Chapter Four: Peeling Back the Skin

{Donnie}

"Raph, lay Mikey down on the table in my lab!"

I rush to my laboratory, slamming through the door with my shoulder and stumbling to the cabinets behind my desk. I drop the robot in the corner by the sink and hurriedly wash the oil and grime from my hands before fumbling around for the first aid kit.

"Leo, grab some towels and buckets from the closet over there!"

Come on, where is it?

Aha! I reach back behind some boxes and labeled canisters and snatch the medical kit just as Leo rushes over with the supplies.

"Water," I order, breathless. "Make sure it's cold." He nods and sets to work filling the buckets in the sink. I turn to the table and swallow as Raph gently lays Mikey's rag-doll form down. Blisters have already formed along the burns, and the injured skin is discolored and splotched red and white.

Leo hands me a clean, damp towel and I set to work sponging down the seared areas. The more I cleanse his wounds, the more relieved I am to find that they appear to be second-degree burns. Considering the situation he was in, we're lucky he isn't already dead.

The minutes tick by as I finish, and I toss the used towel back into the sink and reach for the bandages.

"We should be thankful he jumped into the ocean," I mutter as I begin to cut the dressing into strands.

"Thankful?" Raph scoffs. "He about froze to death!"

"Yes, but the cold helps the burns, and the salt water has disinfected the areas for us." I take Mikey's left hand first, carefully moving each finger away from the other so the burned skin doesn't stick together. "Leo, hold his fingers still while I wrap them."

He does as he's told, and the room falls deathly quiet save for the soft tear of the bandages as I pull them from their place on the table's edge. I gently bind one finger at a time, making sure they aren't too tight so that the wounds can breathe and the blisters won't be disturbed. It's painstakingly slow, and I hate the feeling of Mikey's limp, cold hand against mine. It just reminds me of how close we were to losing him.

"He'll be okay, right?" Raph whispers.

"Well, he's not going to die," I breathe. "But I can't say how well his wounds will heal. He might not be able to fight for a while…" I pause, wincing visibly at the words forming in my mind. "He might not wake up for a while, either."

Raph and Leo look up with wide, pained eyes and exclaim simultaneously. "What?"

I bite my lip as I start to bind the next hand. "The cold water helped, but it's probably the reason he went into shock. The injuries he's sustained and the energy he's lost along the way will take its toll on his body, physically and mentally. He could be out of it for a few days."

Or longer.

But I don't say that part.

Leo holds my gaze, anxious and afraid. I try to keep my focus on the bandages as Raph glances back down at Mikey and sighs, burying his face in his palm.

"All this 'cause I couldn't keep my mouth shut," he groans. Leo puts an arm around him.

"Don't worry, Raph," he whispers comfortingly. "It'll be fine. He'll get better soon." He looks to me. "Right, Donnie?"

I take note of the edge in his voice and nod quickly. "We just need to be as careful as we can. If we do this right, he should heal up relatively fine."

"See? He'll be back to his old, obnoxious self in no time."

But Raph doesn't look convinced. In fact, it doesn't look like he's even listening to us anymore. Those green eyes of his are dark and clouded. I let out a deep breath, but it does little to relieve the heaviness in my chest.

Raph always takes things the hardest. Everything he feels, he feels it on a level of intensity much higher than my own—higher than Leo's, too. We have to be gentle so he doesn't just fall apart on us, but I don't know what else to say to him. Mikey's burns will take weeks to heal, and even after, his skin will still be extremely sensitive for a long time. It isn't going to be easy for him to recover. I can't lie to my brothers and tell them that Mikey will be fine in no time, but I can't risk breaking Raph, either.

I sigh to myself. Sometimes knowing just makes everything harder.

I've just finished bandaging the last finger when the door to my lab swings open.

"Sensei!" Leo shouts, standing at attention. Raph and I almost jump out of our skin, and all three of us are fumbling for the words as Sensei marches right for us with a look on his face that we all know too well. He pushes past Leo and Raph and his eyes land on Mikey's prone form. He stops, gasping and instinctively reaching out to touch his youngest son's pale face.

