Chapter Forty-Five

"Petrificus Totalus!"

Blocked.

"Vaporus!"

Steam suddenly filled the room and, before Severus could clear it she sent the curse he had asked for; "Einlatus!"

She heard a yelp escape him, as the vapour quickly vanished, and Severus stood, doubled over, with his hands to his ears; fingers digging into his temples.

Lily hurried over, quickly casting the counter-curse; "I'm sorry!" She grasped his arm, as he gradually lowered his hands. Lily noticed a little bit of blood on his palm.

Severus met her eyes and she shook her head, apologising again, and he raised an eyebrow; "Better."

He straightened up and she stepped back, reluctantly letting go of his arm, feeling terrible that she had actually caused him pain; "I –"

"Lily, it is a wonder you have survived any duels when you demonstrate so much remorse over casting a simple curse during a practice session."

Lily pursed her lips together, feeling irritated; "I told you. I don't want to hurt you."

"If you're serious about this then pain is necessary."

He nodded towards the other side of the room, indicating that she go back.

Lily headed over, speaking as she did so; "It's not exactly a practice session when you're not fighting back."

"I'm assessing your abilities."

Lily shot him a look over her shoulder.

Severus rolled his eyes; "I shall engage you, if that would make it a more authentic experience for you."

"It would." She took her place.

She raised her eyebrows, expectantly, an indication that he should start this time and he sent a hex her way; she blocked it, quickly sending one towards him.

"Expelliarmus!"

"You know non-verbal spells I presume?"

"Some."

Not a lot. She hadn't really needed them; everyone shouted and yelled their spells during the battles. Any non-verbals she knew she had learned from Severus when they were at Hogwarts. She could perform an 'accio' without speaking, a 'lumos', a few transfiguration charms but the only really defensive or aggressive spell she could cast non-verbally was the 'levicorpus'.

"Concentrate." Severus' voice was snappy.

Lily sent a stinging hex his way, striking him on the arm; he sent a corresponding one at her and she ducked, only to be hit by a second and she felt her legs wobble beneath her.

"Locomotor mortis!"

Severus deflected it.

"Expelliarmus!"

Blocked.

Lily quickly cast the counter-spell to the jelly-legs hex Severus had cast on her before she sent another spell his way; the only non-verbal she knew and the one Severus had taught her himself.

Levicorpus.

Severus was suddenly upside down. He titled his head upwards and glanced down at the ground beneath him, then lowered his chin and met her eyes. He raised an eyebrow; "This is familiar."

Lily felt suddenly uneasy; the amusing irony of using one of the spells he had taught her fading away as another memory came back to her. To them both, considering what he had just said.

Lily made to apologise but she was suddenly hit with a body-bind curse – her speciality – and hit the ground.

Lily glared up at him from where she now lay immobile on the ground.

"You're too driven by your emotions," Severus stated, as he released himself from the levicorpus spell she had cast, landing inelegantly in a heap on the ground next to her. He got to his feet, releasing her with a wave of his wand. He reached down, helping her to her feet, even though she didn't need it.

"I didn't think I was that bad."

"You hesitated. In a real battle that would prove deadly."

"You know why I stopped, Sev."

Severus crossed his arms across his chest, though his eyes softened as he looked down at her; "I thought we agreed months ago to leave the past in the past."

"We did. But –"

"No buts, Lily. It does no good for us to dwell on events that have long since passed." His uncrossed his arms; "Do not let your emotions guide you."

Lily opened her mouth to speak but he stepped back.

"Emotions make you readable. Your opponents can easily pick up on your next move. You need to keep control. Discipline your mind."

Lily thought about what he was saying. And then she frowned, raising her eyes to his. He met her look evenly.

Lily straightened, indignantly; "You were using legilliemency."

"Only when it could not be helped. Although it was hardly necessary."

"That's cheating!"

"There's no cheating when it comes to battling to the death."

"And we were battling to the death?"

"I'll assume the question is rhetorical, as you're still breathing."

And then his Professor-mode fell away and he smirked. Lily shoved against him; "You're such an ass."

"I have my moments." Severus conceded, looking away, and Lily thought she felt his hand graze her arm from a second before he took a step back.

