Chapter Thirty-Eight

Lucius' warnings had been unfounded.

There was no reason for Severus to be worried.

Whatever his own feelings may be, Lily was still very much Potter's; as much as the thought made him sick to the stomach, it was the truth. And thus, any concern over what Lucius thought, over what their colleagues believed they could see, was a simple waste of energy.

It would be foolish of him to alter his behaviour in any manner, in order to avoid speculation over a situation that would never come to pass in a million years.

That was what Severus had managed to rationalise in his mind, in the days following Lucius' visit.

And yet, despite all rational thought, he did start altering his behaviour in order to try to limit speculation.

It was not only concern over how it would appear to the Dark Lord. He could perhaps even get around such interest from his old Master, if the question of their acquaintance were to come up. He did ask him to spare Lily after all, it was not as if such a connection would come out of the blue. He could easily rationalise the acquaintance should the question ever arise.

After all, one of the skills he had become most accomplished in since turning to Dumbledore those years ago was lying.

It did not matter. Rationalising did not matter. At the bottom of it all, the fact remained the same. He did not want the question of Lily Potter to ever arise in the Dark Lord's mind.

He wanted her completely off his radar.

And, on a more surface level, even if the imminent return of the Dark Lord hadn't been hanging over him, Severus wasn't particularly happy with the spectacle his colleagues had made out of it all. He did not care, before, when they had spoken about him with the others; Dana Wishbone had hardly been discrete about the whole thing, after all.

But this was different. Lily was different. Lily was…

It didn't matter what she was.

She wasn't his, therefore any speculation at all on their part was inappropriate and uncalled for.

Highly unprofessional.

As if he didn't have enough to deal with!

He would put an end to this nonsense once and for all. For the sake of Lily's safety. And his own sanity.

His resolve to limit their time together would be easy for him to carry out.

With the exception of their lunches, which had become sporadic at best, their time together was pretty limited as it was. They would only be in one another's company during particular times when it was necessary to work together for Project Dorado; these times could not be reduced. That was work.

Though, his mind sneered at him, it would probably help if he could keep his hands to himself during those times. He remembered Heart's curious glance at the two of them when he had attempted to offer comfort some weeks before.

The other times they spent together were often unplanned, just when they happened to come across one another. Severus could reduce such circumstances from occurring by simply remaining in his office as much as possible or, even, if he was not needed in the building, by returning to Hogwarts and doing his research for the Foundation there.

The sound of children's voices and running feet overhead was something he could endure. If he must.

Yes, it would have been rather easy, indeed, to limit their time together by just avoiding her completely.

Easy, that is, if Lily's own behaviour had not changed from their previously established patterns.

Severus didn't really know what he had said or done that day on the grass when she had found him, when she had asked him if dark times were coming, if she ought to be afraid and he had told her yes. But something had changed since that encounter.

He couldn't quite explain it. It was just something he felt.

And her behaviour only seemed to back that up.

While Severus was going out of his way to avoid her, Lily seemed to be going out of her way to seek him out.

That was unexpected.

And the result of this odd game of cat-and-mouse was several awkward encounters such as; happening upon one another suddenly in places where he would never expect to see her; awkward, mumbled excuses from him about 'prior engagements'; him noticing her first in the distance and abruptly changing course in order to avoid her.

Severus had hoped that she wouldn't question it; that she wouldn't even notice.

As always, his hopes came up short. For him, hopes were more a jinx. Always the opposite happened, whatever the subject.

Lily clicked onto his behaviour within, oh, one or two weeks.

"Sev!"

Severus almost cringed as she called his name from behind; his nickname. He really wished she wouldn't shout. He glanced around at the faces of those around them, as he looked over his shoulder. Yes, as expected, people had heard and spared their own precious time to make mental notes of the moment.

Paranoia. You're just being paranoid, he told himself.

Lily smiled brightly at him, as she walked up to him, a lightness to her step that seemed to be the norm for her these days; "Hey. I haven't seen you around for a few days."

"Oh…I…have been busy."

