Chapter Forty-Seven

"Offensio Unda!"

Severus was blasted across the room, hitting the wall behind, and Lily cringed at the impact but forced herself not to hesitate or apologise or go to him; really, anything that seemed to invoke the ire of her companion. Which was a lot these past couple of weeks.

While he had started off warm, seemed to open up again, during the first of these sessions, the ensuing disaster of the 'occlumency incident' had seemed to lead him to become more closed off than ever. And she had known better than to suggested further instruction in the practice. Actually, she hadn't intended on coming back for further advice in combat either – wanting to pretend the whole thing had never happened in the first place – but Severus had mentioned, offhandedly, when they had passed in the corridors a couple of days later that he was available that evening if she wanted to continue.

She hadn't wanted to pass up the chance.

Lily threw up a shield charm as Severus sent a stunning spell her way; threw back an 'Einlatus' curse in response that he deflected as he got back to his feet.

A flash of lights filled the room, as the duel continued. Faster than before, less hesitation on either side. Severus had been adamant that she stops holding back and fight the way she would if he were her enemy and had been quite happy to provoke her to it, by implying that she had merely 'been carried along by Sirius Black and her husband's flight of fancy' by joining the Order in the first place.

That had done it.

If Severus wanted to see how she could fight, then so be it. And it had been that way in their duels ever since.

Lily yelped as she hit the ground, one of Severus' spells striking her, and she felt the familiar blistering of a stinging hex shoot from her leg and up her side.

Severus hesitated.

Lily narrowed her eyes at him, firing another hex his way from where she was on the ground; casting a quick healing charm while he was distracted throwing up a shield.

Oh yes, it was okay for Severus to hesitate when she went down but Merlin forbid she should do so when it was him hitting the floor.

She had said as much during one of their earlier sessions and he had only glowered at her. Because she had pointed out that she had managed to floor him on more than one occasion or for some other reason, she didn't know.

Before she got to her feet another spell hit her; a body bind.

And she found herself back on the stone concrete of the office, immobile, with the exception of her eyes which glared up at Severus as he approached with an infuriating little grin on his face.

"Give up?"

She only continued to glower, which she figured was an excellent impression of him from the past few weeks.

Severus waved his wand, freeing her, and she pushed herself up, ignoring his attempt to help her to her feet.

She reached up, brushing a hand through her hair, and felt the damp sweat on her forehead when she did so, looking down at her hand with a look of disgust at the light sheen it had transferred to her palm. Gross.

Lily lifted her eyes, catching Severus watching her; his eyes dark as they skimmed over her. But when they met hers he started slightly, averting his eyes.

Lily felt a smile tug at her lips but supressed it when he looked back at her; "Again?"

Lily glanced at the timepiece; it was almost midnight.

"I'd better go."

Severus nodded, not protesting, and waved his wand as he turned away from her; the furniture he had charmed returning to their normal places and sizes.

Lily hesitated when he went back around the other side of the desk, taking a seat. Offering her neither a parting look nor comment.

"Or, I could stay." She found herself saying, drawing his attention from the book he had pulled towards himself.

"We could…" Her eyes glanced around the room, thinking of an excuse. Her eyes landed on the bottle of firewhiskey on the shelf, which she didn't even know Severus' drank; "Have a nightcap."

Severus glanced from her up to the bottle behind him, then met her eyes, his expression seeming to shut down completely; "I have work to do."

Silence.

"Sorry." He added, after a second, not sounding apologetic in the slightest and he didn't meet her eyes; already looking back down at the book.

Lily felt her teeth grind together at the coldness in his demeanour, which was becoming far more frequent now. All over a stupid kiss. Not even a kiss.

Or was it the memories. James.

Although they had never discussed what they had seen, Lily wasn't an idiot; she could sense the fury radiating off of him as the memories of she and James had hit them, the memories of James and himself, and she felt a chill as she remembered the menacing glint in the eyes of the werewolf as it had lunged for them.

Remus.

