Chapter Fifty-Seven

Well.

That escalated out of nowhere.

Well done, Severus. Good job.

One minute he is telling her they cannot be together; the next he is tearing her clothes off!

In just a few careless moments, he had effectively given up any and all rights to turn Lily away. Whether for her own good or not.

He had laid it all out for her; the truth of the matter. The reality of their circumstances. Had done so for weeks. Hopkins. The Dark Lord. The life of a spy. How he could never be what she deserved, could never give what he knew Lily must want – a life, a family; he knew she must want more children. All things that were simply impossible for him. How could he possibly bring a child into this world? Even if he was not right in the heart of it, if he were a simple bystander to the nightmare, he would be hesitant.

Severus had told her that; made it clear. He could offer her nothing. Nothing at all that she deserved; that she ought to demand of him. Of anyone who should ever wish to be a part of her life.

He had played his cards.

And, then, she had played hers.

And, Merlin, was it a fucking cracker.

Lily loved him.

She loved him.

Even now, when his senses were finally returning – as much as he fought to keep common sense at bay for the time being – he could barely comprehend it. How had he let this happen?

Perhaps by allowing his weaknesses to rule him, his mind offered up as a reason, for he was beyond weak under her influence. All it took were those five words and he had crumbled; taken her by the hair – you're in love with me – and shown her exactly, to the letter, how it was that he felt for her.

Given it all up to her, unable to help himself even if he tried.

Some who knew him, mostly mere acquaintances, old colleagues from the Foundation whom he never had much chance to get to know – those outside the immediate circle of Researchers – would describe him as distant, perhaps even cold, if he had inadvertently managed to offend them.

But even Severus Snape was not so cruel, so callous, so much of a jackass that he would act in such a way in the situation he now found himself; he could not stand there and hear those words – spoken by Lily – and then, after weighing up options – not that much thought processing took place in the aftermath – opt to drag her off to bed – well, couch – have his way with her and then, once done, turn around and say to her that his arguments still stood. That they could not be together.

The very idea was unthinkable.

They were so far beyond that point now that the option of doing so was a mere speck in the distance behind them.

Severus was in this now. Right up to his ears.

And the only person who could decide what happened next was Lily.

The choice was hers.

Severus sighed.

It was too late for rational thought on his side, now.

And so, he let such thoughts go, instead opting to simply surrender to the pleasures of the immediate happenings.

He, lying on the couch – still quite naked beneath the blanket that Lily had transfigured for modesty's sake – with Lily in his arms, as they came down from the highs that their most recent activities had lifted them to.

It wasn't something he had ever imagined, even in his dreams; that he should ever find himself this way with her. His boyish fantasies had been one thing but they had never managed to conjure up images of these levels of intimacy with her before; never such levels of contentment.

Severus had wanted to bask in the afterglow.

And bask, he did. Lay there, eyes closed, breathing her in, feeling her next to him, trailing his fingers down her side, feeling the way she curved; willing everything to memory. Taking the moments, locking them up tight. Treasured.

Lily's pillow talk, however, left much to be desired.

"You can't be serious."

He made a little 'hm' sound in the back of his throat; eyes closed as he carried on trailing his hand across the soft skin of her back.

"He almost tortured you to death."

"If he wanted me dead, Lily, I would be so."

Lily sighed, turning from her side, onto her stomach, so she now lay half on top of him and he cracked an eyelid open to glance down at her, before settling back against the cushions; eye closing once more.

"Dumbledore told us what he did to you, Severus. The Cruciatus, the sectumsempra, the snake. No way did Voldemort expect you to survive that!"

"And yet I did. He will be most impressed with me."

"Most likely he will finish what he started!"

"Lily. There is no option in the matter. The entire process is a test, one which I have passed. You do not know how the Circle works but I know it very well. And let me assure you that 'walking away' is not an option; my chances of survival are far greater – guaranteed, in fact – if I were to return to him, than if I were to run. Only the foolish run. Running is the last option, before death."

