Thank you all for the reviews :)
I've been feeling a little off about my writing lately, but who knows when that'll sort itself out, so here's the next chapter nonetheless.
Notice there's a time jump, we're a few months into the future with these guys. (again, Jackie is 6, Junior is 4, Maddie is 3, and now Marley is 5 months)
Chapter 9: The Ashes
Tulsa, October 1976
"You sure you don't want to come to the parade?" He asks me, putting on his boxers, and scoffing with a mild sheepishness when he sees I'm watching.
I stretch out then, taking up the whole bed and shamelessly letting the falling sheet expose a bit more of my top half from my movement. I shake my head mid-yawn, always driving this relationship with a forced air of apathy, and now it's settled thick among the two of us. It's a pattern I can't quite break from, even as apathetic is the furthest I feel about my newest conquest and his funny name.
"I'll pass."
He keeps his eyes on me, even as he works to button up that white and black plaid stripped shirt. "You ever gonna meet my brothers?"
"I'll pass." I repeat, watching as his eyes fall a bit, but the way he moves on so quickly so he can smooth out his hair drags it's nails down my windpipe when I try to swallow it down. I thought he'd fight for me more by fighting me in argumentation. So I entertain it further, another chance for him to rebuttal, "From what I gather, I wouldn't like them and they wouldn't like me."
He blows his second chance when he doesn't defend me, and instead turns to look in the mirror above the sink, splashing some water onto his hands before running it through his hair, the sun that's streaming in through the window highlighting a hue of red I hadn't noticed in it before. He's been letting it grow long for the last few months since our first date, I like to think he does it because I like it, but I know the truth. He's working through some stuff ever since he started drifting from his brothers all that time ago, now he's trying to redefine himself. When people ask how long we've been together, he measures out the length of his own hair from the nape of his neck as a way of signifying the passing of the time that encompasses our relationship.
"couple inches" and he'll smile whenever his says it, too.
Yet every time he doctors it up in the morning, I catch him grimace just looking at it.
I'm no stranger to falling in love, which is why I've made myself tougher on the outside so everything inside me has the privacy to fall to pieces unsuspectingly if I need it to. But the infatuation I feel with Ponyboy Curtis sets a record. His mind is fascinating, he's a genius with words, he's smart enough to keep up with me. Not to mention he's just so damn handsome, and I don't even think he knows it. I can't get him off my mind no matter how many other guys may fawn over me at the bar. Ponyboy's an adventure, he's everything I've been missing in my boring life. If only that thought ran both ways, then maybe we could get somewhere productive in this relationship instead of being sprawled out on lawn chairs in limbo.
I don't want to be in limbo, not anymore, even if I'm the one who put us there.
I slide out of bed and walk over to him by the sink on full display just to see if he'll look away from himself in that stupid mirror. He does for a second and smirks at me and all of my winning distractions, but then he checks back in with his collar and that five o'clock shadow.
"You can pull off scruff." I assure him, before wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in close so we're nose to nose. "Are you ever going to move out of this dump with me, Ponyboy?"
He smiles, and his hot breath smells like the mints he keeps in his nightstand drawer as he gives me tongue-y, wet kiss, marking up all the spots he should, only what should be a passioned exploration has become only routine.
"Just waiting for the right time, Val." He says, pulling away a little too quickly to be believed. "Gotta find the right job first."
Little does he know I know he didn't even apply for the Illinois Daily Harold. I found the application in the trash last week.
"How're your brothers?" I ask in a last ditch effort to get him to look at me for longer than a second. Sure enough he stops short, and turns his head to check me out, a bit dumbfounded because I've made it a clear point that I don't like talking or hearing about that messy family he's got.
"They're... fine. Far as I know." He says unconvincingly, and with how much time he's been spending with me, I doubt he's been checking in much with them. "Haven't seen them in a bit."
"Your middle brother still obsessed with that baby?" I cross my legs and bounce my foot flippantly, my own commentary on the suburban life his brothers seem to lead.
He frowns at me a little in confusion, but plays along nonetheless. "Yeah, I think she's the only reason he's stayed sober this last while. She's almost five months." He sits down on the couch's arm rest across from mine, engaged with me at last, even as his mind seems to have drifted off from us probably thinking about that baby again.