She nodded; "I thought that." She reached into her robe, pulling out a rolled up piece of parchment; "I've been working on the ingredient proposals. Just looking into the interactions between certain medications." She shrugged; "I think it's all right but I wondered if you wouldn't mind having a look?"

Severus didn't want to say no. There was a little ache, somewhere inside, that told him he missed her company. He wanted to help, if only to spend a little more time with her. Nonetheless; "Lily, I'm sure it's fine. Heart and Eugene have been impressed so far. I really don't think…"

He broke off, noting the disappointment in her eyes that she tried to conceal as she drew her hand back slightly, holding the parchment closer to her chest. She gave him another smile, though it didn't meet her eyes this time; "Oh. No, of course. I…I know you must be busy."

Severus felt rotten.

Lily gave him a nod, the not-quite-real smile still on her lips and made to pass by him. He should let her go.

"Lily." He reached out, catching her arm with his hand.

Stop touching her!

Severus just couldn't seem to stop whenever he was with her.

He indicated a side door; "I was just about to go to the gardens." Why would he need to go there? No one goes there. "To check on the progress of some herbs. If you're not too busy, we could…"

Lily smiled again, a real one this time, and the ache inside turn into a little swell of something else.

Stop this now.

He couldn't. He glanced over his shoulder as he indicated she should lead and the two of them headed out.

It was a short walk, during which time Severus was edgy, glancing around, barely listening to what Lily was saying. She was talking about the little Potter from the little bits of conversation he could pick up. Birthday parties. Black. Broomsticks.

Finally, in the shelter of the gardens, Severus made a quick glance around the place to ensure his assessment was correct. No one ever came here.

"Are you looking for someone?"

Severus looked back at her sharply; "What?"

She was watching him curiously.

He cleared his throat, feeling caught; "No." He shook his head; "No one in particular."

She raised an unconvinced eyebrow; "Just, anyone at all?"

Silence.

"I can't imagine what you mean."

Lily smiled then, crossing her arms across her chest; "It's almost as if you don't want us to be seen together."

Severus shifted. Lily seemed amused and he felt…uncomfortable.

"Why?" she added.

Severus met her eyes, shaking his head; "Lily, you're being paranoid. Why would I not want to be seen with you?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"I can't, for I have no such concerns."

"Is that why we're hiding in the bushes?"

And the conversation had gone on as such, as he awkwardly attempted to convince her that he couldn't care less if they were seen by anyone and that, really, it was a little late for him to be worried about something like that now.

Much too late.

He had urged her on again, with a hand to her back, while his mind reminded him with a jolt to keep his bloody hands to himself.

He couldn't do that either.

It was unbelievable, how little self-control he seemed to have in her presence. As if he lost all sense of…well, common sense.

That only made it all the more imperative that he control the amount of time they spent together. So he carried on, telling himself that the reason for it was prying eyes. Nosy colleagues. The Dark Lord.

It wasn't anything at all to do with the way she was making him feel.

And he was doing remarkably well, he thought.

Until, that is, the night of the Foundation's July Fundraiser.

Lily had her first taste of alcohol when she was fourteen.

It was Summer, 1974.

Severus had been there. Summer was always their time.

He'd snuck the bottle of Famous Grouse whiskey from his father's cabinet and the two of them had wandered down to their place by the river. He had laughed at the expression on her face when she tried it the first time; the bitter burn of the liquid was more disgusting that she had imagined it would be.

But hearing his laugh had made it seem less grotesque; that was the year, she remembered, when Severus had started to smile a little less and his laughter had been something she rarely heard. His worries seemed to fall away that summer though. And they were just Sev and Lily again.

The two had consumed the half bottle between them, Lily feeling more and more rebellious with every forced gulp. Neither of them really knew they ought to be pacing themselves. And her parents had been none too pleased when she'd returned home. After dawn. For she and Severus had spent the entire night goofing about around the river.

She'd been grounded for a week.

The memory brought a smile to her lips, coming to her as she and Severus made their way out the side door of the Foundation ballroom, down a small flight of stairs and through another door that led out onto the grounds, a bottle of wine held in her hand.

