Chapter Forty-Four

Lily sank down into the familiar chair.

Registered the familiar sounds of hushed chatter, faint clattering, feet scuffling on by the doorway; familiar smells that surrounded her; familiar brown eyes that stared straight through her.

It was just as it had always been.

Except, Lily hadn't been here for months.

Not since before Christmas.

Not since before she had made a promise to her little boy; that she would finally let go.

Her voice was quiet when she finally spoke; "Hey, James."

Nothing.

When she and James had been young, early in their relationship when she had fallen pregnant with Harry, they had talked about the future. They had conjured up an idea, a path in their minds that they would follow; where it would lead.

"Do you remember?" She stared at her hands where they lay clasped above the sheets; neither touching nor looking at him; "The three of us; a cottage in the country. You and Harry playing on the grass. Me tending to herbs in the vegetable garden. Maybe another little one there with me." It was something simple; they hadn't overthought it. Just a family; a life.

It was a future she had clung to for years, even after she had lost him. For a long time, it was all she could see; she, James and Harry together. In the little fantasy world that the two of them had conjured up in their youth.

A promise she had held on to.

A fantasy that had slowly eaten away at her reality; a dream that had prevented her from living. Losing herself and missing so much; so much of her little boy's life that, soon, he wouldn't be a little boy anymore. He would be eleven and off to Hogwarts and she'd have missed it all.

It was so far removed from where they were now. And yet not; Harry had a family. A life that she had barely even been present in for the past few years.

"I haven't given him that. I haven't given him anything."

Until recently; until now.

Lily had made a promise and had started moving on without even realising it.

She had done the unthinkable.

She had walked away.

One step after the next until she had suddenly found herself looking into the eyes of another and seeing something more.

Something more than the raw pain of fear and loss that haunted her past and something more than the little spark of an idea for the future that she and James had in their youth.

For the first time in so long, she'd looked at the future and not been afraid of what lay ahead. Had not shied away from it.

Rather than the little fantasy she had held onto in her mind, she had finally looked and seen something real.

It didn't matter, she told herself, that Severus hadn't felt it. That he had shied away from it. That wasn't what was important; she wouldn't demand he be the one if that wasn't what he wanted. He had given her something more that day. More than just hope, it was conviction; the last little bit that she needed to tell her that, yes, she could do this.

She could take the next steps, she could find something more, she could love again.

She could take that vision of the future she had with James and lock it away, finally accept it for what it was; a fantasy.

Lily's eyes flickered back and forth between those of her husband; "I tried, James. I really tried."

But it all felt wrong, somehow.

This new strength.

There was still something here, holding her back, and, she'd realised that morning that she knew what it was. For all her talk of letting go; she hadn't yet found it within herself to say goodbye.

"I don't know if you can hear me. I don't know if you're still there." Lily swallowed, drawing in a breath as she reached for his hand; "If you are, then I'm sorry. But I held on for so long. I've missed too much."

She tightened her hand around his, raising her eyes to look at him; one last time.

"I don't regret a single second…And I won't ever forget."

James only stared back at her.

She lifted her chin, her conviction evident despite the softness in her voice when she spoke again; "I love you so much. But...I have to go."

She stood and leaned over; pressed her lips to his forehead, letting them linger there a second before she breathed out in a whisper; "Goodbye James."

"- the caterers should arrive around noon. And we'll have to see to it that the entertainers are provided with a meal on arrival. Or would you rather we arrange something for after the function? Regulus usually –"

Severus forced himself to stay focused on what Narcissa Malfoy was saying but he hadn't slept a full night all week and he was itching to get on with reading the parchments that lay on the desk; little scratches of information about blood curses that another researcher in Albania had sent him that day.

"Whatever you think is best." Severus said, when Narcissa finally stopped for breath.

At his concession she continued and Severus allowed her to ramble on about the nonsense she had decided to distracted herself with in the aftermath of her sister's death. Her cousin's incapacitation. Lucius had informed him that Narcissa's behaviour had become rather…erratic as a result, wanting to keep busy and find something other than the lingering fear that another attempt against Regulus – or the Blacks in general – could be imminent.

Lucius had wanted to keep both she and Draco in Vienna for the remainder of the year but Narcissa had returned against his wishes; stating she would not be the coward of the family. And, provoking a further row, had defied Lucius' instructions to stay away from the Foundation and approached Severus to be put to work on the upcoming functions that Regulus had previously given the go-ahead.

Lucius was not pleased.