I light up a cigarette because sometimes it's enough to make him stay longer. "And the other one?"
"Darry's... good, just working, as usual. Why are you asking about them?" Now he just looks plain suspicious of me, making me wish I had never started this whole relationship with my signature tone of indifference. Pony doesn't throw himself at me like the others do, and yet he's so willing to play this game with me, only with all his gentleman graces intact.
"Are you gonna be okay leaving them behind for the East Coast?" It's more of an accusation than a genuine question as I roll the bud on my lips and he watches with an intensity as I puff the smoke out towards him.
He thinks on it for a second, I can tell I've got him hooked until he suddenly stands up and grabs his pants thrown over the chair, "Of course."
"You're not afraid they'll still need you? Are you telling me you're finally ready to seize your destiny in the big cities?"
He pauses again, a little too long this time. "Time to move on, like you said." He huffs under his breath, looking away hurriedly, but I know he doesn't believe it to be true. If things were okay with him and his brothers, he wouldn't still be with me, I know that. And if he believed he didn't need them and vice versa, we would have been out of fucking Tulsa Oklahoma as soon as that baby cured his brother's pill popping. If we can just get out of this cow town, maybe he'll see how much better he is without them. Maybe he'll be happy with just me.
He opens the door to the bedroom to leave, giving me a couple more seconds to change my mind, "Last chance, you sure you don't want to come? There'll be fireworks and cotton candy." He knows I hate sugar and loud noises alike, so I settle in deeper in my chair, and the fact that now he's even coming up with his own reasons to keep me from coming with.
"Nope." My pitch descends casually, like there's better ways I'll be spending my time while he's gone, a lie nobody was going fall for. Why do I even pretend? While I really, truly have no desire to meet this screwed up family of his, or to participate in that lousy parade, I wish it wasn't so easy for him to leave me here for them.
The Rogers High School band finishes up that nostalgic, out of tune fight song as they march down Centennial Park. Of me and my brothers, it looks like I'm the only one not distracted by wrangling the running children, so I mouth the words quietly to myself and watch as they try and reign in their families.
Darry's got his hands on his hips, looking down at Junior, who has to crank his head all the way back to look up at his dad, ice cream dripping down the cone in his hands as he's reprimanded. Soda's cheerfully bouncing Marley, the world's easiest baby up against his shoulder. In a just world, Soda would've ended up with a kid as off the wall as Junior, since that's exactly how he was growing up, and Darry would be raising the calm and collected likes of Marley Curtis, but it is pretty funny to watch Darry try to reason with little Junior who has no interest in rules or regulation, just trouble.
"Uncle Pony, watch!" I hear Jackie scream from her spot in the grassy knoll, a ray of light among a sea of Tulsa residents. Jackie's got on her pumpkin colored dress that she keeps reminding everyone about, and once she sees I'm looking, performs that perfected twirl so the base of the dress flares out like a princess's.
"Beautiful, Jackie!" I yell back with a clap, then watch as she smiles with that satisfied look of pride. Maddie sees this and wants to be cheered for too, but when she tries to spin, her momentum just isn't fast enough for the dress to kick out like Jackie's and it just sort of flops around in the wind like a flying pancake off axis. "Good job, Madeline!" I say, even louder to compensate for her struggle. Maddie says nothing, as usual, and just grins back.
I watch with a side eye as Jackie takes to teaching her little sister princess twirling techniques critically, but I think Maddie was just looking for some praise too, because after a few seconds of Jackie's schooling, she's already on all hands and knees digging in the grass for roly-poly bugs.
Darry passes a beer towards me, and clinks the neck of my bottle with his before taking a sip. He's all for a toast, but never the speech which Soda and I used to laugh about.
"To family." He says finally, uncharacteristically. I feel a little twinge in my gut, his words sitting like spoiled food in my stomach. Sure, things have gone back to whatever version of 'normal' they could've in a family like ours, but things haven't felt right in a long time. I would've expected Darry to be first in line to call B.S.
Instead, he smiles, and I think he subscribed to everything being fine even before Soda did.
Still, we've been pressing on in our forced little reverie, and I'd rather just keep the peace since it isn't so often we're together all three of us. "To... family."