"Severus." He heard her sigh and he tightened his arm around her; "I'm trying to make you see sense."

"For the moment, I am trying not to think sensibly. I have already demonstrated my own common sense to be significantly lacking this evening so far as it is and I see no reason to start calling upon it now. For the time being, it is hardly necessary. Sleep, in fact,would be a far more appealing concept."

"Sleep?"

Severus peeked an eye open again and saw Lily glance in the direction of the timepiece; a little disappointment in her eyes when she did, and then sheepishness when her eyes met his.

"Time to go?"

"I can stay a bit longer."

"Hm." Severus made a hum of approval, pressing a kiss to the skin of her shoulder, and leaned back; flinging his free arm over his eyes.

Content.

"Really, Severus –"

He sighed.

"- if you go back there, what do you expect him to do? Applaud your survival?"

"'Applaud' may be pushing it a bit. But he will most certainly approve of my perseverance. My extraordinary sense of self-preservation. My resilience in the face of certain death. I shall perhaps be hailed –"

"I'm being serious."

Severus, eyes still concealed beneath his arm, grinned.

"Severus." She shook him and he lowered his arm and opened his eyes, meeting hers properly.

Those eyes expressed everything he never wanted her to experience; the fear for him very evident as he looked at her. Her concern, her apprehension, both of which would eventually give way to worry, to dread, as circumstances became critical.

It was starting already.

Reality tap, tap, taping away; eroding at them.

Severus sighed again, reaching up to brush the hair back from her face, fingers lingering behind her ear when he tucked it behind; "Please do not concern yourself with matters which you cannot help. You know that I must do this."

Lily swallowed, lowering her eyes.

Severus hesitated, still a little unsure of himself here, but he was more than a little certain that his attentions would be welcome; he dropped his hand to her shoulder and tugged her forward, pressing his lips to hers.

Soft, sweet; offering her what reassurance he could.

Lily sighed against his lips as she drew back, tilting her head to the side with an endearing smile that made his heart leap and, Merlin, he was pathetic. Totally at her mercy as he stared back at her.

"So." Lily folded her hands on his chest, resting her chin on top of them as her smile became impish; "Do you remember, this is the very same couch on which you revealed your deepest, darkest secret to me several months ago. I feel like…it has become sacred to us."

Severus' lips twitched, and then he snorted, unable to hold back the snicker.

A silence, a comfortable one, descended and he simply looked back at her, reached up to touch once again. Trailed her cheek with the pad of his thumb, fingertips whispering against the side of her neck, tendrils of hair stirring beneath them. All the while she stared back at him, her feelings for him laid bare in her eyes, her expression; the love she had claimed, with a little hint of frustration still lying in those depths, lingering from their most recent topic of discussion. But then, if there wasn't that hint of fire, it wouldn't be Lily.

Yes. Severus could stay like this forever and be a very happy man, indeed.

Lily leaned in then, pressing her lips to his, and he submitted without so much as a hint of a fight, neither physically nor mentally; fully accepting the truth of the matter, on his side, for the first time, for he had spent so long trying to make her see the truth of it on hers that he had closed his eyes to the simple fact;

He was not the Dark Lord's.

He was not Dumbledore's.

He was hers.

His hand slid back, winding into her hair; still revering the feel of it in his hands, as soft curls slipped in between his fingers.

But when she drew back there was uncertainty there now and Severus wondered what had happened in those few seconds of bliss that had made it so.

"What is it?"

She drew in a breath, meeting his eyes, looking nervous; "Should we talk?"

Severus held her look.

"About…this?" she elaborated.

"If you like."

Lily still looked hesitant, pausing for a moment, as if in thought, and then she met his eyes and nodded. She drew back slightly, so that she was more upright, and he mirrored her actions, pushing himself up onto his elbows to look at her more fully.

"What are we now?"

Ah. Right to the point.

What are we.

But that was the brunt of it. Because they had been playing a game for the past two months – perhaps even longer than that – one that had only resulted in them becoming wound up in an incredibly complicated mess, one which Severus feared was about to continue. But he couldn't lay the blame entirely at Lily's feet for where they now found themselves.

