It Was Really Nice To Meet All Of You!
Man! Total Drama! I was so psyched to be here! I'd watched the show before and it was the best thing since sliced bread! Whatever that means. My favorite season was Revenge of the Island. I was rooting for Zoey that time around because I sympathized with her desire to make friends. Truth be told, I could use a few new friends as well, and Total Drama seemed like it'd be a great place to do that!
We all got on the blimp at the same time. Some greeted me, some waved and others ignored me. The cabin was pretty shabby but that didn't bother me. Shabbiness has its own charm to it, in my opinion. There weren't enough for everyone so some sat on crates and others just stood up
I had to say, I was already loving these guys. There was a very diverse group of characters. There was a girl in a pink dress who was humming merrily. With her white skin and black hair she looked like Gwen, who was one of my favorites. She was very cute!
There was a Native-American girl sitting right next to her. Or is it Native-Canadian? Whatever. The aboriginal girl pulled out a stick of gum and looked like she was going to offer it to the girl in pink. But instead, she turned and offered to the boy sitting to her right.
"Want some gum?" she asked. Aw, she's so nice!
The boy was taught and overweight, yet he was also very short. His frame kinda reminded me of a shorter Owen, who was another one of my favorites. His skin was gray and his hair was purple. He looked so bizarre and I loved it!
"Your offer of simple confectionary will not save you from the pure evil of me!" he shouted. "But yes, thank you!" He took the gum and threw it in his mouth. He started choking almost instantly. He spat it out. "Cinnamon! There is no need for you to be that spicy!"
Ha-ha! This guy's a laugh. I hope he's on my team! We could use an evil genius.
"Heh-heh, that guy's a little weird…" said an Indian dude sitting on a crate. He looked the most normal out of any of us.
"Experiamus!" cried another black guy like me. He was tall and lanky and dressed in a green robe and a fake beard. He waved a twisty wand at the evil genius.
"I know many spells to ward off evil!" He boasted. He must be a wizard. That would also be a great asset to my team.
"Oh… good?" said the normal guy, looking uncomfortable. Then the girl in pink seemed to sense his discomfort and skipped over to him.
"And there's nothing that can't be made sweeter with a song!" she proclaimed. She then tiptoed across the cabin.
"Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah!" She sung like a Disney Princess. Her voice was kickin'! There was a pair of identical twin girls behind me, and they seemed to like her singing as much as I did.
I figured if she was showing off her talents, then it was a good time for me to introduce myself by showcasing mine! I don't mean to brag, but I am a beatboxing king! I make Harold look like an amateur! My friends call me the Human Soundboard! At least, they would if I had any…
I started off beatboxing in a high falsetto. Nothing too impressive, just getting my shtick out there like the wizard, villain, and princess were. However, the twins didn't seem as impressed with me as they were with the princess. They both made looks of disgust. The twin that was closer to me demanded to switch places with her sister. I looked around to see the wizard and the normal guy giving me bewildered looks. I felt my heart wince.
I didn't really pay attention to what was going on after that. I scooted up to the wall and hung my head. I never could make the best first impressions. I wish I wasn't so damn shy!
Eventually, I was snapped out of my pity party by the sound of thunder. Glancing out the window, I saw that the sky had darkened.
"Hang on!" cried Chef Hatchet over the loudspeaker. "This might get hairy!"
The cabin started rumbling. Bolts and nuts were shook loose. We all became very concerned. I heard a girl on the other side of the let out a shriek. The princess crawled around on all fours, singing and screaming at the same time. I was impressed.
There was a flash of lightning. We were all blinded for a split-second. When our sight came back to normal, Chris McLean was standing in the middle of cabin, seemingly having appeared out of thin air.
"Hello, newbies!" he greeted condescendingly. "Ready for some fun?"
"Yes!" cried the princess and another boy, both of who ran up to our host. Chris didn't seem to expect the enthusiasm.
"Huh, a couple of keeners. I'm sure a little pain and starvation will fix that." He walked away from the two, leaving both slightly disappointed. He walked to the center of the aircraft. There was something off about the way he moved, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
"Let's get started. This aircraft stinks! And is equipped with two emergency exits: here and at the end of the cabin." Chris explained. I found it suspicious that we were going through safety procedures an hour after we took flight.