"Michelangelo," he breathes, his voice heavy with pain. His eyes clench shut for a moment before he whirls around to face the three of us.

"What happened?" he demands. "What have you boys done?"

Our responses are jumbled and overlap one another's as we fight to explain ourselves.

"We found him like this—"

"It was an accident—"

"We didn't know—"

But Master Splinter slams his jade staff down to the floor with a resounding CRACK, and we all fall silent.

His fierce gaze shoots to Leo, who automatically flinches beneath the weight of it. "Leonardo, come with me. Now."

Leo's head drops a little in fear and shame, but he follows after Master Splinter without a word. Raph, however, lunges out from behind Leo and grabs his arm protectively.

"But Sensei!" Raph exclaims, placing himself between our brother and Splinter. "It wasn't his fault! None of us knew—"

"Silence, Raphael!" Splinter shouts. "I will speak to Leonardo alone. You stay here and help Donatello heal your brother."

Raph's nostrils flare in protest, fighting the urge to argue with Splinter, but Leo puts a hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay," he says quietly. He glances back and nods to the both of us in reassurance, but it does next to nothing for Raph. He watches them walk off, his fists clenched at his sides in frustration. The door shuts and leaves the two of us alone in the cold, empty silence of the lab.

~T~

{Leo}

The walk from Donnie's lab to Sensei's room feels like an eternity. My hands are shaking, my palms are sweating, and my heart is trying to break from my chest. I can't swallow right and deep breaths do nothing to calm me down. Sensei says nothing, not even after we enter his room and the door shuts quietly behind us. He keeps his back to me in a silence thick enough to taste, and it's all I can do to hold my composure.

The weight of conviction and fear and shame are enough to bring me to my knees. I bow my head until my neck aches from the strain, but I ignore the discomfort and hold myself to the ground, fighting the tremor making its way up my bones.

I've been here many times now. Trembling before Master Splinter, heavy with the consequences of my actions, waiting for him to strike me down with his staff or his words. Sometimes it's been both, but I personally prefer the staff. His words are swifter and sharper than any beating. They ring throughout my head, and unlike bruises, they never fade. But I know that everything he does, I deserve. This is all part of the burden.

"It's my fault, Sensei," I finally manage to say. "I made a mistake and let Mikey wander off on his own during patrol. I didn't believe there was any danger present, or that he would go as far as the docks, but that's no excuse…" I bow my head lower, gritting my teeth at the ache going down my spine. "I will accept whatever punishment you see fit to place upon me, Master."

He doesn't say anything for a moment. The silence is unnerving—I can hear his quiet breath, the rush of my blood, the pounding of my heart, the drop of sweat as it trails down the side of my face and hits the back of my hand.

He lifts his head and speaks with a deep voice. "I think your punishment is lying half-dead in Donatello's laboratory."

I wince as his words drive into my gut like thousands of sharp knives. I take in a quivering breath, but I can't find the strength to say anything else.

"You have led your brothers long enough to find that every decision has a price…and that you will not always be the one paying it."

He still won't look at me, and somehow, that only makes it worse. I stammer for the words and my voice cracks beneath the heaviness in my chest.

"Yes, Master Splinter."

I watch his fingers curl up around his staff—in anger, pain, disappointment—I don't know, but I lower my head further and wait for the blow that doesn't come. Instead, there is only silence. The tension grows and grows and I feel like I'm going to snap—

"Stand up, Leonardo."

I stiffen at the tone in his voice and swallow anxiously. There's a moment of hesitation before I slowly rise on shaking legs and weak knees.

"Tell me, when did the situation fall out of your control?" he asks. But I know it isn't him simply asking a question—this is him reminding me, lecturing me, pressing the lesson into my mind until there's no room for anything else.

I try to hide the trembling from my voice. "When I let my brother go."

He turns to face me, and his eyes are as piercing as any blade, if not more so. I stand straighter and my heart skips rapidly.