Another bone of contention between them. Lily hadn't believed Severus when he had come to her with his theories back then, his suspicions over Remus' condition. Remus was so gentle, so kind, that the idea he could turn into such a dangerous creature at any time was unthinkable to her. Even now.

And yet, it was the truth.

But there was too much to apologise for. It seemed like any time the past came up an apology was on the tip of her tongue. But she never had the opportunity to voice them; Severus didn't seem receptive to any discussion about the past.

Any discussion at all anymore, for that matter.

But; enough.

Lily stepped decidedly forward, dragging the chair on the opposite side of the desk closer with a scrape, and sat down across from him.

Severus kept his head dipped but eyed her warily.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" It came out far more aggressive than she had intended; weeks of frustration erupting with the question.

It wasn't the calm, collected conversation she had been rehearsing in her mind since the coldness from him had started but she supposed it would do.

Severus, not surprisingly, bristled at the tone; "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Something's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong, Lily." Severus was avoiding her eyes.

"Is this about…"

Her voice dwindled off to silence, courage failing her, because, if it was about the almost-kiss as she was going to ask, did she really want to hear him verbalise his rejection?

"James." She opted for the other possibility and Severus' eyes darkened.

"I do not concern myself with thoughts of your husband." His tone was clipped, as he snapped shut the book in his hands. He tossed it onto the desk and stood, turning away, his response making it perfectly obvious that this was something that grated on him but she doubted that it was the only thing; Severus had been pulling away long before the occlumency session.

"Well, what do you concern yourself with thoughts of?"

"Nothing you ought to bother yourself with."

"If you're this angry with me the least you can do is tell me why."

Severus looked at her then; "I'm not angry with you, Lily."

The way he ground out the words suggested otherwise.

"Please. You've been keeping your distance for weeks; you'd think I had a contagious disease. If it hadn't been for these duels, then I wouldn't have seen you at all."

"What nonsense. We work in the same building."

"And when I do see you, you bite my head off every chance you get."

Severus pursed his lips together, averting his eyes.

"So tell me. What have I done?"

"Did it happen to cross your mind that perhaps the reason for my behaviour has nothing to do with you, Lily?"

His tone was biting and she felt the sting of his words, keenly. She pressed her lips together, pushing away the hurt. Severus looked hesitant, a flash of regret in his in eyes, and he opened his mouth, as if to apologise, but then he swallowed and glanced away.

A heavy silence fell over them, broken a few moments later when Severus' spoke again; "Go home."

Lily drew in a breath; "No."

Severus lifted his head, eyes on the ceiling, as he drew in a breath.

"Sev, don't do this," her voice was softer, appealing to him.

"You're being paranoid. I'm not angry with you. I am just…" He stopped, not voicing a reason.

"You're pulling away. I know you; I know what it means when you do this."

"Just stop."

"No. You stop."

Severus pursed his lips together but he was still avoiding her eyes and the way he was pulling back, refusing even now to speak about it, when she had brought it up only causing an overwhelming mix of anger and worry that his inability to just be open with her was going to lead to this friendship bombing once again; just as it had before, when they had both refused to speak about what was going on around them. What was tearing them apart.

Except, this time, she knew what it was and it was her own fault. And, in the face of losing what they had again because of her simply being too proud to accept that maybe he just wasn't interested but was too uncomfortable to say so, she fired on.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean…If I'd thought it would change things like this, I wouldn't have done it."

Severus met her eyes then, with a frown, that by all intents and purposes looked genuinely baffled; "What are you talking about?"

"About…" she felt her face flush; "About what happened." She had pushed the memory of it away when Severus had been in her mind, her face moving closer to his, and in her panicked desperation to make it go away she had called up something else, anything else that would prevent the embarrassment of reliving it with him. And then up had popped James.

She drew in a breath, knowing her face had flushed with the embarrassment, but forced herself to just say it; if it meant she could salvage their relationship then a little humiliation was worth the cost; "For trying to…you know…" she was stuttering, hardly the courageous Gryffindor; "Kiss you." It was practically whispered, her eyes on anything but him when she said it.