"At said exits, you will find parachute packs!" Chris continued, pointing to the crates. "Only half of them contain actual parachutes! The other half contain surprises that will be utterly useless while falling from the sky."
"Well hopefully we won't need them." said the aboriginal girl.
"Who knows? This season is full of surprises. Like this!" Chris pulled out a remote control and pressed the single red button on it.
Kaboom!
The entire blimp shook violently and tilted downward. Everyone on board screamed and panicked, except for Chris. We all clambered to the exit closest to us. We opened the crates and grabbed a backpack. There was no time to check them to see if they contained a parachute or useless junk.
It was quite the experience. After freefalling for a couple of seconds, we all regained enough of our senses to pull the cord and test our luck. The tall Australian girl was the first.
"The koala goes cluck to the platypus for luck!" she cried. She pulled her cord and out came a parachute.
I was the second to test out my pack. I pulled the cord, but my descent didn't slow in the slightest. I looked above me to see that a live chicken and a couple of eggs had emerged from my pack instead of a parachute.
"(Whomp, whomp, whomp, whomp!)" I wailed, defeated and resigned to death.
I looked around to see which of my fellow competitors were luckier than me. I saw the wizard and the fidgety guy had failed to get chutes and were rescued by the tall girl. The blonde girl, the normal guy, the aboriginal girl, and Chef had also received useless junk. The princess didn't have a chute either, yet it seemed like her descent was slowing as if she did.
After a minute or so, I splashed into the water, feeling as though I was smacked everywhere. I reemerged, along with Chef, the normal guy, and the blonde girl.
Chris was doing a headcount. It was odd. He wasn't wet or dirty or windswept. His body seemed totally calm. It was as though he hadn't jumped from the blimp.
"Huh, only one missing. Not so bad!" I looked around, trying to figure out who had died. Then the villain fell from a tree, his parachute having opened improperly.
"Ah, Max! How kind of you to join us!" said Chris.
"You fool! This parachute pack was defective!" he barked.
"Wow, tough break! You got a parachute and you still got hurt!" Chris laughed. "Alright, down to business! Will everyone who was lucky enough to have a parachute stand to my left, while those that weren't, form on the right!"
I left the water. I was glad the water was there. Not only did it save my life, but I hadn't showered in three days. I would have done so this morning but was too lazy.
I lined up with the fidgety guy, the aboriginal girl, the blond girl, the normal guy, the wizard, and the princess.
"Welcome to Pahkitew Island!" Chris said to the camera. "On the right everyone who had actual parachutes! Scarlett, Topher, Rodney, Jasmine, Max, Amy, and Samey!"
"Uh, it's Sammy…" One of the twins corrected.
"Amy says everyone calls you Samey!" Chris argued.
"Well, yes, but-"
"'Cause you're the second twin? The lesser Amy, if you will."
"But my real name is-"
"You're officially Samey!" Chris barked. Samey backed down. "Your team is the Pimâpotew Kinosewak! Which is Cree for Soaring Eagles!"
"Uh no! Sorry!" said the aboriginal girl. "That means 'The Floating Salmon.'"
"Oh." said Chris, looking stumped. "Then I guess you're the Floating Salmon." Chris sent an angry glare at Chef before turning to my team.
"Those without chutes: Shawn, Leonard, Ella, Dave, Beardo, Sky, and Sugar!"
Okay, Chris mispronounced my name. He said it like 'beer-doe' when it actually has three syllables. It's pronounced 'bee-air-doe.' I might have corrected him, but that would have seemed rude. I didn't want to attract any unnecessary attention. And the way he snapped at Samey just killed any chance, especially since it's just a stage name. My real name is George.
But apart from a mispronunciation that almost everybody who can read would make, I was psyched. I finally had a group of folks who I could call my comrades.