"Grace!" Soda bellows excitedly from behind me, peeling Junior off of him as the kid tries to scale his way up Soda's shoulder like a jungle gym. "It's our song!" And without so much as a pause for her response, he grabs her hand and leads her to the patch of empty grass where the girls were twirling, Marley smushed between them as Soda starts to lead them both in a dance.
At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I'm alive.
As distant as I feel from him, I can't help but laugh because the last time Soda claimed a song as theirs, it was 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light' and Grace had smacked him for it all embarrassed when he declared it was Marley's origin song.
Watching the three of them dance brings out the conflicting dichotomy of relief that things between them aren't what they were a few months ago, and jealousy that that very fact has benched me on the sidelines.
Why can't I just be thankful he's clean, like everybody else? Why can't I pretend and enjoy with what little time I've got left with them?
You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you.
Soda lips syncs to Grace, holding her hand that isn't supporting Marley with his other palm on the small of her back so he can guide her movements with the beat. Grace keeps up with Soda's janky moves, even succeeding in giving him the structure he needs to keep him from wiggling all over the place like he usually would. She may not be my favorite sister-in-law, but in them I see such a balance.
"I love you baby! And if it's quite alright, I need you baby!" Soda's belting for all to hear whether they want to or not, and some people are beginning to look over, mostly with equal joyousness, though some with a little annoyance, not that Soda cares in the least.
By the chorus, he has Marley in his own hands and bounces her up and down with each slap of the symbols. Though she's sometimes a serious little lady, she's giggling, eyes locked on her daddy as they dance with her little hand in his big one. Grace throws her head back in laughter at the sight of their potluck of a dance and Soda snorts. When I look back at Debbie and Darry, they've started to dance too, much slower and more intimate with their foreheads pressed together, eyes closed in a romantic sway. I sit on my own lonely patch of grass with the kids, who are all three in a pile roughhousing.
I try to ignore that rising feeling that this place is starting to feel less and less like the home I came back to. And yet, I don't feel any better about leaving it all behind for the city. In the country lies my heart, in the city, my head, and this constant tug-o-war is about ready to rip me clean in half.
"Don't push it." I hear Grace say in reference to the coughs that force themselves into Soda's singing, and he quits his jumping, but ignores her a bit so he can keep singing to Marley and move to the music. "Oh pretty baby!" He sings, holding Marley face to face with him and her little hands flap like wings gleefully as he does.
It's true that her little smile could bring just about anybody from the brink of destruction.
"You doin' okay, Pony?" Debbie's maternal voice checks in, and when I catch her standing next to me, I realize I've been awfully quiet over here.
"Sorry." I say, and I don't know why that's always the first thing to come out of my mouth, "I was just having fun watching."
She smiles and puts her arm around my back as the sister I could've really used growing up. "We've got a pretty cool family, don't we, Pony?" she's always able to appreciate the little things with me. And I appreciate the attempt at roping me in with them on all of this, but even from Debbie, it feels a little trite.
Soda's juggling all three of the Curtis girls like a pro; he's got Marley clutched closely to his chest and she's grabbing at the wisps of hair that dangle in his face, with Maddie and Jackie making circles around him as he swings at the both of them with his free hand, I guess because he's 'it'. They're all four lost in giggles and gasps for air, even Marley has a big, gummy grin watching her cousins prance around ecstatically. I fight the tug at the corners of my mouth, determined not to be deceived again, but they go on up and I smile anyways.
"That's right, Sodapop." Darry laughs, watching from afar. "Wear those little monsters out."
Just then, firecrackers erupt from behind us and Junior's high pitched excited scream of surprise overpowers the commotion of the parade around us. I can't help but laugh a little bit at the power in that kid's lungs knowing how much it probably gets to Darry and all his desire for order.
"Je-sus Christ." Darry shakes his head at him, "Kiddo…" and just through my own experience of being on the receiving end of that tone, I know he's about to launch into another reprimand. I'm about to shoot him a warning look, because I know now that the last thing he wants to do is to hurt anyone's feelings. But Junior is already looking a bit embarrassed at his outburst. Debbie puts a gentle hand on Darry's shoulder the way couples do to silently communicate their short comings to one another. That's Debbie and Darry, always in sync, always a team. Junior looks back at him with self-conscious eyes, and he takes off on his own by the river.