"No, Leonardo—it was when you let your brothers make a decision for you. Your inability to trust in yourself as leader allows them to take control." He taps the edge of his staff along the rug, absently following the ancient patterns. "I have seen it happen many times, my son. When you second-guess yourself and show uncertainty, your brothers take advantage of you."

Frustration rears its ugly head to boil with the repressed anger, pain, and insecurities bubbling in my gut. Of course I know this—I deal with it every day. But no matter what I do, it doesn't stop. They'll never see me as their leader.

Heated by his accusations, I make the mistake of speaking out.

"You don't understand, Sensei. It doesn't matter what I do; they never listen to me—"

The staff comes down, loud and jarring, and I snap my mouth shut.

"Then you make them listen!" he shouts. "I have given you authority over them and your missions—use it! Your brothers will never relent as long as they know you can be persuaded so easily. As leader, control is imperative, because once you lose it, you're nothing more than a puppet."

He steps towards me and I refrain from flinching. Our eyes are locked, his like fire, mine like the wet eyes of a child who knows they've done something wrong.

"Control is like energy: it cannot be created or destroyed—only redirected. The second you lose control is the second you hand it over to someone else, and that is all it takes for everything to fall apart."

He puts a firm hand on my shoulder, his eyes boring down into my soul with such intensity that I want to crumble to ash and be blown away.

"Believe me, my son, I understand that there are times when there is nothing you can do—but this was not one of those times. You may have thought nothing of letting Michelangelo run off for a while, but look what that one oversight cost you. Look at what it cost your family."

I lower my head and nod softly. "Yes, Father."

"Mistakes are necessary to learn and grow in your experience, Leonardo." He takes his hand from my shoulder and steps back, still holding my gaze. "But these are not the mistakes you want to learn from."

"I understand, Sensei," I whisper.

"I hope you do," he mutters. "Now go—meditate on this for the rest of the day on your own. Find your control and keep it, my son, or this will not be the last time you bring one of their bodies home."

~T~

{Raph}

"You don't have to stay in here with me," Donnie says suddenly, tearing me from my trance.

I look up. "What?"

He keeps his eyes on the bandages as he winds them across Mikey's leg. "I said you don't have to stay here."

I blink and open my mouth to protest when Donnie shakes his head, his eyes briefly flickering from his work to meet mine.

"I know you're worried about Leo, and there's really no point in you standing there anxiously. It's kind of distracting me anyway."

"I'm not worried," I bite. "I'm angry. He's probably in there telling Sensei it was all his fault and taking the fall for my mistake. Again."

"And that makes you mad?"

I practically shout. "Yes! He always does this! And then he goes off and sulks for forever and it makes me feel like dirt because he took the blame for something I did—"

"Raph," Donnie mutters, glaring at me. "I get that you're annoyed, but you need to keep it down. I'm trying to do something and we don't need to start anything else."

A low growl erupts in the back of my throat and I push out a breath. "Sorry, sorry… I'm just—"

"I know," he whispers. "It makes me mad too. But Leo is capable of making his own decisions, and I think he's learned by now that blaming us never goes well with Splinter."

"But why?" I groan. "Why won't Sensei listen? Why does he let Leo—"

"Raph," Donnie presses. "What did I just say about being quiet?"

"Oh," I say, brow knit. "Sorry. I didn't—"

"It's okay," he says quickly. "Look, I'll let you know when I'm done."

I give a slow nod as it registers in my cloudy brain that he doesn't want me in here. "Okay," I mutter. I turn from him, giving one last glance over my shoulder at Mikey before stepping out from the lab. The door swings shut behind me and my eyes rest on the door to Sensei's room. It's quiet. I wonder if Leo's still in there, or if he's gone into his room. I chew on the inside of my cheek and turn towards the hallway. I go to knock softly on Leo's door, but it's already open. I push to widen the gap and find his room empty and dark, just as I expected.

I close my eyes and sigh. I know where he is.

~T~

{Leo}

It's dark and quiet. I listen to the dripping pipes, to the tiny sounds of water lapping along the edges of the tunnel. I keep my eyes closed and my body still and I sit there in the silence, breathing slowly, steadily.

Control. I need control.

Another deep breath.

