Chapter Fifty
An eerie silence seemed to settle in the aftermath of the Dark Lord's return.
The Order waiting with bated breath for the first strike.
Strikes that, even a week later, still hadn't come.
And Severus was able to offer little information. As far as he knew, the Dark Lord's concern was still entirely upon developing the brew that would lift the curse on Regulus, and he was privy to no further information regarding the Dark Lord's plans.
Until that evening. Though his next move was neither surprising nor unexpected.
"…You shall lead the group that will infiltrate the facility." The Dark Lord spoke with an almost laziness as he addressed Lucius; "I trust that you will be able to effectively release my remaining Death Eaters from the confines of Azkaban?"
His attention turned to the others in the room, sweeping a gaze across them; "Once we are reunited with our old friends, we shall begin preparations for our next move."
Severus' interest piqued, as they all awaited the information, what the next move would be. Though it did not come. Since his return, their Master had played all his cards incredibly close to the vest and revealed only the smallest pieces of information to his Death Eaters.
Severus had not even been informed of the decision to hunt and kill Igor Karkaroff and Rylan Mossburn; the first's decision to flee rather than return and the second's excuses not living up to the Dark Lord's scrutiny proving deadly.
And the Ministry, having been informed of the dark wizard's return immediately from Dumbledore the previous week, had done nothing in the way of response as yet.
Though, Severus mused, neither had the Order. For the Dark Lord had made no action for either to respond to.
Consequently, the Order's task for the week had been the search for Neville Longbottom, whose grandmother had foolishly thought to forgo their help and run with the boy; it would not take long for the Dark Lord to find him, should the inclination arise.
Especially considering…
"Have you any other news for me?"
Lucius nodded the affirmative; "Yes, my Lord. It has come to the attention of the Ministry that there has been a spiking of occurrences of accidental magic just this past week alone, all concerning the same child."
"And the child?"
"Neville Longbottom, my Lord."
A silence filled the air.
"Hm. Interesting."
The Dark Lord seemed neither interested nor concerned in the slightest.
His head turned sharply in Severus' direction; "And you, Severus? What news do you offer me? How have you gotten along with the task assigned to you?"
"The brew shall be completed within the week, my Lord. It is in process as we speak and I need only to acquire a…rather rare ingredient to complete it."
"Excellent. Then we should expect to have Regulus returned to us along with his cousin before long." The Dark Lord stood from the stone chair he had transfigured; "If that is all. Lucius, take your assigned and begin the attack on Azkaban. Severus, I trust you will keep me informed of Dumbledore's response."
And, with a flick of the wrist, they were dismissed.
Severus had avoided Lily completely in the week immediately following the events of Voldemort's return, neither in his office when she attempted to find him and quickly leaving the only other Order meeting they had had before she had a chance to call him back.
However, on the two occasions that they had found themselves in one another's company, he did not seem all that pleased to see her. Although it was different than it had been before, as he was no longer distant. Rather, it seemed, he was outright angry with her.
A tension seeming to simmer beneath the surface.
He ignored her completely when he strode up to Remus that night at the Order meeting, placing a small wooden box down in front of him where he sat at the table.
Lily, sitting next to him, and Sirius, on her other side, both looked around with interest as Remus lifted his head to stare at him with confusion.
Severus only lifted an eyebrow.
Remus cleared his throat and reached down, lifting the lid of the box open with only the pad of his thumb, looking as if he expected a serpent to leap out and attack at any second.
Instead, fourteen large phials of potions sat settled into circle holders.
"Wolfsbane," Remus murmured, an almost reverence in his voice as a finger touched one of the toppers. And then he looked up at Severus with his distrust blatantly evident; "Uh…why?"
"Moony, don't be crazy!" Sirius burst out from Lily's other side; "You can't trust anything he tries to give to you."
"Yes, Black. It is my plan to poison your friend in front of –" Severus indicated with a sweep of the hand across the table "- all these witnesses." The others in the room were peering as surreptitiously as possible at the exchange; Sirius and Severus' animosity being a source of almost entertainment to many.
"What with your assignment to infiltrate the werewolves, I thought such a brew would be welcome," Severus stated, smoothly.
Remus tilted his chin up, eyeing him; "And I'm just supposed to believe you decided to offer me it out of the kindness of your heart?"
"Not at all." Severus reached into his robe and pulled out another phial, this one empty; "I shall require an offering of your own, in return." He placed it on the table in front of him.
Remus eyed it.
"Fuck off, Snivellus."