"Your team is the Waneyihtam Maskwak! Which in Cree means, Ferocious Tigers-"
"Confused Bears!" Sky corrected. Chris angrily tore the flashcard he was holding in half. I was kinda disappointed that Sky interrupted him this time. Oh well. At least she's honest.
"This is what you get for using a free online translator!" Chris scolded Chef.
"M' bad." Chef apologized dismissively. The big man walked off.
"Anywho… Seeing as there's no place for any of you to sleep tonight, we figured your first should be… to build your own shelter!"
"Aw muffin tops! I'm too tired for that!" Sugar whined. It occurred to me that she resembled a female version of Owen. That gave me a mischievous idea.
When Sugar sat down, I used my beatboxing and ventriloquism skills to project a fart noise from Sugar's direction. After all, who doesn't love a good fart joke?
BLARP!
Sugar stood up in surprise. My teammates all looked at her in disgust and I was feeling a sort of childish smugness.
"That was not me!" she said defensively. "A pageant queen never farts unless it is her talent! But there be more to it, maybe she'd play a flute or-"
Chris whistled, silencing Sugar.
"Hey, fart monster! I was talking!" Chris snapped. I laughed silently. Chris led us to a junkyard. "Each team may take supplies from the common area before they begin to build. But these supplies are guarded by Chef, armed with a powerful tennis ball blaster!" Upon a rock, Chef was wielding a minigun that shot tennis balls.
"A glancing blow will sting!" Chris warned. Chef shot the gun once, causing a tennis ball to strike Dave's cheek.
"OW!" he yelled. Sky gasped. "That… only hurt a little!" Aw, he's so brave!
"A direct hit can take you right to the ground!" Chris continued. Chef shot the gun again, nailing Max in the stomach, and knocking him to the ground. "Can someone please help that little boy to his feet?"
Rodney helped Max onto his feet only for him to fall down again.
"Good enough." Chris shrugged. "Team Maskwak will build their shelter further inland. Team Kinosewak, towards the beach. Best shelter, according to me, wins the challenge."
HONK!
"Go!" Chris blared an airhorn.
With a sinister grin, Chef began firing tennis balls at me and my team. Everyone but me let out a scream.
"Bears! Follow me!" Sky cried. It took a second for me to process what was going on. I looked to my left to see that everyone else was following Sky and was about to take shelter behind the rocks.
"(SCREEEEECH!)" I beatboxed the sound of tires squealing and sprinted to catch up to my team.
Thankfully, we all escaped without injury, which was good, because we had ladies on the team. And we had Sugar. After all, it was quite unladylike of her to fart that loud, teehee!
Chef seemed to focus on our team, first. I gotta admit, I really loved the gun that Chef was shooting and I had the idea to try and steal it. But I didn't want to make a bad first impression. My main strategy for the season was to stay out of the spotlight in case things went south. So, I kept my idea to myself.
"One pass each!" Sky instructed. "Grab something good and make your way to-"
"Yeah!" Dave interrupted a bit too enthusiastically. "She's totally right! Good call! I have some dirt on my hands, but no big deal! Let's do what she says!"
"Right…" Sky muttered awkwardly. "Alright, who's first?"
"I'll do it!" Shawn volunteered. "I've been training for the zombie apocalypse!"
"Zombie apocalypse?" Dave asked skeptically. Shawn leapt into the fold. Chef immediately rounded on him. Shawn jumped ducked, darted, and dodged with amazing agility. He was on his toes, but not a single tennis ball struck him. He managed to snag an item and retreat back to our hiding place. We were all impressed.
"Way to go, Shawn!" Sky cheered.
"How did you manage that?!" Ella asked excitedly.
"In my mind, I'm always running from zombies. And if you're not, you're crazy!" Shawn explained. I was taken back. Did Shawn know something we didn't?
"Anyway, I grabbed some soup!" said Shawn holding up a tin can proudly. He then took a closer look at what he had grabbed. "Cream of Broccoli?" He groaned in disappointment.
"Soup?" Dave exclaimed incredulously. "You grabbed soup?! We can't build a house out of soup!"
"Sure we can! I once built a castle using nothing but a sunflower and the eyelash of a dragon!" Leonard regaled. Ella, Sugar, and I were in awe.