Control over myself, over my brothers, over every move we make.

And another.

If I don't have control, someone else does; and if someone does, then I'm not the leader.

I clench my eyes tighter and tighter, fighting off the rising images of Mikey's wounded form. Sensations whirl throughout my being—wild, sharp, reckless. I feel the cold of the ocean, the sting of the burns, the empty hopelessness of drifting at the mercy of the waves. And for a moment, I think I'm imagining Mikey's pain, but I quickly realize this is my own. I'm at the mercy of the waves. Without control, I'm letting myself be tossed around, pushed, pulled, drowned. I can't save myself, I can't save my family—I'm useless.

But there's an underlying emotion. A hollow, empty feeling that carves out my insides and leaves me more spent than the crashing waves.

I feel alone.

A sound snatches my attention, and my eyes snap open. Something moves through the water further down the tunnel. Footsteps, splashes, echoes of breath. I pull myself into a crouching position and slide a katana from its sheath, holding the blade perfectly still over my head as I wait.

But when the figure comes into view, I see that it's Raph. I relax a little and slip my sword back into its sheath.

"What's up?" I ask, slightly confused. I didn't think any of the guys knew of my little hiding place. "Is Mikey okay?"

But Raph doesn't answer me. He just marches right for me with a familiar and dangerous look in his eyes that makes my entire body stiffen.

"Raph, what're you—"

His hand shoots out and grabs me by the back of my shell, and he shoves me into the curved wall of the tunnel with enough force to knock the wind from me.

"Raph!"

"What did you tell Splinter?" he snarls, pinning me to the wet cement.

The pressure of his forearm against my throat increases slightly. I cough, fighting for the words beyond my utter bewilderment. What's his problem?

"Get off of me, Raph!" I croak. He rips me from my place against the wall and throws me into the water. The sound of my shell scraping against the concrete echoes across the sewers and I hit the ground with a grunt. I glare back at him, wiping the dirty water from my face, and I pull myself to my feet.

"What the heck was that for?" I snap.

"You took the blame for it again, didn't you?" he growls. When I don't answer, his lip curls, baring white teeth. "Didn't you, Leo?"

"Well I wasn't going to sit there and point fingers!" I shout. "Besides, what do you care? You never own up to anything anyway—"

His knee connects with my plastron and I fall backwards. Cold water rushes over me, and though it's shallow, it still manages to soak me through. I gasp in fear and frustration and anger, but before I can roll to the side, Raph slams me back down, his eyes burning bright green in the darkness of the sewers. I haven't seen him this mad for a long time.

"Raph!" I snarl, struggling beneath his weight. I twist and arch, but his grip on my wrists is like a vice. We both know he's stronger than me, but the hold he's got me in doesn't help, either. "Raph, get off of me!"

I grunt and manage to slip my leg between the two of us, and with a well-planted kick, I send him sprawling on his shell. I jump to my feet, heart thundering, and brace myself. Raph never stays down for long, and sure enough, he's right back on his feet and charging me. Our bodies collide and a wave of shock runs down through my bones. I grit my teeth and push back at him as the two of us fight for the upper hand.

"Raph, please—" I can feel myself slipping along the wet ground. "Just talk to me!"

He snarls and sweeps my legs from under me. I feel myself fall again, but I reach out and grab him by the arm, pulling him down with me. We both hit the ground with a grunt and the water sprays up around us. I twist onto my side before he can land a blow, but as I try to scramble away from him, he manages to grab my ankle, and he yanks me right back down. My jaw smacks into the curb of the tunnel and my vision flickers. Pain washes down my face, warm and sickening. I groan, momentarily losing my sense of balance, but a moment is all he needs to jump on me and pin me down on my stomach. I try to fight it, but he wrenches both of my arms up behind me, twisting my shoulders uncomfortably. I know there's no way out of this one, and after a moment of growling and squirming, I give up. My breath is ragged and my head is pounding.

"Alright, Raph," I pant. "You…win…"

I can hear him huffing behind me. I don't like that I can't see him and I don't like that I can't move. After all this talk about control, having it ripped out from under me so soon is absolutely maddening.