I can relate.
Darry watches for a moment, looking like he wants to follow, but ultimately shakes his head. I will him to chase after Junior, but he doesn't, and instead takes off in the other direction to round up our lunch of hotdogs from Jim's stand over in the parking lot.
Led Zeppelin's eerie, melancholic guitar solo is what plays next on the speaker for the crowd to hear, and while I wait for Soda to break out his inevitable and famous air picking performance, I can't help but think how odd of a song selection it is for a day of celebration like today. I glance over at the disc jockey tent and see a sixteen year old with a bandana, bobbing his head with the beat like he's the coolest kid around as he cues up the next record. It all makes sense now.
There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold, and she's buying her stairway to heaven.
Soda's arm wraps about my shoulder out of nowhere and he pulls me in close, his grin big and eyes dancing.
"You really gonna leave us all over again for the bright lights and big city, Ponyboy? " He's almost convinced me to stay just those few words.
I clear my throat and look back at him, trying to find the words to talk to him when I didn't used to have to try at all. My head bobs yes.
"I'm really gonna miss you." He subs in for me in my silence, making me ache even more. I miss him already, I have been for months now, but the secrets I can still read behind his face push me a little further away. "Feels like I ain't a whole person without you around, you know?"
Kids splash in the river behind us in my quiet.
"You'll be fine." I attempt finally, aiming for comfort but executing bitterness accidentally, so I top it off with, "You've got a nice life here Soda, I'm real proud of you." I hope he knows, even if we've been a little out of sorts with each other, what I ended on is the most honest I've been in a while.
Still, his expression is incomplete, even as he looks past me at his wife and daughter.
"I'm sorry." He begins, and my body stiffens unexpectedly. "Pony, there's so much I just wish I could..."
He trails off, just as we're getting somewhere, his eyes grow big and horrified all of the sudden, and he smacks me on the chest, straightening his back on high alert. It's moments like this where I think I catch a glimpse of soldier Soda.
"Pony…" he begins, then bolts off past me in the direction he was staring. Confused, I turn to watch him darting towards the river like a firecracker, throwing himself into the water as soon as he reaches the bank.
It isn't until I hear Debbie's shriek and see her following suite that I spot that speck of a kid in the water, struggling to stay just above the surface as the current carries him down stream.
One, two, three. We're missing one kid. Junior.
Darry's still off gathering the hotdogs.
Next thing I know, I'm sprinting along the bank of the rushing water, trying to keep up on land with Junior as he's floating down stream, doing his best to stay afloat. Soda's frantically splashing his arms around in a quick and untidy freestyle, far enough away, but still gaining speed like some sort competitive athlete.
It's hard to see things clearly with my feet hitting the earth so hard and shaking my brain and vision around every time I strike it for more speed, but I can just barely make out the moment Soda catches up with Junior and wraps his arms around him, pulling him in close protectively.
I leap into the water mid-sprint as soon as I've gotten enough ahead of them to account for the water's power, just as Soda grasps at the roots of a fallen tree that obstructs the path of the current to keep the two of them from continuing on downstream. In my own lousy attempt at freestyle, I swim towards them, surprised at the strength the river's got even against someone of my stature.
Junior's clinging to Soda for dear life, his body trembling horribly, too stunned to cry, but he looks okay.
Soda looks back at me with both relief and exhaustion, and passes Junior to me with a huff. The poor kid's eyes are wide like blinking isn't in his capacity just yet.
There's a huge splash from behind me, one that could only belong to Darry, and it takes all of a second before I feel his probing hands grab Junior down the Curtis line from me and safely bring him to the bank. I try to stay on his tail for backup, but he's all paternal adrenaline right now and the water's stronger than I ever would've anticipated.
"You're okay, little buddy." He soothes, setting Junior on a beached rock for examination once they're out. It takes a moment for me to push myself onto land to join them, Junior's cries hiccup in his throat as he tries to process what all has just happened to him. He looks to his dad with big, watery eyes, and a tight grip against Darry's soaking shirt. "You're a tough kiddo, right?"
It takes a moment, and he hesitates, but Junior finally nods back, deciding he's okay. Darry pulls him in close to his chest, and the two hold each other tightly just as Debbie reaches them, her panic completely controlled, trying to maintain the calm that Darry's created.