Both ignored Sirius' input.
"Blood?" Remus raised his eyes back to Severus, not needing the other to voice the request; "Why?"
"It is a required ingredient for a potion I am currently working on," Severus stated; "For the Dark Lord."
Remus paled; "Wha - what? No!"
"There's your answer, Snape." Sirius leaned over Lily, forcing her to press back in her seat as he put a hand on the box and shoved it back in Severus' direction; "Why don't you go crawling back to your hole –"
"The concoction is a necessary step in the Dark Lord's plans to revive Regulus Black," Severus cut him off. Sirius froze, meeting his eyes. Severus raised an eyebrow; "Should I…stop?"
Sirius glared at Severus with the full force of his hatred.
"Perhaps I shall just do as you suggested and –" Severus reached for the phial; "Return to my 'hole' as you so put it –"
Before Severus could lift it, Remus snatched the phial up from where it sat. With a look shot at Sirius, who had now gone still with rage - not wanting Remus to help Severus in the slightest but also not wanting to impede the recovery of Regulus – Remus lifted his wand and cast the charm, the phial slowly filling with blood.
He replaced the stopper and held it up to Severus, who snatched it and swept away without another word.
And it was only sheer luck that Lily managed to catch up with him following the dismissal of this meeting, when Dumbledore had called him back to stay behind, she waiting patiently for his emergence from the room when their conversation ended.
Dumbledore emerged first, with Severus close on his heels, and both stopped when noticing her.
"Ah, Lily!" Dumbledore smiled, brightly, at her; "Did you wish to speak further about what we discussed last week?"
"Uh, no. Thank you, Professor. I was actually waiting to speak to Sev."
Severus tensed, instantly, though whether due the use of the nickname or her wish to finally talk to him wasn't clear.
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.
"Then I shan't keep you." With a nod of farewell, the old wizard left them.
Severus eyed her, uncertainly.
"Can we talk?"
"Of course," Severus shrugged, averting his eyes.
Lily stepped towards him, urging him back into the room they had just been in, and the two faced on another when she clicked the door shut behind them.
"I've been trying to catch you all week."
"I have been occupied. The Dark Lord is keen for me to develop the potion for Regulus and the Foundation has been particularly busy, in light of recent events. While only rumours, the response among the clients has been expectantly panicked –"
"Right. So, how are you? Are you okay? I mean, I know that going back there can't have been easy. It must be…frightening."
Severus pursed his lips together, neither conceding nor denying the claim.
"Has he said anything? About…about the prophecy?"
"No." Severus met her eyes, speaking firmly; "He has expressed no wish to act on it, as yet."
"As yet? Then you expect him to do so, soon?"
"Yes, of course. I don't understand his reasons for delay at the moment, but I have no doubt he will soon express his wish to hunt the Longbottom boy once again. Not that it is going to be much of a hunt, mind you, considering the foolishness of his grandmother in choosing to run rather than to hide."
"What do you think we should do, then, Severus? I…Dumbledore said that we should…wait."
Severus met her eyes, an uneasiness underlying his gaze that only made her own increase; "I…I would advise you to do as Dumbledore says."
"You would? He doesn't want us to do anything."
"He told me that Black –" Lily squinted a little at the unbridled hatred in his tone; "is overseeing the security for your home for the time being. And it is his belief that –"
"I don't want to hear about Dumbledore's beliefs, Sev, I want to hear yours!" Lily interrupted him again, becoming frustrated by his cool demeanour. Surely they were past such pleasantries by now; heavens, they had been all over one another just the week before. And now, this?
Severus deflated a little; "I don't know, Lily. And you should know better than to ask me as such. The last thing you ought to be doing is putting decisions regarding the life and death of your family in my hands, considering the track record regarding such."
Lily stepped towards him, taking him by the arms; "You know better than anyone what's going on in Voldemort's head. Why isn't he going after Neville now? Is he…is he watching us?"
Severus snatched his arms back; "Let us hope not." He eyed the windows.
"I didn't mean now, Severus! God, will you just talk to me?"
He ran a hand through his hair and she noticed it shook a little as he lowered it back to his side; "Lily, if we can't trust Dumbledore's judgement then we don't stand a chance. What is it he's telling you to do? You act as if I have all the answers. I know nothing other than what I've already shared with you."
"Well, that's not entirely true, is it?" Lily found herself flaring up; "You knew that Voldemort would be back, didn't you? Even when you were telling me that Harry was safe."
"He is safe. Even with the Dark Lord's return, he has expressed no interest at all in the boy."