"There's no way can we lose!" Sugar exclaimed. "We've got a wizard on our team!"
You took the words right out of my mouth, Sugar! I was eager to see what he could do with a can of soup.
"Alright, who's next?" Sky asked.
"Oh, me! Me! I'll do it!" Ella cried. And she daintily skipped out once Chef started focusing his fire on the Floating Salmon.
"Bring back something magical!" Leonard instructed.
Ella began to sing and dance her way around the junk pile. Chef sent a few tennis balls her way but they all missed. After a minute or so she gasped excitedly.
"Good news!" she cried. "I found a bucket of glitter!"
"Marvelous!" Leonard cried.
"No! Not marvelous!" Dave rebutted. "Glitter? Is she out of her mind?"
"She must be!" said Sugar. "'Cause it's obvious that glitter should be mine!"
"What?!" Dave cried.
"Dave, you draw Chef's fire while Beardo makes a run for the supplies!" Sky instructed. I was stoked to hear my name. It was time for me to my mark on this show!
"(Ding-ding!)" I beatboxed, signaling affirmation.
"Ready? Go!" Sky shoved Dave out into the open. Sure enough, Chef began firing upon him. He wasn't as agile as Shawn or graceful as Ella, but he did evade every shot. "Okay, Beardo! Go!"
Now was the time! Time to showcase my wicked skills, as Harold would put it. The only problem was, I didn't have a clue of what to grab. Sky said to bring back something good, but those were very vague instructions.
I ran out in an epic sprint making bionic robot noises. I did it in slow-motion so that everyone could see how awesome I was.
"Why are you running in slow-motion?!" Dave demanded. Sheesh, boy, you're so serious!
Unfortunately, I learned a second later that he was right. Running in slow-motion allowed Chef to line up a shot at me. He beaned me right in the place that no man deserves to be struck. I fell to the ground, put my hands over my loins, and groaned.
"Six O'clock!" Chris laughed. Okay, maybe Chris deserves to be struck there.
For the next little while, I laid where I fell down, waiting for the pain to subside. I listened to the sound of lumber and scrap metal shifting, tennis balls flying, people crying out in pain, and Chris and Chef laughing cruelly. I was feeling stupid.
Eventually, the tennis balls stopped flying for some reason. The pain in my loins had lifted enough for me to stand up. Chef was no longer at his gun and everyone was scrounging for supplies. I was about to join in when Chris blew an air horn.
"It's building time!" Chris announced. "Please leave the area and go to your designated building sites."
As the teams separated in order to build their shelters, I noticed two things. The first was that the other team had far superior materials than us, including a wheelbarrow full of lumber. I hoped Leonard would be able to pull through for us.
The second thing that I noticed was that I was the only one on my team who hadn't scored an item from the junkyard. Shawn had his soup, Ella had her glitter, Sugar and Leonard were carrying a bundle of straw, Sky had a rope, and Dave had a hammer.
To compensate, I figured I would try to psyche out the other team. I made all sorts of construction noises. The whirring of a power drill, the pounding of a jackhammer, the roar of a chainsaw, you name it! I did it! I was definitely loud enough for the other team to hear!
Unfortunately, nobody on my team seemed to realize why I was doing this and they all looked annoyed, some more than others. By the time we got to our building site, Dave had apparently had enough.
"WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING SOUND EFFECTS ALREADY?!" he yelled. After one final squeal, I complied. Dave looked heavily irritated.
"What are we going to build?" Shawn asked.
"Well, we have rope, straw, a hammer," Sky stated, going over our inventory.
"Some very pretty glitter!" Ella added.
"And soup! Huh? Huh?" Shawn finished.
"We shall build a wizard's tower!" Leonard proclaimed, throwing his hands up.
"Oh! Yes! I second that!" Ella cried, raising her hand in support.
"Wizard says, Sugar does!" Sugar declared, raising her hand as well. "Who's with us?"
I loved the idea, and I loved Leonard's confidence. While issuing a slide whistle followed by the ringing of a bell, I raised my hand, forming a majority vote.