Severus had been acting strangely the past few weeks. Almost as if he was avoiding her. But it didn't take her long to figure out the source of his discomfort; his shiftiness when they were in one another's company, the quick glances around their surroundings, all seemed to die away whenever they were alone.

For some reason he didn't want people to see them together.

He wouldn't tell her why but she guessed he was uncomfortable under the scrutiny of their colleagues. It wasn't surprising, considering how private he had always been. Shy even. What was a little confusing was why it was suddenly bothering him now.

But she decided not to dwell on it.

Lily had come across Severus almost an hour into the function, having not even caught a glimpse of him prior to that, and, almost as soon as she had found him, he'd declared his boredom and his intention to leave. Emboldened by an impulsive wish to stay in his company, Lily had grasped the nearest unopened wine bottle and held it up; "How about a party of our own?"

Severus had looked amused for a second as he regarded her and then she caught the way his eyes darted around the room, his customary check that no one was watching them, before he nodded his agreement and told her to follow him and led her to the house-elf door that they had taken to leave.

"Maze?" Lily suggested, beginning to make her way around the side of the building in that direction, before Severus' hand on her arm stopped her. She glanced up at him, questioningly, and figured she was imagining the tingling of her skin beneath his touch.

He indicated with a nod in the other direction and she stepped out in front of him, going where he'd said, and she felt his hand brush the small of her back as she passed him. She ignored the little shiver down her spine.

She'd been careful for the past little while not to let her imagination run wild, the way it had done when she had come across him in St Mungo's a few months ago, but it was becoming difficult to keep it under control. Especially when he touched her with seeming tenderness; imagined tenderness, her mind laughed at her.

If Julia had not sent her on that awful date, Lily would not have opened that door to having such inappropriate thoughts about all these other men.

Well. This man. She hadn't really thought about anyone else in that context…

Lily pushed the thoughts away, giving her head a quick shake, willing them to leave her in peace.

After a few minutes of walking down a little path, away from the building, through shrubbery and small trees, she found Severus had led her to a little white gazebo.

She looked around with an approving smile as they stepped into it; "Nice." She nodded, turning a teasing glance Severus' way; "Is this where you take all your dates?"

Severus stopped walking and met her eyes at that.

Lily faltered as well, realising what she had said; "I mean…well, I didn't mean…obviously this isn't…"

Severus crossed his arms across his chest, regarding her with undisguised amusement.

Lily shot him a look, willing herself to recover from her flustered explanations, which had only served to embarrass her further. She should have just laughed it off.

Somewhere in her mind, she wondered why she should be so embarrassed, so nervous about the slip of the tongue at all.

A smile tugged at Severus' lips and he shook his head, carrying on further into the gazebo; "No." He reached for the wine bottle, which she handed over; "Like I said a while ago, I don't date."

Lily nodded, finding herself smiling; "Right. Me either."

"Ah. So you've seen no more of – what was his name? I apologise. I forget." He used his wand to pop the cork from the wine.

There was a distinct mocking aspect to his tone.

She rolled her eyes with a smile; "Absolutely not."

A puff of air escaped his lips in what seemed to be a laugh as he held out the bottle to her, offering her the first drink. She took it, taking a long drink from it, before holding it out to him; "And I know you're not being entirely honest with me. I have heard all about Miss Wishbone."

Severus rolled his eyes, taking the bottle as he walked by and went over to lean his back against one of the beams; "Inconsequential. And also the reason I no longer entertain female company." He lifted the bottle to his lips.

"Now Sev," she teased, going to him and reaching for the wine; "You can't let one bad experience put you off forever." She raised an eyebrow as she lifted the bottle to her lips and then felt a little jolt of – what, further embarrassment? Because she realised what she had just done could most definitely be interpreted as flirting.

Severus seemed immune, nonetheless.

"It was not one bad experience, Lily, it was the last in a string of unpleasant experiences."

Now, that was news to her; she didn't know there had been others. But of course there were others, Lily, her mind sneered at her. Did she think he was some sort of monk?

She found herself suddenly incredibly curious and also, to her confusion, jealous of these women whom he had referred to. Even if he had described them as 'unpleasant experiences'.