"Nor Neville Longbottom either but you seem to think he will. What's to say he won't change his mind again? He was coming after Harry before –"
"He didn't change his mind, Lily. He used your son as a decoy, a distraction, so that the spy he knew was within his ranks – me – would give false information to Dumbledore regarding the threat. And it worked. It was always Longbottom."
"Then why are you so freaked?"
"I am not 'freaked', Lily," Severus snapped; "I am simply…tired. And obviously I would express some concern for your wellbeing, considering his previous intentions, but there has been nothing to suggest that –"
"Dumbledore told me the rest of the prophecy."
Severus met her eyes, his interest evident.
Lily nodded; "He told me that Voldemort –" Severus winced; "- that he would create his own rival. That he would seek to find one of them – Harry or Neville – and then make the prophecy come to be."
Severus looked contemplative; "Then we should do nothing to draw interest to your son."
Lily only nodded.
"I suppose that is what Dumbledore suggested?"
"Yes."
Play bluff with the life of my son. The thought made her sick.
Severus was looking at the ground, seeming to mull over the words.
And then he raised his eyes to hers, drawing in a breath and stepping closer.
"At the moment, the only reports the Dark Lord is receiving that in any way relates to the prophecy is those regarding Neville Longbottom," Severus explained to her; "I assume I do not have to tell you that what I'm saying is considered 'top-secret'; Lucius Malfoy told him tonight that the Ministry has been receiving numerous reports of accidental magic regarding the boy – Dumbledore does not wish the Order to know this - and the Dark Lord is aware that the boy's grandmother has fled. He seemed…disinterested but, then, he seems disinterested in general at the moment. Almost…lazy. Probably because he already knows exactly where the Longbottoms are at this very moment."
Lily frowned, as she contemplated the information.
"I have already told you too much," Severus went on, "Just by saying that much to you. And I do it only as a means to reassure you, which goes without saying is a very stupid reason for me to do so. I'm a spy, Lily, and I know you know what that means. There are some things I can't say. Things you can't know. Just as much for your own safety as my own."
Lily looked up at him.
"I…I didn't mean to keep his return from you. I know that I…disappointed you in doing so. Events surrounding it began before you and I had reached this level of understanding, although I probably would have kept it from you regardless. But, believe me, even that indiscretion will be miniscule in the grander scheme of things. There are worse things I can't tell you," he made to pass by her; "For that reason –"
"Don't even think about it, Sev." She grabbed his arm, as he made to walk by her; "We're well past that by now."
"Lily," he spoke her name in a sigh.
So many emotions at once seemed to rage within him as he looked at her. So many wishes, desires and impulses.
And he wanted nothing more than to just hold her and shelter her from this shitstorm that he had brought down up her years before, when he had delivered the prophecy in the first place.
Nonetheless, a measure of control was needed.
And it was not only the desire to protect her that plagued him.
Severus was…irked by her. And it had come on so unexpectedly, so suddenly, the previous week that it had taken him by surprise.
Lily had married James Potter and that, alone, for the past several years had created more than just a little bit of resentment within him. And he knew of her closeness to Lupin and how Black had raised her son alongside her since the loss of the boy's father. Yet, the reality of it had never been more clear to him than when sitting in the Order meeting the first time – and the two times since – during which she had sat opposite him, flanked by two of the four men who had made his life a living hell for the seven years that they had been at Hogwarts.
It more than rankled, it made him downright furious.
The fact that he had no right to feel so only served to irritate him further.
And Black's constant attempts at provoking his fury did nothing to stem the tide.
Now, though, he was weak before her. As he always was.
Wanting nothing more than to just melt and it was just as infuriating and embarrassing as ever, that someone, even Lily, should have that much power of him.
The memory of their kiss haunted him.
She was talking. Talking about Dumbledore. About the Dark Lord. About her son.
Fretting and frantic because he had revealed the prophecy to her.
Another foolish action made by him. It seemed every decision he ever made always led to some distress for her; he could never do right.
And, as such, the idea that she should come to him and ask him to make the decision for her over the path to choose regarding her son's life – well, the very notion was just absurd!
Whatever he advised, surely the opposite would happen.
"Lily." He silenced her with a hand to her arm.
Lily seemed to lean into the touch, as if she needed it, and he felt his stomach tighten.
"For now, Dumbledore is the boy's best chance."
Lily drew in a breath, seeking to calm herself, and then she nodded; "Okay."