"You swam so good, honey!" She congratulates only long enough for him to reach for her and bury his face in her shoulder, and then her face scrunches up to stifle a cry as she tries not to think about what could've been.
Grace appears from behind us with the rest of the kids, speaking softly to Maddie and Jackie to assure them everything's okay. Maddie looks like she might have another episode as she stands there completely frozen.
I glance over and down at Soda, who's still treading water, trying to pull himself onto the bank above where we all stand, but not getting anywhere. I offer my hand, and when he takes it, he's all shaky with that grey look about him.
"He okay?" He asks with hardly any noise except for coughing and wheezing as he tries to gesture towards Junior.
I nod and attempt to help him to his feet, but he's clearly worn out and I do almost all of the work myself. He doesn't let go of my hand, even as we're both a safe distance from the water's edge, and I get an uncomfortable feeling from his grip. He stops short, and reaches a clenched and shaky fist to his chest.
"Hey, hey, hey…" I huff out in surprise at how quickly he becomes wobbly, but before I can steady myself enough to steady him, he pulls me to my knees with him in his all too familiar crackling and heaving breaths, his body trying to figure out all of that physical exertion from moments before.
"Soda?" Grace's comfort probes as she kneels next to us with Marley in tow.
Soda waves us off dismissively to signal that he's fine, but the fact that he can't even look up at us when he does so because of his wracking body has us all unconvinced.
Instinctually, my hand goes to his chest because I know it soothes him at least a little, and that's really all anyone can offer in the middle of these things. Ironically, it's his pounding heartbeat that's got me worried.
"It's okay, man." I remember my script with him in these moments. All that frustration and hurt I've felt these last few months somehow completely extinguished when I see that struggle in him. Panic is a real leveler, I realize. "Take it slow, deep breaths." I'm imitating my own directions, trying to inhale and exhale slowly and consistently for him to copy so we can get a rhythm going together, but instead he slaps a sloppy hand on my shoulder, and presses the force of his weight into me to keep himself upright.
Debbie's crouched down with us now, breaking away from Junior who looks like he's forgotten all about his own event, eyes glued on us. My heart skips a bit knowing she wouldn't intervene unless it's getting bad. I try and scoot back a bit to give them some space for air, but Soda's trembling hand quickly and desperately grabs a firm first full of my shirt and pulls me right back next to him so that we're shoulder to shoulder.
My stomach drops. He must be getting scared now.
"I'm right here, Soda. I'm not going anywhere." My voice catches at his urgency. Something about saying that makes me long deeply for him right then even as we couldn't be closer next to each other. Marley starts to whimper in Grace's arms as if she knows something we don't.
"Soda, can you look at me?" Debbie's taking over now with her nurse's patient but commanding tone as her fingers reach under his jawline, but Soda's wheezes are coming stronger and sounding like bubbling gravel as if he's drowning right here on land.
Firecrackers sound off around us, followed by screams of delight from the parade goers, and Soda's body jolts in surprise at each pop, his face getting more panicked. Maybe panic isn't the leveler I thought because I don't think I could ever relate to the level of fear in him right now.
The last thing he needs right now is a flashback, and I realize quickly that's exactly what he's launching into now too.
Grace has hold of his hand, trying to lean into his vision so he can see her and Marley. "Honey, you're safe." Her calming voice tries to pacify us all. "It'll pass, baby, it always does." But I don't think any of us have seen the elements team up against him this strongly to kick him when he's already down. I could kill whoever's responsible for that shrapnel that impaired his lung like this.
He tries to say her name, then Marley's and then he even looks up at me with the most frightened look I've ever seen on him, and when he tries to speak, only an exhausted hoarseness is carried just hardly.
Darry's saying his name somewhere in back of me as Soda arches his back, tightly squeezing his eyes shut moving his face up towards the sky like he's fighting his surrender.
Debbie shoots Darry a look that's hard to miss, giving him a nod that somehow he understands enough to round up the kids and race for the car.
"Debbie?" I beg for translation, but she's locked in on Soda with complete, unbreakable dedication.
"We're going to get you out of here, Soda, don't you worry." Her melody is hopeful, and she's got me fooled until I see her focus in on his lips and their blueish tint.