A silence greeted her.

When it stretched, curiosity made her look back at him.

Severus was staring at her.

And then his lips twitched; "That's what you think is bothering me?"

Lily frowned.

"Lily, that is…that's not…it was fi –" While he had seemed amused at first, he now seemed as embarrassed as she had felt bringing it up; "That is not the problem."

If it wasn't the kiss and it wasn't the memories then she had no clue what it was; why he was suddenly pulling away. And she realised, perhaps she was being self-centred in believing it was all about her. Maybe it was simply his worry for Regulus that was driving his behaviour. Or feelings of betrayal over Eugene Hopkins. Or the ever-steady string of attacks by the Death Eaters. Or stress over the sudden increase in workload, with him now running the Foundation.

She felt instantly guilty. Almost ashamed as she considered the pressure he was under.

Here he was juggling a massive load of worries and Lily was demanding, well, quite a lot from him really. Demanding he be exactly as he had been before as if the attacks had never happened; demanding he talk about the whole thing when he really just needed space.

Not just space, time as well, time to do something to save Regulus, to find a cure, any free moments of which were rare and precious and he was currently wasting them trying to train her up to fight a war that may not even happen.

"Oh," was all she managed, her face burning now.

She reached up, tucking her hair behind her ear, feeling even more embarrassed than before; "I…I'm sorry."

"For what?"

Lily met his eyes, which still looked guarded but had softened considerably; "Sev. If I can do anything to help – with Regulus, I mean. You just have to ask."

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose; "Yes. Yes I know."

Lily stood, her realisation that she was only adding to his troubles by being there as uneasy a thought to her as the belief that his reason for pulling away before was due to a rejection of her affections; "Well, okay. As long as we're okay then I guess I'll go." She spoke quickly, ready to bolt.

Severus looked surprised.

Surprised she was leaving, that she had given up so easily.

But she headed to the door, offering nothing more than a; "I'll see you at the fundraiser. Night, Sev."

It was past midnight by the time she got home, stepping into the kitchen where Sirius was sitting at the table, eyes disapproving as they landed on her. But he said nothing about it, whether he suspected she had been with Severus and whether it was work related or otherwise, only expressing his displeasure with stony eyes until he had pushed it away, offering her a greeting when she said hello, before presenting the Prophet to her.

Pettigrew Spotted.

An article that told them Peter had been seen skirting the perimeter of Azkaban, which lead to a discussion about what he could be up to. How Sirius wouldn't rest until the traitor was locked up behind bars once again. Or worse. He deserved worse, Sirius claimed.

Lily silently agreed. But she didn't tell him the reason. She didn't tell him about the prophecy.

And it was only when she was in bed later that night, alone, that her mind wandered back to what had happened earlier with Severus.

How she had pushed and he had pulled away.

But she tried not to focus on that, on what she had said, how she had made things about herself when he had made it clear it had nothing to do with her. Lily had drawn into herself in the past, when she had lost people; when her mother had died she had stayed in her room for days without wanting to speak to a single soul.

In the months immediately following losing James, she had thrown herself into finding a way to bring him back. To save him. And she hadn't exactly been a warm and fuzzy person during that time either.

And Severus had lost Regulus due to the betrayal of a friend, too; the same as she, with Peter.

Lily understood.

She needed to give him space.

Although, at the same time, her mind went back to something else he had said. Or, at least, what he had seemed to be saying less than eloquently when she had brought it up.

She had thought he was pulling away because of what she'd done that day, what she had wanted to do. What she still wanted to do, if she was honest with herself.

Obviously, during the moments when he was being an ass, the desire to kiss him wasn't as prevalent in her mind as the one was to rattle him. But it still lingered, ever-present on the edge of her consciousness.

And, during the spontaneous moments of warmth that seemed to come from him every now and again, the desire had settled itself into an intense longing somewhere inside of her; a yearning to lean in and try again. To finally feel what it would be like to press her lips to his; to feel his breath against her cheeks; to feel his hands against her. On her face, on her waist, in her hair; anywhere so long as it was without the frustrating restraint with which he took her arm or her hand.

