.

"Oh, Sweetheart, I'm sorry," she choked out, any amusement she was finding in the situation gone. She pulled him into a tight hug, pressing her lips to his temple; "I don't want you to be sad either."

"I know you don't. But I can't help it sometimes," he explained.

She drew back, looking at him lovingly; "I know. Sometimes people can't help being sad; I get sad sometimes, just like you said. But I'm not always sad. You're happy sometimes too, aren't you?"

Harry nodded.

"Well, that's the same for me. Sometimes I get sad; but, most of the time, I'm happy. Very happy."

"Not very happy," Harry pursed his lips together, looking at her doubtfully.

She grinned; "I get very happy when I see you happy; that cheeky smile of yours. And I get very happy when I see you baking in the kitchen or when I see you flying and when you come home from school and tell me all the new things you've learned."

"Don't you have any men that make you happy?"

"What?" Lily blinked, stunned at the question.

Harry shrugged, innocently, not seeing anything wrong or inappropriate about the question; "Well, everything you said was only about me."

"I'm...happy when I see your Uncles, yes. But –"

"No," Harry interrupted her, "I mean men. There's tons where you work."

"Harry," Lily blushed, both amused and flustered by the implication; "There are no...there are no men."

As if her own subconscious was laughing at her, Severus came to mind, and she felt herself grow hot and even more flustered, as if the time she had spent with him was some secret that must be concealed from her son. She frowned at her thoughts, pushing away the image of her old friend.

"There's tons!" he repeated.

"Yes, I know. The answer to your question is no. Not the way you mean, anyway. Your father –"

"No, no, no!" Harry threw up his hands in another dramatic demonstration, shaking his head; "See! You keep thinking about my dad all the time!"

Lily sighed; "Harry, I think I know where you're going with this. And, I'm sorry, but...but no, there is no other man. No potential husbands in the wings," she added, holding back a smirk.

Harry sighed; "What about Malachi's dad?"

Lily couldn't help it; she burst out laughing. And Harry straightened, affronted; "What? You know him, don't you?"

"Harry," she sighed, fighting her amusement, "I've told you before; you can't just pick from a line up and decide that that person will be your husband. It takes time; it takes...a lot of work. It's not easy, Harry, falling in love."

Harry looked at her pleadingly; "Please, Mum. You can't keep loving my dad. You'll never be happy again."

Lily took her bottom lip between her teeth, nipping it, as she looked into his desperate eyes. Her six year old son, begging her to let go of his dad.

She gave him another squeeze; "Harry, this morning you said that I don't love you."

"I was lying," Harry admitted, "I know you love me."

She smiled, "Good. Don't ever forget, okay?"

He looked at her, nodding slowly; "Okay." He looked down, then back at her; "So...no husband?"

"No. No husband."

"But...even if there's no other man...you can't keep..." he shrugged, because a child didn't know how to express the statement that someone had to let someone they loved go. But she knew what he meant; what he was trying to say.

She nodded; "I understand Harry. I...I'll try, okay?"

Harry smiled, looking pleased and hopeful; "Really?"

She nodded; "Really."

"I love you, Mum," he told her again and she smiled, returning the sentiment.

"Can I sleep here tonight?" Harry uncrossed his legs and shimmied deeper under the covers until the duvet was at his chin. He looked up at her with wide, hopeful eyes.

She smiled, he hadn't made such a request since he was four; "I suppose so," she slid down beneath the covers; "But no hogging the covers. And keep those kicky feet to yourself as well."

"Only if you don't snore."

"I never snore."

Harry snickered; "I hear you snoring as well sometimes, you know," then did a loud, honking impression and she reached out quickly and tickled his side, eliciting a loud laugh from him as he tried to wiggle out of reach.

Lily lifted her wand from the nightstand, flicking it to turn out the dim light; "Goodnight, Sweetheart."

"Night, Mum."

Lily remained awake well into the night, long after Harry fell into a deep slumber. She smiled down at her sleeping son; looking peaceful, almost smiling in his sleep, as if physical proof that the conversation had taken all the weight from his shoulders. And he gets to just be a little boy again. Nothing to be distressed, or upset, or worried about.

That wasn't entirely true. He was still distressed about James. And about Sirius.

But, for now and, hopefully, forever, he doesn't have to worry about her anymore. He can strike a depressed, neglectful mother from his list. From now on, Harry was her top priority. First and foremost.

To do that, she had to do as he had asked. She had to stop behaving in a way that was causing the distress, the upset he was going through.

And, though they had talked, she still continued to feel uneasy and ashamed of what she had been putting her son through for the past five years.

She thought he hadn't noticed; that he was too young to understand.

And yet, here he was, with the exact same concerns as Remus and Sirius. All of them telling her the same thing. That they were worried about her; that her actions were concerning them; that they wanted her to move on; they wanted her to let go.

She smiled slightly, remembering Harry's earlier questions.

His insistence on the importance of love and marriage were amusing, but they came from a pure, innocent place that wasn't entirely untrue.

What was anything worth if you didn't have someone to share it with?

What was life worth if there wasn't love; something to live for?

In the end, it was one of the very few things worth living and dying for.

She knew that.

She knew how important it was. She wouldn't have stayed devoted to James for so long if she didn't.

And it was something her son, at six, seemed to be fully aware of as well. She glanced down her him, smiling, amazed at the boy before her.

He deserved so much more than what she had given him.

And she was struck again by the same thoughts she had had at Christmas.

That she could move on.

She could try again.

She was twenty seven, her birthday the previous weekend passing without fuss and barely even acknowledged. She was still young. It wasn't too late to start over.

And it was what Harry wanted.

The thought had been unbearable – even laughable – not too long ago. But it was becoming more and more possible; more and more like something she should be doing. And she could no longer pretend it wasn't affecting her; that it wasn't damaging her. Because, now, it was damaging her son too.

She had to start over.

She had to start living again. Start living for the present, for the future. And stop hoping for things to be as they were in the past. She had to take those memories, hold them close, but start making new ones.

She had promised Harry that she would.

It was a promise she was going to keep. Starting now.

She was going to have to let go.