Yes, he had turned her away. Given her reason after reason why they ought to stay apart. But, being honest with himself, his resolve in the matter was far weaker than he allowed her to see. He lingered, often, allowed his own affection, his own desires to shine through in the looks he gave her; allowed her to see that she was not alone in this. He wanted her also. Which only served to increase her will and no wonder. This was Lily Evans. And if Lily thought there was even the slightest chance, of course she would try to take it.

He had allowed the touches, the kisses, not to mention the sex, and had spoken words that made his feelings more than evident.

It was no wonder they now found themselves here; the mixed signals finally forcing them to sit down and untangle the web. Make sense of it all.

And, when it was all over, Lily would make her choice. Whatever she decided, that would be it; if she chose to walk away, there would be no more of it; no more lingering, no more stolen kisses, or affectionate glances, or unnecessary touches.

But, if she chose to stay…

"It's up to you, Lily."

She met his eyes, surprise evident when she did.

"I have said all that I possibly can on the matter. I have told you the truth, the reality of the situation. You were listening, I hope? You understand what it is I was telling you?"

"Yes."

"Then…" Severus broke off, looking at her expectantly. Ready to hear what she had to say.

She drew in a breath; "You first. What do you want?"

"What I want is irrelevant, Lily, as I said before. Regardless, you know very well what I want. But what I want and what is right for you are two very different things; though we are past the point where I can choose the option for you."

Lily drew in a breath, looking down.

"Don't make this decision about me, Lily. Think about you. What this would mean. Only you can decide if this is worth the cost. What you're willing to do; what you're willing to give up."

Lily met his eyes; "You act as if it's all sacrifice."

"There would be some, at least."

Lily smiled, shaking her head; "Maybe. But…" Her eyes glanced between them, thoughts undoubtedly going to considerations of their current circumstances, what they had just done, the intimacy in the aftermath.

Yes, such moments were, undoubtedly, incomparable but were fleeting moments of happiness worth the cost in the larger scale? Or did it only make things harder. Little glimpses at what one could have had, if only they had made the right choices. Chosen the right path. Why even bothering teasing when it is something that can never, truly, be?

And that was only on his side; Lily's was entirely different. She had not been the one to make those choices. She should not have to bear the burden of his mistakes.

"It wouldn't be forever, Severus," Lily said, drawing him from his thoughts; "Voldemort will fall. This war will end."

"Lily. That may not be for a very long time."

"Maybe."

"There's a chance we may not even live to see it."

"Perhaps."

"Even if we did; our best years could be behind us by then."

"All the more reason to make the most of them now."

Severus titled his head to the side; "You call this 'making the most' of your best years? Hiding. Lying. Living in shadows?"

Lily shook her head, eyes on him when she spoke; "Lying would be to walk away from this. Pretending that I even could. You may call it 'living in shadows', Severus. But I call it something different; the opposite, actually. Because, right now, the whole damn world is in shadows and we need to find happiness wherever we can. If we want it, we need to make it for ourselves. Find a reason to keep fighting. The moments, the light ones, the stupid ones, the one's that make us human, they're what make this war worth fighting. If we just turn away from that side of ourselves, focus only on the fight, then what's the point in even breathing?"

Severus could only stare back at her, unable to answer. Since before he could remember, all he had ever done was fight; always railing against something. The muggles in his childhood who looked down on him for his poverty; his father; the prejudices he faced for his blood before he proved himself to his Housemates; James Potter and Sirius Black; Dumbledore; the Dark Lord.

There was always a fight. Even trying to hold onto his friendship with Lily back then had been one; faced with the judgmental interference of their Housemates.

"There's so much more to us than that. So much more to live for than just to fight. You say you're a spy. But you're not just a spy, Severus."

She took his hand; "He's already taken too much from us as it is. Our youth. People we love. But he doesn't get to take our choices from us, our lives as they are now. He doesn't get this."

Severus drew in a breath, meeting her eyes, knowing very well what it was she was saying here.