At least something positive had come out of her attempt at a confrontation with him; he had told her that it hadn't bothered him. Well, not exactly. He hadn't said he welcomed it either.

What had he said?

That is was fine. She guessed that's what he was about to say before cutting himself off.

'Fine' wasn't exactly 'great' or 'welcome' or, 'yes, I really want us to try that again sometime'.

But it wasn't 'thanks but no thanks' either.

A little flicker of hope had lit up within her as she considered his words, what they meant. That maybe there was a chance to explore that, to try something more.

Later, she told herself, after she'd given him the space he seemed to need. Maybe then, she'd see how it was between them; see how he responded to her. She'd really rather be sure this time before she made any move to bring the possibility back up again.

Save herself the embarrassment of an actual rejection from him.

"Space? Honey, if you want him, go and get him."

Lily was glad she had cast a 'muffliato' before finally admitting to Julia what had been bothering her the past few weeks. Telling her about how she had almost kissed Severus, how his behaviour had instantly changed in the aftermath, how she had thought it was due to rejection which he had now, seemingly, denied.

"If anything it's perfect," Julia went on; "I mean, he's feeling low, he's obviously too much of man to just ask for some TLC. But the signs are all there; his best mate could be dying, his other mate was a snake and he's acting all Sid to your Nancy. I'm pretty sure he's crying out for some loving." She ended with a wink.

Lily supressed a smile by lifting her wine glass to her lips.

"Ah, there is Mr Tall, Dark and Mysterious now!" Julia announced, shamelessly, as she caught sight of Severus making his way through the crowd.

The Fundraiser, which was supposed to be serving as a form of memorial in honour of those who had been lost the month before, had been a surprisingly jovial affair so far. The organisation had opened its doors to the public and families for the evening, for the first time.

As such, children's voices filled the room, along with the corresponding sounds of chatter, laughter and music.

"Off you go then, my sweet." Julia nudged Lily with her hip; "Seize the moment!"

The moment appeared to be marching up to Severus while he was currently involved in deep conversation with Lucius Malfoy.

"In seriousness, Lily," Julia went on, her playful manner dropping; "It's probably just a defence mechanism. Everyone can see how he feels about you. Heck, it's all anyone used to talk about during these things."

"Not anymore?"

Julia shrugged; "No one's mentioned it so far. But, if he's been keeping his distance like you said, then I guess no one's really noticed you guys together recently."

Lily nodded, figuring that was true.

"Maybe that was the problem. Maybe he's just a shy soul," Julia said, hand on heart with over-dramatic sympathy; "Lil', don't wait about. If he didn't want it, he would have shut you down there and then. What did he say, it was 'fine'?"

"Yes, it seemed like that's what he was going to sa-"

"So he didn't actually say that? Are you sure the word wasn't actually going to be 'fantastic'? Or 'fabulous'? Or, 'fuck me, you've finally gotten the message'?"

"Julia," Lily hissed, eyes glancing around, and landing on Sirius who was standing nearby.

"What? You cast the spell, right? No one can hear. Besides, old Black over there ought to hear about it sooner or later. You may as well get it over with. Like a plaster; rip it off and tell him all about it."

"I don't need to tell Sirius anything because there's nothing to tell."

Julia smirked, eyes going in Severus' direction, where he and Malfoy had now been joined by Narcissa and their son.

"Besides, this is hardly the place to set him off on one," Lily added, before subtly reaching for her wand and casting the counter to the charm as Sirius stepped towards them, only one crutch needed now to help him retain his balance.

Before he could speak, a voice drew the attention of all in the room to the stage, where Narcissa Malfoy stood to address the attendants. And the music and voices and laughter faded, the mood turning sombre with remembrance, as she began to speak of those who had been lost the month before.

The silence of the crowd continuing, the atmosphere heavy with grief, as they remembered colleagues lost; friends, family.