"Four votes for a wizard tower!" Sugar proclaimed victoriously. Sky and Shawn seemed unsure about the proposition. Dave, on the other hand, seemed quite sure of it.
"But… No! NO! We're not gonna-!" Dave started, but his attempt to veto the idea was thwarted by Sky.
"Dave, the team voted! Building something is better than building nothing! We gotta hurry!" Sky reasoned, much to Dave's dismay. "What do we do first, Leonard?"
"First, we link arms and chant!" Leonard instructed. Shawn and the girls all cheered. I would have too, but my voice is disgusting and I didn't want anyone to hear it until they had warmed up to me. Of course, that might take a few days.
"Really?!" Dave grumped, clearly frustrated. Come on, Dave! Don't you believe in magic?
The Confused Bears gathered in a circle, Dave reluctantly.
"Ho-hum!" Leonard chanted.
"Ho-hum!" chanted Sky, Shawn, Ella, and Sugar. I provided mystical background music.
"Ho-hum." Dave said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.
"Gwun-ho!"
"Gwun-ho!"
"Urgh… Gwun-ho."
"Mi-wak-ah!"
"Mi-wak-ah!"
"Miwakah."
"Scooby-dooby-doo!"
"Scooby-dooby-doo!"
"Scooby-Doo?! Seriously?!"
"Zoboomafoo!"
"Zoboomafoo!"
"…"
"Alakazama-ala-balo-weesnaw-dinky-tana-fooshbarg-griddlebits-von-weiner-shnauzer!"
"Alakazama-"
"We don't have time for this!" Dave yelled, breaking the circle. Leonard didn't mind, though. It seemed he done.
"Alright! Now we stack stones!" said Leonard. Shawn, Sky, Ella, and Dave began grabbing rocks as big as they could and piling them up. Leonard and Sugar began sewing a roof together out of the straw.
I was kind of stumped on what to do. Should I help Leonard and Sugar with the roof? Or should I stack stones? I approached Leonard. I wasn't brave enough to ask for instructions. After a few awkward seconds, I made a doink noise and shrugged. Leonard seemed to get the idea.
"Go stack the stones, bard!" he said.
I shrugged and went over to Sky.
"Beardo?" she said. I held out my arms in a helpful manner. "Um, why don't you go help Dave?"
I shrugged and went over to Dave, who told me to help out Shawn, who told me to help out Ella, who told me to out Dave.
I was confused and frustrated. Everyone was giving me conflicting orders. And usually, when that happens, my brain just sort of short-circuits. So I started daydreaming and goofing off. And I added a few sound effects to make the process more fun.
After a couple of hours, we had our shelter. It stood about forty feet high. The midsection was held together by the rope. The straw roof had been placed at the top. It was quite the work of art, I had to say. I knew we were gonna win!
I celebrated our success by playing a triumphant tune via trumpet noises. Everyone stared at me. Dave groaned.
"ZIP IT!" he barked. I made a record-scratching noise before complying. "Well, this is useless!" Sheesh, Dave, what were you expecting, the White House?
But I guess I could see Dave's point. The only entrance to the tower was at the very top, meaning we would have to climb like monkeys to go inside. I'm sure that wouldn't have been a problem for Shawn or Sky, but Sugar and I were both a bit on the chubby side, while Dave, Ella, and Leonard seemed to have low upper body strength. But hey, it was still a creative idea for a shelter and I hoped Chris would see it that way as well.
"But it's not done!" Leonard pointed out. "Ella?"
With a happy grin, Ella picked up her bucket of glitter only for it to be snatched out of her hands by Sugar.
"Leave this to the per-fessionals!" Sugar boasted arrogantly. She then recklessly tossed the glitter at the base of the tower. A bit of the glitter got in Dave's eyes and he turned away in irritation.
"Huh? Where's Shawn going?" he asked. We all looked to see that Shawn was walking into the woods. I felt sick. Did we scare him off? Did I bother him too much?
"Team Maskwak!" Chris greeted, flying in on a jetpack. "Wizard's Tower, huh?"