"You make me…so mad sometimes," he breathes. "Always playing perfect…never doing anything wrong."

A deep growl moves up my throat. "Then what would you call tonight?"

"That was my fault and you know it," he bites. "But I know you went before Splinter and took the blame for the whole thing. You probably didn't even mention that I started the fight, or that Donnie told you to let Mikey go. I bet you just sat there and let Sensei chew you out, just like you always do!"

I grit my teeth. "If there's something you want to say, then say it, Raph."

"It drives me nuts!" he snaps. "You drive me nuts!"

"What did I do?" I ask incredulously. "Why are you always so mad at me?"

"Because!" His elbow smacks into the back of my skull. My breath hitches in alarm and the sudden pain is extremely disarming. "You're weak and strong at the same time and I just don't get it! You never fight back, but you never back down. You're the first to submit and the first to stand your ground. Every mission we've ever been on, you've taken the fall for. You've given up everything, sacrificed everything, knowing you'd get absolutely nothing for it!"

I wriggle beneath him, my irritation festering in my gut along with everything else. I have enough to deal with on my own—I certainly don't need a lecture from Sensei and Raph in the same hour.

But his weight keeps me down, and sensing my attempt to struggle, he jerks back on my arms, sending a shockwave of pain tearing through my muscles. I cry out and clench my jaw in rage.

"Knock it off!" I snarl. "Let me up!"

He leans in on me, increasing the pressure on my skull. I gasp for breath and stop squirming.

"You were ready to die for us when the Technodrome went down. You knew what it would cost you, and still, you fought to protect us. You gave your life up like it was nothing!"

"I did…what I had to do," I grimace at the warm pain seeping down the back of my neck. "You guys would've done the same."

"No, we wouldn't have," he mutters. "Did you see any of us volunteering to get blown up with the Kraang? Have you seen any of us go before Splinter after we've made a mess to tell him it was all our fault? No!"

I don't say anything.

"But it's not even like you're just taking the blame because you're the leader—it's like you're taking it because you honestly think everything's your fault."

"What does that have to do with anything?" I groan, avoiding the accusation. Honestly, he'd just get angrier if I told him that I really did think everything was my fault.

"Sensei always talks about the burden," he says. The tone of his voice has shifted now, and it makes me pause. "Always about how the burden of leadership is heavy, and how it only matters that you carry it. Well you know what, Leo? Every time you take the fall for something one of us did, we feel like the burden. It's like you're always cleaning up after us and keeping track of us, and I'm tired of that. I don't want you to look at us and just see your responsibility, or the weight that's on your shoulders; I want you to look at us and see your brothers."

A sting runs across my nose. "What makes you think I don't see you as my brothers?"

He sighs. "Because everything you do, you do it alone. You don't ask us for help—you don't even expect it. You just go off and train and fight and get the job done without a single complaint. And you never talk to us. We can see the hurt in your eyes but you never say anything. You're always alone…and that's not fair."

Alone. The word rings across my mind, heavy and powerful. Because I know he's right—I never tell them anything. I wander off down here or up in the alleys to be by myself whenever I'm hurting. But the pain I feel isn't one they can understand, so what am I supposed to do?

"I hear you at night, you know," he whispers.

My eyes start to burn. "Let me up, Raph."

But he doesn't. He just keeps talking.

"I hear the nightmares wake you up and I hear you train for hours in your room when you're too afraid to go back to sleep."

His words catch the mass of emotions locked inside and ignite them, exposing all my weakness, my fear, my shame—everything I've tried so hard to bury.

"Leo, why don't you say anything? Why don't you let us help you?"

Not wanting to hear another word, I twist under him with a fresh wave of anger and spit. "Get off of me!"

His grip tightens and I hiss at the sharp sting.

"Why do you try so hard to hide it?" Raph demands. "Honestly, what's the point of family when all you do is keep secrets from us?"

And somehow, some way, may it be through the rush of anger or the sheer terror of having my layers stripped from me, I wrench my body out from underneath his and lash out with a kick so vicious, it knocks him back into the opposite wall.