Andromeda Tonks.

Regulus Black.

Lily's eyes unconsciously wandered from the stage, seeking Severus, when Narcissa Malfoy – speaking with an unsteadiness in her voice – brought up the current absence of the Foundation's founder. Watched as Severus' eyes lowered from the woman on the stage to the ground, back up for a second, before he took a step backwards. Making his way as inconspicuously as possible through the crowd and out the side door, leaving the room.

His grief was evident in the brief moment Regulus' name had been mentioned, though he had concealed it just as quickly as it had come. Back into the same distant expression that Lily had become accustomed to in recent weeks.

She had the overwhelming urge to go to him; to find him and be there for him. Not in the way Julia had suggested. Just to make sure he knew he wasn't alone. At least make him see that there was an option, that he didn't have to do this alone if he didn't want to.

But she couldn't, not yet; Harry and the other children from the Learning Centre were expected to take to the stage at any moment.

And, it seemed, the moment was now, as Narcissa Malfoy concluded her words and introduced them; the children prancing out excitedly onto the stage seconds later.

Harry and Malachi hurried down the corridor, having finally been able to take off the silly costumes they had had to wear for the presentation.

Malachi had seemed sad lately, because of his dad, but his low moods were punctuated by moments of playfulness, happiness. Especially when his Uncle Sirius played with them. Their Uncle Sirius, Harry reminded himself.

It was easier to be kinder now, to share his uncle with him, knowing that Malachi was so upset over losing his father.

Harry had told him he'd be okay; he lost his dad years ago and now it was like he never existed.

The statement hadn't made Malachi all that happy but Harry knew it was true.

"Malachi!"

The two of them halted at the sound of another child's voice, someone Harry had never met before.

"Hi Draco!" Malachi smiled brightly at the blond-haired boy that approached.

"Where are you going?" The other boy smiled back but he walked awfully strange. Like he was keeping himself higher up than he needed to be. And an icy coldness seemed to emit from him.

"We're going to the courtyard. They've got games there. You can come with us!"

The boy, Draco, nodded; "Okay." And then he looked at Harry for the first time. He tilted his head to the side, looking at him appraisingly, before he offered him a smile; "Hi. I'm Draco."

Harry smiled back, the other boy's iciness seeming to die away with his smile; "I'm Harry."

And the three of them set off for the courtyard and, for a while, Harry figured he liked the other boy he had just met. Someone Malachi seemed to like a lot. It was a little while before he told Harry that they were cousins, which led to the question that sparked the fight.

"Oh! Is my Uncle Sirius your uncle too, then?"

It seemed as if his Uncle Sirius was everyone's uncle.

Draco turned up his nose; "That filthy blood-traitor? My family doesn't have anything to do with him."

Harry frowned. The other boy's statement seemed almost rehearsed, as if it was something he had heard an adult say rather than a conclusion he'd come to on his own, but the offence was still there all the same.

"My uncle's not a traitor!"

"What's a blood traitor?" Malachi frowned.

"Someone who gets dirty with mudbloods and muggles."

Harry felt his blood boil, feeling the sting of the insult at his mother once again.

"But…Uncle Sirius is nice," Malachi said, seeming as confused as Harry had been when he'd first encountered the prejudice.

"You'd better stay away from him, Mac," Draco said, warningly, using a nickname Harry had never heard before; "It's because of people like him that your dad's gonna die."

Malachi looked stricken.

"That's not true!" Harry shouted, defensively; "Muggleborns aren't the bad ones! It's the purebloods that cause all the problems!"

Draco looked down his nose at him; "Said like a real blood traitor."

"Oh shut up, Malfoy!" An older boy from the Learning Centre suddenly spoke up from the side; "Potter's right. Your kind just spread lies and hate, that's what my dad says."

"Well, my father says –"

"No one cares what your father says, Malfoy. You inbred."

Harry didn't know what the word meant but the look of pure offense on Draco – Malfoy's – face made him burst out laughing.