We all smiled and nodded, except for Dave, who let out a soft frustrated groan.
"So, is it moose-proof?" Chris asked.
"Is it what now?" Sky asked. We almost didn't have time to be confused before an intense rumbling was heard. Sure enough, as we looked to the east, we saw a herd of stampeding moose.
We all ran for cover in the woods. Our tower started rocking back and forth. I made alarm noises to signify how dangerous the situation was. Once I was sure we were all out of the stampede's path, we realized that Leonard wasn't with us. As a result, we were unable to relax.
Once the last moose had passed, we saw that Leonard had curled up at the base of the tower, which had stopped wobbling. He stood up, unharmed. We all breathed a sigh of relief, including Dave.
"Huzzah! The beasts of Pahkitew Island are no match for my Wizard's Tower!" Leonard boasted. He patted his creation affectionately. Unfortunately, that seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back. The tower tipped over. There was no stopping it.
"Force field!" Leonard cried, putting his hands up. We all cringed, believing that Leonard was a goner. Yet, when the dust cleared, we saw him standing in the same position completely unharmed.
"It worked!" he cried impressed. Sugar and Ella were impressed as well. Dave and Sky were not. And I have to admit, I was starting to have my doubts that he was really a wizard. After all, if he really was, then wouldn't he know a spell to give him some real facial hair?
"Alright then!" Chris chuckled. "Meet me at the meeting point in ten minutes and I'll announce the winner!" Chris then flew away.
After tracking down Shawn, we all headed to the meeting point. It was a relatively small open clearing where two logs sat. The Floating Salmon were already there, sitting on one log, so we sat on the other. I sat on the far left. I always loved sitting on the edges, was never comfortable in the center. Dave sat next to me, then came Sky, then Sugar, then Ella, then Leonard, and finally Shawn.
There we sat anxiously for Chris to arrive. I have to admit I wasn't too confident that we would win after our tower collapsed, but I remained optimistic.
Once Chris arrived he wasted no time in delivering his verdict.
"Well, I'd like to say it was a hard decision, but let's keep it real! Team Pimâpotew Kinosewak wins the challenge!"
That's it? No buildup? No dramatic pause? No tension? Was our shelter really that bad? Or was theirs really so good? Maybe both.
The salmon burst into cheers while we bears groaned in disappointment. Dave rolled his eyes. He was clearly expecting us to lose. He kept silent, but his face was screaming "I told you so!"
"The winners of each challenge will be rewarded this season with a takeout order from a sponsoring restaurant." said Chris. "This week, it's the Petting Zoo Barbeque! The Petting Zoo Barbeque: Someone else touched your dinner, we guarantee it!"
Chris gave two bags of food to the salmon each embroidered with the logo of a sheep on a grill.
"Aw, shoot! I always wanted a pony!" Sugar grumbled. Chris walked up to us.
"Team Waneyihtam Maskwak! One member of your team is heading home today!"
The girls moaned sadly while me and the guys groaned indignantly.
"Oh come on!" Shawn barked. My thoughts exactly, Shawn. Once we had lost, I was really hoping that the first challenge would be non-elimination, but I should have known better.
This really sucked, because I was starting to like all of my team members! And I was hoping that we would be one of those dominating teams that seemed to win every challenge and never lose its members, like Team Amazon or the Mutant Maggots. Speaking of which, let me say that the Mutant Maggots were my favorite team in Total Drama history. Not because they won every challenge but because they had great chemistry. They felt like a family, like brothers and sisters. Brick and Jo were the oldest of the group, constantly fighting over who's in charge, Anne Maria was the middle child who was on her own page, Mike was the supportive middle child, and Zoey and Cameron were the sweet youngest children looking up to everyone else. I was really hoping the Confused Bears would be like that.
Well, maybe we were, in a way. Sky was the supportive mother, Dave the serious dad, Ella the sweet toddler, Leonard the nerdy son, Sugar the wacky aunt, Shawn the crazy uncle, and I was the talented, cool, big brother! Maybe we could still be a good family-like team with six members. We'd just have to win four challenges in a row, which is easier said than done because I highly doubt that the Salmon have a saboteur like Scott on their team. Already, I feel like we're a team of underdogs.