Lily wasn't going anywhere.

She would give herself to him, now, despite all the reasons she should not; the reasons he had lain before her. And yet, in face of her arguments, he could find there was nothing he could possibly say to dissuade her. Except:

"It will not be easy."

"No. But the best things rarely are."

And then she smiled.

Severus sighed, drawing her back to him, not fighting it, not anymore; pressed his lips to hers. She returned his attentions keenly, parting her lips against his, and what started out as a mere concession to the inevitable quickly escalated into something more, and as they moved, skin against skin, his body quickly became aware of the fact that they were still wonderfully naked beneath the blanket and responded as one would expect in such a situation.

Lily giggled against his lips.

Severus shrugged, a smile of his own tugging at the corners.

Her eyes darkened and she leaned back down, claiming his lips once more, this time with intent and he murmured against her lips, voice coming out husky, low; "I thought you have to go?"

"Mhm. In a little while."

It was all the invitation he needed, his hands slipping up her back as he parted his lips for her again.

Both surrendering to one another once more.

Sirius heard the click of Lily's bedroom door close and scowled, wondering if she had really been with Snape all that time; listening to tales about the torture his master had inflicted upon him.

He would get no sympathy from him.

The man had made his bed.

It was probably all for show, anyway; part of his cover so he could carry on spying, relaying every Order secret to that monster, that would lead to more collapsed plans, more deaths.

Like his brother's.

His nephew's.

What sort of world let people like Snape live – someone who demonstrated no remorse whatsoever for his decision to join those people in the first place – and took people like his brother, who had spent every waking minute trying to atone for his sins. His grief obvious. Pushed into joining in the first place by his manipulative, overbearing parents.

Snape, on the other hand, sauntered about the place like he owned it, practically flaunting his transgressions in Sirius' face. Like at that first Order meeting. No shame as he had announced his whereabouts on the night of Voldemort's return; why, with his master, of course. Where else would Snape possibly be?

Sirius hated the man with the passion of a billion suns!

Blood boiling in his veins at thoughts of him, combined with the grief of Regulus' death made sleep impossible; he threw the covers off of himself and headed from the room, back downstairs, past Julia where she lay asleep on the couch, having come to take care of Harry once again while the rest of them had gone to the Order meeting.

Into the kitchen and he barely managed to stop himself from slamming the items he reached for; a mug, a teapot. And then thought, screw it, he needed a drink, reaching up to the rack above the top cabinet, pulling down a dusty bottle; a testament to how often anyone drank in the house.

Poured it into the mug, forgoing a glass, and sat down at the kitchen table; losing himself in brooding thoughts.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, a while he guessed, but he was eventually drawn from his thoughts when he heard shuffled footsteps on the stairs and lifted his head to see Harry standing at the bottom of them, watching him hesitantly.

Sirius forced a smile; "Looks who's up way past his bedtime."

Harry smiled, heading over, all hesitancy gone; "I couldn't sleep."

"Why's that then?"

"I was sad. About Malachi."

Sirius swallowed, his own grief stirring, and he nodded, reaching up to squeeze his shoulder; "Me too, little man."

"I know." Harry hugged him; "His dad was your brother."

Sirius dipped his head, holding him tight, appreciating the gesture of comfort. But the last thing he was going to do was pour out his grief and lay the burden on his seven-year-old Godson. He drew back, lifting his chin with dramatic defiance; "But – life, as they say, goes on."

"It's okay to be sad."

"So it is, Harry. And it's okay if you're sad about Malachi. He was your friend."

Harry gave him a smile, then, but it was laced with sadness and he lowered his eyes. Sirius pressed a kiss to the top of his head; "You wanna talk about it?"

Harry met his eyes, then drew in a breath; "I don't want you or mum to die. Or Uncle Remus."

Ah.

"Is this about us fighting? In the Order?"

Harry nodded.

"We'll be alright, Harry."

"My dad wasn't."

"Harry –"

"And now Malachi's dad is dead too. Because he was fighting."