But, unable to stop her, he had gone to Severus instead and asked him – rather, instructed him – that Narcissa be kept safe and under his protection throughout the time she was there.

Severus reached up, pressing his fingers to his temples, willing the dull aching that thudded within his skull to cease. He accioed a vial from the cabinet, downing the pain suppressant in one quick gulp, as Narcissa carried on discussing the finer details of the Fundraising event she was planning which was also to serve as a memorial to the six who had died in Eugene's attack.

"Severus." Her voice took on a concerned note; "You don't look well."

He met her eyes sharply.

Narcissa was regarding him in that clucky-mother-hen way that women were so apt to do whenever they thought the situation warranted it.

Severus waved a hand, dismissively; "A mere headache."

"How have you been doing?"

"Fine."

Narcissa looked sceptical; "You don't look fine. Have you been sleeping? I know Lucius said you have been concerning yourself with finding a counter-curse for Regulus."

Severus gave a noncommittal shrug, fingering the parchments on his desk. Applications for the various roles that had suddenly opened up within the Foundation, in light of the recently dead.

"Narcissa, I am grateful for the concern but I'm sure you're aware that I've endured worse than a little sleep deprivation," Severus stated, when he saw she was about to go on.

"Nevertheless, I insist we take Malachi for the weekend. It will give you the chance to rest. And…it would be good to see him."

Severus hesitated, meeting her eyes, forcing himself not to jump at the chance and appear too eager to have the boy go away for a little while. He had so far spent seven days and nights with him – in the tiny cramped quarters of his at Hogwarts, to boot, Newton's no longer safe in light of the knowledge about Eugene – and, as much as he may like him, taking care of a child was exhausting and a waste of his energy.

Especially at this time, when he wanted nothing more than to be working on helping Regulus, barely having the time to do so while he juggled the unpleasantness of childcare with interviewing various dunderheads for the new vacancies, meetings with Department Heads about subjects he knew very little about, while balancing Regulus' responsibilities within the Foundation with his own in the Research department.

Not to mention the fact that the new intake of students at Hogwarts seemed to be particularly stupid this year.

He simply did not have the time to take care of Malachi properly. And the newfound buoyancy the child had acquired having spent three weeks with his insufferable uncle had not helped matters, with the boy frequently asking Severus to take him flying on his new broom.

"Of course. I would not deprive the child of the chance to spend time with family," Severus said simply. Narcissa fought a smile.

"How is he?"

"He is well."

Narcissa looked surprised; "Really? He hasn't been asking about Reg?"

Severus paused, frowning a little; "I…" Now that he thought about it Malachi had asked frequently about his father, often asking if they could visit or if the Healers had managed to do anything more for him.

"He's concerned."

Narcissa nodded, slowly, looking down at her hands. Her voice was quiet when she spoke; "Is there a chance for him, Severus?"

Severus was silent for a moment and she went on.

"Lucius believes it's only a matter of time."

She met his eyes when he said nothing; he looked away.

Regulus dying.

It was not something he had allowed himself to dwell to deeply on the past few weeks, focusing any and all spare time and energy that he had on finding a cure. A counter curse.

Eugene Hopkins was still at large, the Aurors having found no trace.

Even if Severus could not discover the particulars. Even if he could not fashion a cure himself. There was still a flicker of a chance; the Dark Lord.

The Dark Mark had not yet burned black but there was a faint sting that had gradually made itself known.

Even if Regulus' loyalties were questioned, Severus doubted his old master would simply stand back and allow him to wither away and die over some blood curse that had been cast; no, at the very least he would revive him if only to make him suffer his wrath before ultimately killing him.

It wasn't exactly a preferable option but Regulus' chances of survival were much better now.

It was ironic, that the very event he and Regulus had dreaded and wished to prevent for so long was now the latter's best hope.

All Severus had to do was ensure that nothing arose to make the currently active Death Eaters question Regulus' standing. And, if any of them did, that they be prevented from relaying it to their master when he returned.

This new surge of support from the public towards Regulus made that slightly…complicated. They could not have chosen a worse time to rally behind him. But that could be explained away if Regulus could only think quickly on his feet; if the Dark Lord were to revive Regulus he would have mere seconds to gather his thoughts, to figure out what had happened and who he was facing and to make a convincing appearance of servitude to him.

Regulus had been good at hiding his emotions from others so far for the past few years.

Severus only hoped it could stand the ultimate test.

"So, you're happy with the particulars then?"

Severus met Narcissa's eyes, drawn from his thoughts. She raised her eyebrows, expectantly.