Our team headed back to our shelter. Except there was no evidence that we had actually built anything there. Our tower just looked like a mess of jumbled rocks. I was not looking forward to sleeping there tonight. Leonard had failed us big time.
"Well, let's eat!" Sugar declared.
"Eat what?" Sky asked.
"The soup!" Sugar clarified.
"How about we save it until we have one less mouth to feed?" Dave suggested. "That way, there'll be more to go around."
"Yeah, agreed." said Shawn.
"The wizard can make more for us!" Sugar pointed out.
"Uh…" said Leonard, looking from side to side unsurely. "Actually, I'm out of mana for today."
"What a surprise." Dave commented sarcastically.
"Don't worry! It'll be replenished by morning!" Leonard assured us. Sugar and Ella seemed reassured, but the rest of us weren't.
At Dusk, Chris summoned our team to the elimination area. The outhouse confessional was on the way, and it was where we were to cast our votes. Sugar went in to cast her vote first. Leonard went after her. Ella went after Leonard, Shawn went after her, and was followed by Sky. Dave went after Sky and took four times as long as the rest of them. Finally, it was my turn to cast a vote.
I made a quick confessional, imitating a car crash to describe how our day went, and then I considered my options.
Shawn was fast and agile and got us our soup, so he was off the table.
Sky was a good leader and also had great acrobatic skills. So I dismissed her as well.
Dave was kind of a downer with serious he was, but in the end, he was right. We shouldn't have built the tower. I resolved to listen to him more closely from this point on.
Ella was really cute and I couldn't bring myself to vote for her.
Sugar, I considered, because I feared she might find out that I was the one who pranked her. She was also a bit chubby, and that made me worry that she might eat too much of our food. But she was pretty strong, so I gave her a pass.
Leonard. It had to be Leonard. It was clear to me at this point that Leonard was no more magical than Dave. He was a fun guy, but I wasn't sure if he was pretending to be a wizard or whether he really believed he was one. He sold it pretty well.
I deposited my ballot and left the confessional. The Confused Bears then walked down to the elimination area to cut someone off. I knew it was going to be Leonard. After all, it was his idea that failed us and I had kept out of the way for the most part.
The elimination area was a nice open cliffside plane with a ramp leading down to what I assumed was the new Dock of Shame, which was a nice contrast to the rocky, claustrophobic pit at Camp Wawanakwa. We waited ten minutes for Chris to show up. I sat down on a log next to Sugar, hoping to eventually prank her again.
"Welcome to the Pahkitew Island Elimination Area!" Chris greeted us. "This is where we determine who stays to play another day, and who gets a one-way ticket home!" Chris pulled a platter of marshmallows from out of thin air. I wasn't really that worried. "The votes are in! If I hand you a marshmallow, you're safe!"
"Sky."
"Shawn."
"Dave."
"Ella."
"And Sugar! You are safe."
Okay, now I was worried. I was in the bottom two. Maybe I had jinxed myself by not worrying.
"Beer-doe! You did very little to help your team and tried to convince us that Sugar farted!" Chris lectured.
Oh, crap! Busted! Startled, I let out a nervous horse whinny. Sugar leered at me. I guess I'm not going to get away with a second one. I should have realized that making all that noise today would allow someone to deduce that I was behind Sugar's embarrassment today.
"Leonard! You think you're a wizard! And you convinced your team to build something very, very stupid!" Chris lectured.
"Ala-! Forgeticus…" Leonard waved his wand but dropped it, lethargically.
"Um yeah… Okay! The last marshmallow goes to…"
I was almost panicking. My eyes darted back and forth. My surety that Leonard would be the one leaving was doing me no good.
"Leonard!" Chris announced, my heart jumped and then sank. Leonard let out a brief laugh of relief.
"Marvelous!" he exclaimed. It was game over for me. So naturally, I beatboxed the sound of Pac-Man dying.
"Game over!" Dave sighed in satisfaction. I felt hurt. Was I really that annoying?