Lily ran a hand through her hair as she considered what he had just said; he had used legilliemency and, it seemed, that was a huge advantage over an opponent. Her thoughts didn't need to be voiced as they were so obvious but the consideration that followed did.

"Are any of the other Death Eaters skilled in legilliemency?"

Severus met her eyes.

After all, if the Death Eaters could simply read her mind, the mind of the others fighting for the Order, then they didn't stand a chance. They would know what they were going to do before they even did it.

Severus shook her head when she expressed her fears; "It doesn't work that way. A Legillimens cannot read minds; they can only see glimpses into the mind of memories, not thoughts, and from that they can make their own deductions of facts. It is almost impossible for a legillimens to maintain the sort of focus necessary to do so in battle and anticipate another's move."

He tucked away his wand; "It is used mostly as a means of identifying deceit. Often, when a person is untrue, memories will arise that contradict the lie."

Lily was confused; "But you just admitted you were using legilliemency."

"Sometimes, if the opponent is motivated or under the influence of a particular emotion, the resulting weakening of the mind's defences make it easier for me to anticipate their intentions."

"An emotion? What kind?"

"Anything that leads to a loss of control. Hate. Anger."

Lily did not remember feeling either during their duel. She made to voice that and then hesitated when Severus glanced away from her, not meeting her eyes.

Oh.

Lily paused and then suddenly found herself immensely curious; "What do you see when you look into my mind?"

Severus met her eyes.

"Lily. I haven't looked."

"You just said you did."

"During the duel. And it could not be helped."

Lily frowned; "But if you could read me and I am as transparent as you say, shouldn't I take measures to conceal the thoughts?"

"Like I said, legilliemency during battle is incredibly hard to accomplish."

At her sceptical look he went on.

"In such circumstances a legillimens only sees what you allow them to see."

"And you block what you don't allow with occlumency."

"It helps if you do not wear your heart on your sleeve. But yes, under normal circumstances, occlumency is the necessary way."

"Which I don't know."

"You do not need occlumency, Lily; the reason I can see what you are planning to do is because you have left your mind open to me."

Lily was confused at the statement, at the implication that her mind was open only to him, and she wondered what he meant. Severus glanced away when she held his eyes too long.

Other-Severus was reverting back to One-Foot-Out-the-Door-Severus.

"Teach me."

She blurted it out, wanting to halt the Jekyll-to-Hyde transformation she was certain was coming.

Severus met her eyes.

She straightened; "You can look."

Severus looked uneasy, shaking his head; "It is not necessary. It would be…a waste of time."

Lily only raised an eyebrow, holding his gaze. And, after a moment, he sighed and she knew he'd given in.

Severus didn't want to look into Lily's mind.

It was habit, to use legilliemency during battles; it was the way he fought. Always had been.

But he had never been able to see into another's mind so easily during a duel before. Her defences were down, utterly and completely, and he easily caught glimpses of her intentions. He caught little flashes of the Edna Creek battle he mentioned, as she tried to remember if she had seen him there.

He caught glimpses of himself and Lily sitting at a desk in Potions, a memory he knew to be of himself teaching her the new spell he had created. Levicorpus.

He saw himself suspended in the air by one James Potter and his insufferable cronies; Lily standing before him. Mudblood echoing in his ears.

To actually use Legilliemency, in the manner in which she was asking, would be foolish. The glimpses during the duel were enough to leave him shaken.

He did not want to see any more.

"Okay, so, how does it work?" Lily was suddenly right in front of him, very close.

Severus jerked back, surprised by the sudden proximity.

Lily frowned.

Severus cleared his throat; "We – you – it is not necessary for us to – "

Why was he stammering? Apparently those tiny glimpses were enough to make him revert back to the bumbling adolescent he had been in those memories.

Blast it all.

Severus cleared his throat, gathering his composure. He reached out, putting his hands on her shoulders and guiding her a couple of steps backwards; "It is not necessary to stand so close. The spell can be performed at distance."

Lily looked a little confused and then she bit her lip, fighting a smile, and looked away.

Severus briefly wondered what was so amusing but didn't dwell on it; "Clear you mind. Of everything. Think of nothing."

"Okay." She nodded; "I'm ready."