"The particulars?"

"For the Fundraiser."

"Ah. Yes. Whatever you want to do is fine, Narcissa," Severus said, feeling suddenly drained. He passed a hand through his hair, before reaching for the schedule for the next day; "You'll find Malachi in the Learning Centre."

Narcissa nodded, standing and taking her leave. Severus, in his weariness, almost forgot to stand and awkwardly got to his feet; "If he is any trouble just –"

"He won't be, Severus." She smiled at him warmly and then she gave a jolt; "Oh. I almost forgot." She reached into her robes, tugging out a small, wrapped package; "Lucius asked me to give this to you."

She held it out and he took it, curiously; turning it over in hands. A book.

"He asked that you treat it with…discretion."

Severus paused, meeting her eyes.

She shot him a meaningful look in response, easily confirming his suspicions.

Why had she not given him this at the start?

He cleared his throat, straightening; "Of course."

Narcissa gave him a small smile and nodded but seemed hesitant to leave. Severus wished she would, eager to investigate Lucius' findings, his fingers drumming impatiently against the paper that concealed the hardback within his hands.

"Severus."

He raised an enquiring eyebrow.

"Be careful. There are some things… things that Regulus would not want you to do."

Severus frowned.

Narcissa held his eyes meaningfully before she nodded and stepped back, her smile brightening and, for all intents and purposes, it looked incredibly convincing and Severus almost marvelled at it. At the way the Blacks could muster up such convincingly jovial fronts.

"I'll see you again soon."

He nodded his goodbye, waiting until she had stepped from the room, the door clicking shut behind her before he tore the paper from the object in his hand, glancing down at the title Lucius had managed to acquire.

The Darkest Arts: The Mysteries of Blood and Souls

There was an incessant tapping.

It nudged him to consciousness.

Severus bolted upright. Blinked. And then realised he had fallen asleep at his desk at the Foundation, head atop of the book that Lucius had given him. He glanced at the timepiece on the wall; 11.40pm.

The tapping started up again and he realised it was a knocking; someone at the door.

Severus frowned, closing the book, wondering who would still be in the building at such an hour; "Enter."

The door opened slowly and the offender peeked their head inside.

Lily.

Severus smiled before he could help himself and she returned it, his response seeming to give her the confidence to step in fully and shut the door behind her; "I saw your light on. It's late."

"It is. I'm surprised you're still here."

"A few of us still are; we're well behind. Chesney is brewing a formation and we wanted to see the results."

Severus didn't say anything, content simply to listen to the sound of her voice. He hadn't seen her in a few days and, even when he had when the project had commenced on the Monday, he hadn't had time to speak with her properly.

But that was probably for the best.

It wouldn't do for them to be noticed; to be talked about as they had been before. Severus had been concerned about the implications of Lucius, of Death Eaters hearing or suspecting something; wanted to keep Lily completely off of the Dark Lord's radar when he returned. But Severus had not counted on the fact that dangers lay within the Foundation walls, also.

"How are you?" Lily was looking at him with the same concerned expression Narcissa had regarded him with.

Severus nodded; "Well."

A little puff of air escaped her lips; "Yes, you look it."

His lips twitched and he longed to stand, to go to her. He stayed seated.

Lily stepped closer, coming to the desk, and he subtly drew a piece of parchment over to cover the book he had been reading; an old habit from their friendship, their time before, when they had bickered and debated heatedly over the Dark Arts and his interest in them.

Lily looked a little uncomfortable, like she wasn't sure if she should be there at all. Really, she shouldn't. But Severus didn't have the strength to send her away. He cast a quiet muffliato instead, casually flicking his wand to close the blinds of the window behind him.

Lily sat down, not questioning it.

"I wanted to come and see you sooner but I guessed you were busy."

Severus nodded, waving a hand at the parchments scattered across the desk; "Mostly interviews. The Department Heads offered to deal with them but…in light of recent events, I wished to screen them myself."

"I can see why you would." Lily glanced at them, tilting her head curiously; "Head of Research – shouldn't the role go to you?"

"I don't have time for it."

"Not even when Regulus comes back?"

"Hogwarts."

"Oh."

Lily spoke as if Regulus' recovery was certain, that it was only a matter of time before he was to return; Severus preferred that. Her optimism was a quality of hers that he had both loved and that had irritated him ever since they were children; he could rarely muster up any of his own but hers was like a light that he couldn't help but follow.

"And did any of them survive the test?"

Severus rolled his eyes and his own lips twitched; "No."