But his laughter was knocked from him suddenly when a first collided with his jaw. The sharp ache shot up the side of his face and it took him a second to realise what had happened; that Malfoy had just hit him.

No one had ever hit him before.

Harry's eyes darkened as they landed on the other boy, who had turned and swept from the courtyard following his strike and was now pulling open the door to head back into the Foundation.

An indignant rage burned up within Harry and exploded and he launched himself at the other boy from behind, sending the two of them tumbling back into the corridor of the building.

Malfoy recovered fast, turning and hitting back and they scuffled and yelped and tore at one another like animals, barely aware of the sting of the injuries inflicted by the other, Harry feeling only that deep burning instinct to attack.

To attack to defend himself, after being hit, and to defend his mother, the muggleborn, his uncle, the blood traitor, and Malachi, who had been reminded of his father's ever-diminishing chance of survival.

"What is the meaning of this!"

Harry and Malfoy were suddenly seized by the collars and torn apart.

And then Harry found himself staring into the dark eyes of Professor Severus Snape, which bore into them both in a way that made him almost shrink in terror.

Severus' eyes flicked back and forth between the two of them, expectantly; "Well?"

"He attacked me!" Malfoy declared.

"He hit me first!"

"I did not! Severus, he started it!"

Severus?

Great. Malfoy was on first name basis with him. This didn't bode well.

But then, Professor Snape was friends with his mother, wasn't he?

"He insulted my mum!"

Professor Snape raised an eyebrow at him.

"He called her a mudblood." Harry elaborated; it wasn't a lie, after all. Malfoy had said his Uncle Sirius 'got dirty with mudbloods', which he knew meant his mum.

"So what?" Malfoy sneered at Harry.

Professor Snape's lips pursed together and his eyes bore into them both; "I am sure you are both aware that we are currently attending a gathering of remembrance." Harry thought the Professor's eyes narrowed as he turned them on Malfoy; "As such, I suggest you learn to conduct yourselves with respect."

The grip the man hand on them both was abruptly released and Harry stumbled a little.

"Return to your parents. At once."

Harry fled, not needing to be told twice.

This was not Hogwarts.

And yet, Severus still found himself playing the stern Professor to the idiocy of children. Children of his friends, no less.

Two friends who were on opposing sides of a war he would soon have to play spy in and, of course, it just so happened that it was the politics of which that the boys had been scuffling about.

Severus did not need this.

The evening, the months, had been trying enough and Narcissa's words regarding the loss of Andromeda, followed by her mentioning of Regulus' ever-worsening condition only pushed him into further thoughts about the bleakness of their situation. Of the war. Of the loses they would soon face.

This was only a preview.

Nonetheless, Regulus would not be one of them.

Struck by a swift determination to begin progressing with a cure, a potential counter to the curse that had been cast, Severus had left the function and headed to the labs.

Why waste time mourning those who had been lost when there was a chance that one could be saved?

It was necessary for the brewing process of the potion he was working on to begin in conjunction with a celestial event. Severus had planned to wait until a few days later, when a meteor shower was due to take place, but he supposed a full moon would do. If he should fail in the brewing process, at least then it would only be a short period to wait until he could attempt to do so again.

The door to the lab creaked open and Severus didn't even have to look up from the work bench to know who it was; simply carried on scribbling down notes against the steps he had begun to formulate some days before.

Her shoes clinked with each step on the stone ground of the room, before she stopped just a few feet away, when he finally addressed her; "I would have thought you'd be enjoying the party."

Lily was another matter which weighed heavily on his mind these days, and his concerns, his confusion, over everything that was going on between the two of them had only heightened following their discussion the previous night.

Yes, Lily had almost kissed him and, no, that had not been a problem.

In fact, he wished it had progressed. That she had managed to do so, before everything had suddenly been blown to shit.

But it was better that they hadn't, he told himself.

Lily was more than just a weakness to him. He was a danger to her.

It would not do for him to allow things to progress any further. For such a vast number of reasons that it almost made his head swim just thinking about them; there was The Dark Lord. The Death Eaters. Eugene Hopkins. James Fucking Potter.