Severus drew in a breath and raised his wand, speaking the incantation with such reluctance that he was surprised it worked at all; "Legillimens."

He was careful to only brush the surface.

Her mind was not blank.

Little Harry Potter floated on by; a memory of him sitting at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. Smiling, talking to her.

Severus drew back.

"Huh." Lily breathed out, looking awed; "That…that was weird."

"You were supposed to clear your mind." But Severus was glad that she had drawn up such a trivial memory for him to view.

Lily shot him a look; "And you were supposed to be looking into it, the way a Death Eater would. Not petting it. I may be inexperienced but I know that a legillimens isn't restricted to viewing only what my son was having for breakfast that morning."

"It is your mind. I have no control over what it holds."

Lily rolled her eyes, tilting her head to the side.

Severus cleared his throat; "What do you know about occlumency?"

"Uh…it's a shield against…legilliemency?"

"At its most basic, yes. It also had other benefits; it can protect the mind against attacks of most kinds. The neurological effects of the Cruciatus; the use of an opponent relying on the redirection of a Dark spell's effects to draw on another's soul for sustenance; it can protect the mind against the addictive nature of the Dark Arts."

"All these benefits and yet you don't want to teach me," Lily said, with a grin.

Severus met her eyes; knowing she was right and that teaching her occlumency could only be advantageous.

"Legilliemency is not entirely…pleasant."

Lily straightened up, readying herself; "Okay. Go."

"Have you cleared you mind?"

"It was clear. But now I'm feeling impatient."

"Clear your mind."

Lily shot him a glare.

He raised his wand, casting the incantation again, delving deeper this time and Severus suddenly found himself staring into the pretty-much-dead eyes of James Potter. Lily pressed her lips to his forehead; spoke a quiet goodbye.

Severus felt Lily fight against the memory, a recent one, and he quickly drew back.

An uncomfortable silence followed.

Snide comments about her inability to keep her mind clear died on his tongue; his discomfort and his confusion over what he had seen rendering him speechless. Lily saying goodbye to Potter.

Severus glanced at her, subtly, and noticed for the first time that night; she wasn't wearing her wedding ring.

Lily's hand suddenly came up, thumb and forefinger rubbing the bare skin where her wedding band ought to be. He lifted his eyes, meeting hers, and they held one another's gaze for a second before he looked away.

Uncertain about how the unexpected memory, and the ensuing discovery, made him feel, he forced himself to focus on the task at hand.

"I'm sorry. I…"

Severus looked back at her when she spoke.

She swallowed, shaking her head; "I didn't mean for you to have to see that."

Severus cleared his throat; "Until you have mastered it, you will struggle to maintain control over what it is I see. If you would rather we cease –"

"No no," Lily said quickly, shaking her head; "It's fine. I don't mind."

Severus eyed her, before he gave a curt nod; "Alright." He turned to face her more fully and he raised an eyebrow this time, silently telling her to prepare herself.

She gave a nod and, seconds later, he was back inside.

This time, he was suddenly surrounded by memories of himself and Lily. Back when they were children. Severus could have rolled his eyes; this was not what she was supposed to be doing. Her mind was to be clear; instead, she had simply chosen memories she considered to be 'safe' for them to view together.

The whole point of occlumency was that she block his invasion. And yet, Severus couldn't find it within himself to pull away; drawn in by the memories she offered up to him.

Little Lily jumped onto his back down by the river.

"Tell me about Hogwarts again, Sev."

The boy that was him held up a spell book he had found in his mother's bedroom. Lily smiled excitedly, tucking her legs beneath her and leaning in close to him to read the pages.

"Does it make a difference, being muggleborn?"

Lily wrapped her arms around his neck in a hug.

Severus lay down next to her on the grass.

"Sev...Have you ever kissed anyone?"

The memories scattered and another one came in its place; they were suddenly older. They were the people they were now. He was taking her hand and she was staring into his eyes and then her face moved closer to his.

Severus felt Lily fight against the memory but, before he could withdraw, he was suddenly hit with memories of James Potter.

James Potter taking Lily's hand.

"So how does this compare to a date with the Giant Squid?"

James Potter pressing a kiss to her lips.

James Potter getting down on one knee.