She shook her head, grinning widely, the last of her discomfort seeming to fade away; "I doubt any of them would be able to impress you, Sev." She reached for an application, eyes glancing quickly over the page; "Look, here's someone who ran the Slugg Scholarships; surely they'd have some useful qualities and connections to bring to the Foundation?"

"He smiled too much."

Lily laughed.

"Sev –"

"Someone who smiles so much cannot be genuine."

Lily met his eyes, raising an eyebrow; "I smile a lot."

Severus nodded, slowly; "That you do. But I can see that…" He hesitated, anything he planned to say sounding far too overly-sentimental to be voiced.

He cleared his throat, averting his eyes, and when he looked back she had turned her attention back to the parchments on the desk, but he could see a faint blush on her cheeks, an appealing little dimple gracing the side of her mouth and he could roll his eyes at himself for thinking how adorable she looked.

Lily had almost kissed him some weeks before.

The thought came to him quickly; the little longing that tugged in his stomach as he looked at her now reminding him of that. He remembered the feel of his hands in hers and her breath against his skin, so close, and he felt the longing intensify.

Lily's eyes flicked from the parchments, up to his, and she gave him an adorable, mischievous smile, oblivious to his musings.

She leaned back, lifting the parchment she held; "Evangeline Freymore. A leading Healer in the Erienta Clan in the Philippines – this is the cult Julia used to run with."

"Ah." Severus remembered the odd, eccentric witch he had interviewed earlier that day; "Flighty."

Lily chuckled, reaching for another application, and before he could do anything, she pulled the piece of parchment he had moved to cover the Dark Arts book Narcissa had given him. Lily didn't seem to notice at first, her eyes going to the application she had picked up.

She glanced over it while he unconsciously tensed, glancing down at the book; wondering if he would be able to pick it up and put it on a shelf without her noticing what it was.

But no, it didn't take her long to notice. She seemed to pick up on his tenseness, glancing at him, and then down; her eyes landing on the title.

Lily only stared at it for a few seconds until after a moment, she drew in a breath, looking back at the parchment she was holding; "This one sounds promising." Her voice had lost its playful edge, the lightness she had been speaking with a moment before, but he appreciated her attempt at feigning it; "Five years working with rare species in South America." Lily nodded, trying to keep up her air of indifference; "Interesting."

Severus watched her, as she pretended to read it. She didn't meet his eyes but he noticed her eyes flick in the direction of the book once more, just for a second.

He shifted and she looked up. She gave a smile, a forced one.

"As I can tell when your smiles are genuine, Lily, I am also aware when they are not."

Lily looked hesitantly at him, her smile fading, and he caught a glimpse of surprise in her eyes. He had surprised himself. In the past, he was never the one to broach the subject, not since the first time he had gone to her with a discovery he had made while reading about the Dark Arts. Excited and desperate to share his findings with his best friend.

Lily hadn't wanted to hear it.

The Dark Arts were evil. End of.

And Severus hadn't approached her about them since. Never wanting to experience the twist of disappointment, of shame in his gut that came when she had looked at him back then, green eyes suspicious and disapproving.

Now, though, he felt the sudden need to explain. To make her see.

"I have to." His voice was calm; "For Regulus."

Lily held his look. After a second, she nodded, slowly; "I know."

She drew in a breath, meeting his eyes; "Why can't you cure it with Light Magic?"

"You know why, Lily. A curse can only be lifted by that which forged it."

"But Dark Magic was used in Hogwarts all the time by Slytherin's; we were able to lift those hexes and jinxes easily."

"Yes. With Dark Magic."

Lily looked doubtful.

"Dark Magic is not used only for malevolent purposes. Nevertheless, the lifting of hexes and jinxes hardly make a mark on a soul. Even hexing and jinxing are miniscule in the grander scheme. It is only when the magic is particularly advanced that it begins to erode."

"That doesn't make sense –"

"Doesn't it? Dark Magic is defined by drawing on a source that is considered unnatural; in most cases, that is the soul of the caster, leading to the corruption you speak of. But there are other sources. Someone particularly powerful may draw on the elements, although that can be temperamental at best. Someone more so may be able to redirect the aftershock to draw upon the soul of the person against whom they are cursing, leading to the destruction of the mind. That, I believe, is what happened to your husband?"

Lily jerked slightly, looking both surprised and shaken at his mentioning of James Potter.

"Some are able to fuel the magic by blood; an ancient art that fell away with time. That is what we are dealing with here."