She took another drink from the bottle before she held it out to him; "Anyone I know?" This time, when he reached for the wine, she kept her own hand around the neck and his hand overlapped with hers.

Severus lifted his eyes from their hands to her face, looking confused, almost uneasy.

After a moment, he shook his head; "No."

She let go, wondering why she had held onto it in the first place.

Severus kept his eyes on her, seeming to study her closely for a moment as he lifted the bottle to his lips. He took a long drink this time. He raised an eyebrow at her when he was done; "I'd ask you about yours but I'm pretty certain I already know more than I care to."

Lily frowned, taking note in the change in his demeanour. She supposed he was offended at her questioning. She took the hint and shrugged; "Well, you were always far more secretive than I was."

Severus cocked an eyebrow at her and then lifted the bottle up, holding it out to her. This time, when she reached for the bottle, he did the same as she had done before; held on longer than necessary, their hands overlapping over the glass.

Lily raised her eyes to his, not surprised to find them still focused on her. But what did surprise her was the intensity in them as he looked back at her; dark and searching, making her silently catch her breath.

She swallowed, feeling hot under his gaze, the air between them charged with something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

Lily stepped back, looking away from him as she did, and he let go of the bottle, allowing her to take it with her. She drew in a breath, avoiding his eyes, before lifting the bottle and taking a drink.

Liquid courage before she met his eyes again.

His gaze had changed, looking more confused than anything else.

She was feeling more than a little confused herself. Time to get back to safer ground. She lifted a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear; "I also heard you spent time in Italy after the war."

He nodded; "Yes."

She furrowed her brow, deliberately; "Yes? That's all?" His lips twitched slightly and she smiled; "Tell me about it."

"What do you want to know?"

"Oh, I don't know. Anything. You know how much I wanted to travel when we were little."

Severus nodded and proceeded to tell her various bits and pieces about his time away; responding to her questions and comments as they both settled back, she against the railings and he against the beam, their conversation turning to something far safer than dating and previous lovers and, most especially, turning her thoughts away from the way Severus had just looked at her and the way it had made her feel.

All the while their conversation punctuated by long drinks of wine.

If Severus thought the way Lily had been acting the past few weeks was odd, it was nothing compared to the way she was behaving now.

He was imagining it. He had to be.

He almost felt as if he was being teased.

He wasn't sure if even Lily was aware of what she was doing. Actually, now that he thought about it, this was always the way Lily had behaved.

When they were young.

He hadn't really had the chance to see it these past few months; both of them had changed so much, both were so different.

Yet, tonight it seemed as if they were exactly the same two people they had been.

And Lily was flirting with him. He caught those glances, those teasing comments, noticed the way she'd touch his arm, his hand, hold his eyes with hers a little longer than they ought to.

Not that it meant anything. She had always been that way.

Thinking it meant anything more than mere playfulness on her part would be wishful thinking on his part. Of course, that was always his role also.

She would flirt and he would dream.

No. His mind reminded himself. It wouldn't be wishful thinking because even if her behaviour did mean something - which it did not – it was not as if anything could be done about it either way.

The wine was making his head fuzzy. And her proximity was making his will weaken.

Already, he had touched her more that he had done before. As if his hands were finding excuses to do so.

Lily didn't seem to mind.

"I did gymnastics when I was at school. Before Hogwarts," Lily was saying, as she attempted to walk along one of the beams. One foot in front of the other, arms held outstretched to keep her balance. Her balance was not very well kept; she wobbled with each step, giggling as she did so. And he was smiling as he watched her. She grabbed at another railing as she stumbled, so she wouldn't fall.

"I used to be able to do this easy." She was still talking and he didn't interrupt, just enjoying the sound of her voice. The darkness. The wine. The peace.

They were still alone; he could enjoy her company when they were alone.

"Concentration. Is everything," she babbled on, with a mock serious voice, as she held out her arms and carried on walking unsteadily around the beam. Around where he stood.

"You're going to break your neck." Severus finally piped up, when her chatter ceased some time later as she grasped again at another beam to keep from falling.

"Wouldn't you catch me?" She grinned, glancing down at him.