Severus allowed his hand to linger, fingers moving slowly against the fabric of her robes, keen to touch, and then he caught himself and let his arm fall back to his side.
Concerned eyes met his; "How are you, Sev? Really? What Dumbledore's asking you to do…it's dangerous." She spoke needless words, waiting for no response as they weren't necessary; "Are you okay?"
"Yes. I'm fine."
Lily shook her head, brow coming down; "I remember how it was before. With Remus. He spied for Dumbledore the last time. He's going under again this time too. He's…afraid."
"I am not afraid, Lily," Severus lied, averting his eyes; "I have been preparing for this for a long time."
Lily stepped closer, too close, taking his hand; "Okay. Fine. You're not afraid," she rolled her eyes, a slight smile on her lips that told him she knew he wasn't being honest and was too proud to admit it; "But I'm here. Okay?"
No. That was not okay.
Severus made to draw back, but her hand only tightened around his.
"You know, you shouldn't let him get to you. Sirius."
Severus automatically tensed, meeting her eyes.
"I know he's being a real ass about the whole thing –"
"I'd expect nothing less."
Lily gave a little shrug; "He's just as worried as the rest of us. He's scared too."
"He contributes nothing at all of use to the Order. He is a loose cannon and, as such, a liability. Not to mention, an idiot."
"He's not that bad, Sev."
"He attempts to provoke me at every turn. Need I remind you that he drew his wand first, last week?"
"Oh, and you did nothing to provoke him?" There was a teasing glint in her eye but the underlying accusation still gnawed at him. And, considering his continuing resentment at seeing her aligned with two of the damn Marauders for the past week, the mere implication of her defending any of their actions against him made his blood boil. Least of all Black's.
"Besides breathe, Lily?"
"I heard what you said to him. About James."
Severus snatched his hand back from hers.
"Spare me the vindications. Black's theatrics began long before I made mention of Potter."
Severus didn't hold back the loathing as he spoke the name, twelve months of skirting around the topic of her choice of husband finally reaching its limit, and Lily flinched.
"Severus –"
"I mean it, Lily. Don't look to me for apologies. My opinion of that man was assured long before your ungodly marriage took place and do not expect me to speak of his life with sudden reverence just because you saw fit to invite that swine into your bed!"
Lily's eyes narrowed; "Watch it, Severus."
"Surely you didn't expect anything else? Polite avoidance of a subject doesn't negate the matter and I assure you, Lily, I haven't forgotten it."
"You're the one who said to leave the past in the past. I tried to talk about it before and you didn't want to hear it."
"I didn't want to hear your excuses."
"Ex -my excuses!" She repeated, incredulously; "You can't be serious! I don't need to excuse anything."
She was right, of course. She owed him nothing. Hadn't then and certainly didn't now.
Severus was the one who had screwed everything up.
Still.
"James Potter. Lily – surely you could have done better?"
Lily tilted her chin upwards, defiantly; "You didn't know him the way I did."
"That's a given. And I'm pretty sure that even someone as naïve as yourself wouldn't have stuck around for any length of time if you had known your husband the way that I had known him."
His accent was coming through, surprising even himself with the loss of grip.
"Severus, the way I felt about him was completely different from the way I felt about you."
Believe me, Lily, I was aware of that.
"Considering this took place following our own severance then I could easily come to that conclusion myself."
"You know what I mean! I didn't set out to hurt you, it just…we just happened, alright?"
"Say no more. I've recently eaten."
"Stop it."
Severus knew he was glaring at her and he knew he wasn't being fair. But, hell, fairness hardly came into play when one considered that Potter, of all people, should have managed to secure any sort of notice from someone like Lily in the first place.
"We were children, Sev. We grew up. Childish pranks –"
"Pranks, you call it? If the pupils in my House treated other students as such, even blasted Gryffindors, I would have them expelled instantly. Particularly if said pranks involved feeding one another to werewolves."
Lily pursed her lips together; "You never told me about that."
"No. For I was sworn to secrecy by the Grand Protector of Gryffindors, himself. Though I doubt you would have believed anything I had to say about it anyway; it would not have been the first time I had come to you regarding Lupin's…condition."
Lily deflated and shook her head; "Sev. Don't do this."
"Do what?"
"Don't make issue of things we've already put to rest. All to push me away because you're afraid of what's happening between us."
Severus was taken aback by the statement. First of all, nothing had been 'put to rest', as she so put it. This had simmered within him for years and he doubted he would ever really get over it. Lily with Potter. Black sending him to that shack to die.