Lily glanced back at the book, mulling over his words.

Severus fingered it; "Information regarding it is as rare as the magic itself."

"Then where did you get that?"

Severus met her eyes; "Just trust me, Lily."

Lily held his eyes before she nodded, slowly; "I do." She shifted; "I just…I don't…"

"Understand?"

Lily's eyes narrowed.

Severus crossed his arms across his chest, leaning back; "Your father. He was a doctor, wasn't he?"

She nodded, needlessly; Severus remembered her parents well. Her father was a doctor; her mother a teacher.

"And he specialised in a particularly nasty muggle disease; was it not necessary for him to study it, to learn all he could about it, in order to be able to do all he could to fight it?"

"That's hardly the same," Lily insisted; "Learning about and fighting it didn't put his soul in danger, Severus."

"My soul is perfectly fine," Severus assured her; "I'm not a fool, Lily. I know how to protect myself."

Lily sighed, nodding; "Okay. Right. I get it."

A silence descended over them, though there was an understanding in the air that had never been there in the past. This time, she did get it. That if they were going to fight the Dark Arts, they needed to know all they could about it.

Severus never really understood people's reluctance to learn all they could about them.

Surely even those who believed them to believe to be the ultimate evil were aware of the fact that it paid to know your enemy.

Especially considering that they had been fighting a war that relied upon them so heavily.

And it wasn't as if those on the side of the light were so noble that they wanted nothing to do with the Dark Arts; the Ministry had legalised the use of the Unforgivables. Dumbledore's men, the Aurors, they had used them just as the Death Eaters had back then.

It was senseless; their decision to remain ignorant.

"If it's happening again," Lily finally spoke up; "Then we should know how to fight them."

Severus tilted his head, as she put voice to his thoughts; "That would be advisable."

"Sirius spoke with Dumbledore a few weeks ago, when the Death Eaters first began to rise. He told me it's only a matter of time before he calls on the Order."

Severus eyed her, not liking the turn of conversation; "I see."

"I'm a little rusty…You know, at duelling."

"Then don't."

Severus knew very well what Lily was getting at; the Order would reform and she would be with them. She would be fighting with them.

That would not do.

How was he supposed to keep her concealed from the Dark Lord, keep her apart from his notice, if she was outright fighting against him. Against the Death Eaters. The Order members were particularly coveted kills.

Lily raised an eyebrow; "I can handle myself, Severus."

"You just said you can't duel."

"I didn't say I can't duel. I said I needed practice. It has been six years."

"Lily –" Severus cut himself off, hearing the pleading in his voice. He glanced away, before looking back at her; "Surely, having being one of those hunted specifically in the last war, you can see how…imprudent it would be to draw attention to yourself."

"I was hunted by Voldemort, Severus. He's dead. Me being involved would not draw any more attention than anyone else re-joining."

Severus pursed his lips together, averting his eyes.

"Will you show me?"

"Show you what?"

"How to fight them. The Dark Arts."

Severus eyed her, uncertainly.

He didn't want to show her; to train her up. He wanted to take her and lock her in a cupboard until all this was over and there was no danger to her whatsoever. He wanted to tell her that she was being foolish; convince her to run, hide.

But he knew how such a suggestion would be taken; Lily would not hide. She would fight.

There was a set determination in her eyes that told him that, even if he refused her request – which he had a very strong inclination that she knew he wouldn't – that she would just go ahead and fight anyway. And would he really let her do that, go back into the fight, without knowledge that he could provide her with that could potentially save her life?

No. He wouldn't.

They both knew that.

If she was going to fight, he would do everything he could to make sure she was prepared. If he could not conceal her, could not protect her, he would make damn sure she was able to protect herself.

Severus pulled his wand from his sleeve, standing; "Very well."

Lily looked up at him, surprise suddenly evident in her features; "Wha – now?" Her eyes went to the timepiece.

Severus' own followed; it was past midnight.

"Yes. Now."

It was actually ideal.

It would not do for someone to spot him training her and that was far less likely to happen in the dead of night.

Lily was looking at him uncertainly, like he was crazy, but she seemed reluctant to refuse the offer now that she had secured it. She drew in a breath and nodded, standing, and drawing her own wand; "Alright."

Severus gave a brief flick and all the furniture in the room shrunk and moved aside, up against the walls.

He reached out for her arm, letting his fingers linger there for a moment after he had guided her to the other side of the room; unable to resist the opportunity to touch.

Severus took a place opposite, several feet away, and raised an eyebrow.

"You first."