Apparently, I was. And I was the first one voted off. I was the next Ezekiel. The next Staci. It was so humiliating to be amongst the first boots. Did I really deserve this?
"This island is named 'Pahkitew' which is the Cree word for 'exploding!' So, we thought it fitting that this season's mode of transportation home should be something with a bang!" Chris explained.
I had a bad feeling in my gut. Season four had contestants eliminated via catapult. In the previous season, it was a giant toilet. I was surely going to find out soon, but what could be worse than the Flush of Shame? I turned to look at Sky to see if this was another mistranslation but she kept her mouth shut. Chris led me down the path to the lower level. My former team followed close behind out of curiosity. There was no Dock of Shame. There was instead a large device covered in a sheet. Chef was waiting eagerly to unveil it.
"Without further ado!" Chris announced. "I give you the Boom of Abashmant! The Kablam of Chagrin! This season's humiliating way home: The Cannon of Shame!"
Chef threw the sheet off to reveal a giant cannon with red and white stripes. My former team gasped.
Chef slapped an Evel Knievel helmet on top of my head but my afro was so huge that the helmet did even make it down to my scalp. It just sat in my hair uselessly. It reminded me that I needed a haircut. Nevertheless, Chris opened the butt of the cannon and gestured for me to get in. I shrugged and complied. After all, I had just survived a six-mile drop today. Being shot out of a cannon should be child's play compared to that, right?
I was stuffed through the cannon enough so that my head was poking out of the barrel.
"Any last words?" Chris asked.
Of course I had last words. I wanted to apologize to my team for not pulling my weight. I wanted to apologize for annoying them. I wanted to assure them that there were no hard feelings between me and them. Unfortunately, I'm as good at talking as Leonard is at leading.
I settled for beatboxing the sound of a gun cocking.
"So long, Beer-doe!" Chris fare-welled.
Kaboom! Weeeeeeeeeee!
"Enough already!" Chris yelled, clearly not finding my last beatbox amusing. Chris hit the button and I was fired. It was now or never!
"ITWASREALLYNICETOMEETALLOFYOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!" I yelled. I had no idea if my team heard me or not. It's just as well. That was the most generic farewell anyone could have given.
I shot through the air, wondering if this was how it felt to be Superman. After about a twenty-second ride, I landed in a giant sandbox at the airport. The velocity caused me to burrow deep within the box, but I was unharmed.
After unearthing myself, I sat in the sand and pondered on why I was the unfortunate one today. It seemed that my strategy to lay low had backfired. I thought back to the first elimination in Total Drama history, where Courtney and Ezekiel were in the bottom. Until Ezekiel made those sexist remarks, it seemed that Courtney was a guaranteed goner. Her poor leadership and cowardice had failed the Killer Bass its first challenge. But sexist Ezekiel was just too annoying to keep around and had no useful skills. Courtney, on the other hand, had ambition and initiative. While her leadership may have failed the Killer Bass the first time around, it seemed that the team still saw potential in her, which is why she stayed and Zeke left. Which is why Leonard stayed and I left. I was the annoying one and Leonard was the ambitious one who just had a bad start. I understood.
I know if I had been granted more time, I could have warmed up to them enough to start talking to them and they would realize what a great guy I really was. But usually, until that happens, I just tend to bug people.
I sighed. I straightened up and tried to look on the bright side. I wouldn't be sleeping outside on a pile of rocks tonight. I wouldn't be eating from a can of cream-of-broccoli soup that was probably expired anyway. I was separated from my team before I got too attached to them. I walked out of the sandbox and into the airport.
Whoever ended up winning Total Drama Pahkitew Island, I hoped they were on my team!
Author's note: This was a reward for AnonBrowser. I hadn't included Beardo in TDIRC because there were already too many characters, and his gimmick wouldn't work well in literature, or at least a competition fic, which you're not supposed to do in I think I've gotten better at writing and would include him if I'm to do it again. For this fic, I was asked to explore the first episode of TDPI from Beardo's point of view, clarify how he ended up being sent home instead of Leonard, and explore his social anxieties. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!