He cries out and I can hear the splash of his body landing in the water. I jump to my feet, my legs tingling and buzzing as the blood rushes back into them, and I take off running down the tunnel. My vision is blurred and my eyes are stinging with the threat of tears, but I hold it back, because they can never see me like this.

They can't see how weak I really am. They can't see the fractures, the flaws, the little cracks compromising the fortress I have built myself up to be. Because who wants to follow someone like that?

I can hear him chasing after me and I push myself faster, gasping for breath, skidding and slipping and turning down every stray tunnel just to try to lose him. But in the raging torrent of my thoughts, I forget myself, and run into a dead end. Desperate, panting, aching, and cornered, I whirl around to see him standing at my only exit, his bright green eyes piercing through the darkness of the sewers.

"Just leave me alone!" I shout, my voice strained and a little hoarse. He holds my gaze and walks over to where I am, slow and deliberate, but I can tell by his stance that he's done trying to fight me. If I wasn't so upset, I'd be laughing at how the situation has turned on its head—now I'm the one acting crazy.

"I'm done doing that," he says quietly. I back up into the wall as he reaches me, though I don't know whether it's his fists or his words I'm trying to protect myself from.

He stretches out his hand and grabs hold of my forearm. "Now come here, you big baby." I tense up as he pulls me into one of his awkward 'Raph-hugs.' I don't return the gesture, mostly because I don't really like hugging, but I also don't move because I know that he's trying to comfort me the only way he knows how. Though I'm pretty sure he's just doing this because he knows it makes me uncomfortable.

"Look, Leo, we may not be able to understand whatever you're feeling, and I get that. I don't think any of you understand how I feel when I get angry about something. But going through it alone just sucks, and it doesn't need to be that way. You've got your brothers, alright?"

I nod and swallow past the lump growing in my throat. "Yeah."

"So knock off this whole 'Lone Wolf' thing and just be real with us. I get it, there's burden to being leader, and I've seen firsthand how much it sucks. So try sharing it."

I look down and sigh as all the adrenaline and anger dissipates. "I'm…I'm sorry. I'll try to let you in a little more."

He tightens the embrace in satisfaction. "Good."

A few seconds tick by, and I glance around. "Could you, uh, let me go now?"

"Nope," he says simply.

My brow arches. "Why not?"

"Because I know how much you hate hugs."

I groan and slump against him. "I should've kicked you harder."

He laughs and releases me to give my shoulder a sharp knuckle-punch for good measure. "That's what brothers are for."

"Guess so," I retort with a smirk. He grins and turns his back to me to head down the tunnel. I follow behind and give him a well-deserved smack upside the head.

"Hey!" he complains, rubbing the back of his head and glaring. I merely shrug.

"It's what brothers are for, right? Oh, and next time you have something on your chest, try talking to me first instead of trying to knock my brain loose."

He snorts. "Like you've got one to even knock loose!"

"Oh, you're one to talk," I prod.

He makes a sarcastic face and taps his chin thoughtfully. "I'm sorry, who was meditating in a sewer tunnel?"

I shove him aside and chuckle, shaking my head. "Shut up. We've gotta get home; Donnie's probably done fixing Mikey up, and we need to be there for him just in case he wakes up early."

Raph nods, but the change in subject brings a sad look to his eyes. "Yeah… I hope he'll be okay."

I keep my eyes on my feet as we walk, watching the water part as we go. "Donnie says he will be."

He doesn't say anything more to that. Silence envelopes us for what feels like forever, and there's only the sloshing of water around our feet to fill the quiet until we reach the turn that leads back to the lair. Raph stops for a moment and looks at me.

"I'm sorry," he says softly. "For always causing trouble. I don't mean to start anything, I just—"

"Hey," I interrupt. "It's fine. We've all got things to work on, right?"

He exhales and hesitates. "Yeah…"

"How about I start talking to you more, and you start listening. That sound good?"

He smiles and nods. "Yeah, sounds good."

I punch him lightly in the shoulder and grin. "Good. Now let's go see our brother."