"Marry me, Evans. What do you say?"

And the previously warm feelings that had risen within him as they had looked at memories of themselves dwindled, replaced instead by that distinct burning hatred he could never control when he thought about that man.

Lily's voice sounded distant; "Protego!"

And then, suddenly, they weren't looking at Lily's memories anymore.

They were looking at his. His own defences weakened by his emotions, just as he had warned Lily about this very night.

Potter wrapping his scarf around Lily's neck in Hogsmeade.

Potter and Lily walking hand and hand down the corridors of Hogwarts.

Potter making an overdramatic declaration of love for Lily Evans as he stood atop the Gryffindor table while she smiled, blushingly, from below.

Severus rallied against the memories; pushing thoughts of James Potter and Lily Evans away.

"Watch your step, Snivellus!"

Twelve years old, a curse hit him from behind as he made his way down the stairs of Hogwarts, sending him tumbling.

Potter grabbed him by the arm, hauling him backwards down the tunnel from the Shrieking Shack, as Severus frantically swung his arm, firing a curse at the werewolf that snarled and lunged at them.

"Don't hurt him!"

"Are you fucking kidding me, Potter!"

And then he was suddenly hoisted into the air by the ankle. Soap was in his mouth. James Potter's grinning face was in front of him.

"Filthy little mudblood."

Lily was running away.

Severus felt his back hit the floor as he threw her from his mind and it took a second for him to gather his bearings.

He was on the floor and so was Lily, a few feet away from him.

Severus closed his eyes; well, that went just as brilliantly as he had imagined it would.

He cleared his throat, brushing down his robes, and got to his feet; trying to muster up as much composure as he could, considering the circumstances.

Considering that he had just witnessed the most repellent sight of Lily and Potter in all their love-up glory, just as he remembered it from his youth. And then Lily had then had the pleasure of witnessing him in all his pathetic adolescent glory.

Keep the past in the past he had said, not an hour or so ago, and now it had come back with a vengeance to slap them in the face.

But that wasn't all. That wasn't even the worst of it. He had lost control. Lost control of his own mind in a way he hadn't done in a long time.

And now was most definitely not the time for him to begin losing grip.

"I'm sorry."

Severus looked down at her, where she was still on the floor. For a second he could only stare; this woman whose presence, alone, was enough to send his mind reeling.

Severus cleared his throat, willing himself to remain calm, even if he did feel incredibly rattled. Lucius' earlier warning suddenly seeming far more poignant; Lily Potter was a weakness that was going to get him killed.

He stepped towards her, reaching down and pulling her up; "It is a natural response; to respond with a spell when your mind is attacked."

Lily's eyes glistened and Severus was suddenly struck with the realisation that she might actually cry.

Splendid.

Just when he thought the night couldn't get any better.

"That's not what I meant." Her voice quavered; "I –"

"Lily." His own voice sounded weary; "Don't."

Lily's eyes flicked back and forth between his and he started to draw back; wanting – needing – to put some distance between them.

But then she stepped forward and pressed her face into the crook between his neck and his shoulder; her arms wrapping tight around his waist.

Severus closed his eyes, drawing in a breath, his hands gripping the tops of her arms. He held her there for a moment, let her press tightly against him because, as was always the case, he could never refuse her.

Severus Snape could never be strong when it came to Lily Evans.

His hands tightened and he pulled her from him; "It is late."

Lily lifted her chin to look at him, right at him.

He glanced at the timepiece; an excuse to break eye contact with her. It was now after 2am. His eyes went to the ground, as he took a step back, his hands releasing her.

"You should go."

He turned away, waving his wand and transforming the furniture back to its original state.

He went behind the desk, sitting down, not looking at her even if he knew she was still standing where he had left her. Watching him.

He drew in a breath, lifting his eyes from the parchments he was gathering up. He raised an eyebrow at her, questioningly.

Lily looked desperately like she wanted to speak. That she had something to say.

But she didn't.

She sniffed, reaching up and swiping an eye with the back of her hand and nodded; "Well, goodnight."

Severus gave a nod, saying nothing, and turned his attention back to the parchments he was needlessly organising, not stopping his movement until Lily stepped from the room, the door clicking shut behind her.