No.

He had to keep his distance.

It was difficult though, when she seemed determined to remain close, to maintain what they had built. And it was not as if he could just confess to his thoughts; what if he was being presumptuous? Lily may have tried to kiss him but there was still no reason given as to why and, considering that she had never expressed any sort of wish to engage in such behaviour before, ever, it more than likely had just been an impulsive action brought on by the nature of the moment preceding it.

For all Severus knew, she could have been thinking about Potter the entire time.

She had thought of him in the immediate aftermath of reliving the memory while Severus had been in her mind and, judging by her apology the previous evening, it seemed she regretted it anyway.

Which was for the best.

"I had the pleasure of spending some moments with your son, not half an hour ago."

"Yes, he told me."

Lily carried on, making an apology for her son's behaviour, and he only grunted in acknowledgement.

This was how it had been for some weeks. She would talk and he would try to ignore her, keep up an air of disinterest in whatever she was saying. If he was dismissive, rude she may understand and simply leave him alone. That is what he had hoped but it had failed in achieving his goal, so the second week he had tried another tactic.

Elusive hostility.

That had only resulted in an affronted attitude in response, particularly when he had ventured as far as to subtly insult her husband – a topic that had been spectacularly off-limits ever since their re-acquaintance – and, subsequently, insulted her.

That only resulted in several less-than-pleasant spells being cast his way during their duelling practices. Though, that was good too; at least his behaviour had resulted in something that could be considered a success, now that she had finally dropped her hesitancy and began duelling in the manner in which he knew she could. But wouldn't.

But, as far as effectiveness went, that was it.

Lily seemed as steadfastly committed to their friendship as she did before the attack – pity that had not been the case years ago – and, he guessed as he looked at the warmth in her eyes now, their conversation the previous night had done little to discourage her.

Not that he had said much to discourage her.

When she had mentioned almost kissing him, apologising for it, he should have seized the opportunity to shut down any chance of it happening again. Not that it would, mind you. He guessed the moment had passed.

Which was good. He had repeated that to himself over and over and he was at the point that even he was confusing himself with his own thoughts, his own inability to rationalise what he wanted.

What he wanted against what needed to be done.

And her behaviour too. Why had she –

"Earth to Sev?"

He snapped out of his thoughts, meeting her eyes.

She lifted her eyebrows, curiously, and then gave him an earnest smile and he felt something within him melt.

Severus told himself to get it together when she began to speak; talking about the memorial, about Narcissa's words. But even as he did his eyes lingered; his gaze focusing too long on the green of her eyes, slowly drifting down to her lips as they moved with her words.

They looked silky soft, smooth, and he once again wished they had had just a moment longer that day, just a second to feel, to know, what it would be like to feel them against his.

They stopped moving.

A silence.

Severus lifted his gaze back to her eyes, noticed her watching him, and he realised he'd been staring and felt himself heat up. Lily's lips twitched then, belying amusement, and he wondered if it was at him staring in the first place that caused amusement or if it was his embarrassment at being caught doing so.

"Listen," her voice was quiet but sincere; "I meant what I said last night. I'm here if you need me. Okay?"

"I…"

He hesitated, uncertain what to say. Because, as she'd said, he had been an ass for weeks and here was she offering up herself to him for, well, comfort he presumed and in the face of her tenderness he could barely remember why it was that that was a bad thing; why it was that he should be pushing her away when his heart was telling him to pull.

Severus drew in a breath and felt his resolve weakening; "I have been…difficult."

"You can say that again." She grinned and a weight seemed to lift from her at his words and the brightness that accompanied her expression then made a familiar longing stir within him.

Heart overruling head, he felt himself relax in turn, turning to face her more fully, leaning back against the bench. He didn't speak, only looked at her, and she tilted her head as she returned his gaze.

"I understand. I…I know when I lost…people. That I pushed others away too."

Severus forced himself not to shut back down at the nod to Potter.