This was far too heavy talk for three in the morning. And yet, he could hardly send Harry back to bed in the face of it, merely because he was tired. Sirius reached for him, wrapping an arm around him; "It's because there's a war now, little man. Bad people that we need to stop."

"Why does it need to be you and mum?"

"Because it needs to be everyone. Everyone needs to fight against it, otherwise we won't win."

"What will happen if we don't win?"

"That doesn't matter because we will."

"You're just saying that because you don't want me to be scared."

"No. I'm saying it because it's true. But you're right, I don't want you to be scared, Harry, not for a second. You don't have to think about this stuff, okay? You're too little to worry about it."

Harry met his eyes; "But…people keep dying. Malachi's Auntie Andie –"

"Shh," Sirius quieted him, giving him a squeeze; "I don't know what to say to you, Harry. Yeah, people sometimes have to go. Sometimes. But you can't go around scared of that all the time."

"But it's scary, Uncle Sirius."

"I know." Sirius nodded, drawing Harry back and taking him by the shoulders, looking him right in the eye; "But, you know, me and your mum, we have a really special little boy waiting at home for us and, hey, no way are we gonna not come home to that kid. 'kay?"

Harry's brow furrowed, as if he didn't quite believe him. His fears not quite quelled. But then he gave a slow nod, whispering; "Okay."

Sirius smiled and drew him back for a hug; "I love you, little man. Alright?"

"I love you too, Uncle Sirius," his voice was muffled against his shirt and then he drew back, flashing him a bright smile.

"Why don't you head on back up, then? It's way too early for you to be getting up."

"What about you?"

"I'll be along." Sirius gave him a nudge; "Night, night."

Harry crossed his arms, not budging; "Can I get a hot chocolate?"

"Ha. At this time of night? No chance."

"But I'm thirsty."

"Water." Sirius stood, making his way to the kitchen sink; "And then bed."

"But I don't want water."

"How about hot milk?"

Harry gave a dramatic sigh; "Fine."

"With an attitude like that you'll be lucky to even get the water, Mister."

A tap at the window.

Sirius ignored it – a bird – heading to the refrigerator; "If you're really lucky, I might put a bit honey in it for you."

Harry brightened; "Yeah?"

"Yup."

Another tap at the window.

"Can we go flying tomorrow? I don't have school anymore, now that the Learning Centre's closed."

"Sure. Why not?"

Two taps.

Sirius frowned, glancing in its direction, as he cast the warming charm on the mug of milk he had poured.

"Do you think Mum will come with us? She doesn't have work anymore."

"I think she has an interview."

"What's that?"

Another tap at the window.

"Another Fellowship she's applied for, now that the other place has closed down."

"She's a Healer now?"

"Not yet. One more year."

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Harry, here." Sirius handed him the mug; "Go on upstairs now, you can drink it in your room."

"Really?"

"Really. Off you go." Sirius urged him towards the stairs with a nudge to his back.

Harry walked off with a spring in his steps, though he carefully nursed the mug in his hands as he did, wary of spilling anything, and began the climb up the stairs.

Sirius waited a few moments, until the sound of Harry's shuffling footsteps could no longer be heard, and then headed over to the window; peering out into the night. The tapping had stopped and he could see nothing.

He frowned, something stirring within him; intuition or something else. Whatever it was, it made him head towards the door, unlocking it with a quick flick of his wand, and he stepped out into the night, eyes cast around the garden, searchingly.

He pulled the door closed behind himself, stepping out further and taking the few steps to the window; peering around the frame curiously, not entirely sure what he was looking for. A branch. A bird. Some tell-tale disturbance in the structure; the house about to fall down.

He heard a shuffle behind him and he turned, quickly, wand raised reflexively, being in the middle of a war keeping him on edge at all times.

And there, amongst the shadows, was a figure, stepping out into the moonlight; his brother. Malachi, looking exhausted, filthy, clutching Regulus' robes at his side.

"Reg." Sirius' voice was a whisper.

Regulus drew in a breath.

"Hey."