Secondly, she spoke as if what was happening between them was…inevitable. Which could not be the case. Although it now left little doubt in his mind as to her intentions regarding their relationship. While such a thought sent his heart soaring, that there was a chance of them actually happening – particularly in light of this very recent outburst – his head kept him grounded. Lily wanting it, though a scenario he rarely allowed his mind to entertain for it had been so improbable to him for so long, did not mean that it should happen.
It couldn't.
"Sev."
He met her eyes.
"None of us are innocent."
Didn't he know it.
And the previous anger that had boiled within him faded away, in its place leaving only shame.
For all the charges he could lay at Lily's door, they were ludicrously miniscule, a drop in the ocean in comparison to the crimes he had committed since they had parted ways. And, to make it worse, many of said crimes very directly affected her life.
All he had to do was watch her fall in love with another man.
Severus had almost gotten Lily killed.
It was he who had chosen the Death Eaters, the Dark Lord, and he who had delivered the prophecy that endangered her family; even now, when it seemed that another child may have to bear the burden, they could not be sure that Lily and the boy were out of harm's way.
And it was he who had convinced Eugene Hopkins the year before, in an impulsive act driven by his own inability to control himself with regards to her, to take Lily on as the Healer Fellow when her application, underqualified and too emotionally involved, in no way warranted such consideration. Instantly bringing her under the suspicion of another madman; as if the first one was not enough!
It seemed Black was not the only idiot in Lily's life.
Lily had positively surrounded herself with them.
Severus turned away from her, abruptly.
Unable to look into the eyes that were regarding him with so much affection, expressing so much trust in him that guilt flared up alongside the shame.
Lily followed, her hand on his arm, turning him to face her; "Sev." He met her eyes; "Stop this." Her voice was quiet and she was looking at him like she just knew what he was thinking, what was going on in his mind. And the hand that touched him tightened, comforting pressure against his arm.
He was becoming overcome, once again, by his feelings for her. He, who had worked so hard for years to develop control, mastering it finally so that he could face the Dark Lord once again, crumbling under her touch, her eyes, her faith in him.
Severus drew in a breath; "The Dark Lord will not harm you, Lily. I swear it." His voice came out husky, quiet, and he was alarmed at the need, the desire it expressed.
Lily, on the other hand, did not look alarmed in the slightest; instead, stared straight back at him as if captivated by the intensity by which he spoke.
And then she released his arm, both hands then coming up to side of his neck, drawing him down and pressing her lips to his.
It surprised him now as much as it had done the first time but, at least in this instance, he was not struck so dumb that he was unable to respond.
His hands came up and gripped her waist as his lips parted beneath hers, allowing the access she sought, this kiss more desperate than before, as her hands slipped back, arms coming up to wrap around his neck in their place and, suddenly, every inch of her was against him.
She clung to him as if he were a lifeline. Lips parting and moving against his, as she deepened the kiss.
He savoured it, his hands slipping from her waist to her back, sliding up; pulling her closer and tighter against him, before a hand tangled in her hair.
Forgetting himself for a moment.
Merlin, he wished he could.
Reality prickled at the edge of his consciousness.
For the life of him, he didn't know how he managed it. How he found the strength to move both hands to her shoulders, taking them tight, and pulled her from him, breaking the kiss.
The black of her pupils had bled out into the green, her want evident and it hit him like a punch to the gut.
"We can't do this, Lily." His voice was quiet, with that same embarrassingly husky timbre to it that made him self-conscious, tilting his chin downwards; "It is not…sensible."
"Sensible?" Lily was suddenly smiling and she looked more beautiful than ever, his self-control wilting and he forced himself to lower his eyes just so he didn't have to look at the sparkle within hers.
"Sev, it's okay. I get it. You're a spy. There's things you have to keep from me –"
"That's not it."
"Well, what then?"
"Many things." He was regaining his composure, conversation dulling the yearning he fought; "Not the least of which –" he drew further away as he spoke, so that, at least, their bodies were not pressed so close; "-is that I am a Death Eater and you are potentially one of his hunted."
"Nope. That one doesn't fly. You're not a Death Eater, Severus, you're a spy. There's a difference. And if you can keep that a secret from him, then I'm pretty sure being like this with me isn't going to be what concerns him if your cover should ever fail."
"You speak sense. But it's your safety I'm concerned about."
Lily's eyes flashed, her playfulness dimming; "I won't live my life in fear from him, Sev. I've already wasted too much of it because of that…monster."