She spoke quietly, her voice filled with a vulnerability that made him want to reach out; "As much as I pushed them away; I needed the people around me."

"I know you must be so worried. For Regulus," she went on; "I…well, I just want you to know that you don't have to do this alone. I mean, sometimes that's better. It helps not having to deal with other people." She paused and then shrugged; "But, you know, sometimes it doesn't. It's okay to need someone."

Severus only held her gaze, not speaking, though he thought sceptically; and you want to be that someone, Lily?

He doubted that she did. And he doubted, he knew, she had no idea that he already did need her. Like fish needed water; like fire needed oxygen.

The intensity of his feelings for her seemed to rise up within him, overwhelming him, and he fought to keep a grasp of his will; to keep control. To remember why. Why he couldn't lean on her. Why he couldn't lose himself with her.

Why?

Lily's eyes were still on his; too long. His will was weakening with each moment that passed.

His eyes drifted; taking in the way her lips parted when they glanced over them, the way her throat moved when she swallowed, how her chest lifted when she drew in a breath. Suddenly so very aware of everything, the way the smell of talc and spice filled him, the way her hair slipped forward, wisps over a bare shoulder when her chin dipped forward, the way her body curved beneath her clothes when she stepped ever so slightly closer.

Severus drew his eyes back up slowly, hesitantly, and he knew that Lily would be able to see it. How much he wanted her.

He was uncertain what to expect; if she would draw back or if she would politely deny him. Or, if only, perhaps.

Perhaps.

Lily stepped closer, the fabric of her dress brushing the edges of his robes. And then she leaned in, so close, so close. The proximity was too much and a little snap of resolve fluttered up; just enough for him to raise a hand and press it up against her. His palm was flush against the skin of her chest, his fingers on her shoulder, the pad of his thumb against the little hollow of her throat.

Merlin. Her skin was just as he imagined. Soft, smooth and warm beneath his touch.

His action made her pause but she didn't withdraw; her face inches from his and her breath was on his lips and he breathed out an explanation.

"We shouldn't." But, if his hand did so little to stop her, his meagre protest would do even less so, the words emerging as a husky rasp that only belied his true desires, surprising him, and making her eyes darken in response.

And then, she closed the gap and her lips pressed to his.

It was soft and slow and sweet. The sudden burst of emotions within him, the inconceivability of what was actually happening, rendering him immobile. Still.

And then it was over.

Lily slowly drew back.

Severus could only stare at her, as he tried to comprehend it; that, yes, Lily had just kissed him.

And he had stood there still as stone.

He had wanted this for as long as he could remember and he had just fucked up. Big time. He could tell by the new uncertainty in her eyes when she looked at him, questioning his lack of response.

Lily stared to draw back further, seeming to take his lack of physical response and his ensuing silence as a rejection.

The tiny slither of will that he had left weakened to nothingness; his previous resolve to keep his distance from her falling away and he pushed himself forward from the bench he had been leaning on, the hand that was still on her skin slipping up and behind, taking her by the nape of the neck as he pressed his lips back to hers.

A muffled moan of surprise escaped her, into his mouth. And then she relaxed, sinking into him, and inhaled deeply as he savoured the taste of her lips beneath his, his other hand reaching up to touch.

His fingers were gentle against her cheek, before lightly trailing the side of her neck.

He felt her lips part beneath his and he breathed her name before he deepened the kiss; his hand at the back of her neck sliding up and curling into her hair, while the palm of the other skimmed the skin of her shoulder.

He heard her moan approvingly and, hell, he liked it. Wanted to hear it again.

His hands tightened, pulling her closer to him, and his mouth moved with slow, steady urgency against hers and he felt her hands slide up his chest, making his heart flutter and his longing intensify, before they gripped his shoulders and she pressed up flush against him, her own urgency matching his.

And it was everything he had ever imagined and more; the feel of Lily in his arms, her lips against his, kissing him, wanting him.

And his self-control spiralled as he allowed himself to lose himself in her.

And then, because the damn universe hated him:

The Dark Mark began to burn.