There's a feeling I get when I look to the west and my spirit is crying for leaving.
I've scrunched up his sopping sleeve in my fist like I'm afraid he'll float away from us or something. He's got ahold of my jeans, tugging me in but I can't get any closer to him than I already am now. I try and tell him him again that we're here.
"C'mon baby." Grace coaches him, and I pray to God she can pull him back from this edge. "Everybody's safe." But his face is strained and ghostly, everything it isn't usually.
Here I am again, front row seat as my feistiest brother's fight begins to give, and no semblance of how to help.
The piper's calling you to join him.
He tries again, "Gracie…" but his body gives out with just enough warning for me to catch him from slumping forward completely.
Darry's station wagon revs from behind us, almost out of control until he slams on the breaks just a few feet, launching himself out of the car and yelling at the kids to stay buckled as he leaves it idling.
"C'mon, little buddy…" Somehow I hear Darry clear as day under his breath over the commotion as he marches towards us, determined brow and jaw clicked in place, even as he looks unbearably scattered like he did after Mom and Dad.
It only takes a few seconds for us to lift Soda's tense frame from the ground and into the back of the car. I don't even realize that Marley's been passed off to me until I hear her cries. As if it's a well-rehearsed routine when it's anything but, I find my post with my eldest brother in the front seat, kicking myself into gear just as Darry's shifting into drive. Suddenly he and I are partners again, completely aligned.
I crank my head to the very back of the Ford where Debbie and Grace sit with him, Grace's pleas for him to stay here echo like some sort of siren nightmare. Jackie's got her eyes glued on me from her spot between her little siblings in the middle seats, Junior's face is glazed over in shock, and Maddie's covering her ears with eyes squeezing shut. When Jackie calls out my name for some reassurance, I don't have the heart for honestly so I just pat her knee gently and crane my neck further to get a better look back there. I can't see where he's laid out because of the kids in the middle seats, but his hand reaches up into view, his fingers grasping the air until they rest on Grace's cheek and she holds it there, nodding at him with words I can't hear.
Darry's cursing, trying his best to ward people off with his rolling car without actually hitting anyone, but they only think he's adding to the noise in celebration, not desperation.
"Police! Get out of the fucking way!" He waves his arms, but they just cheer louder. "Please!"
Grace's staccato no's fill the air, growing from trepid to devastated with each one.
"Darry…" Debbie's call above the chaos is one of horror. Darry and I whip our heads back simultaneously to see Debbie's body bounce as she does compressions on the brother I can't see from my seat at the front.
And as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our souls
Darry lands on the horn just as my built up terror catapults me out of my seat and into the streets with a hysterical Marley still in my arms, clinging tightly to my shirt, and I find myself screaming and begging at the crowd to please move, trying to carve out a path for the car.
Marley's sobbing so hard I can feel her little body against mine hiccuping for air between cries, and it breaks my heart to know I'm only making her more afraid. But I can't stop. We're running out of time and there's too many people and too much noise, and the Galaxie is rolling only by inches.
Not like this. I'll do anything. I plead to whoever might hear me, the paralyzing fear and regret of my deceptive silence towards my brothers these last few months taking over. Not him. Not now. Not after all we've already been through.
I try and fail to ignore how the sirens in the distance harmonize so perfectly with Led Zeppelin's fading tragedy.
And she's buying her Stairway to Heaven.
Author's Note:
Don't hate me... Thanks for reading, as always. I know it's been a bumpy ride in a lot of ways.
In addition to my bamboo plant, I now also own a glass jar to house said bamboo comfortably... but I still don't own The Outsiders like my girl SE Hinton does.
'Can't Take My Eyes Off of You' by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons (1967) is Soda/Grace's 'song' there at the beginning of the parade
'Paradise by the Dashboard Light' by Meat Loaf actually came out in 1977, but let's pretend it was 1976 because for some reason I can totally see Soda thinking about sex in car would be hilarious, AND an accurate origin song for Marley haha.
'Stairway to Heaven' by Led Zeppelin (1971)- I know this song is about so much more than I've painted it here, but in addition to some of Plant and Page's lyrics being pretty damn perfect, it's the orchestration that I felt was needed to drive the intensity of this last scene.