"He's not the only monster out there," Severus stated, his hands that had had her by the shoulders slipping down her arms, resting there instead; "I'm sure you know why Evelyn Redway was killed."
Lily's eyes softened somewhat. She nodded.
"It is only a matter of time before news of my involvement with the Death Eaters becomes widespread; I'm surprised Black hasn't leaked it already –"
"I can tell him to –"
"No. You will speak of this to no one."
The spark in Lily's eyes was dimming as he spoke and he hated himself for it. For this.
Here was Lily before him, offering everything he had ever wanted since before he could even remember, and he was turning her away. Why? Because, surprise, surprise, he had fucked everything up. As always.
"Once Eugene Hopkins learns that I was a Death Eater, and I'm sure he already had an idea of it, then anyone involved with me – thankfully, that is no one – comes under very real danger. More so, even, than from the Dark Lord, as the Dark Lord does not seem interested in punishing me for anything at the moment – although even that could change within a second."
"Sev –"
"Once Hopkins hears of it; he will undoubtedly strike. Especially considering Regulus' revival is imminent. He won't be forgiving me that indiscretion any time soon, after he's spent so long planning his demise. And there is no way I am risking you being the collateral damage of my mistakes."
Lily's eyes had darkened, not with desire this time, but with indignation; "Are you serious, Sev? You've just told me to take Dumbledore's advice and play bluff with my son's life and not to let my decision be ruled by fear and now you're telling me that we can't be together out of fear for mine?"
Severus pursed his lips together.
"Not good enough."
"It is for me. I have no one in my own life to measure my limits by, as you do by your son's. Your safety is it. You can't seriously expect me to put you in danger, knowingly, Lily, when you know the whole reason I turned from the Death Eaters in the first place was because of the threat to you."
"Actually, I didn't know that. You never said. I was just left to guess."
"Ah. Here we go. Another accusation of secrecy, which only proves my point. Even if you were not in danger by association, there is no way I could ever be what you wish me to be. I cannot be…" Potter; "I cannot be open with you, Lily."
"I don't want you to be anything, Severus, but yourself. This." She tightened her hold on his shoulders.
Severus closed his eyes; "No. We can't."
"Sev –"
"Lily, my resolve is set. Do not try to badger me into breaking it."
Lily snatched her hands back, looking furious and more than a little offended; "Forgive me for trying to do so."
Severus closed his eyes, sighing; "That…is not what I meant. I'm merely trying to explain…it is not possible for us…it is…"
He was becoming flustered, becoming the same bumbling boy he would always become in her presence when they were younger, when his crush rendered him a blushing little fool under her gaze.
Lily was looking at him, now, with so many emotions flittering across her expression. Affection. Indignation. Disappointment. Want.
"Lily," his voice softened, and he stepped towards her once again, taking her hand; allowing himself that. Who knew when he'd be able to do so again, after this; "I don't mean to…offend you. Or..."
Hurt you? That seemed a bit over the top. Lily would easily find someone else to fill the role he was now denying.
"I cannot play loose with your life, Lily. Not for something that is, undoubtedly, for my own benefit. I'm sorry."
"What if I don't care?" Lily was looking right at him, her own resolve evident; "He probably already suspects something, anyway. If Hopkins wants to come after me, let him. It's not like we don't know he'd try it."
"Don't be foolish!"
"Foolish? Dumbledore's right, we can't let our decisions be driven by fear."
"Dumbledore was not talking about this, Lily! I'm sure if we went before him now to ask his counsel, he'd tell you to run far, far away from me."
"Well. Good thing I don't trust everything Dumbledore says."
Severus released an exasperated breath.
"You are being impossible!"
"As always?"
"Yes!"
Lily's lips twitched in a smile. An adorable one.
Severus looked away. No. He would not fall for this. He would not fall any deeper.
This had to stop.
Now.
"I know you want to, Sev."
"What I want is irrelevant," Severus stated, for that was always the case; "Stop, Lily. All we are doing here is going round in circles. You may not care how Hopkins, or even the Dark Lord, would react, but I do. I care, Lily."
Lily eyes softened, her gaze flitting over his face.
Severus stepped in close, closed his eyes and pressed his lips to her forehead, drawing in a breath, breathing her in as he felt her soft skin beneath them. He felt foolishly brave as he did so, for he had never expressed himself physically to her before, even if this was tiny in comparison to the way Lily had just expressed her own feelings.
Lily's eyes looked up at him, a sadness in them, when he drew back.
He turned sharply, walking from the room, leaving her with his words, his explanations.
And his refusal.