"I suppose I would just have to do that." He conceded; "But bear in mind my own reflexes aren't quite as sharp as they normally would be."

"Ah. But I trust you."

Severus could only stare.

Lily paused in her steps, noting his silence, and looked down at him, meeting his eyes. After a second she smiled and gave him a small nod, almost shy. And he found himself smiling back.

"If I manage to walk around this whole gazebo, no cheating, do I win a prize?"

"A prize?" Severus grinned, arms crossed as he walked along by her, she carrying on her demonstration; "You are the one who jumped up there, it was at no insistence of mine."

Lily giggled; "How about if I get around here, you go and get us another bottle. And if I fall, I go."

"I could just accio a bottle from here."

"Ah." She was grinning and nodding, still walking and he still following; "I almost forgot. We are magical beings."

"You do talk nonsense sometimes, Lily."

She made a dramatic gasp; "You offend me, Sir."

"A sentiment shared by many, I assure you."

Lily smiled down at him; "People just don't see you for the big softie you are."

"Lily. Shut up."

She laughed then and stumbled, reached out for the nearest beam but missed and came down that time. He wasn't quite ready for it, the catch he had promised earlier far less graceful than it should be, considering he was pretty aware it would happen sooner or later.

Instead, he just managed to catch her by the waist and the two bumped against one another and stumbled, her hands reaching up to grab him by the shoulders.

She was still laughing when they steady themselves; "Nice catch, Sev."

"I wasn't ready."

Lily beamed up at him, her hands still gripping him by the shoulders, not inclined to let go.

If she wasn't letting go, either was he, he decided, allowing his hands to linger on her waist, the two of them standing close.

The amusement in her eyes slowly faded, leaving only a softness as she gazed up at him, her smile turning warm, tender; "You know. You should really smile more often."

Severus rolled his eyes, breaking eye contact with her; preparing to listen to more of her alcohol-induced ramblings.

But he didn't let her go.

"These other girls…"

He met her eyes. He'd known she had wanted to ask more about them earlier that night. Her interest in them was amusing.

"Were any of them…special?"

He stared back at her.

Lily. They didn't stand a chance.

"Wouldn't you like to know."

Her nose wrinkled in playful annoyance and she gave him a little shove but her hands held on, not letting go of his shoulders. Hands that then slid from his shoulders down to the tops of his arms.

Severus thought he could just stay like this forever. So close to her. Just forget the world and look into those eyes until the day he died.

Merlin, this was ridiculous.

He couldn't do this. Couldn't lose himself like this.

Even if he wanted to. Even if she wanted him to.

Which she didn't. Stop this now.

He was aware of everything. The scent of her hair beneath him as it stirred in the breeze; the softness, the care in her eyes that told him that yes, she meant what she had said, she did trust him; and the way her hips curved beneath his hands.

His heart began to beat a little faster at the thought.

She was so close.

And she was silent now, only looking back at him.

He wanted to hold onto this moment forever.

A loud, searing screech sounded behind her and both their attention was drawn overhead as a loud bang erupted above. Bright lights.

A second followed. A third.

Fireworks.

"Hm."

Severus' eyes were drawn back to her at the sound of her voice. She was turned away but still in his arms, looking over her shoulder at the display; "Looks like the party's over," she remarked, eyes still on the sky.

Indeed, it is.

After a moment, she turned back to him, eyes meeting his. He only looked back at her, saying nothing.

She looked like she wanted to speak, like she wanted to say something. And then she sighed. She stepped closer, if that was possible, and leaned up, pressing her lips to his cheek.

Severus closed his eyes, savouring it.

And too soon, she drew back, giving him a small smile; "Goodnight, Sev."

Severus stood there. Watched her walk away.

The whole time his mind telling him what he had done, that coming here tonight, was foolish. Incredibly, remarkably stupid.

Before, her return to his life was confusing. Thoughts about their past, their secrets, their mistakes had plagued him. Haunted him until he had finally put them to rest; finally confessed his sins and she had forgiven him.

The confusion was over. And with it gone, it left behind only one simple fact.

He was right back to where he started.

He was still completely, head-over-heels in love with Lily Potter.